Life is quiet now.
Like a tidal pool on a hot summer day.
Life teams below
But nothing disturbs the surface.
I care not
What is happening elsewhere.
If he is angry
Or she is crying,
Or if they are together in bed.
My heart is still.
My soul is still.
I am still.
It’s not that there is peace.
Peace may come when I forget his name.
And what he did to me.
Peace may be part of the story
Someday
But right now,
I settle for stillness.
Woke unsettled this morning. I think it’s him again, he is always so depressed before the winter solstice anyway, with the short dark days. He’s suffered from depression for most of his life.
I want to say, well no wonder….look how he lives.
But I have to just let it go, it’s his to deal with. I did a meditation, I turned the energy back around to him, cut the cords, again. Asked his soul to fly away and to leave me be.
I thought about his cold cold lies. His beautiful blue eyes lying to me. Were they laughing? I feel sad for him, it all caught up to him, and I’m sure he’s having a hard time. Well….so did I. I’ve made it through, but for me it’s just a matter of recognizing him and letting it all go. I can still see his soul, the one he won’t even acknowledge that he has. Knowing he could only do what he did, because of where his head was at. I will always feel affection for who I know hides behind the chaos he creates for himself. But it’s like you might feel for a wayward child, not the love of a woman for a man.
He has to deal with his head being in that place, repeatedly. Hurting people who loved him, killing off their love for him. Leaving him alone.
Much harder to face. He used to say he was impulsive, he didn’t have a filter. And after would say, “Oh…man, I won’t do that again.” He may want to rethink that lifestyle, and try to do things that won’t blow up in his face, and in the process rip lives apart.
But whatever he does, I need to actively pursue cutting the energy cords with him, sending them back to him, or into the universe. Setting myself completely free of him. It’s one thing to tell him about the concern over his health, but another to wake up feeling his depression over the state he’s in.
He never could let me go…so I have to set myself free. The fact that we do not talk doesn’t mean that there isn’t intense communication being attempted at levels we cannot comprehend.
I have not heard from A again. I may, when he leaves this woman’s house. LOL. I idly wonder if he’s still going to see the Michigan woman. I hope he finds what he’s looking for, because I know that I could never be it for him. I also know if I could have been…there would be no Tobi, no Michigan woman. I hope he doesn’t make a mistake in his pursuit of a relationship. He’s so impulsive, and he pushes things far beyond their natural state. It’s like he feels he has to lock it up, or it will disappear, instead of letting it grow. He told me the other day that I was the one who keeps breaking his heart. I want to say….then let it be broken, and let it heal. Like I had to to with S. He wants to bury the pain. He is not much more aware than S of the repercussions of what he does.
I sure know how to pick dysfunctional men. Maybe the third time will be the charm, if I get a third chance. LOL. I’m going to use the law of attraction, and visualize the man I want, over and over. Somewhere in the middle of that spectrum between total deception and total neediness.
Florida. Maybe in Florida there is someone looking for a woman who can love, and be loved. Who’s slightly outside the box. And rather outspoken. I see things pretty clearly, and am not afraid to talk about what I see. It endears me to some people.
Even though I know energy can travel over distance, in fact, distance is not even a factor with energy, I feel like when I am moved to Florida I will feel free of all this emotional chaos. I will have other, new chaos, as I resettle in a new place, without my huge support base. But I think it will be a smooth transition, calmed by being close to the sea, and warm water, and family nearby.
I feel like I’ll be free there. Finally.
I have a couple of crystal pendulums. For those who don’t know what they are, they are a pointed crystal, attached to a chain usually. You hold the end of the chain in your dominant hand, and place it about 2 or 3 inches above the open palm of your non-dominant hand. You can ask it questions and it will move one direction for yes, and a different one for no.
I have two of these. When you get them they should be cleansed of anyone else’s energy that has handled them, which can be done with white sage smoke. Or putting them outside under the full moon, but then you usually have to wait, lol. Salt is also cleansing.
