Tag Archives: alone.

I’ve Been Played by an Expert

Posted on by learning to live like water

I’ve been played.  By an expert player. While last night’s poem “Sweet juice of the grape” aptly described where I was then….I just found out the real truth, and I have been so played.  So used.  So uncared for and fucked over.  S is not the man I thought he was, he is not the man I was so in love with.  He knows how to play me, to get my sympathy.  But I tired of his game, and stopped playing and the truth came out, and I am so done with him….more done than I was when he fucked the prison whore.

Right now, I think that’s what he deserves, is a prison whore and no more.  Certainly not a woman who is capable of loving.  I’m gonna go lick my wounds with a bottle of rum, and  have myself a good cry, and when I get back from Florida maybe find a man who deserves me.

I might even give A a call.  We are friends, and I know he’d gladly hang out with me.  He’s moving in a few days, but I bet he’d be happy to do something with me to take my mind off of what S has done to me.  I know I’ll get over S, because I’m capable of it.  Because I know what I want, and even though I thought it was him, now that I know it’s not, I can deal with it.  Hope he can sleep at night with what he’s done.  My ex-husband was called unconscionable 9 times by the CT Supreme Court.  I wonder how many S would get.

i love my strangers :) especially the ones I have memories with aka friends

Sweet Juice of the Grape

Posted on by learning to live like water

letting go

Sweet juice of the grape,

Mask my sorrow,

Hide my pain.

Keep it from cutting a hole in my heart.

I will bleed, if it is on the surface.

I will writhe in pain on my floor.

Sweet juice of the grape,

Drown the voices in my head

and the ones on the phone.

Keep me from racing to him,

begging him to take me just one more time.

Into that place from which I find such great joy

And then such great sorrow.

Sweet juice of the grape

Be my friend.

Be my solace.

Help me find a place

Where his blue eyes will not torment me.

Where his smile will not lure me.

Where I won’t find false comfort in his hands.

Empty my mind of all the memories

Empty my mind of the dreams

Empty my heart, empty my eyes,

Empty all of it, sweet juice of the grape,

Let me forget, for just one night

How I loved him.

How I love him still.

Always……

Learning to Love What Is

Posted on by learning to live like water

I’m trying to work some stuff out here.

I’ve got some kind of bug. My throat is a little sore causing some laryngitis, and my right eye is a little weepy. I have carpal tunnel in my right hand, arm, wrist, which has been acting up. And this morning, the fingers on my left hand are quite stiff and sore in the joints.

I’m a believer in the emotional component of all illness. I am quite rarely sick, this maybe the first time in a couple years. So I am looking at all the symptoms, with Louise Hay’s book by my side “You Can Heal Your Life”.

A sore throat has to do with holding in angry words and feeling unable to express yourself, the inability to speak up for one’s self, swallowed anger, stifled creativity and refusal to change. Issues with the throat in general have to do with expression, creativity.

Carpal Tunnel Syndrome has to do with frustration and anger at seeming injustices of life.

Arthritis has to do with feeling unloved, criticism and resentment.

Our hands and wrists have to do with the ease through which we move through change.

Eyes have to do with the capacity to see clearly. Eye problems have to do with not liking what you see in your own life.

I have had an ongoing issue with someone for the last couple of weeks. I wanted this person to do something that they were not comfortable with, quite simply. And I was pushing and they were resisting. It seemed a no brainer to me. Something that would have been fun, enjoyable…whatever. To them it was maybe those things, but maybe not. I can’t speak for them, only or myself.

So….as it turned out it came to a head last night. This person is not going to do this thing with me. I am going to do it alone.

I felt sorry for myself. I felt unloved. I criticized myself, feeling I wasn’t good enough. I also did not feel I was able to express myself fully, not on this subject, nor others with this person, because often I think that expressing what I really feel puts them under pressure. So I swallow it, and don’t say it, when I clearly want to.

This person refused to talk to me about it anymore last night, and cut me off from communication. I was angry, resentful.

Thus, all my symptoms.

Coincidentally, I have been reading Byron Katie’s “The Work” for our book club. And I put the 4 questions to only one of these problems, since it is a process taking time.

I realized that I have been stifling what I had to say about the situation. But I did that on purpose because I knew it would not come out with any loving intent, and I didn’t want to go there with this person. But you know what happens to the stuff you bury…..It makes you sick. Voila! I am sick.

I felt very unloved, and was beating myself up for being so pushy last night. I woke up with a very sore left hand. I am loved, even if not in the way I want to be, but by many others, and by this person as well. The person’s choice not to do this thing with me doesn’t reflect whether or not I am cared about by them, only that they were not comfortable with this particular thing.

