Nostalgia Realities

Posted on by learning to live like water

  
The picture above is from Brene Bown’s book Rising Strong. It is a short chapter on nostalgia.  She talks about how nostalgic memories don’t always  tell the truth, and they should always be cross examined “recognizing and accepting the inconsistencies and gaps in those that make us proud and happy as well as those that cause us pain”. 

Oh my. Such sage advice.  I tend to look at experiences in my life as black or white, good or bad. My marriage I think of as bad, as black. But you know if I was with the man for 40 years it wasn’t  all bad. My son came from that union, and a lot of good things. That it ended badly doesn’t mean it was all bad. 

As with relationships since. I tend to remember the good times as the way it was, before S’s friend died last spring. And while there were many memorable times, New Years Eve, Sunday afternoon excursions, happy nights and afternoons, there were a lot of moments when we weren’t even speaking.  I just chose to gloss them over.  But it never was the way I’ve tried to remember it. 

I tend to shelve stuff the way it’s easiest for me to access it.  I’m going to have to face the reality of what was, in both cases, and glean the lessons that were given to me when I see the whole picture.  

I love the quote, highlighted in the picture. I used to hear so many stories of days gone by from S. Stories which romanticized his history. But I also know it didn’t all turn out that way for him.  It was a distraction, for both of us.  It made him an interesting man to me, and he was a good story teller. But he also, to his credit, told me how many of the stories ended up.  I didn’t judge, ever. But sometimes I think the fact that I knew the whole story made him uncomfortable with me in the end. He feels safer with someone who doesn’t know. 

Whatever. Just some thoughts on what we do with our memories.  

The Moon in Daylight

Posted on by learning to live like water

  
Did anyone else see the moon this morning?  (I did not take this pic, it’s a Googke image.). 

I have to drive to work over a pretty big hill on my way to work. Some would call it a mountain, but here in New England it’s just a hill, Apple Hill to be precise. Lots of orchards on this hill. When I got to the top, and started my descent, with views of about 100 miles or so, I saw the moon in the clear October Sky. 

It puts a huge smile on my face, and in my heart, to be reminded of how beautiful our earth is.  Troubles seem insignificant in the face of such beauty and grace.  Amazing grace. 

Just felt like sharing.  😊

Real Communication

Posted on by learning to live like water

I love intimate communication.  The kind of conversations you have where you learn about the other persons soul, where there is no judgement, only give and take, and connections are made.

I have these conversations with my friends, often.  It requires the willingness to be vulnerable, to put yourself out there, to show up and be seen, but it also creates connection that is unbreakable.  I think when a relationship ends, for me, it is the loss of communication that I miss the most.  When a friend moves away, I miss the late night conversations the most.  The talks on the deck late into the night over a glass of wine, or a cigarette.  (I don’t smoke, but some of my friends do, or did.)

I do a lot of texting during the day, because at work, my office is a big open space, and most everyone can hear a phone conversation.  Texting is quiet, and something you can do when you have a minute, a conversation can go on for a long time, it doesn’t require that you stop an important task at work to continue the conversation.

I just don’t like when texting takes over for real conversation all the time.  It is nice to hear the other person’s voice, to add the additional information that audio gives you.  The way you can tell if the person on the other end of the line is pensive, or happy, or sad.  If they are being glib or earnest.  I like that I text with Jim but it doesn’t take over, we still talk by phone.  Even A, when we get into a sweet intimate conversation talking about our relationship, past and present, will call me.  I have had what I thought were real, truthful, intimate conversations via text, but found out later, they were just a diversion.  So, I don’t trust texting now, for any personal, intimate conversation.

Communication, real, intimate, truthful, sweet conversation is just such a blessing.

Writing…is also a great way to communicate.  I am generally more eloquent with the written word, lol.  I can look at what I write, and review it, and see if it’s exactly what I meant.  I have been known to send huge long texts…..the kind that are received on the other end as 10 texts, lol. Just because it’s my comfort zone at times, and at times when what I have to say I can’t say, verbally, to the other party, for whatever reason.  Because I’m not somewhere where I can talk, but it needs to be said. Because I’m too emotional to be able to spit it all out verbally.

