The Versatile Blogger Award

Posted on by learning to live like water

versatile-blogger-award

Much thanks to Evelyn from Curious Evelyn Seeks for nominating me for my first award!  I’m so honored and excited about this!  I love to write, I’m passionate about it.  I’m also passionate about learning to live like water.  To learn to go with the flow, to get around the obstacles in my way to a joyful life, to find a way, to change, to do what’s necessary, but to get back to source.  It’s a process, never completed, I hope.

Seven Things About Myself

1. I’m 64 years old. That means I was born while Truman was president, lol.  That sounds OLD.

2. I’m a chocoholic.  I love dark chocolate with crystallized ginger the best, followed by dark chocolate with sea salt.  But I love all chocolate…especially chocolate truffles!!!

3. I am one of those people who reads 3 or 4 books at a time.  I usually have one in my car that’s for lunch time reading at work, and two on my kindle, one of a spiritual nature for my book club, and one for just pleasure.  I read every night before I go to sleep.  Sometimes 2 paragraphs, sometimes 2 chapters.  Whatever it takes to get my eyes to the point that they can’t stay open.

4. I was married for 32 years, with the man for almost 40.  It was a dysfunctional, abusive relationship.  It took me a long time to figure out what had happened to me, and a long time to put together a plan to get out, but I did it, and I have been happier since than I ever dreamed I could be.

5. I meditate every morning for 15 minutes.  Sometimes at lunch for 5 or 10 minutes also. Meditation has had all kinds of benefits for me, from lowering my blood pressure to helping me to stay grounded and focused at work.  I find there are a lot of answers in the silence.

6. I am dying to visit Italy.  I don’t really know why, maybe too much “Eat Pray Love” and “Under the Tuscan Sun.”  It’s where I want to go when I retire to celebrate.

7.  I live in New England now, and have for over 30 years, but grew up 3 blocks from the Mississippi River in Iowa.

15 Bloggers I am nominating for The Versatile Blogger Award

cote8050 from HeartWordsforPoetry

BetternotBroken from BetternotBroken

Crisabel3 from Cris’s Life Journey

Sheri Lynn Porowzek from Peace, Love, Write http://belikewaterproduction.com/

Belikewater  from http://belikewaterproduction.com/

Kritika Vashist from From the Soul to the Nib of the Pen https://krivashist.wordpress.com/

SendSunshine  from https://sendsunshine.wordpress.com/

Edward Roads from http://mytwosentences.com/

Joe from https://gijoe79blog.wordpress.com/

Daily Inspiration Blob from http://dailyinspirationblog.com/

Taking the Mask Off from http://takingthemaskoff.com/

Ashish Kumar from https://ashishvision.wordpress.com/

The Truth You Always Knew from http://thetruthyoualwaysknew.com/

Ogden Fahey Art from https://woodslog.wordpress.com/

Eric Schlelein from http://ericschlehlein.com/

Rules

1.Thank the person who gave you this award. That’s common courtesy.
2. Include a link to their blog. That’s also common courtesy — if you can figure out how to do it.
3. Next, select 15 blogs/bloggers that you’ve recently discovered or follow regularly.
4. Nominate those 15 bloggers for the Versatile Blogger Award — you might include a link back to the post on your site   announcing their nomination.
5. Finally, tell the person who nominated you 7 things about yourself.

BEWARE

Posted on by learning to live like water

Beware Some People Will Sell You A Dream And Deliver A Nightmare

Beware of Those Who Play Their Cards Close to their Chest

Because they are lying to everyone. They only tell you so much, so they can manipulate your thinking about who they are. And then they go on to the next person, and only tell them so much, so they can manipulate that persons thinking just as they did yours.

I was a secret. No one knew about me. Oh, he told me they did, a long time ago. But I was never introduced. I never met his kids. I never met his friends. If they called while I was in the car he either didn’t mention me, or said he wasn’t alone, but never, that he was with me. How stupid could I be? After a year……

Meanwhile…I was falling in love with the person he coached me on. I was writing all the secretiveness off to “he’s just not ready yet…” making excuses for him. Like an idiot. Like a fool.

