Weary,
I long to rest my heart
On yours.
To hear a heartbeat
Reverberate through the silence.
Only silence envelopes me now
Quiet dulled by emptiness.
Where will I find some peace,
And when?
Tears leak out of my eyes,
begging solace from the night sky.
Walls implode
And crash in on me.
I tiptoe through the rubble,
looking for the pieces of myself that are scattered across the landscape.
You. Only you.
Is all I can find.
Is something a loss if you never really had it?
Or if what you had was not what you thought it was?
Or what you wanted?
Is it loss because you dreamed of it,
And the dream died?
In an instant….
fighting for it
didn’t make it so
Nor begging
Nor asking,
Nor longing.
It never was.
I think it’s loss
Still.
Outside again before the sun was up today. Everything still wet from last night’s much needed rain, the sky was streaked with gray clouds in the darkness. One tiny crack in the gray gave way to dawn’s first light. It is still, except for the faintest breeze. The air is chill, I sit, wrapped in a blanket.
I closed my eyes in the dark, choosing a meditation on Acceptance. Because things are not as I want them, but they are ok, I need to shut down the incessant chatter of my monkey mind, and allow myself to see and accept and find joy in what is.
Oddly, though it was not my intention, choosing to focus on acceptance, to think about my ex-husband. He is rarely in my thoughts anymore. But, as it does in it’s own inimitable way, the universe reminded me that today is his last day in our old house. The house was foreclosed on and he fought a crazy misdirected fight to remain in it once it was sold, which lasted about 6 months. He has lived there since 1978. It was a small cape cod style home, exterior of stucco, roof of slate. It sat on a rise, overlooking 125′ of lake front, on 3/4 of an acre of land. The tallest tree on the lake is on that property, a tulip tree maybe 100′ or even 150′ tall. The trunk so big that you couldn’t even put your arms 1/2, maybe not even 1/4 of the way around it. I loved the orange tulips that grew on it every year. You could see it from anywhere on the lake. A yard full of mountain laurel, and huge old rhododendrons. It was once a beautiful place, but has fallen into complete disrepair.
But I digress.
In his belief that there was only lack in the world, he never had enough. In his belief that he was not worthy of love and belonging, he was unable to accept or give love to anyone, in the end. I spoke to him earlier this week. He called me and left a voice mail, the night S was here. Oddly, I had driven by his business, of which I was an integral part for 30 years, earlier in the day, (after I found my car in the parking garage….) and seen a for sale sign on it, and it was closed. I assumed that had something to do with his call. He had sounded urgent, when he called, as if it was very important to both of us. I know better.
But I called him. He was calling because in the basement he said there was a box of stuff that was really mine, that was really water damaged. Things like my high school diploma, books, pictures…. Did I want it? It was so badly damaged that he didn’t know how I would salvage anything. I told him, no, throw it out. I haven’t looked at it in 30 years, at least, I won’t miss it.
This was not urgent. I am surprised he would even ask. I think the urgency in his voice mail came from somewhere else. Perhaps, he just wanted my attention. Perhaps, he wanted me to know that he’d finally given up the fight.
I asked him how he was doing, knowing that he is not equipped to deal with this move on any emotional level. His things are how he identifies himself. To say he had a house on the lake, was who he was. To say he owned his own business, was who he was. Now he has neither. I am sure he has no idea who he is anymore. He told me he’s taking it one day at a time. I offered my assistance this weekend, to help him pack it up, to move it, to store things for him. He politely declined my help, as I knew he would.
My son asked me to see if I could get his hockey stuff. Hockey was a HUGE part of son’s life, the main focus, as he grew up. He played from age 5 or 6 to 16. He was pretty good. He quit, to be free of his father’s control. He gave up a lot, something he really loved, for that freedom. It was not until years after that he understood what his motivating force was. But 3 weeks after he quit, he was living with me, having gone to school one day from his father’s and come home to my house. He has been back one time for dinner in the 6 years since.
