Category Archives: love

So Hard and So Easy

Posted on by learning to live like water

S has been sick for the last few days, for the last couple months to be truthful.   It’s undiagnosed, at this point he’s waiting for results of a ton of bloodwork.  It’s gotten much worse in the past week.

I think that it has been the cause of his treating me unkindly, on and off.  It is wearing on him, and at times he lashes out at me, and then, realizes he did and makes an effort to bring me back.  It seems to be his natural tendency, to push, then pull, and not feeling well has ingrained it moreso.

Why do I keep letting him reach me and pull me back?  It’s a valid question, when he’s said he still loves his ex, or that he wants to be free to date other women, when he states unequivocally that he does not want to make me part of his whole life, or that he doesn’t want to love or have a relationship.  So why am I even talking to him?

First of all, none of that changes how I feel about  him.  It changes the way I react to him, I have not seen him in weeks.  I won’t get involved in anything more than communication if those things are how he feels, but I have been there for him, or tried to be.  Right now, I have put all those questions on the back burner, because he’s so sick, and I just want to talk about whatever will take his mind off of it while the medical community tries to pinpoint the cause of it

Our relationship has been different since the very beginning.  I have felt like I knew him before, in another life maybe, or that our souls knew each other and agreed to find each other at the end of this incarnation, to help us both remember who we really are in our essence.  Perhaps before we came to this life, he chose the dark life he has had for some particular lesson his soul would learn, or for karmic balance, and asked me not to forget him, to not leave him in that dark place.  I have heard past life stories that support that kind of thought.  But I have no way of knowing, until I have left this life  I only know that when he gets angry, or I do, we  split, then we cool down, and we always reach for each other again.  For more than a year we have done this.

I’ve dated enough men to know this is not a normal connection, that there is something running deeper that neither of us quite understand.  He has said to me, since the beginning, when we were just starting to see each other, that he can feel me, if something happened to me he would know.  I also feel like I know what he is feeling, all the time, even if I haven’t talked to him in days.

So, I am just going with the flow, with him.  Right now, I just want to be there for him through whatever this is that is making him so ill.  Unquestionably I love him, I feel like I loved him before I met him, like it has always been a state of my heart, that came to the surface when we met.  The day we met it was instantaneous, I knew I wanted to be with him,  He liked me ok, it was not as evident for him, but I think it was there, because it is usually he that makes the effort when we push apart to pull us back together.  There is something there,

I would like to get past all the fear of being hurt, fear of loving, fear of trusting another person with him.  We get so close it becomes scary, then we get too far apart and we are both empty.  Maybe.  Maybe I’m speaking for him and shouldn’t be, since his story is his to tell.  Just my perception.

I’d like to see him this weekend, if just to reassure myself that he’s ok.  But I need to clarify the things he said about wanting to be free to date others, because I can’t go to him, if that’s how he feels.  My human heart could not stand that.

It’s hard and it’s so easy..  Trying to find our way.

Comes a time

Posted on by learning to live like water

I don’t know why we can’t keep things on an even keel.  Yesterday, driving to work, I realized, I don’t want to take the place of his ex.  I want my own new, and unique place in his heart.  I don’t want the feeling he has for her, I want my own account full of his love and passion.

When you love someone, do you ever really stop?  Do you have to “get over” them?  Or do you just have to forgive, do you just have to accept that the past will always be what it is, and move on?  I love my exes.  Not the way I once loved them, because time and events temper that, but I could never say I didn’t love them.  Even at the height of my contentious divorce, I wished no ill will on my ex, I wished he’d find a way to be happy.  I remember thinking, when things were ugly, why is he doing this to me?  I love him.  Then at some point, I realized the dark and ugly place he was living in, in his own mind, devoid of any human love or caring.  My heart aches for that and still does.

My heart aches for the pain S has endured with his ex.  I don’t know, and don’t really want to know, the whole story.  I know he loved her and something went wrong.  Now is the time for forgiveness, for her part in the pain, for his own.  And then to move on.  He never has to stop loving her, she earned her place in his heart.

