Home and Sleeping

Posted on by learning to live like water

The surgery was apparently simple, and quick.  i got there at 6:45 am and was on my way home at 9:15.  So far, 5:00 pm, I have no pain.  They apparently numbed my arm up good, in addition to knocking me out.  I have a huge bandage, like a boxing glove with my fingers sticking out.  The nurse called it “impressive”.  Lol.

A close friend came over and sat with me for awhile but after a couple hours I told her to go enjoy the beautiful day.  I was obviously fine and didn’t want her to sit here an watch me sleep.  I’m really blessed to have such good friends.  S called me, it was nice to hear from him.  Again I’m glad he didn’t plan to sit with me, it would have been a waste of his time, as it would have been for my girlfriend.  My son will be home soon at any rate.

So, this is an entirely left handed blog!  So…its short, lol.  And it somehow published before I was done with it, lol.

Love and light….

Late Summer Morning Musings

Posted on by learning to live like water

Late summer morning, fall is faintly in the air, reminding me that the summer will be over soon.  It’s cool, under 60°F as I sit out here, listening to the breeze.

My sis is texting me in the early morning, her daughter is getting married in Oct and she’s still running back and forth to FL to see to Mom.  She is totally stressed out.  Told her I’ll send her Reiki soon.  She’s kind of a control freak, and as such is a little obsessive, but her capacity to get things done is amazing.  I love her dearly.

A few years I introduced her to Thich Nhat Hanh, and now she has 9 of  his books, lol.  Now she has discovered Ram Dass, and wonders where she has been and what she has been doing with her life, lol.  I’m happy for her, because the path she is on will give her so much more peace than she’s ever had.

I have stopped obsessing over getting all caught up at work, and just told my boss yesterday that I will not be caught up when I leave tonight.  He knows I’m  trying.  Someone at work asked why I get away with that, and I said that it was better to tell him, and let him know what’s not done than to just go home leaving things a mess.  My boss seems to have no clue at times how work gets accomplished.  Like, he thinks there is a magic want that I wave to get from point A to point B, instead of acknowledging that each thing takes that precious man-made construct called time.  I’ve decided that’s his problem, not mine.  I will do what I can, but stop stressing about what I can’t.

Boss told me he’s counting on me being back Tuesday, and I said, well my criteria is can I type, because if I can’t type there’s no point.  He agreed.

S is going away this weekend, been planned for a long time, a family deal.  I miss him, he misses me, I’ll see him next week I guess.  My good friends in town will be checking in on me this weekend.  And really…I’ll be fine.  Will be so glad to have this carpal tunnel thing over with.  Long weekend next weekend, and I will be so glad not to have to wear the brace on my arm all weekend.  Getting sick of that….

It will kill me not to be able to type on the computer this weekend.  I see myself hunting and pecking with my left hand, lol.  So if I am absent from here, it’s because I couldn’t do it.

Love and light.

I Couldn’t Bend the Fork

Posted on by learning to live like water

My book club met last night.  We are reading “the Sacred Year” by Michael Yankovich.  One of the girls has learned how to bend spoons and forks.  You’ve seen people do it, they bend them like they are a piece of rope.  She taught us.  Out of the 5 of us, I was the only one who could not do it.  But I am going to keep trying.  When everyone left, she said that her teacher told her that the people the most spiritually evolved have the hardest time, that usually the people who do it first are the 5 year olds who have no attachment to the outcome.

And yeah, I did…You have to be able to focus on it, then let it completely go, and I had, have a hard time with that part.  The letting go.  It will be a good thing when I learn it.

I think my head wasn’t in it either, because besides work being another day from hell, I didn’t sleep well the night before because of my stupid arm.  So, I had lunch in my car, and was playing music with the key on accessory.  And I dozed off for about 5 minutes, woke up, disconnected my phone which was playing the music, and didn’t shut the car completely off.  So when I came out last night to leave, early I might add because I wanted to get  home, book club was at my house, I couldn’t start the car.  I had to wait 45 min til someone came to jump me.

I was ready to cry, really.  My son talked me down.  I was just overwhelmed. Between work, having book club, surgery in 2 days, and not seeing S…..I was losing it.  I regained my equilibrium somewhat, but I still wasn’t in a place where I could focus and let go of any thought last night.  I figure I will do it this weekend while I recover.

S did make me laugh while I sat in my car waiting.  I texted him what happened, calling myself brilliant.  He texted me back, “Maybe you should be a brain surgeon.”  Which just cracked me up, and took me from the crying place, so that was good.  I was grateful.  Small favors.

