When a Narcissist Is In Your Bed

Posted on by learning to live like water

Every morning I sit down at the computer, watch the sun come up, and read my email. During the week it’s “Notes from the Universe” that I read first, but I don’t get them on weekends. So I was perusing the multitude of stuff and found this, from Oprah.com

I don’t often write about clinical narcissism. I’ve read a lot of it, but haven’t discussed it too much here. I’ve discussed a LOT falling for and being mad crazy in love with a narcissist though. This morning, there was an article titled “How to Deal with the Narcissist in Your Life.” It is written by Jeffrey Kluger, The author of The Narcissist Next Door: Understanding the Monster in Your Family, in Your Office, in Your Bed—in Your World and he explains how to deal…without destroying yourself.

He listed the 5 places you find them, in your life. The first 2 had to do with work, in the bosses office or the cubicle next door. I didn’t read those, lol. I stopped at #3, “In your bed”. The first advice was this: “Get out of bed. Run away. Don’t look back. Any questions?”

That just made me laugh so hard. It is so true. Because boy, had I recognized it, I would have done that. I knew better. I thought I’d share what else he has to say about it. It’s good information, for anyone who deals with a narc, and it’s not a long read, just a few paragraphs. So much truth, about the being faithful early on, about their sexy charm, about the cheating, about the lying (OMG, that was my narcs specialty, to both of the women who loved him. Imagine how many times he lied to me, and to her about where he was), about them not ever really listening. And yes, I do believe he will always cheat. Maybe not at the moment, but he did, he’s done it a number of times to her, and did to me. I told him I don’t think monogamy is in his genes, and I stand by that. Like it says, it’s about his self image, and he needs lots of women to want him. He told me so many times that he fantasized about having a different woman every day. When I found out about her he asked me, in all seriousness, why he couldn’t have one woman on Wednesday and another one on Saturday? Wow. Just, wow. He may be playing the good puppy on a leash for her now, but that’s not something that will lay low in his psyche forever. One day when she is feeling secure, she’ll loose her grip and he’ll be in someone elses bed. Both times that she’s told him never to talk to her again, he was, or wanted to be, (I said no the second time) in my bed, immediately, again.

Yep, a classic narc. And yeah, get out of bed and run. Don’t look back. It will happen again and again. Heed the red flags flying.

(What always shocks me is how I can at times still miss him so much. And care for him still so much.  Like, WTF is wrong with you????”  But at least I know better than to act on any of it now.)

So, here it is…. and a link to the rest of the article if you’re interested.

“Okay, maybe it’s more complicated than that. It’s very easy to fall for the charm of a narcissist; and since charm often equals sexy, and sexy often equals sex, things get messy fast. Paradoxically, narcissists are often quite faithful in the early stages of relationships, because what frequently leads people to cheat is insecurity: If you’re afraid the person you love doesn’t love you back, you begin looking for your next landing spot. Narcissists can’t conceive that they’re not adored, so they don’t go through that phase.

But they’ll cheat soon enough, because for narcissists, a relationship is all about how the partner enhances their own self-image. That means always trading up to someone who’s younger, prettier, richer—or just plain newer. Narcissists will lie about where they’ve been and what they’re doing; they’ll listen less and less when you speak (not that they ever listened much to begin with), and they’ll leave you flat if you don’t leave first.

If you’re married to a narcissist you’re in a lot deeper. Here you must confront the problem squarely and suggest—indeed, insist on—either marriage counseling, individual therapy for your spouse, or both. Narcissists resist that, since the nature of the condition is that they don’t accept that anything is wrong with them. But stand your ground—and if that doesn’t work, consider leaving the marriage. You deserve better.

This broad rule holds for both sexes, but when it comes to romance, women really are in greater peril than men. A 2008 study, by a researcher at New Mexico State University, looked at the improbable attraction many women have to men who exhibit the so-called dark triad of personality traits: narcissism, Machiavellianism and impulsive thrill-seeking. The paper crunched the statistics and found that these men outscore other men in number of sexual encounters in any given week, month or year. If you’re seeing or married to one of these guys, that alone argues for getting single or unmarried fast.”