Now there is another woman, who wants to walk out of that darkness with him, and find reasons for living, loving, gratitude and allowing grace to fill both our lives.  I hope I am given my own special place in that heart of his, that he opens it to a possibility at least.

We are given an endless capacity to love, which become greater as we give the love away.  There’s a Neil Young song, Come A Time, where he says, “We were right, we were giving, that’s how we kept what we gave away.”  Ah, yes Neil, that’s how you keep it and get more.  One of my favorite Neil Young songs.

I know loving is scary.  But honestly, isn’t NOT loving, ever again in your life, scarier?  Never feeling that warmth, compassion, that joy, that contentment, that pleasure, that comes with loving, isn’t it scarier to think of living without that?  Life is for living.  Life with love is like dying before you take your last breath.

Attracting Grace

Posted on by learning to live like water

A new day, a new week.  I have been talking, well texting, with S all weekend.  I hope we got somewhere, I can’t be sure.  I just hope he understands where I’m at with our relationship.  It seemed last night perhaps he did, but I can’t be sure.  Time will tell I guess.  I am the same as always with  him, I love him, but can’t continue to be second in his heart to his ex girlfriend, nor will I stand by while he checks out the rest of the female population.  As I said before, I will love him from a safe distance, until either my feelings for him fade, or his feelings for her and desire to be free to date other women fade.  I’ll keep my heart safe that way.

My son has told me this weekend that when I move to Florida he is going to move to Colorado.  A lot of his friends are moving that way, and he has two of his best friends who want to join him.  The company he works for would likely be able to arrange a transfer, and he will be saving all year to have a financial cushion.  I’m happy that he’s making plans, and being pragmatic about it.  I will miss him so much, but honestly…he had planned to stay here as it was.  so CT or CO, both a long distance from Florida.  And I know he will come see me.  He’ll be by a major airport, so it won’t be difficult.  Apparently a lot of young people are heading that way.  Some because pot is legal, but my son is not a smoker, toker, whatever,  Some because there is so much to do, outdoor activities, and that’s more like him.  He’s always been athletic, and loves to be active.  He’ll have roommates, and he’ll be 24.  Perfect time for him to branch out on his own.

He and I went out to dinner last night, which we rarely do.  We hardly see each other, he either works late and gets home when I’m in bed, or if he doesn’t work late he is off with his friends.

It was a good weekend, even though the Beach Whores had to call off our beach day.  I got a lot done, and yesterday rested my arm that has carpal tunnel all day.  Last night was the first night in weeks that I slept well, without pain.

I’ve been doing the Deepak Chopra (in conjunction with Oprah) 21 day meditation, “Attracting Grace Through Gratitude”.  It’s in the 3rd week now, he is such a wonderful teacher.  I have done many of these 21 days meditations.  His voice is so soothing.

I hope I am attracting grace.  I feel like there was some grace in my ongoing conversation with S over the weekend, and with my son.  Two people who are very important in my life.  And I am grateful, for all the blessings I have.  I’m not feeling angst at the moment, and both of those situations, S and my son, could and have brought it to me before.  So, I guess that there is some grace in that.

Taking Stock

Posted on by learning to live like water

I guess I am taking stock of where I am.  How am I doing, really, after the nasty break up?  And not talking to S all week.

I have to say, I’m ok.  I find myself a little pissed off at him from time to time, but then, it’s really at myself. Not like anyone couldn’t have seen it coming.  I loved him, enough that I put blinders on to the red flags.  I am beginning to get used to the texts not being from him, when my alert goes off.  And it doesn’t bring a pang of sadness either.  I don’t know why, but I am sitting on my deck, it’s evening, and for some reason I keep feeling like he’s going to be walking up the steps any minute, but I know damned well he is not, and I don’t want him to.  Just a feeling.  Maybe he’s thinking about me, or something.  Maybe I’m making it up, lol.  Just that we had that kind of connection, and just because part of it is over, doesn’t mean the connection is broken.  It would be easier if it was.  And maybe it is, it just needs time to deactivate.

