Even in My Sleep, Again. Sigh.

Last night was a kind of tough night.  I’m trying to get off of the Ambien to sleep.  I’m not a good sleeper.  I started taking it when I had carpal tunnel last summer because it allowed me to sleep through some of the pain that condition caused at night.  Then that was immediately followed by the break-up with Scott…and I’ve been taking it ever since.  It seems that no matter how tired I am when I go to bed, the minute the light goes off my brain goes into a busy conversation about everything.  Ambien gives me about 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep, which was such a blessing.  But I know it’s not good to be dependent on it, so I’ve been trying to wean myself.

Last night I didn’t take one. I’d been falling asleep on the couch and I felt like there was nothing going on that would keep me up.  But as usual, I had a hard time getting to sleep, but finally did.  Then I woke up every two hours, did a lot of tossing and turning.

And dreaming.  I normally don’t remember my dreams, but of course….this one woke me up.  I dreamed of him again.  He came here, I could hear the slider to my deck open, and at that point I thought I really heard it.  Then he came up to my room, began snuggling, and then asked me again if I would see him while he was with her (I am pretty sure they aren’t together actually, and won’t be). That part was so real, again, like the last time I dreamed of him.  I felt like he was there.  It feels like a visitation of his spirit or soul, not a dream.  But then some weird, real dream stuff.  It was day, and my cat kept getting outside and chased by male cats.  Scott was severely allergic to my cat. But I had to deal with getting the cat back in.   Then we were sitting outside, in a place I don’t recognize, and we were talking, but I was saying no, I can’t do what you want.  He stood up to go, and I buried my head in his chest crying, and he held me.

That’s what woke me up.  (When he came to see me after he first told me about her, he just watched me writhe in pain, and didn’t make a move to even ease the pain he had caused.)  I haven’t cried over him in weeks, maybe two months.  And I’m not sad about it, now that I’m awake. Nor do I have any illusions about who he is or want him in my life.  But I guess that the dream is some indication that I still have some pain buried from the whole thing which I’ll have to deal with.

I still feel like I have a happy life.  He can’t take that away from me.  I’m tired this morning, but I’m ok.  I just wish he’d stop coming to me in my sleep.  It’s only been twice, but it’s two times too many.   The first time I still feel was more than a dream.  When I woke that time I could still feel and taste smell him in my room.  This time wasn’t quite that bad, but more than I want.

It’s a process.  I wonder when I’ll get to the bottom layer of the pain and hurt, and finally be completely free of him.

In the meantime, I will be grateful for all that I have, and that I have a wonderful life of my own.  That will be my focus, as I continue to work him out of my psyche.

 

Caught in the Riptide

riptide

A….just always there for me.  I don’t know why, I just don’t have any idea why but he is.  It choked me up all day.

He got my message, and his response was….

“Good morning, my love.”

No chastising me.  No questions.  No anger.  Nothing, but unconditional love.

I wished he were here with me.  I wished we were snuggling, sharing a cup of coffee, talking, anything.  I do love him, really….but I can’t sustain that. And I don’t know why.  Before, it was because of Scott.  It’s not him, now.  But I think it might be repercussions of him.

Because I got so triggered this past weekend, and by A, the gentlest, most loving of souls….I have to say, I’m not relationship material yet.  I’m ok on the surface, but there’s still a lot of grief, loss, sadness, anger running like a riptide underneath, and at any moment, it might sweep me out to sea and risk drowning anyone who is with me.   And it’s A who has been by my side.

He hated Scott for me when I could not, lol.  He brought me around to feel sorry for him, when the depth of his depravity was uncovered, he was the first to say, “I just went from hate to pity.  He needs our prayers…”  Because S’s actions absolutely indicated a deep and terrible illness.  And even A, who has played 2nd fiddle to S for months, when I couldn’t let go….can see it, and offer up his compassion.

I love A, and I want him in my life.

