Category Archives: Gratitide

A Good Place

Posted on by learning to live like water

a good place.jpg

Feeling a little passively content this morning.  Not so angry at S, as I have been for 24 hours, which followed reading my blogs from last summer.  I had a hard time with them.  I was in so much pain, all summer.  Trying to make sense of what was happening to our relationship, nothing fitting together. I know he read every one of them, and knew the pain he was causing with his lies, and didn’t care….as long as he was getting what he wanted.

But that’s who he is.  He is who he is, I’m just glad to know now, and be out of it.  I accept him as he is, I don’t invite him into my life though.

I’m sure that the loving attention I get from A has soothed the anger.  It reminds me how insignificant S’s behavior is, in the face of someone loving you.  Sometimes I want to be with A, but I’m so fickle right now, I know sometimes I won’t. Or, I’m afraid I won’t.  Right now, he is not rushing, or pushing me in any direction, he’s just loving me, and I’m just loving him, from a distance, and it is very healing.  Just the right amount of relationship for me, while I continue to put the one with S in it’s proper place, and gain perspective on it.

I’ve learned that I caused so much of the pain I experienced, by trusting S with out his having earned my trust.  I’ve learned that I have to love myself first, and demand what I need.  Over the summer, I thought what I needed was him, but when he refused, what I needed and demanded was that he let me go.  I realize now, that I should have just gone, I didn’t need his permission, or release, because he wasn’t going to give it.  He wanted me to continue to adore him, to desire him…..no matter the cost to me.

I’m stronger now, and wiser.  Whoever I love next, will get a balanced, more mature love, and all the passion I lavished on S…I will have more for the next one.  Because I will make wiser choices, I will love myself more and know my own worth and therefore, attract someone who also feels that way about himself and me. No more high school drama.

It’s all good.  I’m in a good place this morning.  Content again.

Tale of Two Men, or , Too Long In the Darkness

Posted on by learning to live like water

two men

One man is mad with power.  Unable to feel empathy.  Disrespectful of everyone’s wishes, desires, love, care….dishonors everyone, in the pursuit of what he wants.  Never accountable for the destruction that he leave behind him with every footstep.   Convincingly, he tells people what they want to hear, and when they believe his false story, he uses them to do his bidding.  So they will fill his need, his desire.  He offers them some future compensation that he knows he will never give them.  Pretty soon everything he says is a lie, and darkness surrounds him and follows him and envelops anyone who tries to love him.

One man is vulnerable, sweet, loving, fearless.  He feels others pain, more acutely than his own, and is there. Beside them.  Wiping their tears, reminding them they have worth.  Sees people at their worst and tells them that’s when he loves them the most.   He never misses a chance to connect. To be kind.  To show his love, even if he knows you don’t feel quite the same. The light follows him everywhere, every word, every breath.  If he goes into the dark, he brings the light with him.

With the first man, the love was fire, and now it’s ash.  It’s a gray film on the heart, all the loving fire has been dulled, and burned out, burned away.  The fire of lies, and deception reduced it all to nothing but powdery ash, waiting for the first rain to wash it into the ground, to begin transformation into something else.

With the he second man, the love was cool, and now it builds.  He is easy, his warmth crosses the miles.  His unconditional love floats on the breeze and caresses my soul.  She thinks, why….do I deserve this?  It’s not to ask….

There is no asking, why, for either of them.

One chooses disconnection, disinterest, disharmony, solitary solitude.  Why?  It’s not to ask, it’s his to tell, if he ever chooses to.  Or to hide.  Or to hide from.

One chooses love, connection, compassion, kindness richness of life.  His light just shines.  Why?  It’s not to ask.  It’s to accept. Why?  It’s his to tell if he chooses.  Or to live.  He doesn’t care why, he just is.

Two men, a perfect dichotomy.  Everything one is, the other is not.  The ying and the yang, clear in front of me.   I rest.  Too long in the darkness, I seek the light.

 

Soothed

Posted on by learning to live like water

My lovely weekend had a little blip last night.  But it didn’t last, it didn’t hurt. It just triggered some anger, some negative emotion.

