I seem to attract these people, lol.
Non-Monogamy?
Another weirdly warm December day today. Yesterday it was in the mid-60’s, today will be similar, but cloudy not sunny. We are all loving it. Our heat doesn’t go on, we don’t have to wear 5 layers of clothes to stay warm, my winter coat has not come out of the closet yet this year!
Awesome, just awesome.
I don’t know what’s going on with A, he was acting weird last night. He did finally text me, and quickly said “goodnight sweetie” then began to talk about his date Friday night. How she’s nicer than the last woman he dated, and how she’d invited him and his son to Christmas. I said, “Wow, on the first date….” because that actually seems a little weird to me, to ask someone on the first date to come to your home for Christmas. I will say he exudes kindness and love, but still…just seems a little needy on her part or something to me. And on his, to accept that quickly. To me, coming to someone’s home on Christmas speaks to a closer level of connection than a single date.
But then I began to think how he’s going to meet the Michigan woman in a month…and this one wants him for Christmas, and I wondered…and asked… “Did you tell her about Michigan?” Because, really…someone who is asking you to Christmas on the first date obviously likes you and I would guess she’s not thinking about being one of many partners.
He didn’t answer. At all. I have not heard since I asked the question.
Maybe he feels it’s none of my business, but we are close friends, I can ask him anything, I thought, or tell him anything. And if he’s going to get chummy with this new woman, she should know his plans. I will always advocate having the truth on the table. Anything else is just self-serving.
I’m thinking I don’t really like this new thing he’s doing, deciding that he doesn’t want to be monogamous. He said he wants to learn to share better. ??? I think it’s an idea he picked up from the Michigan woman, who last week, was “off with her other boyfriend.” Speaking from experience, it’s a recipe for disaster. When he told me that a week or so ago, I said, “I can’t do that, Addie. Scott would have loved it if I could, but I can’t.” Reminding him of the pain it caused me. It is incongruous with the man I have known for the better part of a year, for him to not be monogamous, for him not to be forthcoming about his intentions with others. I’m not jealous, I’d love for him to find someone who loves him madly. I can’t love him that way, and lord knows I tried, but it wasn’t there.
I’m afraid he’s a mess. And I still know if I wanted to be in a relationship with him, he’d give it all up…. I don’t know if he’s more hurt than he will admit by my not wanting him to come here, by my not wanting to have an intimate relationship with him and is trying to fill the hole. I’m not tuned into him like I am/was (hopefully was) to Scott. So I can’t read it that well from 2000 miles.
Well, I’m not going to obsess over it. Things change, and it seems he is too. If this path continues, we won’t be so close anymore, because I can’t admire what he’s doing at the moment. I’ll miss him, but it is what it is. I’m still grateful to have him, to have had him in my life, he’s never treated me with anything but love and respect, except for his little anomaly yesterday asking to come see me after he’s been with the MI woman. But it does show where he’s headed….not a good thing.
Cookies, Disappointment and Trust
I made cookies and went to the cookie swap with my bff at her sisters. There were about 15 or so women there, lots of good snacks, and drinks. We sat around in her kitchen and family room talking, lots of cookies on the table. There weren’t a lot of women I knew there, but as usual with my friend’s family, everyone is welcoming.
I got into a conversation with a woman next to me, and turns out she is a nurse who practices integrative therapies such as reiki, and energy balancing, intuitive therapy. We had a lot to talk about! She is also into gemstones, and their metaphysical properties. We talked and talked, we exchanged emails. I told her about the gong baths, and she sounded like she’d love to come. It was very cool to make a new friend, but we both felt like we were supposed to meet. One of those people that the universe puts in your path for a reason.
This morning A was talking to me about how he’s going to see this woman he met online in Michigan. I have known about this, I think he’s a little crazy to do it, but it’s his life. I am not jealous, at all. My relationship with him isn’t physical or committed. We are close, we share all our thoughts, but we’re just close close friends. Then he said, “I’ll only be two days away from you……” “I could come see you, but I don’t know if it’s a good idea.”
I was a little blindsided, but didn’t know how to respond. A said, “I love our relationship, I don’t want to do anything to change it….I could sleep on the couch but what are the chances of that….” And he was right about that…
But, I just went through this with him over the Christmas thing. I love having him 2000 miles away, it is perfect for me. We aren’t involved physically, I don’t want a long distance intimate relationship….But something about the whole question bothered me.
I realized that he was talking about coming to see me, and sleep with me, after seeing the woman in Michigan and sleeping with her. I know our relationship is difficult to understand, but that one fact….
