More Work

Posted on by learning to live like water

  
All these posts, about healing, letting go, working through the trauma. I’ve said it all so many times. I’m sure S reads  it and thinks yeah she’ll be contacting me soon. 

All my friends say “yeah we’ve heard that before.”  Even my son. 

And I recognize that always after a few days I begin missing him. 

So yeah, the posts are me, trying to convince myself. But this time, there is no going back. There is no “I miss you” message to send. 

The man I loved didn’t exist. He was a construct of my imagination and desire.  Even though I could, and still can, see his soul, the person he covers it with,and uses to deny his true self even to himself, is completely opposite of what I believed he could be, and thought was. I have to remind myself constantly of who he chooses to be, regardless of my belief that he was capable of so much more. 

Some people want to rise to others expectations. Others want to lower yours so they can remain in the place they are comfortable, regardless of its darkness, it chill, starkness, devoid of human compassion. 

There’s a poster on FB, I see all the time that says “be the person your dog thinks you are. “.  Some people try to live up to that expectation. Some people abuse the dog so they can make the dog change its mind.  

S is the second. He tried to change me to become like him. Sex without love. Secrets held dearer than life. Walls, not bridges. 

I am so glad that I refused to change who I was. And in fact, left him many times for just that reason. 

So.. I’ll get through it this time. I won’t become a shell of the person I am for anyone.  He is not insisting this time. He is not sucking me back in for another go round at it. He has Betty Boop and she’s already there with him 

All I would be is an ego boost for him.  He would have kept “sexting” me if I allowed it. He’d even arrange a tryst occasionally if I allowed it.  Of course she’d never know, until he wanted to crush her at some point. 

I’ve been there with him before. He’s good at crushing.  Not so good at nurturing. 

No not going back. Just working through it.  Helps me see through the thinning fog. 

Kintsukuroi. The Art of Repairing

Posted on by learning to live like water

Inspired by Finding My Way Home’s blog.

The other day, I wrote a blog about what did I lose when I lost him.  And the answer was, nothing but a narcissist.  But Finding took it another step, what have I gained.  And I am now doing that.  Because I gained SO much more than I lost.  I should thank him.

What did I gain from the past 3 days?

The truth, Bare  and raw, abrasive and sharp, jagged on the edges,  but the truth.

My self esteem

My authenticity

The absence of a need to hide my relationship from people like my son and my best friend, who were sick to death of watching me go down for the count with this man.

My ability to be joyful.

My friend A.

My new friend Megan

A renewed sense that I am courageous enough to show up, to be seen, to enter the arena with no guarantee of the outcome. (Thank you Brene Brown)

Th knowledge that I could fight my way back, when someone took me out for the count. Again.

The knowledge that every time I get knocked down I gain something.

Th knowledge that there are people who won’t knock me down, but will carry me on their shoulders helping me to celebrate.

My life, the opportunity to go back out there and find real,true love.

My heart.  I will do as the Japanese used to, and fill the cracks with gold to mend it, so that when I give it away again it is worth more than it ever was.

Like the Phoenix…..

Posted on by learning to live like water

Day 4.  I am better this morning than I was yesterday morning.  Not as good as last night.  I have let him go, let any desire for him blow away with the emotional cyclone he put me through.  I never want to see his face again, I have deleted every picture so I won’t accidentally come across his face, and have to remember how I loved this asshole.

It’s the treachery, the deception, the idea that he thought it was perfectly ok to lead me on all week, to blow my world apart.  That he couldn’t man up, and tell the truth to me, and let me go when I was asking to go.  Such a narcissist, one of the worst I have ever known.  Worse than my ex-husband, and I thought he was the worst ever.  My ex’s lies were just random, about what he was doing, often stories he made up and believed, that were so obviously lies it was almost humorous.  (Though laughing at him brought on his scary scary temper.)  He never set me up emotionally just to punch me in the stomach, just to knock me down and stomp on me.  He was a sick f**k, but S is so much sicker.

Yes S, it turns out you were much like him, as you said.  You were him, taken to a new level that was past my ability to think was possible.

I have known many people abused as children, though his story was one of the worst.  But he’s smart, he could have crawled out of it.  He used to say he didn’t have a filter.

No, S, it’s not a fucking filter.  It’s a conscience.  You said you were developing one?  That’s a laugh.  Really…you are so full of shit. You like chaos, you like hurting people because you NEVER dealt with your own hurt in a productive way.  So you project it, and you act out on as many people as possible, in as intense a way as you can.  And some unsuspecting person like myself, that just saw the possibilities of you instead of the reality,comes along, you must have been fucking drooling to set me up and watch me fall.