But he wanted his trophies, his jerseys, his autographs and any other memorabilia he has. His father told me he could have them. I offered to come over and pick them up. His response was that it was all packed to go to his new place, and to get at it, he would have to unpack everything else.
Meaning, no…son can’t have it unless he asks his father himself, and comes to get it himself. His last little string of control on my son. My son has no relationship with his father at the moment, for a few years now. Because his father, is his father. He has made a small effort, at times, to make my son believe he has changed, and the minute my son felt comfortable with him, he would go back to being the controlling manipulative man he is. He brings chaos to everyone’s life that he encounters. It is mainly the chaos we both left, the never knowing what any day would bring us, never knowing if the earth might shift on its axis while we slept.
I asked him where he was going. Since things were packed up to go to his “new” place. He said, “Oh I’m not sure, I’m hoping for confirmation today.” I wanted to say, “Really? You have to be out of the house in 4 days and you don’t know where you are going?” But I know better. He doesn’t want me to know, and to question him will only bring me a whole huge circular conversation at the end of which the answer will still be that he doesn’t know.
So…today. He will pack up the final load. He will drive out of the driveway, to parts unknown. My son and I will have no way to contact him (he hasn’t had a cell phone in years) or know where he is. It is the way he likes it to be, so no one can find him, or know what he’s doing, or hold him accountable.
It just seems so strange, so odd, so unsettling I guess, to not know where he is. I have known every day for the last 50 years almost, since we were 18, where he was, what he was up to, basically. It’s not that I need to know, really, my emotion for him is only sadness. But now, he is really on his own, really by himself. I have serious doubts that he has even told his sister, the only family he has outside of us, where he will be.
I can’t imagine living so solitary a life. Isolating yourself so much from the world at large. But I accept it, it is his journey to make, perhaps he needs to do this to find his true center. I prefer to believe that. I prefer to believe that he will, at some point, have the epiphany of all epiphanies, and find a glimmer of light. I prefer not to think of him as living his life out separated from the world.
Acceptance. This was not where I thought I was going to go with this. I was looking to accept that I wasn’t seeing S this weekend, because he’s busy with his house, and perhaps still uneasy with me, and I was looking to make good use of the time, even though I’d rather have spent some time with him, trying to bridge the gap that I so stupidly put between us last week. To be honest, even before that, although we talked regularly and intimately, we hadn’t seen much of each other. Maybe because I was always jumping the gun with him, always demanding more than he was able, or wanting, or free to give. Kind of acting like a petulant child, I guess, not getting what they want.
Today, I may see some friends, maybe take a walk, maybe go to a farmer’s market. Maybe not. Maybe just stay home, work on my house, make some jewelry since I have use of my right hand again. The day usually brings it’s own destiny, and I will practice accepting whatever it brings my way.
I guess the only way to make sense of chaos, is acceptance. To let be what is. Even if the path is strewn with obstacles, and difficult to see at times. It is what it is. To live like water is to find a way, to go with the flow. There is only acceptance.
My first tears fell last night. The anger gave way to the cause of it and I broke down sobbing last night. I woke up doing the same this morning. Thank God I have the sleeping pills from my carpal tunnel, they afford me 5 or 6 hours of sleep.
I miss him so much, if I think about it for a second, my heart just squeezes and all that pain just pours down my face, just wracking my body.
This morning, I unblocked him and sent him this pathetic text.
“I miss you so much I can’t breathe. I can’t stop crying. I’m a mess. I tried so hard to love you so well and it didn’t matter even one teeny bit. I unblocked you in case you have a pang of conscience about walking so briskly away from the woman that loved you.”
Because, this ex gf, Betty Boop, I don’t believe she loves him. I believe she needs something from him, and is using his love for her to get it. I don’t think anyone who leaves a 12 year relationship, runs off an marries a man she doesn’t know, and walks out on the marriage 18 months later, has a clue about herself. I don’t know her. I don’t need to know her, her actions tell me who she is.and my intuition.
