Love on the In Breath

So Hum, the ancient mantra.  Meaning simply, I am.  Simply?  Maybe not so simply?  I Am is God’s name, they say.  I am that I am.  And so, on this spiritual journey we are taught never to put words after I AM that God couldn’t be.

It’s hard, to remember this.  To remember that I Am worthy, to remember not to say I am not deserving.  I Am beautiful, not to say I am ugly.  I Am lovable, not to say I am only deserving others disdain.

I do my morning meditation almost every day, beginning with So Hum.  Breathe in love on the in breath with So, breathe out all that no longer serves on the out breath with Hum.  Every day, clean house, every day lift your level of consciousness to let go of old useless ideas, and allow more love in your life.

Love without condition. Loving someone, everyone, without knowledge or care if they love you back. Is that hard?  Yes, at times.  But the part that is hard needs to be uncovered, and let go on the out breath with Hum.

I am relearning this…to love without condition.  Why would anyone need to meet my measure of worthiness to be loved?  They need to meet their own.  I need to allow people to be, to find their own level of happiness, and be themselves.  In fact, I only need to find MY own level, and stay out of other people’s business.  If someone chooses to include me intimately in their life, then i can choose whether or not that serves me.  I am finding it is not the other way around though.  Just because I may choose to include someone in my life, i have to accept that it may not serve them.  At least in the present moment.

But I find love has a way, when it is truly given without condition, of bringing those that we most want in our lives to us.  It is human nature to go where the real love is, the easy love, the love that says, “You are valuable, just because you exist.”  It is fearless love, because it doesn’t need to know the outcome, it is willing to take the risk, it is willing to open it’s arms and say, “Here with me, be yourself.  I will love you. I will hold you when you need it, I will let go and let you fly if that is what serves you.”

I learned this when my son lived with his father, when I had very limited contact with him.  I suppose I always knew it was the truth, I always believed that love without condition would open a pathway for him to travel.  It did, he was able to find it and travel it, out of the dark murkiness of abuse, he followed a light that may have been faint at first, but steady. And  he found his way.

Life is for loving, as Deepak Chopra said, in my morning meditation, our inherent nature is love.

So Hum.  Always, love on the in breath.  You will never run out.,

Occulting Happiness.

End of vacation, end of the weekend.  I had a wonderful week off, but it makes me want to go back to work tomorrow even less.  I will have about 1200 emails to read, countless calls to make, orders to process, and ship, and UGH.  None of it stimulates my creativity at all.  But it pays the bills for the time being.

On the other hand….4 days in the mountains, a day in Newport, 2 days just cleaning my house, doing laundry, reading, relaxing, an amazing graduation party for my best friend’s daughter who I love so dearly, and then today…spent at the beach with my two best friends, a hot summer day, spent talking about the great party last night, laughing, reading, sleeping, listening to a thousand happy kids splashing in the water, the not so big waves breaking on the shore.  The islands in the distance, every single one of which I’ve overnighted in their harbors many times, were visible floating on the mist that rose from the sea.  It was a perfect end to a perfect week.

I have less than 2 weeks til my carpal tunnel surgery.  I can’t wait.  I am so sick of only having basically one useful hand, not being able to write, or even open a jar or a bottle of water. And of it hurting all the time.  My son will take me and bring me home from my surgery.  One of my friends will come over and spend the afternoon with me. I am so blessed.

I remember a time, not so terribly long ago, when I first was happy, after I left my ex.  And the feeling was so foreign to me, I hadn’t been happy in so many years.  I remember my “aha” moment….OMG, This is what happy fees like.   And now, happy is where I’m at most of the time.

When you’re traveling by sea, and reading a marine chart, every light on a buoy or a light house has a different light pattern, so you can identify it in the dark and know where you are.  One pattern is called “occulting”.  which means that the light flashes on for longer than it’s off.

That’s what my happiness is now.  Occulting.  It’s on more than it’s off.

Hot Summer Day

This song has been in my head this morning, because it’s late summer and going to hit 90°F today.  I saw this band, It’ A Beautiful Day, back in 1970 when I was in college.  They blew me away.  They made one album, then had issues with royalties or song rights or something.  Now they have re-recorded a lot of their music under David LaFlamme, the leader and incredible violin player. The recording is from Tanglewood in 1970, so is not real hi-tech but still is awesome. These are the lyrics.  ENJOY!