Like you said, it’s your karma.  If you had a belief in anything, that would be ok, but you don’t.  You’re a cold, dead heartless man.  I am so glad to be rid of you.  And not to have lost any more than i did.  You ought to go crawl in a hole and stay there, until sensory deprivation makes you forget everything you know, and you have to be reborn.  Go to the monastery, like you talked about.  And stay there.  Then you can’t continue to hurt people for your own gain. (Yes he used to talk about doing that for 6 months.  I used to laugh, I am thinking the monks would exorcise him before they’d let him in.)

I have my book club tonight, I’m grateful for that.  To be with friends who live on the other side with me will be just what I need.  A has still been beside me through all of this. He texts me all morning, during the day, in the evening.  He still tells me he loves me, and we know it’s just an unconditional love he has, that we will always be good friends. He sends me music, pictures of the southwest. Just being sweet, kind, loving, talking me down if I need it (tho I think I was done with that after the first 48 hours), showing me reality in a kind, but firm way.  He has always turned out to be the blessing in my life.  He is diametrically opposed to S, and I am sure that he was put in my life to make me see the difference between a creep and an angel.  I wish it had been S I cut off for A, a couple months ago.  Not the other way around.

My friend Megan from here has been so helpful to me too.  She and I have so many of the same issues, and we have had a running conversation with each other comparing notes, and trying to understand this sick narcissism.  So the blessings that have come from his treachery far outweigh the pain, and the pain was unbearable.  But the duality is, there is equal joy that grows out of the ashes.  Like the Phoenix, I will rise. I will be better, happier, and more loving.  No stupid man who thinks the darkness is where it’s at, is ever going to have too much effect on me.

PRACTICE RESURECTION

Posted on by learning to live like water

PR_Title Image_700x170pI was ready, on my way home from work, to write a scathing blog about S, and Betty Boop.  Another one.  Because it still smarts to be so blindsided, so used, so monstrously treated.  Such treachery, as my friend A said.  I wanted him to pay, I wanted to figure out her last name and send her an anonymous mail.  I wanted to send one to his daughter too, who hates Betty Boop.  I conjured up all kinds of revenge.

But then I got home.  I was having a convo with A, about music, about poetry, and he did not know Wendell Berry’s Manifesto: The Mad Farmer Liberation Front.  My beautiful niece who died in a car accident 11 years ago, used this poem as the basis of her valedictory address when she graduated from high school, first in her class.  In looking it up, I re-read it.

You know, the universe will lead you in the right direction if you will listen.  Reading this, lead me away from the revenge thing, to the making this world a better place thing.  Let the ugly things lay in the ground, and rot, as they are supposed to, to transform into something valuable. If you’ve never seen the poem, it’s below.  The last line has been one of my mantras for years, and is the title of this post.  Much more positive than  “Let’s Get S and Betty Boop”  And as far from them as I can possibly go energetically. Which is what I need to do.  Just let go of it altogether. they’ve stolen enough of my energy.  And seriously, what I need to be doing.  Resurrecting.

Manifesto:
The Mad Farmer Liberation Front

by Wendell Berry

Love the quick profit, the annual raise,
vacation with pay. Want more
of everything ready-made. Be afraid
to know your neighbors and to die.

And you will have a window in your head.
Not even your future will be a mystery
any more. Your mind will be punched in a card
and shut away in a little drawer.

When they want you to buy something
they will call you. When they want you
to die for profit they will let you know.
So, friends, every day do something
that won’t compute. Love the Lord.
Love the world. Work for nothing.
Take all that you have and be poor.
Love someone who does not deserve it.

Denounce the government and embrace
the flag. Hope to live in that free
republic for which it stands.
Give your approval to all you cannot
understand. Praise ignorance, for what man
has not encountered he has not destroyed.

Ask the questions that have no answers.
Invest in the millenium. Plant sequoias.
Say that your main crop is the forest
that you did not plant,
that you will not live to harvest.

Say that the leaves are harvested
when they have rotted into the mold.
Call that profit. Prophesy such returns.
Put your faith in the two inches of humus
that will build under the trees
every thousand years.

Listen to carrion — put your ear
close, and hear the faint chattering
of the songs that are to come.
Expect the end of the world. Laugh.
Laughter is immeasurable. Be joyful
though you have considered all the facts.
So long as women do not go cheap
for power, please women more than men.

Ask yourself: Will this satisfy
a woman satisfied to bear a child?
Will this disturb the sleep
of a woman near to giving birth?

Go with your love to the fields.
Lie down in the shade. Rest your head
in her lap. Swear allegiance
to what is nighest your thoughts.

