Couldn’t Be Much Happier

Posted on by learning to live like water

He likes my little house. That’s a big deal to me, because he was not happy at all that I sold our house in CT, and decided to move here. Change is hard for him, and we were so happy in that house, after the years of abuse with his father. We were ok in the rented condo I had for transitional space, but the house we had there was a dream come true for both of us. Now that he’s happy in CO, and has a life there, he is happy for me, and he really really likes this cute little house. Kept saying, “You did really good Mom. I get why you just had to buy it.” Because, he felt for the longest time that buying this house pushed me to sell the house in CT immediately. But fact was, that house was going on the market when it did, and he gets that now. You have to sell between March and November up there, because very few people buy a house in the winter.

It’s so funny, how it used to irritate me so much to find his stuff stuck in the couch, or spread on the coffee table, his shoes on the floor somewhere, or a light left on somewhere. And now…it just makes me smile. Like, oh, this is how it always was. It is so familiar, the way the things our children do are.

We can, and did, just sit in the living room, each in a recliner, and talked for hours yesterday. The TV was on for noise, as was the habit in our old life, but we just talked and talked about our new lives. I could tell he loved the familiarity of our furniture from the old house. You’d think there’d be not much to say, because we talk every day anyway, but there was. He was way too tired to do any sightseeing, and I think it was cool, that he just kind of wanted to stay here and reconnect.

My son loves to mix this EDM music, and he uploads it to SoundCloud and has like 5000 followers. He got a gig to play the Saturday after Easter at a club in Denver. He played there once before, and they liked him well enough to invite him back for Saturday night. He doesn’t get paid, but he gets his name out there. He’s meeting a lot of the artists that have made it really big. He’s really breaking into it. He says he spends most of his free time making new recordings. I love that he has a passion for it, that he follows his passion. He landed in the right place to follow this passion, since he says Denver is probably the hub in the world for this kind of music, and the wild shows that go with it.

We’re both looking forward to going over to the island tomorrow to see my sis and hubby. My sis has a big really nice apartment over the garage, overlooking her pool, that he and I always stayed at. I told him maybe we could share my mom’s old room, where I stay now, in the house. He looked so disappointed, lol. He said, “Idk, Mom. I really need my own room, you know I stay up way later than you…..” But I know it’s just because he loves that space, it’s like a really nice hotel suite. So I’ll tell my sis that he’s staying up there, so he can watch TV late, and go to bed late and sleep late, lol. Just going to tell him to come to the house to shower etc….so she doesn’t have to clean it all up for one night’s stay.

He also knows my sis is a great cook, and the food will be awesome, lol. And we’ll hang by the pool, and the hot tub and go to the beach. It will be fun. My sis just loves my son too. I know at one time her hubby was appalled that I wasn’t insisting he go to college, but he’s doing so well, I know my brother-in-law has changed his mind on that. And it’s hard not to like my kid. He’s funny, and kind, and smart. His priorities are good, and he’s set his own boundaries, that make it easy to be with him.

I’ve had a few moments of wishing he lived close to me, but I am trying not to get too attached to those, because that stuff will just ruin the time we have. Just going to enjoy having him here, and then begin to plan the next time I’ll see him. Probably in the summer sometime, I’ll head to CO for a few days. He has all kinds of places he wants to take me now.

Couldn’t be much happier this morning. Love and light all.

He’s Here. Mom’s Content.

Posted on by learning to live like water

He’s here, at long last. His plane was supposed to be here at 12:30, but they had to fly around weather in Louisiana, so they were 20 min. late. Then they had to sit on the plane 10 minutes at the gate before they could deplane. In my son’s words, “I think it would have been easier to get here if I was a Syrian refugee.” Not to denigrate the struggle the refugees have, it was tongue in cheek, said in total exhaustion after 3 hours of sleep and an irritating flight. He does not really believe th half a days late, and anxious to get here.

I took him to lunch at an outdoor restaurant called Fish, and we had Ahi Tuna Poke, which is sushi grade tuna with fried wonton wrappers and salsa, and siracha dressing, and steamed little neck clams in garlic butter with toast. Mmmmmm. And a Bloody Mary each. We came back to the house and settled in, on our couch, and just talked for a few hours, catching up. It felt so wonderful, this is what we used to do often. He’d just come sit with me and talk.

