Tag Archives: love

Ater the Fire Is Out, Sifting Through the Smoldering Remains

Posted on by learning to live like water

Last Friday night when I saw the psychic, my native American spirit guides told me, first thing, first message they gave me, was “Stand your ground, don’t back down.” The medium said she could hear the Tom Petty song. My friends and I knew what that was about, I was trying to end, at that time, the relationship which had become purely physical and was not nourishing me.

The medium said, “You stand it lovingly, not with meanness in your heart.  And with no expectation that this other person is going to go along with it.”  Which was exactly what was happening.  He didn’t want me to break it off, but I was unhappy with it as it was.  She also told me that standing my ground would open doors for me.

Then he brought in his health issues.  Because I loved, and still love, him, i caved, I could only feel love and concern for him  He wouldn’t tell me the possibilities, because he didn’t want that energy out there. And because he thought I would “go ballistic.”

Yes, I would have been upset, but I was already upset.”Ballistic” is not what I would have become however. “Ballistic would be how I might describe a reaction of anger.  I wasn’t angry, I was upset, concerned, in love. Wanted to know what might be in store for the man I loved, and wanted to be able to determine if I could in anyway help him get through this.   Based on the symptoms, there wasn’t one outcome that was better than the other.  He promised when he knew something definite he would tell me.  Until then, he said, “I need you to just be with me.”  And so I was.  I was there when he called, I did what he asked, I didn’t ask him to tell me.  I did tell him that I loved him, I did express concern about him.  Of course.  Not a lot, not often, but when I felt it was appropriate.

So, I did what I could do.  I sent him Reiki, I sent him all the positive energy I could, I sent up prayers to the Universe that he come through it ok.  I kept that to myself, because I felt he preferred that I act like nothinig was wrong.

Apparently, my acquiescing to his wishes gave him license to treat me however he needed to.  And last night’s no show, on the heels of not knowing all week what was wrong, just broke me.  He was scared and in pain he said.  Why is that an excuse to hurt someone?  I don’t know.  If he wasn’t going to tell me the whole story, he shouldn’t have told me any of it.  But he told me what he did, to keep me in his words, not mine, “from dumping” him.

“You’re making it all about you” he said last night.  When you turn my world upside down, it will be, for me, about me, until I right myself again.  Never disrespecting that he has some real serious issues..  But he disrespected me, and my love care and concern for him.

So, contrary to the spirit advice, and what my own gut had told me, I didn’t stand my ground, I did back down.  But this morning, after dealing with the pain of his carelessness last night, I will stand my ground once again.  He asked me to leave him alone, and I will.  I said, do the same for me, please.

It’s what he wanted all along, to be alone.  Now he is.  Me, well…I am alone in a sense that I’m not with him.  But I’m blessed with a life full of people who love me.  I’ll be fine.

Staying In the Flow

Posted on by learning to live like water

Life can sure take some crazy twists.  You think you have an idea what’s going on, but often times you don’t.  Trying to go with the flow on this one, because there’s nothing else I can do, besides send prayers and positive energy.  There are two people in my life facing some real challenges.  For both of them, the journey is theirs to complete, I can only stand beside them and be there for them, with them  if they want me.  One of them I know does.  The other one has pushed me away, gently, even though I know that person cares for me.  It’s what that person has to do to face the battle which is theirs to fight. It’s hard to not be holding their hand.  But it’s what was asked of me, so it’s what I’ll do.

I love them both.  I’ll help the one I can, I’ll stay on the sidelines with the one I can’t, and wait.  Waiting is hard.  But not as hard as facing the challenges.

Today, living like water is just going with the flow.  I hope I can stay afloat.

Post Script Note:  The one that wants my help tho I am not close enough to help her much, is my mother, and by proxy, my sister, on whose shoulders all care decisions for my mother fall.  I was so messed up writing this this morning that I realize now how cryptic it sounded. 