But I railed against it, and how frustrating and unfair it was, and guess what, my carpal tunnel has been acting up all week.

I am not moving through changes easily, I am not accepting what is. My joints hurt.

And lastly, I don’t like what I’m seeing, and my right eye is bothering me.

Pretty clear, that the body follows the mind, isn’t it?

So…..doing The Work last night brought me to these conclusions. I don’t love myself. I am afraid of change. My thoughts are not creating a joyful and abundant life for me, but one of lack.

This is all about me, not about this person. It is not what they have done but about my reaction to what they feel. Like Byron Katie says, “Who would you be if you didn’t have that thought?”

I would be excited to do this thing on my own. I would share it, and the excitement, with this person, instead of putting the burden on them to create the excitement with me, and thus in some ways, for me. I would be happy I was doing it, whether or not I was alone.

I want to say maybe it’s meant to be, that I do it alone. Maybe there is a door opening there that I am too blind to see, or to fearful to want to walk through. But why? Because it is what it is. The reality is that I’m doing it alone, so I need to rejoice in that. I need to love what is. Why? Because it is what is happening, and it’s not something I can change. The universe doesn’t screw up, I have trusted it before to work things out for my highest good, and for this person’s. And so this must be it.

This person may join me in this at some point. They have said that. But they can’t right now, so I’ll forge ahead, and repeat to myself every minute that I can that I am loved, I love myself, I will create a joyful life, and I will accept the way life unfolds before me. By myself, I will do this, I will not burden another with these things.

I will walk through the fear I have of doing these things alone, and realize I am quite capable of enjoying them on my own. I’ll find my way.

Acceptance of what is is hard, until we actually realize we have no choice. So we can be mad about it, and ruin this moment, or we can accept it, and find some joy in it, and go forward happily.

I will choose the 2nd reaction. I’m sure it gets easier with practice.

It’s all a lesson in learning to live like water.

Stop the Ride! Please!

Posted on by learning to live like water

I keep thinking that I’ve figured out how to get off the merry-go-round.  You know, that feeling, that you’ve been going around and around and not getting anywhere.  Riding a horse that you can close your eyes and with a real good imagination believe it’s real for a moment. Ah, such bliss in that fake horse, for the short time that you make it real.  But, you open your eyes and there you are on a fake horse going nowhere.

Suddenly, you want off.  You have things to do, places to go, people to meet, a reality to deal with.  You just want off.  So, you dig in your heels and try to slow it down so you can get off with out smashing your face into the ground.  You ask the man who runs the throttle to please slow it down, so you can dismount.  But you’re dependent on his good nature, his time-table, you don’t know if the glint in his eye means he enjoys seeing people flying off the horses or if he has some compassion for those that need to leave.

I went to a gong bath Thursday night.  During an exceptional “white noise” tsunami, which is when the gong players play them so loud and hard that the sound and the vibrations absolutely don’t allow a thought, only emotions, I cried out, asking for resolution. I surrendered.  (It’s lovely when you cry out during a tsunami, no one hears you except God, or your inner self….).  I turned it over to the greater powers that be, to resolve how they saw fit, trusting that it would be in my best interest.

I was up all night (thus my poem, Sleepless).  Caused, as usual by expectations, attachment.  (OH Buddha, I can’t figure out how to not be attached. And not having expectations is hard….) I expected a certain outcome, which I thought was realistic, on Wednesday night.  Let’s just say, I was disappointed.  I was suddenly snapped back into the past, with old fears, old issues.

Thursday morning, I was on an emotional edge all day, it wouldn’t have taken much to push me into the abyss, a gentle push, maybe one little finger in the small of my back, as I peered over the edge and idly wondered what was at the bottom.  Of course, I remembered, later.  Grateful that I didn’t make the leap to find out what I already knew. It’s never good down there.

Back to surrender…..and the vibrational healing of the gongs.  I was subdued after the bath, I went home, I was in bed not long after.  I was exhausted, as if I’d been up for days, and carrying a heavy burden while I walked.  I lay down, sure I would pass out and of course, did not.  Until about 4 am.  I sobbed, I cried, i asked. I lay there numb. I got up and walked around, I sat by the window, I put on my meditation music over and over, changing the cd’s at 2 am.  I asked…please get me off this merry-go-round.  Trusting that it would be resolved to my highest good.  To everyone’s highest good.