But I’m not consistent.  This morning I was gonna try to Facetime him when I got home but tonight, I don’t feel it so much.  I really scared myself, realizing that I almost kicked him out of my life.  God, stupid.  This morning, I felt jealous of the woman in Santa Fe….and tonight, I am back to where I was.  I can’t be what he needs and deserves.  But I want him in my life, for sure.

I was still triggered today.  I imagined talking to S….what would we possibly have to say?  “Why did you do that?”  He won’t know, or won’t say.  He’d ask “Why did you tell her….”  Because she had to know.  It wasn’t fair, it wasn’t right.  You were never gonna tell her the truth, I was going to remain a lie somewhere there.  I’m sick of being a lie, and a secret.  And you would have made me stay that way, and she would have never known the truth.  I fucking loved you, and I wanted to make sure she knew that.  That I didn’t just fuck you, that I LOVED you with every fiber of my being.  That you were trying to be with me just days before.  That I wasn’t what you wanted her to think I was. I was not going to be minimized by you and your narcissism.

You didn’t want to save her pain, you wanted to continue to manipulate her feelings, her love, her emotions.  Just like you did me, but I found out the truth.

So….what would he and I have to say?  Nothing.  Nothing, except I loved you, you tried to kill me.  I don’t know when my heart will ever open up again.  When I will trust someone again.  It was not that you were with her that hurt so much, it was the lies, the cruelty of every thing you did after 10:30 on October 3.  All the voice mails, all the texts, all the sexting, the phone calls, you tried to keep me hanging on while you were with her.  Cruel.  Why couldn’t you just let me go?  Why couldn’t you let me go when you came to the park back in May, and told me you wanted to be by yourself.  Why didn’t you just stick with it?  Instead of asking me to come over? Instead of calling me and telling me you should have come to Florida with me?  Instead of coming here and making sweet love with me?

It’s the loss, of finding out that who I thought you were and adored was some shell you put on for me.  I had to give you up, and then I had to GIVE YOU UP…because you didn’t even exist.  I fucking miss that man who doesn’t exist.  And I grieve for him.

What would I have to say?  Nothing, that could lead to anything but to bring back the pain.

So I almost pushed Addie away today, because the ghost man that I loved hurt me so much that what he did still, 3 1/2 months later,  can stab me in the back when I’m just out for a stroll.

I was drowning this weekend.  Today I managed to get to shore, but I’m tired, out of breath, and traumatized.  I need to do what A wants me to, to “rest in his love.”  And I will.   And S….I’m pretty sure he’ll be alone.  Which is the safest place for everyone else.

 

 

 

WTF Was I Thinking Yesterday??

I have been asking myself all day, “What were you thinking yesterday?”

Thank God, thank God, that he did not answer my text.  THAT was the universe watching out for me.  Knowing that my heart can be soft, too soft for my own good.  Geezus.  It’s closed up tight again in his direction.  Open in all others.

I have all of his texts from back in September before I knew about her at all, through the week prior, to the weekend he told me he was going to be with her, to the most recent after finding out he’d been with her all summer.  And all the ones in between breaking up and finding this out.

We texted a LOT.  Like every day, morning, noon and night.  Even when I wasn’t seeing him, most days we were still communicating.  He was still trying to convince me to be in his life, while she was in it.  I didn’t do it, thank God, I kept that small dignity.  I kept that small amount of self-respect.

But re-reading those texts today….The sheer volume of bold-faced, -look-you-in-the-eye lies that he was capable of just pissed me off again.  I mean, seriously.  I can’t even imagine the lies he told her. The realizations she had to face.   I think because I had let go of the anger, and felt sorry for him.  Even A feels sorry for him, even A says, “he needs our prayers.  I just went from hating him to pitying him.”  And S has caused a lot of pain for A with those lies.

He’s right, S is to be pitied.  That he continued right up til she got my letter to lie, to me, to her.  When someone lies that much, they have no self-respect, no self-love.  They don’t believe they are worth the breath it takes to keep them alive. (Which is probably why he smokes when he has COPD.)