Read more: http://www.oprah.com/spirit/how-to-deal-with-the-narcissist-in-your-life_1#ixzz4GXu4xESF


Haiku No. 143: Retirement (7 parts, yeah it’s long, lol)

Posted on by learning to live like water

retirement

Three weeks of work left.
Holy cow! It’s happening!
I’ve never not worked.

Not since age 19
When I was in school, felt free.
I only worked summers.

In 3 weeks I’m done.
A week later, head out west
with my son, I’m scared.

In 5 weeks, I’ll move
Myself. My life. So scary.
So exciting too.

At times, think I’m nuts
to do all this, at this age.
But is there a choice?

No, there’s not, for me.
So onward, to warmer climes
And easier life.

Feeling joy rising.
Peace is happening, starts now
Love is forever.

(Very) Early Morning Musings

Posted on by learning to live like water

I woke at 4:15 this morning. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised because I was asleep at 9:30. I lay in bed for about 45 minutes, just thinking about things. Moving, the foundation cracks, lol, the men I’ve loved.

The moving, the house selling, it will all be over soon. So, I just have to make my way through each day, and do what needs to be done. Taking it one thing at a time, I’m sure I’ll get it all done, easily.

The men, idk. I was thinking about my ex. His name is the same as my son’s so I don’t use it on here, because I don’t want to confuse anyone. But it’s Bruce. I was thinking about the fondness I still feel for S, and how I have none for my ex, who I was with for 40 years. I guess the difference is my ex, B, eroded that love every day for years with his control and abuse of me, and my son. I don’t wish him any ill, I don’t have to, lol. He’s done a damn fine job of fucking up his life with no help from me. I wish him love and light, all good things, but I know with his last breath he will blame me for his problems.

I thought about how, when he was in control, he used to occasionally have these 2 or 3 day brain-washing sessions with me, before my son was born. He would brow beat me, and yell at me, and threaten me for days. I couldn’t leave the house. I was his captive scapegoat for all the ills in his life. And back then we had very few ills. We had enough money, a decent home, a yacht, but still he had to make me feel less than human anytime I began to feel happy and secure. And then he’d say, “I love you, I would think you’d listen to me, knowing it was for your own good.” Geezus. It was for his. To have himself a servant who would do everything, who was dancing around trying to win his favor.

One particular time, during one of those brain-washing sessions, he decided that I did not deserve my 1 1/3 carat heart shaped diamond. He ordered me to give it to him. I refused. He got up from the couch as I sobbed, went in the kitchen and got a pair of pliers out of a drawer where he kept a few tools. He came back, and grabbed my hand and broke the setting, so that the diamond fell out. I am sure, 100% positive, that if I’d fought him he would have broken my hand. He was 6’2”, about 240 lbs, and had arms like most people’s thighs. Very strong, he was a nationally ranked swimmer at one time.

He put the diamond and the broken setting in an envelope and put it in a kind of jewelry box in our bedroom. Folded up tight, so it was about a 1” square. I always knew where it was. I believed that some day he’d realize what a good wife I was, and how I was trying so hard to do everything he asked (while he did nothing at all for me, but I guess I believed I didn’t deserve it) and he’d get it reset one day.

He never did.

When I moved out of the house in 2007, I opened the envelope and took the diamond. I left him the broken setting.

But that just illustrates how dysfunctional he was, and I was, and we were. That we managed to have my son after that is amazing. But thank God, my son is a blessing to me borne of that pain.

S…..well, he betrayed me when I loved him the most. My love for him didn’t die over time. It never had a chance to die a natural death. I grieved and grieved, and still do some days. It’s easier when I never hear from him, I’m much more able to see the dysfunction that surrounds him, and was part of our relationship so much more clearly. I know it would never have lasted, even if there were no B, because I wanted more that he’s capable of giving. It’s been almost 2 months now since I’ve heard from him, and I am fine with it. I have some fond memories, tempered by the reality of his nature. I can love him, who he was to me, I can be grateful for that time in my life. I am so happy to know that after my long miserable marriage, (and long miserable divorce) I can still love someone so passionately, so intensely.