The crystal gets a vibration from your higher self, which is connecting to the universe, and thus, higher energy. It will answer yes and no questions. It’s not, obviously, fool-proof. But it is uncanny how often in my life it’s given me the right answer. I also use it doing Reiki, just to verify that energy is flowing.
The first time you use it after it’s cleansed, you ask it to show you yes and then no. It can be a different for each person, and each crystal, although both of mine swing back and forth in a straight line for yes, and in a clockwise circle for no.
I try to clear my head before I use one by getting into a meditative state, trying not to influence the answer I get. I also try to get a few feet away from any electronics.
Usually if I ask it a question, it goes very still at first. One of my pendulums is a clear faceted quartz pendulum, and I can see it suddenly start vibrating at a very fast rate, which is only visible because of the way the light reflects in the facets. Then it will suddenly start swinging or circling.
Sometimes it hangs really still for a long time, as if it can’t find the vibe. I then try to visualize the person’s face I’m asking about, and where they are at the time, even their address. Usually by the time I open my eyes again, it is swinging one way or the other.
When I got the vibe yesterday about S not being well, I waited and asked it when I got home. I wanted to get away from the influence of the day’s crazy energy. The answer was that he was not well, which just verified what my gut was screaming at me. I looked at the email I had drafted. It gave up nothing, except to tell him what I felt. It also told him I hoped he was well and able to deal with all that had happened. And all that is true. But I wanted nor needed any response from him. He knows I am usually right when I have these strong connections. But honestly with his health history I felt, really, that I should at least tell him. So I sent it late last night. There has been no answer. Which is fine. I don’t need one.
Before anyone gets all up in arms that I would contact him, understand that I am way over the heartbreak. Even if I miss him, I know that what I miss isn’t who he is now, and it doesn’t upset me. His making me laugh is really just a good memory. I have an ability to talk to anyone, at any time. I can put him in his proper place in my life. I don’t regret the way I loved him, I don’t love him that way now. He’s a wreck, really. He often told me he was still grieving the end of his relationship with Betty, but he blamed her, not himself. He stopped talking about her about 8 or 9 months into our relationship. Especially when I came back from Florida in March, he said he was open to a relationship, he said everything I had dreamed of hearing. Then a few weeks later she showed up…. but he wouldn’t let me go.
At any rate, I’m over it. I can talk to him, if he felt the need, but I don’t need to talk to him. I just felt that he should know what I felt about his health. Because I can’t help it that I have this connection to him, whatever it is. It doesn’t really feel like I’m tied to him, or corded. Just that I had information that might be good for him to know. That’s it. He has it now, and I can let it go.
I had to learn how to do this with my ex. Four years in court, and a son to deal with. I am able to put whats behind me, behind me.
The pendulum also tells me that she won’t ever forgive him, or take him back. It could be wrong. The pendulum isn’t fool proof. Maybe it’s just reading the energy as it is now. It’s been less than a full month since she found out that the whole time he was with her, he was with me too. I’ve had almost 3 times that long to absorb the loss, although I only found out when she did that he was also with her the last six months that he was with me.
I hope the pendulum and I are wrong about his health. As for Betty, I was just curious. I don’t really care. But I do think he’s cashed in all his trust chips with us both.
Just spent an hour on the phone with an old friend from my abuse support community whose son is following in his fathers footsteps to narcissism.
I’m so glad that I found that community all those years ago, because the bonds we made with others in similar situations have given us all somewhere to go where people understand it, I mean, really get it.
I think I helped her. We had not talked in a few years, but she knew she could come to me. I told her about my recent narc experience. I still hold out hope for her 18 yr old son. I hold it for Scott, but I’m also real. He’s most likely not going to change at this late date, though he could. If he wanted.
It’s fear. What is not love is fear. Simple as that.
Well well well. A flipped me out today, not in a good way. I’m sad about it, but it is what it is.
I had said I thought he was on a date last night. Late last night I got a good night from him, saying he was out. No kiss emoticons, or hearts, his stand by. I figured, he’s on a date,whatever. I don’t need them, lol, I am just used to his big displays of love. This morning, I texted him good morning as usual, nothing. An hour later, I said, My intuition tells me you are with someone, so I’ll talk to you later.