So, tonight on the way home, I was still in re-anger at his ability to look me in the eye and lie. And then I thought about my blog this morning, and half way home just did a “driving” meditation. Breathe in love.  Breathe out Scott.

So, ok, I am not angry.  He is his own worst enemy.  I pity him.  But yesterday, I might have invited him back into my life.  OMG.  I am so glad he didn’t answer, and I got a reprieve from the universe.  To invite that madness back in, with no evidence that he learned ANYTHING, except that he underestimated me.  And that’s a maybe.  He’s still probably trying to figure out why he couldn’t get away with it.

The truth always outs.  I didn’t go researching, I didn’t try to figure it out.  I just knew that a lie will show up, because it’s an anomaly in the universe.  The universe thrives on truth and love and a lie is like rotten apple, the universe will just throw it out and right it.

So, maybe he blocked me and didn’t get it.  Maybe he got it and ignored it.  Whatever it was, GOOD.  I can’t imagine Betty will ever forgive him.  I at least got to absorb it in pieces, she had to face it all at once, in a tsunami of undeniable truth.  I have a feeling they were making plans to retire together.  That’s why the urgent need for him to finish the work on his house, so he could sell it, probably move in with her.  (He told me she had terrible credit, that’s why he’d had to buy a car for her, and she was going to pay him back.  I guess when he screwed her best friend he got the car back… because it’s the one he drove.Of course, that could have been a lie too.) So, I think she had a lot at stake here besides a boyfriend.

He screwed me over, but I’m very independent, and didn’t need him for anything.  I just wanted him, but I can want someone else.  Just think this may have fouled their plans for retirement.  Well….he didn’t want it that bad, or he would have let me go last spring.  He played it to the hilt, to the moment he knew she was going to get my letter.

As for me…I can forgive.  Right now.  I’m not even mad anymore.  But forget?  Invite that lunacy back into my life?  No fucking way.  LOL.  Yes, I feel strongly about it.

Thank you Universe, for cutting me some slack, and doing what was for my highest good.  Blessed, just blessed.

Just Some Retrospective Thoughts

I texted with A till 11:30 last night. He is good for my soul, he loves me so purely. It was soothing after this crazy week.  I told him about the new treachery of the week. How it didn’t cause new heartbreak, but that the sheer volume of the lies and betrayal just  overloaded my ability to cope with it.

He asked if my heart was closed. Yes, until I can figure out how I let this happen to me.

He asked me to open my heart to him. He said just practice on me, lol. No commitment.

I laughed a little. I don’t want a relationship. I want to discover why I have made such bad choices in men, why I so easily believed all the lies when they are now so obviously lies I should have seen 100 miles away. I need to do some soul searching, I need to clear my head.

I told him that the whole thing has made me feel nauseous, like, dirty. Like I was raped all summer repeatedly. I feel dirty. How could I have not known?  To be having intimate incredible sex with someone who was also having it with someone else.  It’s just so disgusting to me.

Lies. Just a bed of lies.

A is such a good kind man, and so stuck on a woman who can’t love him. But at least I have not led him on. He knows the truth.

I gotta admit S never told me he loved me. He told me he didn’t want to be in love. Although once when we were talking about it he said “I said I didn’t want to be. I didn’t say that I wasn’t”.  Another time when he was leaving I told him I loved him and he replied “in my own way I love you too Deb.”  So I guess he kind of did. Enough to keep me there. 

He often said he cared a lot for me, “you know there’s a lot more than sex going on here.”  It seemed so. We spent a lot of time laughing, talking, sharing. All day, every day. An ongoing convo. I was part of his every day life, moment to moment.

I cannot imagine leading A on. I cannot conceive of lying to him to make him think I cared more than I do.  He has always known where I stand. I don’t try to keep him in my life. He stays in it out of choice.

Well, I guess we are seeing the end result of lying as a way of life.