Maybe S likes being so much smarter than her. Maybe it feeds his ego, to have some sexy dumb woman think he’s smart. It feeds his ego enough that he doesn’t mind being used by her to take care of all her financial needs.
Damn the connection I have with him. If I am right they were together last night, and this morning. I know he’ll go read the text in private, I know he won’t have read any of my blogs until he’s alone. Maybe he’ll stop reading them altogether. After all, I suppose he doesn’t really need to know what I’m thinking now. He’s got her to occupy his mind. Maybe he’s spending all of the long holiday weekend with her. Something he would never do with me.
I need to let go. I forgot how painful this roller coaster is. Last night I was pretty high, I was not caring, until I got home. This morning, I feel like I’m gonna die if I don’t talk to him. I know it would be so much better if I could just cut off communication, but I just can’t, quite yet.
I still know that I’ll be ok. I know I’ll get through this. I know there is someone out there who will love me and what I have to offer. It is just so hard to think of him with her. That’s where I get stuck. I need to do a lot of work around that one thing. I just can’t stand him being with someone else.
He used to tell me that they never talked during the week. Sometimes a quick, “are we on for the weekend” message. I thought that so strange. He and I talked all the time, texting during the day at work, in the evening, sometimes talking on the phone. Seems so strange that he loved someone so much that he never talked to. Just seems…a cold way to have a relationship.
Well, if that’s what he wants, that’s what he wants. I could never want it. I loved our conversations. Intimate, flirty, downright sexual, intellectual, spiritual, debates at times One reason I loved him was his ability to discuss intelligently a huge wide rage of subjects and interject his pretty expansive and varied life experiences to them. I miss his stories. I miss how he made me laugh. I thought he liked it too. I know he liked what I did for him in bed.
And she shows up, and he just takes her back, and tosses me to the side. It’s killing me today. Just killing me. So much rejection, so suddenly.
I just had a glimmer though, a small one. I thought how a week ago, he called me dumb because I misunderstood his two word communications when he was in NJ. How angry it made me. How unnecessary it was for him to talk to me like that. I knew it was because he was in a bad mood from his sisters, and taking it out on me. When I stood up to it, it got worse. He was swearing at me, because I misunderstood him. He had forgotten his phone charger altogether, and was trying to save the battery. He’s always had one in the car, I’m pretty sure, and I just assumed that since he was driving he was able to charge the phone. that he only hadn’t been able to charge it when he was in his sisters house. I told him he was the stupid one for forgetting the charger, and that he was also an asshole for calling me dumb and everything else he called me. And later that evening, when I knew he was home and wasn’t contacting me, I sent him an email, telling him that I missed the man I thought he was, but the one that showed up that day, I didn’t want within 100 miles of me.
So the question I’m asking, that’s given me a little glimmer, is….If he were to decide he didn’t want to be with her, and wanted to be with me, do I really want that back in my life? Because that’s our two week cycle. I still don’t want to that man, that calls me names, and flashes his anger like a weapon, within 100 miles of me. I only want the funny one, the one who makes me laugh, the one who tells great stories, and the one who is so physically passionate, though selfish. I can’t have one without the other. And I really don’t want the other.
That answer makes it easier to deal with the fact that he’s with her right now. Tears have finally stopped. If I remove Betty Boop from the equation, it is all the same. He and I can’t work for more that 2 weeks without a blow up. That book needed to be closed.
God, I have come full circle with this blog.
Writing is so therapeutic. I couldn’t do this if I couldn’t write and work this stuff out. I didn’t expect this to go here, but here I am. My circle may look like the one in the picture, full of twists and turns. It may be convoluted, but I ended up back where I was before Betty Boop showed up.
My ex. Where to start. Sheesh.
His home, my old home of 30 years, that he fought so diligently to keep me from ever feeling ownership of, or having any legal right to, was foreclosed on. The process took about 2 years, he fought it with all he could and I’m sure with a lot of imaginary stories that the court, and the bank, had to investigate to find the truth. At any rate, it was finally sold last spring. He told the new owners he’d be out in 60 days. He is still there.