So, come Friday, I had to go to work on 2 or 3 hours sleep.  Again, still, I had what I thought was a realistic expectation for Friday night.  But the offer I got, was a long way from the one I wanted.  My gut did a flip flop and screamed “NOOOOOO….” and so, I refused it.  Knowing that my gut is much more tied in to what’s better for my highest good than my mind, which toyed for a second or two with accepting far less than I wanted.  Because it would have given me a little pleasure to accept and then a lot of pain.

Listen to your gut, always listen to your gut.

Last night I discussed the offer….with the one who made it.  But I didn’t cry.  I didn’t even get mad or upset.  I’m not angry about it.  I’m disappointed but I am accepting the reality that it is what it is.  Reality.  And I guess this is the way the universe is working it out in my best interest.  So be it.  It seems that there is really no reason to accept less than I dream of, in this one life that I have.  (At least in this lifetime, I only have this one life….) It seems it is dishonest to my inner being to change myself to become what someone else needs.  (Which I know, I have done that before much more blatantly.)

Well, the story is not ended yet.  It isn’t quite over I guess.  I am willing to ride it out, to see where it goes.  But I’m not afraid and I think I have a more realistic expectation of the outcome.

But damn, I didn’t want to go to Florida alone.  Sigh……

Sleepless

Posted on by learning to live like water

Posted on May 8, 2015 by learning to live like water

Sleep evades me.

Only longing finds me.

I turn on the prism light

That he gave me.

The soft warm glow

Reminds me of the way I feel in his arms

Curled like spoons, his hands cupping my breast.

Feeling his man parts pressing against me.

His breath on my neck.

Longing. Painful longing.

I don’t know where I stand with him.

Fear rises in both of us.

Again, he is afraid he will love me.

I am afraid he will not.

Tears fall and splash on the page.

God, could I not have it easy for once in my life??

Could I not just love someone who could love me back fearlessly, fiercely?

I’m so tired.  Come sleep.

Put a blanket on my heart, cover my thoughts til the morning light.

Send me into the blissful emptiness of dreamless sleep.

I surrender. I cannot carry the burden of not knowing tonight.

Rescue me, sleep, from the endless nagging fear.

Be my friend.  Love me, sleep, close my eyes, quiet my mind.

Sleep, sweet sleep, like the one I long for, where are you?

Looking for Solid Ground

Posted on by learning to live like water

Broken sleep.  Wake to a grey rainy day. It matches my mood.  It isn’t cold, That’s a blessing.  But it’s dark, the way I feel.  It’s dull, non-descript.  It’s going to rain soon.

It’s how I feel.  Grey.  Muted.  Non-descript.  Realizing that I have given myself away, and I’m empty.

A wants to see me again.  He’s moving.  He wants to see me before he goes.  I have not wanted to.  Why?  He was nothing but loving and kind, his only crime was that he was not S.

S….is currently breaking my heart, again.  It doesn’t make me want A.  It makes me want to crawl into a hole and not come out until I’ve stopped loving him.

It just makes me rethink not saying goodbye to A.  It is a simple request.  I think I mostly said no because I knew the relationship with A bothered S.  Not wanting to disrupt the healing I thought was going on with S, I didn’t want to interject A into it again.

But now?  What healing goes on between S and I?  What was, is no more.  The schism grows daily. I don’t think my saying goodbye to A will make one bit of difference to S.  I am stopping dreaming of being wrapped in S’s arms, because it doesn’t happen.  I am pretty sure that when I see him I will aggravate him, I will find out another reason why he doesn’t want to be in love or a relationship, one more thing about why he loved his ex girlfriend, despite what she did to him.  I will feel his anger, or disappointment, that I am not her.  (Funny how my sin of not being her, is the same as A’s, that he was not S.)  I will feel bad that I want him to myself.  That I want him to love me.  I feel guilty? ashamed? embarassed? at the depth of my feeling that he cannot match. I want to hide from his gaze. I don’t want to see how he doesn’t love me.

I’m in a small boat, out on a big sea, alone.  I climb to the top of the swell, and see the beautiful world, and sky.  Then inevitably I glide down the swell, and all I can see it water all around me.  And one little patch of sky, to remind me there is more than the water.  I’m ready to be on solid ground again.

A Painful Impasse

Posted on by learning to live like water

She loved him so much. Every day she would wait to hear the popping sound of her text alert, just to know he was thinking of her. When he called….he melted her heart. Not by what he said, but by the sound of his voice. Sometimes she’d play his voice mails just to hear him.

He seemed to like her, most of the time. Once in awhile he would say something that gave her hope. Hope that maybe he was losing his fear. Hope that maybe he was going to allow himself the luxury of loving someone. Once or twice he kissed her like he meant it. And stayed with it through the night. She was in ecstasy.