I have been so angry at him, for being so ugly, and for the way he sucked me back in, only to hurt me.  Why apologize to me, and say you will never do those things again, when that is so far from your intention. The last day I saw him, we lay in bed and fell asleep.  He had a hold of my hand, and every time I tried to move it, he grasped it tighter.  Why?  Just because he could?  And because he could make me think there was something there?

There wasn’t.  Not anything.  Yet I believed over and over again that there was.  Because I wanted to.  Because what was an illusion was what I dreamed of.  He knew, and he played me, to get what he wanted.  Then he unplayed me, again, to get what he wanted.  And me, the willing participant.

Sigh.  I am not really hurting, just reviewing my part in this.  How I allowed myself to be used, and thus abused. How can I blame him, he loves the dark side.  It is exactly what someone who craves that would do.  Powerful ego.  Drives him to prove to himself he can do it, I guess.  Wow.  Cool.  Ugly.

I don’t regret that I loved him.  It’s never a bad thing to put love out into the world.  And he needs love probably more than anyone I ever met.  I love being in love.  I just hope next time, that it’s real, that the object of my affection feels somewhat the same, and has no desire to manipulate me to make himself feel good.  I hope I see the signs and believe them, and am a little more pragmatic.

I’ve been talking to A quite a bit since he kind of came apart on me the other night.  But we are more close friends, even though he occasionally says he wishes I were there with him, or he here with me.  He’s just lonely, it’s been just he and his son for 3 months now, except for short stays with friends or relatives.  And A likes the company of a woman.  It’s nice to have a male friend who tries to make me feel good about myself.

So, how am I doing?  I’m fine.  It’s requiring a little more introspection than I thought it would.  I mean, I was trying to end that relationship for weeks, and he kept drawing me back in with his illness, with his apology.  Just so he wouldn’t have to feel like I dumped him.  Why go there?  I kept telling him we wanted different things.  He kept saying I had no idea what he wanted.  Well, I do.  I did then, and I do now.  He wants to grieve his angel of darkness for the rest of his days, and see how many women he can bed while he does it.  More power to him.  I will not be among the many.

Ripples

Posted on by learning to live like water

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dsrUxhaaWks

I am a fan of Oprah’s show SuperSoulSunday.  She has had a lot of incredible teachers on this show, and I’ve learned so much from them.  This morning she had a re-run of the interview with John Mackey, the founder of Whole Foods.  At the end of the show she did “Soul to Soul” with him where she asked him a set of questions she asks all her guests.

One of the questions is “What is the lesson that has taken you the longest to learn?”  He said,and I am paraphrasing, “The lesson I continue to learn, over and over, is that we have a wake.  Our actions ripple out in ways that affect people and our world in ways we will never know, can never imagine.  So I keep learning that I have to be kind, that I have a responsibility to make sure that what ripples out from me helps people, is positive, and doesn’t hurt anyone.”

All I could think is, wow, so true.  Everything we do ripples out.  Sometimes we see the results, or some of the results.  Sometimes we have no idea.

I remember when I was introduced to “cord cutting”.  It’s a thing you can do, a kind of ceremony, calling in your guides, archangels etc., and cut the energetic cords which connect you to someone.  It is done with love, never hate. Never ill feeling.  I did it to help free myself from my ex.  I went to a group meditation, and imagined cutting the energetic cords which bound us and came from that long dysfunctional relationship.  I imagined the two of us flying around saying “Good bye, maybe I’ll see you, maybe I won’t.  Have a good life…” And I felt freer from that negativity than I ever had when the meditation was over.  Which I thought was the end result.

But a few days later, my ex showed up at the front door of the condo I was renting.  I wasn’t home but my son was.  He got out of his car, and his father said to him. “I apologize for everything I ever did to you…..”  For a few short months it lasted, they had a relationship, until his father slipped back into  his old ways, and began to play with his son’s life and emotions again.

I will always believe that it was a ripple out of the cord cutting I did with  him.  At the time I said to someone, telling the story…”You throw a stone in the water, you never know what will ripple up on the shore.”  I like the idea of us leaving a wake behind us…..same idea, but it seems a more powerful representation.

And I love the idea, the truth, that we have a responsibility to not hurt others, to make sure that what washes up on the shores of the rest of humanity lifts them and shines light on them.