I had made ribs and potato salad this morning, and I put the ribs back in the oven with BBQ sauce and we had dinner on the deck. Now we’re just watching tube, kind of doing our own thing. It’s just so cool to have him here, like he never left….like I never left. We are like best friends now, without giving up our mother son relationship.

Tomorrow night we have the baseball game. Rays vs Yankees, it’s the closer of the 3 game series which opened the season here. My son’s a Boston fan, and you know the Red Sox/ Yankees rivalry is the greatest rivalry in sports. He’s hoping the Yanks get beat. Might run out to St. Pete Beach during the day.

All’s well that ends well. So happy to have him here. Feel like I’ll sleep really well tonight, with my baby in the house.

Love and light.

14 Hours Later

Posted on by learning to live like water

I’m going to pick him up at the airport. Finally I had to re-book him on a 7:15 flight this morning.  He’ll be here st 12:30!!  Finally. He lost a half a day of vacation so we’ll have to work to make up for it. I might not be around a lot for the rest of the week, but I’ll be back!
Love and light!  

A Little Chaos

Posted on by learning to live like water

I am so grateful I blocked my ex’s number. He left me the weirdest message today, it was completely non-sensical, I mean like the ravings of a mad man. First he asked for his social security number. He then said he talked to my son this morning and forgot to ask. No he didn’t!!! He said he was afraid my son had “sexual relationships with that whore that his friend has. I was so upset about it I was up all night.” What. The. Fuck. Is. He. Talking. About? OMG. Stark raving mad.

He a.) did not talk to my son. b.) doesn’t know any of his friends. c.) Even if he knew some friends in CT, he’s in CO now!! Ex has never met or heard the name of one of his friends there! I have no idea who he is calling a whore. Not a friggin clue.

Then he says, “apparently, he didn’t, wouldn’t even think of it…..”

The whole thing is entirely made up, and if he thinks I’d give him my son’s social security number he’s out of his mind. Oh yeah, he is. Out of his mind.

OMG. What a batshit crazy man he is. So glad I don’t even live near him. And that I blocked his phone. Phew!

And that comes on the heels of Frontier delaying my son’s flight for 6 hours so that he gets in at 5 am. He is so angry, as am I….11:45 was late enough, and a one hour delay. 6 is unreal. Though I suppose it will be easier for me at 5 am. I’ll just get up at 4 and head to the airport. Pisses me off though, he’ll lose the first half a day sleeping. And I just woke up from a nap I took so I’d be awake at 11:45. Now I have to try to sleep for 5 or 6 hours before I go get him, and I won’t be tired, lol. Oh well, it’s whatever!

My horoscope didn’t mention that today might be a little on the chaotic side. Even though it’s usually pretty accurate, lol.

Love and light, all….

Some Personal Thoughts on Surrender and Non-Judgment

Posted on by learning to live like water

Making choices and decisions that are consistent with who we are striving to be is not always easy. Setting those boundaries is not so hard. Holding them can be hard. Not sliding into past behaviors can be hard. Not looking backward can be hard.

It’s important though, that we don’t beat ourselves up for any of it. Just acknowledging it is good, beause it makes you aware of your behavior and the nature of it, and where it comes from. I know for me, hypervigilance is something that I backslide into easily. I didn’t really realize or comprehend that I still do it, until I moved to Florida and my life left that hectic pace of full-time work and keeping a house and family. Now I am able to reflect on my actions more, and in a more relaxed atmosphere. Someone said to me the other day that hypervigilance is very defensive. I never thought of it like that, but I guess that is true. It’s like pre-emptive defense. Trying to figure out what’s going to happen so you don’t find yourself blindsided and face down in the dirt. I think anyone who has been in and gotten out of an abusive relationship probably suffers from hypervigilance. And a good bit of PTSD.

One reason I like the Veterans Art Center so much is that instead of drugging people, and telling them to “get over it”, they encourage vets to look at their experiences and create from them. Some of the art can be scary, as they exorcise the demons in their heads. With some artists, you can see the progression from the dark, battle images, to beauty as they are able to let go of some of the bad memories by putting them on the canvas.

