Category Archives: moving on

Making Plans To Be Happy!

Posted on by learning to live like water

I just had a long talk with my friend from high school who lives where I want to move in Florida.  She is one of the most interesting people I know.  She’s an artist, was a merchant marine for many years, and was married to the 2nd mate of the ship. Her whole family at one time worked on the ships.  Now she is an artist, first, she paints.  Her work is so vibrant and full of color.

Pat's art

pat's art2

Anyway, I am going to see her while I’m in Florida at my sis’s.  She said I could stay there for a night, and see a realtor one day and spend a day with her.  If I can get a car to get there, but my sis may loan me her car.  Or maybe I could rent one. IDK.

Anyway, she has been singing with a friend of hers, blues, at some local watering holes.  She has a blast, gets free drinks, and has fun doing it.  She says she knows a bunch of hot old men musicians my age!  LOL!!!

Then we began talking about having an art studio when I move down there, so she’d have a place to paint, and I could make jewelry, write, whatever.  She has a couple other friends who are some type of artist who might want to go in on it too.  This town is full of galleries and artists, etc.  She also said there are many venues to practice reiki for money.  I’m pretty excited about it!  I may be able to make money and not have to get a regular job!

It’s looking good….Firming up every day.  Big changes in the works, fun, necessary, happy changes.  I’m getting really excited about it.  The universe is listening, it seems.

Love and light everyone.

Stained Glass Windows

Posted on by learning to live like water

stained glass

My book club is reading Brene Brown’s The Gifts of Imperfection this month.  It’s a quick read, and kind of sets the basis for her next two books, Daring Greatly and Rising Strong, which for me had a huge impact on my life.  The quote above was in the book, and I read it last night.

Isn’t this true?  I could go on, about people who never let their light shine, people who want the external light to make them become beautiful, people who don’t believe they even have a light. I have known these people.  But lately, I feel like that has been me.

My light hasn’t been shining lately, from within.  I have been angry, hurt, disappointed, betrayed by the actions of others.  I read this quote and realized I need to stop.  I need to cut the cords (again) that connect me that way.  It’s not the kind of energy I generally like to carry around with me.

Everyone has their own journey, and I know mine doesn’t include constant unhappiness any longer.  No one can be in a constant state of happiness, but I can get back to my overall normal state of being happy,  being grateful for all my blessings, of forgiving and letting go, of seeking the light, not the darkness, and it’s the light within me that I want to pull the layers of darkness off of.

My lesson at the moment, is that when people behave in ways that dim my light, to walk away from them.  To let them go.  There are so many people who are innately unhappy.  I feel for them.  I have had an overabundance of empathy for them, and tried to help them find their way out of the dark.

It’s not my job.  Not to be cold, but to be real, to acknowledge that everyone has their own journey, and I can’t over-invest myself in trying to help those who are determined to live in darkness.  Everyone has a light buried somewhere in there.  They can deny it, they can cover it up, it still burns.  The fact that I could see it and want to see it shine, doesn’t make it my job to uncover it.

Everyone has autonomy over their journey.  We can’t know what anyone’s soul’s journey is, and there is always free will added to the mix.  Everyone has their karmic lessons to learn, and everyone has the choice to learn them or not.

It’s not my job to teach them.  It’s my job to learn my own lessons, and let the light within me radiate out.  If I am to teach them, let it be by example. Rumi says “The wound is where the light enters you.”  Leonard Cohen says, “There is a crack in everything.  That’s how the light gets in.”  I think I’ve been wounded again recently, that cracks have been reopened.  But I hope now, that enough light has gotten in, that I can continue my journey back to source.  I wish those well, who still cover their light.  My journey takes me away from them, from that sadness and pain.

As usual, my prayer is that the Universe work it all out for the highest good of all.  Love and light to all.

 

 

The Evolution of the End

Posted on by learning to live like water

I’ve been writing so much in the mornings lately that I haven’t had time to do my meditation, and I think I’m feeling it.  It’s such a good way to start the day, to become centered and grounded.  To step back and just let myself be.

This morning seems to be full of promise.  Letting out the “I Wonder” emotions last night seemed to be a clearing, cleansing experience, to put that energy out to the universe.  He is who he is, I don’t think there will ever be a significant change, in his default setting.  I’m sorry for him, that he feels the need to blame me, or anyone else, for the decisions he makes.  And then to run away, to silence…IDK.  It’s all the way it’s supposed to be though.  It’s easier to move on when we don’t talk, and that’s what he wants me to do, apparently, and that’s what I want to do.

It’s all about trust, really.  And the marble jar is empty.  He put in a few marbles, and dumped them out.  I think for me, I need to cap the jar and not even make it accessible. He’s not looking to build my trust, but the thing is…either you are trustworthy or not.  Not with just me, but with everyone.  And he’s not.  He’s just not.