Way later, I get a text from him, that he is at Tobi’s (the Santa Fe Christmas woman’s name I guess…). He’s staying there this week to see how they are after a week together. He would still like to hear from me but won’t be responding as much or as quickly.
Sayyyy what????? He just MET this woman Friday night! Now, seriously, I have had a lot of affection for this man, because when I was broken he was there declaring his undying love for me, picking me up, helping me to put one foot in front of the other.
But ever since I told him not to come here at Christmas, he’s been acting out in ways I cannot comprehend. I thought it was way inappropriate to talk about Christmas with someone he’d had one date with. But to move into her house, 2 days after he asked if he could come here to visit after he goes to Michigan? It’s not that I’m jealous, because I’m not, but I had NO IDEA that he was so needy that he would do something like this. And how needy is she? For God’s sake.
He just broke up with the other one sometime last week. And has plans to go to Michigan the third week of January. And now he’s holed up at this woman’s house to “see how we are….”
Geezus… I mean geezus.
I just don’t know him anymore. I don’t want to know someone so needy. He’s acting out, something, for someone. He says he loves me very much. That’s nice. Really. But apparently he loves every woman who gives him the time of day. What’s special about it? And I don’t feel that kind of love for him anyway. But I felt blindsided. He wants to be best friends, and send “kisses”…. and in the meantime move into the house of a woman he just met for a week…
UGH. Sorry A. Be happy and enjoy. But see ya….he’s crazy. So he is honest about it with everyone, he’s not a liar and a cheat. But he is needy, and crazy. I dislike men who are needy. And I just don’t want crazy in my life. I’ve had enough crazy. No judgement.
Aren’t there any normal men out there? That won’t lie and cheat and deceive, and will just let a relationship grow, instead of forcing it?
Cripes. Well, I’m gladder (is that a word?) than ever that I kept saying no, don’t come see me. I said it for a lot of reasons, but being true to myself, that I couldn’t feel that connection to him, proved to be the right thing, because now I feel no connection.
ONWARD.
I had a really wicked energy vibe about Scott’s health today. I thought maybe it was repercussions mixed in with Addie’s crazy behavior . I drafted an email, to tell him, it was that strong. I thought I’d wait til all the stuff from the day settled out to decide to send it. I haven’t sent it yet, I still feel strongly about it. But I also am afraid to open a can of worms that might be better left unopened. IDk. I’m not really afraid to talk to him, but like I said last night, there is so much pain between us, he at me for making him tell Betty and finishing the job off myself, so that the truth was out. And me, at him, for….everything.
I’ve missed him the last couple days, probably because I was triggered by A’s stupid request to come see me when he leaves Michigan’s bed….But what I missed about Scott is sitting on my deck laughing, which had nothing to do with the lies and deception. God, I haven’t had a belly laugh in 3 or 4 months.
I’m not sure we could ever get to the laughing point again.
I’ll leave it be for the time being. I am feeling it about his health, but what good would it do to tell him? Just thinking that as a cancer survivor, early detection is important? Maybe he’s got a cold. Who the hell knows why I get these vibes. I couldn’t send him reiki, I couldn’t get my head into that place on my lunch break, probably because I as still picking my jaw up off the floor that Addie had moved in with a stranger for a week…to see how they are…..(shakes head, again….)
I do think that these two men have been intertwined in my life for a long time. I think it’s a good thing to make a clean break from both of them. They are opposite ends of the spectrum. S lied, deceived, manipulated, but he wasn’t crazy or needy. A couldn’t lie or deceive on his worst day, but he’s crazy. And so needy.
Time to head out for new unexplored territory I think.
.
Addie was out on a date last night, so I didn’t get to talk to him. But he wished me goodnight, “Goodnight my love”, while he was with her. I assume he was with the Christmas woman. It’s whatever. I’m not really jealous, I just would have liked to talk to him after the weekend. Tonight I have an appointment to cut and highlight my hair, so I won’t be around til later.