I texted him, saying, “I know you love me and would never hurt me, Addie. But please understand that for 6 months Scott went from her bed to mine, and mine to hers, and you suggesting that you come here, from the MI woman….just made me remember what that felt like. I know you didn’t mean to, we are ok, but I needed to tell you….”
He said he was sorry, he didn’t want to cause me pain, he just thought he should say something about being “so close”. I said, “1000 miles away is still a long ways away. I’ve known you were going there for some time now. I just wish we’d have left it alone.”
He apologized again.
I know if I would commit to a relationship with him, there would be no other women. I know he wants to see me, because he loves me. I’ve tried to be clear with him where I’m at.
I also told him, if we decide to be together, then we will make a plan that is just about us….not part of a road trip…..
I couldn’t help but feel disappointed in him. He knows, probably better than anyone, how devastated I was by Scott’s actions, because he sat with me on the phone for hours the day after, and talked me down over and over. And again and again, as the drama continued with Scott, Addie was there for me. He just didn’t think this through, he just got excited at the idea of seeing me again. I know this, I know his heart is good. But how he could suggest that he come see me, after he sees another woman…
I don’t do casual sex. I don’t sleep with a man because it’s convenient, because he happens to be in the neighborhood. Addie knows this. I don’t know what possessed him to make such an inappropriate suggestion to me…no matter how much he wants to see me.
If he’d taken me up on the 5 days around New Years….and not tried to turn it into 2 1/2 weeks, it might have worked, or I might have gotten sick of him in 5 days. I don’t know, but at least it would have just been about he and I.
I was so disappointed, in him, for the first time ever. I want to go back to our close, intimately sharing thoughts, and feelings, but just friends. I don’t know if it’s possible. I thought I got over it while at the cookie swap, because I know he was just being thoughtless, not evil. I trust him…
I sent him a text when I got home, and a picture of my plate of cookies though, and have heard nothing. Maybe he’s upset now. Idk. I don’t want any drama about it.
But one of the things that builds trust is the G in Brene Brown’s anagram for trust, BRAVING…G is for generosity. I will be generous with Addie, and tell him that he did this, that it bothered me, but that I know he loves me, and I just wanted to tell him what I was thinking. It doesn’t really change the way I feel about him, he is still a very dear man to me. Generous in that I know he didn’t want to hurt me….I know that he didn’t mean to do what he did, and I know he loves me. I think the best of him. Not the worst. Because he’s proven to me that I can trust him.
Why Did You Have to Be Such A Shit?
Why did you have to turn out to be such a shit?
What joy was there in dismantling my heart
Piece by piece?
You hid pieces of it all over.
For months I have looked for them
But I can’t find them all
and I can’t make them fit together
Like they used to be.
Was it power?
You did it because you could?
I was at your mercy
And you were not worthy of the task
Of caring for the heart you carved up and threw away.
A waste of my love
A blight on my soul.
You took my body
And made it yours
Then you took my heart
And devoured it
Trying to fill your own emptiness.
I want it back
I want to give it to someone else
Who won’t leave me broken and splattered.
To satisfy their own greed.
Someone who will take it and gently kiss the pieces back together
And make it more full than it ever was for you.
You never deserved it.
I gave it willingly
But you didn’t deserve it.
I want it back.
Even now you deny that you took it.
To be denied by the man you love
Denied to the world
Is perhaps the biggest betrayal of all.
Why did you have to be such a shit?
Because you are. That’s all.
Because you are.
Unwelcome Solitude
I had a hard time getting to sleep last night. I was tired, I did my normal things, I shut my light out and expected to go off. But an hour later I lay there, wide awake.
Maybe part of it was that Addie had a date last night. I am not, was not jealous. In fact, I am happy for him, because he deserves to find someone who can fall in love with him and I know it’s not me. But I missed our nightly conversation, I missed him saying goodnight….
But the thing was that I just felt alone. Really, bone chilling, heart wrenching alone. Sometimes I am happy that way, in fact, most of the time, I’m just fine with it. But last night, I was just sick of it. Sick of walking through this life alone, sick of being so responsible for everything. Like the house….it is sometimes overwhelming to think about getting it in shape to sell, and even moreso to think about packing up and moving a long way away. But I’m going to do it. Just wish I didn’t have to do everything, every single thing alone.
