Tag Archives: moving on

A Larger Perspective

Posted on by learning to live like water

perspective

I was looking for a poem I wrote last summer or spring, and in the process, glanced at a lot of my old blogs from that time.

That time when S was playing us both.  I wrote mostly about the pain, mostly about how I missed him, mostly about how he pushed me away and when I was gone, pulled me back.  The only joy I wrote about all summer was when I was with friends.

I didn’t write about when he came to see me much.  I think, I didn’t want anyone to read that I was with him, after he’d been treating me so callously.  I didn’t want to appear weak to anyone, that I allowed him into my bed, when it was obvious that was all he was going to give me.  I was embarrassed by my own weakness.

Why in God’s name did I allow that to just go on?  Damn, I loved that man way beyond what was healthy.  I don’t know why I was so smitten with him, when he obviously had an agenda that didn’t include my happiness, except to give me a few hours of his time every week or two.  Why, why was I so weak?

In between I was not talking him, or trying not to, or telling myself to just let go, to walk away, that what he wanted was not what I wanted.

He was good at the pull back thing.  Sweet, funny, sexy.  It was like he hypnotized me.  As if I was powerless.  I guess what I wanted was him, at the end of the day.   So I allowed it.  Always willing to give it one more try, when I thought he was.

It’s amazing how our perceptions can change.  I made up so many excuses for him, I listened to him make up excuses and believed him.  I was led down the path with him SO many times and disappointed.  I listened and believed his intricate web of lies. I accepted so much less than I deserved.

I don’t know who I was then.  I really don’t.

Geezus.

And him?  Who the hell was he?  A figment of my imagination.  Intriguing I guess, like a puzzle that I wanted put together.  I thought the finished picture would be way different than it was.

I knew he loved Betty at one time.  I just wish he’d been honest with me, and told me she came back.   I would have deferred to that relationship, we’d still be friends, they’d still be together, and everyone would be ok.  Instead, 3 hearts are broken, and 3 lives are ripped apart, because he couldn’t tell me the truth.  If he loved her, which he said to me the last time I talked to him, the day he called me begging me to lie to her for him, why would he dishonor her like that?

He has no idea what real love is.  He thinks it’s a web you catch someone in.

Well, he caught me.  I guess he caught her too.  I cut myself out, patiently allowing the truth to surface, and in the process, created an opening for her to free herself from his web too.

Since I don’t know her, at all….maybe she’ll forgive him one day.  Maybe he’s learned his lesson and will be able to convince her.  .

Personally, I think he is unable to say no to any woman who offers it to him if he thinks he can get away with it.

I would have liked to talk to Betty at some point.  I just would like to know the story from her side.  I’d like to clarify any questions she has.  I’d like to know she will be ok.

A lot of lessons were learned in the 18 months I was with him.  Lessons about trust, mostly, and loving myself first.  About self-respect.  And mostly about being naive.

Yeah, I loved him, and that was real.  And I love him now.  Because, I can’t hate someone I loved that much.  It’s not the same.  I just hope he doesn’t live out his life holding onto pain and hate and anger and sorrow.  But he loves the darkness, it’s where he’s comfortable, and all he’s ever known.

The good thing is…reading old blogs didn’t make me want to go back there.  It made me see how much of myself I was losing, that I lost.  Reading them made me want to get farther away.  I’m feel like I am walking away at light speed now.  Gathering up the lost pieces, and putting them back together, one by one.  Feeling almost whole.

I didn’t mean to dissect this again today.  I am just pleased to see where I’ve come from where I was.  It was all about a greater perspective today, the kind you can only get with distance.  I don’t think I’ll need to revisit it.

Onward…..

Learning to Love Ourselves

Posted on by learning to live like water

:

I have always had a hard time with the concept of self love, until now.  I never felt I should put myself ahead of the needs of others, especially those who needed something from me, that I could provide.