Tonight when I go to dinner with Jim, I’m going to work at building an open and easy communication, because while he so far has been willing to show up and put himself out there, I can see he’s still not comfortable with it.  And me, I suppose I am more willing, but it’s my nature, first of all, to say, “This is me, I will be this person today, tonight and tomorrow….”  But also, I have been working for years now, to connect with myself and know who I am.

And still, I learn more every day. Close, intimate conversations with others where you listen, speak, and exchange ideas is how we learn about ourselves.  We see what is reflected back to us, we see where we want to go, and where we don’t.

Communication, really, is how we connect, if we are real and honest and willing.

Left-Over Thoughts From the Epiphany Yesterday

Posted on by learning to live like water

I’ve finally come down off the adrenaline of last night’s epiphany about who and what I’ve been dealing with.  It’s a shock to the system, when you finally see someone clearly that you’ve been making up stories about because you loved them.  I’m assimilating, the message is working it’s way through my chakras, I’m fairly balanced and calm tonight.

I told my son a little bit about the plans that he had for me, and my son was like “Say WHAT??????”  LOL.  He never liked the guy, but even he was amazed at the audacity, the sheer egocentricity of the things he espouses.  You just gotta just say, ” Wow, I dodged a real bullet…”  She’s welcome to him.  Ewwww.  Of course, he won’t make the offer to her, lol.  Or even let her know it was on the table.  LOL.  Idiocy.  Just idiocy.  At least I had a good idea of who I was lavishing affection on .  She has no idea, but that’s her own stupidity.  I’m sure she likes the games as well as he does.

Texted with both Jim and A today, A for only a short time.  Jim throughout the day.  It will be a fun to go out on a Friday night!  I think it will give us, particularly me, a much better read on our connection.  Jim seems to feel a good connection, but I’m a long way from that.  I really don’t get his sense of humor, but I think he’s trying too hard to be funny. Although, he just called and made me laugh while we talked.  Maybe it’s just the texting thing, sometimes it’s hard to follow, but I want to try to lighten him up a bit.  I know I have been holding back, and I will continue to do that, so I don’t get myself into another dysfunctional relationship.  But I won’t be holding back because I’m in love anymore with someone else.  With clarity, that romantic love just dissipated.  Gone.  And it’s easier to ignore the connection we have, when I look at him through clear eyes.

You know, we get one good shot at this life.  He actually got two, the second when some philanthropic organization paid $208,000 so that he could get an experimental drug that cured him of liver cancer….I mean, that cancer is usually just a death sentence.  And he wastes that 2nd chance playing games with people, play acting out who he is with everyone and full of self satisfaction when they believe the lie, instead of trying to make his life worth the effort of those who gave him the 2nd chance.  Instead of showing gratitude for his few more years on the earth by trying to love people, and do his best to lift them, as he was lifted.  He is still only interested in getting what he wants, whether it’s right or wrong, whether it makes him a better person, or drives him into a hole, whether it allows him to be connected to the human race, the one great consciousness, or causes him to be separate and alone.  Thoughtless.  Careless.  Ungrateful. Self-absorbed.  But mostly, sad, just sad.

A few left-over thoughts is all.  I’m moving Onward…..

Love and light.

Misplaced Anger

Posted on by learning to live like water

  
I have realized that most of the anger I feel about S is anger at myself. The fact that his consciousness is at a level that allows him to lie to people and manipulate them to believe what isn’t true, doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t have seen it ages ago and removed myself from the hell that he was creating for me.  I did see it, but my ego liked being pulled back in, liked thinking he cared about me. When any fool could have seen it was only himself he cared about. 

He doesn’t know any better.  Doing the best he can, now and forever, means he’s someone I don’t want to spend time with anymore. I wish him well, I know he’s setting himself up, yet it’s his choice, his journey, and far far from what I want in a man. I see him. I don’t want him anymore. 

Loving him, I have no regrets about. He didn’t lie to me, or manipulate me until the end. And I knew it and saw it, and allowed myself to be pulled into the drama. Lesson learned. 

He’s now making a practice of lies and manipulation with her, and I will just disappear from his life.  I won’t be party to it. 

