Tag Archives: trust

Friday Morning Musings

Posted on by learning to live like water

Yesterday was a kind of rough day.  I guess I’m not off the roller-coaster completely yet, but the rides are becoming less and less often.  I found myself missing who he was months ago.  It’s painful, it can become so intense.  I am able to get off the ride though, by remembering who he has become. Remembering the incomprehensible choices he made and the cruelty with which he was able to dismiss me.  And because A is always there, reminding me without even trying that I deserve to be loved in return.  Plus, I am excited to meet this new guy this weekend.  We have talked every night this week, we have really hit it off on the phone.

So these things help me crawl out of the slump.  If he hadn’t been so deceitful it would have been easier.  Seeing her and not telling me, pretending for weeks it was still only he and I.  The flirting, the innuendo.  And then his inability to truly let me go after.  But I haven’t heard from him since his voice mail Tuesday, so maybe he has, finally, let me go.  Maybe he realizes I meant it when I said it, I would never trust my heart to him again.  No matter if he keeps her or sends her packing, (which would be his smart choice, but he’s not known for making those), he destroyed what we had with his actions. There isn’t even a friendship there.

So today it’s onward, I am ok today, not missing him.  In full recognition of who he is this morning.  I’m excited about the future for myself.

I was pleased last night that the man I’m going to meet this weekend showed an interest in Reiki and energy work when we talked last night.  He has no knowledge of it, but had a lot of good questions, and seemed genuinely to want to know.  That was refreshing, to know he was open to alternative practices and beliefs, a little out of the mainstream.  I also like that he loves the outdoors, loves the beach and the water.  Like S, this man seems to know and love the Rhode Island beaches.  Maybe I can reclaim them, and make new memories there, instead of always having to think of S when I am there.  I would like that.

When my ex and I divorced, I went to our favorite beach with a couple girlfriends.  We had to walk in 2 miles from the state park, it’s a beach only really accessible by boat.  But I went, and gave myself a few moments alone.  I didn’t want the memories I had there with my son and my ex to keep me from a place I loved.  I reclaimed it, for myself.  Ii will do that with the other places S took me.  He once asked me not to take another man to these places.  It is an unfair request.  I’m not going to lose these beautiful places.  I am going to make new memories.

A was asking me about him, in the interest of wanting to see me with someone capable of loving me.  He said to me, “No more bums, Deb, ok?”  LOL.  Nope.  I’ll be more careful.  I will guard my heart more closely. This man will have to earn my trust, and the right to hear my story.  I already know he can make me laugh and put me at ease.  I just hope there is chemistry when we meet. I feel like there will be, but you never know.

Onward.

The Keeper of the Secrets

Posted on by learning to live like water

I had a text conversation with S yesterday.  It was not with the intention of getting back together, it was with the intention of not leaving things so ugly.

S is S.  I fell in love with the man I saw last winter, a year ago.  The man who would have me over, we’d talk, eat, listen to music, dance in his living room, watch tv, make love, sleep, spend Sundays as he showed me all the secret beautiful places he knew, while he told me stories. There was always laughter, there was never an argument.

In the spring, he began to withdraw, to want time to himself.  I don’t know if he was afraid he was falling in love, he told me in late winter he was open to whatever developed between us and those two glorious weeks that he gave me will always be some of my best memories.

Then his best friend became really ill, (he was older than S by quite a bit) and died.  With his death it seemed, went S’s joy.  Maybe it was coincidental, that he began to pull away at that exact time.  I just know that’s when it began.  I remember going to his house, and finding him sitting on the couch, bereft.  I just sat with him.  I didn’t know his friend (or anyone else in his life) but I knew there were not too many people he felt close to, and this man had been his friend for 40 years or so.

I would say that’s when the walls went back up.  When he decided that loving someone hurt too  much, and chose to withdraw.

In the conversation with him yesterday, I realized that’s the attraction to her.  She demands nothing of him.  He demands nothing of her.  They don’t talk, there is no deep, loving conversation between them.   I think he can fully justify his real lack of care for her because of what she did. I think their relationship has always been like this, and he says it has, then they have been doing to each other, and paying each other back, for the entire time.  He doesn’t tell her his secrets,and I’m sure she doesn’t either.  I’m not sure what’s between them, at all.  It seemed to me that to be with her, he has to deny who he is.  And I guess he does this in exchange for a silent, literally, partner.

The man I loved would never ever be untrue to who he was.  But I found out yesterday all the secrets he hides from her, including wanting to have sex with me during the week when they are not communicating, including very heavy sexting with me (which I no longer respond to).  She doesn’t play with him during the week as we did. I asked him what the attraction is, because she seems kind of uptight for him.  He said, she doesn’t talk much.