This kept me in a bad marriage much longer than I should have been.  I did his work for him, I took care of him, of our business, of our home.  Eventually, of making the money to pay our bills and keep food on the table.  I got nothing back for it.  It’s of little surprise that when I left the marriage, finally, I was out of love, and depleted.  It’s of little surprise that I tried to fill the hole with food, and when I left, weighed about 40 lbs more than I do now.  It’s of little surprise that my heart used to pound in my chest so hard every night that I was afraid I’d have a heart attack in my sleep, and prayed every night not to let that happen, not to leave my son with my ex as his only parent.

It would have been the same with S, because I was giving myself to him, unconditionally, unlimited.  I did try, but not hard enough, to leave him when I began to feel that same emptiness.  But unlike my ex, S would give me an emergency fix and offer up a small bit of himself, and make me feel like he wanted me around, and I’d buy into it.

I realize now that I was not loving myself in either case, that I was just finding a way to keep giving of myself.

Loving ourselves does not mean that we think we are great.  It does not mean that we give our egos free rein over our thoughts and emotions.  It means that we dig deep, we find out what we need and want to lead a rich full life.  And we seek that out.

After my marriage I did that, for at least 5 years. I learned to meditate.  I sought out people who were more enlightened than me.  I read spiritual books voraciously.  I thought I had it figured out, who I was, and how to find what I wanted.

My first foray into trusting and loving someone was with S.  Although I knew and had learned well the power of unconditional love, I still had not turned that love inward.  I still did not ever put myself and my needs first.  I offered it up, and for some reason, felt it was ok if I didn’t get it back.  It wasn’t.  I was already depleted when the Boop came back into his life.  That incident cracked my heart open and took what was left and spilled it out onto the ground.  What could she give him that I didn’t? Why?

The answer was she gave him less, not more.  She wanted less from him, not more.  She was satisfied with less from him not more.  I get it now.  I get it.

Since then, in the last 6 weeks, I have realized that loving yourself means not giving up your dreams.  It means you honor the emotions you feel, you don’t act out on them, you feel them.  You honor them.  You live through them.  You find a way to grow from them.  Use them like the rain, to grow into something beautiful.

I learned that anger is only a mask for pain.  I learned that hate is only a mask for fear.  The fear is that things will now change, you will have to start over, you may live your life out without ever finding the love you want.  Which makes us so willing to accept even small bits of what we want, it’s better than nothing, right?

No.  It’s not.

This is where trust has to enter.  We have to trust that our lives are unfolding as they should be.  That the rich full life and love that we seek will come to us.  We have to trust that when we open the space in our hearts by letting go of people and relationships that are not working, the universe will fill it for us, with what we are dreaming about.  Simplified, it is the law of attraction.  Like attracts like, it’s a scientific physical law, and also applied to energy, emotions, relationships.

In my life, at 40 years old I dreamed I would have an amazing beautiful baby boy.  He was born on Cinco de Mayo in my 41st year, 10 lbs, 15 oz.  22 1/2 inches long.  Today he is 23, 6’3″, athletic, and focused, and kind, and loving and has been the light of my life since the day he was conceived.

All during my divorce (which took me 4 years to complete) I dreamed of owning my own beautiful home, and having my son with me.  That’s all I wanted.  And 4 years ago, I bought it, and my son had already been with me a long time.

What you dream of will manifest.

But first, you have to love yourself.  You have to believe you are worthy of an amazing life.  Of love and belonging.  Of whatever it is you dream of.  I am re-engaging with my dreams, and letting go of trying to make what was always untenable work.

I still will keep a place in my heart for the child who drives that riverboat, but it’s his journey to get it down the river, to steer through the deep and get wherever it is he’s trying to get to.  My path leads away from him now.  And I’m ok with that.  In fact, I am looking forward to moving toward the things that I want.

I’m learning to love myself, and honor myself, and my dreams, and I think that it has a lot to do with learning to live like water.  The journey to source, to ourselves, to becoming more authentically ourselves, is not always easy.  It doesn’t always flow.  It get blocked, and requires work to unblock it.  It requires us to at times make a new path, at times wear the bedrock away.  It requires us to trust our guts and the universe, knowing that the intent of one is the intent of the other.

