Daybreak, with a small crescent moon and one star in the sky. Is it Venus? I don’t know. Promises to be another beautiful, unusual December day.
Not much to say this morning. Waiting, I feel like I’m waiting, for the next phase of my life to begin. I am sick of work, sick of trying to make sense of the nonsensical. But I’m grateful, still…for all my blessings. Like this beautiful morning.
Peace, everyone. Love and light.
Christmas lights twinkle, and I sit here alone again, watching The Voice, my solitude broken by my son’s intermittent energy erupting into the family room. I am ok alone, I always have been.
When I was married, I loved being alone. At least for the last 10 years. To have peace in the house, not to be dealing with the alcoholic temper, not to be worrying at least for a little while, what was going to set him off on one of his crazy tangents.
My ex is in a bed of his own making. Renting the tiny cottage next door to the house we lived in for 30 years, he lived there for almost 40. But it was not too big a change in his address, just one number. One number in his phone number. And he can still look out in the morning and see the lake. I don’t think I could do that, though, see my old house every day that I lost in foreclosure. I’d want to get away. But he never did what one might expect. I’ve known him for 46 years. I’ve seen the changes that took over him little by little, and turned him into someone I just didn’t love anymore. I’m not surprised, but saddened at his state.
It still is hard for me to to reconcile the S of the last 8 months with who I thought he was. I mean, yeah, it’s in my face, and no I don’t want him in any way. Just seems so incongruous. I guess there was always a hint of it, but when he did the prison whore, he couldn’t wait to get it off his chest. He came to my house and stood up and talked about it, which I know was hard for him, until I understood enough of where he was to believe it was an anomaly and let him back into my life.
But this….he just lied and deceived two women who adored him for so long, for so many months. Daily, hourly with me, lies. He knew, he absolutely knew, that we didn’t want any part of a triangle. I guess I shouldn’t speak for Betty, but from all Scott told me, she didn’t. He knew for sure that I didn’t. He once talked about swinging when he was younger… I just looked at him, like how? How did you do that?
He used to say he wasn’t jealous, and if I had sex with someone else he wouldn’t be jealous. Only if I loved someone else. But when I was with A for the short time after the prison whore, and I was coming home from Florida and A was picking me up at the airport, S asked me not to let him sleep with me. And A fully expected to, he was picking me up at midnight. I hadn’t seen Scott in about a month, maybe longer, but I’d thought only about him when I was in Florida. We made plans to get together the day after I came back. I said, we won’t have sex if he does. S said, “sleeping with someone is pretty intimate.” So, he pretended he wasn’t jealous to himself, but it was just a shell. He didn’t want anyone else to be with his woman, whoever it might be. At least, that’s the guy he showed me.
I don’t remember a break in our texting all summer on Saturday nights when he was with B. Not until I knew about her. Then I would hear from him Saturday morning til early afternoon and then Sunday when he was alone. But all summer…I don’t remember thinking where is he, why won’t he answer me, on Saturday night. He must have taken his phone in the bathroom, or waited til Betty was out of the room. We’d be texting and sexting as normal….
Damn, he was good. Gutsy. But in the end, I’m free of him. I had nothing but a heart and soul full of love for him to get out of my system. I mean, no long term plans. Just more desire than I’ve ever had for anyone. Oh he talked about visiting me in Florida, how much he’d like that, but that was bs, just idle talk to draw me in, if he was with her. He couldn’t have taken a week off, lol. I was so angry he wouldn’t go with me in June, after he’d been looking at airfares and making plans. He would say are you still mad about that? “Yes”, I’d say for weeks after. “It was stupid. We could have had so much fun. My sister lives in friggin’ paradise (2 blocks from the gulf, with a fenced in yard with lagoon pool) and it would have cost air fare. We’d have had it alone. Skinny dipping in the pool, walking the beach at night, we could have found a secluded spot to….” And he’d go silent, because he couldn’t tell me the real reason, he thought I’d buy his bullshit story. I never did. But I sure didn’t think he was with her….
She and I will be ok. B is attractive, she will find a man who can be faithful to her. I know right now she thinks she’ll never love again, but she will. I think I can too. I don’t think all that many men in their 60’s are interested in seeing how many women they can have. Most of us are sick to death of games by this age.