Hot summer day (Hot summer day)
Carry me along
Oh, hot summer day (Hot summer day)
Please carry me along
Hot summer day
Carry me along
To its end
Where I begin

Long summer dream (Long summer dream)
Sliding round my mind
Those long summer dreams (Long summer dream)
Are leaving me behind
Hot summer day
Carry me along
To its end
Where I begin

Circling like a river
Over brightly colored stones
Breaking up my soul
And taking part of me home
Leaving the other half
To tumble all alone
Love, love, where did you go?

Hot summer day (Hot summer day)
Carry me along
To its end where I begin
Those long summer dreams (Long summer dream)
Still spinning round my mind
And they end where they begin

And I want to grab that river
And stop the love that’s dying
Because I know that somewhere
Deep inside my soul you’re still lying
Waiting to awaken
And shake that river’s flow
Love, love, where did you go?

They told me that the sun turned green
I said I didn’t know
And they told me that the moon turned blue
I said it didn’t show
And they told me that I looked a fool
And I said I’d let that go
But when they told me that our love was dead
I had to turn and go

Oh love
Love
Love
Love
Love
Where did you go?

Hot summer day (Hot summer day)
Carry me along
To its end
Where I begin
Long summer dreams (Long summer dream)
Sliding round my mind
And they end
Where they begin

Circling like a river
Over brightly colored stones
Breaking up my soul
And taking part of me home
Leaving the other half
To tumble all alone
Love, love, where did you go?

A Little Closer to Not Working

I just talked to my mother. She’s 94, living in a memory care facility in Florida. She is not happy there, even though hospice workers tell us that it’s one of the best in the area. She wants to be with her family, which is what we would all hope if we make it to 94. But she had a major stroke last fall, and cannot speak, read, or write and is partially paralyzed on her right side. Sad, she was an English teacher, and an avid reader. We used to talk for ages about the books we were reading. Mom needs care 24/7. I wish it weren’t so, because no matter how good the facility, at least down there, the aide to patient ratio is about 20 to 1, and the aides just can’t spend time with her, and time is all she craves. I get so sad thinking about it, imagine never being able to ask a question, voice an opinion, take part in any activities. I asked her if there were things for her to do tonight, and she said, “Oh yes….” which was a good sign. She can usually answer yes and no questions, which is what I try to ask her, and then she babbles unintelligibly until you ask another question.

Her voice was weak tonight, very soft, and quiet. It’s never been like that before. It makes me so sad. I so wish I already lived in Florida. She would be happy at this place if we could come visit her every day. My little sis is going to see her next week. I’m happy about that.

My vacation is whittling down to the last couple of days. Tomorrow I have a party for which I had to make an appetizer and dessert. I made “Pecan Cloud” cookies, which are really just baked meringue with pecans in them. They are so good!!! For an appetizer, I got some proscuitto, fresh peaches, arugula and blue cheese. You layer the peaches with the arugula and blue cheese and wrap the proscuitto around it. They are really good.

Then another friend texted me about doing something on Sunday, it’s going to be 90. We made tentative plans to do something, we will decide at the party tomorrow. Because the rest of our crowd will be there. Probably be about 60 people, it will be fun. Sunday will probably be the beach, or maybe my friend’s boat.

I have had such a nice vacation. Trip to the Adirondacks, Newport, a party, the beach, great weather. Good friends, saw S one evening, and had a couple days at home, to do stuff around here and relax, Reading, writing. It’s all good.

Except Mom. I wish she was happy.

And except, I want to retire more than ever. To spend my days as I feel like, and to be closer to my mother.

August

August

Sensuous, relaxed, vibrant.

Hot summer days

that become cool evenings.

Lovers holding hands under a canopy of star showers

Secret caresses carried on a summer breeze

Concealed in the shadows.

Time spent with friends

sipping cold drinks

on familiar porches.

Laughter heard across the still air,

the sound of children playing

And a screen door slamming.

The grass still green,

it’s growth subdued,

though the smell of fresh cut grass still permeates the air.

Farmer’s markets full of the summer’s bounty.

Reds, and oranges, and greens

Full of life,

Robust.