Small Steps

Posted on by learning to live like water

I tried sleeping without an Ambien last night.  Fell right to sleep, woke up 2 hours later and was up 2 hours.  So, I’m a little tired today.  I’m good though, I’m really ok emotionally today.  I have been doing the Ho’oponopono a lot, and it really helps me to stay centered and grounded.  Just say it while I’m walking around the plant at work, or driving.

A friend at work said to me yesterday, “You still care for him don’t you.”  I admitted that yes,I did,but it’s the only way I can let go, is with love.  She said, “Its that connection isn’t it.”.  Yes.  I told her that right at that moment, I could tell her what he was feeling and it’s really hard to ignore that.  She has been married 40 years, and adores her husband.  She said, “I’ve never had a relationship like that.”  I told her “Me neither.  I don’t even know what to do about it, but to try to just learn to deal with it, and go on.”  So that’s what I do.  If I get an intense “knowing” of what he’s feeling, I have to remember it’s not my deal now, I can’t let it affect me, and I go on.  I have to consciously make an effort to change my thoughts when it happens, and get engrossed in something else.

I’m learning to do that.  When I woke in the middle of the night, I thought of him for a moment, but then much more about Jim, the man I’m meeting for lunch today.  And that was not purposeful thinking, it’s just where my mind drifted.  I’m looking forward to seeing him today.

So onward.  Small steps every day toward healing.  Toward a healthier life.

Monday Morning Musings.

Posted on by learning to live like water

BOTH

I have 4 ginormous bags of candy for Halloween.  About 800 pieces of small candies.  I get about 300 trick-or-treaters.  I live in a very family oriented development, lots of kids. It’s one long street that loops around, maybe 150 homes, well lit.  People bring carloads of kids here and drop them off.

Usually my best friend comes over and hands out candy with me, we sit on my front steps with a drink and have fun talking to and seeing the kids in their costumes.  This year, we both forgot it was Saturday night, she’s not sure her husband didn’t make plans, so I still have to find that out.  Another friend said she might stop by.  But if no one can come, I may ask Jim, the new guy if he wants to come do it with me.

I’m not sure I’m ready to have him at my house.  But I suppose I will know better by the end of the week, when we’ve been out a couple more times.  We have lunch tomorrow, and dinner on Friday night.  He actually made me smile, he wanted to go to lunch, but he said, “I don’t want to give up Friday night though…”  He actually called me yesterday morning to see if I could meet him again for coffee.  I declined, I was making plans to go out and run errands with a friend.  That would probably have been too much for me, too soon, to see him both days of the weekend.  I really have to take this slow.  But it was really pleasant for me to know he wants to see me, that he enjoys my company. I enjoy his, but my heart is so guarded right now.  I want to take my time, and let it open in it’s own time.  It’s open to “like” right now.  Not to passion, but to “like”. Passion too soon gets me in a lot of trouble anyway, lol.  Anyway, he is in the middle of his divorce, not done with it yet. I was a bit concerned about that, but as we talked, I could tell his marriage is definitely over, and just the details of splitting assets etc have to be completed. It’s not a problem for me at the moment, I am not feeling attached at this point.

I have book club tomorrow night.  I always enjoy that, being with 4 of my best friends, talking about our books, and the way our spiritual journeys have impacted our lives.  Yesterday I immersed myself in the book.  Also watched a marathon of Oprah’s new series “Belief” which ended with Louis Schwartzberg’s short film “Gratitude”.  If you get a chance, watch it on youtube, it’s an amazing piece of film.  All of it helped me in moving forward.

I’m feeling at peace this morning.  I have been doing the Ho’oponopono (inspired by Megan) and will continue to .  It is healing for both you and the one you direct it to.  I feel this morning that I have a deeper understanding of unconditional love, and how I can feel it without attachment.  I think I have found my center again.  I have also been doing self reiki, knowing that my heart chakra has been blocked for some time.  One of the members of my book club also performs reiki, I may ask her to give it to me.  It is more effective for me I think, than self-reiki.  At least, right now.

