Stream of Consciousness: Men. LOL.

Posted on by learning to live like water

Stream of consciousness……da duh da duh da duh…..

Men.

My ex.

I had to talk to him this week, in the midst of all the chaos of the grand opening and the drama of Scott. He never signed a quitclaim for the deed to our slip, which I got in the divorce. I have sold it, but can’t complete the transaction until he does this. So I called him to ask him to please do it, and he said he would, but that means nothing. He is a worse game player than Scott, I think. I will probably have to threaten him with contempt of court to get him to actually execute the quitclaim. I have a court order from a few years ago that if he is back in court for not following the judge’s orders following our divorce trial, he will go to jail, because he messed with it so much. But that’s who he is. A pathologic liar and sick sociopath. I don’t know if he’s still drinking or not. He said he needs to call me back because he has some issues to discuss. I said, what issues…we’ve been divorced 8 years. I have always said that he still thinks I’m his wife, somehow…..I don’t want to have another conversation with him. But I also know he’ll probably never call me back, lol. It’s not my first go ’round with him either. However, the 10 minute conversation I had with him was exhausting, as it always is. Circular, difficult, can’t be heard, can’t be acknowledged, and he lies, about everything, just to be lying.

Scott.

So wonderful to have freedom from the chaos of Scott. I am not gonna say anything else because I’ve already spent too much time and thought and emotion on this relationship in the last week, and it’s over.

Lou, L.

God, I like him so much. I think I could easily fall in love with him. I feel like the above drama with S though, spent my emotional energy away from focusing on a relationship with Lou, toward ending one with Scott. It just feels that the connection with Lou has weakened. I hope that I have not energetically sabotaged it. I hope that now that I have closed the door on Scott, that it will reopen the energetic door with Lou. There’s no concrete reason I feel this way, but intuitively, I’m just feeling that we’ve backed away from each other. I’m not pushing it. If I hear from him, I’ll be happy. If I don’t, I’ll still be happy and know that the Universe is still working in my behalf and has not yet brought the exact right guy to me. There are some things that put me off a bit, actually. He’s way more conservative than me. I don’t think he likes to think about things deeply, which right now is a godsend. I am sick of having to go so deep to figure a situation out, and then still feeling confused and chaotic about it. Lou is much more “what you see is what you get.” And, what I saw when I made him dinner, I liked. It was light and breezy, and easy. But at some point, it may frustrate me, to be with someone who shys away from the hard conversations. He goes home a lot to Ohio, which might be a problem at some point, but I also admire his commitment to his kids to help them start this business and make sure it gets off the ground on the exact right footing. That’s just cool. Just saying….I don’t know if that adds up to having a real relationship. But I’m just gonna go with the flow on this one. However the universe takes it, is ok with me. Surrender is becoming easier.

Chuck.

Chuck is an artist I met Friday when he brought in his incredible artwork for the gallery opening. I did not talk to him much at all then, I was just way too busy. Yesterday he came into the gallery I spent the day in, and we began a conversation as he looked at the three original panels used for the granite wall Vietnam Memorial in Tampa. He is a Viet Nam vet. And and incredible artist. And tall, and good looking and kind. One of those people who just is not afraid to be vulnerable. (It’s hard to be a good artist if you’re afrid to be vulnerable, but that’s another blog. Maybe though, that’s why I like artist types so much.) We talked for 20 minutes, maybe a half hour. About my friend the curator, and her physical ailments and how she just pushes through them. How she and I grew up together on the banks of the Mississippi. About movies, and the art therapy mission of the Veterans Art Center, about Gulfport, and CT. Finally, the gallery began to get busy again, and I had to focus my attention on other people’s questions, etc. He said he was going to go check out the other galleries, but we exchanged names, and both said we’d enjoyed talking, and he held my arm for a moment, and said, “ talk to you again….” Not that there were big sparks, or anything. But I did realize that if it doesn’t work with Lou, it could work with someone else. That I don’t need to be feeling bad if the universe directs me and Lou apart. Just gave me a lift. I have a feeling that I may see him again, at the gallery, or at something to do with it.

My horoscope for yesterday (I didn’t read it til this morning, lol) said I might meet the love of my life yesterday, unless I already had. I don’t know if that statement, or either of them is true, but I do believe I will meet that person. My medium said by October, she feels I’ll be in a relationship. I hope she’s right. I think I’m ready to really have that happen.

Love and light, again.

Youth Is Wasted On The Young

Posted on by learning to live like water

You know the old adage, “Youth is wasted on the young”? Yeah. Just, yeah.