I  hope today is better.  I have vowed to stop trying to “get caught up ” at work, and just get done what I can.  I am stressing myself out to the max, and I need to stop it.

Speaking of which, it’s time to go get in the shower and get ready.  Wish me luck.

Feeling A Little Anxious This Morning

Posted on by learning to live like water

I’m feeling a little anxious this morning.  I think the overall cause is the carpal tunnel surgery on Friday.  The only other surgery I’ve ever had was an emergency C-section when my son was delivered, and I was terrified of that. This surgery is by all accounts very simple, fast, and the recovery is not that bad.  Still, it scares me I guess, to be knocked out and cut into.

And then all the stuff that goes with it.  Things like how will I manage the weekend with only one hand?  Eating, washing my hair, drying off after a shower?  And preparing something to eat, let alone eating it with my left hand, I am so totally right handed, such a gimp with my left hand. Even dressing…How will I zip my shorts?

Naturally, next weekend is going to be a perfect beach weekend.  Grrrrr.  I will be sleeping off pain killers.

And I haven’t seen S in too long, We tried this weekend but our schedules were too crazy.  I hope I will see him before the surgery.

Of course work is stressful.  I’m not caught up from being on vacation, even though I worked a ton of OT last week.  I need to be caught up before Friday, so I don’t slide backward into that being way behind pit.

I did my meditation this morning about just being grateful, that usually undoes the anxiety.  So does writing about it.

And I am kind of discounting my friends who I know will be around to help me out and keep me company.  Very grateful for them.

All this being said, I will be so glad to have this problem corrected.  It is so painful.  I just wish I could get from here to done with it and skip the journey.

Free to Be

Posted on by learning to live like water

I heard your name on the wind.

It warmed and and teased my bare skin

Lying in my bed alone

Remembering last time you lay there with me.

We laughed at the private jokes between us,

And we acknowledged the secret desires we had of each other.

Gentle soft kisses turned into passionate devouring of one another,

The taste, the smell, the touch

The breathlessness, the longing filled

The falling asleep, your hand holding mine.

Friends, much more than friends.

But free, to be.

Wish I Could Stay

Posted on by learning to live like water

I did my morning meditation as the sun broke through clouds

left over from yesterdays rain.

I sat in peace, quieted my mind

Of all the things I have to do today,

and want to have happen today,

And just let myself be.

When the meditation was over,

And I came back to this physical world

And opened my eyes,

I saw the lush green woods bordering my back yard.

I saw the sun in a hazy blue sky streaked with gray clouds.

I felt a cool early morning breeze across my shoulders,

Fills my head with the peaceful scent of the lavender from my herb garden.

All I felt was love

And gratitude.

Be here now,

The sages urge.

This morning,

I am here now.

And it’s a lovely place to be.

Would that I could figure out

How to stay here.

Contented

Posted on by learning to live like water

I’ve not been writing much this week.  I’ve been working late every single night, come home exhausted. I need to get caught up from vacation before I disappear again next week from the surgery.  That will only be a few days, but I need to at least have my head above water before that happens.

I took my son out for dinner tonight.  No biggie, just went for Viet Namese food, he loves Pho.  He started his new job today, and I worked so much this week I didn’t feel a bit like cooking.  I was thinking how when I move to Florida and he moves to CO, how I will miss going out with him spur of the moment like that.  Catching up over a bowl of Pho, and a glass of wine.

When I think of how he’s grown, how he’s matured from the frightened 16 yr old who literally went to school from his father’s house and came home to mine 7 years ago with the clothes on his back.  I had to take him shopping for a few shirts and jeans to wear to school.  He was so confused, so unsure of himself.  That fire just burned in him to be free.  We had so much work to do, and he just wanted to walk away from it all…as would most kids, and not deal with it. But he got a good therapist, and I made him talk to me. We had some tough days, he and I, but I couldn’t be more proud of the young man he’s become.  I will  miss him when I move.  But I’m also happy he’s ready to fly on his own and make his own life.

Busy weekend.  Getting new carpet tomorrow for my family room.  Which meant that when we got home tonight we had to disconnect and move the TV since the carpet people will move furniture out of the room but not electronics.  I’ll get the rest of the small stuff out before they come tomorrow.  I’m very excited though, haven’t done anything major in a few years, so it will  be nice.