So, over and out. Tomorrow is a new day, and I’m open to whatever happens.  I really hope this time, if the letter S appears in my blog, it’s for someone else. There is no need to keep feeding the monster with this blog. 

Shape-Shifter

Posted on by learning to live like water

I realized last night, after I wrote my “angry, vicious” blog, that I don’t even know him any more.  That the man I fell in love with has disappeared.  That man knew who he was, and was the same no matter who he was talking to. He would never have tried to make someone believe he was something different than who he was.

But for her he’s morphed into this quiet kind of ordinary man.  Not the flirty, very sexual, fun man I know.  I can’t stand two faced people, who behave one way with one person and another way with someone else.  Trust me, the woman Jim knows, and A, is the same woman S knew.  I will speak my truth and let everyone know who I am, although now I will speak it more slowly now.  I would never have a relationship with one man where I was flirty and communicative, and spoke directly, and embraced my sexuality and have a silent, reserved relationship with someone else.  How do I know he’s like this with her?  Because they don’t talk all week.  There is no relationship except one day a week.  So he can be whoever he wants all week, and one day a week, he convinces himself he’s what she wants him to be. She will never know that he talked to me, with lust in his heart, all day yesterday.

Way too many games necessary to do that.  Way too much drama necessary.  Way too many lies that have to be kept secret.  So manipulative.

And no way to ever really connect with anyone.  It’s a good way to stay alone, if that’s what you want.

I don’t.  And I don’t like people who won’t speak their truth with me. Or, will speak it with me, but let me watch them pretend to be different with someone else.

So I guess, there was a reason I needed to talk to him yesterday.  I guess I needed more clarity that he really is able to shape-shift into someone that I never knew, for someone else.

Who has the real guy?  I am gonna say I do.  Because I know…about her, about how she and he really are, about how he changes his personality to be with her.  Because I know his secrets, because I never asked him to be someone else to be with me.  I was always the one who knew.  He didn’t have to manipulate me to win me. He once said, “There’s no challenge with you….”  No.  there’s not.  If you want a challenge, which is just a game, go fuck someone else. If you want a connection, I’m your girl.

I do not want a shape-shifting man.  If he thinks he’s not good enough as he is to tell me his truth, then he better find another woman, one who likes the games.  One who lives the same way, and reinvents themselves for every person they meet.

I said to him last night, Why don’t you become 3 men?  Maybe 10?  Why don’t you ask her if it’s ok if you’re with one person on Tuesday and her on the weekend?  Do you think she’d like that concept?  I said, do you think it would be ok with her that you talked about having sex with me yesterday all day?  Hmmmm, I doubt it.

So yeah, it was painful for me and stupid, but boy do I have clarity now.  For the first time in 18 months, he’s not someone I want.  It’s creepy to me, it’s so manipulative.

He tried to break up with me last January or February, before he screwed the prison whore.  He came to my house, we sat on my bed, he looked me in the eye and said that he didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore.  He held me why I cried, he comforted me.  He allowed me to feel that I had value in his life.,

This time, 8 months later,  I got a text, telling me he was going to be with her, and he was busy and didn’t want to talk about it.  And only talked about it when I told him I was coming to his house if he didn’t.

Who the hell was this new guy?  It’s taken me 3 weeks to gain clarity.  He’s a pussy-whipped weak man, who would devastate someone who has been a good friend to him, who he knew beyond a shadow of a doubt, loved him completely.  Why?  Because she had no idea of the intensity of our relationship, if he told her he was coming up here to tell me face to face he would have had to explain.  Or lie.  LOL. Lying seems to be his current choice.  But the man who looked me in the eye last winter and said, he didn’t want to hurt me and he needed to tell me that he wanted out of the relationship, never would have.  That man could have the hard conversations.

Now he will say and do whatever he feels, and manipulate her into thinking he’s someone he’s not.  It’s creepy.  It’s creepy for me, that I loved, yes past tense, someone like this.  I run from people like this, I look them in the eye and tell them to leave me alone.  I want nothing to do with them.

There is always a lesson from the pain.  I needed to do this yesterday, to have absolute clarity.