I even got mad at Scott again, I wrote a poem that started out, “Why did you have to turn out to be such a shit?” LOL. Actually, writing that helped me finally get to sleep, lol. But I don’t think I’ll publish it. I was allowing myself to feel way too sorry for myself, and blaming him for my solitude. Well, yeah, he is culpable, but not completely. I chose to love him despite every red flag, even many out of his own mouth. My mother used to say, “No one can tell you anything…..”. LOL. Yes, I’m way too independent for my own good at times.
Last night was one of those times. My independence had me alone, and I wasn’t happy about it. This morning…I am fine with it, lol. I have a lot to do today. Have to get to the store, I have to make cookies to take to a cookie swap, and will be with people I love and who love me tonight.
Feelings pass. We have to learn to honor them, to let ourselves feel them, and sooner or later, we move on to a different place. I finally slept, maybe about 5 or 6 hours which is about average anyway. I have to consciously change my course and open my heart to all the possibilities. Again.
Just some introspective musings this Saturday morning. Love and light to all.
Is He a Narcissist? Maybe…..
I’ve been reading about narcissists, and relationships. And sociopaths. I always thought my ex was a sociopath…he fit the bill perfectly. I think S, my only other relationship, was more of a narcissist. In my never-to-be-humble but honest opinion.
Here’s what I just read about a narcissist in a relationship, from Emmagc75’s blog Recovering from Narcissistic Abuse. ( https://emma75love.wordpress.com/2015/12/11/recovering-from-narcissistic-abuse-2/ )
“People with narcissistic traits are known for targeting intelligent, self-sufficient, empathic individuals as partners. They tend to lack core identity (Brown, 2013), and need narcissistic supply to fill their empty psyches. Narcissistic supply comes mostly in the form of adulation, adoration, and attention, but any sort of feedback allows the individual with narcissistic qualities to feel alive (including negative attention). ”
I don’t know about Betty Boop, but I am intelligent enough to be self-sufficient, and empathetic (which is why I feel his energy so acutely at times). I am sure I filled S’s need for adoration and attention. I believe it’s why he could not let go of me. I can’t say my ex thrived on adoration, because I didn’t adore him, but I did S.
And those of us who have been involved with someone like this, have a hard time getting over it because not only do we have to deal with a “fake relationship” but we have to deal with emotional and possibly sexual abuse. There’s usually a good bit of post-traumatic stress thrown in there.
And yes, having sex with us both for months without us knowing about the other, is sexual and emotional abuse. It feels like rape, to be honest. Telling me that he was going to be with her, and then refusing to let me go, trying to get me to see him, to have sex with him, continuing intimate conversations when he was “with” someone else (even though he denied that he was with her, he only admitted that he slept with her once a week, making it sound like he was just getting laid….) is sexual and emotional abuse. Denying her to me, and hiding me from her, is emotional abuse of both of us, in two ways. It is a lie, but it is also betrayal of the relationship he had with either of us, to deny it to the other. The narcissist disappears for hours or days. He is unreliable, read that, lies.
The thing is, he didn’t just do it to me. He did it to her too. So…while it’s obviously personal, he devastated me, now I can see that that’s who he is. He didn’t give me special treatment, he didn’t single me out….he gave it to her too. He acted it out differently with each of us. He had a long history with her, which differentiated how he abused her from how he abused me. He’s probably done something similar to every other woman in his life, all of whom he claimed “hurt” him. He used to say, “how could I have been so wrong about her (Betty)?” Oh that’s funny, when he was the one who had sex with her (former) best friend and caused the break-up during which I met him. Did he think she would stay? Geezus.
Which is, just, Wow. The man walks through life devastating people who innocently and lovingly buy into his bullshit, and then claims he’s been hurt. I remember him saying to me when all the lies and deception were exposed, but Betty didn’t know yet, how he was hurt too. That’s just funny, really. HE was hurt? OMG, I feel so sorry for him, lol. He lies and deceives two women who loved him, and speaking only for myself, beyond limit and reason, and when both women refused to play his game, he is hurt. OMG. It’s like theater of the absurd. I have to laugh, now.
God, he has no idea what hurt is. NONE. He’s incapable of that much emotion. You can’t set yourself up knowingly to fail, and then cry about it.
But still….I feel sorry for him, because he’s never going to know the joy of real connection in his lifetime. I still don’t know why I feel him so much. And, I am still a believer in the power of unconditional love, (which means, I have to love him in that generic way because we don’t get to pick and choose who we love if we believe in unconditional love and it’s those who appear to least deserve it that need it the most) and when I feel his energy winding it’s way into my gut, I’ll continue to send him Reiki. He used to talk about going to live in a monastery for 6 months, and I’d laugh….because I couldn’t imagine him going with out sex that long, lol. But it would be a good thing for him to do, with counseling. Maybe he could salvage the remaining years of his life. And stop fucking over people who love him. If there are any left.