The Psychic/Angel Reading

Posted on by learning to live like water

So, I had my psychic reading. It was pretty amazing, and I’d totally do it again.

The medium started out telling me I had two native American guides behind me, (I think that means they kind of have your back…) one male one female. The first thing she did was tell me their advice on something very personal, which I’m not going to put here, but it was lengthy, on target, out of the blue, and believeable. Then she said, “I’m hearing a lot about Florida…”

OMG, my two friends and I jumped! That is so the focus of my life right now. Trying to get my house ready to sell, planning to move to Florida. Hoping my mother will still be around when I do, being near my sister, never ever having to deal with a New England winter again.

She said, “they say it will be a really good thing for you. They say it will offer you many opportunities, and you can choose any or all of them. And it will be easier for you financially there….” It was pretty amazing. She knew nothing about me except my name before this.

Then she had a female presence, over me, which means older than me. She asked if my mother was alive and since she is, we determined this was her mother. She said, “She says she was a good cook, loved to cook from scratch, grow her own vegetables, etc. But never got to pass that information on to your mother or you.” I said, “Because she died when my mother was 4 years old.” Now, considering my mom was born in 1921, this makes my grandmother’s death in 1925, living on an Indiana farm, of course she made everything from scratch and grew her own stuff. The medium said, “She said she didn’t want to leave your mother so young, but that it was part of both of their journeys. It made your mother strong, and able to deal with so many things in her life..” She suggested I pass that along to my mother, and I might when I see her again. I will have to decide if it would be well-receive by my mom, but since it is something her mother asked me to do, I probably will.

Which is what my sisters and I have always said, that Mom is able to adjust to any situation with such grace. Obviously, the one she faces now the hardest, not being able to communicate and being partially paralyzed resulting in the loss of so much of her prized independence. But I do believe that because of her mothers death so young, and subsequently living with a variety of aunts and uncles, that she learned how to adjust to different living situations, and to make friends and make people love her. Because everyone loves her.

The medium said she was showing her two faces, identical…did I look like my mother? No….My mother looked just like her mother. The medium said, “It seems as if it was close enough that people remarked on it.” Oh yes, in fact, it caused problems with my mothers older sister, because everyone commented on how much mom looked like my grandmother, and never mentioned her older sis, who as I understand it, was quite jealous of the fact and the attention it brought Mom.

It was pretty cool to have a communication with my grandmother that I never met. And to know she is with me.

Then she had a male presence which was undoubtedly my father. First off, she had advice on the same personal situation as the native American guides, which validated that it was my father, because it was exactly what he would say to me, lol.

Then the medium said, “I hear someone yelling ‘Fore!!!’ Did your father play golf?” OMG, I jumped, the hair stood up on my arms. “Yes,” I answered. “Every moment that he could.” He once got a hole in one, I think it was his proudest moment next to the birth of his 3 daughters.

She asked if he was part of a group of men, like a club or something because he was with these men and was happy… I could only think of the Air Force, he was in the reserves til a few years before he died in 1988.

It was wonderful to hear from him, she told me how he loves me and is with me. These things I knew, he always made sure we knew he loved us, and I have always known he was with me.

She asked who did the Ancestry.com thing. That is my older sister…she was able to put together about a 4 page family tree. The medium said, “but I hear that you weren’t able to have those family discussions where 3 or 4 generations sit around passing along family stories…” And this was so true. I said, “no, we weren’t but we’ve gotten my mother to write down a lot of her life, and to tag all the photos we can find.” The medium said that there are legacy writers now, who interview elders and then turn their stories into books for them.

Which I think was maybe a message for me about the writing, maybe in conjunction with my 2 sisters, since we all share a love of writing, particularly my older sis and I. I spoke to my sis about it yesterday, that maybe when I move down to Florida, we could collaborate. Just throwing the idea out but she was receptive.

