That Ugly Power and Control Gene

Posted on by learning to live like water

I shared a post on FB of the cover of the latest New Yorker mag. It’s a very unflattering caricature of the Cheetoman, hitting golf balls at the White House, breaking windows. It’s pretty funny. Someone commented that he is such an “unqualified” public servant. I replied, “he’s not a public servant, he’s a public nuisance.” Seriously……he only serves himself. Jimmy Kimmel had a video up from his show where he shows how the tweeter-in-chief has a habit of moving things when he sits down. At dinner, at his desk, or coffee table, at a conference…what ever. I think my ex used to do that a lot, especially when he was trying to show that he was working. Control issues, both of them. Gotta re-arrange the table setting to show it’s never right.

Then I saw a video, on FB, of Cheetoman in a ceremony to sign a bill, with everyone there, and then he walked out of the room without signing it. He thanked everyone, said we’d see some immediate changes, and then left the room. Pence tried to get him to come back, and DJT told him to bring the bill with him. He’s starting to lose his shit, really. It’s wild, but kind of scary to see someone in that position who is seriously losinig it.

Every day, there is more stuff about this mans inability to deal with his job. After dealing with my ex last week so much, I can’t really watch him much because I swear, he even looks like my ex. Same facial expressions, when I know he was trying to fool everyone that he actually had a clue what was going on, but didn’t. I really hate to listen to him. So most of the videos I just watch and shut the sound off.

It’s scary really, when someone is so hell-bent on power and control that they will lose everything, like my ex did. But to see that same personality type….with their fingers on the nuclear codes….and randomly tweeting in the middle of the night, constantly disrespecting our allies. Crazy scary shit.

I learned a lot about power and control when I left my marriage. I had no idea what had happened to me until I was in an online community for abuser survivors. Then, I found Brene Brown, among others, but it was her TED talk on vulnerability that really broke it down for me. I wonder if the orange one’s father berated and belittled him his whole life, like my ex did my son. Like my father-in-law did to my ex. And all of tRumps wealth and running for a job for which he is clearly unqualified, to say the least, was to prove to his father he was worthy. And I bet he’s still not. This is just random musing on my part, but he sure fits the bill.

What I’ve learned is that these people never can change. They will go down with the ship. You can’t save someone hell bent for terror. I tried, I kept thinking that one day he’d snap out of it, one day he’d see what he was doing. but he just consistently became more deeply imbedded in it. My ex would rather have lost everything than admit being abusive. The stories he makes up now, I just have to pick my jaw up off the floor. I gave up a long time ago setting his record straight. It only creates an argument to tell him, for example, that he had 16 years with our son, not just 6 or 7. He made up this outlandish statement to try to explain why his son wouldn’t talk to him, rather than face that fact that he was horribly abusive to him. Just made up a story, that he can tell people, so he’s not at fault, so he doesn’t have to face the shame.  I am so glad I had my moment of realization that he was never going to be able to change, and was never going to allow my family to live a normal life, and moved on.  Because, look at the life I have now.  It was worth 4 years in court, to salvage the rest of my life.  It was even more worthwhile, to see how well my son is doing, because I gave him a chance to see a different way of living.  Not in fear but in love.

DJT too, just tries to cover one lie with another. He’s a bully, to hide his own fear rather than face it.

Well, it’s whatever. I guess I’m a little retrospective today. That power and control gene is a tough one.

I have a nice day planned. Going out to the “Frankie and Johnny” show tonight to hear my good friend sing. Might even put a dress on for it, lol. It’s a beautiful day today, 80° and sunny. I probably need to do some baking for my son in the next day or two. And maybe for our new writer’s group. That should be fun. Think I’ll take a nap this afternoon too. I was up in the middle of the night again last night, and finally took an Ambien. I guess I got some sleep. You know those nights when you wake up and you don’t think you’ve been asleep, but the clock shows the passage of hours….That was me. I don’t want to be falling asleep at the show tonight.

Love and light everyone.

Flutters

Posted on by learning to live like water

fluttering

My heart fluttered for a moment
When I thought of him
Smiling,
Laughing,
Talking.
When I remembered
the briefest of moments in which
Connection sizzled.

It made me smile.
A fluttering heart
And a fluttering tummy
Signs that I should trust my gut
On this one.

Maybe the Universe will
Conspire in my behalf.
It’s done it before.
I trust it will do it again.