It was soothed by a long intimate conversation with A, until way past my bedtime.  At times I wish A was here with me that way.  I love him too.  Our relationship is close, deep, intimate, a human connection. Telling secrets, being honest, and non-judgmental.  It is so good for me, right now, to have a man in my life I can trust completely, implicitly.

He asked me to send a pic of S, he wanted to visualize the devil.  I obliged, I only have one picture on my phone still.  The rest are on the computer that crashed.

A tells me a woman invited him to her hot tub.  He tells me he doesn’t trust her. But he’s going to go anyway, lol.  I said, go….but does she know about the one in MI you are going to see?  No….but he said he wasn’t going to get intimate with the hot tub woman.

We watch out for each other, we love each other more than friends, not like lovers, but deeply.  We are a blessing to each other.  He tells me I saved his life.  I tell him, he saved mine when S tried to crush my soul.  A has always been there for me, to pick me up, to make me look in the mirror, and see that I am still a beautiful person, worthy of love and belonging.  Even with the faults that the mirror shines back at me.  He offers his shoulder, he offers his heart.  He gives me a soft place to land. I hope I do that for him too.

Lucky, so lucky to have him in my life.  It’s no coincidence that we met the day after Scott told me about doing the prison whore, when I was so down, so miserable, so broken.  He was and is a gift from the universe.

I told him, I can be such a shit…and he said, yes, and I love that about you too.

It’s a love like the sun has for the earth….he never says I owe him.  I never say he owes me.

Blessed.

 

 

The Ordinary, The Mundane

Posted on by learning to live like water

tumblr_nvwy5rWiCC1r67m1to1_500

It’s odd, now that I’ve been out of the relationship drama for over a week, how I have to search for something passionate to write about.  I am sick of writing about that drama.  I am sick of living it over and over.

I’m leaving it behind me.  I leave the two of them to deal with what’s left of the drama.  I feel like I did my job, I got the truth on the table, and whatever happens will be a result of people dealing with the truth in a positive or negative way.  But I no longer am part of it.  Thankfully.

My life is becoming mine again.  What do I want?  What do I want to do?  Who do I want to spend time with? What will I give my sisters and my mother and my son for Christmas?  When will my bff and I make Christmas cookies?  What will my son and I have for Christmas Eve dinner and Christmas day?

Just the mundane, ordinary, questions of life that involve happiness, family, joy…

A huge sigh of relief.  It was like being in high school again, so immature, so unnecessary, so draining.  It’s over, and life returns.  Back to where I was two years ago, before S ever entered my life.

Happy to live a mundane life for awhile, lol.

 

Full and Grateful

Posted on by learning to live like water

I am so full of thanks I can barely move.  But…my kitchen is cleaned, all the food put away, the turkey carcass is in the soup pot.  The kitchen is closed, except for a momentary opening to whip some cream in awhile.  My son is sound asleep on the couch in a tryptophan coma.  We have University of Connecticut basketball on the tv.  UConn is ranked pre-season at 18th in the nation.  They are playing Syracuse, one of their big rivals, who are unranked, and Syracuse is winning at the moment by 6 points.

I am starting my 2nd glass of wine now that the kitchen is done.  What a huge amount of food for two people, lol.  I won’t have to cook though, until next week.  I talked to a lot of friends, and family on the phone, by text.  It has felt warm and close and lovely all day.

I really am grateful, for so many things.  I try to make at least a mental list every day.  It is so nice to have my son here all day, and he’s been hanging with me, all day, instead of down in his man-cave.  Still not sure if we will be joined this evening by his friends.

My sister suggested I start volunteering at something even a few hours a month.  She said, that will lift you more than anything else you can do.  I think she’s right.  My bff was talking about starting up something to do with seniors, I sent her a text and asked her to talk to me about it sometime over the weekend.  I need to expand my horizons.  I need to give back, I have been so blessed.  And I need to stop focusing on some stupid drama I should have never been involved in.

Want to spend my time focused on improving this world, and giving back.  I am sick of myself.  And grateful.  LOL.