I was not hurt in this conversation.  I realize that the longer it went on, the easier it was to let go.  I don’t even know this man.  I don’t get exchanging a closed mouth for a relationship that leaves you needing to go outside of it to be satisfied.  But I suppose in the same way, he can’t understand wanting a rich close intimate in every way relationship, though we had that for awhile.  I thought he was happy with it.  Until he lost his best friend, and I think decided love hurts too much.

I wouldn’t have hurt him. Ever.  I still love the man I loved.  This new man, I don’t know, and don’t particularly like, though I still see the one I love, buried in there and will never just walk away.  I’ll always be around to talk to him.

I feel like the keeper of his secrets.  I don’t know if I even know them all, but he told me many, quantified that he’d never told anyone else.  I had no judgement of him because of them, they just helped me know him.  I always thought they were the incidents that made him into the man I loved.  He was the sum total of his experiences, and I loved who he was, then.  I remember sitting in his living room, him telling me how bad he was, how could I say I loved him.  I said, “It was all a long time ago.  It made you who you are.  And I see you, I see you completely and I love that person.”

This new guy, who is detached, and self serving, and would get involved with this woman who has no scruples, but doesn’t talk to him, leaving him free to be with whoever he wants during the week…I don’t know him.  He’s not someone I would fall for.  But the one who sat on my deck and we talked about our lives and lessons and philosophy and flirted and bantered back and forth, for hours, I love him, I will always love him.

So when I miss him, I miss the guy I loved.  There’s nothing there for me to miss now, so I can let go.  I have let go.  I will be friends with him, I think he, more than anyone I’ve ever known, needs to have someone consistently love him, but love is a many faceted jewel.  I won’t love him the way I did, but I’ll always love him without judgement, without limit.

I’m going to my niece’s wedding today, and I feel free of that huge burden of rejection, hurt, pain.  I’m not jealous of Betty Boop.  I would NEVER want a relationship like they have. I don’t want the man she has.  My heart is free, two weeks later, to find love again.  I’m happy that I feel this way, especially going to see my family.  I will be able to fully enjoy them, there will be no dark cloud over my head.  I am open, and that’s a huge part of attracting what you want, being open to letting it in.

I’ll be his keeper of secrets.  I’m good with that. I’m still honored to be trusted in that way, and won’t break that trust. (My ability to trust him is another story altogether.)  I’ll always feel tender toward him, because I see him. I’ve always seen him.  That’s probably why he could tell me what he has.  Because, I see him, and love that being in his center, just because he exists.  Even though he’s locked up right now.

Peaceful Struggle

Posted on by learning to live like water

There’s still an inner struggle going on, but it’s gone peaceful.  No demands for answers, just sitting with it, and knowing the answers will come.   He always says to me, “Let it be, D.  Let it be. There will be an answer.”  For some reason I believe him this time.  Not going to worry about being able to deal with the answer.  Trust the universe to conspire in my behalf, so even if it doesn’t look like the answer I want, it will be the answer I need.

He’s a smart man.

Gaining Understanding

Posted on by learning to live like water

I went to a gong bath tonight. In case you don’t know what that is, it’s a meditation, which lasts about an hour, which takes place with the vibrations of primarily 8 gongs, with some crystal bowls, drums, bells, and other vibrational equipment. The gongs range in size from about 18” in diameter to maybe 44”. Gongs vibrate at the same rate as the human body, so the sound does not go around you, it goes through you. When they play them loud it’s incredibly loud, and is a perfect time to let go of anything that no longer serves you.

The meditative state I am able to achieve during the gongs is extremely deep. Usually. Generally speaking, the louder the gongs, the deeper I go. That’s because when they are loud, you cannot hold a thought, it’s just not possible.

Tonight, I had no intention when I went to the gong. I know I’ve been through a lot of emotional stuff in the last couple of weeks. Ending it with S, issues with my sister and my mother. Also watching my ex self-destruct, even from a distance, is not pleasant.  While I had no set intention, I knew the gongs would take me where I needed to go.

Tonight, I was in a place where S was, energetically. We were not together, or apart, just both there. He was looking at me. I used to say to him that I could “see” him. I could see his center, I could see his soul, his essence. I don’t think he understood. Tonight, he was, in this deep meditative state I was in, looking at me, I think, trying to see me. He could not. He just looked at me with this questioning look on his face. Of course, in time and space I have no idea how long that was for. In that place it seemed like a very long time. He was trying….but he couldn’t.