Just some Monday morning musings.  Love and light, all.

Maybe Today is the Day

Posted on by learning to live like water

Starting today.

I struggled yesterday wanting to contact him.  I almost sent him some music, Silver Spring by Fleetwood Mac, and later, Laughing by Crosby Stills and Nash. Both times I typed them and deleted them but came close to sending them.  Then late last night I almost sent him a short message, “Are you bored with her yet?” But realized that would open the door to him, and lead him to thinking I wanted him back, and I don’t.  I’m not used to him being gone yet, but there’s no way back to where we were.  So there’s no point in engaging.  Instead I sent a good night message to A, and got back, “Good night sweetie.”  What a difference in men.  One hell bent to destroy me, one heaven sent to make me happy.

Today I have a chance to begin again.  Today I have another chance to put him in the past.  I loved and lost, but I gained a better sense of who I am, and what I want, and deserve.  A better sense that I am worthy of love and belonging, not some dysfunctional relationship.

I have a meet and greet date today with the man I’ve been talking to all week.  We both seem to be excited about it. Maybe today is the day.  Going to Sam’s Club with my son to stock up the house.  Going to Home Depot at some point this week to get the stuff I need to get my deck painted/stained.  Have to upload my pics of the wedding and get them off to family. Oh, and clean the house, lol.

I have to get a lot more of my book for my spiritual book club read, since we meet on Tuesday!  I have been engrossed with Brene Brown’s Rising Strong, which has helped me to stand back up after S.  The book for book club seems good too, It’s Awaken the Spirit Within by Rebecca Rosen.  So far I like it.  She’s a spiritual psychic, and has a great perspective.

So my weekend will be busy and productive.  I will keep my crown on, and remember that I am worthy.  My rejection by a man who is so dysfunctional is no reflection on me, but on him.  I have taken his crown back, and will hold it in safe-keeping for a man who deserves to be my partner.

Onward….

Moving On

Posted on by learning to live like water

I woke with a sore throat and sneezing this morning, even though I slept 8 1/2 hrs.  I had a feeling that would happen, I was so run down from the weekend.  I wish I could have slept better when I was there, but it is what it is.  It doesn’t change the fact that it was a wonderful weekend.

I talked to a man I met online last night for the first time.  It was odd.  I have had these initial conversations many times.  I met S online, and A.  This conversation felt much more like an interview than getting to know someone.  Scratch him off of the list.  He said he felt I held back.  Which, lol, is the opposite of what most people say about me, when it comes to putting myself out there and saying what is on my mind.  At first S thought it was “refreshing” that I didn’t hold back and just said what was on my mind.  Then when he began withdrawing, it irritated him.  Whatever, I have always spoken my mind, though I try to be gentler about it than I used to be.  I think this man expects a lot of a first phone call!  People have to earn the right to hear my story now, I’m not going to tell my story to someone on a first phone call.  I was much more comfortable speaking to the man who wants to meet me later this week.  I’m supposed to be speaking with him again tonight, to make plans to meet we’ll see where that goes.

S was texting me over the weekend, of course. He has always tried to demand my attention when I’m with my family.  I even told him I have bad cell service there, and every time I’d get service my phone would alert, “I’d like to hear from you.”  “Are you there?”   And when he didn’t like what I had to say which was basically, “I dont know what is on your mind but there’s no way back for us, so why don’t you go bother your girlfriend”, he told me “F**k you” 4 times. I shouldn’t have responded at all. I finally blocked him again.  Then he leaves me a blocked voice mail yesterday, saying he just wants to talk, he doesn’t want to get back together. Why would I want to talk to someone who tells me fuck you, when he doesn’t get the reaction he’s looking for.  And why would I want to talk to him anyway?  He offers me nothing.  There is no joy anywhere around him.