Then….the darkness came. He wanted her around….But he didn’t want to know her. He wanted her close by, but he needed to be taken care of, but not to take care of her. At all. In any way. She made up excuses. He’s in a bad place. His friend is sick. She did the best she could to bring him some happiness, even if it was only temporary. When she left she said, “I hope I helped your sadness.” He said, “I think you definitely did.” But her sadness lay hidden deep in her heart until she left, and drove down his road with tears running down her cheeks.

The next time….he called her and asked her if she still wanted to come. Of course she did. She wanted to be with him more than anything. She wanted his strong arms around her. She dreamed of another long passionate kiss. He sounded happy, he told her the door was unlocked to come on in if he wasn’t home, he had errands to run.

But then….he said he wanted to talk, and told her he was very annoyed with her……she tries to restrict him, he says. She is trying to tie him down and bind him up, he says. Why is she so jealous, he asks. Can he not look at other women? He doesn’t want to be in love, he doesn’t want a serious relationship, (after almost a year…..) He still loves his ex girlfriend, (who was brutal to him).

And in her heart she was asking, why does he want to look at other women? Why doesn’t he look at the one he has? She was done looking. She found exactly what she wanted. She thought.

It came to her….he’s just not that into her. He complains about her all the time now. He holds her at an arms length. Don’t get too close….. Once again…feeling rejected, feeling alone. No care, no concern. As if he wanted her to go. In the middle of the night, she lay next to him. Listening to him sleep, snore. She knew….the truth was smacking her in the face in the wee hours of the morning. She shook the bed with her sobs, trying to be soundless so she wouldn’t wake him. She wanted to disappear, to get dressed in the dark, and silence and get in her car and go home. But she knew she couldn’t do it with out waking him. In the morning, she sat down on the bed and looked at him. She said, “you were right last night. This isn’t going to work out for us.”

Terrified, she went on to say how miserable she was. How alone. How much she loved him and she knew he didn’t feel the same. And how she was tired of trying to make it happen, and tired of being ignored, and uncared for.

It spilled out of her, like someone had punched a hole in the dam. She believed his kiss those few weeks ago. She thought they were finally in a similar place. But now she knows they are not. That he is once again fearful and pushing her away. Breaking her heart again.

They talked around and around, nothing was accomplished. She packed her stuff and went home. She drove, numb. She didn’t cry. She didn’t think. She had had 2 cups of coffee. Nothing else. She’d been up most of the night. She didn’t stop for anything, she just sped home. Down I-95. Up Route 85 and Route2.

Her house was empty, gratefully. She unpacked her bag. Looking at the lingerie she’d bought for him. She put it away. Would she wear it again, she wondered abstractly. She didn’t look for an answer. She wasn’t thinking. She didn’t want to think. She didn’t want to give form to what was going on. She wanted it to go away. She wanted to be in his arms and be sure of how he felt. She wanted him to reach for her in the night. She wanted……

She wanted what wasn’t there. Broken heart, splattered across I-95 and Route 2. Pieces of it scattered on the beaches from Watch Hill to Matunuck. Dreams that need putting away. Tears that need drying. Hope that needs squelching.

But what of the love? In the end, it’s the only thing there is. And when all the rest is finished, the love will remain. Forever.

A Comfy Cozy Blanket of Snow

Posted on by learning to live like water

It’s snowing again. I live in New England, Connecticut to be exact. And it’s snowed a lot this winter, like well in excess of 4 ft. And been cold. And most of us, even those who usually like a little snow…are sick of dealing with it. But I’m glad this one is on a weekend. I was out with a friend, drove home in it. It wasn’t too bad. But when I got home, I sat down with a glass of wine, found a movie on TV, booted up the computer, and made some popcorn.

It seems a little weird, but I’m one of the people who bitches the most loudly about how much I hate winter. Right now…I feel all comfy cozy, happy, relaxed, relieved to be home. Happy to be happy.

All the stuff with the old relationship is somehow unimportant today. That’s a huge relief. Really. I’m very ready to be done with it and moving on.

I’m about to make myself some spaghetti and meatballs for dinner. I will have another glass of wine with it. I will worry slightly about my son driving home from work in this, but it’s not going to be that bad, I’m sure he will be ok. Maybe I’ll watch last week’s episode of Downton Abbey or State of Affairs, or something else. I look forward to getting into a bed with clean sheets, reading a little.

Glad to have the drama over with. Glad to be moving on. Relieved to know I won’t be getting middle-of-the-night texts telling me he hates me or is sorry or whatever. Glad for the silence. The sanity. Not missing the mind-fuck.