As soon as the generals and the politicos
can predict the motions of your mind,
lose it. Leave it as a sign
to mark the false trail, the way
you didn’t go.

Be like the fox
who makes more tracks than necessary,
some in the wrong direction.
Practice resurrection.

PHEW!!!

Posted on by learning to live like water

As the morning wears on, I am asking myself why I am even grieving the loss of this relationship?  I mean, seriously?  This man in unscrupulous, he told me he was bad, but by all that is holy, I never believed anyone could do this to anyone else.  It’s monstrous.  What is there to grieve?  Betty Boop did me a HUGE favor, showing up on the scene, needing to use him for something else.  HUGE.

Thank you Betty Boop.

For two days of pain, I will save a lifetime of any more pain from this man.  There will be no more chances to “take another little piece of my heart, now baby.”  Imagine if this had gone on, if she had wanted to stay married to her “revenge” husband, and he had visited me in Florida?  What terror might he have visited on me then?  And between now and then?

Why would any sane person want anything to do with this guy?  You’d have to be as sociopathic as him, and I have no doubt she is, with her history.  She played him one up, she used him better than he used her.  Two complete losers in my book.

God, I got off easy.  With only a little loss of my dignity, and self esteem.  Thank God, he wanted to be on his own this summer, and didn’t use the summer to suck me in deeper.  Thank God.  Everything happens for a reason, doesn’t it?

I am disgusted with myself (but I’ll get over it) for ever giving him the time of day, for ever lavishing the love on him that I did.  For ever thinking he was capable of being a decent human being.  But you know…all I did was love him.  I did nothing evil, or mean, or hurtful to him.

Although, I’m sure when he reads this, he will say I’m crucifying him.  Because he only sees what he feels, he is incapable of seeing what another feels, or of seeing and being accountable for the damage he does to innocent people.

Maybe if I’m lucky, he’ll get angry enough at me to stop reading my blog.  I wish he would.  Go on about his business with Betty Boop, I’m sure there is an urgent need for him there.  A new car, a divorce that needs paying for.  Of course, first she’ll have to schmooze him, but I give her credit, on being able to do what she did on his birthday in January of last year when he was diagnosed with cancer, after she got a new kitchen out of him.  Well played Betty Boop.  I’m sure he deserved it.  And he’s right back in for more.  You sure are good at it, girl.

When clarity comes, it comes like a hurricane force wind.   So happy to be free.

PHEW!!!!

BLOCKED. FINALLY. 

Posted on by learning to live like water

  

I blocked him. Finally. No contact is definitely the path I need to follow. I realized on the way to work today that nothing he could say would make me feel any better about the way he broke me, willfully, with premeditation.  Like a monster.  And that anything he had to say would most likely make it worse. 

So I told him that in a text and told him he is blocked . He knows he can leave a voice mail. And I haven’t blocked email, yet.  

But as I have said since the beginning of this nightmare Saturday, there is no way back from this. I would NEVER expose myself to this kind of damage again. EVER. 

It is a huge relief, to have finally come out of the fog of so much pain. I’m not over it yet, the treachery is just so broad. But I made a huge step this morning in letting go, so that I can fully heal. 

Sigh….finally I can get on with the business of healing all my broken pieces. 

Releasing

Posted on by learning to live like water

release-the-past-let-it-go

I managed to get through a 10 minute meditation this morning.  It was on releasing the past.  It reminded me to frame the past in such a way that I understand that what was done to me, was done from the level of consciousness that S was at when he did it.  It wasn’t done purposefully to hurt me, he is just unconscious of how his actions hurt, devastate people.  Because he fears vulnerability so much, and keeps so many walls around himself, he cannot possibly understand what it is like to have no walls up.

I always believed he had a higher level of consciousness, though I don’t know why I thought that.  Maybe because he is smart, it seemed something he would know.  He could discuss almost anything, intelligently.  I guess, the ability to speak about it, and have academic understanding, is a long ways from feeling it, and knowing it, and living from that level in your heart.

I was able to maybe release just a teeny bit of it.  There is still so much hurt, that if I think about it, I just fall apart.  Someone who is so smart, should be wise enough, compassionate enough not to willfully hurt someone who loves him.  Or so I thought.  But his level of consciousness is so wrapped up in his ego…I know it’s hard for him to even see me.

But I see him.  I wish I didn’t, but I always have, I always will.

Tough Day Ahead

Posted on by learning to live like water

tough dayAs I expected, I heard from S last night, I would guess it wasn’t long after Betty Boop was gone home.  Nothing was accomplished, I had told him he was unblocked in case he had anything to say to me.  Apparently he did not, last night, though he says he has plenty to say, but chose not to say it.  Of course, I was in bed, I was exhausted having slept very little the night before.  I had no expectations from him.  I just left the lines of communication open.