I don’t know why he won’t leave me alone.  He’s got his silent woman.  I don’t want to hear about how he’s thinking of me, how he’s surprised how much he misses me, how I planted seeds of doubt in his mind.  Geezus.  Leave me alone.  For God’s sake, he made his choice, I wish he’d just live with it, and bother her.  Go tell her he’s got seeds of doubt planted, and that he misses me.  She obviously likes the mindfuck game and is willing to play it with him.  I’m not.  UGH.

I suppose some of it was my fault though.  I was reading Brene Brown’s book, Rising Strong, on the flight down to Virginia and she had this whole chapter on how most people are doing the best they can with the tools they have and their level of consciousness at the time.  I wrote a blog about it, but I also sent him a message while I was on that flight, saying “look, I get that you are doing the best you can, and so have I been.”  Because I just hate the ugliness.  But I didn’t mean I wanted to start up a conversation with him again.  So, I suppose I started it.  He never addressed what I said, just jumped right in with how he’s thinking about me, and how he’s surprised how much he misses me.  What is the point of that?   I told him he would miss me, I know it every day because I still feel him. I told him back when he did this, that for the rest of  his life he will hear the sound of my voice, the woman who loved him.  Who wouldn’t miss the unconditional love and acceptance?  Who wouldn’t miss being with someone who doesn’t require you to hide who you are?  But it’s done, he broke it way beyond repair, and I’m over it.

I have hesitated even writing about his contact, I don’t want to give it any energy, but it’s on my mind, how much he loves to fuck with my emotions, and I need to get the energy out of my head, on into the universe.

Onward. Alone, temporarily.

Silence is a Response

Posted on by learning to live like water

S responded to me at midnight last night.  Except, it was a non-response.  No mention of the cruel and juvenile way he told me about Betty Boop.  Instead he has chosen to make a battle of texting vs. talking.  I’m not talking, and since he can’t address my questions about why he did what he did, or own it, I don’t need any more information.  Not going to get into a battle over how we are going to communicate, for God’s sake.  The fact that I am, after what he did, is far enough for me to go.

I won’t play a game with him about this.  His first  two texts, which he said he wouldn’t do, were angry.  He says they weren’t, but he was swearing.  Again…he wants to argue over this.  I do not.  I only want to know he owns what he does, and the consequences of that.  Anything else is frivolous, really.  He has made his choice about who he wants in his life.  And I would never trust him again, so there’s not much to talk about.

He can ease my pain if he chooses, by owning up to what he did, but really…he doesn’t have to now.  His refusal tells me where he’s at.  He’ll say he has not refused, only refused to text.  Whatever.  I refuse to talk to him, I am the one bleeding and I don’t want to give up the layer of protection that texting vs. talking gives me. If he can’t respect that, and understand it, then so be it. Again, enough of an answer, to have him demand I talk to him.

I don’t have an answer about why he was so cruel, nor has he owned the fact that he is, and I’m done asking  for either.  I am fine this morning, with a greater understanding of why he chose her (in great part because I won’t let things go until they are resolved.  There is no lump under my carpet to trip on) and the realization that I really hate these endless circular conversations that never accomplish anything.  Either way, answer or not, it helps to pave the road to letting go, and moving on.

As I said yesterday, I know I broke the rule of NC yesterday, but it gave me clarity and helped my healing get off of the stuck place it was.  So I’m glad I followed my heart, and got the information that will help me let go.  It’s all good.

Retrospecitve

Posted on by learning to live like water

My life generally has rolled along, in a calm, fairly smooth rhythm that I am comfortable with. Working, writing, making jewelry, cooking, reading, taking care of the house, hanging out with friends.  For about a year, there was time with S included in that rhythm, but this summer he took himself out of it, needing to follow a slightly different path. I have missed him.