Now I can go out to dinner with Jim tomorrow night with a much more free heart.  A much more healed heart, open heart.  Jim wants to take me to Point Judith (a fishing village in Rhode Island) to a place he loves to get lobsters, sometime.  I was a little unsure, because it would be spending most of the day together, it’s about 2 hours from here, but I’m not now. I look forward to the drive, to being with him for the day.  To the lobsters.  I know who he is, so far.  So far he has been willing to be vulnerable to me, I have not felt an inkling of manipulation on his part.  Nor have I manipulated him.  I told him about S.  He knows what he’s getting, he doesn’t know me well, but enough to trust me.

A….well, A and I had a nice conversation yesterday.  S said he hoped he and I could have a relationship like that.  Not while he’s willing to shape-shift to impress someone, and in the process  carelessly and yes, viciously, hurt the people that love him.  A is the same with me as always, and with everyone he knows.  I met his son, his step son, his friends, he included me in his life because everyone knows the same man, there is no pressure.  Jim is the same way.

S didn’t want me to know anyone. And now I see, it’s because he has a different personna for each person.  He wouldn’t know who to be if I was in the same room with say, his daughter, or one of his few friends.  Being a phony is a lot of pressure.  Which is why he has only a few friends, because no one knows the same man.

Wow.  I get it.  I may be slow, but I get it.  Onward, with men who know and like who they are, and don’t shape-shift trying to get everyone to like them.

Add on:  After doing my morning meditation, I realize he does the best he can, that the shape-shifting is a strategy he developed to deal with what has happened to him in  his life.  It doesn’t mean it’s right, but it does allow forgiveness, and release of my anger.  I let him go with love again, but this time, knowing what I am letting go with much more clarity.  I hope he can find a way, before he leaves this life, to be true to himself.

What the Fuck Is The Matter With Me?

Posted on by learning to live like water

So I did something really stupid, for me.  I texted with him today.  I thought I could handle it.  I was feeling detached, happy, like I could just play with him on the phone and be ok.

God, I’m stupid.  I won’t do it again.  By the end of the day, I realized I was so not over him.  That it KILLS me that he sleeps with her once a week….he swears he wasn’t seeing her before.  Should I believe that?  Idk.  I just don’t know.  It doesn’t matter does it?  I cannot stand it.  The thought of it makes me physically sick.

I told him I can’t.  He called me….he said again, what we have, I don’t have with her, it doesn’t involve anyone else.  I said, it didn’t, it does now, because there’s a 3rd person in the room. Not when he’s with her, she doesn’t even fucking know him.  She knows the person she makes him be to be acceptable.  So he doesn’t have a 3rd person in the room.  He has 2 rooms with 2 people.  As if he’s two men.  There is one room, one bed, one man, and two women.  One woman gets in the bed with him, and has a life with him.  The other one cries a lot. Eventually, she disappears.

I feel sick again now.  It’s back in my sacral chakra.  The one where we carry our creativity and our sexuality.  I am sick.  I hung up the phone and sobbed, my head in my hands for a good 15 minutes.  I am still crying.

What the fuck was I thinking?  Who was I kidding?  Geezus.  What the fuck, Deb?  Am I a glutton for punishment?

He didn’t like me saying I snuggled up with A when I went to say goodbye.  I saw him maybe 4 or 5 times after that.  It was the end of May.  I saw him about once a month for a few hours for the next 4 months, maybe he spent one night, one fucking night, even though we talked constantly.  Why would he even care?  Because he didn’t know?  Well, I didn’t know he was talking to Betty Boop.  I didn’t have any idea he wanted to be with her til he told me he was going to be, and he was too busy and didn’t want to talk about it.

He told me I can be vicious with my temper.  Ok, I own that.  I can be.  I use my anger to deal with intense pain.  He can be vicious for absolutely no reason, just because he can be.  He can shove me in the dirt and watch me gasp for air and tell me I’m a bitch because I need air. Because I didn’t see it coming.

Because I loved him so much, and I shouldn’t have, it was stupid of me, and worthy of being treated like a dog. After all, he told me he didn’t want a relationship….except it wasn’t true.  He did, does, want a relationship, with her, just not with me.