Why?  I don’t really know.  In hindsight, I don’t know that it was even a healthy thing to do.  He burned the bridge, when he played me.  I don’t know that hearing from him will dull the burn still blistering on my skin.  I woke up this morning feeling nauseous after about 5 hours of sleep.  Nauseous and crying, and wondering how he could do that to me, again.  Then I thought of A’s calm steady love of me, and how he gently, and carefully, and sweetly talked me down yesterday.  How he offered me the unconditional love that S spurned.  It was calming, to know that A will always be there for me.  Even as just a friend, he is a male friend who loves me, and understands how I love people.  I am so grateful that he is still in my life.

Maybe if I talk to S, I will get a clearer picture of who he is, and how he could do what he did to me, making it easier to let him go.  But maybe not.  I have a feeling he still wants me in the periphery of his life, to be able to text and talk to me, and to spend his time with Betty Boop.  That’s not going to happen.  No matter what, I cannot go back to where I was.  He made his choice, spraying out as much pain as possible in his wake. I don’t want to be with a man who can do that.

I bought Brene Brown’s new book “Rising Strong” last night, after watching her on SuperSoulSunday,  I think it is exactly what I need to hear to heal from this devastation, to find my way back to wanting to live.  She says, “Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, joy, creativity,…but if you’re going to be vulnerable, you are going to fall down.”  This book is about getting back up….and exactly what I need right now, help in getting back up.

This day is going to be tough.  I have to work til 7 tonight and I was awake at 4 am, and am still so stressed, I can feel my heart pounding in my chest.  It will be good though, to get back to a regular schedule, and not to be alone all day.  I know the people who love me will check in with me.  I’ll make it through the day, and hopefully be a little better tonight than I am this morning.

Love and light everyone.

Healing

Posted on by learning to live like water

healing-heart-500x500.082003_std

The wave of healing passed pretty fast.  Left alone, to my own devices, I skipped the anger phase, and went directly to hurt.  To pain. To pain so raw that I expected blood to leak out my pores.

Don’t ask me why I love a man like him.  Don’t ask, because there is no answer.  I believe there is a soul connection there.  I think, that my place in his life was so at the end of his life, he would know that someone really loved him unconditionally, without limit, without reason.  Just because.  Maybe not even the end of his life.  Maybe when he is in a really dark place, which he visits regularly, he will know he is worthy of it, and it might lift him.  He will know, and that’s a big thing, when you’ve spent your whole life not believing you deserve it.

Having a glass of wine.  Waiting for my son and his friend to come home, and eat.  I tried doing a long meditation, to relax, but I started crying so I gave it up.  I’m tired, I’m pretty sure with the help of an Ambien I will get a good night’s sleep tonight.

All day, I had to chase away the thought that she was there, with him, doing what I was supposed to be doing.  Having coffee in the morning, going to breakfast, going to see the big waves maybe.  Maybe sleeping in…I have to chase those thoughts away. If that’s what he wants, I have to accept it.

I have to let it go.  I have to.  I wrote a poem to S, for closure.  It was personal, it won’t be published, I sent it to him, email.  I asked him not to contact me, because I need distance and time.  I need to forget him, to put away our relationship.  As much as he hates being told what to do, I hope he will do as I ask.

At least now, if I cry which I have been doing for awhile now, I feel like it’s release.  Not panic.  Just pain. Pain will run it’s course, at some point I will have cried it out and begin to climb my way back up.  At least I have come to some terms with it.

I know why he didn’t choose me.  I know why he couldn’t understand or appreciate the way I loved him.  I will never understand why he played me all week, but I think it is his weakness, his fear, his inability to put the truth on the table, and know that because it’s the truth, what is supposed to happen, will happen.  He has no trust.  Not in me, not in himself.  He stuck with what he knows.

He asked me why I kept giving  him one more try.  It is a fair question.  But I did, because we talked about the issues.  We always came to terms.  Or so I thought.  He told me at one point, that it was all lust.  But I know that’s a lie.  I know he said it, as an excuse for the absolutely horrible way he told me yesterday, and treated me.  If I was the one he texted at 4 am…..he cares more than he wants to admit.  He just wasn’t comfortable with me.  I loved him beyond reason, beyond limit.  He didn’t believe it was real.

I get it.  I do.