It’s good to see him as he is, it makes it easier to continue moving away from the old, into the life I want.  In the words of Fleetwood Mac, (Silver Spring) “I began not to love you. Turn around and see me running.  I’ll say I loved you years ago, Tell myself you never loved me, no….”  Because  I did, and he didn’t, and I’m running.

I hope she can run too, or at least walk.  I don’t see a change ever happening.  Because it has to happen across the board.  He can’t recreate himself for her, and be someone else the rest of the time.

Life is good.  Spring is 33 days away.  🙂  Gotta get my muffler fixed, now that my wiper blades work.  Things to do, places to go, people to meet.

Onward.

Cleaning House, Frozen Pipes….UGH.

Posted on by learning to live like water

I spent my day off more or less productively.  I got done what I’d said I would.  Got my two spare bedrooms cleaned, and my hallway carpet.  I found a bag full of clothes in my size that hadn’t fit me, and I had stuffed them away “for when they fit”.  LOL.  Always the plan, to get into these smaller clothes at some point.  Well, I took them out and I found a new pair of pants, two pairs of shorts, and two shirts and a jacket that fit.  Cool….Most of them still had tags on them!

And I made some cookies.  They are called “pecan clouds” and are basically meringue stuffed with pecans.  One of my and my son’s favorite cookies.  Not a ton of sugar, but really good.  If you like pecans.

Now I’m having a drink.  The energy spike about his health comes and goes, but I’ve gotten some assistance with it, which is greatly appreciated.

It’s been so frigid here for the last 2 days. Lows well below 0, highs in the 10’s.    The pipes to my washing machine are inside a common wall with the garage which is not heated, and have frozen.  I thawed them out with the hair dryer, ran a load of laundry, and they froze again.  So, thawing them again. It should warm up enough tonight that they won’t do it anymore.

And it’s snowing again, and going to change to rain, which will freeze.  The temp tomorrow will be 70° higher than yesterday.  WTF.

Fun.  Winter fun.  It’s a chapter in my book, “Why I want to live in Florida”.  LOL.

 

Sometimes No Answer is the Answer We Need

Posted on by learning to live like water

no-answer

It is so lovely to be off on Monday.  Not only for the extra day off, but because a 4 day work week is so much more palatable than a 5 day.  Sigh…..

I have sent S a text and left a voice mail, asking him about a dr appt he had Friday.  Previously he’d promised to let me know what happened, but I got so angry with him last week for his inability to own his actions, and then to blame me for them, thus denying me once again, that except for one voice mail from him I have not heard from him.  He has not responded to my requests to be informed.

So, I’m just going to have to not know, I guess.  It bothers me somewhat, since I have had such energetic pulls regarding his health in the last few months.  Even when we didn’t speak for two months, I sent him an email saying, please go to the dr.  I have a bad feeling here.  It also bothers me because I told him that whatever it was, I’d be beside him, he wouldn’t be alone.  A promise I’d be hard-pressed to keep at this moment, and perhaps one he doesn’t want me to keep anyway.  IDK.

Besides, I guess I don’t need to know, really.  I need to not be tied to the dysfunction that has commanded front and center in my life for the last month, to let it go, and move away from it.  I removed myself, so the others involved could deal with their issues without my energy.  Even if he had bad news at the dr, I still need to be removed, I guess.

I’ll be in FL in about 3 weeks for a week’s vacation.  My sis and I are going to find a realtor to just begin the search for the neighborhood I want, and research what’s affordable in the places I’m looking at, and who knows maybe come up with some other places. I can get info about the taxes, about the insurance regulations down there, etc.   I’m so looking forward to a clean fresh start, leaving all the old pain and sadness and angers behind me.  It will be so much fun, to actually be moving down the path to this dream, instead of just dreaming.

I am still so excited that my friend may have a buyer for my house.  I have been asking the Universe to let me sell this house quickly and easily….could this be the universe bringing me what I ask for?  Maybe…we’ll see.  It wouldn’t be the first time I have gotten the answer I needed and wanted.

I’d sure like to get off this bumpy road, onto some smoothly paved road with beautiful scenery.  It’s work, but I’ll get there.

Love and light to all.

You’ll Get What You Need

Posted on by learning to live like water

I went to a friend’s house last night with a bottle of wine.  She is a member of my book club, and gets me and the person I am, and how I need to be consistent with my values.  She helped me to manage the anger I felt over the events of the last week, and other issues around them.  I was exhausted, I hadn’t slept but 3 hours the night before, and worked a full busy day.  I think I was running on adrenaline until about 9:30 last night, when I had the overwhelming desire to just lay down and go to sleep.  So I went home and did that.

I keep going back to my friend the gong player’s words, that the deck is always stacked in our favor.  Even when it seems it’s not.  I can believe that and hold on to it.