One of my best friends works with the new owner’s son-in-law. They apparently had a court date, to get a court order to remove him from the house on Monday. I told my riends I doubted he would show (having experienced way too many court dates with my ex..).
While I was at the dr on Monday having my bandage on my hand removed, my ex called my son. I assumed since son got that call that ex was not in court. But, as it turned out he was there, and calling my son from there. My son does not take his calls, lets them all go to voice mail. In this voice mail, he asked my son why doesn’t he try out for the professional soccer team that’s coming to Hartford.
My son was looking at me, like, “WHAT is the matter with him Mom?” I think he said that too. I mean, my son played soccer for a year when he quit hockey, for fun. When he was 17-18. He is now 23. Has not played in 5 years, and was never anything but a recreational soccer player.
Apparently my ex has not been able to give up the dream that our son would be a professional athlete. Geezus. Talk about delusional.
But what bothered me even more is that this was what he was thinking about at court, where he was about to get booted out of his home. I am pretty sure he has made no effort to find a place to live, that he’s done nothing to clean out the place, even though the buyers got a dumpster for him and offered to help him. He still has cars there, and all his stuff. And now he has 2 weeks, 14 days, to move out or the sherriff will come and remove him.
They buyers have said that once he goes my son and I can go and take anything that’s left in the house, but we have also heard that the town will come and clean the house out. Which seems ludicrous to me, that the town would spend money cleaning out the house, I hope that is not true. But I’ve emailed my attorney to find out the truth. I might call the police department too, and ask them.
Not that the point of this is what can I get from there. I want my father’s shotgun, it’s an antique, and it’s one of the few things I had from him. I had given it to my son, but it was left there when my son walked away from his father. My son wants his hockey stuff, jerseys, trophies, pictures, memorabilia, etc. There are things there of value, remnants of the time years ago we were making good money. I would hate to see them lost.
I can’t call my ex. I feel sure he wouldn’t even take my call, and that even if he did, he would never tell me the truth, but make up some delusional story that he is actually probably believing.
It is so sad. The whole thing is so sad. I am so glad that I got away, and my son and I are not part of this, that I was able to salvage what I could.
In the divorce, my ex got the house, the business, (which is in receivership, a solution to the foreclosure it was in), our boat, and as much money as I was given, if not more. And this is where he’s at, 4 years after the Supreme Court upheld the judge’s decision to not enforce the post nuptial agreement my ex forced on me in a grandiose effort at power and control all during our marriage. He had everything, and now is losing everything.
Most importantly, his mind, he has lost his mind. He went from an aggressive, smart man with every advantage to a total mess. I told him years ago, when he appealed the decision, that he would end up homeless if he stayed on this path. When I was married to him, I warned him he would die, old and sick and all alone because he pushed away everyone that loved him.
I’m a little sad for him this morning, I think I will do the Ho’oponopono for him today. It can’t hurt. It will help me to feel like I’m doing what I can energetically. I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you. Over and over.
It’s up to the universe now. He’s getting what he thought about, though he wanted it to happen to me, not him.
Just sad…..
Sadness rises
But is edged with grace.
The grace is edged with gratitude and joy.
Someday, at some point,
The sadness will fade away
leaving only grace, gratitude and joy
in its wake.
Lovely evening. Sitting outside on my deck with a glass of wine. I am dead tired tonight, I couldn’t get to sleep til about 3 am, despite having taken 2 Ambien. I shouldn’t have answered the phone but the voice mail was a little scary, so I did. As usual, the conversation went nowhere, I hope I don’t have to do it again. I can’t do this stuff anymore. Too f’n old for this drama.
I realize I’ve not written much else than my issues with S this week, and I actually have some other pressing kind of stuff, that I’d like to put a voice to.