I believe for a person to see anyone else, they first have to see themselves, they first have to know that their center comes from love, that love, unconditional love, is the beginning and end of every soul. It is there before you have a body, it is to what we return when our bodies give out. I am sure S could not see that in himself, so he couldn’t see it in anyone else.

I had no regret, no sadness, just understanding. I believe that’s why he kept thinking he needed to be alone for awhile, and discover who he was. And that’s also why I supported his doing that. But every time I supported it and encouraged it and said, “just check in with me from time to time, maybe, let me know how you’re doing” he would want to be with me, for a short time. I can’t do the short time. I can’t do the physical without the emotional. I can’t. But I do hope he undertakes this journey on his own, with out the safety net of my bed to fall into his old ways.

If he ever is able to see himself and love himself, so that he can see others the way I could see him, I’d love to hear about it.

A on the other hand, sees himself, and others, and never has a bad word to say, is happy in his life. And is eager to share love. I don’t think anyone can help but love him, he attracts it, as he gives it. S once said to me, “but you don’t love him.” He’s right, I don’t love him in the way that I loved S, in the way I want to love a partner. But I love him.

I saw him briefly during the meditation too. He just made me smile.

My friend who went with me tonight was having problems with her daughter today. I think most of the problems are because she, my friend, cannot let go of her kids, and they are adults now. On the way there I just wanted to tell her “You are too much in their business.” She knows, studied Byron Katie for a long time, and knows what I mean. There are three types of business according to Katie….mine yours and Gods. We only belong in our own. But I didn’t say anything before hand because I wanted to help her, not accuse her of something.

After the bath, on the way home, I told her that sometimes people have to back up, to get some perspective in order to see each other as a whole person. And maybe that’s what her daughter was doing now. I told her what she needs to do for her daughter is just be there, just love her, unconditionally. If her daughter gets mad, or upset, to just say, “Honey, I don’t want to fight with you. I just love you….can I just have a hug?” I told her that her daughter needs to know she will still be standing there no matter what they dish out to her. Because eventually, they will see it, and love her back.

Love attracts love. Anger attracts anger. Hate attracts hate. But love is the strongest….there is nothing stronger than unconditional love.

It was such a good meditation tonight.

Inaction is Also an Action

Posted on by learning to live like water

Its raining this morning which suits my mood.

I haven’t heard from S for a long while, not since he wanted me to talk to him about why I was upset as I tried to go to bed Thursday night, and I said I didn’t want to talk about it now, that I wanted to go to sleep (because I haven’t felt well, and haven’t been sleeping all that well, and am trying to beat the bug I have, if that’s what it is.) I knew talking about it would upset me, I could already feel the stirring in my solar plexus. I needed to hang up before it was tumbling and turning and keeping me up all night, yet again.

My few texts yesterday were met with silence, except one I sent to him in error, to answer a friend’s text. I don’t know what it means. Usually he comes back with “if you don’t hear from me for a day it doesn’t mean anything except you didn’t hear from me for a day.”

I find that unacceptable, it discounts my feelings. It feels like the silent treatment abusers use (my ex husband comes to mind) to let you know they are displeased. With my ex-h, I got to the point I was glad for it, because it meant I didn’t have to listen to him pontificate on what horrendous and unforgivable things I had done. With S…it is not so intent, I think it means he just doesn’t want to talk to me.

Well, that says something doesn’t it? I mean, no action is neutral, really. Not doing something is also an action. Right now, I am meeting inaction with inaction. It seems easier, at the moment, than hearing his voice with it’s lack of interest. The result will be separation, if it continues, what else can result?

I still trust the universe to work it all out for our higher good. I’m adjusting. I have a pretty busy weekend coming up. Even if not…I won’t have to question my sanity. It’s not what I wanted, but its what I’m given to deal with. I’m good at that, dealing with what is, I think. Or, getting better anyway. I’m getting a lot of practice.

Off of the Spinning Wheel

Posted on by learning to live like water

Ever evolving life, and relationships.  I am choosing for the time being not to be writing about my relationship with S.  I will only say that I think we perhaps hit a turning point last weekend. And this is about me…not him or us.

I have realized how obsessive I have been about our relationship.  I have been unbalanced about it for quite some time.  I was making S my life, instead of giving him a place in my life.  It is too much burden for anyone to bear, to be your life.  As a result, I want to focus on some of the other things that I’m passionate about, while not giving up my passion for him.

