I saw you standing in the shadows
You thought that you were hidden
That the darkness kept you invisible.
But you didn’t know
The light from your eyes
Pierced through the shadows and the darkness
And illuminated the path to your soul
For those that cared to see it.
One woman, this woman,
Saw your sadness of keeping hidden
And followed the light beam
To where you had lived so silently,
To take your hand
And walk with you
Into the light.
I just got my 100th follower!!! Thank you all so much!! Very excited to achieve this milestone!!! Can’t tell you all what it means to me to be connected to all of you. Blessed, just blessed.
The men in my life. Been thinking a lot about that today. There have been basically 4 men in my life. One of them I’m counting is my first boyfriend, who really….we only went out 2 or 3 months. But when he broke up with me I thought the world ended.
I was 15, so was he. We couldn’t drive anywhere so we’d walk a few blocks from my house to go to the movies. Otherwise, we’d just hang at lunch at school, by each other’s lockers, and talk on the phone. The only reason he made the list is because he gave me my first real kiss….so sweet, so tender, so young. That’s all we ever did, but it was glorious for a 15 year old. The cool thing is, we are Facebook friends today. He is married to a beautiful woman, with kids and grandkids, a long 35 or so year marriage. I’m so happy that his life turned out well.
The next man was my high school boyfriend. He and I were together for 3 or 4 years. Till I went off to college and met my ex husband. He played guitar in a band, he was such a good guy. I was always “with the band”, going to his different venues. If they didn’t have a gig on the weekend, I would book them one at a local hotel, and we’d get a couple hundred kids by word of mouth, paying $1 each. The guys would split the money and we’d go get a pizza after. LOL. I hurt him mercilessly. I know he just assumed he and I would get married. But I would have driven him crazy, always wanting more, pressing him to be what he was not. He and I also are Facebook friends, which made me so happy. He has had a good life too, married for many years, with kids, grandkids, big family and still playing that guitar. He was very good….
Then of course my ex husband. We were together almost 40 years. It started out beautifully, but there were red flags all the way back that I chose to ignore. I would have liked to grow old together. I think, really, that he has a mental illness, he’s unable to face reality in any way, and truly believes that what he says is true, just because he said it. It’s scary. But it’s more sad than scary, how his refusal to see reality has messed his life up. I do think that we might be able to consider ourselves friends, based on my last few conversations with him. But….i also know from others things about his life that frighten me for him. Yet, I can’t get involved, unless he asks me. So I keep my distance. He is not on FB, so we are not FB friends, lol.
Then there is S…..
You all probably know way more than you need to about him. I love him, I miss him, but it will never ever work between us. We are texting right now, first communication in a week. But it’s hard, I won’t dodge the issues, I won’t pretend. He wants me to always forget about it, and just “have fun”. That’s just so not me. In the beginning, yeah, having fun was ok. But I fell crazy in love with him. (See my blog, “7 things I love about you”) And I can’t just “have fun” anymore, knowing he still loves his ex gf , and he maybe wants to see if the grass is greener somewhere else. I’ll just love him from a distance and let it fade away. Or let his other desires fade away. It’s just that if I’m going to go to bed with someone, I want to be first on their list. I deserve that. I love myself enough to know it won’t work for me any other way. If there’s no chance of a relationship growing, then to me, there’s no reason to start.
Then of course, there is A. I have not included him in the list. We only dated a short time, and I did not love him. Not the way I loved the others. He is such a good close friend. I don’t know what might have happened if I hadn’t been in love with S when I met A. But the reality is, that I was, I am, and because of that, I have to keep A off the list. It’s kind of a shame. A loves me unconditionally. He keeps in touch, he’s always loving and kind and misses me and makes me feel beautiful in his eyes. Then again, he is always going to be a long ways away. And even if I was in love with him, how would that work? I might fly to see him a couple times a year and he might come see me the same…but that wouldn’t be the relationship that I could lean back at night and feel that it filled my world. Not part time like that.
