This Morning, No Loss, Only Gain

Posted on by learning to live like water

 

happiness

This morning I awoke at my normal time, 5:30. It was lovely, cool. The day yesterday was in the high 80’s, as today is supposed to be, and the night was cool, it’s in the low 60’s this morning. Perfection, not a cloud in the sky. The people who bought my deck furniture have not come back yet to pick it up, so I am still sitting in my sacred space, typing this. Another gifted day for me.

I awoke happy this morning. Really feeling happy. I don’t know if I finally sat with that funk long enough, missing him, or what, but today it seems gone. Today I feel so ready to move forward, with no regrets, not longings for anything that wasn’t. Today I can see that what was behind me should be behind me, and that what I have in front of me can be just the most amazing part of my life.

I have told my son that the least of my worries is whether or not he’ll get a job. He’s been filling out applications online and has had 3 or 4 good call backs. He hasn’t found a place to live yet, and that has been my biggest worry. I told him last night, if he doesn’t have a place to live he’s coming with me, lol. There is no way I’m taking him to Denver without a place waiting for him. He said he’s contacted 50 places and they won’t get back to him.

So I looked on Craigslist myself last night. I came to realize that he probably hasn’t gotten a callback because he has no rental history. I told him, you need to tell them you’ve been paying $400 a month for years, which he has, to me. That he’s been making a car payment for over a year, never a minute late. And he bought some stuff on a credit card, just so he’d have credit, and paid it off on time. I told him to get a free credit check and print it out and tell people they are welcome to see it.

He said he’s going to do that this morning, and hopefully that will make a difference. He is seriously one of the most responsible 24 year olds I know. He’s offering 3 months rent up front. Because I’m serious, he’s not going without a place to live. No way. And I know he doesn’t want to come to Florida and live in a town full of “90 year olds Mom.” LOL. Whatever. Just find a nice place to live and I’ll be good.

Didn’t hear from my buyers about the offer I made yet. I’m guessing they had to have the report checked out by someone. I hope I hear today. I can’t imagine that they won’t take it, if they love the house. I don’t think I could be more fair.

So much to do this week. Tag sale Saturday, and I need to make sure I get everything together that I want to try to sell. Tonight I have a hair appointment, Thursday I’m going out with some friends for dinner. So I have tomorrow night and Friday night to prepare.

Work has become a little easier. I’m turning over most everything to my replacement to do, while I’m still there, to assist in whatever she has questions about. She is still so overwhelmed, she gets so confused so easily, but it’s not to be unexpected. She has had to learn the basics of 3 different companies in a relatively short amount of time. I’m sure she’ll be fine, but I know she’s terrified for me to leave.

The other girl who I’m training is not in such a confusing job, and seems to pick it up easily and does not get too upset, she just figures out stuff on her own. She still requires my help on things, but only things that come up that are completely foreign to her.

I think I’m leaving both jobs in good hands, and have done a good job of training them as best I can.

I met with my financial counselor yesterday to talk about what I need to do with the money from the house, and to find out where I should take money from when I need it, and how to switch over my 401K, etc. It all looks good. I feel comfortable with my plans and he seemed to feel comfortable too.

I’ll tell my ex that I’m moving pretty soon, maybe next week, so he won’t get blindsided by it when he goes to his niece’s wedding. I won’t be seeing that whole family again most likely, except maybe the cousin with whom I’m good friends. But I haven’t seen them for years anyway, so it’s fine. They are all very cloistered in their fears of each other.

So, I’m ready. This morning I’m ready for this next chapter of my life to start, and I’m not even feeling choked up when I think about my son being so far away. Well, a little, but not overwhelmingly. For the last 4 days it was so hard. Today I don’t feel like I’m losing anything, only gaining.

It’s a beautiful day today, my life is becoming what I dreamed it would. At the end of the day, there is only love. Always and all ways.

Love and light.

What Will Be (A Poem)

Posted on by learning to live like water

front door

Today, I imagined
That someone came up the steps
to the orange door
To my bright yellow bungalow.
He was following behind me,
And I opened the door,
I turned to smile at him
And took his hand
And led him inside.

I’m not telling any more about that,
(She says, with a wink and a smile).

But it was nice.
It was fresh,
And sweet,
And loving
And fun.

There were no games.
There was no pain.
There was steamy breath
In the air conditioned room.
The palm fronds swept against the porch
And a tropical wind blew across the deck.

I didn’t think about my past.
I didn’t think about my future.
I was happy
In the moment
With this man who was no longer
A stranger to me.

He’s waiting for me there.
He may not know it, yet,
But sure enough,
He’ll tell me that he has been
After we meet,
When we dance up the steps,
Into my front door,
And close the door on the world.

Caught in the Transition

Posted on by learning to live like water

Words not coming easily this morning. Life in flux, wanting to cling to the old life, while the new life knocks on my door. I planned the new life meticulously. I want it. I’m also afraid for it to come.

Change. So much change.