I don’t think he and I can be friends, though. I’d like to be, but I don’t think B will allow it. Even if I’m in FL, 1500 miles away, she would be jealous. He says she’s not, I say, you don’t see it. She’s a master of the passive aggressive stuff. Never wants to talk to him again, until I do. Then she does. Never wants to be with him again, until I am, then she still loves him. Whatever.

I know that I can’t go there again. I can say never say never, but I gotta be real. He is never going to want to make the changes that I’d like to see in him. I think he is much more comfortable with the game playing, the push pull thing, and with misery and unhappiness than happiness, because he sabotages his own life constantly in an effort to prove to himself he’s not worthy. I will always tell him he is. I would, am, always here for him if he wants to talk. But I know he can’t trust himself, so he doesn’t trust me.

I will say, one reason I loved him so, was because he let me be me. All the time. Even though I talked too much, lol. He knew how to quiet me down. Take me to the beach, or somewhere, tell me a story, put on some music that was new to me and tell me about it, or take me to bed. But the freedom I felt with him, after being with a man who tried to control what I said, wore, how I wore my hair, how I walked, yada yada yada, was blissful for me. For that I will always love him. Now that I know what that’s like, I intend to find it again, in a man who is capable of loving, who seeks the light, and is happy and likes himself.

All good lessons with these men. Painful, but good. I know myself, I’ve found myself through the pain that I experienced with them both. I can say to my ex, I love you and I wish all good things for him, he is making himself pay for sins he thinks he must have committed, I am sure. I can say to S, love always and all ways, because that too is true. Because I do. I will. All the betrayal, really, that S orchestrated, was him, sabotaging himself, setting himself up to fail. He hurt me, yes, but for me it’s temporary. I can find my way out. I don’t look into the abyss. I walk away from it, even if I’m on my hands and knees crawling.

At peace this lovely morning. Nice to put things into perspective.

Love and light, everyone.

I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends

Posted on by learning to live like water

I am so blessed to have friends like I do. Honest to God. My friend Peter the gong player, aka owner of probably the most respected concrete company in this area, came over tonight. He came tonight, instead of tomorrow, so that when he gets into his office at 5:30 he can write up a report for me. He’s my age, 65. His birthday is 3 days after mine. And he is up working at 5:30 then at my house at 5:30 PM. He was here for about 45 minutes.

He said all of the cracks are settling cracks. There is nothing structural to worry about. They are caused by not compacting the ground well enough under the slab, and the slab settles, and makes cracks. He said, I don’t need to take up tiles. I can tell you if I take up tiles I will find a crack. But they are all settling cracks.

So, I said, You know Peter, if there’s something that needs fixing there’s something there. But at least if you tell me that I’ll know it’s true. He said, “Deb, there’s no structural damage, nor is there a crack that would cause it.”

So we’ll see what the buyers say when we get his report. He is such a decent man. Holds gong baths, runs sweat lodges, is a long time mentor for The Mankind project. These are the things through which I’ve come to know him, so I know that the way he runs his business is completely above board.

I sit next to our controller at work. I was telling him how my friend who owned the concrete business was coming out to look at my house, and mentioned his company, and the controller said, “Peter?!!!” Turns out, he is best friends with Peter’s brother, was in the Mankind project with him, and has gone to his sweat lodges. I was like, “We had all this in common, all this time???!!!” So we’ve been chit chatting a lot about all that stuff. Who knew, lol!

I’m feeling way more relaxed tonight. I have hot water. I have a slight handle on the foundation cracks. My son is feeling good because he got 2 phone interviews today from apps he’s filled out on line. He’s very excited about the T-Mobile one. He’s hoping they get back to him for a Skype interview.

My work is the same as ever, but I have so little interest in it right now. It is a struggle to stay with it, it really is. I am so ready to be done. 3 weeks after tomorrow. Sigh…..Getting so close.

Love and light everyone.

Rising, A Poem

Posted on by learning to live like water

A thin layer of morning dew
coats the world in the early morning hours.
The sun rises,
and the dew transforms.
Curling, rising,
Finding its way back to source.

When I came outside early this morning, the morning dew was steaming off of every surface.  It was so beautiful.  I captured it in video, but cannot put the video up here.  I hope you can envision it, and share it with me anyway.   Love and light.