They say a narcissist loves attention, and so does a sociopath. Doesn’t matter if it’s positive or negative attention, it’s just attention. It’s just knowing that someone else’s head is wrapped around them. Well…S, this one’s on me. Here’s a bunch of attention for you. I hope you enjoy it.
But really, I hope you take it to heart, and get some help, and learn how to love people and let them love you. There’s so much more to living than playing these childish games. Love always.
Reiki, Gongs and Kokopelli
There were some other notable things that happened yesterday, but I didn’t want to mix them in with my realizations about grief and loss last night. That was such a big deal for me, because I was able to accept that I will feel it, I was able to release some of that and feel free to let my self cry if I need to. I’ve been refusing to cry over him any more. Now I realize that what is left is not about him, but about the emptiness left after the destruction was cleared away from my psyche.
Yesterday I went to lunch at the cove. It was an incredible day for December, it was in the low 60’s, much more like October, or April, than December. The sun was out and I had the windows down on my car, breathing in the fresh clean air. The picture above is one I took while I was there.
But when I got there I felt unsettled, nervous, really out of nowhere. I suspected it was an energy cord from S. I sat with it as best I could. I ate my lunch, I read for a little bit. Finally, I put on some meditation music, lifted my face to the sun with my eyes closed, and decided to send him some reiki. Again, it can’t ever hurt, it’s God-energy and if he doesn’t want it, he won’t get it, but it’s there if he’s open to it. Giving it calms me down, because the same energy that I send, passes through me and works it’s magic. It worked for me, I didn’t feel it any longer after sending it for about 15 minutes. In fact, I was really in a much better space all afternoon at work. I’ve kind of decided whenever I get these cords from him, this is how I’ll deal with it. It is a loving thing to do, which doesn’t attach me to him. And it always helps me.
Then last night when I got home from the gongs at about 9, I stopped at my mailbox and there was a thick padded envelope from Addie. (“A”). I smiled, to see his handwriting on the envelope. He calls me Deborah often, not Deb, and addressed it that way. Inside was a small box, on which he’d drawn a couple of red hearts. Inside was a pendant of Kokopelli in southwestern colors. I love it so much. Kokopelli is such a happy god, and that’s the way I feel often.
But what a wonderful thing to find, and receive, after that rather intense gong bath. Here’s a guy who can love with his whole heart, knowing that the outcome won’t be what he wants, but happy to love anyway. I do love him, so much, because he asks nothing except for me to care about him, which I do. I am so grateful to have him in my life, he is such a contrast to those who would play games, and wreak havoc on people’s lives and their own. He owns his story, he stands in it. He is such a blessing in my life. I don’t know what I did to deserve him, but his friendship is a gift from the universe.
I guess yesterday was a day of growth, and understanding, and love….I figured out a way to deal with S’s energy spikes that is loving and helps me, I understand why it is so hard to get over this relationship, and then as a reward, had Addie’s unconditional love at the end of the day.
Blessed. Just blessed.
Dealing with Grief and Loss from a Relationship
I went to the gong meditation tonight. I picked up my cousin who goes with me, who is going through some family stuff, and she was talking about grief. I don’t like to talk too much about S anymore, because I don’t feel like I’m grieving him, but she was talking about it generically. She said, it’s just grief, Deb, it’s a loss. That’s all, it’s just grief that we have to work through.
During the meditation, what she said was rolling around my head, and my heart. The gongs and crystal bowls facilitated a very deep meditation. I thought how can I be grieving HIM, I mean….after what he did to me, how could I grieve him? Because in all honesty, I don’t think I do any more. I don’t have that visceral pain that I had for the first 30 or 45 days when I thought of him. The pain that would wake me in the middle of the night sobbing into my pillow. The pain that came out in anguished poems, that made me keep texting him, talking to him, even though I knew he was with her, because I knew he’d egg me on, tell me he missed me, tell me to come see him. I had no doubt if I’d allowed it, we would have been naked in bed together in no time. I missed him with ever fiber of my being, and it hurt.
But after 4 or 6 weeks, I had somehow moved out of that pain, it no longer seared my heart to think about him, or him with her even worse. I did what I had to do to heal myself, and began to move on. When the depth of the lies and betrayal became known, I just wanted to get away from it all. And did….have not talked to him since, and I know for a fact I don’t want that in my life.