After all, he took me to his “special places”. Bullshit, special. Bullshit. They were just beautiful places that he knew, from living there forever. It was just part of setting me up to love him.

For 2 weeks I reminded him a 3 day weekend was coming up. I was met each time with, “It’s 2 weeks away…..” I reminded him my son would be gone, I’d have the house to myself. I had visions….hopes….dreams….

But what I got was….an offer to come here for an afternoon. And a lot of grief again, for wanting to plan ahead, to plan for more.

Last week we met and talked, I did not want to be friends with benefits. If that’s what he wanted then we should split up. If he doesn’t know what he wants, then he should figure it out, by himself, and if he wanted to, check in with me when he knew.

Yesterday after explaining and re-explaining it for 36 hours…that I was not interested in an afternoon. A “nice afternoon” as he put it. That was the offer. After 5 or 6 times of saying “Look either come for the night and the day tomorrow or don’t come….” He finally told me he had a “family BBQ” at his ex wife’s that night, and wanted to watch the Indy 500 on tv tomorrow.

As if he didn’t know this 3 days ago. After playing me all day and night and morning this morning, bitching at me for wanting to make plans, for never being satisfied, for trying to control things.  All the while withholding information so that he could manipulate and control me.

He’s been hiding this, trying to manipulate me into believing that I am too demanding,that I want too much, because I wanted to spend time with him.  He probably went to his “family BBQ” and played the poor guy who’s girlfriend of 13 years left him last January after he put in a new kitchen for her out of his own pocket, and then got married. Never let them know he was in the process of fucking over a woman who adored him.

Gee….I wonder how sick the girlfriend was of his games. Imagine 12 or 13 years of this.

Me…I only lost a year to him. Believing his lies to me about how he was open to whatever happened. He was open to whatever he managed to make happen, which was to pull me from someone who really loved me, just to do it, and then use me for his own pleasure. How often did we lay together, and the next morning he would tell me how I “scared” him, how he was afraid of the feelings he had for me, and how he didn’t want to be in love or in a relationship.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

I loved him unconditionally. I made excuses for him every time. I made myself vulnerable. I put myself on the table, emotionally naked and brave, for him to use. Believing that he wouldn’t AB-use me. I was there on every dark day he had. When he had to have surgery, even though he’d fucked the prison whore 2 weeks before, I was there for him. When his best friend died, and he hadn’t talked to me in days, I was there for him.

Because I loved him.

Stupid stupid me.

He didn’t and wasn’t ever going to love me. He wasn’t man enough to walk away from me. He liked the attention. He liked the adoration. He liked my eagerness. He liked what I could do for him. Even though he couldn’t or wouldn’t do it for me.

I loved him anyway

Stupid stupid me.

Allowing myself to be a secret. Allowing someone to use my sexuality for their own pleasure, with no care about how he was using me.

One of these days I will stop beating myself up over being so stupid. But not for a few days.. I drowned my shame in a bottle of rum, last night.  Good rum.  Gosling’s Black Label.  There’s enough left for the rest of the weekend

Gonna try to forget what a foolish woman I am.

Beware of those men, and women, who hold their cards close to their chest. They are full of deceit. And they will hurt you.

I’ve Been Played by an Expert

Posted on by learning to live like water

I’ve been played.  By an expert player. While last night’s poem “Sweet juice of the grape” aptly described where I was then….I just found out the real truth, and I have been so played.  So used.  So uncared for and fucked over.  S is not the man I thought he was, he is not the man I was so in love with.  He knows how to play me, to get my sympathy.  But I tired of his game, and stopped playing and the truth came out, and I am so done with him….more done than I was when he fucked the prison whore.