I went out with my bff last night to hear her husband’s band play at the place on the lake that’s out doors. I expected maybe 10 or so friends, but as it turned out it was more like 40. Mostly her family, who are family to me. They’ve included me in so many holidays, and birthdays, and wonderful events. I’ve no family except my son here, so her family became mine. It was good to see them, before I move. But also so many goodbyes, and people I might not see again.

I have had that on my mind now, all weekend, well longer to be truthful. All the people who I won’t see again. And of course, S…..I guess as long as I was here, there was a chance I might see him again, if he was ever free of her. But in moving, it is unlikely, and I really have to let go. I know he’ll cling to her more, without another option. I know all the bad things he is, yet I also know the good, and I miss him, every day, still.

That’s what was causing my free-fall yesterday. My friends caught me mid-air, and kept me from crashing face first onto a brutal landscape. I am so grateful for these people in my life. Maybe I need to go have a good cry for myself.

I have to get on with the business of downsizing my life. I have to let go of the things that have not served me well. I sold my deck furniture yesterday They are coming back today or tomorrow to pick it up. My sacred space will no longer have a table and chairs for me to sit with my morning coffee, and do my meditation. Until I get to my new home, and buy some furniture for that deck.

Transition. Change. It’s all hard. At 65 I am ready to be settled once again. I know I will be, in a place that will make me very happy. But the next 6 weeks are going to be very difficult, as I let go of a good lilfe here, for what I believe will be a better life there.

Maybe I need to go have a good cry for myself. Release the attachment. Let the love take over and the gratitude. I am so far from the dark place I was in 10 years ago, when I was plotting a way to be free of my ex. My life has manifested in wonderful and amazing ways. I need to trust it will continue to do so. And that it will do this for my son also.

Onward…The only direction possible.

Love and light to all.

Awaiting Rebirth

Posted on by learning to live like water

free falling

Free falling
Can’t find the ripcord.
Headed straight for a fall
A hard,
bone-breaking,
Spirit shattering,
Intersection with reality.

Oh God, that I could change it
That my parachute would appear,
And carry me safely on the wind
To land softly, on my feet.

Prayers rise,
As I fall
Unable to stop the momentum
Unable to grasp
What I reach for.

How does one
Overcome
A fall to earth
Destined to hurt,
Seemingly unavoidable?

If only there were arms to catch me
To soften the ache
That grows larger
As I grow closer to
The impact.

It is total ruin
Of my psyche.
I know not
How to breathe,
Or laugh,
Or cry,
Or feel.

I am dying
Every second it comes closer.

If ruin is the road to transformation.
Into what will I transform?

This pile of skin and bones
Head and heart.
Somewhere,
Among the broken, scattered, pieces of myself
Lies my soul.

Awaiting rebirth.

ribirth.jpg

By Deborah E. Dayen

Pictures from Google Images.

Letting Go of You, A Little Bit at a Time (A poem)

Posted on by learning to live like water

IMG_2193 (1)

Sunrise from the town dock, Longboat Key, Florida

I let it go
On the summer wind,
With the sun in my eyes,
I let it go.

I remembered what we did here.
I remembered how it felt then.
I smiled, and I cried, just a little.
I will always miss what was
and I will always miss what wasn’t.

But letting go is something I’m getting good at.
Knowing that letting go
Opens the space
For something new and wonderful
To come in.

Entering the autumn of my life,
I cling to summer.
So, I go where it is warm,
Where I’ll not be reminded
Of the summer dreams that
turned into nightmares.
Where new dreams will be born.

I wish you love and light,
I wish all good things for you.
Even though we don’t talk,
We talk, on levels we don’t understand.
I still feel you, all the time.
I hope you are happier than what I feel.

Let us both feel good about what was,
Just between us, when there was no one else.
Peace to you. Peace to me.
Love always and all ways.

Selling Off A Bit of My Sacred Space

Posted on by learning to live like water

deck furniture

I have a few things that I need to sell or give away, large items, before I move. Yesterday I put some ads on a FB page that is a never-ending tag sale for my town only. I put my deck furniture and my grill up, for $50 each. I could have sold the deck furniture 10 times in 3 hours, it was amazing. A guy is coming by today to get it. I think I paid Walmart $150 or something for it when I moved in. It needs new cushions, they are all thread-bare now.

But I will miss it. It’s where I sit in the summer, in the morning, in the evening. It’s where S and I used to sit and talk, or star gaze for hours. We watched the meteor shower out here one night. One night we saw moondogs, it was my first time. But I digress. There are so many memories for me, every time I start sorting and packing. This will be good to let go of. One less reminder of what was and wasn’t.

Still, it feels like I’m selling off pieces of my sacred space.  Gotta let go of stuff, like the Buddha says, Non-attachment is the way.

For the next few weeks, I’ll just have to pull another chair out here, and maybe a tv table.

I didn’t get any bites on the grill, which needs new burners. My son said they are not a big deal to put in. The grill cost me $350 or so, It’s in good shape except the burners. It’s a really good grill.

Today I have to clean up the washer and dryer in the basement, the spare ones, and get them listed. I brought them with me from the condo I had been living in, they are perfectly good. I thought my son might want them if and when he moved out, never forseeing the moves that would happen 5 years later. And I have a couch and loveseat in the basement, that he uses. They are both pull-out beds, nice green microfiber. I also bought those for the condo I rented for 4 years. I need to sell them too. Or I’ll have to just give them away.