Oh well. Don’t know why I’m going here tonight. Just still trying to see the man as he was, trying to put the pieces together still. I don’t know why. It’s simple. He is good at what he does, he fooled me, and he fooled her. I think, in hindsight, he was probably the biggest fool of all though.
Peace out. Love and light to all.
In gratitude this morning. I awoke early as usual, about 5:15. I felt peace, for a lovely change. No angst over the past, no worry about the future.
I have a ring with a large larimar stone. This is the stone of the Caribbean, it’s only found there. It’s metaphysical properties are tranquility of sea and air to the heart and mind. It is supposed to soothe and uplift hurt, fear, depression, pain of life and changes, with love. I bought the ring in St. Thomas when I took my son on a cruise when he graduated from high school.
The day I was decorating my house for Christmas, at about 5 PM I looked at my ring and the stone had fallen out somewhere. I had no idea when or where. I had been digging in boxes of ornaments, and decorations, doing laundry, cleaning, run an errand to the drugstore. I dug through the boxes I’d been in but to no avail. While I was sad it was gone, I had a feeling that it would just turn up somewhere. I don’t know why, I wasn’t frantic, I just thought it would.
Two days later I was at work, and my son called me, that he’d found my stone in the washing machine! It fell out while I loaded the sheets into the washer. Now I just have to reset it into the setting and I’ll have my ring back.
This is how I am feeling about my life right now. It isn’t perfect, but what I want I know is going to come. And I can let go of the angst, at least for today. The angst, and all the other negative emotions that the last 6 months have brought me, I just let go. I almost brought the drama back into my life this weekend, but it wasn’t supposed to happen and didn’t. I am so grateful for that I can’t even express it. I am so grateful to have a wonderful life to just settle into, and know that if I just believe, the things I want will manifest. It has always been so, and will always be.
I remember during my divorce, thinking every day, that what I wanted had already happened, it just had not manifested yet. I feel this now….the things I want, in the vast expanse of the universe in which there is no space and time, have already happened. They are waiting for the perfect time to manifest. I know they are coming.
Breathe in love. Breathe out all that no longer serves you.
And believe….just believe.
I have been asking myself all day, “What were you thinking yesterday?”
Thank God, thank God, that he did not answer my text. THAT was the universe watching out for me. Knowing that my heart can be soft, too soft for my own good. Geezus. It’s closed up tight again in his direction. Open in all others.
I have all of his texts from back in September before I knew about her at all, through the week prior, to the weekend he told me he was going to be with her, to the most recent after finding out he’d been with her all summer. And all the ones in between breaking up and finding this out.
We texted a LOT. Like every day, morning, noon and night. Even when I wasn’t seeing him, most days we were still communicating. He was still trying to convince me to be in his life, while she was in it. I didn’t do it, thank God, I kept that small dignity. I kept that small amount of self-respect.
But re-reading those texts today….The sheer volume of bold-faced, -look-you-in-the-eye lies that he was capable of just pissed me off again. I mean, seriously. I can’t even imagine the lies he told her. The realizations she had to face. I think because I had let go of the anger, and felt sorry for him. Even A feels sorry for him, even A says, “he needs our prayers. I just went from hating him to pitying him.” And S has caused a lot of pain for A with those lies.
He’s right, S is to be pitied. That he continued right up til she got my letter to lie, to me, to her. When someone lies that much, they have no self-respect, no self-love. They don’t believe they are worth the breath it takes to keep them alive. (Which is probably why he smokes when he has COPD.)
So, tonight on the way home, I was still in re-anger at his ability to look me in the eye and lie. And then I thought about my blog this morning, and half way home just did a “driving” meditation. Breathe in love. Breathe out Scott.
So, ok, I am not angry. He is his own worst enemy. I pity him. But yesterday, I might have invited him back into my life. OMG. I am so glad he didn’t answer, and I got a reprieve from the universe. To invite that madness back in, with no evidence that he learned ANYTHING, except that he underestimated me. And that’s a maybe. He’s still probably trying to figure out why he couldn’t get away with it.
The truth always outs. I didn’t go researching, I didn’t try to figure it out. I just knew that a lie will show up, because it’s an anomaly in the universe. The universe thrives on truth and love and a lie is like rotten apple, the universe will just throw it out and right it.