It’s going to be an incredibly cold weekend here, low temps below 0°F, and wind chills tonight of -20’s F.  Luckily it’s only a couple of days, and not weeks.  Seems a good weekend to start the serious business of getting the house ready to sell, especially since it’s a 3 day weekend here in the US.  I am really ready to work toward beginning this new chapter of my life, and leaving all this old, ugly stuff behind me.

Life doesn’t always give us what we want, thankfully, but usually gives us what we need.  As usual, may the universe work everything out for everyone’s highest good.  Love and light.

Think It’s Time To Head Out to Unexplored Territory

Posted on by learning to live like water

heading for unexplored territory

Well well well.  A flipped me out today, not in a good way.  I’m sad about it, but it is what it is.

I had said I thought he was on a date last night.  Late last night I got a good night from him, saying he was out.  No kiss emoticons, or hearts, his stand by.  I figured, he’s on a date,whatever.  I don’t need them, lol, I am just used to his big displays of love.  This morning, I texted him good morning as usual, nothing.  An hour later, I said, My intuition tells me you are with someone, so I’ll talk to you later.

Way later, I get a text from him, that he is at Tobi’s (the Santa Fe Christmas woman’s name I guess…).  He’s staying there this week to see how they are after a week together.  He would still like to hear from me but won’t be responding as much or as quickly.

Sayyyy what?????  He just MET this woman Friday night!  Now, seriously, I have had a lot of affection for this man, because when I was broken he was there declaring his undying love for me, picking me up, helping me to put one foot in front of the other.

But ever since I told him not to come here at Christmas, he’s been acting out in ways I cannot comprehend.  I thought it was way inappropriate to talk about Christmas with someone he’d had one date with.  But to move into her house, 2 days after he asked if he could come here to visit after he goes to Michigan?  It’s not that I’m jealous, because I’m not, but I had NO IDEA that he was so needy that he would do something like this.  And how needy is she?  For God’s sake.

He just broke up with the other one sometime last week.  And has plans to go to Michigan the third week of January.  And now he’s holed up at this woman’s house to “see how we are….”

Geezus…  I mean geezus.

I just don’t know him anymore.  I don’t want to know someone so needy.  He’s acting out, something, for someone.  He says he loves me very much.  That’s nice.  Really.  But apparently he loves every woman who gives him the time of day.  What’s special about it?  And I don’t feel that kind of love for him anyway.  But I felt blindsided.  He wants to be best friends, and send “kisses”…. and in the meantime move into the house of a woman he just met for a week…

UGH.  Sorry A.  Be happy and enjoy.  But see ya….he’s crazy.  So he is honest about it with everyone, he’s not a liar and a cheat. But he is needy, and crazy. I dislike men who are needy.  And I just don’t want crazy in my life.  I’ve had enough crazy.  No judgement.

Aren’t there any normal men out there?  That won’t lie and cheat and deceive, and will just let a relationship grow, instead of forcing it?

Cripes.  Well, I’m gladder (is that a word?) than ever that I kept saying no, don’t come see me.  I said it for a lot of reasons, but being true to myself, that I couldn’t feel that connection to him, proved to be the right thing, because now I feel no connection.

ONWARD.

I had a really wicked energy vibe about Scott’s health today.  I thought maybe it was repercussions mixed in with Addie’s crazy behavior . I drafted an email, to tell him, it was that strong.  I thought I’d wait til all the stuff from the day settled out to decide to send it.  I haven’t sent it yet, I still feel strongly about it.  But I also am afraid to open a can of worms that might be better left unopened.  IDk.  I’m not really afraid to talk to him, but like I said last night, there is so much pain between us, he at me for making him tell Betty and finishing the job off myself, so that the truth was out.  And me, at him, for….everything.

I’ve missed him the last couple days, probably because I was triggered by A’s stupid request to come see me when he leaves Michigan’s bed….But what I missed about Scott is sitting on my deck laughing, which had nothing to do with the lies and deception.  God, I haven’t had a belly laugh in 3 or 4 months.

I’m not sure we could ever get to the laughing point again.

I’ll leave it be for the time being.  I am feeling it about his health, but what good would it do to tell him?  Just thinking that as a cancer survivor, early detection is important?  Maybe he’s got a cold.  Who the hell knows why I get these vibes.  I couldn’t send him reiki, I couldn’t get my head into that place on my lunch break, probably because I as still picking my jaw up off the floor that Addie had moved in with a stranger for a week…to see how they are…..(shakes head, again….)

I do think that these two men have been intertwined in my life for a long time.  I think it’s a good thing to make a clean break from both of them.  They are opposite ends of the spectrum.  S lied, deceived, manipulated, but he wasn’t crazy or needy.  A couldn’t lie or deceive on his worst day, but he’s crazy.  And so needy.

Time to head out for new unexplored territory I think.

.