Stupid stupid stupid woman I am.

Please God, let the pain make me stronger. Strong enough to know that talking to him will only make me want him.  Strong enough to know better.

Wish I could just run the fuck away.  I wish I didn’t own my home, that I could just move out and run.  I wish my head would stop aching and my heart and my stomach.

I’ve still let go, I hadn’t changed that when I talked to him. But I thought I could just talk to him.  Nothing will ever make this ok.  I just have to get through it, and forget about it.  I wish I could hate him.

It’s myself, really, that I’m mad at.  I won’t ever do it again.  I won’t ever stay with someone who doesn’t want me the way I want him.  I won’t ever tell anyone I love them unless I know they love me too.  I won’t ever give my heart away to someone who doesn’t give me theirs.

I was an idiot.  I set myself up for complete and utter devastation and that’s what I got.  Even though I tried all summer, at least 4 times, to leave him, he sucked me back in.  But he’s not vicious.  No, not at all.  To suck me in for his own ego, and then discard me like yesterday’s trash for a trashy woman. And he didn’t need to be angry to be vicious.  He just needed to feed his ego and get what he wanted at all costs and with the least amount of effort.

Learn, Deb, learn.  And leave him alone.  And if you don’t like this, S, don’t effing read it. I’m the only one who knows who the fuck you are.  THIS is my vicious anger.  Masking my vicious pain.  OMG, I’m so effing vicious.  I wrote a blog, telling the truth.

The Void

Posted on by learning to live like water

“There is a candle in your heart, ready to be kindled.
There is a void in your soul, ready to be filled.
You feel it, don’t you?”
–  Rumi

I do, I do.

I search, I seek, I love, I cry, I laugh.

The void remains.

Sometimes it feels smaller,

Sometimes it feels bigger.

Tonight, it is my whole being,

Voided out.

Empty.

Searching seeking for that which will fill the emptiness, and make me forget.

Gratitude and Connection

Posted on by learning to live like water

Morning of a new day.  Today I will try to get farther along my path of healing.  Today I will focus on the gifts that I have in the present moment.  Gratitude.

Gratitude, true gratitude, is really how I was able to make the turn from devastated to healing.  I changed my point of view from what I didn’t have, to what I do.  From what didn’t work out, to what did.  I let go of the things that caused me pain, and chose to remember those things that brought me joy.

I had questions, unanswered.  I stopped asking them.  To what purpose would I get the answers?  There would be no joy in the answers, only confirmation of things I “know” without asking.  I let the questions go.

I am grateful, there is always a lesson.  There is always something we can learn from a difficult, even devastating, lesson.  We can always become better people.  We can raise our vibration a bit, we can see more of the big picture than we saw before.  We can ask for help, and find out it’s available.

Our humanness may still grieve, but our spirits will lead us out of it if we can listen to it.  Joy is in living, not in regretting, not in pain.  We have to open the door that was set ajar by the pain, and walk through.  Trust…vulnerability….love and belonging….creativity…inspiration.  Open to something new, that will fill our soul more than what we left behind.

Appreciate, and love those we leave behind.  Love is easier than hate, at least for me.  As I look back on my life, I don’t want to have spent much time hating anyone.  Momentary, perhaps, to get through the first initial shock of pain and betrayal, but it very quickly dissipates.  How could I hate someone I loved so much, moments before?  Can’t, in reality.  In the end, love is all there is.

I don’t hate my ex, I don’t hate S.  I love them both, I hope both find happiness and joy.  My ex…shows no sign of having learned any lesson.  S…idk.  I think he feels safe, right now, comfortable in what he knows. I don’t think it’s joy.  He can’t believe in love, and while I find it sad, it’s not something I can change, it’s not my journey.  I think that unconditional love is something you have to experience over time, you have to see that someone loves you no matter what you have done or do, over time, to believe it.  The kind of love I was blessed to be born into.  No matter how angry my parents would get at me for stupid stuff I did or said, they always loved me. That was the baseline.  It was never crossed. So, just because I can’t invite the chaos that S caused my heart back into my life, I will always love him, and if he needs me, I will be there.  As I am for my ex.  The difference between them, is my ex doesn’t accept that, he believes I want to hurt him.  S, I think, knows I will be there.