Acceptance of what is has not been an easy thing for me.  I have been trying to make sure I am safe, which is a hold over, baggage, from a terrible long marriage.  Too many years lived where I so rarely felt safe.  Even those times that I thought I was, I found out I wasn’t.  It was all, everything, a manipulation.  My ex might make me feel safe for a day, an hour, a week, maybe even a month or two.  And just when I got relaxed and happy, he would pull the rug out, turn my world upside down, with no warning.  Crazy Making.

I apparently expected S to do this too, and he does not. He does not have a manipulative or controlling bone in his body. I realized I have projected my fears onto him, and he didn’t deserve that treatment. He’s not my ex, nothing about him is like my ex.

I feel like I have been spinning around on the outside of a wheel that was started when I was married.  I took 5 years after that was over, and didn’t consider dating.  I wanted to rediscover myself.  After all those years of wrapping my head around someone else, trying to keep him happy, which was not possible, I needed to find out who I was again.

I thought I had a pretty good handle on it, until I met someone I was incredibly attracted to.  Old fears began clawing at the back of my mind, and I wanted to have a relationship that I was safe in,skipping over the part where the relationship just grows at it’s own pace, developing….pushing beyond what he was ready for. I wanted to go from Point A to Point B without traveling the distance.

And suddenly, I saw it.  I saw what I was doing.  I see it now.  And what I realize is, I AM SAFE.  Because I am strong, independent, and have a lovely life of which he is now part, an integral part, but not the whole thing.  I think he is happy about this.  I am happy to accept what he feels able to willingly give me.  I don’t feel the need to ask more.  It’s time really, to trust that the universe has brought us together for a reason, and leave it at that to evolve as it will.  Maybe we will grow together, maybe for a short or long time.  Now…right now, I feel good to have a handle on myself, and trust in myself, and my gut to keep my evolving in a more fulfilling balanced way.

I feel like I was holding on to that spinning wheel with one hand, and let go….just let go.  The wheel still spins I’m sure, but I’m not on it. I may be a little dizzy, lol, but I’m getting my groove back.  Life is good.

Sitting With Our Sadness

Posted on by learning to live like water

Some of the best advice I’ve ever gotten in dealing with difficult emotions is to “just sit with it.”  This advice was given to a meditation group I used to go to once a week.  And honestly, that’s often what we would do for an hour or so there, just sit with whatever we were feeling, in the dark, with quiet music playing, or crystal bowls.  The same facilitator would also tell us, “We don’t need to go excavating.  If you don’t know what is making you sad, it doesn’t matter, just allow yourself to be sad, if you feel sad.  Honor that….”

So, I’ve done a lot of that. I’ve sat through my anger, I’ve sat through my sadness. Sitting with it, allowing it to surface, honoring what I feel, not denying any of it. There are no bad emotions, only bad reactions to them.

Those emotions that we don’t allow, and honor, and instead bury, don’t die. They fester, and rot, and make us sick, literally. I believe that years of unhappy living in a terrible marriage contributed far more to my diabetes than issues of genetics or weight. I don’t believe the body is separate from the mind. As the mind tries to hide from the unpleasant emotions, those emotions pop out somewhere physically. All illnesses have an emotional component. This is reason enough for me, to allow myself to sit with my sadness, anger, confusion, and honor that. Generally, when I have sat long enough with them, they bubble up, and then dissipate.

Meditation is part of my daily routine. I meditate every morning, almost, for about 15 minutes. I find the quiet time generally re-centers me, prepares me to stay focused throughout my day. There are times I catch a quick 5 minute refresher during my lunch hour.

Last night I did it again. I have been told by some people that I talk to much, that I should maybe keep my thoughts to myself, and resist the temptation to tell people exactly what I think. Last night, I silenced my voice, and instead I sat with my angst, my sadness, my confusion. I allowed myself to feel it all, in the middle of the night. For 3 hours.

What happens, when you just sit with it, is that generally acceptance of what is comes to you. Last night was no exception. This morning I accept the reality of what was bothering me, I acknowledge that things are not what I want them to be, and I stop my efforts to make them so. I am reminded of Byron Katie, who says things like, “How do I know it’s supposed to be that way? Because it is….”

As water finds it’s way, I will try to go with the flow. It may seem to be taking me from what I want, but generally, it will get me where I need to be eventually. I may meander from the straight line I wanted to travel, but I may find something beautiful and unexpected in the bend in the river. I may end up where I originally wanted to be but with a richer, fuller appreciation of it. Or I may end up somewhere new and fabulous.

We need, I need, to trust that the universe knows our desires and is conspiring in our behalf to make them reality.