Yesterday was so cool, such a fun day. It was work too, for me only the 2 days before, and yesterday, being on my feet for at least 8 hours (yesterday more like 10 or 11). I loved it, I hurt at the end of the day but managed to get up the next morning and go at it again. Except for driving there yesterday morning when I suddenly didn’t know if I’d missed my turn on the way to the center, a place I’ve been maybe dozens of times, I seemed to be able to keep my wits about me.

But this morning, I hurt, lol. My feet, my ankles, my knees, my hips, my shoulders, my elbows, wrists, hands, and particularly my thumb on my right hand which never bothered me before, are all sore. I feel all of my almost-66 years today. But I also feel good, emotionally. Satisfied, you know? Like you do when you complete a big job, like painting a room, and it came out good, and now you can just sit back and enjoy it?

I had suggested to my friend, the gallery curator, yesterday that we go to Mangia Gourmet, the open mic venue, today for the brunch they have every Sunday with music, and maybe just get a cup of coffee and a bagel and sit outside and veg out to the music for a while. We both were enthusiastic yesterday, I would guess neither one of us really wants to go anywhere today. Maybe, but, maybe not. She’s been saying she needs to do laundry, but doesn’t have a washer/dryer, and has to go to the laundromat, and has been putting so much time into the center that she hasn’t had a chance to do it. So maybe I’ll tell her to put a couple loads in her car and come over here and veg out while the laundry gets done. Sit on the deck with a cold drink and listen to Beth Hart.

I was perusing FB, not having looked at it in days. Nor have I seen the news, except the really big things like tRumps health care bill being withdrawn. This morning, I only read a few political posts (and I get a lot in my feed), and focused on the funny ones, or the human interest ones. There was one from the NY Times Magazine about Sequoia National Park, with pictures, that was just so lovely to read, about those incredible living beings that are older than Christianity, literally. I want to go there before I die, to be in the presence of life that has, against all odds, grown straight and tall, and somehow deflected all the things that could kill it. I think there’s a huge lesson for humanity in those trees, if we can actually get out of our ego minds.

Maybe I’ll write today, or watch movies, or binge watch Mozart in the Jungle. I was going to work on jewelry but my hands are too sore. Don’t ask me why, I didn’t particularly use them an extra lot yesterday. It’s probably just arthritis seeping around my whole body today, because I am so tired, and don’t have the energy to try to stop it, lol. I’m sure I’ll be fine tomorrow, so it’s not to worry about, just deal with the discomfort today. Maybe I’ll look up “hands” in Louise Hays book “You Can Heal Your Life” and find out what the emotional component of hand discomfort is, and add her affirmations to my daily meditation and prayers. Can’t hurt.

Well, onward, to another cup of coffee, and a day of relaxation. Plus I still have to get the hibiscus my friend sent me out of the box, which is about 4′ tall, and about an 10” square. The plant is in there so tightly, I guess the best way to get it out will be to open the bottom and pull it out, so I don’t break branches of it off. Need to dig a little deeper to find a little more “youth” to tackle that project, lol.

Love and light, everyone.

The Universe Conspired, Again

Posted on by learning to live like water

The grand opening for the Veterans Art Center was a smashing success. I have to guess we had between 500 and 1000 people come through. We sold a lot of veteran’s art, which was awesome. I just stayed in one of the larger galleries all day, answering questions, greeting people, whatever was needed. It was incredible to watch vets meet each other, and ask what branch they were in, and so many of them found out they had so much in common. Then they would tell stories, they’d look at some of the military art and had so much to say.

There is a granite wall in Tampa Bay, etched with 3 scenes created by Timothy Lawn. He donated the original proofs for this wall to the art center. They were the centerpiece of the gallery I was in, and those three panels engendered many very emotional responses, and vets would just start telling me about how they were there, how they remembered one thing or another. Some of them talked to me for 20 minutes or so about their experience. One woman went in the ladies room, and came out and said to me, “I didn’t think I’d cry….” She went on to tell me how her father was there, and her cousin died there. A vet came in who had worked on the actual memorial, and spent about a half hour telling me about it.

I met so many people, who were so excited that this center even exits. One woman said she had never seen something so uplifting. She said she had been an art therapist for her whole life (she was roughly my age) and that art is the very best way to deal with PTSD, and how they just used to give vets pills and tell them not to think about it. Vets who would never tell anyone about their experiences, create art and will willingly tell the story behind it. Everyone wants to be acknowledged and appreciated.

