The Color of Lies

Posted on by learning to live like water

  

 Sun sparkles off the water

Gleams in the corner of my eye. 

I remember days like this at the beach 

With him. 

Counting the boats. 

Seeing sundogs

Watching the windsurfers. 

Reaching for him

Him for me

In the solitude

Breath escaping like blue smoke into the cold air. 

That was before. 

Before she came back 

And he took her, 

Without letting go of me

Hanging me out in the cold air

With my memories. 

I wish they weren’t tainted now

With the color of lies, 

I wish something could have remained that I could have held on to

As real. 

The color of a lie is so strong,  

so bold

Casting a pall on all of it. 

Shadows where there was sun. 

The excruciating pain is gone now, 

There’s just a dullness covering the things that had given me joy. 

The color of lies took him away, just as boldly as she did. 

I guess the color of lies took him from her too, in the end. 

Choices

Posted on by learning to live like water

I had an unusual conversation with A last night.  He had taken a “good morning” pic of himself in his bathrobe, and said something like “Good morning sweet Deb” or something, but sent it to the woman who he’s been seeing in Santa Fe by mistake.  It was not risque, it’s something he does every day.  But, of course, it did not make her happy…..

I felt bad for her, really, and for him.  He likes her, and I’m sure it would be hard for her to understand our intimate but non-sexual relationship.  I asked him about the other woman up in Michigan, and he said she was off with her “other” boyfriend.   He’s thinking he’s not going to try to be monogamous.   The woman in Michigan is obviously not, the woman in Santa Fe obviously wants to be, but apparently that picture ended it between them.

I told A I could never NOT be monogamous, I can’t do casual sex.  I said, “S would have been happy if I could have done it.”  LOL.  Personally, I don’t see A as the casual sex type, and in fact, I’m pretty sure if I agreed to have a relationship with him that way, he would be completely faithful to me.  I think if he falls in love again, he will be monogamous.  I think he’s just craving affection right now, reacting to the fact that I had to shut down the plans to get together over Christmas.  I know I broke his tender heart again.  I had to be honest.  Maybe it was too soon for me, but I think it was just chemistry.  I have tried before to feel passion for him, and I sometimes feel it but it never lasts.  I want to feel it for someone like I did for S, every day, every moment.  I want to be enough for the person I feel like that about, and he will be enough for me.

I don’t want to share, I don’t do it.  Don’t want to even know how to do it.  S once told me I can change myself so I’m not so jealous.  I said, I don’t want to…..I see no benefit in it.  S felt every relationship was different, what he had with one person he could never have with another, so he wasn’t sharing.   No, except his body.  His intimacy.  Probably his thoughts and feelings.  The things that make a relationship special, and wonderful, to have one person who knows you and cares for you, and has your back.

Nope, not interested in multiple partners.

But the difference between A and S is that A will tell a woman up front, that she is not the only one.  He won’t pretend to two women that they are the only ones, and then do what he wants, the way S did.  A will give a woman a choice first, if she wants to be with him when he might be with someone else.  Neither me or Betty was given that choice, we were taken by deception.

A can stand in his truth and be himself, and own his story.  S cannot.

A has never been anything but monogamous.  I don’t think this choice will last for him anyway.  I think he’s just looking for affection til he finds love.

Interesting, though.  To compare A’s telling me this, honestly, and S playing me (and Betty) for the same end.  I wish he’d been honest with me.  That’s all.  So I could have chosen to have done what I did with  him, knowing the truth, or chosen not to.  But he took my choice away with lies and deception.  We cannot even be friends now, the truth would have at least salvaged a friendship.  It’s too bad that he chose that road.  It’s too bad that he still has not owned it, at least with me.

He will say he has.  He said he will pay 5 lifetimes for what he did to me.  But that statement is about him….how it affects him.  It has nothing to do with acknowledging how it affected me.  It is about how he will pay, not about how I already paid the price for loving him so much.  He’s sorry because he will have to pay.  He’s not sorry that I had to deal with lies and betrayal by someone I completely adored.  He can’t feel my pain, he can only feel his own.  I would guess he feels his own pain with Betty too, but I doubt that he can feel the real pain that he caused her with is lies and deception too.