Love and light on this Thanksgiving Day.

The Darkness Has Passed, and I’m so Grateful

Posted on by learning to live like water

I am in much better shape this morning than last night when I wrote my last blog.  Pretty much back to the place where the whole affair just disgusts me, that I participated in it at all, even though I didn’t have any knowledge of the facts.  I am back to seeing him as a defective, sick man.  Completely devoid of normal human empathy and compassion, as my friend Megan pointed out.  He feels it for himself, no one else.  Not missing him at all.

It’s good to be in a place where the random memory bombs just set off a small detonation, and then disappear.  I feel like I have a clearer understanding of what happened to me.  I see where I was feeling the truth, even though he constantly denied it.  I needed to trust my gut, my intuition more, and going forward, will listen more astutely.  It’s a good lesson for me.

I had been feeling so bad for Betty when I first realized she had no idea, but really….she had a relationship with him that left him to his own devices all week, and he’d already proven to her he was untrustworthy with her former best friend.  She also set herself up.  Yesterday I realized that he didn’t lie anywhere near as much to her, he wasn’t trying to blow her off to see me, so lies weren’t needed.  Just the lies of omission, lol, that he was with me when he wasn’t with her.  But ignorance was bliss, for awhile.  We both had to get the big lie.  I’m just way ahead of her on the healing path.  Who knows, she may forgive him, and let him back.  He can’t be monogamous, he can’t draw a line for himself he won’t cross.  If it’s not me, it will be someone else, one day when she least suspects it.  It’s just who he is.  Lies and deception and living on the edge are what he likes.

Enough about him.  Really.  This morning I’m sick of it again, lol.

It’s Thanksgiving.  I made a beautiful pumpkin pie last night.  This morning I am making a jello mold, the stuffing for the turkey was made Tuesday night.  I have a small 12 lb turkey for my son and I, and will put it in the oven around noon so we can eat around 4.  Then a few other things, twice baked potatoes, baked butternut squash.  My son bought a really good bottle of wine, which was really sweet.  He’s growing up and realized he should contribute.  It will be fun to hang with him for the day.  He’ll probably have friends over tonight, which is also good with me. I love having young people in the house, even though they mainly stay in his space, my finished basement.  Still, I like the energy.  It’s invigorating.

I’ve been talking to A a lot.  He’s really gutted his new home.  His son smashed his finger in a car door and had to have it stitched up.  A is not pushing it with me, though I can feel his feelings have not changed.  And right now…as long as he is not pushing me, it is soothing, and a blessing for me. He said he wishes he were here, he’d love to go to the sweat lodge with me tomorrow.  He sends me love every morning, every night, he reminds me of my worth.  I try to also remind him.  I wish I could love him the way he wants, he so deserves it.  I really have a lot of self introspection to do, though….I am not really in a place to be with anyone.

But I’m oh so grateful for A and his loving attention.  Lots of things I’m grateful for on this lovely cold Thanksgiving morning.  For my son, for my friends who have been hanging with me through all this stupid drama.  For my book club, which is 3 of my best friends.  We’re going out to dinner on Tuesday.  I’m grateful for this blog, which allows me to release my emotions in a productive way.  I’m grateful to live in my lovely home, to have a decent job.  Grateful to be able to put a feast on my table today.  To know what I know, lol, and be open to continue learning. Grateful that a relationship that caused me far more tears than joy in the last 6 months is over. I think the dark days are over for the most part.

Happy Thanksgiving, with love and light.

Just Living

Posted on by learning to live like water

Trying to settle in tonight. My energy seems to be all over the place.

I got out of work a little earlier than usual, only an 8 1/2 hour day today.  I got home, had dinner, then made the stuffing (cornbread and sausage) for Thanksgiving.  Tomorrow night I’ll make the pumpkin pie.  Everything else on Thursday.  It will be nice to spend the day with my son.