First, I lost one of my best friends from childhood this week to cancer. She was the sweetest, most loving person ever. She couldn’t say a bad word about someone ever. Just warm, loving, always made you feel good about yourself. As children we lived about a block and a half apart, and used to walk to school together. You know how those friendships often go, you are friends as small children, but tend to grow apart. Suzi and I never grew apart. We remained really really close until I went to college, got involved with my ex husband, and did too much dope smoking. But over the years a few times Suzi reached out to me, like a warm embrace welcoming me back home. When my marriage was at it’s worst, and I had basically no friends left, because my ex didn’t like any of my friends, and it became easier to let them go than deal with him, she found me after a couple decades of silence. I just cried, I was so happy to have someone reach out to me with love. We kept in contact off and on, and then last summer reconnected in person when I went to my 45th high school reunion. Suzi was one of the organizers, generally the photographer. I saw her and noticed she was wearing a wig, and was quite thin. I mentioned it to the friends I was staying with, but they didn’t know anything.
Yesterday at lunch, her best friend, who was also a good friend of mine in school, messaged me to let me know. I sat in my car and cried. Still do, when I think of the world without her.
Then my mother….aye yi yi. She’s 94 and suffered a massive stroke which left her unable to communicate, and partially paralyzed. I thought she was doing pretty well when I was down there 3 weeks ago. She was walking well, talking better. Her health, outside of the effects of the stroke, is good. But apparently last week, while I was in the panic over S’s silence and disappearance, my mother decided to leave the assisted living place she’s been in. She got about a block away before they noticed it. She walks very very slowly, with a walker. They told my sis that she kept taking her pictures down and packing her suitcase.
We thought she must have a urinary infection, which causes confusion in the elderly. But regardless, she had to be moved to a higher care facility once she left the premises. Turns out she had no infection, but we assume was communicating in the only way she knew how that she was unhappy there. And I’m sure it’s because she was left alone all day, if you can imagine being alone all day, unable to communicate. But I wish she’d understood the consequences of her actions, because now she is in a memory care facility. Smaller, which is good. And it’s nice and clean, and my sister knew the place, and had been there, and liked it. But…the doors are locked. Mom can’t go outside. They told my sis, who is down there at the moment, that she walks around all day looking for an open door. She doesn’t like her room. And is now even more unhappy.
My sis can’t bring her home now, because for one thing my sis is at her VA home, not in FL. And her daughter is getting married in a few months, in VA. And, my sis has been that route. Mom requires help with everything….it’s a full time 24/7 job and almost did my sister and her marriage in to take care of Mom for 6 months.
But it’s breaking our hearts.
I wish I could just sell my house and move down there. If I could do that, I’d be able to help my sis take care of her, and we could bring her home. I’m going to finish getting the house ready and get it on the market in the fall. It probably won’t sell, that’s not a good time to sell a house up here, but I can try, and see what interest is generated. And then if I do by some miracle sell it, I will be able to help my sis and we can make Mom’s life at least pleasant for the time she has left.
I’m looking so forward to the three day weekend. Going to go to my boat slip tomorrow and collect some money for the rental of it. It always does me good to go there, by the ocean. I may spend the afternoon hanging out somewhere down there. Maybe I’ll run into some old boating friends. One of my best friends texted me late today and invited me to spend 4th of July with she and her husband on their boat. I was so happy and excited. I told her, I was feeling a little down because I didn’t have any plans for the weekednd, and now I have plans to do my favorite thing in the world, spend it on the water.
Guess the universe was conspiring in my behalf, lol.
So….lots of stuff going on, and when I sit here with a glass of wine, I think that a breakup should not be the thing on the top of my list to be focusing my attention on. I am praying for a peaceful night, a good night’s sleep, some time to regenerate some nerve cells, lol. I was on my last one tenth of a nerve and that got frayed pretty well last night. Now, at the end of the day, I may have a few more that are working again.
Well, time to go inside, the mosquitos are coming out and I guess they’re hungry, because they are eating me up, despite the mean old woman I am, lol.