I have managed to pick myself up, on my own.  To take the hand of the universe, and my friends, and stand back up, dust myself off, bandage and care for my own wounds.  S caused utter devastation and walked away from it, uncaring, unfeeling.  Truth be told he did that with Betty too.  He called her on the phone to tell her, he couldn’t go to her house and face her pain. I told him to go sit with her while she read the hard truths in my letter to her, and face her pain, and deal with it. To let her see him deal with it.  But he didn’t.  He left her alone, to deal with it by herself, as he did me once the truth came out.

At least he treated us equally.

Any way, my feeling is when you choose not to be monogamous, especially physically, you open the door to pain and hurt.  At least, you have to be like A and say it up front, and let someone have free will and choice in whether or not they wish to be with you.  I would always choose not to be with someone who was with other women.  Always.  I should have been given that choice with S.

 

A Long, Busy, Happy Day

Posted on by learning to live like water

Been a long busy day.  I didn’t stop for 5 minutes all day, except for lunch.  a 9 hour work day, plus an hour drive time.  But lunch was lovely.  I went to my spot at the cove on the Connecticut River, pulled up to the water, and read, watched the seagulls, listened to the wind on the water, and even did a 5 minute meditation.

I was in a good mood all day.  It was sunny (it’s been raining for 2 days here), and not cold yet, which is such a blessing.  It’s been exactly 2 weeks since the big drama, and I feel my blood pressure going down daily (not that it’s ever high.  I have pretty low blood pressure, happily.) My psyche is becoming my own again, I’m much more in balance than any time in the last 6 or 8 months.  I’m not obsessing over some man who was never going to offer me what I needed, or wanted.  I see him….I have always seen him.  I forgive him.  And I’m done with him.  Of course, sometimes I miss talking to him, that was just fun, but it always led to heartbreak, so when I remember that, I can let go of missing him pretty quick.  And easily.

Healing completely just takes time.  But I do believe Rumi is right, the wound is where the light enters us.  And I do believe that what results will be more beautiful than it was.

Out of the Darkness, Into the Sun

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Happy this morning.  A is fine, I got my “goodnight sweetie.  I love you.”  He feels bad he left his phone at home, and he banged his head with a floorboard and has a big bandaid on his forehead.  But he’s safe and whole, and I’m relieved.

Looking forward to the day.  Making some new friends on here, and elsewhere.  Future looks bright, continuing to be drama free.  I still get the energy vibe from S, I am getting good at recognizing it, and it’s not that I ignore it, its just that I know he needs to work through this himself.  He kept telling me he wanted to be alone, and even though it was an excuse so he could see Betty and keep me, now it’s true for him, so I hope he makes use of the time.  Could be that what he said, the lie, was closer to the truth of his soul.  He set his life up to fail, and bring him where he is.  He manifested the state he’s in.   I hope he comes out of it better, stronger, wiser, kinder, and more whole.  I hope the child who steers that riverboat makes it to the distant shore.

Most of us know that great beauty can be borne of tragedy.  I sincerely hope he can find it.   I think I’m well on my way, to creating a more beautiful life out of the tragedy of loving him.  The picture at the top made me think of this.  There are 3 hands, one for me, for him, for Betty. And the bird, flying….we reach for it, to fly with it.  I know it’s carrying me now.  I hope its carrying them too.  Out of the darkness, into the sun.

Life is good.  Love and light.

He’s Found

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I messaged A’s step-daughter on FB, and she had been thinking the same thing.  I said maybe he lost his phone…

Anyway, she contacted his son’s gf on fb, they are friends, and got the son’s number and called him.  A forgot his phone, and they worked late…

So, he’s fine, and I had a nice catch up conversation with his daughter, so it’s all good.

I may not be “in love” with A, not the way I was with S, but I just adore that man.  I love having him in my life.  He is my reminder that men can be honest, and vulnerable and love with their whole hearts.    Sometimes I wish he was closer, and here with me, and sometimes I know I couldn’t sustain it.  But I don’t know if it’s the chemistry, or that my heart is fairly closed at the moment.  So it’s perfect as it is with him.

Relieved.  Sigh.

 

A Little Worried

Posted on by learning to live like water

I am worried about A.  I have not heard from him since this morning, and that’s totally unusual.  Usually we touch base at some point during the day.  And always by now….I sent him a text asking if he’s ok.

He’s working on his house, every day all day.  The last thing I said to him was “Be safe.  Ttyl”  He answered, “will do.  Only small amounts of explosives.”  (That was a joke….)  I’m really concerned.  This is not normal for him.  I don’t have his son’s number.