I keep thinking about how S kept telling me to read the Art of War. The first rule was to avoid war at all costs.  Yet.., he set up a scenario that was bound to end up blowing apart two women’s hearts, to start a war. He says he is not unscathed. I have to laugh at that.  It was not his heart that was betrayed so callously, so cruelly, so carelessly.

And kept trying to get me to play the ancient game of “Go”.  He loved it, because it was all about saving face. I hated the idea. Saving face?  Geezus.  Own your story, make amends, grow, change, become a better man.  Save face when you have betrayed people who love you?  What kind of false comfort is that?  I’d have to ask him which face he wanted to save, he has so many.

I’m feeling very detached from it all this morning.  At least, way more than yesterday.  I’m starting to rise strong again.  I’m making pretty good progress, I think. But from time to time I need to reflect, and see at what points I could have made other choices that would have prevented all this pain.

And I don’t need to save face, lol.  I need to stand in my truth and own my story.  And that, I can do.  Every time.

 

Betty’s Betrayal

I’m home with a glass of cabernet.  My God, the drama today.  S is the world’s biggest drama queen.  Geezus.

Once the drama was over for the afternoon, I thought about all the lies that I had been told.  One stood out to me this afternoon.

You may remember back in September S told me that Betty Boop was back in his life on a Friday night.  Then he proceeded to convince me he just meant that they talked, that’s all they had done.  He sent me a picture of him on his bed alone.  He texted me on Sunday or Monday (it might have been Labor Day weekend) and said he wanted to come up here.  I told him I didn’t want to see him, he’d been with her all weekend.  I had cried the whole weekend. Hadn’t slept or ate. Thank God for my friends and my blog.   Thinking of her in my place in his bed, at the breakfast place we used to go to.  Just cried and cried a river.

He kept saying they just talked.  “Thanks for telling me I was with her.  We just talked.”  Two days later I was having a panic attack, and I texted him “You better get up here before I lose my mind.”  He was here when I got home.  We made love, and after he said to me, “I’m so disappointed that you would think that I would just jump back into a relationship with her after what she did to me.”

I said, your voice mails all said that it’s all you ever wanted, you just wanted me to be happy for you.  He said, I wanted you to be happy.  It was YOUR happiness, that’s all I wanted was for YOU to be happy.

I believed  him, I cried and cried again, and he held me.  So we continued on for another month.

And all the while he had been with her all weekend, all summer.

His lies were so convincing.

I was thinking of writing a blog listing his lies.  But there are too many, and the endeavor would make me sick.  Pathological.

Sometimes I wonder how many other women there were, besides me and Betty Boop.

Not that I care now.

But I feel sorry for her tonight.  She got blindsided by him, just like me.  I know exactly where she is, but she’s worse because he told her he loved her. They have a long history.  And she found out this week he’s been with someone else the entire time they were back together.

Even today, when I talked to him on the phone, he told me he misses me a lot.  I said, “if you love her you shouldn’t even be talking to me!!!!  WTF is wrong with you????”  I felt like, what are you doing?  Trying to hedge your bets in case she won’t take you back? Geezus, as if I’d go within a mile of someone that could look you in the eye and lie like that.

He’s cruel.  He loves her?  He loves what she does for him, just like he loved what I did for him.  But love her? He can’t even face her pain.

If I didn’t put a stop to this, it would still be going on, behind her back. I could not have lived with myself if I let that happen when I had the power to stop it.  I was having a hard time as it was, staying silent, when I thought the first weekend they were together was the one where we broke up.  He swore, over and over, he wasn’t seeing her before.

He lied to me, he lied to her.  He denied the relationship with her to me.  And he hid the one with me to her.  To be denied by the man you love is it’s own betrayal.

For his own pleasure.  He did it for his own pleasure.

I feel so sorry for Betty.  I have been there.  I have loved that man with every fiber of my being, and he knew it. When we first broke up I didn’t think I could ever love anyone that intensely again.   And I’m guessing she feels that way too.  I hope she doesn’t hate me.  I hope she’ll be ok.

