Tag Archives: Lies

Total Destruction

Posted on by learning to live like water

“Lies and secrets, Tessa, they are like a cancer in the soul. They eat away what is good and leave only destruction behind.”
– Cassandra Clare, “Clockwork Prince”

Yesterday at work, my good friend who was on vacation last week asked to see a picture of the Boop.  So I found it on FB and showed her.  I happened to see that her place of work had a FB page, and I idly clicked on it, with no intent.  At least no conscious intent.  Probably a directive of the universe.  I do think I have been trying to fill the holes in the story of the end of my relationship with S, because it just didn’t fit together with what I knew

The company FB page had pictures of it’s company party from last summer.  August 9. There were two pictures of S there with the Boop.

When, as far as I knew, he was still with me, or by himself.  I may have even seen him that Saturday, overnight, before he went.  I saw him in August, once or twice, but would have to look back at my blogs to see when.

I was furious.  My belief that he was with her all summer, and it was why I rarely saw him, was confirmed.  He lied to me on such a grand scale, it’s beyond anything I could conceive of a human being doing.  I began to text him furiously, and finally said, you better get your ass over to her house and tell her before I do.

This was not meant to hurt either of them.  It was meant to let her know who she was dealing with, instead of living in the lie that he had told her,  that she was the only one for 6 months.  It was to make him finally accountable.  And mostly, because if someone could have called me and told me what was going on all summer, I would have been glad to know, and walked away from him.  All he had to do was to let me go when I wanted to and he’d be home free.

He left me a voice mail while I was at work.  He asked why I was doing this.  I texted him back.  “Because you deserve it.  Because I can only take so much and you have reached the limit.”

When I got to the car after work, I called him screaming at him, “You better be on your way to her house, because I’m calling her when I get home.  Who do you think you are, to be fucking two women and not letting either of them know the other exists???”

When I got home, I called him and asked if he was going.  It was about 6:45.    He answered dully that he was.  I wasn’t sure if I should call her or not.  I knew it would be easier for her to hear it from him than me.  But I didn’t, don’t trust that he actually did it.  I have her phone number, I still almost called her.  Her number is still on the dial pad of my phone.

He texted me back at 7:02 and told me she ended it with  him, and ranted at me.  Looking at that time table, I don’t believe he did it.  I think she is still in the dark.  It seems that conversation would have taken longer.  In fact, I am sure he did not.  He was going to tell her at 6:45, and telling me it was over by text at 7:02.  He continued to send me hateful texts for the next 20 minutes.  More than one word texts.  I was answering them. He lives a half hour away from her.  It is not possible that he typed and read my texts while driving that half hour in the dark.

More lies.  Unbelievable.

So, anyway….

I don’t know if I’ve ever been so angry.  I was not hurt, I have lived through so many lies, such deception, such betrayal, with him, I am numb to any more pain.

But I hate a liar, more than anything in this world.  That he was lying to her I hated.  That he lied to me all summer, knowing how I felt, and knowing what he was doing, pulling me back to him, when all the time he was seeing her was just deception and betrayal that I couldn’t stomach.  Literally.

Why should he get out of the betrayal of me and her unscathed?  I mean, just the day before he wanted to know if there was anything we could maybe do to repair our relationship because he  “missed me a lot. Many times I think I made a terrible mistake.”  I am just so sick of getting bullshitted by him.  I am so sick of thinking I’ve heard it all and having  another handful of shit thrown in my face.

I stopped responding to his juvenile texts and voicemails.  I won’t.  But I may proceed with another idea I have because I don’t believe a word he says to me, and don’t believe he talked to her.  I think he was acting and still trying to keep her in the dark.

He actually said to me “I was trying to atone. ”  I laughed, out loud.  ATONE??? By telling me two days ago you may have made a mistake? OMG, he is delusional.  Or has no command of the English language.  ATONE?

At least he made me laugh.

Hey S, atoning would have been to come clean with both of us, and apologize and try to change into a person that someone wanted to have around.  Someone who could be accountable, own their own story, apologize when they fuck up, and not do it again.  It does not mean that you keep building layer upon layer of lies and deception.

I mean really.  Why would he even say that?  It is so far from anything he has done, ever.

He threatened me that he would send my intimate pics to people I work with, or my family.  I said, go ahead.  They will just know what a loser you are, what an asshole.  You think most people don’t do that for fun when they are in an intense relationship.  No one cares.  I haven’t done anything that I’m ashamed of.  I was reminded when he sent me a pic of BB in the jacuzzi, her breasts exposed, trying to make me jealous.  I deleted it and told him off for sending it.