I’m friends with his wife’s daughter on FB, but she’s in Florida and doesn’t hear from him as much as I do.  I may give her a buzz if I don’t hear soon, because she might at least have A’s son’s number.  His son might call her if something happened.

At 69 he’s no spring chicken though he works like a dog.  They’ve been ripping apart the inside of the house.   Taking walls down, installing new bathroom fixtures, new floors.  He sends me pics almost daily.

I sure hope he’s ok.  He’s been my rock.  I don’t even want to go there….But he’s not the kind of guy who just disappears.  He loves to be connected.  Say a prayer that he turns up whole.

 

On Being An Aging Hippie

Posted on by learning to live like water

Yesterday I ran an errand on lunch then sat in my car and ate, listening to my old rock and roll on my phone. I had the door open for a moment and a co-worker walked by and said “loud enough?”  I think it was maybe Neil Young singing Heart of Gold. I said “what?”  Lol. He laughed and repeated himself… It’s a joke between us, I’ve worked with him over 10 years and my hearing is bad in one ear. 

But the music would have been loud anyway.   I looked at him and said “you know I’m an aging hippie!!!”  
Of which I’m quite proud. 😊 Since I discovered things like meditation, sound and vibrational healing though, I leave the drugs out of my life. I was at a gong bath one night and finally made it back into the room when it was over. Sitting in front of me was one of the facilitators and I said to her, “Geezus, if I’d known about this when I was in college I wouldn’t have smoked so much dope!”  She laughed. Let me clarify… We called marijuana dope back in the day, 40 or 45 years ago. My son has told me that “dope” now refers to crack cocaine. I am taking about pot, weed, herb. Not cocaine. 

But really gongs and vibrational healing has taken me deeper and higher than anything else I’ve ever done. 

I notice I’m not the only aging hippie at these events either. 

Just sayin’. Life is good. 

Guilt vs. Shame

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Guilt-vs-shame-1024x744.jpg

I’m unsettled this morning, though I don’t know why.  I’m irritated I broke my tail light lense on something I couldn’t even see in an unlit parking lot.  Backing up and turning.  This morning it’s raining so I’ll have to tape it up with plastic to keep the rain out ofit.  Grr.

I haven’t talked to my bff about her plan to put together some program that will benefit seniors, so I need to do that today.  I know that will help me move forward more than anything.

Last night the book club talked about why people who lie, and take, and deceive do it.  We all had someone in our lives that have done that. Was it for the thrill, for getting away with it?  Was it for the power, to feel “in control” of things?  I said, I really believe in Marianne Williamson’s and A Course in Miracles stand, that what is not love is fear.  And fear gives the ego rise.  The ego will convince someone who has doubt, that they are not worthy.  That the only way they can have people in their life is to manipulate them in, to lie to them.  The belief that you are not worthy of love and belonging, causes shame, it causes the belief that you are not worthy.

And shame…. is the most destructive of all human emotions.  Guilt can be productive, guilt says, “What I did was bad.”  Shame says, “I am bad.”

Those that purport to wish to be alone, like my ex-husband, really only believe they are not worthy of love, and are alone to hide their shame.  Better he should be alone, I guess, than trying to do to someone else what he did to me.  But the best outcome, would be if he could recognize his own worth, the beauty of his own soul, and let it shine.

S said to me, when he was trying to get me to help him with Betty, “I know I will pay 5 lifetimes for what I did to you.”  He doesn’t understand that at any point, even now, he can choose to change, he can own, and apologize and try to make right, and thus learn the lesson that he obviously missed.  Karma isn’t about paying.  It’s about learning the lesson, and if you don’t, you will repeat it, until you do.  The same situations will appear and reappear until you learn the lesson.

S was so similar to my ex, I believe that he showed up in my life to finish teaching the lesson that my ex started.  I hope I’ve learned the whole lesson now.

I think the first part, with my ex, was the power of unconditional love manifested in setting my son free.  The second part was to love yourself with that love, enough to learn not to give yourself away, to make a person earn the trust.  To honor yourself, first, always.

I hope I’m done with this lesson, and with men who can’t love.

The lesson, whatever it may be…..while hard to learn, is such a beautiful thing, and life can change so dramatically when you learn to honor and love yourself, and let that spread to others.