It’s all over for me.  The nightmare is over.  But for her it’s just beginning.  I hope she’s strong enough.

Peace out.

 

 

 

 

It Wasn’t Revenge

He thinks it was revenge.  Revenge for breaking my heart.  Does he not know that a broken heart stems from love?  Does he not know me at all after all this time?

He said he will never forgive me. I said “why would I care if you forgave me?”

It us only important whether or not I could have forgiven myself for standing by, watching, an not doing anything to prevent any more heartache. 

It was for her.  It was because I saw someone getting the crap beat out of them every day, by a lie they were unaware of that was growing daily.  How do you stand by, when you see someone getting set up for the kill, against their own wishes, and do nothing?

It was for her Scott.  It wasn’t about you.

You devastate me, and then wouldn’t let me go.

As the weeks went on, I saw what you were doing to her.  You were still telling me you didn’t want a loving relationship. She obviously thought she was in one.  She had no idea, none, that daily you were laughing inside, as you tried to get me to see you Sundays, Wednesdays.  And if it wasn’t me, because it wasn’t, soon enough it would have been Samantha, or someone. Because you don’t know why you can’t have whoever you want whenever you want.

Your dream, to have a different woman every night of the week.  Your fantasy.

Her fantasy and mine, to have a man who loved them, and was faithful to them, and building something that bordered on miraculous.

It was for her.  I couldn’t stand by and watch you play with someone else the way you did with me.  I couldn’t watch as you set someone else up for a fatal blow at a time of your choosing.  You know I cannot remain silent, and watch someone get hurt. If you don’t know that about me, it’s because you didn’t pay any attention, you just took what you could from me.

I told you, if you want to be loved, then be lovable. Your actions are not separate from the person that you are, they are a physical manifestation of who you are.

Who you are, right now, is not lovable, because you used two women for your own purposes, oblivious to the pain you would cause.  I told you to stop acting wounded.  You have no idea what a wound is.  You didn’t love either one of us.  You are incapable of loving someone.  You are only capable of stealing from them, to bolster the empty hole that is your heart.  Stealing their pure love, their energy, their lives, so that you can believe you are valuable because these two women love you.

I have told you 100 times, I saw your soul.  Maybe 1000.  You know it was true, you know I knew things about you I shouldn’t have known because you didn’t tell me.  I told you your value is within.  Find it.  Take this time and find it.  Stop leaching off of me and her.

It doesn’t matter what happened to you when you were a child.  It doesn’t matter what you did yesterday.

It matters what you choose to do today.

Try loving yourself, enough to acknowledge who you have been, and to try to be the person you want to be.  The person you think you are when one of us took you to our bed and adored you.

We deserved to be adored back.

It was for her.  It was never about you.  You and only you are responsible for your life.

Bed of Lies

You got away with the first lie.

The others were so easy, weren’t they?

It became fun for you,

To play a game with my heart.

To see how long you could juggle two of us

Before it blew up.

You wanted to be “alone”

“Discover who you were.”

Then when I knew she was back in your life

You were only “talking.”

Yeah, talking while you fucked on Saturday night.

You had already been “talking” for months.

In your bed. Or hers.

And still fucking me.

A week before you pushed me off the cliff

And watched as I splattered across the ground far below,

you said, you were still talking, “a little”.

The lies were so easy,

They flow like dirty water from your mouth.

5 days before you broke me into 1000 pieces,

You told me to forget about the past,

That things can change for us,

“XOXOXOX”

That the future could look bright.

She was out of your bed

About 2 hours.

The lies piled one on the other.

The set up, to shatter my soul was complete.

Even 4 days ago…

“I miss you a lot.

Many times I think I made a terrible mistake.”

You enjoyed fucking with my head

As much as my body.

And for her, one big lie….

That she was the only one.