I am so happy to be a part of this organization, which is really trying to help vets deal with the issues that have caused their suicide rate to skyrocket in recent years. It is so wonderful to see so much support from the community for it. It’s so nice to be doing something for others, and to be involved with other people who want to do the same. I think the universe has conspired in my behalf, yet again.

I’m sitting now, in my recliner, with my feet up, drinking water, eating an apple dumpling I bought at the bake sale today. I had a glass of wine there before I left, but was afraid to drink any more, I am so tired. I might have some now though, lol, that I am safely home.

Awesome day. Love and light, everyone.

Good To Have Friends…..

Posted on by learning to live like water

I came home last night and there was a long narrow box on my doorstep, from QVC. I don’t ever order from them, I couldn’t imagine what it was. When I got it inside I saw that it had “live plant” on the outside of the box. It was a beautiful hibiscus from my oldest bestie in Iowa. We have known each other since we were 11 years old. I assume it is an early birthday present. She never forgets a birthday. (I’m the kind of person who’s grateful for FB reminders….) What a lovely thing to find, on my doorstep. I will try to plant it tomorrow, if I can muster one shred of energy, LOL.

So grateful for old friends. This past week has been so chaotic, between the grand opening today, and the drama with S, punctuated by a lovely wonderful evening with L . I am so happy to have a reminder of when times were simple and peaceful, and that I am so blessed with old friends, and new. So blessed with a rich full life.

I feel kinda bad writing about all the drama, but I needed to get it out. I will probably delete it at some point, it just isn’t really representative of who I am. But, then again, it is true stuff, that happened, and maybe leaving it up is a good reminder. I don’t know. I have left up all the other drama I’ve had with him, and when I see that someone has randomly read it a year later, I find myself wishing it weren’t there. It seems dishonest to take it down, on one hand. And on the other, it seems to give life to something I don’t want any part of any more. I’ll think about it when I’m not so tired, lol.

Well, off to get showered and dressed. It’s a big deal, I hope they have a good turnout, for all the work people have put into this. Love and light, all.

When Is An Apology Real?

Posted on by learning to live like water

I just got home from a long day trying to prepare the art center for the grand opening tomorrow. Hanging more art, and cataloging all of it, organizing the spreadsheets so that the we can know which gallery each piece of art hangs in. I am just amazed at the scope of this project, how much participation they have received, the volumes of art that is on display. I felt guilty leaving tonight, but my feet and ankles were just done after 8 or 9 hours of continuously being on them. So I went home, and hopefully will be of more use to them tomorrow than I could be if I stayed later tonight.

Most of the work I did today was fairly mindless, really, though. So I had a lot of time to think. I heard from the nameless one again….I know, I know. Ridiculous. I just kept thinking about how he keeps behaving in ways for which he has to apologize.  Why he can’t change his behavior, but he can’t. An apology which says, “I agree with everything you said” doesn’t mean a whole lot when you’ve heard it so many times. The behavior stays the same….I’ve begged him to leave me alone, and maybe he will now. I also actually feel genuine compassion for B. My anger with him had nothing to do with her, because I knew what he was up to.  He just managed to piss me off royally just by his arrogance, and his narcissism, and I just am so sick of it.  I was sick of it in December.  Didn’t talk to him for a couple months, but then the damn smoke alarm thing, geezus.   However, B didn’t know, apparently (even though I’d mentioned it before in my blog)…and he was telling her something else, from what I gather. I don’t know exactly what he was telling her, and I don’t want to know=. I was told he was not with her, but I guess she believed he was trying to turn over a new leaf. While he was not, while he was continuing with the same behavior he did 18 months ago, and it’s been pretty much on-going since I moved.  The only saving grace was that I am now 1500 miles away, and none of our conversations could be acted on.

Oh, I’m running on, just trying to think my way through the tangled web of lies, that somehow caught my leg and pulled me in. I just feel for her, to be blindsided yet again. But I’m so happy to be out of that triangle, and game that he plays. I feel bad for him, to not be able to change such self destructive behavior.

And I’m so happy to be having such a cool guy as L make me dinner next week. Such a big difference.

So tomorrow will be busy, and fun. Gonna get some dinner and rest. Love and light, everyone.

An Apology

Posted on by learning to live like water

I don’t have much to write this morning. I’m tired, and I’m going to go to the Art Center in a little while and do what I can to help. I did want to say that I got an apology via voice mail for that angry message yesterday. He really doesn’t want to be so angry and mean, and I knew that. I knew that he knew somewhere it was not my actions that lead to his demise. I hope the whole ugly episode can be let go, and we can move on with our separate lives, and find happiness.

