Category Archives: Dreams

How Do I Stop This?

Posted on by learning to live like water

Dreams-facts

I was perusing old posts yesterday, God knows why.  Just still trying to make sense of my life I guess.

I have written a couple of blogs about how when I dream about him, it’s so real, it’s like he was there.  I can feel him, smell him, taste him, hear him.  I’ve awakened from those thinking he was in the room with me.  They are so much more than a dream.

I found an old post, a poem I wrote on September 30, 5 days before he told me about her.  It was my first of those dreams, but was happy to have it, because I thought we were together.  He had planned to come to my house for the eclipse two days before, and then fell and hurt his back.  But we were texting and talking intimately, intimating plans to be together.  It was the first time in months I felt like he understood me, that he wanted me the way I wanted him.  That whole week.  Right up until the moment he blindsided me.

I remember the dream still, that I woke and thought I felt him in the bed with me.  I could feel the warmth of his body next to me, I turned over to find him, I thought I could hear him breathing, could smell the scent of him.  Of course, he wasn’t there, but I was happy that I dreamed it, because I wanted him to be there so badly, and thought that in a few days he would be.

Of course, a few days later is when he told me he was going to be with her that weekend.  Ripping my life apart.  Callously, carelessly, painfully, thoughtlessly.  Cruelly.  Just cruel.

So that’s three times he’s come to me in a dream, so vivid, so real.  These are the only 3 dreams I’ve ever had like this.

I need to cut that cord with him.  It’s a thick, hard, old, maybe ancient cord.  But I don’t want him visiting me any more in my dreams.  I know it’s not him, in his current state.  I know it’s his old soul, which is not letting go of me.

I don’t want to go to bed at night and wonder if he will find me again.  This is my work.

I Can’t Help But Wonder

Posted on by learning to live like water

ethereal cords

I’m home now, with 10 days off.   I wish I could have gone to Florida to see my family but Christmas is the wrong time to fly to Florida.  I’ll go in March for half the price.

I have no big plans for the time.  I think I’ll take my two screen doors and have them re-screened.  Maybe clean up my spare bedroom that I use for storage mainly.  I have to get this house ready to sell in the spring but it at times is just an overwhelming job.  I guess because I’m by myself.

It’s good to have some real downtime, after the chaos of the last couple months.  Emotionally, I want to settle down.  I want off the roller coaster.  Most of the time I think I’m off of it, but sometimes a random thought will send me off. Or a random dream, lol. I don’t want to think about it anymore, I want to move forward.

I haven’t made jewelry in months, and it’s something I love doing.  So, maybe I’ll do some of that.  I’ve been putting all my passion into writing.  It’s really been the way I’ve worked through all the pain that was handed me because I fell in love with a man who is incapable of loving anyone, especially himself.  It made me question myself, to distrust myself.  Made me afraid to put myself out there, because I found myself loving him against the warning signs, despite his own warnings, despite the shoddy way he treated me.

Who was I?  Why did I allow that?

If you believe in past lives, there is a school of thought that we plan out our lives before we are born to experience and learn lessons for the evolution of our souls.  There is a story I heard somewhere, where one soul wanted to reincarnate on the dark side, to learn a lesson only that life could teach him. And he asked his soulmate….not to leave him behind.  To remember who he was, and bring him back from the dark.  In Many Lives, Many Masters, by Dr. Brian Weiss, he talks about groups of people who agree to reincarnate together.  This is for the purpose of helping each other with these lessons, or to work out karmic differences.  His research, and his books, are very convincing.

If you follow this blog, you may know that I have always felt a strong energetic connection to Scott.  I have always seen his soul, and not his personna as a human.  It got me in a lot of trouble!  I was constantly discounting what he did and said and how he treated me, because I felt this connection, that spanned far more than the physical distance between us.  I have always felt I knew him, even before we met.  When we met, on a dating site, he was undergoing chemo.  Instead of saying wow, I’m sorry and going on to the next one, we began to message as friends.  I just felt he was alone, that he had no one.  I had no way of knowing that, how would I?  But it was true.  We just messaged for 2 or 3 months.

I guess this is what made it so hard for me to completely let go, because I still feel like we have history, that doesn’t span much time in this lifetime, but actually spans lifetimes.  I feel like there’s communication going on that I can’t comprehend in human terms, but that brought him into my dreams so vividly that I could smell and hear and feel and taste him.

Scott always claimed to love the darkness.  I loved the light.  We had long discussions about this.  I always told  him….that  a single candle obliterates the darkness.  That the darkness doesn’t rush into the light bulb and make it dark.  Yet, he loves the long days, he pulls all his window shades wide open in the day time to let the light in his house.  I felt he loved the darkness because it allowed him to hide, in this lifetime, in human terms.  But the evidence was there that he loved the light, in his soul.