My sister sent me a text with a picture of my Mom today.  My sister read the long letter I sent Mom, that my father’s spirit asked me to send her when I was at the psychic.  My sister said she thought she comprehended it, though it’s hard to tell anymore.  But that she was holding the letter and folding it over and over.  I messaged back to my sister, that there’s a story to it, but I’ll just say that Dad requested that I write it.  and told her I love her. In the picture my mom held it in her hands, in her lap and was smiling.  It made my day.

Lots of things to be grateful for today.  Every day.  Gotta remember that.

 

Early Morning Thoughts

Posted on by learning to live like water

Early Morning Sunrise 11-23-15

Early morning sunrise is beautiful this morning.  I have been up since well before dawn, but I slept well last night.

I did my final day of the Deepak Chopra 21 day free meditation this morning.  When it was done I saw this sunrise, like a simple gift from the universe.

Every morning I wake up a little farther from the chaos of the last few weeks, and it usually lessens throughout the day.  I am not slipping backward, which is a huge thing.  I have no more rogue waves knocking me down.  Nothing pushing me backward.

Grateful this morning, I guess.  Just grateful.  There is so much to be grateful for, even the hard lessons.  I can see it all as a gift.  Even though at times, I still pick my jaw up off the floor at the depth of deception that one man can create, he deceived himself worst of all.  His deception made me smarter, and wiser.  I have grown from the experience.  As long as we do that, it’s never a waste.

It’s only a 3 day work week this week.  Hopefully I will go to the sweat lodge Saturday.  I know it would be really good for me.  I feel blessed that there are so many healing opportunities around here to bring me back to myself.  Every day I remember more who I was, and who I am.

Thanksgiving will be quiet as usual.  Just me and my son.  I’m grateful he’ll be home all day. It is the first time in a few years he has not had to go into work in the late afternoon to work overnight for Black Friday.  In fact he has the day off, his new job is not a hot spot for Christmas shopping.

Been texting with A this morning, since early, which is really early for him.  He is telling me about his son’s girlfriend, coming to see him from Maine, to New Mexico, talking about moving out there.  I think he is wistful, that I have no interest in doing that.  I have always told him I could never live in the desert.  I wouldn’t mind visiting, but probably not him for more than a day or two.  I love him, but it’s a love that’s better from a distance than up close.

I’m still sure the up close one is headed my way.

Love and light.

 

Unsettled and Grateful

Posted on by learning to live like water

I am feeling so unsettled this morning.  I suppose I have good reason, lol.  My hand is wrapped up like a boxer.  However the only pain I have really had is a headache from the anesthesia.  I have a difficult time maneuvering in the kitchen, lol, but I suppose that can be a good thing.  I need to actually think about if I want to eat something or not.  Is it worth the hassle to figure out how to say, cut a papaya with my left hand?   Or spread cream cheese on a bagel?  No, probably not.

I have decided to type using my left hand, and the index finger of my right .  Seems slightly more efficient than talk to text, and much less likely to get a blog published that’s not finished, lol.

I am definitely unsettled about work, because I left so much undone, and will have even more when I go back.  Also because the worker’s comp insurance had not yet approved my surgery.  We decided (my boss and II) that I would go ahead and get it and put it through our group health and then workers comp would reverse the billing once they approved it.  This will probably happen before the first bill comes in.  But I hate not having all my ducks lined up beforehand.  It just leaves room for problems.  Murphy’s law and all.

S called me twice yesterday, which was really nice.  At least I am not unsettled about that aspect of my life.

I guess, on that note, I need to count my blessings.

Grateful for S checking on me.

Grateful for my son being around when he’s not working.

Grateful for my close friends.  The one who was willing to give up her day off to sit with me yesterday. I’m glad I could tell her go, I’m fine.  The friend who is gonna come over this morning to check on me.  The girls at work who gave me a lovely scented candle.

My sisters….My mom, who even tho she doesn’t know about the surgery, I know sends me her love.

Grateful for this gorgeous summer morning.  Grateful that tomorrow will be hot, real summer weather again.  I can pretend the summer is not almost over.

Grateful that there is a surgery that corrects carpal tunnel.

Grateful to know that the universe is conspiring to bring me what I want, need.

Love and light….