So, maybe he blocked me and didn’t get it. Maybe he got it and ignored it. Whatever it was, GOOD. I can’t imagine Betty will ever forgive him. I at least got to absorb it in pieces, she had to face it all at once, in a tsunami of undeniable truth. I have a feeling they were making plans to retire together. That’s why the urgent need for him to finish the work on his house, so he could sell it, probably move in with her. (He told me she had terrible credit, that’s why he’d had to buy a car for her, and she was going to pay him back. I guess when he screwed her best friend he got the car back… because it’s the one he drove.Of course, that could have been a lie too.) So, I think she had a lot at stake here besides a boyfriend.
He screwed me over, but I’m very independent, and didn’t need him for anything. I just wanted him, but I can want someone else. Just think this may have fouled their plans for retirement. Well….he didn’t want it that bad, or he would have let me go last spring. He played it to the hilt, to the moment he knew she was going to get my letter.
As for me…I can forgive. Right now. I’m not even mad anymore. But forget? Invite that lunacy back into my life? No fucking way. LOL. Yes, I feel strongly about it.
Thank you Universe, for cutting me some slack, and doing what was for my highest good. Blessed, just blessed.
It was quiet by the ocean yesterday. There were other people in the park, couples walking their dogs, or walking the walking paths, kids flying kits. Not many on the beach though. maybe a half dozen. I was alone, a few people were alone as well.
The park is an old estate, complete with a 40 room mansion, now used mostly for weddings. I went to one there once, we were walking around the mansion, pretending we were actors in Downtown Abbey. There are all kinds of formal gardens, and one has a statue of a Buddha in it. Usually when I go, I offer something from the sea to the Buddha, a pretty stone or shell. I did so yesterday too, and set it down with the intention of letting go.
I had done something others might feel was foolish before I went. S used to talk a lot about when a relationship ends wanting closure. I had been feeling that I wished it didn’t end so ugly, though I don’t know what other outcome there could have been, when there were so many lies and deceptions, all by him.
But I texted him, just saying I would be there, if he’d like to talk, and get some closure. I didn’t have any expectation that he’d come, I didn’t really care if he came. I have had a feeling that he’s a wreck, I thought it might be something he needed. But there was no answer, which is answer enough in itself. I won’t ask again. It was for him, not for me. And really, what closure would there be? He probably blames me that he’s lost Betty, not himself. I doubt very much that at this late date, he is ever going to own his story, this story, that he created to fail.
It makes me sad for him, but it’s his journey. I wash my hands of it. If he wants to reach me he knows how. But since he didn’t respond to the text, I’m pretty sure he won’t try, at least not for a long time.
In the meantime, I am loving having a drama-free life. I didn’t realize the toll it was taking on me. There was constant never ending drama, even before the breakup. There was him always wanting to see me for a few hours, me fighting it, me wanting him, me trying to understand what was going on. I was spending so much time and energy on him. And now, I have a lot of time and energy for myself, my son, my home, my friends, and who knows what else. It’s like breathing again.
A has been in constant communication with me from Santa Fe. He was dating a woman who a couple weeks ago decided they would just be friends, which he was ok with. Then asked him to her hot tub. He was going to go. Then he sent her by accident a picture of himself, meant for me. It was just his normal good morning sweet Deb picture, but she took exception to it, though he says she knew about me, and also, that they were just friends. Then yesterday she told him he wasn’t giving her enough attention or courting her properly….
He said, this is way too confusing. Too much drama. I’m afraid this is goodbye.
I kind of felt bad for him, but really…she sounds like she had mixed emotions, and was so inconsistent. He was fine, but a little frustrated, confused by it. I think I helped him understand it a little, and I was glad to be there for him. He has talked me down so many times. He asked if my life was still drama-free, and I was happy to tell him yes.
I do miss S, from time to time. But I always remember him before last spring, when she came back. When I remember what transpired between last spring and now….it is easy to walk away from it, and put it all behind me. I’m still looking, but I have the feeling that the man I’m looking for will be in Florida when I move there.
Just some introspective thoughts today. Morning meditation: Breathe in love. Breathe out Scott. Whatever remains, let it go.
Love and light.
PS The picture at the top I took yesterday. It is where I own a boat slip. It reminds me to keep my perspective on what a small part of my journey the last 18 months really is.