That’s what writing did for me. Whether it was journaling, or blogging, or writing poetry, I’ve been able to put it on the page, and let go of the anger and fear and pain. Not saying I’m done yet, but compared to the early days when I left my marriage, and didn’t have a clue who I was. My son provided the motivation, to make a huge change, but how that was going to happen I hadn’t a clue. I basically had to surrender it to the universe.

Now, when faced with a dilemma I can’t solve, and when I recognize that I’m trying to control the outcome, I am much more able (though not all the time) to take a deep breath and allow things to unfold as they will, and accept them as they are. I guess I should add that trying to be non-judgmental is a huge part of healing. Non-judgmental of those who hurt me, and non-judgmental of myself, which is even harder. It has helped me to believe that most people are doing the best they can, from the state of their consciousness at the time. Looking backward without pain and anger can be hard, but when you can take that step across the threshold into creating a better future, it gets easier.

Which, getting back to the beginning of this post, surrender and non-judgement are really part and parcel of becoming the person I aspire to be. It’s a work in progress, for sure.

A lot of stuff rolling around my somewhat hung-over (from my writers group meeting yesterday) mind this morning. Not meaning to preach, lol, just working things out for myself.

Love and light…..

Sunday Musings

Posted on by learning to live like water

I went with my friend, B, the singer to see our good friend sing Frank Sinatra songs in a fundraiser for his church last night. It was called “Frankie and Johnny”. Our friend was Frankie, and another guy did Johnny Cash. I didn’t realize it would be set up like a lounge show, with tables for 8, and a small buffet, and a bar, and a dance floor. Neither B nor I wanted to drink, we just had bottles of water. It was really Karaoke, but both men were very good. The man who did Johnny Cash was in country bands most of his life and recorded many songs. Our friend P….he just has this awesome velvety baritone voice that is so perfect for the types of old crooner songs he sings.

He was all dressed up in a tux, he looked so handsome! His family had a table, and he invited us over to meet them all. He paid us a lot of attention when he was not singing. At the end, we were leaving and his whole family was trying to take a selfie, like 10 of them. I stopped and offered to take their picture for them, and they got P to join them.

It was a different kind of evening out, but was fun.

This afternoon my bunch of girlfriends is coming over for a first meeting of our loosely formed writers group. We’re just going to eat and drink wine and talk about what we want to accomplish with this group, since we all like to write.  And, like my friend B said last night, “I know what we’re gonna do, we’re gonna drink wine and gossip.”  LOL.   I know I’d like to be able to read some of my work, and have these close friends hear it and critique it. I know my good friend D, the actress-teacher-sculptor-writer already has an idea for a play. She called me yesterday and asked me if she railroaded me into having this, because she said she feels like every time she sees me she’s asking if we can do it again. lol.  I told her no, of course.  We’ve been talking about doing this for awhile, and I wanted to do it before my son came because after that is Easter, etc, and it would get pushed way back probably into May. They love to come here for some reason. I think my deck lends itself to the group, with my Buddha face on the tree and all, lol. It’s a small deck but it works. I have to go put another bug bomb under it though. With the rain we had the other day, I’m afraid the mosquitos have been breeding.

I’m going to try making homemade guacamole for them. I got my sister’s recipe, and I’ve watched her make it a few times. These girls are big guac fans, lol. And I’m going to make some “Glorious Morning” muffins. I’m really making those for my son’s arrival tomorrow, but the recipe makes way too many for just him and I, so I can give some to the group today. They are my son’s favorite. They’re kind of a carrot cake muffin, with carrots, grated apple, walnuts, raisins, and you can add crushed pineapple and coconut if you want. I don’t have any crushed pineapple or coconut, but they’re good without them.

Can’t wait for my son to get here. I’ll need to nap tomorrow, to be picking him up at 10:40 at night, but that’s ok. It was really the only choice he had. He seems excited too! I hope the weather holds for him. It’s been such lovely weather, except for the t-storms we had the other morning, it’s been typical FL, sunny and warm.

Feeling blessed this morning, to have so much good stuff in my life. Love and light, all.