Right now, I think that’s what he deserves, is a prison whore and no more.  Certainly not a woman who is capable of loving.  I’m gonna go lick my wounds with a bottle of rum, and  have myself a good cry, and when I get back from Florida maybe find a man who deserves me.

I might even give A a call.  We are friends, and I know he’d gladly hang out with me.  He’s moving in a few days, but I bet he’d be happy to do something with me to take my mind off of what S has done to me.  I know I’ll get over S, because I’m capable of it.  Because I know what I want, and even though I thought it was him, now that I know it’s not, I can deal with it.  Hope he can sleep at night with what he’s done.  My ex-husband was called unconscionable 9 times by the CT Supreme Court.  I wonder how many S would get.

i love my strangers :) especially the ones I have memories with aka friends

Sweet Juice of the Grape

Posted on by learning to live like water

letting go

Sweet juice of the grape,

Mask my sorrow,

Hide my pain.

Keep it from cutting a hole in my heart.

I will bleed, if it is on the surface.

I will writhe in pain on my floor.

Sweet juice of the grape,

Drown the voices in my head

and the ones on the phone.

Keep me from racing to him,

begging him to take me just one more time.

Into that place from which I find such great joy

And then such great sorrow.

Sweet juice of the grape

Be my friend.

Be my solace.

Help me find a place

Where his blue eyes will not torment me.

Where his smile will not lure me.

Where I won’t find false comfort in his hands.

Empty my mind of all the memories

Empty my mind of the dreams

Empty my heart, empty my eyes,

Empty all of it, sweet juice of the grape,

Let me forget, for just one night

How I loved him.

How I love him still.

Always……

Longing for the Summer Wind

Posted on by learning to live like water

The north wind blew yesterday.

Taking away the sun’s warmth.

Cold blustery fingers sneaking in my cracked open windows,

Inside my light summer jacket.

Reminding me why I love the warmth of summer.

Summer, when we can move unencumbered by layers and layers of clothes.

Summer when we can shift our lives outdoors,

Shift our love outside

Stargaze in the late night

With the one who occupies my mind.

Go away north wind, it’s not your season.

Let the balmy summer breeze fill the air

With the sweetness of wisteria, lilacs, roses on the trellis.

Let it fill my days and nights with easy loving

of what is.

The Invitation

Posted on by learning to live like water

This is one of my favorite poems.  Written by Oriah Mountain Dreamer.  There is a book of the same name that accompanies it.

The Invitation

by Oriah

It doesn’t interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know
if you will risk
looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me
what planets are
squaring your moon…
I want to know
if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals
or have become shriveled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know
if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations
of being human.

It doesn’t interest me
if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know
if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me
who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me
where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know
what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know
if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments.

By Oriah © Mountain Dreaming,
from the book The Invitation
published by HarperONE, San Francisco,
1999 All rights reserved

On Vulnerability and Love

Posted on by learning to live like water

The morning was gray, and quiet. I sat on my deck, having coffee, reading blogs, reading email. Doing some pensive introspection. About myself. About S. About vulnerability.

I have been a champion of vulnerability. I have watched Brene Brown’s TED talk on vulnerability maybe a dozen times. She speaks to what I have always known, but did not form into a cohesive thought until I saw her speak.

I have never been afraid to be vulnerable. Not with my friends, not with strangers, not with the men in my life. Not in my blogs, or my book, or with my son. I do believe that you don’t give someone all your secrets, until they have proven the right to hear them.  I give it out a little at a time, but I give it.  I will initiate it.  I am not afraid of it.

I believe it is the only way to have a real, fulfilling, human experience. I believe, as Brene does, that it is the birthplace of creativity, of joy. It is the ying of the yang. You can’t know joy if you don’t risk something. You can’t be creative if you are afraid of failure. You can’t expect someone to open up to you their deepest darkest secrets if you won’t share in kind.