Lately, the energy has been chaotic.  I had surgery, and before that had constant pain and was basically handicapped, unable to use my right hand.  Work became so incredibly busy, 9 and 10 hour days have become the norm, and I’m still never caught up.  My son started a new job. My old life has just disintegrated and disappeared before my eyes.  Not a bad thing,  mind you.  Just….there were always remnants of it around.  But now our business is closed and for sale, my ex is kicked out of our old house, my beautiful boat is being auctioned off for unpaid storage fees.  Ex disappeared for about a week, which had no effect on me except it was just strange in too many ways.  He surfaced yesterday, he called my son and gave him his new phone number. Based on the number, he is still in town.  To be honest, I’d kind of hoped he had moved farther away, but then…he hates change.  I should have known he’d stay in the town he has lived in or 40 years.

S and I…well anyone who follows my blog knows that that relationship has become tumultuous, difficult, painful…as we both go our separate ways but neither of us has been quite willing to let go, for different reasons.  I’m trying to come to terms with that now, and I think some headway has been made.  I love him, I always will.  But our paths diverge, for now.

I look forward to getting back into my own rhythm.  It won’t be the same.  People, time, and events change us, grow us.  I have grown.  I have had a good look at myself recently, at my reactionary tendencies, and I know where my work lies ahead.  I also know what I need from a relationship more clearly than ever. I have known for some time the direction I want my life to take, and I will forge ahead on that path.

This morning, for the next how ever many days it takes, I am going to just sit back and breathe.  Try to assimilate all the big changes into my life, find the lessons, find some contentment with what is, let go of the things that aren’t and never will be. There’s another gong bath Friday, I am thinking I’ll go.  Acceptance, I guess, is what I will strive for in the present.

I have always considered myself a happy person.  While I don’t always feel happy, I always know that I will be, again.  My faith that things will all be ok…is  strong,  I believe the universe is conspiring in my behalf.  Living in the present, I’ll watch it unfold, and remember to be grateful.

Wanting, or Needing? I Know My Answer

Posted on by learning to live like water

It was late. The pain was still raw, as if I’d had surgery done on my heart. The anger visceral, because it covered the pain. Demons gnawed at my very sinew, baring their bloody teeth. Some of them churned my stomach, like a hurricane in the middle of my body. My breath, my very breath, was being stolen from me. I could feel the fury coursing through my veins, my eyes and head and heart pounding in an evil dance.

I sat on the edge of the bed.

“I don’t want to get in.” I said, to nobody. “Maybe I’ll go sleep on the couch. Then I won’t think of him. Sleeping with her, never with me again.” Although loathe to sleep in my bed, I knew I had to do put one leg in, then the other. Lay on the pillows that we used to share. I had to be comfortable in my own bed.

But first, I put on a nightgown. So I wouldn’t have visions of him, not next to me naked. Next to her naked. So I wouldn’t feel the luxury of the sheets on my skin. So I could avoid the worst pain.

I sat on the edge of the bed again. I had to know. “Is she sleeping in your bed?” I asked. “No.” I drew out some more anger, to mask the pain.

Sleeping pills and wine… I got a little sleep somehow.

I woke 2 hours later, it was 3 AM. I called him, but he wouldn’t answer. I wanted to know. I needed to know. How long had I been the fool?

I’m still the fool. Because I still let it hurt me. Because I still allow the anger to consume me. Because he’s not worth it, he’s never given me back anything. Yet, I sat there, sit here, empty. Wanting him to fill the void.

I guess I always did, and because he was here with me, I thought some day he would.

There’s always a lesson. Some people can’t. Just can’t, fill an emotional void. Some people run from the emotions. They don’t want to feel. So they numb. Numb with drugs, numb with alcohol, numb with cigarettes, numb with food. Some people numb the present by living in the past, because, you can rewrite your past. You can make a nightmare into a dream. Or a dream into a nightmare. And believe it.

I’m kind of getting it. Having someone who needs you to take care of them, keeps you from having to invest in them emotionally. “See, see what I did for you. How can you question my love for you?” “I gave you a kitchen, I bought you a car. Of course I love you.”