Happy 4th of July, everyone!
White wine tonight, to cover up the nasty accusations.
So far from my heart.
Why couldn’t it be left the way it was?
And if you’re offering me diamonds and rust, says Joan Baez.
I’ve already paid.
I didn’t stay afloat. I crashed and burned. My “friend” with the serious health challenges set us up to fail. Maybe he wanted me out of his life so he could deal with it alone, and not have to have me worrying about him. (As if I wouldn’t worry anyway.) Maybe he just thought it was a joke, and didn’t realize how cruel he was being to me.
I spent the last 5 days worrying about his health issues. That’s all he would say. He didn’t want to talk about them with me until he had specifics. The reason that he told me that he had them at all was because I was trying to end it with him last week, and he used the symptoms to explain why he was treating me so badly. It worked, I didn’t end it. Instead, I did everything he asked me to do to help him keep his mind off of it, and to relax. Including leaving him alone today.
Even though, leaving him alone today, was torture, because I knew he had seen a dr yesterday, and that he should have had some answers, and that he told me if the dr. called last night he had to go right to the hospital. For some reason, he thought I wouldn’t care enough to be worried sick. But I kept my mouth shut, I didn’t let him know how worried I was, I just kept things light, and gave him whatever he asked for.
Then late today, I heard from him, and I was so relieved. I didn’t know if he’d gone to the hospital today, I didn’t know what shape he was in, I had no idea about anything. I wanted to dance when I got a text from him. He made me believe he was coming over tonight. I thought, finally, I might know something. Finally, I could hold him, feel him, have him with me so I knew he was safe even if it was just for one evening. I left work elated, imagining sitting on the deck talking.
But he didn’t come. I waited and waited. My stomach more in knots every second. Would he really do this to me? After making me wait all week, not sharing with me information that would allow me to at least know. I mean, I am pretty strong. I can deal with anything if I just know what I’m dealing with. Finally, when I’d been waiting 45 minutes I texted him, knowing the answer but wanting to hear it from him.
He wasn’t coming. He’d wanted to but he wasn’t. And he wouldn’t even tell me he wasn’t. He would have let me sit here all night wondering if he was in a car accident, or just playing a joke on me, or was trying to get rid of me.
I am gonna say….it was a passive aggressive move to get rid of me. He can’t deal with how much I care for him, he’s used to dealing with stuff alone, and not having to worry about someone else’s feelings. It’s about him, but I’m in it too, because I love him, because for whatever reason, he told me that he had some serious health issues. And he has no respect for that, no care or concern for me, or my feelings, which are all about him. Or, doesn’t want to have to respect, or feel care or concern for me.
Looking back through our communication, I thought it very telling that he said “I brought you in against my better judgment, because of your constant yammering. And now look, once again I am the bad guy for “hurting” you! WHAT ABOUT ME?” As I said, he brought me in to keep me from “dumping” him. But what I wonder is, how did I hurt him? By doing what he asked? By loving him unconditionally? What about him? He’s possibly sick, maybe very sick. But I did nothing to contribute to that. I did everything I could, everything I was asked to, to help him deal with it, which meant not asking, not being upset, leaving him alone. What about him??? I didn’t do anything to him. I never tried to make him believe something that wasn’t true, let alone refuse to apologize for it. What about him indeed.
Whatever. He’s used to being alone, not having anyone else who gives a real shit. And that includes the past women in his life, as far as I’m concerned. But at any rate….
We couldn’t get through it together. We couldn’t even talk on the phone. I wrote something, and sent it to him, trying to explain why I sat here crying for an hour or two. We just couldn’t do it together. We can’t do anything together.
I love him, but I have to walk away. The relationship had gone purely physical anyway, that’s why I was trying to end it last week. His words tonight were, that it was a good idea for me to be gone. That he loved fucking me, but hated my temper. That’s about as far from what I want as I can imagine.