The light was so bright it was painful

But now, it’s illuminated her path and mine

Away from you

And your bed of lies.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Total Destruction

“Lies and secrets, Tessa, they are like a cancer in the soul. They eat away what is good and leave only destruction behind.”
– Cassandra Clare, “Clockwork Prince”

Yesterday at work, my good friend who was on vacation last week asked to see a picture of the Boop.  So I found it on FB and showed her.  I happened to see that her place of work had a FB page, and I idly clicked on it, with no intent.  At least no conscious intent.  Probably a directive of the universe.  I do think I have been trying to fill the holes in the story of the end of my relationship with S, because it just didn’t fit together with what I knew

The company FB page had pictures of it’s company party from last summer.  August 9. There were two pictures of S there with the Boop.

When, as far as I knew, he was still with me, or by himself.  I may have even seen him that Saturday, overnight, before he went.  I saw him in August, once or twice, but would have to look back at my blogs to see when.

I was furious.  My belief that he was with her all summer, and it was why I rarely saw him, was confirmed.  He lied to me on such a grand scale, it’s beyond anything I could conceive of a human being doing.  I began to text him furiously, and finally said, you better get your ass over to her house and tell her before I do.

This was not meant to hurt either of them.  It was meant to let her know who she was dealing with, instead of living in the lie that he had told her,  that she was the only one for 6 months.  It was to make him finally accountable.  And mostly, because if someone could have called me and told me what was going on all summer, I would have been glad to know, and walked away from him.  All he had to do was to let me go when I wanted to and he’d be home free.

He left me a voice mail while I was at work.  He asked why I was doing this.  I texted him back.  “Because you deserve it.  Because I can only take so much and you have reached the limit.”

When I got to the car after work, I called him screaming at him, “You better be on your way to her house, because I’m calling her when I get home.  Who do you think you are, to be fucking two women and not letting either of them know the other exists???”

When I got home, I called him and asked if he was going.  It was about 6:45.    He answered dully that he was.  I wasn’t sure if I should call her or not.  I knew it would be easier for her to hear it from him than me.  But I didn’t, don’t trust that he actually did it.  I have her phone number, I still almost called her.  Her number is still on the dial pad of my phone.

He texted me back at 7:02 and told me she ended it with  him, and ranted at me.  Looking at that time table, I don’t believe he did it.  I think she is still in the dark.  It seems that conversation would have taken longer.  In fact, I am sure he did not.  He was going to tell her at 6:45, and telling me it was over by text at 7:02.  He continued to send me hateful texts for the next 20 minutes.  More than one word texts.  I was answering them. He lives a half hour away from her.  It is not possible that he typed and read my texts while driving that half hour in the dark.

More lies.  Unbelievable.

So, anyway….

I don’t know if I’ve ever been so angry.  I was not hurt, I have lived through so many lies, such deception, such betrayal, with him, I am numb to any more pain.

But I hate a liar, more than anything in this world.  That he was lying to her I hated.  That he lied to me all summer, knowing how I felt, and knowing what he was doing, pulling me back to him, when all the time he was seeing her was just deception and betrayal that I couldn’t stomach.  Literally.

Why should he get out of the betrayal of me and her unscathed?  I mean, just the day before he wanted to know if there was anything we could maybe do to repair our relationship because he  “missed me a lot. Many times I think I made a terrible mistake.”  I am just so sick of getting bullshitted by him.  I am so sick of thinking I’ve heard it all and having  another handful of shit thrown in my face.

I stopped responding to his juvenile texts and voicemails.  I won’t.  But I may proceed with another idea I have because I don’t believe a word he says to me, and don’t believe he talked to her.  I think he was acting and still trying to keep her in the dark.

He actually said to me “I was trying to atone. ”  I laughed, out loud.  ATONE??? By telling me two days ago you may have made a mistake? OMG, he is delusional.  Or has no command of the English language.  ATONE?

At least he made me laugh.

Hey S, atoning would have been to come clean with both of us, and apologize and try to change into a person that someone wanted to have around.  Someone who could be accountable, own their own story, apologize when they fuck up, and not do it again.  It does not mean that you keep building layer upon layer of lies and deception.