So after I smile
After the brief moment of
Flutters
I surrender
To the Universe
And release all attachment
To outcome.

The universe can steer my course.
Flutters notwithstanding.
Just a knowing that what happens
Is what is supposed to happen.
How do we know?
Because it did……

By Deborah E. Dayen

Image from Hawkins Bazaar, via Google Images

The Coffee Is Good This Morning

Posted on by learning to live like water

Some mornings the coffee tastes better than others, you know? This morning was one of them. I don’t know why that is. I slept ok last night. Not great but ok, I woke up a few times, but managed to get back to sleep each time. I was taking a half an Ambien those days I had to deal with my ex, because he just triggers so much angst in me. I just finally decided to stop a few nights ago. I’ve been sleeping ok since. And gratefully, 2 days of no interaction has let him slip back into the netherland where he belongs.

I got up today, and wandered into the bathroom, thinking about how I needed to get the hibiscus tree, given to me by my old friend, planted. My joints are always stiff in the morning, so I thought, well, today I’ll take a walk again. I have not walked for about 2 weeks, because my friend from CT was here, then I had that bad cough, then I was helping with the grand opening, and then I was just plain tired….. So, it was on my mind to get a walk in today.

But as I looked in the mirror and ran a brush through my morning bed hair, I heard a rumble of thunder. It took me a second to realize what it was. Then I looked at the weather on my phone and it’s supposed to t-storm on and off til later this afternoon. Right now I can hear wind in the palm trees. I’m so expectant of every day here being bright and sunny, I was taken aback! So maybe I’ll walk late in the day. Or maybe I’ll plant the tree late in the day. At the moment, however, I’m rethinking my plans for today.

I guess its as good a time as any to put clean sheets on my son’s bed. I can work on the pendants my friend sculpted. And read. I have a couple of pieces of artwork that need hanging. I have a few pieces of jewelry I need to get up on my Etsy store. The thing I wanted to do the most was get the tree planted, because even though it’s in a pot, it’s flimsy, and the tree is top heavy, so it’s constantly getting blown over. I’m sure it’s laying on it’s side now.

I’m finishing my second cup of this particularly good coffee, and that’s generally the most I will drink. But I may just make one more in a bit, though, it probably won’t be as good as these first two cups. Maybe it’s the rain, and the dark morning because of the thick gray clouds, and the intermittent thunder that makes me want to just sit here and sip coffee and write.

I may contact my friend in Daytona and make plans to go see her. Thinking the weekend after Easter maybe. It’s about 3 hours from me. I know my childhood friend that lives here would like to go, if she has any money to spend. If not, I might drive over by myself. 3 hours is not so long, but it does require driving through Orlando, which always has a lot of traffic. Maybe my Daytona friend knows how to go around it.

Whatever, it’s all good. The wind has stopped, but the thunder has started again. Being retired is so awesome, to just be able to change plans at will. Loving every minute of it.

Love and light, everyone.

Lovely Way to End a String of Stressful Days

Posted on by learning to live like water

Open mic night was wonderful, as usual. I couldn’t wait to get there. It’s warm tonight, warm enough for summer clothes, shorts and tees. There were at least 10 of us around this table, and it is so good to be with good friends, no drama. Lots of laughter. Lots of good fun music. I needed it, bad.

I’ve been asking Beth, my good friend who used to sing professionally to do a Joni Mitchell song. I wanted her to do Blue, because it suits her voice so well, but we don’t have a keyboard player in the “house band” so she hasn’t done it, because it really needs piano with it. But tonight she got up and sang Joni Mitchell’s Woodstock, and said it was for me, lol. Because that one can be a’capella and she has a good enough voice to pull it off. I was honored.

My good friend was there, I got caught up with him. Going to see him Saturday night in a show for his church. They are calling it Frankie and Johnny. He’s going to sing all Frank Sinatra songs, and another guy is singing all Johnny Cash songs. It’s a fundraiser for the church, but he gave my friend and I free tickets, normally $15 each. I know I’ve said it before, but he’s one of the sweetest men I’ve ever known.

A bunch of us girls have been talking about having a writers group, and so tonight we made plans for 5 us to meet at my house Sunday for a first meeting to kind of see what we want to do, and where we want to go with it. My good friend who taught acting and wrote the other play we read already had an idea for another short play, which we could all perform at open mic. Even though I would be scared shitless to get up and perform in front of people. We’ll see. I don’t want to rain on her parade, she’s so enthusiastic.