My best friend’s daughter is going to college this weekend, and my friend is having such a hard time letting  go.  Not that she is a helicopter mom, just that they are best friends, it’s her youngest. Her husband (who fixed my AC this week) made me and a couple other of her best friends promise to keep her busy so she wouldn’t have too much time to think about it.  So we’re going to a farmer’s market on Nathan Hale’s homestead on Sunday (if it doesn’t rain).  It’s a huge fair maybe 100 vendors.  It will be fun.

Then I have to clean the house for book club on Tuesday, make some food for it, and also make sure I have food that I can eat next weekend after surgery.  Food I can deal with cooking and eating with one hand.  That should be interesting.  Maybe I’ll just lose some weight, lol.

Life overall had been good lately.  No issues, no problems.  Too much work, but that’s why I’m planning my retirement.  Not enough summer, but there never is, lol.  Just feeling, you know, content.  It’s a lovely place to be.

A Favorite Poem: Manifesto: The Mad Farmer Liberation Front by Wendell Berry

Posted on by learning to live like water

This is one of my favorite poems.  It was introduced to me by my brilliant and beautiful niece who was valedictorian of her high school class, and incorporated the poem into her address.  My favorite line is the last one, “Practice Resurrection”.  That was my mantra for many years. I also love how he says “Be joyful although you have considered all the facts.”   It had been some time since I’d read this, and ran across Wendell Berry’s name somewhere last night.  I thought I would share it here, it always gives me a lift.

Manifesto: The Mad Farmer Liberation Front

by Wendell Berry

 

Love the quick profit, the annual raise,

vacation with pay. Want more

of everything ready-made. Be afraid

to know your neighbors and to die.

And you will have a window in your head.

Not even your future will be a mystery

any more. Your mind will be punched in a card

and shut away in a little drawer.

When they want you to buy something

they will call you. When they want you

to die for profit they will let you know.

So, friends, every day do something

that won’t compute. Love the Lord.

Love the world. Work for nothing.

Take all that you have and be poor.

Love someone who does not deserve it.

Denounce the government and embrace

the flag. Hope to live in that free

republic for which it stands.

Give your approval to all you cannot

understand. Praise ignorance, for what man

has not encountered he has not destroyed.

Ask the questions that have no answers.

Invest in the millennium. Plant sequoias.

Say that your main crop is the forest

that you did not plant,

that you will not live to harvest.

Say that the leaves are harvested

when they have rotted into the mold.

Call that profit. Prophesy such returns.

Put your faith in the two inches of humus

that will build under the trees

every thousand years.

Listen to carrion — put your ear

close, and hear the faint chattering

of the songs that are to come.

Expect the end of the world. Laugh.

Laughter is immeasurable. Be joyful

though you have considered all the facts.

So long as women do not go cheap

for power, please women more than men.

Ask yourself: Will this satisfy

a woman satisfied to bear a child?

Will this disturb the sleep

of a woman near to giving birth?

Go with your love to the fields.

Lie easy in the shade. Rest your head

in her lap. Swear allegiance

to what is nighest your thoughts.

As soon as the generals and the politicos

can predict the motions of your mind,

lose it. Leave it as a sign

to mark the false trail, the way

you didn’t go. Be like the fox

who makes more tracks than necessary,

some in the wrong direction.

Practice resurrection.

 

.

All in a Day’s Work

Posted on by learning to live like water

Back to work…which went just about as I thought it would.  1001 emails, literally. And really, only 1001 because a co-worker waded through some of the junk for me.  Piles of papers all over my desk, each person left their own pile, lol.  Crazy, but I tread water all day, and stayed above the surface.

However, with the perfect timing only the universe can achieve, I walked into the office and had not even made it to my desk when my son called to tell me something happened to the AC, and water was spraying around the basement.  He shut it off, but it still sprayed so he shut off the furnace.

Let me add that the temperature was 95° F today.

It seemed to be a return line on a pump for the central air that a fitting broke on.  I called the furnace people, since the pump said it was for use on furnaces.  Made no sense to me.  But I scheduled them to come out tomorrow morning.  For a $100 diagnostic fee and then the cost of repair.  I’m thinking $300. And no AC tonight, meaning I probably would get very little sleep.

Then I texted my best friends husband and asked him what he thought it would cost me.  He said $140 plus labor.  But that he thought he had the fitting, and would come over tonight and see if it was the right one.  So….when I got home at 7:45 he came over and it took him less than 10 minutes to save me $300.

That’s a good friend.  This man is like a brother to me.  He’s fixed my snowblower twice, he came over with a chainsaw after a storm and cut out my broken shrubs. This is why I say I am blessed.  I have loving family, and loving friends that treat me like family.

At the end of the day, my house is cooling down.  All in a day’s work.