Yet, when I look at this lifetime, I have to be done with him.  There was no joy in loving him, in the end.  I can love him unconditionally, and only hope that he finds his way.  I can’t bring him out of the darkness that he is comfortable in, it’s a journey he has to undertake by himself, for himself.  Maybe all that has happened in the last few months will redirect him.  I really hope that’s the case.

Still, I feel him, even though I’ve tried cutting the energetic cords.  I know that if cord cutting doesn’t work, it’s said that you aren’t ready to give them up.  I feel like I cut them, it works for awhile, a few days, a week, and then those energetic cords somehow come in and wrap around me, so that suddenly out of the blue, I know that he is stressed, or unhappy, or angry.  It is usually negative emotions I feel from him.  I don’t ever feel that he’s happy.  And then things like the dream…blindsided me.  I was happy, he was not on my mind, I wasn’t feeling anything about him, at all…and he comes into my dream so vividly that I could hear and feel him, and makes me cry.  I could smell him when I woke up, he’d been holding me while I sobbed into  his chest.

I am going to go to the psychic again, and try to get a handle on how to deal with this.  I guess it was healthy that I made it known he isn’t welcome in my dreams, or anywhere.  And that the sadness didn’t carry into my life.  I was only angry that he found a way into my dreams.  But he didn’t make me sad again.  That’s real progress for me.

Just sometimes, I feel like I’d like to stay in touch, in case my soul promised his that I wouldn’t leave him behind, on a level I can’t even understand.  It also would explain a lot about why on a whole different level he couldn’t let go.  In human terms, he loved the adoration from a purely narcissistic view.  But on another level altogether, he was holding on for a completely different reason.

I think I sound a little crazy.  But I think I’ve managed to work out here why I occasionally have to go back and try to figure out what was going on.

I once asked him if he thought we knew each other in a past life.  He said, “Well we won’t know til we leave this life, so why spend time wondering about it?”

But I can’t help it….

 

 

Even in My Sleep, Again. Sigh.

Posted on by learning to live like water

Last night was a kind of tough night.  I’m trying to get off of the Ambien to sleep.  I’m not a good sleeper.  I started taking it when I had carpal tunnel last summer because it allowed me to sleep through some of the pain that condition caused at night.  Then that was immediately followed by the break-up with Scott…and I’ve been taking it ever since.  It seems that no matter how tired I am when I go to bed, the minute the light goes off my brain goes into a busy conversation about everything.  Ambien gives me about 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep, which was such a blessing.  But I know it’s not good to be dependent on it, so I’ve been trying to wean myself.

Last night I didn’t take one. I’d been falling asleep on the couch and I felt like there was nothing going on that would keep me up.  But as usual, I had a hard time getting to sleep, but finally did.  Then I woke up every two hours, did a lot of tossing and turning.

And dreaming.  I normally don’t remember my dreams, but of course….this one woke me up.  I dreamed of him again.  He came here, I could hear the slider to my deck open, and at that point I thought I really heard it.  Then he came up to my room, began snuggling, and then asked me again if I would see him while he was with her (I am pretty sure they aren’t together actually, and won’t be). That part was so real, again, like the last time I dreamed of him.  I felt like he was there.  It feels like a visitation of his spirit or soul, not a dream.  But then some weird, real dream stuff.  It was day, and my cat kept getting outside and chased by male cats.  Scott was severely allergic to my cat. But I had to deal with getting the cat back in.   Then we were sitting outside, in a place I don’t recognize, and we were talking, but I was saying no, I can’t do what you want.  He stood up to go, and I buried my head in his chest crying, and he held me.

That’s what woke me up.  (When he came to see me after he first told me about her, he just watched me writhe in pain, and didn’t make a move to even ease the pain he had caused.)  I haven’t cried over him in weeks, maybe two months.  And I’m not sad about it, now that I’m awake. Nor do I have any illusions about who he is or want him in my life.  But I guess that the dream is some indication that I still have some pain buried from the whole thing which I’ll have to deal with.

I still feel like I have a happy life.  He can’t take that away from me.  I’m tired this morning, but I’m ok.  I just wish he’d stop coming to me in my sleep.  It’s only been twice, but it’s two times too many.   The first time I still feel was more than a dream.  When I woke that time I could still feel and taste smell him in my room.  This time wasn’t quite that bad, but more than I want.

It’s a process.  I wonder when I’ll get to the bottom layer of the pain and hurt, and finally be completely free of him.

In the meantime, I will be grateful for all that I have, and that I have a wonderful life of my own.  That will be my focus, as I continue to work him out of my psyche.

 

Just Some Observations

Posted on by learning to live like water

 I wrote a blog about S and I, about how we would get together after work. But I’ve deleted it, just now. Decided it was too personal. 

I went to bed last night, and just thought about how it was, and how he could be that way with me, and then leave and go to her bed the next day…and never tell either of us.  What kind of mentality allows someone to do that?

How could it not be special?  He said, after I found out, “My relationship with you is nothing like my relationship with her.”  How could he separate his emotions like that? How could he be two different people? How could he not feel extreme guilt when he was with either of us?