I almost sent S a link to my last night’s blog, Caught in the Riptide, with a note saying, “I’d really like answers to these questions some day”. I actually typed it out, but then thought let me sleep on it, let me see how I feel in the morning. And this morning I think, why? He most likely would ignore it, first of all, but if he didn’t, it would come to no good end to initiate any kind of communication.
I think I also wanted him to know the reasons I told her, to understand why I made him tell her and then finished the job myself. But he’ll likely read the blog. I don’t think as long as his name is in the blog consistently he can stop reading it. It’s attention.
I’m pretty sure Betty Boop told him not to try to contact him, and he probably doesn’t. That’s what happened the last time, when I met him. That’s what the note she left with her key to her house said (he sent me a picture). I don’t think she can do the hard conversations, he always said she was a woman of few words. But he can’t either. He either gets angry or defensive, it is hard for him to just talk out the issues with a give and take. Especially when the issues are ones he created, caused, and is fully responsible for. Accountability is not his strong suit.
And of course, I’m the woman with way too many words at times. So, this is the only attention he is likely getting, are my thoughts. I could try to stop writing about him, and my emotions around what he did, and sometimes I do. But my healing requires me to write, and I can’t censure what I write because he may be reading it.
I’m feeling more myself this morning. Less angry, hurt, more accepting, more hopeful, more looking to the future. I do hope Addie finds someone, he needs someone. I don’t, never have. I wanted someone, and there’s a big difference. If the right guy doesn’t come along, I have a rich full life. It can always be richer and fuller, but I trust in the universe to bring it there.
Yep, out of the riptide this morning. The seas are calming, and my soul with it.
A….just always there for me. I don’t know why, I just don’t have any idea why but he is. It choked me up all day.
He got my message, and his response was….
“Good morning, my love.”
No chastising me. No questions. No anger. Nothing, but unconditional love.
I wished he were here with me. I wished we were snuggling, sharing a cup of coffee, talking, anything. I do love him, really….but I can’t sustain that. And I don’t know why. Before, it was because of Scott. It’s not him, now. But I think it might be repercussions of him.
Because I got so triggered this past weekend, and by A, the gentlest, most loving of souls….I have to say, I’m not relationship material yet. I’m ok on the surface, but there’s still a lot of grief, loss, sadness, anger running like a riptide underneath, and at any moment, it might sweep me out to sea and risk drowning anyone who is with me. And it’s A who has been by my side.
He hated Scott for me when I could not, lol. He brought me around to feel sorry for him, when the depth of his depravity was uncovered, he was the first to say, “I just went from hate to pity. He needs our prayers…” Because S’s actions absolutely indicated a deep and terrible illness. And even A, who has played 2nd fiddle to S for months, when I couldn’t let go….can see it, and offer up his compassion.
I love A, and I want him in my life.
But I’m not consistent. This morning I was gonna try to Facetime him when I got home but tonight, I don’t feel it so much. I really scared myself, realizing that I almost kicked him out of my life. God, stupid. This morning, I felt jealous of the woman in Santa Fe….and tonight, I am back to where I was. I can’t be what he needs and deserves. But I want him in my life, for sure.
I was still triggered today. I imagined talking to S….what would we possibly have to say? “Why did you do that?” He won’t know, or won’t say. He’d ask “Why did you tell her….” Because she had to know. It wasn’t fair, it wasn’t right. You were never gonna tell her the truth, I was going to remain a lie somewhere there. I’m sick of being a lie, and a secret. And you would have made me stay that way, and she would have never known the truth. I fucking loved you, and I wanted to make sure she knew that. That I didn’t just fuck you, that I LOVED you with every fiber of my being. That you were trying to be with me just days before. That I wasn’t what you wanted her to think I was. I was not going to be minimized by you and your narcissism.
You didn’t want to save her pain, you wanted to continue to manipulate her feelings, her love, her emotions. Just like you did me, but I found out the truth.
