Category Archives: Dating

Singing the Song for 2017

Posted on by learning to live like water

It’s New Year’s Eve. Time to reflect, to look forward, to enjoy the moment.

Reflecting….. Last year was a year of huge change for me. Never before have I had so many big changes in my life. Losing my mother. Retiring from a lifetime of work. Moving to Florida, to a completely different way of life. Moving my son away from me to Colorado. Ending a love affair that stopped bringing me pleasure a long time ago, and only brought me pain. And even so, it was a struggle to let go. But let go I finally have, completely.

All these changes were good. Every one of them. Even though I miss my son so much. I know he’s doing well, and happy, and making his own way. Thank God for cell phones, we talk every day. There are new people in my life, new friends, the budding of new relationships that bring a smile to my face.

I don’t deal with winter any more. That is such a blessing to me. I so hated being cold from the middle of October until the middle of April. Dressing in 4 or 5 layers, and still being cold. I hated dealing with snow, and the last few years we had mega amounts of snow up there, with only a few exceptional years. I hated driving in it, keeping the driveway clear and the walk ways, and being housebound.

Now…..when it gets cold here, it’s in the 50’s. And so far, for not more than 2 days, til the temperature creeps back up to the 70’s or 80’s. I can walk every day along the beach. I can see the ocean every day. The water here on the Gulf coast is warm, and calm, and soothing. Usually I am dressed in one layer, and more often than not, it’s shorts, or skorts (the skirts with shorts under them).

To be able to spend time with my sister on a regular basis is such a blessing. We are becoming so close. It has eased the pain of losing our mother last year. We joke all the time about how we channel her for each other. She and I have not lived close to one another since we moved out of the house around age 20. I’m going back there today, invited to her neighbor’s New Year’s Eve party which promises to be a blast, and it’s right across the street!. No driving with the drunks….

The future is looking bright. There is a possibility of a budding relationship. It is moving slowly, at a speed which, while sometimes frustrating for me, is a good thing really. I’m sitting back and let the universe drive the train. It’s fun to feel that way again, and actually have it reciprocated.

Financially I feel secure. Avalon, my home, my place of new beginnings, is coming along. All the big work is now completed. There are some jobs like tree-trimming, putting up a shed, landscaping that need to be done, but they will be done over the next few months.

Mostly, I have given up worry over things I cannot control. I have come to believe that the Universe has a grand design, which we cannot possibly understand in human terms, and that all will work out for the highest good of all. It’s not so much Pollyanna, it’s just that I agree with Marianne Williamson that the universe is self-organizing and self-correcting. It has been the way it’s worked for me, over and over again. I know that many people won’t agree with me, in fact, maybe most. It’s just the way it is from the perspective of my life. Not asking anyone else to believe it.

This year, I think I will try to do more giving back. There are a few things I’ve discovered here which I can get involved with that might make a difference in someone else’s life. I mean, I have such a happy life here. So free of drama and pain, so full of joy. I want to spread that around as much as I can.

Life is for living, for singing a joyful song. I’ve always known that, even though I’ve had a hard time singing so often. Through an abusive marriage, a failed love affair, a long period of terrible financial insecurity, I still always believed I could one day sing the song again.

I’m singing it now. It’s in my head, lol, I still don’t sing in front of people. But those close to me can hear the song. I guess this is why I trust that the universe is on it, organizing and correcting for the higher benefit of all. Because it’s taken me from terrible darkness, to the sunlight of Florida.

Love and light, everyone. Have a Happy New Year!

Music and Friends (or why I was so tired last night, lol)

Posted on by learning to live like water

Open mic is such a cool thing in this little town. I was supposed to meet my friend Beth there. She said she was going early to practice a song with a couple of guitar players, but when I got there she wasn’t there yet. The friend I’d run into Wednesday was there, sitting with a few other friends, and he right away motioned for me to come over and sit with them, which I did.

I got into a conversation with a woman who I was only acquainted with before, when I asked how everyone’s week was. She was telling me if it could go wrong it did, lol. Then we got into a discussion about how Mercury turns retrograde Monday the 19th. And kind of wondering what effect that will have on the Electoral College vote that day. Mangia Gourmet Cafe is a rare place in FL where you will not find any Trump supporters, so it’s safe to talk openly about him, and not expect any arguments.