So A doesn’t make the list, but he does have a special place in my heart. He has been at times, salve on a wound in my heart. I’m grateful for his presence in my life.
Men, the men in my life. It seems odd that the only one I don’t feel friends with now is the one I spent pretty much my life with, from 18 to 55, and had a child with. I see hope there, but we aren’t there yet. As far as S…idk. I don’t think the ending of the story is written yet, so I have to let that one play out. Go with the flow.
Live like water, right?
OMG, did I have to laugh at myself today.
When my friends and I are planning something, i.e. this Sunday we are going to the beach, we organize it via group texting. So…a few weeks ago, we planned to go this Sunday, the 26th. We are taking a friend who NEVER goes to the beach, which is incomprehensible to me. We live less than an hour from Long Island Sound, and some very nice beaches. We live about an hour and a half from the Rhode Island beaches, which are really gorgeous. 3 hrs from Cape Cod. ‘Nuff said, you get the idea….
When we first planned it, the friend who has never gone (granted, she moved here from inland, but still, she’s been here many years….) said, via the mass text, “You guys are so good to me, I’m a beach virgin.” I answered her, via the group text, “I can’t believe you never go! I’m a beach whore, any beach, any time….” To which another friend answered, “Yes, you are surrounded by whores….”
So, fast forward to today. The weather is looking slightly iffy for Sunday, possible t-storms, not that hot, about 80°, which means it won’t quite get there at the beach. I texted what I thought was the same group text, “Are we on for Sunday? Inquiring whores want to know….”
My best friend answered back, not in the group text, but privately, “LOL”…with a bunch of laughing crying smiley faces. I didn’t realize it was private. I said, again to the group text, “Maybe we should get t-shirts…” About 5 minutes later someone I don’t know texted the group text saying, “You are texting in a massive group text of 15 people, you may want to go private….”
O. M. G.
In other words, I not only texted my best friends, but about 10 people I don’t know, that “Inquiring whores want to know.”
I went back and apologized. In my defense, the names that showed up on my screen were all my best friends. The other numbers didn’t show up to warn me.
I still think we should get the t-shirts.
BEACH WHORE
ANY BEACH, ANY TIME
I heard my name whispered
in a thousand breezes,
as the waves lapped the shore,
as the moonlight illuminated the night.
I thought I recognized the voice,
But it was a whisper,
Who could be sure?
Perhaps it was someone I know,
or perhaps,
someone I don’t know yet,
but whose soul searches for mine
as mine searches for theirs.
The whisper is lovely,
And allows me to dream the peaceful dream,
Of laying beside someone who won’t let me go.
Contentment
In the knowing that I can hear it.
I guess I am taking stock of where I am. How am I doing, really, after the nasty break up? And not talking to S all week.
I have to say, I’m ok. I find myself a little pissed off at him from time to time, but then, it’s really at myself. Not like anyone couldn’t have seen it coming. I loved him, enough that I put blinders on to the red flags. I am beginning to get used to the texts not being from him, when my alert goes off. And it doesn’t bring a pang of sadness either. I don’t know why, but I am sitting on my deck, it’s evening, and for some reason I keep feeling like he’s going to be walking up the steps any minute, but I know damned well he is not, and I don’t want him to. Just a feeling. Maybe he’s thinking about me, or something. Maybe I’m making it up, lol. Just that we had that kind of connection, and just because part of it is over, doesn’t mean the connection is broken. It would be easier if it was. And maybe it is, it just needs time to deactivate.
I have been so angry at him, for being so ugly, and for the way he sucked me back in, only to hurt me. Why apologize to me, and say you will never do those things again, when that is so far from your intention. The last day I saw him, we lay in bed and fell asleep. He had a hold of my hand, and every time I tried to move it, he grasped it tighter. Why? Just because he could? And because he could make me think there was something there?