But every once in awhile I still get an ache, and I can’t imagine why. But my cousin explained it without trying. There is loss, there was a part of my life that was full, it was rich for awhile, and now there’s nothing there. It’s like a hole in my heart that he used to fill, and now he doesn’t, but neither does anything else.
Grief. Loss. This is what takes the longer time to heal. The pain and betrayal we can rationalize, we can know it was wrong, that it hurt, we can learn a lesson and go on. The general grief and loss, the hole that is left empty when you lose someone you loved, I guess has to be filled with something else. A passion for someone or something else.
I pour it out in my writing, I have been working hard at work, mindfully, to keep my mind busy. I have been talking to friends, reading, trying to fill the space, taking care of my house, trying to love and appreciate the people who are in my life. But I think it’s a slow go. That’s the wound that’s hard to heal, it just has to fill with the light, and the light will shrink it til it’s gone, I guess. But it’s a process. It will just take time.
So I’ll keep going to the gongs and searching for the light to fill that hole. Tonight I continued with the Breathe in Love, Breath out Scott. I also did the Ho’onopono (I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you) to myself, for the hole in my heart put there by choices I made. I started thinking about all the people I know that have real issues to deal with and started saying it for them.
The gongs crescendo, the tsunami of sound, and I was crying, releasing the tears that I refuse to cry anymore. They weren’t for him, they were for me.
It’s just loss now. It’s grief and loss for something I had that now I don’t. I know Scott thinks it’s my fault I feel it, because I insisted he tell her. But the loss happened long ago, it started over the summer during the weight of lies I was sitting in, it happened the day he told me he was going to be with her, it happened every day that he tried to engage me, after I knew about her and I had to say no. Then it was covered up with anger, when I found out the depth of his betrayal and deception, and covered up by disgust, when I realized he did it to two of us, juggling our hearts in some cruel game.
But the anger is gone, the pain is gone. Now there’s just loss to deal with, and to grieve. I’ll let it come, and I’ll grieve, and I’ll fill my heart with loving people who need it, and want it. That hole will be filled with gold one day, golden light.
Change Is In The Morning Breeze
I’m running late today. I had to shut down and reboot my new laptop this morning, the keyboard wouldn’t work. I miss my old Sony Vaio, lol, never one problem in 5 years.
Thinking about change this morning, starting anew. Change is the only constant in life. I feel like maybe the past is in the past now, like maybe it’s settled down and won’t be blindsiding me with hurt or anger or regret anymore. The picture seems pretty complete. I can see what happened, I can see why, what caused S to do what he did. I’m able to feel sad for him but unattached. Not sad for the state he’s in presently, because it is a situation he created and obviously was supposed to happen because it did. I’m sad for his inability to deal with the emotional demons that caused him to do what he did. I hope now that he has some time for introspection, he will take it, and take care of that inner child who was acting out so destructively. I hope he can find the light that I always saw in him. It’s still there. Just because he’s covered it in layers of darkness, doesn’t mean it’s not still burning.
I’ve had a few conversations with a couple of men who seem nice, normal, not self destructive. I am hopeful. I am not needy. I have a life, a good life. Tonight I have a gong meditation, and it will be the first time in a very long time I’m going without some ridiculous drama I am dealing with. I wonder where it will go, when I’m not looking for a specific answer to something. Saturday I am going to a cookie swap with my bff at her sister’s house. Not that I need cookies, but it will be fun to do something Christmasy.
The weekend is supposed to be warm here, 60°, which is absolutely crazy and unheard of in December here. We are much more likely to be below freezing and have snow on the ground. We have had two very severe winters back to back, so this mild weather is a reprieve for sure. We can only hope it lasts til March.
Change, sometimes chaotic, and sometimes just like an tide on a windless day, just coming and going out on a smooth sea. Just accept and embrace it. The universe knows what it’s doing.
I Was Mistaken
An old and favorite song of mine. “Laughing” by David Crosby. I was, absolutely, mistaken.
I thought I met a man,
Who said he knew a man,
Who knew what was going on.
I was mistaken
Only another stranger that I knew
I thought I found a light to guide me through my night
And all this darkness
I was mistaken
Only reflections – of a shadow that I saw
And I thought I’d seen someone
Who seemed at last
To know the truth
I was mistaken
It was only a child – laughing – in the sun
Ah! In the sun
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