A seems to have found joy in his new home, and he has a girlfriend there, and I am so happy for him.  We still talk every day, every night he tells me “Good morning sweetie.”, every morning, a good morning.  Often a nice conversation during the day. There are times when he tells me he wishes he could just lay down next to me and hold me.  I feel the same about him at times.  But we are both moving forward in our lives, knowing that our friendship is not definable, and that we will always be special to each other.  We didn’t have a soul connection, but we have a very close connection anyway.  Our purpose in each other’s lives has been to help each other heal, I am sure.  So maybe it is a soul connection.  Who knows?

Jim, I can’t speak about yet.  I don’t know him well enough.  I think he would like to go deeper than he is, he sent me a good morning text as I write.  Sweet, it was nice.

I am blessed by the people in my life, the ones who have been and have moved on, and the ones who have stayed.  I’m grateful for them all.

Just Some Random Thoughts

Posted on by learning to live like water

My lunch was nice.  We went to a deli run by a very upscale restaurant chain in the area.  Great NY style sandwiches, on bread that they make.  I don’t always get a sandwich when I go there, often I get their salads, maybe a feta cheese and spinach croissant.  It was Jim’s first time, I think he enjoyed it.

I explained to him about the freshness of the breakup.  How the relationship was done, but it was still fresh and I was being very cautious, and taking things slow.  He seemed ok with it, He said, “one day at a time.”  I feel better that he knows this about me.  He still wanted to make plans for Friday night.  🙂  He had a son who played hockey until about the same age as my son, so we exchanged some hockey stories, some stories of our youth. our lives. He had his new phone, I sent him his first text today, lol.  And I was the recipient of his first one, ever!!  LOL.

I had a spell where I missed S today, like crazy.  I managed to work through it.  I got back to the place where unconditional love for him is the only emotion I am comfortable with, it is who I am, it is what I believe.

We talked a bit tonight at book club about soul journeys, and contracts, and agreements.  There is a well known surgeon who has written books (or a book) about this. His name escapes me at the moment, I’ll have to find out from my friend who has been to one of his workshops.  But he says, he is sure that in a past life he murdered someone with a knife.  So in this life, he is saving people with a knife.  So, perhaps if we were abused in this life, we are learning the other side by asking to have a life in which we are abused, because we were an abuser in a past life, so that we can know the light and the dark, and grow and evolve.It’s an interesting concept to think about, and we only touched on it.  It leaves a lot of unanswered questions though.

Dr. Brian Weiss, head of Psychology at University of Miami, and author of Many Lives, Many Masters, (and many other books about past lives) found that often the same group of people agree to incarnate over and over again, to work out karmic differences, or to help each other achieve a goal, a lesson that one of them wants to learn.  I think this explains how there are some people with whom we have an instant and enduring connection, against the odds.

I was at a meditation group one night, when  new girl came in.  She sat her chair down next to me.  Instantly, really, within minutes we were in a deep conversation, about crystals, and meditation, and a whole host of other things.  We were on a high speed information exchange.  She and I have remained friends since then, she put me in touch with her reiki teacher when I wanted to become certified.  I used to see a lot of her, but we don’t connect much anymore, because the group has been disbanded, and really people’s lives just run in different directions, intersecting for awhile.  But we always both said we felt like we had known each other forever, immediately.

I’ll be honest here, I felt like I knew S, and loved him,  before I ever met him.  I guess I won’t find out in this lifetime, but it was similar to my friend above.  I don’t know if he ever felt that or not, but really that kind of connection is really on a level I have worked at for a long time, as did my girlfriend above.   And really S and I are so different, such different experiences, there was nothing really to bond us, except a love of the sea, which was strong in both of us.  I always loved that I didn’t have to try to explain it to him, I just knew he felt the same way about it. I’ll always appreciate all the places he took me to along the shoreline.  Though, I’d liked to have gone in the summer too, lol.   Night and day.   But we did….for awhile.  Daybreak and sunset.

Just kind of ruminating on it, because of the discussions we had at book club.