Trying

Posted on by learning to live like water

  

 

I am still trying to “let it be.”  It is hard. I realize that I am seeking almost constant reassurance.  I guess it’s just scary for me. Probably just as scary for him.  I find myself reaching for him and most of the time pulling back, knowing that often reaching across the distance makes it a wider gap between.  Sometimes it slips past me anyway. 

I guess I should listen to Yoda. 

Just Be

Posted on by learning to live like water

I spent yesterday morning on the edge of tears. Whenever I was alone, I just faced and tried to weigh my emotions for this man, against the reality of our relationship.  All it did was bring me to tears.  About lunchtime I realized I had to stop thinking about it, it was making me crazy.  I went to lunch, read the book he had given me, then did a quick 10 minute meditation in my car, at the edge of the cove where I spend most of my lunch hours.

When I was driving back to work, I thought, “Do I have to decide right now?  Today? Tomorrow?  This week?”  S is happy with things as they are, I know he is not pressing me to decide what I want.  What I decided to do was to let all the questions go for the moment.  Put aside all the differences, to deal with later.  I want to just BE with him, and enjoy each others company the way we used to.  I am so tired of unfulfilled wanting, I just want to stop.  Just be.  Not to want more than is there.

Let me have some of that God, of just being with him.  Let me just surrender all the desire and unfulfilled wanting I have in this relationship, and let it flow, like water.  Let happen what’s going to happen.  Let me feel gratitude just because he is next to me without wanting more.

In the middle of our serious talk, he made me laugh so hard I couldn’t talk.  That has to be worth something, doesn’t i?  To both of us?

Gaining Understanding

Posted on by learning to live like water

I went to a gong bath tonight. In case you don’t know what that is, it’s a meditation, which lasts about an hour, which takes place with the vibrations of primarily 8 gongs, with some crystal bowls, drums, bells, and other vibrational equipment. The gongs range in size from about 18” in diameter to maybe 44”. Gongs vibrate at the same rate as the human body, so the sound does not go around you, it goes through you. When they play them loud it’s incredibly loud, and is a perfect time to let go of anything that no longer serves you.

The meditative state I am able to achieve during the gongs is extremely deep. Usually. Generally speaking, the louder the gongs, the deeper I go. That’s because when they are loud, you cannot hold a thought, it’s just not possible.

Tonight, I had no intention when I went to the gong. I know I’ve been through a lot of emotional stuff in the last couple of weeks. Ending it with S, issues with my sister and my mother. Also watching my ex self-destruct, even from a distance, is not pleasant.  While I had no set intention, I knew the gongs would take me where I needed to go.

Tonight, I was in a place where S was, energetically. We were not together, or apart, just both there. He was looking at me. I used to say to him that I could “see” him. I could see his center, I could see his soul, his essence. I don’t think he understood. Tonight, he was, in this deep meditative state I was in, looking at me, I think, trying to see me. He could not. He just looked at me with this questioning look on his face. Of course, in time and space I have no idea how long that was for. In that place it seemed like a very long time. He was trying….but he couldn’t.

I believe for a person to see anyone else, they first have to see themselves, they first have to know that their center comes from love, that love, unconditional love, is the beginning and end of every soul. It is there before you have a body, it is to what we return when our bodies give out. I am sure S could not see that in himself, so he couldn’t see it in anyone else.

I had no regret, no sadness, just understanding. I believe that’s why he kept thinking he needed to be alone for awhile, and discover who he was. And that’s also why I supported his doing that. But every time I supported it and encouraged it and said, “just check in with me from time to time, maybe, let me know how you’re doing” he would want to be with me, for a short time. I can’t do the short time. I can’t do the physical without the emotional. I can’t. But I do hope he undertakes this journey on his own, with out the safety net of my bed to fall into his old ways.

If he ever is able to see himself and love himself, so that he can see others the way I could see him, I’d love to hear about it.

A on the other hand, sees himself, and others, and never has a bad word to say, is happy in his life. And is eager to share love. I don’t think anyone can help but love him, he attracts it, as he gives it. S once said to me, “but you don’t love him.” He’s right, I don’t love him in the way that I loved S, in the way I want to love a partner. But I love him.