He texted me that he was surprised I had not posted a victory blog last night.  Victory????  Seriously, that’s how he sees it?  As if I won something?  OMG, does he really not know what I have LOST?  Does he think that I am happy to find out what he did?  He thinks I am out for vengeance.   He’s just a stupid stupid man, who can’t be accountable for anything he does.  He made his bed and he’s finding out that he used bullshit for sheets and is not happy with it. Now that all the pieces fit together for me, I am totally able to let go, cut the cords, and walk, no, run, away.   I have the answers I needed to make a clean break.

If I never speak to him again it will be too soon.  If I never hear his name.  He wished me a slow death all alone last night.  I laughed, because he, like my ex, has crafted a life in which he will be alone, and that’s how he’ll die.  I have family, friends, and a new lover will be in my life.  My life is blessed.

Like I said the other day there would be no good ending to this.  I knew it then, and it’s what came to pass.

Won’t be writing much about him any more.  I am out of love, out of interest, I am walking away at light speed.  The thought of him, and how much I loved him makes me sick to my stomach.  For anyone to treat someone’s love as anything but a gift is unconscionable.  Funny, that’s what the Supreme Court called my ex 9 times in their decision.  S makes my ex look like an amateur.  I want this chapter of my life relegated to “stupid mistakes I made that I learned a great lesson from.”

Total destruction is all he leaves in his wake.

 

 

 

 

New Moon

Posted on by learning to live like water

Image result for New Moon

Tomorrow is the new moon.  The day of the month that the dark side of the moon faces the earth.  It is a time to set intentions about what you want to bring into your life.  It’s a time to be introspective, and commit to a new vision.

I am thinking about my intention.  Where do I go from here?  There is no S, only a friendship with A.  With my ex there is just the old stand-off.  I have a good life, all in all. But Ive taken a set back in the recent months.  I have been writing obsessively, trying to get back on my feet.

Inexplicably, I still miss S from time to time.  The S I knew, the one that really never was. I guess for about 6 months he was this guy, because he was consistently this guy, day in and day out.  Then the man just disappeared, he morphed into the old S, the one I never knew that I only heard stories about. The guy I loved was so cool.  But, he was my fantasy.  It was fun to live while I lived it.  When it crashed and burned it almost killed me though.

A….God, he is the sweetest man I’ve ever met.  He is all about me, all the time, but there are some things, that don’t bother me from 2000 miles away, that would bother me day to day.  Still…I was so loathe to hurt him today.  He told me he was “giddy” at the thought of spending 2 weeks with me.  There are times when I really want to “rest in his love” as he put it…but it just feels dishonest.  I can’t reciprocate that kind of love.

Back to my intentions.

  1. To stop obsessing about any of these men. Wasting a lot of energy on it, and there is nothing workable there.
  2. Open my sacral chakra back up.  It’s been closed since S has been out of my life.  It is where our sexuality is centered, but also, where our creativity is.  I’m going to work on opening my creativity back up.  Put that energy that I’ve been stifling because it made me miss him so much, into something productive, and beautiful.  Something that is uniquely me.
  3. To stop beating myself up as not good enough.  Rejection is so hard to take, when you’ve given all you have and then some.   I’ve been working on this, but I still find myself going there occasionally.  I suppose time and distance will help to resolve those emotions. But so will setting an intention on the New Moon.
  4. To begin open my heart to allowing in someone new, someone who wants what I want, can make me laugh but not cry, and love passionately. I’m a little afraid, really….to put myself out there at the moment.  So, one of my intentions will be to let go the fear that comes from hitting the floor so hard.

I have had a lump in my throat all day, since I talked to my ex this morning.  Not because I loved him or wanted him, but to see what he’s done to his life is just so sad.  Then I think about S, and how much he’s like my ex, and what he’s doing to his life with all the lies and deceit that are so unnecessary.  Especially with me.  I was like the girl in Jerry Maguire “You had me at hello.”  He didn’t need to hide or embellish.  He was so lovable just as he was.  But then, no one really knows him, so I can only say I loved that man that I knew.  I think I knew the most honest version of him that anyone did.  But that man’s gone now, so I let my love for him go with him, out into the universe.

Anyway, new moon. New intentions.  I have a first phone call with a seemingly nice man tomorrow night.  I hope he isn’t boring! He doesn’t seem so in his messages.  Seems willing to jump into the arena and be seen.

Maybe the new moon is a good time for that first phone call.