By Deborah E. Dayen

Haiku No. 141: Out for a Walk (4 parts)

Posted on by learning to live like water

man walking alone

I saw him walking
I recognized his swagger
The obtuse posture.

Never understood
What I was trying to say
Nor did he want to.

Seeing him loping
From a slight distance, I knew
It was him, and smiled.

Wondered what story
He listens to now, or tells.
Mine is still the same.

Love always and all ways.

By Deborah E. Dayen

Picture from Google Images

Swirling Energies

Posted on by learning to live like water

So….. my friend in the concrete business is going to come over and give me an estimate and a written opinion. For free. It could cost me $500 to do that. He’s a good friend. Really good. I once told him and Linda, his wife, if I ever found another man, I would send him to Peter for lessons. He’s probably the kindest, most generous, loving, grounded and centered men I have ever known. He’s half of the couple, with Linda, who put on the gong baths that I go to religiously. Or did. I hope I can find anything like them in FL.

Then I came home, and ate dinner, turned on the hot water in the kitchen sink, and guess what? It didn’t get hot. I went down to the hot water heater and the furnace. Furnace was on. Hot water heater was on. There was no hot water.

I called the plumber, and texted him. He’s on the way home from Cape Cod where he had a job, so I told him to come tomorrow at 7:30 am. It can’t be much to fix, right? Idk. I thought the water was not hot this morning, and I was going to go check the thermostat tonight. Oh well. Shit happens. I can’t get upset over anything right now. Nothing is easy.

On a brighter note, my son has been filling out apps on line and got a call back from T-Mobile today for a phone interview tomorrow! That is soooo cool. I know it made him feel much better about the move. And he’s found some suitable places to live on Craig’s list too. He gave his boss notice today, and the boss said he’d see if there were any transfers available for jobs out there. That was awesome too.

So, good things and irritating things, just so much of them. I was on sensory overload when I got home. A couple of good friends invited me to go out to eat next week, that will be nice. Sunday my bff’s husband’s band is playing at the local watering hole on the lake. Pretty excited to go and hear them!

Seems to be a lot of energy swirling around. I hope I can stay grounded in the center.

Love and light.

House Selling Dilemma

Posted on by learning to live like water

I’ve been struggling for a couple of days now, with a request from my buyers. They are concerned, purportedly, with cracks in the foundation which they say may point to serious problems with it. If the problems are serious, they say, they could cost up to $10K to remediate. They want me to give them $5k toward this.

My feeling is, this is a 30 year old house, and it’s in CT, where we have 120° temperature changes between winter and summer, and every house of this age in CT has settling cracks. That’s why we all have basements, so that the basement does the settling, and not the house. There is not one crack in a wall, a floor, or a ceiling anywhere in the house, except on the basement floor.  There is no issue of water coming in the house from any source (now that the hot water tank is fixed, lol.)

I feel like they are using it as an excuse to take more money from me, and I can ill afford to give it to them to be nice. But if there is a real problem, I get their concern. (However, I’m pretty sure there’s not, or it would show elsewhere in the house.) So what I am thinking of doing is putting $5k into escrow, to be released upon presentation of a bonafide estimate from a licensed contractor with a paid receipt for a deposit on the work. To be done within 6 months, and for half of the estimate up to $5k.

I’ve stopped freaking out over the money. My life would be so much easier if I could have sold the house for at least what I paid for it, but that’s not what’s happened, and with this market, I’d get no more if I sat around through another torturous New England winter. So I’m cutting my losses and running. I will have enough money for what I need to do with it. And money is a thing. We can get more money. I can’t get more time to retire, to enjoy my life, to do the things I want to do. I’ll have to try to make it up somehow. And I will, no matter what, move on with my life and live it out in peace and joy without freaking out over this.

Life is for living and loving. Not for worrying and plotting. Karma will get them, if that’s what they are doing. I don’t have to worry about it. So I think my plan protects me within reason, I hope they will accept it. Considering that I spent $2400 on a hot water heater for them yesterday, I think I’m being fairly generous.

So…back to work today. It’s a beautiful dry, warm perfectly clear summer day today. And pretty soon, I’ll get to enjoy everyone of them. Almost year round.

Love and light.