I’m glad I got to go to open mic and just relax for a couple hours. Like my friend said, it soothes the soul. I am still very blessed, with friends and family, and a rich, full life.

Love and light to all.

Feels Like I’m Working Again

Posted on by learning to live like water

 

What a busy busy day. I felt like I was working again, lol. I guess I was. On my feet for the better part of 8 hours. We hung about 100 paintings. There were 5 or 6 of us trying to place them all, group them in some kind of order, tag them all with the artists name and information. We have 4 galleries, each with maybe 30-50 paintings. My friend who is the curator has to try to juggle everyone’s opinions, and then do what she thinks is right. So many decisions, she was pretty spent by the end of the day. She is so happy to have someone there with her, who is like family. I brought her a sandwich to have for lunch, and will probably do the same tomorrow. Then I had her come to my house, and we ate left over pot roast, and then headed over for an evening of relaxation at open mic night. Tomorrow we go back and finish up the main gallery, and a couple of other smaller rooms in the galleries we did today.

I was happy to see my good friend at open mic, and I sat with him, as usual. This week he sang. He’s such a sweet man. Someone was playing the blues, an old blues song, and I just closed my eyes and was swaying to the music. He leaned over and said, “the blues just soothes the soul doesn’t it.” Yeah, he gets me, for sure. It’s so nice to have a close male friend, who is and forever will be just a good friend. We didn’t talk much tonight, but I could tell him anything, and he’d listen, and try to offer some help.

It was so nice out tonight. I just got home at about 10 pm and it was still 70°. There was a bit of a breeze blowing, but it was so nice to sit outside for a couple hours, and listen to music, and talk to friends, and not be cold. Sipped on some ice tea tonight, cherry hisbiscus tea.  It was good!  My friends were all so happy for me, that my son is coming to visit. They still want to have another meeting at my house, so maybe next week. Between the grand opening and my son coming.

Well, off to bed. Love and light everyone.

Pizza, and Other Tidbits

Posted on by learning to live like water

I’m sure some of you have iPhones. The newer ones, and maybe even older ones, now will translate a voice mail into text. It can get pretty funny as all voice to text can, although I will say it’s surprisingly accurate at most times.

Anyway, I got an angry voice mail yesterday, from the nameless one. I have had a few voicemails from him in the last few days, all saying he just wanted to talk to me, he wasn’t angry, etc. Instead of calling him, which would only lead to an angry exchange, (because I was still angry, even if he wasn’t, at the audacious things he said and the lies) I sent him an email asking him to just let it go, and also told him and posted on here that I was seeing L last night. The voicemail that I received after that went from “please call me.” to calling me a “piece of shit” for ruining his relationship with B. (I did email him and ask him to consider that it was the lies he told both of us that did him in with her, particularly telling me that he was not “with” her, that they were just friends who had coffee together occasionally. Seriously, he’s out shopping for women, and I’m the cause of his demise? Hmmm. I think not. Narcissist….)

The iPhone however, didn’t comprehend “piece of shit” and changed it into his calling me a “pizza”. It really made me laugh. Pizza. Don’t think I’ve ever been called pizza before! LOL. Really took that anger and kind of made me laugh at it.

So ends the last act in that ridiculous drama. Pizza. With pepperoni, please….

My dinner with L was wonderful. He’s going to cook for me early next week. We talked and laughed and just enjoyed each other’s company. Respectful, and kind, and and funny, and a little shy, which is very endearing on a big, good-looking, football player type! Can’t wait to see him again.

I thought my cough was gone, since I didn’t cough all day yesterday. Until he got here, and kept making me laugh, deep belly laughs that made me cough….I was a little embarrassed! But it didn’t seem to put a damper on us, so that was good.

Early next week is a good time to see him again, because I will be very busy with the grand opening for the Veterans Art Center for the next few days. I think the actual event will be a lot of fun. I’m hoping that a lot of vets artwork is sold and that they make a lot of money, as well as the center raises a lot. It’s such a wonderful project. Today I’ll go over and help my bestie who’s the curator to get all the galleries organized. She said we’ve gotten in 100’s of pieces of amazing artwork for it.

And I have open mic tonight.  Won’t be home too much today!

Exciting things happening here. The shift I felt a week or so ago is well underway, and life is amazing. Love and light, everyone.