I saw him briefly during the meditation too. He just made me smile.

My friend who went with me tonight was having problems with her daughter today. I think most of the problems are because she, my friend, cannot let go of her kids, and they are adults now. On the way there I just wanted to tell her “You are too much in their business.” She knows, studied Byron Katie for a long time, and knows what I mean. There are three types of business according to Katie….mine yours and Gods. We only belong in our own. But I didn’t say anything before hand because I wanted to help her, not accuse her of something.

After the bath, on the way home, I told her that sometimes people have to back up, to get some perspective in order to see each other as a whole person. And maybe that’s what her daughter was doing now. I told her what she needs to do for her daughter is just be there, just love her, unconditionally. If her daughter gets mad, or upset, to just say, “Honey, I don’t want to fight with you. I just love you….can I just have a hug?” I told her that her daughter needs to know she will still be standing there no matter what they dish out to her. Because eventually, they will see it, and love her back.

Love attracts love. Anger attracts anger. Hate attracts hate. But love is the strongest….there is nothing stronger than unconditional love.

It was such a good meditation tonight.

Some Idle Thoughts on a Summer’s Evening.

Posted on by learning to live like water

Feeling “mellow” tonight.  I am feeling free of S.  I  have no emotion at all, no anger, no pain, but no romantic love, no longing either.  I wish him well…I just wish him to leave me alone.  It got worse before it was done completely, which is not what I wanted, but it wasn’t my choice.  The unconditional love remains, that love which I try to have for everyone.  But as for sharing a life, having a relationship, that’s done.  I realize because of the “Lucky 7” things, I had hoped for more than was ever possible.  I accept reality, and realize we are way more different than similar.  It was never going to go anywhere, and was bound to end as it did.

I think he “unfollowed” me today, or someone did, anyway, because i lost a follower.  i assume it was him.  And that’s a good thing.  I hope he loses the address for this blog too.  I dislike constantly worrying if what I write is going to be taken wrong, and piss him off.  I wasn’t willing to give up the right to write what I felt to keep him happy.  I don’t think I could have kept him happy anyway, no matter what I wrote or didn’t write.

I heard from A tonight.  He’s leaving Seattle where he’s been staying at his brother’s lake home for  a few days, and heading for the Cascades and Canadian Rockies.  We talked on Facetime, it’s kind of cool to be talking face to face.  I have never used it before.  He’s such a nice, happy, sweet man.  He always makes me feel good about myself. Always smiling.  But there are 1000’s of miles between us, which will always remain.  All I know is it’s nice to have a friend like him right now.

I often wonder what my relationship with A would have been like, if I had not been involved with S already when I met A.  I keep thinking that a relationship, deeper than the one we have, would have developed, and then I would have been so morose when he left.  So, I think it worked out for the best for us both, because neither of us got so attached that his leaving was painful.  I know he loves me, and I love him in a different way.  More than a friend, but not the way I used to love S, with longing that ached.  Which is a good thing because there will always be a big distance between us, and neither of us will ever entertain the idea that we could be together.

Well, pensive tonight I guess, on the end of my relationship with S.  On whatever my relationship with A is.  I don’t feel like dating, I don’t really want the complication of a man in my life right now.  I have a lot going on to get ready to put my house on the market.  I’m gonna hang out with my girlfriends, go to the beach, do a Paint Nite, and just generally put myself back together. It will be nice to have some time with out chaos.

Morning Meditation

Posted on by learning to live like water

06-16-13 016

It rained during the night.

I didn’t even hear it.

But this morning, I woke to a fresh clean world.

Yesterday was gray,

A constant threat of storms.

The air stuck to me

Like an old lover I wanted to forget.

This morning the sunrise breaks through silvery clouds

The scent of a fresh summer rain permeates the landscape

And renews my soul.

I listen to the birdsongs, they carry across time and space

on the almost imperceptible breeze that moves the leaves in the very tops of the trees.

Morning meditation, done with nature all around me.

So Hum

Breath in love on So

Breathe out all that no longer serves me on Hum.

Surrender and let go.

Peace.