So….what would he and I have to say? Nothing. Nothing, except I loved you, you tried to kill me. I don’t know when my heart will ever open up again. When I will trust someone again. It was not that you were with her that hurt so much, it was the lies, the cruelty of every thing you did after 10:30 on October 3. All the voice mails, all the texts, all the sexting, the phone calls, you tried to keep me hanging on while you were with her. Cruel. Why couldn’t you just let me go? Why couldn’t you let me go when you came to the park back in May, and told me you wanted to be by yourself. Why didn’t you just stick with it? Instead of asking me to come over? Instead of calling me and telling me you should have come to Florida with me? Instead of coming here and making sweet love with me?
It’s the loss, of finding out that who I thought you were and adored was some shell you put on for me. I had to give you up, and then I had to GIVE YOU UP…because you didn’t even exist. I fucking miss that man who doesn’t exist. And I grieve for him.
What would I have to say? Nothing, that could lead to anything but to bring back the pain.
So I almost pushed Addie away today, because the ghost man that I loved hurt me so much that what he did still, 3 1/2 months later, can stab me in the back when I’m just out for a stroll.
I was drowning this weekend. Today I managed to get to shore, but I’m tired, out of breath, and traumatized. I need to do what A wants me to, to “rest in his love.” And I will. And S….I’m pretty sure he’ll be alone. Which is the safest place for everyone else.
I woke up this morning feeling sick, a sure sign my emotions have been bubbling up in my solar plexus all night.
I realize, in part thanks to my friend Emma, that I have done a fair bit of projecting what was done to me onto A’s actions. And truth is, I was lied to, deceived, manipulated…and A is not doing that. He is up front in his intentions, he’s not misleading anyone. He’s a good, honest man.
He’s doing what he has to do to try to get past the heartache I’ve given him, because I cannot love him in that way.
And I miss him already in my life.
I sent him a message, saying, I know that all this is really none of my business. I am sorry I projected my pain onto you. I know you would never do to anyone what was done to me. I love you, I miss you.
It’s his business, and that of the women he dates. He treats me with respect and unconditional love.
I won’t lie when I say all this kind of tore a hole in the healing I’ve done as I had to remember what it felt like to be so betrayed by someone I loved so much.
I did my meditation this morning, on acceptance, and I tried to just settle down and stop remembering the pain I dealt with, because it has nothing to do with A. I ended up doing self-Reiki, to balance myself again. I was crying. I realized there are probably layers and layers of pain buried deep from my experience that I’m going to have to deal with. And I have to deal with them without making them someone else’s problem.
I am pretty confident that A won’t hold a grudge with me, that he knows what caused it. He’s not good at the hard conversations, he has a hard time with them. But he’s been there for me, every dark day that S caused me, A was there to shine a light. That’s worth some extra work on my part.
Feeling bad for A. All this stuff he’s doing has been a reaction to my not wanting him…..
He’s been good to me. He’s been there for me, especially in the last 3 months. Before he left on this adventure, he looked me in the eye and told me he loved me. “So much.” He still tells me every day.
How do I reconcile this? Am I being too hard? Can I love as a friend a man who wants to do what he wants to do? Even if he doesn’t want to do it to me? Is he the man I thought he was?
I just sent him a text and said, “A, I love you and I’m so grateful for your presence in my life, especially in the last three months as I was falling apart. I don’t know how to reconcile this, but I want you to know I’m trying.”
Because I can’t, don’t want, to hurt him. Ever. Yet, after what happened to me, I know that up front or not with women, there is a huge risk for someone to get hurt, just the way I was.
I asked him how he would have felt if I had gone from his bed to Scott’s, and back again. Even if he knew…..He didn’t answer.
Because if there is physical intimacy involved, there are emotions, usually. And he also has those emotions, I’ve been with him, I know him. It might be himself that gets hurt. Someone always gets hurt, among typical people who are dating, considering intimacy.
Ok, there are people who are swingers, go to swing club meetings (? I don’t know what they’re called) with their significant other and screw anyone they want and go home together. S was once a swinger. But S is not typical, and I know why, and I won’t say why here because it’s a secret he asked me not to tell anyone. He’s not typical.