We know the days will get shorter, soon.

We know that the cold weather will send us inside

Wrapped in blankets and layers of clothes.

But not yet.

Not now.

Now, let the last days of summer

Fill my senses.

Let me be forever mindful, and hold these days close in my heart.

August…

A Rich, Full Life

I’m still on vacation until Monday morning  I had a lovely day today.  My son and I went to Newport, RI basically for lunch.  We didn’t want to spend a lot of money, so didn’t do much shopping, But we walked around, we both enjoy just being near the water.  We talked about his plans to move next summer, a little about mine.  Talked about the music festivals he’s going to.  He drove, I paid, lol.  It was a perfect summer day, just perfect.

I am having the carpal tunnel surgery 2 weeks from tomorrow.  My arm is so much better since I have been on vacation and can baby it.  Not looking forward to going back to work next week, for that reason (that I can’t baby it there) and for a lot of other reasons.

My son had planned to take the whole day off, so he could take me and stay with me at home after.  But hes switching jobs (after being at his job 4 years) and the new job is assistant manager for a brand new store, which has it’s grand opening the day of my surgery.  I can’t get the time for surgery til the afternoon before.  So I called the dr’s office today and explained the situation.  She said the latest I would go would be 10 and I’d be home by 1.  I think at that point he can go to work, I can get a friend to sit with me for the afternoon.  The woman at the dr’s office said she will call the surgery center and ask them to schedule me first, which means I would need to be there between 6 and 7 AM but would be home by 10.  So, it was all a relief to know that he could still take me and bring me  home and not have to worry about it.

Next Saturday I get new carpeting in my family room.  I’m pretty excited about that!

This Saturday I have a graduation party for my best friend’s daughter.  My friend asked me to make an appetizer and a dessert.  So I’ll need to get on that tomorrow.  I’ve got a few ideas.  The party will be fun, probably about 60 people.  I’m looking forward to it.

These are all small little moments.  My life seems to be full of them, and so all I can say is life is good.  I am very blessed to have such a great kid, and such good friends.  A rich full life.

Safety From Within

Have I ever been safe?

Or just at times oblivious to the danger?

Have I let my heart wander into territories

pockmarked with quicksand,

Or have I willingly walked through,

Knowing where the danger lay?

Have I slid into the pit on purpose,

Believing it to be a warm bath?

Or was I naive

Just wanting something so badly

That I would risk everything for it?

Safety, like joy, I am beginning to realize

Comes from within.

From mindfully staying with something

until it is fully known to you.

This morning, I am content.

Not afraid,

not projecting or expecting promises

that haven’t been made

Or even implied.

This morning,

My life is my own

to share with those I choose.

The incessant longing has been satiated

For now.

Safe and content, for the moment.

Take the Leap

About to dive off the cliff
Into unknown water.
Is the water warm,
Will is soothe my soul’s longing?
Will it wrap around heart
And stop the aching?

Or is it cold,
Will I shudder
And hug myself?
Treading water to keep from drowning?
Swimming for the nearest shore
To escape the icy fingers
That creep around my psyche
Warning me of danger.

The water beckons.
I am cold,
I am warm.

Take the leap.
Find out.

Brilliant Planning

The rain poured from the gray leaden sky

All day yesterday.

Quenching the thirst of all living things here.

This morning,

I sit in a fresh clean world

sunlight saturating everything,

including me,

As the moisture rises

through golden shafts of sunlight

back to the sky from whence it came.

To become a cloud again,

And carry the moisture to another place

In another time.

Transforming itself,

over and over again.

An ancient and timeless cycle.

What brilliant planning of the Universe.

Things Are Not Always What They Seem

Things are not always what they seem.

Day may seem like night,

When the sky goes black

and the sun can’t be found.

Night may seem like day

When the moon is a full golden orb

Casting long shadows across the lawn

Under a canopy of 10,000 flickering stars.

Sometimes words can heal,

when they are hard,

When they don’t feel good as you hear them.

Sometimes they can hurt

while creating great beauty as you listen.

Sometimes love can exist

Unspoken.

And sometimes the most ardent declarations of love

Feel empty.

Sometimes, there is more in less.

And less in more.

Sometimes, when you are most confused,

You find the most clarity.