But something made her run, into the arms of another man. Who, of course, she didn’t even know, let alone love. A grown woman? No, an emotional teenager. And now she wants out, and of course, he will take care of it for her. Of course. It will prove that he loves her. Of course, it doesn’t prove that she loves him. It only proves that she needs  him.  Then when she runs again, after she is free….he can wear his pain like a badge, “All women hurt me. I don’t ever want to love again.”

All women, except me. I didn’t hurt him. But I didn’t want anything either. Except his love. That was it, that was all.  The one thing that he gives no one.  Not even himself.

But I’ll be gone. I’ll be in the arms and bed of someone who wants me, and doesn’t need to take care of me.

I don’t want to need anyone, nor do I want to be needed. But want, oh what a glorious thing that is, to want someone, and have them want you back. I’ll find him.

Disclaimer:  I don’t know for a fact that any of that about her is true.  It is my intuitions best guess.  Only time will tell.

Taking Stock

Posted on by learning to live like water

I guess I am taking stock of where I am.  How am I doing, really, after the nasty break up?  And not talking to S all week.

I have to say, I’m ok.  I find myself a little pissed off at him from time to time, but then, it’s really at myself. Not like anyone couldn’t have seen it coming.  I loved him, enough that I put blinders on to the red flags.  I am beginning to get used to the texts not being from him, when my alert goes off.  And it doesn’t bring a pang of sadness either.  I don’t know why, but I am sitting on my deck, it’s evening, and for some reason I keep feeling like he’s going to be walking up the steps any minute, but I know damned well he is not, and I don’t want him to.  Just a feeling.  Maybe he’s thinking about me, or something.  Maybe I’m making it up, lol.  Just that we had that kind of connection, and just because part of it is over, doesn’t mean the connection is broken.  It would be easier if it was.  And maybe it is, it just needs time to deactivate.

I have been so angry at him, for being so ugly, and for the way he sucked me back in, only to hurt me.  Why apologize to me, and say you will never do those things again, when that is so far from your intention. The last day I saw him, we lay in bed and fell asleep.  He had a hold of my hand, and every time I tried to move it, he grasped it tighter.  Why?  Just because he could?  And because he could make me think there was something there?

There wasn’t.  Not anything.  Yet I believed over and over again that there was.  Because I wanted to.  Because what was an illusion was what I dreamed of.  He knew, and he played me, to get what he wanted.  Then he unplayed me, again, to get what he wanted.  And me, the willing participant.

Sigh.  I am not really hurting, just reviewing my part in this.  How I allowed myself to be used, and thus abused. How can I blame him, he loves the dark side.  It is exactly what someone who craves that would do.  Powerful ego.  Drives him to prove to himself he can do it, I guess.  Wow.  Cool.  Ugly.

I don’t regret that I loved him.  It’s never a bad thing to put love out into the world.  And he needs love probably more than anyone I ever met.  I love being in love.  I just hope next time, that it’s real, that the object of my affection feels somewhat the same, and has no desire to manipulate me to make himself feel good.  I hope I see the signs and believe them, and am a little more pragmatic.

I’ve been talking to A quite a bit since he kind of came apart on me the other night.  But we are more close friends, even though he occasionally says he wishes I were there with him, or he here with me.  He’s just lonely, it’s been just he and his son for 3 months now, except for short stays with friends or relatives.  And A likes the company of a woman.  It’s nice to have a male friend who tries to make me feel good about myself.

So, how am I doing?  I’m fine.  It’s requiring a little more introspection than I thought it would.  I mean, I was trying to end that relationship for weeks, and he kept drawing me back in with his illness, with his apology.  Just so he wouldn’t have to feel like I dumped him.  Why go there?  I kept telling him we wanted different things.  He kept saying I had no idea what he wanted.  Well, I do.  I did then, and I do now.  He wants to grieve his angel of darkness for the rest of his days, and see how many women he can bed while he does it.  More power to him.  I will not be among the many.