Beth showed up, and as is her way, she flits from table to table because she has known everyone for so long. She kind of settled across the table from me, next to our awesome transgender friend G. G is 69 years old, and trans-ing from male to female. She is so open, and funny and she sings beautifully. Next to G was a performer who comes up from Sarasota, about an hour away, on a regular basis. The table was rounded out with D, the wife of the shows MC, who is an actress, having taught acting her whole life, but is now retired. She and her husband are equity actors, meaning they get paid for their work, lol. However, she considers herself a sculptor. I have not seen her work. Such a lovely funny person.

We were talking about the music they were all playing, and I leaned into the table and said, “I am waiting for someone to get up and do some Van Morrison. I’ve never heard anyone sing him here.” B, the guy from Sarasota, nodded his head, and looked like he was thinking about what I’d said. Well, when it came to his turn to sing, he first did Harvest Moon (Neil Young), then maybe one of his own compositions. Most everyone was doing just 2 songs, but we kind of egged him on to do another. The MC told him to go ahead, and B said, “Ok, well I have a request…” and he pointed at me and began singing “Moondance.” So everyone at our table started clapping. Somehow he transitioned Moondance into California Dreaming and that into All Along the Watchtower absolutely seamlessly. It was so awesome! When he was done I gave him a big hug, thanking him for all of it, especially Moondance.

There are always makeshift bands that play together, to back someones music up. My friend Beth did her two songs, but then joined in a bunch of others. Everyone loves her to sing with them, because she knows all the music, and can sing harmonies without thinking about it, and puts on a fun show while she’s up there. The last song of the night was Minnie the Moocher, (old Cab Calloway). They had 6 or 7 performers up front, and Beth was singing the scat part of it, she is so good at that and loves to do it. Everyone laughing and clapping, everyone having a good time.

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“Minnie the Moocher” at Mangia Gourmet

At the end of the night, a few people were saying how Mangia is needing a bigger space. Because it does get really busy, people are out on the sidewalks.

God, what a fun night.

Tonight is my date. I got a text from him last night saying he hoped I enjoyed my open mic night, and that he was really looking forward to tonight. So am I!.

What a rough life, lol. I slept til 7:30 this morning, that is SOO late for me! But I’m glad, hopefully it will mean I won’t get tired so soon tonight.

Love and light everyone.

A Little This ‘n’ That

Posted on by learning to live like water

This morning is foggy here. First time I have seen fog, though I know it has settled over the bay at times, once enough to close the huge Sunshine Skyway bridge that goes across Tampa Bay. It’s quite warm for early in the morning, about 65 or so. Feels a bit like New England though, with the fog.

I had this peculiar conversation with a friend last night. It started out fine, but ended up with some kind of game going on that I just wouldn’t play. God, I hate games, at least in person-to-person conversations. Whatever, it was weird. I thought I was just being a friend to someone who wanted to talk. I keep thinking the friend had been drinking or something. IDK, but I hope I don’t hear from them again. Too much trouble, chaos. I don’t hear from them much, but this is a repetitive cycle with them, that I’m a little sick of.

I have been messaging with a couple of nice, kind, smart men, both of whom seem to enjoy carrying on a give and take conversation, unlike the date from hell I had last week.. One lives 25 miles from me (my favorite so far) and one lives about 5 miles from me. The one that is my favorite is very laid back. I need laid back. Both tried to reach me yesterday, and couldn’t. I was just busy with the cookies and the boat parade thing. But I’m going to call them both back today. I explained that I’m normally not this busy, and I’d really like to talk to them. Well, one of them I have been talking with. The other has messaged me a lot, and was gong to the gallery in St. Pete to see my jewelry.

I’m feeling good this morning, even though that weird conversation last night spun my head for a little while. Well, I took measures to keep it from happening again. I have a wonderful life here. People that are hell-bent for terror and chaos are not welcome in it.

Today I go for my therapeutic back massage, and then off to my sisters on the island for a little R & R and sister time. Kind of ridiculous to call it R & R time, that’s really all I have, lol. But just the same, it will be really nice to get over there again.