Waking Up With a Heavy Heart

Posted on by learning to live like water

I woke up this morning, sure I don’t want A to come here.  Now I have to tell him. Not looking forward to that.  He is so sweet, he will be so hurt.  But everything in me is saying no….

Now that he wants to come for 2 weeks, he will be disappointed with less, and I realize that while I love and appreciate him so much, I am not in love with him.  I can’t pretend that for 1 day, let alone 5 days, or 2 weeks.  I don’t act, I can’t lie.  So, I’ll have to deal with that soon. Whenever I have an unpleasant task to do, I need to do it, as quickly as possible.  It weighs on me not to.  I wish I could match his affection for me.  He so deserves it.  But I don’t, I can’t, I’ve known him long enough to know that it’s not happening for me.

I was thinking about my ex and S, how similar they are, that they so don’t believe that they are worthy of love and belonging, that they fabricate a whole world to manipulate people into their lives.  I can’t imagine having to wake up every day and have to face that.  I mean, to the point that the whole world is skewed, that they believe the people who really do love them are trying to get something from them.  They look with disdain on the people who just love them, because those people innocently believed the carefully crafted lies that have been woven to make themselves acceptable to others.

I feel full of love and compassion for those two men this morning.  If they could just see that they are lovable.  In my ex’s case, he hides from the world.  His cousin in Florida called me the other night, to get his phone number because she wanted to check on him.  She doesn’t understand him.  I tried to explain that he doesn’t want to be known, he wouldn’t even tell me where he was living. I found out from my old next door neighbor that he is renting the cottage right next door to the house he lived in for 40 years.  But the cousin just doesn’t understand that he’s alone out of choice.

S…still wants to draw people into his life, but with lies and deception.  He doesn’t believe anyone can really love him the way I did…just because he is.  He thinks, as my ex does, that if you love someone that way you are just stupid, naive. I always said I saw him, I have told him that since forever.  I still see  him.  I still see that soul inside of him that just wants to be loved, but he’s crafted so many lies and such deception, and so convinced himself that love is not real….he also crafts a world in which he is alone, and no one really knows him.  And if someone does…like me….he runs away from them.  Afraid they will destroy the false world he’s put together. Both men believe they have to be separate to protect themselves, when the truth is we are all connected.

I have not heard a word out of S, in over a week.  I imagine that he was thinking he was punishing me, but now he is probably feeling a lot of shame at having been found out.  When I left him a voice mail, I tried to convey that I am not judging him, I see him, I know why he’s done what he’s done.  I feel sorry for him, is all, that he believes the only way he can keep people in his life is to craft a fake self that he thinks is more lovable than his true self.  Just so sad.

It’s not my job to teach either one of these men.  It is my job, when and if I ever interact with them, to extend love and compassion as much as possible.

Too much heavy crap on my mind this morning. I’m going to deal with A today somehow.  And then forget about the mess that S and my ex have created for themselves, and be grateful for all the blessings I have.

12 Hours of Being Wretchedly Pathetic

Posted on by learning to live like water

God, I am so pathetic.  Why in the world do I even care what he does or thinks.  My head doesn’t, my head knows I am better off out of that crazy, immature, unbalanced relationship.  I wish the message would get to my heart, I wish the wounds would close and stay that way.

Weekends are hard, really hard.  I know he’s spending the weekend with her, and I know with me he could barely find an afternoon or evening for me.  I am jealous.  Mostly because he’s with this woman who according to him just devastated him, yet he chooses her. And chose to just be cruel to me, like I was a task he needed to get over with so he just got rid of me as quickly and carelessly as possible.

Just another piece of housework for him, like taking the trash out.  The nausea is back.

For all I know, none of what he told me about her was true, or it was only part of the story.  I tended to believe him and all his tall sad tales, but too many of my friends have asked, “Why do you believe him?  You shouldn’t believe anything he says, or said.  It was all manipulation.”  Maybe. Maybe all the “secrets” he told me, that no one else knew, not his wives or Betty Boop, were just stories fabricated by him, to see if I’d believe him, or still want him.  A test to see how I reacted, so he could see how far he could go with me and still have me loving him. That’s what it was with my ex, he is not unlike my ex.

I tend to think now, that what she did to him was revenge for what he did to her, that he declined to own up to his part in it when he told me the story.  But it kind of leaked out, over time.  I remember one morning when we were out to breakfast, maybe a year ago, when he was wondering how she could tell him that if he cheated on her they were done.  He believed “those things just happen, they aren’t planned.”  I remember looking at him, over my breakfast that morning, kind of incerdulously, saying, “It doesn’t just happen!  You don’t just happen to take your clothes off and have sex with someone.  You choose it, you can stop at any time, and say no.”  He said, “Well, shouldn’t unconditional love allow you to forgive it, I mean isn’t that what it’s for?”  I said, “unconditional love is never wishing ill, always wishing the best for everyone.  It doesn’t mean you want or keep people in your life that behave in ways that are hurtful to you.”