A stiff southwest wind blows.
My heart remembers
What my mind wants to forget.
The waves calm and nurture.
Vast expanse of azure sky and indigo sea
Reminds me of my place here
In this world.
It reminds me that this moment
Now
Is only an infinitesimal part
Of the whole.
What attachment should I then have?
Knowing that each moment
Each place
Each person
Can bring joy.
I surrender
I let go.
What was
Is no more.
What will be
Is not yet.
Only now,
And the sky
And the sea.
Sleep did not evade me last night! I got about 8 hours, albeit broken by waking up every couple of hours. But I got back to sleep pretty easily without Ambien. Yay!
My energy is my own this morning, and that feels good. No angst, except about how I’m going to do everything I want to do and still maybe get to the shoreline, lol. Grocery shopping first, my fridge is so bare! And putting the outside lights up, which shouldn’t take all that long. I promised my son I’d make cookies too.
The shore is about 45 minutes from me, which means an hour and a half drive time. Maybe an hour there. Maybe take a pad of paper and my kindle, read and write. Or just use my phone to write. I think I need to go. Need those negative ions that blow off the water and connect to my soul. The endless sky and water, and the islands, the places of my dreams that are also places I have some warm memories of.
I have some memories of S at the place I would go. (That’s a pic of it at the top of the page.) Our first date, which ended because the park closed. We spent the whole day together there by the water, just walking and talking. It is also the place where he first told me he wanted to be alone, it was last spring, and figure out what he needed to do with his life. He said, “I think I’m gonna break your heart again.” I answered with a smile, “Again?” We walked on the beach, we sat at a picnic table, we walked around the park and talked. I didn’t get upset, at all. I remember he was turned around as to where he was in relation to the water and the islands, and insisted that one island was another. These were the waters I lived on, on my boat, for 30 years, so I told him when we walked up on a ridge he’d see I was right. And of course I was. I laughed and said, “See….here you have a woman who knows the waters around here like the back of her hand and you don’t want her…” He looked at me and said, “It’s never been a question of not wanting you.”
I asked if it was a temporary or a permanent break, he said “I didn’t think temporary was an option.” I told him that I think he probably needs to do it, and if he wanted he could just check in with me when he felt like it, let me know how he’s doing.
Obviously, that was all because Betty was back in his life, I know now. Why he didn’t want to tell me the truth I don’t know. But at any rate, when I didn’t get upset and just was a friend to him, he asked me if I wanted to come over for dinner (which never meant just dinner). So much for not seeing me anymore. I said to him, “you just said you wanted to be alone….” He said, “but I like you so much when you’re like this….” Lol.
I do think he had a soft spot for me, and in some warped way wanted to keep me in his life, while he kept her. It’s just too bad that he couldn’t own the truth with me. He could have kept me in his life if he had, as a friend. If he could own what he’s done now, we might be friends again. I never could hold a serious grudge. Even for this, if he’s learned his lesson and can stop lying to me. I would never be intimate with him again, but we could at least talk, he could still make me laugh. Maybe. If he could own his story, and stand up and be counted.
Of course, he may be holding a grudge with me, for making him tell her, for bringing the truth out. But I think, really, he knows that it’s his own actions that caused the situation. Not the fact that I insisted the truth be on the table.
At any rate, I don’t feel like I’d be triggered into anything if I go there. I feel like it’s all a story of my past now. Distance and time have given me back my own life.
Time for me to get my day underway, if I really want to get everything done today.
The “S” energy stabilized today, for the most part. Thankfully. There was some sadness, kind of being a little depressed, but that might have just been me, because I didn’t sleep much, I’m tired, I had a lot to do. It wasn’t strong, I didn’t investigate. Just let it be and let it go. It seems to be all gone. The Reiki also probably was working on me that I sent him last night. The cool thing about giving Reiki is that you get it when you give it, as it passes through you. I hope it helped him, if he needed it.
Actually feeling myself today as the day wore on. Like seeing reality, and being happy taking care of my house, and making a nice meal for my son and I. Got my kitchen really cleaned today, cleaned out the fridge of all the uneaten Thanksgiving leftovers. Got my floors done, my own bedroom cleaned and sheets changed. I’m really tired, but I think I’ll sleep tonight without the Ambien. I ended up taking one at 1:30 last night, trying to shake off the worries that weren’t even mine.