Well, we always pay.  What we bury, or ignore, or deny, our bodies deal with.  No wonder his diabetes is back.  No wonder he had those terrible headaches last summer.  Maybe the headaches were a lie too, just an excuse he made up so I wouldn’t press him to see him on Saturday night.  Nothing is for sure anymore.

I told him, back when I would talk to him, to see his pulmonologist.  I didn’t think the health issue I was feeling was his diabetes.  I thought it had to do with his breathing.  Probably because when I’ve done reiki on him, his heart and throat chakras were so blocked.

It’s all just an observation now.  I look at what happened without emotion now.  It’s not really even a pleasant memory anymore, just a memory, like a dream that suddenly goes bad.

You wake up, and say, it was just a dream.  An hour later, you’ve forgotten it.

I’ll find someone else to sit on the deck with me and stargaze.  I’m letting go, with every word I write.  7 weeks out, I think I’m doing pretty well.

Even In My Sleep

Posted on by learning to live like water

It was a rough night last night.  Maybe because I opened up to A about my struggle to reclaim myself..  Maybe because I got hit by one of those rogue waves on the way home from work.  But last night I wrote the next two paragraphs in the middle of the night.

He came to me in a dream. We were together the way we used to be. For awhile, sweet, loving.  And then he began to tell me about being with her, and taking care of something for her. I got so angry. He wanted to know why I was ruining our good time being jealous of her.  I told him to leave. It was exactly the way he would act, the words were exactly what he would say about it. Cut my heart open and ask why I would bleed. 

I woke up wracked in pain, sobbing shaking. I could still feel him, smell him, taste him. I’m afraid to go back to sleep. Afraid he will come again and torture me. Can’t he just leave me alone?

Even in my sleep.  It was such a vivid dream, almost like a visitation.  I suppose there was a reason.  Maybe the purpose is to make me more fully accept that he chose her.  I am apparently still struggling with that, I think it’s mostly because of the way he just turned on me that day.  Suddenly I went from the one he wanted to be with, to a pariah, that he just wanted to quickly get me out of his life to make room for her.

He has since said, no, he wanted to keep me in his life, but under conditions he knows I could never accept.  And there is no trust now, I will never trust him again.

I felt like it was an energetic connection, manifesting.  I rarely remember my dreams, let alone feel so much from them.  Maybe because I’ve cut off all forms of communication to him, this is how his soul will communicate with me.  It’s exactly what he continued to try to convince me to do. To be with him, while he’s still with her. 

I’m considering going to the psychic, to try to understand what holds me back. What it is that keeps me connected.  It doesn’t feel normal.  It’s not like any connection, anything at all, that I’ve ever experienced before. Maybe I’ll talk to my friend Linda, who plays the gongs, but also does many types of energy work, including hypnotherapy.
My dear friend A….is another issue.  And I think talking to him last night didn’t help this struggle any, but I needed him to try to understand, which he doesn’t.  He wants to change my mind. He wants me to rest in his love, and forget about it.  I’ve done that before, but it can’t last, because I need to deal with the reason I chose to be with S, against all reason.  Why did I stay when I knew he would hurt me.  When he TOLD me he  would hurt me. Why did I choose not to believe him.  I tell everyone else, when someone tells you who they are, believe them the first time. But I ignored that sage advice.

I need to know why.  I need to learn how to do it.  I need to understand.  And I need to find a way to stop loving the man.  And stop missing him.  And to stop seeing him as that little boy who just wanted to be loved, but as an adult couldn’t trust it when he got it, and instead fought it, fought not to have it, and found someone who can’t and wont give it to him, and he won’t give it to her.

Until I get this, I won’t be available for any relationship.

And A….is 2000 miles away.  I don’t think I even want to be in a committed loving relationship over a long distance.  I love him, he’s like a best friend, but intimacy requires more than that. If I’m going to be intimate, I want the intensity I felt with S.  I don’t want a relationship where I only see him for a short time with months in between.  I don’t want to live in the desert.  But I also don’t want to be with out the love and kindness of the man.  I’m afraid he will just get sick of my inability to deal with what happened with S and give up on me.

So,rough night.  not much sleep.  Still feel like crying this morning.  I want my life back.  I want to be free of all this emotional encumbrance.  I think it’s too big for me alone.  Today, I may start to seek some help with it.

A Small Glimpse

Posted on by learning to live like water

The heat from the sun transported me today,

From my deck outside to somewhere past

the tiniest of stars that might be visible in the evening,

as I listened to the quiet soothing music

of waves curling and exploding and receding along the shore

in some eternal, inexplicable rhythm,

in some remote, exotic place.

The sky became purple,

with glittering golden clouds,

flashing brilliant colors

not known to my small human psyche.

As I fell asleep, content,

knowing that somewhere in the universe,

This exists.

Now, the summer wind cools my flesh,

And my heart

To a peaceful reality of this time and place.

I smile at the universe who has carefully

given me everything I need,

and the smallest of glimpses into eternity.