As I learned with the prison whore, he is an opportunist, and if he has the chance to fuck someone, he’ll do it if he’s in the mood.  And deal with the consequences after.  (With the prison whore, he found out he couldn’t perform, which added a whole new dimension to his confusion over it and me.)

Then not that long ago, a few months maybe, he said that he was pretty sure she “regretted” doing what she did.  I asked why.  He said, “well why did you go with A?  Because you wanted to get back at me for the prison whore.”  I said, “No, I went with A because I was devastated by what you did, and he was loving, and kind, and sweet and made me feel like I had some value to him.” To which he had no answer. (He always shook off the devastation, as if it was not real, that it was just drama. He couldn’t accept that his actions could do that to someone.)  She may have cheated on him, and run off and got married as revenge for him cheating on her, but I did not….  I cannot relate even to doing that.  I mean, yeah looking for someone who cares for you when you’ve been treated as if you don’t matter, but marrying them?  Drawing someone else into a triangle that is only going to hurt most everyone involved?  That’s deviant.  That’s sick.  That’s unconscionable.

Which is why they are perfect for each other.  They can pretend to love one another, but they have treated each other miserably on and off for all the many years of their relationship.  Hurting each other, breaking up for months, getting back together to feel the rush of emotion all over again.  Addicted to the adrenalin.  He has a very addictive personality, and has, at times in his life, been addicted to many different substances.  I would guess maybe she is the same, and their common tendency to be addictive is the strongest bond they share.

Who the fuck knows?

I’m so pathetic, I sent him a text when I went to bed last night, I don’t know if I was hoping to put a tick in his weekend by sending it, but I was just hurting so much.  I said,

“You prick.  I still can’t believe you did this to me. Why did I ever deserve to be treated so badly?  What did I do to you that deserved this?  Is real love such a painful experience for you that you have to kill the giver?”

He has no way to respond, except to leave a voice mail that I have told him I will delete without listening to.  I would try to keep my word on that, because I know he is incapable of saying anything of comfort to me.  He is incapable of seeing or caring how much he hurt me, he will only defend himself, he will only be feeding his ego, and I know that’s all I did when I sent the text.  He delights in knowing how much I loved him, and the power over my emotions it gives him.  So if he were to respond, I know he would only fuck with my head anyway.

A friend is coming over this morning to help me powerwash my deck.  I need to get it done, so I can paint it before winter.  Hopefully I can paint/stain it when I get back from my nieces wedding next weekend.

I need to just be grateful for all the loving, caring, normal people in my life.  Men who love their wives, families that love each other, and are strong, that include me without question, or judgment.  Who are there to help me, to cry with me, to lift me off the floor when I’ve been knocked down.  People who are only addicted to the pleasure they bring to the people they love, and the pleasure they get in return.

Ok, enough self pity.  Done with him again for awhile.  Writing is cathartic.

Questions

Posted on by learning to live like water

I’m trying to learn to stay in the moment.  I’m trying not to make up stories in my head, and even more, I’m trying not to believe the stories I tell myself.  Byron Katie teaches a method to inquire as to the truth of the stories we believe with the following 4 questions.

Do you know it’s true?  no.

(In case the first answer was yes)….Do you absolutely positively know it’s true?  No.

(If the answer is yes, then move forward based on that absolute truth.)

How do you feel when you think that thought?  Afraid, insecure, unloved, uncared for, disrespected, hurt, lonely.  (In other words, all the negative unhappy emotions that you can think of.)

Who would you be without that thought?  Content, patient, loving, self-assured, trusting, safe, busy, relaxed.

So why would I hold onto a thought that I don’t know (and in my heart don’t believe) is true, when it makes me feel like shit?

Because…history…triggers…fear…ego…

Ego.  Goddam ego, telling me maybe it’s true, and what will you do if it is, and how will it feel when you know it wasn’t real, you’re about to get blindsided, and yada yada yada.  Stupid monkey mind egoic voices screaming in my ear, “fear fear fear.”