I finally talked to my bff about the group she’s putting together to help seniors. It’s called “Sisters for Seniors”. She’s looking for people who are willing to visit seniors once a week or so, that are living at home, but don’t see people often, and can’t really get out on their own. Mostly, for the human connection. I can offer a couple of hours on a weekend. During the week is hard, because I work such long days. But we’ll see. She’s just getting it started, so she doesn’t have a list of people yet. I think I’ll look for other opportunities to give back over the Christmas vacation too. I need to be doing something outside of myself.
Not sure about going to the shore tomorrow, even though it will be a beautiful day. I guess I’ll see how I feel in the morning, and then decide. It might be a good day to find seaglass on the beach, since not a lot of people will have been walking the beach this time of year picking it up. I have a dish of seaglass, but I also like to use it for jewelry. I have a piece of purple glass, which I wire-wrapped a long time ago. Found it on Cuttyhunk Island. Anyway, now that I know how to wire-wrap better, I may redo it.
I may stay home and put up my outside Christmas lights, and take a walk with a friend. I could use the exercise. But then….the salt air….idk. I’ll see. Nice choices to have.
Feeling all over the place this morning. Trying to put this stuff in some kind of random order, so I know where I am.
I went out with a friend last night. First time I have been out in ages, maybe since S and I split up. It was good for me. We went to a little Italian restaurant and sat at the bar. It’s in a small town on the Connecticut River. A band began to play at 9, and opened with Van Morrison’s “Into the Mystic”, which is one of my favorite songs of all time. Then they did Van Morrison’s “Caravan”. Also love that. Love Van Morrison. Then they did 2 Neil Young songs, “Old Man” and “Heart of Gold”. Love him too.
It’s been AGES since I listened to live music. They were pretty good too, and funny between songs. They could have used a sax on the Van Morrison stuff but it was still great. I was sitting in my bar stool, singing along, kind of seat dancing to it. I laughed when they played Tom Petty “I Won’t Back Down” because the first time I saw a psychic, I was battling with S over his offers of a “nice afternoon”, aka a physical relationship. And the spirits and guides that showed up, the psychic said, came in singing that song. She, the psychic, had never met me before, and only knew my first name. She said, “they’re singing Stand your ground, don’t back down.” My friends kept looking at me while she was telling me this, we had just discussed this on the way to the psychic in the car.
So here I was listening to this music, first “Into the Mystic” which S always said was his favorite Van Morrison song, and Neil Young. One night S and I watched a 2 hour special on Neil Young. I remember laying in his bed one afternoon listening to a Neil Young CD, such a pleasant afternoon. And then “I Won’t Back Down” which made me laugh. Lots of his energy hanging around me.
It was around all day yesterday, I was feeling his energy. Strongly in the morning, not so much in the afternoon. Then last night at about 1:30 I was wide awake and had some very strong feelings from him. I fought with myself not to do what I would have done 2 or 3 months ago and sent him a text asking if he was ok, or wanted to talk. It felt panicky. But I didn’t. I knew that doing that would end up in the wrong place, would be taken wrong. And just because I feel it, doesn’t mean he wanted to talk to me. If he did, or does, want to talk to me, he knows how to reach me. I let him deal with it himself, and finally got to sleep by sending him reiki to calm him down energetically. Of course, he didn’t ask, but if he doesn’t want the reiki energy he won’t get it. It will just hang outside his aura. It can never hurt…. I felt everything calming finally, maybe it just calmed me. But anyway, I got 4 or 5 hours of sleep finally.
Thinking of going to the shore this weekend. We are having exceptional weather for December. Sunny, not too cold. I need to put up a notice at the yacht club to try to sell my boat slip, and I haven’t been to the water for a long long time. It would do me a lot of good. Maybe take a sandwich over to the park where S and I had our first date. It’s a beautiful place. I don’t think it would trigger anything bad, but would bring some peace. Maybe tomorrow, it’s going to be close to 60°, which is crazy here in December.
So it’s all good. I’ll get a lot of stuff done around the house today, make a nice dinner for my son and I. Maybe catch up with some friends. Just a nice quiet life.
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