So…we crashed and burned. I tried, I have no regrets. I hope he works through his health issues. I really do. It will be hard not knowing. But we agreed to leave each other alone and that’s for the best.
Gonna sell my house and start over in Florida. Better luck next time.
She loved him so much. Every day she would wait to hear the popping sound of her text alert, just to know he was thinking of her. When he called….he melted her heart. Not by what he said, but by the sound of his voice. Sometimes she’d play his voice mails just to hear him.
He seemed to like her, most of the time. Once in awhile he would say something that gave her hope. Hope that maybe he was losing his fear. Hope that maybe he was going to allow himself the luxury of loving someone. Once or twice he kissed her like he meant it. And stayed with it through the night. She was in ecstasy.
Then….the darkness came. He wanted her around….But he didn’t want to know her. He wanted her close by, but he needed to be taken care of, but not to take care of her. At all. In any way. She made up excuses. He’s in a bad place. His friend is sick. She did the best she could to bring him some happiness, even if it was only temporary. When she left she said, “I hope I helped your sadness.” He said, “I think you definitely did.” But her sadness lay hidden deep in her heart until she left, and drove down his road with tears running down her cheeks.
The next time….he called her and asked her if she still wanted to come. Of course she did. She wanted to be with him more than anything. She wanted his strong arms around her. She dreamed of another long passionate kiss. He sounded happy, he told her the door was unlocked to come on in if he wasn’t home, he had errands to run.
But then….he said he wanted to talk, and told her he was very annoyed with her……she tries to restrict him, he says. She is trying to tie him down and bind him up, he says. Why is she so jealous, he asks. Can he not look at other women? He doesn’t want to be in love, he doesn’t want a serious relationship, (after almost a year…..) He still loves his ex girlfriend, (who was brutal to him).
And in her heart she was asking, why does he want to look at other women? Why doesn’t he look at the one he has? She was done looking. She found exactly what she wanted. She thought.
It came to her….he’s just not that into her. He complains about her all the time now. He holds her at an arms length. Don’t get too close….. Once again…feeling rejected, feeling alone. No care, no concern. As if he wanted her to go. In the middle of the night, she lay next to him. Listening to him sleep, snore. She knew….the truth was smacking her in the face in the wee hours of the morning. She shook the bed with her sobs, trying to be soundless so she wouldn’t wake him. She wanted to disappear, to get dressed in the dark, and silence and get in her car and go home. But she knew she couldn’t do it with out waking him. In the morning, she sat down on the bed and looked at him. She said, “you were right last night. This isn’t going to work out for us.”
Terrified, she went on to say how miserable she was. How alone. How much she loved him and she knew he didn’t feel the same. And how she was tired of trying to make it happen, and tired of being ignored, and uncared for.
It spilled out of her, like someone had punched a hole in the dam. She believed his kiss those few weeks ago. She thought they were finally in a similar place. But now she knows they are not. That he is once again fearful and pushing her away. Breaking her heart again.
They talked around and around, nothing was accomplished. She packed her stuff and went home. She drove, numb. She didn’t cry. She didn’t think. She had had 2 cups of coffee. Nothing else. She’d been up most of the night. She didn’t stop for anything, she just sped home. Down I-95. Up Route 85 and Route2.
Her house was empty, gratefully. She unpacked her bag. Looking at the lingerie she’d bought for him. She put it away. Would she wear it again, she wondered abstractly. She didn’t look for an answer. She wasn’t thinking. She didn’t want to think. She didn’t want to give form to what was going on. She wanted it to go away. She wanted to be in his arms and be sure of how he felt. She wanted him to reach for her in the night. She wanted……
She wanted what wasn’t there. Broken heart, splattered across I-95 and Route 2. Pieces of it scattered on the beaches from Watch Hill to Matunuck. Dreams that need putting away. Tears that need drying. Hope that needs squelching.
But what of the love? In the end, it’s the only thing there is. And when all the rest is finished, the love will remain. Forever.
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