In my marriage, I had to assume the opposite of what came out of his mouth was true. I had to take all the clues, and hints, (because there was always a piece of the truth in what he said, and he spun his lie around that truth) and then investigate and he never disappointed, he was always lying, when the whole truth came out.  It got so I didn’t even get mad, I couldn’t confront him with the truth, and expose his lies, because my anger and indignance at being lied to (again) only exacerbated the situation.  I just had to deal with the lies, work around them, discover the truth on my own, and then do my best to act based on whatever the truth actually was.

Of course, I was just burying anger, but that’s another blog.

I don’t have to do that anymore, but my mind is so trained to do it, I can’t seem to stop, unless I can find stillness somewhere.  I try hard to hold myself back from seeking constant reassurance.  I know it’s irritating, to people who have never lied to me.

So back to Byron Katie….my problem lies between acting on the third question and rising to the fourth, so that I don’t create problems that don’t exist.  The negative voices are so many, so deep-seated, they don’t want to let go. They tell me I’m being a fool. I fight to ignore them.  Because I know….they don’t have any good news, and are only afraid of losing their power.

Buddha teaches that attachment and desire are the causes of all pain….(or something like that…).  But how can we not be attached, nor desire the object of our affection?  When that attachment and desire is fulfilled, it is a beautiful thing.

I don’t know the answer to these questions. Well…I do know that I have to continue to try not to listen to my monkey mind.  I do know that I need to wait, to have patience, I have to let the truth make itself known, in its own time.  To fill my own time, and be flexible, because that’s what it takes right now.

I Just Wanted the Truth.

Posted on by learning to live like water

God, I can’t stop writing.  The words are like a volcano, spilling out of me, running down my face, over my heart, like smoke coming out of my ears and every part of my being. I need to get it into the universe and let the higher powers deal with it.  I SO don’t believe he hasn’t seen her.  I am SO sure that was a bold faced lie.

He texted me early Saturday morning, and NOT for the rest of the day.  I texted him, no answer.  No response.  Because he was not alone.  I know his habits, I know how he works.  I went out Saturday evening.  I realized by then that I needed to not talk to him, period, so I had him blocked, but he didn’t try to reach me.  Because he was busy.

Sunday morning, I got a brief text from him.  I sent him 3 more, one of which he got because he talked about it today, but never responded to Sunday.  But he told me he didn’t get anything else after he texted me.  When I said, well you got the one about the snake….he backtracked, well I got it but didn’t think it needed a response.

Oh no, I texted you freaked out and didn’t need a response.  You didn’t respond because you were busy.  With someone else.  Probably out to breakfast with her, where we used to go and where you went with her before.  Showing everyone there because the waitresses all know him, that she was back.

Except….she couldn’t do for him what I could.  Not gonna get into it, just that I am guessing she couldn’t do that.  They probably tried more than once.  So….he back tracked and they decided not to get back together because it just wasn’t working or gonna work….and he knew in his own demented mind that if he was with her, and I knew it, I’d never be with him again.

Now…I might not.  But the best, very best chance he had was to tell me the truth.  And to apologize for all the hurt he dished out and made me sit through.  To come squeaky clean and take whatever the consequences were. I smell a lie, I smell it like a dead fish, when someone is circumventing questions, trying to distract you from your intended purpose.  My ex was a champ at it  And I learned not to believe anything he said.  I KNOW that what i heard in that phone call was NOT the truth.  “I don’t know, it never occurred to me…” Bullshit.  “I only talked to her”  Then why couldn’t you talk to me too.  Why no word from you for 3 days?  “Because I didn’t want to deal with your anger.”  Well….I wasn’t angry yesterday morning, when he sent me that short text.  It was obvious to me that he snuck off, or she was in the bathroom or something and that’s all he had time for.  It was obvious that a decision had been made about her when he first contacted me today.

He says, “I was thinking of driving up there today.”  WHA??  No, I don’t want you up here.  I suppose he thought I was so into him, that I’d be thrilled and put all the bs he dished out to me away, never to be spoken of again.

Guaranteed that she knows nothing about me. Guaranteed.

So, I’m sorry, I’m ranting.  I just have to get this out of me.  Even if my version is incorrect, technically, I know it wasn’t the truth.  The truth rings, all the pieces fit together.  The truth is not a a bunch of disjointed, disconnected statements that have little or no bearing to the actual recorded events.  I just want the truth, I want the whole truth, I want it spoken so I have not one unanswered question.  I deserve that.  It’s what I give.  I want it back.  A hundred times I have said I would take a brutal truth over a pretty lie any day. And anyway, there are no pretty lies.  They are just ugly, manipulative, spoken by creeps without conscience, and they lead to destruction.  Every. Single. Time.

This was just more bullshit.