Shame is not necessary.  We all do better when we know better, that’s called evolving.  Guilt, for something you have done wrong, is a message from your soul, telling you to change.

One day at work, someone asked me a to do something that clearly was their job, and clearly not mine, and I was already overwhelmed with the work I had to do.  I very unkindly told this person that it was their job to do, and not to get me involved, etc. etc.  Making them feel stupid, I’m sure.  Even though I was right, I was cruel.  I hung up the phone, (I was in a different part of the building) and within less than a minute realized what I’d done.

I called this person back, and said, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to be such a bitch.

Guilt….made me see what I did to her.  Not shame, I didn’t feel shame that I did it, I felt guilt.  And the guilt drove me to fix it.  My co-worker and I laughed about it later.

I believe the only way to get rid of shame, is to stop listening to the ego tell you you are not worthy, and begin to reconnect with your soul, your true spirit, which in all of us, is connected to the one great thing.  Love. Begin that journey, and watch your life change.

Guess I’m feeling philosophical this morning, lol.  Book club is good for me.

Choose the Good Ones

Posted on by learning to live like water

I had a good day today.  Except for the cracked tail light lens I will now have to replace.  Grrr.

Besides the lovely comment I talked about in my last blog, I had dinner with my book club at a great local restaurant.  We focus on spiritual books.  We just read “Awaken the Spirit Within” by Rebecca Rosen.  We all really liked it.

But when we meet, we mostly just talk, about our lives, and how our reading and learning affects the way we deal with things.  We all come at things from a similar perspective.  We talked tonight about how the random number generators predicted a change in the collective consciousness of humanity before 9-11, and before the Indonesian Tsunami, and the earthquake and tsunami in Japan.  We talked about how incredibly powerful a thought and an intention can be, as evidenced by all of us learning to focus our thoughts so that we could bend forks.  They are solid forks, none of us could do anything with them before we learned how to bend them.

Bent fork

But it really makes you think…..and consider that every thought you have ripples out and affects other things.  Like Mike Dooley says, Thoughts become things, so choose the good ones.

And let the other ones go, as quickly as they come.

A Poignant Comment

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I got the nicest comment today, on a poem I wrote on September 20.  This was written between the time Scott convinced me he wasn’t with her, and they were just talking, “a little”, and when he told me he was going to be with her for the weekend on Saturday, October 3.   He swore it was the first time…

This is the comment:  When i was young, feeling like a former life it was so long ago, i loved poetry. I loved copying others; words. Then I stopped, never to return. Until now, reading this. Thank YOU for completely, totally understanding. This may be my favorite poem of all time.

It actually made me choke up.  We all hope our writing touches someone, that’s at least half the reason we do it, to feel that grand wonderful thing, human connection.  (The other reason I write is to work things out, and send things out into the universe where they can be dealt with for my and everyone’s higher good.  At least, that’s the intention.)  To get this validation, so beautifully, I can’t thank this person enough.  I really needed to read this, and it so eases the pain of what caused me to write the poem in the first place.

The poem is called “Even Though”.  It was written on a Sunday morning.  Scott had offered on Saturday to come see me on Sunday for another “nice afternoon” and I had told him not to come, because that’s all he ever offered and I wanted more, or to be free, released from what had become the bondage of loving him.  So, when I didn’t hear from him the rest of Saturday, I assumed he was mad at me, for refusing him.  Now I know I didn’t hear from him because he was with her.

I obviously knew there was something more wrong, I was obviously searching and obviously in a lot of pain.  And I KNOW he read it, and I know he didn’t care, but thought it was great to have me so in love with him.  This is the poem.

Even Though

My world this morning is unsettled

Yet again.

Dark gray clouds race through the early morning sky,

And a wind from the sea, 30 miles away,

Blowing, fiercely,

Bending trees.

Bending me.

A voice called to me

speaking silently

Asking me for just a small slice of my soul.

It would have been so easy

to acquiesce, to agree.

To pretend, again.

Oh I am so good at pretending

At making up stories

That what isn’t, is.

This time I said, no…..

You can’t have that slice.

Because it will leave a wound

When you are gone.

My heart lately, is tender.

It is covered with small wounds healing.

Wounds inflicted by me

Pretending, for you.

I can’t inflict another.

Even though I love you with all my heart.

Thank you hpy2bme.  Thank you.