Vulnerability means that you take a risk, you put yourself out there. Not knowing what the outcome will be, if you think that there might be a reward that makes it worthwhile. There is no risk-free existence. You can’t imagine that just because you love someone they will always love you back. You can’t believe that everything will always stay the same. Change happens. And when it happens, and you hurt from it, instead of closing your heart, you have to thank God you are able to love so passionately, so fully. Because it means you are alive. If you hurt….it is the ying to the yang. There is no great reward without great suffering.

Ram Dass tells a story about his guru, who when given the option of love vs. suffering, chose suffering, because it was then that he would grow. Learn about himself.

So, we wish those who cause us to suffer, love and light. We let them go on their way, in their life, and hope that they find joy. We find ourselves better prepared to go on with LIFE, and LIVING, because we have a deeper understanding of what brings us joy, and peace.

One of my favorite quotes is from Khalil Gibran. It states:

Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.

I have a friend who was devastated by an ex. This persons heart is closed now, for the most part. They do not want to love again, to risk giving of themselves because the pain is so great. I see cracks in the wall occasionally. But the person quickly fills them in, and retreats behind the wall again.

To me, it is like being dead before you are dead. So love didn’t work out that time, or the time before. Maybe it worked for awhile, a long while, and then it changed. Change is part of life. Loving to me is living. I cant’ separate the love of a person, from love of myself, my family, of every living thing. To stop one is to diminish all. Because they are all connected.

This being said….if we love someone to the best of our ability, and they choose not to return it for whatever reason, it’s not healthy for us to continue to dream that they will. There is a time to let go, and acknowledge that this is not the one for you. It comes with self awareness. Let go with joy, wishing all blessings and happiness to that person. And then risk being vulnerability again.

Never forget that once you decide what you want, the universe will conspire to make that happen. Thoughts become things, so think the thoughts about what you want. Not about what you don’t.

And live. LIVE.

Inaction is Also an Action

Posted on by learning to live like water

Its raining this morning which suits my mood.

I haven’t heard from S for a long while, not since he wanted me to talk to him about why I was upset as I tried to go to bed Thursday night, and I said I didn’t want to talk about it now, that I wanted to go to sleep (because I haven’t felt well, and haven’t been sleeping all that well, and am trying to beat the bug I have, if that’s what it is.) I knew talking about it would upset me, I could already feel the stirring in my solar plexus. I needed to hang up before it was tumbling and turning and keeping me up all night, yet again.

My few texts yesterday were met with silence, except one I sent to him in error, to answer a friend’s text. I don’t know what it means. Usually he comes back with “if you don’t hear from me for a day it doesn’t mean anything except you didn’t hear from me for a day.”

I find that unacceptable, it discounts my feelings. It feels like the silent treatment abusers use (my ex husband comes to mind) to let you know they are displeased. With my ex-h, I got to the point I was glad for it, because it meant I didn’t have to listen to him pontificate on what horrendous and unforgivable things I had done. With S…it is not so intent, I think it means he just doesn’t want to talk to me.

Well, that says something doesn’t it? I mean, no action is neutral, really. Not doing something is also an action. Right now, I am meeting inaction with inaction. It seems easier, at the moment, than hearing his voice with it’s lack of interest. The result will be separation, if it continues, what else can result?

I still trust the universe to work it all out for our higher good. I’m adjusting. I have a pretty busy weekend coming up. Even if not…I won’t have to question my sanity. It’s not what I wanted, but its what I’m given to deal with. I’m good at that, dealing with what is, I think. Or, getting better anyway. I’m getting a lot of practice.

hallmark of the wild

Posted on by learning to live like water

This was posted on Something to Tell. Inspiring…

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“Among wolves, no matter how sick, no matter how cornered, no matter how alone, afraid or weakened, the wolf will continue. She will lope, even with a broken leg. She will strenuously outwait, outwit, outrun and outlast whatever is bedeviling her. She will put her all in taking breath after breath. The hallmark of the wild nature is that it goes on.” Clarissa Pinkola Estes

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