Love and light, everyone.

Done with the Dating Thing

Posted on by learning to live like water

The date today was the weirdest one yet. I just disabled my account, I am really sick of meeting weird boring men. Weird is ok, I guess, depends on what kind of weird. But this guy?

Invites me to Friendly’s. Not upscale, but fine for a meet and greet. He walked across the parking lot and when he was within earshot, says, “HEY, HOT STUFF…..” So, right there, I was about to get back in the car, and leave. I knew it was not going anywhere. But I was starving. So we went in.

As we are walking toward the front door, he says, “I just made it here on time! I didn’t even have a chance to put on underwear. Do you mind?” I said, well, “I’m not going looking for them, so it doesn’t really matter to me.” But really, wtf? Who says that to a woman he just met, and barely has talked to? Another reason I knew it was not gonna go well.

This man is skinny. I mean like SKINNY. I think the pics on his profile are at least 7 or 8 years old. He didn’t look that skinny, and he had more hair. He suggested Friendly’s because they have “salads and things I like.” I was hungry, I ordered a salad. He ordered a dish of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. And a glass of water. That’s it.

He gets the water, and he opens a package of sweet and low and pours it in the water, and mixes it up. At this point I am probably looking at him cross-eyed. Then he pointedly ate his cherry making a few inappropriate sounds….. UGH. ICK. Get me the fuck out of here.

His personality matched his behavior. Just weird, inappropriate, shallow, stupid…..

He asked if I wanted to see him again, I said, “let’s see.” The date was over in 35 minutes, he was anxious to go after I said that. But honest to God, what did he expect? Like he crawled out of some rock in the mountains, and didn’t know how to behave with human women.

I disabled my account. Enough is enough. If I put it back up, it will say I live in Florida, and maybe I can have a conversation with someone between now and when I move, and meet them when I move. Or maybe not. Maybe just wait til I move and meet people in person, and forget the internet. The most normal people I’ve met there were Scott, who is a liar and a cheat, and Addison, who is a wonderful guy but so needy, way way too needy for me. Oh and I met an artist I went out with briefly, I liked him but he turned out to be fairly crazy too.

I think I’ll just hang out with my girlfriends this summer, and my son. And say the St. Joseph prayer every day to get my house sold. I can start my packing, and my son’s. Leave these losers to their own devices.

Kinda glad it was over early though. Because now I’m in my “sacred space” on my deck with a glass of wine, and feeling all kinds of comfortable.

Love and light…..

Wednesday

Posted on by learning to live like water

God, I was so angry for a good part of the day over him showing her my writing.  Talk about a delayed reaction. I guess if I tried to react all at once from the BS that came from both sides of that equation all at once, I’d be pulling my hair out.   I wrote a scathing blog and saved it in draft.  Right now, I don’t think I’ll publish it, because…to what end?  They’re both low-life fuck-ups, and I just want them out of my life.  I vented it, it’s all I needed to do. I just wish stuff like this would stop popping up.  I will be so glad to be leaving these two in the cold and dark.

I don’t even know if they’re together.   Don’t care.  They are both blocked, on the phone, on email, on FB, and will remain that way.  I can’t stop him from leaving me a voice mail, but I don’t have to listen to it, or respond.  So far he hasn’t tried.

I’m meeting Alec for lunch tomorrow.  He is a retired CPA who ran his own practice with 25 employees and did a lot of forensic accounting for family court.  He called me tonight, to say hi, and to tell me he’d looked up my divorce records, he hoped I didn’t mind.  He said, “Boy you REALLY went through a lot.  You really did .”  I said, “yes, I always take the cake for the ugliest divorce among anyone I know who’s been through it.”  He hemmed and hawed a moment, and said, “Yeah, you’re probably right.”  He knows my atty, has worked with her a lot and likes her.

It did kind of creep me out that he looked it up.  I guess he found out I told him the truth.  I hadn’t expected to hear from him tonight.  But it was nice, to have someone just want to hear my voice.  And acknowledge what I went through.  I suppose, being the left-brained analytical type, that he wanted to see if I was just sour grapes or real.  He found out I was real.  He found out I can stand in my story.  He found out just how hard I got knocked down, and sees that I got back up.