I mean really.  Why would he even say that?  It is so far from anything he has done, ever.

He threatened me that he would send my intimate pics to people I work with, or my family.  I said, go ahead.  They will just know what a loser you are, what an asshole.  You think most people don’t do that for fun when they are in an intense relationship.  No one cares.  I haven’t done anything that I’m ashamed of.  I was reminded when he sent me a pic of BB in the jacuzzi, her breasts exposed, trying to make me jealous.  I deleted it and told him off for sending it.

He texted me that he was surprised I had not posted a victory blog last night.  Victory????  Seriously, that’s how he sees it?  As if I won something?  OMG, does he really not know what I have LOST?  Does he think that I am happy to find out what he did?  He thinks I am out for vengeance.   He’s just a stupid stupid man, who can’t be accountable for anything he does.  He made his bed and he’s finding out that he used bullshit for sheets and is not happy with it. Now that all the pieces fit together for me, I am totally able to let go, cut the cords, and walk, no, run, away.   I have the answers I needed to make a clean break.

If I never speak to him again it will be too soon.  If I never hear his name.  He wished me a slow death all alone last night.  I laughed, because he, like my ex, has crafted a life in which he will be alone, and that’s how he’ll die.  I have family, friends, and a new lover will be in my life.  My life is blessed.

Like I said the other day there would be no good ending to this.  I knew it then, and it’s what came to pass.

Won’t be writing much about him any more.  I am out of love, out of interest, I am walking away at light speed.  The thought of him, and how much I loved him makes me sick to my stomach.  For anyone to treat someone’s love as anything but a gift is unconscionable.  Funny, that’s what the Supreme Court called my ex 9 times in their decision.  S makes my ex look like an amateur.  I want this chapter of my life relegated to “stupid mistakes I made that I learned a great lesson from.”

Total destruction is all he leaves in his wake.

 

 

 

 

Pleasurable Options

I was so angry last night, to find out that the deception was far beyond what I had believed.  The difference is,I wasn’t hurt by it.  This weekend, after I had that moment and sent him an innocuous email, I really haven’t missed him at all, haven’t wanted to be with him, could think about him with no emotion.  So I suppose the universe decided it was a good time for me to get the whole truth.  I hate a liar.  I mean really hate them. My ex was pathological, and S…he is maybe too.  He apparently loves to be manipulating peoples emotions.  He’s worse, really.  My ex would manipulate situations.  He never tried to manipulate my emotions about him.  Whatever.  S is a scumbag asshole, he and Betty Boop can live in their deceptive bliss.  It is so tempting, now that I know her name and could easily get her address, to consider disabusing her of her ignorant bliss.  But I think it’s more effective to let karma play it out.  I just want to get distance from that whole sordid ridiculous childish bullshit.  I could stir the pot, I could cause massive problems.  But it’s not me.  Let him play his games with her, he’ll get found out, and I’m pretty sure she likes the games or is dumber than me, if she doesn’t see what he’s up to.

A texted me last night, at about 10.  I’m usually going to bed, but I was so angry I stayed up and talked to him.  I didn’t tell him about it, but just talking to him calmed me down.  We stopped talking about me going there, but began a conversation about him coming here over Christmas-New Years.  IDK.  I am so conflicted.  But thinking that I’ve never had a bad moment with him, he has been instrumental in my healing from the scumbag.  Maybe I should give us a chance.  He’s loving, and kind, and sweet.  Now that I’m really free of S maybe I should give it a chance to see what’s there.

So, life goes on.  I feel good this morning.  To be free, to have a kind wonderful man in my life who loves me, and the possibility of something.  At least, options that give me nothing but pleasure.