A is much more typical, he was in a long term monogamous marriage and loved his wife dearly. He has a hole she left when she died, and he can’t fill it with me, because I just can’t, and he’s looking to fill it otherwise. I want to say to him, would she be proud of this decision not to be monogamous? He described it as “learning to share better.” I don’t think she would.
He says the new woman, from Friday night, was a little angry about it, but wants to date him anyway. I’m guessing, because I’m a woman, that she thinks she will change his mind about going in the next month.
He doesn’t seem to understand how someone can get hurt if they know up front. How can I love him as a friend, and at the same time, see him setting someone up, maybe even himself, to go through what I just went through? I’m sure he went through a lot of pain last year when I came back from Florida and went back to Scott. I’m sure he knows the pain of having someone you love in the bed of someone else. Yet, he chooses a path that is fraught with that possibility.
Because he’s been there for me, because I trust him so much, I am thinking I should sit with him and this, and be there somehow, when it falls apart, which inevitably it will. And he will feel bad, really feel it. He won’t be like S, feeling sorry for himself because he got caught and he’s now alone. It will be A, grieving over someone being hurt by his actions. And maybe if I’m beside him, for him to bounce it off of, he won’t let it get to that point. Because he trusts me.
I guess it’s a boundary for me. I don’t cross it. Trust me, when S was asking me to “hop in the car, drive down here, we’ll go to the beach, or take a nap….”, I wanted to so much. But I couldn’t cross that boundary. No matter that my heart and body ached for him, I couldn’t go be with someone who was also with someone else. No more than I could not tell her, when I found out the truth.
So, can I be friends with A? Should I be? He got my text, I have not heard from him though. I’ll have to sleep on it.
So A and I have been having a conversation. I told him I cannot support what he’s doing, that it affects our friendship because it affects the way I see him as a man.
I can’t find a redeeming quality in not being monogamous. He can follow his heart, I just don’t know what he and I would even have in common. He says, “We can’t be best friends now?”
No. I have nothing in common with someone who wants to hop beds, whether or not I’m one of the ones he’s hopping into. I find it distasteful. I find it callous, thoughtless, a recipe for disaster for someone’s heart. I’ve had mine shredded from it. I told him I don’t have any friends who are not monogamous with their partner, or wouldn’t be if they had one. Not one. I don’t get along with people who want to have multiple partners.
He says, it is me who keeps breaking his heart….
I know this, though I never meant to. I was crazy in love with Scott. I am not now, I am completely unattached but what does that matter? I couldn’t love A whether or not Scott was in the picture, not the way A wanted, not the way I loved Scott. I tried, God knows.
He says, I’m not asking to bed you, but can’t we be friends. I know that, I said. But I don’t know what we’d have in common, to base a friendship on. That speaks to the basic level of commonalities. If he wants to be like Scott, and have a different woman every night, (which Scott told me was his fantasy), why would I have an intimate close relationship with him, even if the intimacy didn’t involve sex? I don’t respect that, I can’t honor it. I can only see the pain it will cause at sometime. And, I see that it will leave him alone, all alone….which is not what he wants either.
I told A it will not fill his holes. It will not bring him what he wants. That he’s going to have to be patient, and keep his heart open, and the right woman will come into his life. But this….this sets him up to break someone’s heart. I don’t think he wants to do that. Even if he’s up front about it, which is better than Scott’s deception, but still, is just something ugly, in my book.
I told him he has to follow his heart, he has to do what he has to do, but I won’t be able to support it. I told him it changes how I see him.
What is with these men in their 60’s who are so focused on having sex that they give up human connection. My God, their parts might stop working soon, so many men have issues with it at this age. What will they have when if that happens? No one, no connection, no one that will soothe their brow, or hold their hand, or kiss them goodnight. Are they in a hurry to get as much sex in as they can before it happens?
God, such a shallow sad life. I never dreamed A would have anything in common with S. But I was wrong. I am disappointed, so disappointed. A is honest about it, but in the end, it’s the same thing. A shallow attempt to fill an empty soul. The answers will never lay in sucking the energy from someone else. Neither one of these men understands that the answers are within, and that’s the only place they will find them.
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