Off to bed. I am so sleepy. I drank one glass of wine tonight and I’m ready to just disappear into the ethers when I hit the bed. Love and light, all.

Art, A Reprint

Posted on by learning to live like water

This is a poem I wrote last summer, for the SoCS writing prompt.  I was talking to someone today about what my art, poetry and writing meant to me, and thought I’d repost this for those who had never seen it.

Art

A picture was painted this morning
By the artist-at-large
In this world.

It is a sensory work of art,
the green of the leaves on the trees,
The blue of the sky
the scent of lavender,
the cool, almost imperceptible breeze,
rustling the leaves,
gently caressing my body.
The rich cup of coffee in front of me.
The sound of birds singing,
Neighbors dogs barking
And oddly the sound of cars on the road in the far distance.

I try to recreate the painting
With my words.
I try to make the reader feel it,
Because it seems to fabulous not to share.

I suppose that is what art is, to me.
The sharing of our emotions in such a way
As to evoke a similar response
Or a response at all,
From someone else.

I love art that makes me feel.
I love a book, or a post, or a movie, or a painting,
Or a piece of jewelry or pottery or a poem
That can make me cry, or laugh hysterically.

I want to feel.
Feeling lets me know I’m alive.
Art lets me know I’m alive,
When it makes me feel.
Inspires me to feel.

I hope that I also do that
In some small way
With my art.
With my writing,
Or my jewelry.
I hope it inspires people to feel.
Mostly to feel good.
To broaden their perspective,
To lift their gaze.

Or, just leaves someone a little happier for having run across it.
Art, is, it seems,
A wonderful way to extend love in this world.

By Deborah E. Dayen

Fun Days Ahead

Posted on by learning to live like water

I spent 4 ½ hours at the Vets Center. It is actually fun to be “working” there, to be part of the inner workings of a project that is so dynamic. I’ll probably volunteer to be there one day a week at least, so they can keep it open.

The artist I met on Saturday, Chuck, came in this morning. We talked again, for a long time. Interesting, Viet Nam vet. He doesn’t live too far from me, maybe 5 miles at the most. We shared buying old an old house stories, lol.

I have open mic tonight, looking forward to that. Ready to sit back and relax, and re-immerse myself in my life here. Dealing with my ex for so many days on a daily basis really wasted me. Since he lost that “competition”, which is how he always thinks of an interaction with me, he will steer clear for awhile. He competed with me for everything. Our sons attention, to be the most valued parent, to be the one who had the final say in everything, even though he was never there to make decisions. Exhausting. Hopefully my good friend will come, he’s so easy to be with for a few hours. He’s got a fundraiser he singing at on Saturday night, and a bunch of us plan to go. That will be cool.

Then Sunday and Monday I’ll be getting ready for my son’s visit. Stocking up the fridge, mostly. Might bake some of his favorite things. So excited to have him here. I need his energy in my house.

Feels like some really good days are here. Love and light, all.

Sick of Being Sick of It

Posted on by learning to live like water

So ends the saga of my life with my ex. When he couldn’t get out of going to sign the quitclaim or go to court, he stopped bothering me. When he knew he couldn’t get me to forgive his debt, or to make my son call him, he stopped calling me.

I drafted the letter, and as soon as the sale closes, I will mail it to him. As my friend JoAnna said, boundaries. I always had a hard time with him setting them, and he never could live with them. This time, he’ll have to.

Boundaries. Are a lesson I have been learning about this year, haven’t I? With my ex. With S. With S in particular, I always in the past eased them, I don’t really know why. Not this time. I am sick of being sick of that behavior. There should be a word for that, for being so sick of being sick of it. Layers of tiredness of the same ole same ole that never goes anywhere but back to the same place. I just want it in the past, the way past now. And to move on to a new lesson, a new passion, or whatever the universe has in store for me.

Today I’ll be taking on the actual duties as treasurer for the Veterans Art Center. I’m so happy that I have this worthwhile organization in my life. It is so good to focus on doing something positive for someone else. To use my abilities to make life better for someone else. Giving acknowledges having. I’m glad to go do this today, and get outside myself, into the world of people who are trying in a creative way to deal with the issues, real deep issues, that they have.

Gotta go. Love and light to everyone.