FB Shocker, a Complete Story of S’s Betrayal

I had a shocker tonight.  S always said that he didn’t have a FB account, that his employer didn’t allow it, or want it.  I believed him, why not?  I never checked, but tonight, just fooling around, I found him easily. And his girlfriend.  Wow….just another punch to the stomach on how stupid I am, or was, how easily I believed him.  I mean wow, that must have been so much fun, it must have felt so cool to deceive me.  Like it was so hard…like I didn’t love and adore him. \

Your specialty S.  Lies and deception.  How is it even any fun, when it was so easy with me?  When you said there was no challenge with me, I didn’t realize you meant there wasn’t any challenge in deceiving me, in wrapping me up in your lies.  I thought it was because I made sure you knew who I was, and you didn’t have to work at it to find out.

I sent him a friend request.  LOL.

It is very tempting to bring her out of her “ignorant bliss”.  I have all the texts from the week before he dumped me in the trash.  I wonder if she’d like to read them?  He always said she said if he cheated on her that was it.  He freaked out that day when I said I was going to make sure she knew what he was doing all week with me. God it’s tempting.  Really tempting.  He would call me vindictive.  Yeah.  Exactly.  He totally deserves it, and more.

I’m not really interested in further engaging him, (well ok I just sent him a hateful text, well deserved.  But he’s blocked and cannot answer it.) nor am I interested in getting her up-to-date.  Any woman who would do what she did deserves what she gets.  If, and it’s a big if, what he told me about her was true.  I have a feeling the truth was bent and stretched, and that he’s been trying to get her to leave her husband all summer.  In fact, I’m positive he was seeing her all summer.  It’s why I didn’t see him. He wanted to keep us both.  But she didn’t know about me, or at least, not the truth.  She commented on a post he made about his friend dyning back in April.  That’s when their communication started up again, that’s why he began pushing me away then. Not because he was broken up over his friends passing, but because she was back in his life. Here I was running to his side worried about him.   Asshole.  It all makes sense now, but dang, I am really just so stupid.  I am glad though, to have clarity on who he is, what he was doing, and what happened to me.

As I said, I would prefer to just get as far the fuck away from those two low lifes as possible.  She has a dragon fly as her profile picture.  Maybe that’s why I saw one the other day, to warn me.  She’s about a spiritual as the prison whore. Dragonfly my ass.  Greenhead fly, the kind that bites your ass and leaves a bruise.  Whore. Bitch. User.

It kind of makes me sick, to think I was intimate with him, while he was seeing her.  Slimy, like I was with a slimy slug.  Real creepy.  I’m lucky I didn’t get a disease.

Deceitful.  Sick.  Liar.  Liar liar.  I wish his pants could be set on fire.

A week ago he was trying to convince me that he cared for me.  Geezus, I’d hate to see what he’d have done if he didn’t care for me.

Not that it matters now.  I am over him, I’m over our non-fake-self-serving-him relationship, and if I wasn’t quite over it before, to find out he deceived me in this way would have done it anyway.  I mean, why?  But why, is the question with anything he does.  It is all self serving, and designed to make him feel important.  It’s the sign of  someone who has no self esteem whatsoever, and steals it from who ever is stupid enough, or loves him enough, to give it to him.

He’s gonna be nervous now, that I’m going to tell her what he’s been up to with me.  Let him sweat it out.  It would be good for him.  He hated that I was on here, speaking my truth.  Said I was “trashing” him all over the internet.  My God, he deserved 1000 times worse than I ever said about him.  He is the epitome of a filthy dirtbag.  I didn’t know.  He’s a good actor.

God, what a scumbag.

Anyway, I had a lovely day.  I was at my BFF’s for awhile, watching movies and hanging out.  I am waiting for A to get home from working on his house, he wanted to talk to me tonight.  I got a lot done around the house, and did some cooking for this week. I’ve been having a nice conversation with a seemingly nice man, who has family and grandkids, and seems happy to share himself.

Soon, S will just be a pimple on the ass of my memory.  That’s all.  My belief in unconditional love is being sorely tested at the moment.  Can I stay with it?  I don’t know, I honestly don’t know.