I get that he couldn’t deal with me.  I get that he reverted to what he knows.  We all do, until we get past the fear.  I have worked at that, for years.  I wasn’t afraid to love him that way, because I can trust my gut, I can trust the universe, and I am not afraid to be vulnerable.  There is no creativity without vulnerability.  We cannot grow if we cannot be vulnerable.  So, I wasn’t afraid.

Lack of fear can be perceived as weakness.  But it’s just courage, it’s whole hearted courage to follow your gut.  I’m not blowing my own horn, just sayin’, that’s the difference between us.  I don’t fear it.  He does.  I get it, it’s ok.

Do I think this story is true?  Yes.  I do.  Because it ties all the loose ends, it makes sense.  It doesn’t make me feel stupid for loving him, and it offers some compassion for a man who has had a hard life.  I’m not jealous of her, she is in the same place as him, as far as I can see, based on the history that I know.  They can relate their life stories. He and I could not.

But I thought that the love I felt would carry us.  It will not, but it’s there.  It’s his to keep.  Maybe someday it will serve him, to know he has it.

Healing, It’s all about healing, all the time.

Dealing With It

Posted on by learning to live like water

So…this morning, after I had cried an inordinate amount of time, I got on FB and chatted with my best friend. The one who told me not to talk about him to her, because she knew he was only going to continue to hurt me. I told her….she felt bad for me. When it comes to our friendship, nothing can really hurt us. When she loves you, she loves you, she’s like me with that, and it’s why we are so close. I thank God that I have people in my life like her. She has always made me feel like family, literally, invites me to every holiday and family gathering of her large boisterous fun clan. They are all used to me, lol. Because I have no family here, it has been a godsend for me.

Then I talked to A, who I totally blew off yesterday, in my pain. A also loves me, like my friend. Unconditionally. I told him in pieces what happened. I have been chatting with him on and off, and today he is such a blessing to me. He lets me know that there are men who can love and be loved unconditionally. He told me again today, that he loves me, but we are purely friends now, because he has chosen to live in the Southwest, and me here and Florida, and nothing else would work. He is so angry that this happened to me, he is as angry as my son. They know it was me who was stupid enough to buy into what S was selling, but still….A has called him a prick. I told him don’t waste your energy hating S, he’s his own worst enemy.

It was A who really has talked me down. He could be mean and bitter, and not talk to me, I have so screwed him over for S. But he isn’t. He loves me so much, he makes me feel good about myself. He thinks I’m beautiful. He thinks I’m funny. He knows I’m flawed, and he just told me he loves my flaws. And we are just friends. We were intimate, once, now we are just friends. He is seeing someone in his new home, and I am happy for him. He said, she knows about you….I said, because you are an honest and loving man.

How different from a man who would blindside me, inflicting as much pain as possible.

Dark vs light. Night vs. Day. Ego vs. spirit. We all choose. Make no mistake, S, you chose to be who you are.

I have been talking to a friend from here on WhatsApp. She and I have similar issues, she has been so helpful. My ex’s cousin, who is a close friend, and is the closest thing to family I have, has helped me a lot too.

So I have people, people who love me, people who support me. I need to surround myself with people like myself, who can love without limit, and accept the same. Whose only dysfunction might be they care too much, lol.

I also reactivated a dating profile on one site. I am just putting the energy out there. I’m free, I’m available, I am willing. And that’s a huge thing, to be willing.

I am beginning to get past it. I can see how toxic S is, for me, for himself. I see so clearly how he is only comfortable with extreme dysfunction. And how I wasn’t, and why our relationship would end every 2 weeks. There was a HUGE physical attraction. There is some kind of energetic connection. But I can have that with someone who can love and appreciate being loved, can’t I?

Pretty soon I’ll block his phone number, so when Betty Boop goes home tonight he can’t reach me. I’ll delete his texts soon, so I don’t see them when I open my app. I’ll get rid of all his pictures. I already did that with some that were my favorites. I don’t want to hear from him, he can’t do anything but give me more pain. I know this is a roller coaster. I know that I will go from anger to pain to healing over and over again. This is the first wave of feeling like I will survive. And it feels fucking good.

I bought a dark chocolate caramel chocolate bar to take him. Or give to him if he came here. Yesterday, I thought I’d throw it away. I though I would gag if I tried to eat it. Today, I think I will open it, and eat some. I’ve wasted enough on him. Why waste $3 more?

So…to paraphase one of my favorite authors, and spiritual guides, Brene Brown, from her TED talk on vulnerability, instead of catastrophizing my life because I got involved with a shit, I will thank God that I can hurt this much, that I could be so passionate, that I can love that deeply, because it means I am alive, and not dead, not walking around numb to this life. And for those that are numb, and settling for a life that will bring them pain after pain, I can’t feel anything but pity.