And he doesn’t know about Scott, yet.  Not sure I’ll tell him.

I don’t feel a really close connection though. I’m so frigging right-brained.  I’m afraid he’s gonna be like Addison and fall crazy in love.  I hope not.  I just want a friend.  No romantic entanglements.

I took my son out to eat tonight.  Vietnamese.  He loves Pho, the soup.  It’s a really nice place, one of our favorites.  It was good to catch up with him.

I’m falling asleep.  I better wrap it up and go to bed.

Love and light.

Saturday Morning Musings

Posted on by learning to live like water

I answered the man who sent me the nice message yesterday.  It will be interesting to see where that goes, if anywhere.  I hope he’s not boring.  That is the kiss of death with me, lol.  I suppose people might think, don’t you want someone who’s boring, I mean, haven’t I had enough of men who aren’t?  Well, no, I believe for some reason that there are men who aren’t boring, who can love passionately too.  I have some hope, he paints, so the fact that he is creative usually speaks to whether or not he’s boring.  He seemed sincere anyway.

I was thinking yesterday about the last time I went to Florida, last June, to see my mother. I was so angry that S suddenly decided not to go with me, after finding cheap fares, and car rental, etc.  It was a no-brainer, to stay for free at my sister’s beautiful home 2 blocks from the ocean. We’d have had the place to ourselves, because my sister and brother-in-law weren’t there then.  Suddenly he had a huge change of heart, of course, because B was back in his life and he couldn’t be honest and tell me.  I was angry about it for half the summer.

Now, I’m SO GLAD that he didn’t.  Now I don’t have any memories of him there with me.  There is nothing that will be tainted with a memory of him.  Funny how the Universe works that way.  It was doing me a huge favor, which I couldn’t see til now.

I’m pretty excited to think about seeing a sunset over the Gulf on Wednesday evening.  Long term forecast is perfect for down there.

B is still showing up on my FB list of people available to chat.  Though it never shows her available.  I guess that we are friends energetically, lol.  I hope she’s well.  I hope she’s not been sucked in again by him.

Lots to do this weekend, so I guess I’d better get started, lol. Love and light, and laughter, everyone.

 

Dating, Continued

Posted on by learning to live like water

nice melons

Okay, the boring guy sent me an email.  He is up at 4 am so goes to bed about 8 or 8:30.  I just don’t think I can do it.  I have such a good life, why spend time with someone who is not in the place I am.  I love life. Not to say he doesn’t but he suffers from what many men this age do.  His world is very limited and he likes it that way.  His big deal is helping his 4th grade grandson with his homework.  Which is all good and admirable, it’s nice.  It’s just not where I am.  I’m too adventurous, too kinky (S’s word to describe me, I’m really not), but way too alternative, aggressive and energetic for him. I seriously think I would freak him out if he got to know me.  I don’t think I’ll answer his next call….I will just send him a message at some point that says I don’t feel a connection, etc.

Been there done that.  I dated a guy last October that seemed fine the first two dates, (a coffee date, and a lunch date) and then we went out to dinner and I couldn’t wait til it was over.  He spent at least an hour of dinner telling me who used to own all the property on the commercial strip the restaurant was on.  50 or 60 years ago.  Seriously, why in the world would I give a shit who owned it half a century ago.  Then when we left he went to put his leftovers in his car and left me to walk to my car alone.  He texted me a bunch the next day telling me what a great time he had.  I was like, What????  say Whattttt???  Thank you for the nice dinner, but I really don’t feel any connection here.

I guess I just have wasted so much time with the wrong men, I can’t stand wasting any more.  Like I said, I have a good life, if they can’t add to it, then c ya….

I haven’t heard from Carlo.  But then Carlo is I think a little odd….I hear from him, then I don’t, then I do.  Long periods in between.  I haven’t figured out what his story is, but actually, if I have to work at that, then c ya…..

I did hear from the 46 yr old, lol.  I told him I was moving and he said, let me know if you need a proper send off, lol.  I would surely go out with him if I was 20 years younger.  He made me laugh, he’s kinda sweet, and nice looking.  He said he’s dated women my age, to let him know if I change my mind.