There wasn’t. Not anything. Yet I believed over and over again that there was. Because I wanted to. Because what was an illusion was what I dreamed of. He knew, and he played me, to get what he wanted. Then he unplayed me, again, to get what he wanted. And me, the willing participant.
Sigh. I am not really hurting, just reviewing my part in this. How I allowed myself to be used, and thus abused. How can I blame him, he loves the dark side. It is exactly what someone who craves that would do. Powerful ego. Drives him to prove to himself he can do it, I guess. Wow. Cool. Ugly.
I don’t regret that I loved him. It’s never a bad thing to put love out into the world. And he needs love probably more than anyone I ever met. I love being in love. I just hope next time, that it’s real, that the object of my affection feels somewhat the same, and has no desire to manipulate me to make himself feel good. I hope I see the signs and believe them, and am a little more pragmatic.
I’ve been talking to A quite a bit since he kind of came apart on me the other night. But we are more close friends, even though he occasionally says he wishes I were there with him, or he here with me. He’s just lonely, it’s been just he and his son for 3 months now, except for short stays with friends or relatives. And A likes the company of a woman. It’s nice to have a male friend who tries to make me feel good about myself.
So, how am I doing? I’m fine. It’s requiring a little more introspection than I thought it would. I mean, I was trying to end that relationship for weeks, and he kept drawing me back in with his illness, with his apology. Just so he wouldn’t have to feel like I dumped him. Why go there? I kept telling him we wanted different things. He kept saying I had no idea what he wanted. Well, I do. I did then, and I do now. He wants to grieve his angel of darkness for the rest of his days, and see how many women he can bed while he does it. More power to him. I will not be among the many.
Resting. Sitting back and catching my breath. It’s been a full, but rather introspective, few days. Quiet, as thankfully, I have not heard anything from the dark side. His books were delivered to him today, I just tracked them. I guess that’s it. After a year, return the books, and be satisfied with an ugly ending.
I am…satisfied with it. I see now, really, that’s the only way it would end with him. I mean, he loves the darkness. It still kind of blows my mind that he consciously chooses that. I’m grateful that it wasn’t uglier. I’ve never known anyone who chose darkness and admitted it.
My ex lived in fear of the darkness, but in the end, it finally took him. He didn’t choose darkness, he just couldn’t figure out how to go to the light. And now, he can’t understand what happened to his life, and blames everyone and everything except himself. Or did….I don’t know if that’s still true. He may have come to terms with the life he chose, now that he’s fallen about as far as he could go. It gives me no happiness, no pleasure, to see him like this, but it’s his journey, I chose differently. I have considered calling him, but then I would be sticking my nose in his business. He knows he can call me, and has done so in the past.
S wanted to know why I thought I was superior because I chose the light. Superior? Hardly….But I will say that the light is far superior to the dark. I am not, just because I chose it. But what I chose? A single candle can obliterate the darkness. All of our personal power is in the light, in love. There is none in darkness and fear.
I know this from personal experience, that the universe works through love, that it brings you what you seek in the shortest way possible, once you surrender to it. Sometimes it comes from exactly the opposite direction you thought it would.
This is what my book is about. How I discovered the power of unconditional love in my darkest hours. My biggest fault, I would guess, is that I try to illuminate the path for everyone, and not everyone is open to it. We each have our own path to walk, and the thing is, even if you choose the darkness….at some time you will be unable to avoid the light. It will surround you, and saturate you, and you will finally have peace.
Well, yes.
How far have you walked for men who’ve never held your feet in their laps? How often have you bartered with bone, only to sell yourself short? Why do you find the unavailable so alluring? Where did it begin? What went wrong? And who made you feel so worthless? If they wanted you, wouldn’t they have chosen you? All this time, you were begging for love silently, thinking they couldn’t hear you, but they smelt it on you, you must have known that they could taste the desperate on your skin? And what about the others that would do anything for you, why did you make them love you until you could not stand it? How are you both of these women, both flighty and needful? Where did you learn this, to want what does not want you? Where did you learn this, to leave those that want to stay?
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