Sleep will be nice. I will wake up fresh, and free and happy and grateful for the constant warmth and love of friends and family. Life is good.

Scratching That Itch

Posted on by learning to live like water

I don’t know. I just don’t.

S (the man I just ended it with) is like an itch I can’t scratch. I am committed to not having sex with him. I am committed to continue my search for a man who can love me as I love him.

But I can’t seem to let S quite go, like I don’t want to. I want to talk to him, mostly text with him, during the day. Apparently. Because we texted a lot yesterday. Not really about anything in particular. Just banter. Just conversation. No intent, really, except to stay in touch.

My question is why? I don’t know. I can’t seem to break this connection, and I don’t want to. I enjoy him, he’s still funny, still smart, still interesting. Still has this slightly skewed view of the world that makes me look at it differently at times. Some of it is shocking and abhorrent to me, some of it is interesting and opens my head. But he doesn’t insist I accept his point of view, he just offers it.

Yesterday I told him he was like an itch I can’t scratch. In typical S fashion he says, “I have a special tool for that.” Which caused at first, a smile on my face because it was so typically unashamedly S. Then I said, “Yeah, and it causes me a lot of trouble. I think not.” Or something similar. He didn’t respond. I said, “Besides you will loan it to anyone who has an itch.” He took his time responding, and said, “I’m a humanitarian.”

No apology for who he is. No excuses. Which I find refreshing. And honest. And painful. What? In the same sentence? I responded after a bit, “I’d call it something else.” Because when push comes to shove I can’t let go of what he’s done, I can’t accept the hurt he caused me. Yet. But I don’t want to piss him off. ??? After a bit he texted “?” I did not answer.

The something else I’d call it is man-whore. Just like I’d call a woman who spread her legs for anyone who wanted it a whore, I would call a man who puts it in any vagina that asks a man-whore. I don’t know what else to call it. I didn’t say it to him…because it sounds mean-spirited. And I don’t want to be mean-spirited with him.

I also don’t know how to accept it, that he’s that way. He’s also self centered, narcissistic, as he himself told me (and I chose to ignore). Sex with him is mostly all about him and his pleasure. Which is another reason, up there with the fact that he will loan his tool to anyone who wants it, that I won’t have sex with him anymore.

But I still like him. I guess, I love him in a whole other way.

I was listening to Marianne Williamson’s live stream of her Monday night talk on ACIM last night. And she happened to be talking about relationships. How those people who just have sex, are seeking connection, but that the ego tells them that connection of the physical body is connection, when the truth is, just having sex with someone, with no other connection, is really all about maintaining separateness. It’s the ego’s way of making you believe you are connected, but not being.

I have said so many times that the best sex is when at the end, you don’t know where you end and your partner begins. That connection, that becoming one thing energetically lifts the physical into a whole other realm. It has happened to me…not enough! I also realize now that one person in a couple can feel it, and not the other. I can know that my partner and I are one thing, one blended energy, not separate. But he may not. He may still believe us to be two separate people.

In fact, that’s how it’s been with the two men I’ve felt it with. I incorrectly believed if I felt it, they must or how could I? But it’s not true. I can feel it, because it is the grand, omnipresent truth, that we are all one thing, and I can feel it at this personal level of two people’s energy blending intimately. That our energies have blended and we are one thing. But that doesn’t mean my partner will feel it.

So…I want to find someone who is capable of going there with me. Because I’ve had the purely physical, and it doesn’t compare to the physical and energetic combining of two people. It just doesn’t.

When that happens, I am sure I would never have to question my partner. I would know he didn’t want to loan his tool to just anyone. That he would want to only have sex that could go there.

Before I met S, it had been about 12 years since I had real sex with someone. A couple of false starts that never came to fruition. But he and I are looking for different things. He has only felt safe, he says, when he depends only on himself. Separateness.

I feel safe because I know I am not separate, that I am part of one thing, one huge energy that includes us all. I also can shut my ego up most of the time, when it begins to advocate separateness to me. Because that’s lonely, it’s sad, and it’s not real. No matter what the ego says, you can’t separate yourself from the one thing. Not really.

But I need to be with a man who knows this.

In the meantime, I love S. I enjoy this man, who teaches me without trying. I have learned about the struggle of those who grow up without unconditional love in their lives. I am not going to be another one of those people to him. I am thinking that I can continue to love and adore this man, without being physically involved with him. And I can at the same time find someone who wants that physical and energetic connection.

Still searching, still trying to find my way back to source. Living like water.