Maybe I should.  Just for fun.  Probably not, I don’t think I’m that kinky.  LOL. I think all this is just the universe’s way of prepping me for Florida.  🙂

So, I’m home, in my fleece jammies, watching The Voice, with a glass of red wine and some dark chocolate. Not a bad way to end a Monday.  I gotta say work was so sucky today, all I did was put fires out all day, some caused by my boss….but you guys commenting on my last blog had me laughing so hard, I didn’t even notice how stressful it kind of got.

So thank you, lol.  You all saved me today!

 

Moving On

Posted on by learning to live like water

I woke with a sore throat and sneezing this morning, even though I slept 8 1/2 hrs.  I had a feeling that would happen, I was so run down from the weekend.  I wish I could have slept better when I was there, but it is what it is.  It doesn’t change the fact that it was a wonderful weekend.

I talked to a man I met online last night for the first time.  It was odd.  I have had these initial conversations many times.  I met S online, and A.  This conversation felt much more like an interview than getting to know someone.  Scratch him off of the list.  He said he felt I held back.  Which, lol, is the opposite of what most people say about me, when it comes to putting myself out there and saying what is on my mind.  At first S thought it was “refreshing” that I didn’t hold back and just said what was on my mind.  Then when he began withdrawing, it irritated him.  Whatever, I have always spoken my mind, though I try to be gentler about it than I used to be.  I think this man expects a lot of a first phone call!  People have to earn the right to hear my story now, I’m not going to tell my story to someone on a first phone call.  I was much more comfortable speaking to the man who wants to meet me later this week.  I’m supposed to be speaking with him again tonight, to make plans to meet we’ll see where that goes.

S was texting me over the weekend, of course. He has always tried to demand my attention when I’m with my family.  I even told him I have bad cell service there, and every time I’d get service my phone would alert, “I’d like to hear from you.”  “Are you there?”   And when he didn’t like what I had to say which was basically, “I dont know what is on your mind but there’s no way back for us, so why don’t you go bother your girlfriend”, he told me “F**k you” 4 times. I shouldn’t have responded at all. I finally blocked him again.  Then he leaves me a blocked voice mail yesterday, saying he just wants to talk, he doesn’t want to get back together. Why would I want to talk to someone who tells me fuck you, when he doesn’t get the reaction he’s looking for.  And why would I want to talk to him anyway?  He offers me nothing.  There is no joy anywhere around him.

I don’t know why he won’t leave me alone.  He’s got his silent woman.  I don’t want to hear about how he’s thinking of me, how he’s surprised how much he misses me, how I planted seeds of doubt in his mind.  Geezus.  Leave me alone.  For God’s sake, he made his choice, I wish he’d just live with it, and bother her.  Go tell her he’s got seeds of doubt planted, and that he misses me.  She obviously likes the mindfuck game and is willing to play it with him.  I’m not.  UGH.

I suppose some of it was my fault though.  I was reading Brene Brown’s book, Rising Strong, on the flight down to Virginia and she had this whole chapter on how most people are doing the best they can with the tools they have and their level of consciousness at the time.  I wrote a blog about it, but I also sent him a message while I was on that flight, saying “look, I get that you are doing the best you can, and so have I been.”  Because I just hate the ugliness.  But I didn’t mean I wanted to start up a conversation with him again.  So, I suppose I started it.  He never addressed what I said, just jumped right in with how he’s thinking about me, and how he’s surprised how much he misses me.  What is the point of that?   I told him he would miss me, I know it every day because I still feel him. I told him back when he did this, that for the rest of  his life he will hear the sound of my voice, the woman who loved him.  Who wouldn’t miss the unconditional love and acceptance?  Who wouldn’t miss being with someone who doesn’t require you to hide who you are?  But it’s done, he broke it way beyond repair, and I’m over it.

I have hesitated even writing about his contact, I don’t want to give it any energy, but it’s on my mind, how much he loves to fuck with my emotions, and I need to get the energy out of my head, on into the universe.

Onward. Alone, temporarily.