My neighborhood is having a tag sale next Saturday. So whatever is left, I will try to sell then. I have a lot of just stuff I’m not taking. Like a door wreath for the winter with a snowman on it. Not really appropriate for Florida, LOL. Snow shovels, maybe a rake.

This morning I need to get to the grocery store, and clean up my kitchen counters and floors, then continue with the packing and sorting. It feels overwhelming at times. So much to do.

Last night my girlfriend who is also moving when I’m moving, went out with me for a bite to eat. I just could not put together a meal. Tired, I guess. And needed some human connection, after being alone all day with my thoughts and memories. So we went to a local Mexican restaurant, I had shrimp and bacon quesadillas, it was good. One glass of wine and that was it. It’s been so great to have a friend going through this same thing, albeit she is only moving 15 miles from here, and not stopping working, and her kids will stay with her. So not the same, but still, similar.

At least I’m moving along down this path, getting things done. I hope I don’t have to be at the closing, and can leave a day or two before the closing. Gotta get an answer on that from my atty.

Onward….. Love and light, all.

 

Picture at top is my deck furniture.  🙂

How I Got My Breath Back (A Poem)

Posted on by learning to live like water

You took my breath away
Quietly,
I didn’t notice
That it was gone
Until
I couldn’t breathe.

I wanted to breathe again
‘Twas not my lungs you stole
But my heart
That you constricted.
I gave my heart to you
And you began to squeeze it
Sweetly, gently, at first.
I let you continue.
Not realizing
You wanted all the love that it held.

Greedy, you were.
And afraid.
That I might have some left
For myself
For someone else.
Never knowing
You could have it all
Without taking.

It flowed freely
Till you squeezed it dry.
And when it stopped….
You let go,
You dropped it on the ground,
Like an old cigarette,
Squishing it with your foot
To make sure it was out for the count,
And walked away,
To find another victim
Whose heart you could crush
With your gentle greedy squeezing.

What you didn’t realize was,
When you let go of mine,
I refilled it.
I won’t give it back to you.

You’ll always be a vagabond
Searching for a heart to clutch
And steal the lifeforce from.
But like mine,
When you let go,
Each one will fill up once more,
Never letting you touch them again.

Haiku No. 144: Let Us Rise Strong

Posted on by learning to live like water

Brave and broken hearted

Today is my day
To live, to love, to enjoy.
It’s yours too, my friend.

How will you spend it,
This gift, a glorious day?
Let yourself feel love.

Don’t let the pain steal
From you the joy that is yours.
Your birthright, my friend.

Let the pain transform
You, more lovely than before.
Don’t let it own you.

Feel it til it’s gone,
Then see who you really are.
Rise, my friend, rise strong.

How I Deal With the Pain of Having Had A Narcissist in My Bed (A Sequel)

Posted on by learning to live like water

This is actually a sequel, I guess, to the narcissist post immediately preceding this post.  In the same newsletter from Oprah.com there was this excerpt from Marianne Williamson’s book “From Tears to Triumph, The Spiritual Journey from Suffering to Enlightenment.”

So many people don’t understand how I can forgive my narc, how I can say I still love him, how I can wish good things for him. I think Marianne Williamson explains it here. My quest, my journey, has led me to believe in the power of unconditional love. I believe it is the only thing that can destroy the darkness in people, and the only way to raise the consciousness of all people, is for all of us to try to extend love whenever, wherever we can.

I know he was a classic narc. I know he’s not always happy about that. I know he finds himself in darkness so often, and can’t find a way out. I know he’s been fending for himself since he was tiny, and I know the pain he’s suffered. He’s a classic narc, whose narcissism grew out of some really horrible circumstances.

This article I just copied and will paste below one paragraph from, explains quite well where I am with my emotions for my narcissist. I think the book will probably be next on my booklist to read. I have always said that great beauty can be borne of great pain. I hope this can still be true for my narc at some point in his life, that he’s able to see the soul I’ve always seen and let it shine.

Here are Marianne’s words, with a link to the whole article if you’re interested. Love and light all.

“And that is the ultimate deliverance from suffering—the realization that we can be better people because of it. The spiritual journey from emotional pain to inner peace entails a transformation of our personalities, from being someone weakened by suffering to someone honed by it. Yes, we must look at the darkness within ourselves, and forgive others for the darkness that we see within them, in order to experience the miracle of love that only forgiveness brings. Yet, in so doing, we emerge victorious. And within that light, endless miracles abound. For miracles occur naturally as expressions of love. We grow less imprisoned by our fears as we release them to thoughts of love. No longer in denial about our issues, we atone and learn to forgive ourselves. No longer blaming others, we are able to forgive them. We experience a cosmic re-parenting from which we grow, at last, into the adults we were meant to be. This is the greatest story, the story of all stories, and it is the story of every one of us.”


Read more: http://www.oprah.com/inspiration/the-unexpected-route-to-a-spiritual-miracle#ixzz4GY4zsREc