The medium also told us in the beginning that some messages are meant for more than one of us. At one point, she was asking another woman about someone in her family who had a name like a flower, a young person. The woman nodded but didn’t really respond as if she knew exactly who she was talking about. But I think it was meant more for me. My niece who died in a car accident 10 years ago when she was 24….her name was Aster. I had been hoping she’d show up and I think she did. I should have spoken up…I didn’t because it wasn’t my reading, but in hindsight I should have. Next time I will.

So…it was pretty amazing, satisfying, good for my soul. I have no doubt that my loved ones were there, or my guides (how else did she know about Florida??). Looking forward to doing it again sometime.

Transformation

Posted on by learning to live like water

I talked to my ex husband yesterday.  It is unusual.  I didn’t talk to him for 6 or 8 months, and twice now in the last 10 days.  He has led himself down the primrose path to destruction.  I believe that now, now that he has created so much chaos for himself,, he is reaching out to the one person who he knows always loved him.  He needed help sorting something out, and I was able to cut through the bullshit for him, (which is all self created by him), and let him see reality.

Then he told me his aunt passed away a couple of days ago.  This is unusual, in that this is the 3rd (at least) member of his family to die since we’ve been apart, but the first one he’s told me about.  It was too late for me to go to the wake or the funeral, but at least I can send her children a card.  They were part of my life for 40 years, I was grateful that he told me.  Which means to me, that he perhaps doesn’t see me anymore as the cause of all his problems, but as someone who just had to save her own life,, (and our sons).  Perhaps it means that going forward our relationship will be based on commonalities, on the better part of our history, instead of the abuse he piled on my son and I in an effort to maintain control.  I hope so.  I would like to see him as a friend.  It’s been 8 1/2 years since I left him.

I would hope that the same can be true of S and I.  S was the first man I was involved with since my divorce.  I feel still the unconditional love I have always felt for him, despite the ugliness that came up in the last few days.  I know we can’t be together as we were right now, but I am not forecasting the future.  How can we know?

My friend A left on a grand adventure this morning.  Downsized from a 3800 sq ft beautiful home to a camper, with his son.  They are headed out to the Olympic Peninsula eventually, stopping along the way where ever they feel the desire.  By October he will be in Texas at his brothers ranch, and then on to the Southwest in the spring.  I went to see him, and he told me,  “Look at me, I have to say this now, I won’t have another chance.  I know I scared you with it before.  But,   I just want you to know I love you so much.  You have forever changed me.”  I still do not feel the passion for him that he feels for me, and I’m glad, because I was just able to be excited for him to take on this adventure.  He’s a sweet man, we will stay in touch.

But the whole point is, love never dies, does it?  It can change, and transform, but it’s energy.  Energy can’t be created or destroyed, only transformed.  My love for these 3 men in my life will continue to change, but it will always exist.  No matter what has been thrown at me, the hate, the anger, the viciousness that can accompany pain….in the end, it is always love that is left.

I’m at peace with all of this.  I’m happy to have found a way back to peace with all of them.

Love and light, all.

Reality Check

Posted on by learning to live like water

Reality is the conjectured state of things as they actually exist, rather than as they may appear or might be imagined. In a wider definition, reality includes everything that is and has been, whether or not it is observable or comprehensible. – Wikipedia

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Trying to sort through memories, dreams, visions, events, people who came and left in the last year.  How much of it was real?  How much of it was conjecture on my part?

What was real, aside from putting my head on my own pillow at night, by myself.  The chaotic energy of my son in the house. The morning meditations.  The mundane household tasks.

How much of love was real?  How much of the passion was real?  How much of it was just created.  Just me trying so hard to get what I wanted.

So…how much of the ugly was real?  If the love maybe wasn’t completely real, maybe all the ugly wasn’t either.

I’ve been reading Byron Katie’s books on The Work.  The four questions….

1. Is it true?  2. Can you know absolutely that it’s true? 3. How do you react, how do you feel, when you think that thought? 4. Who would you be without that thought?

Answers:  1. I don’t know.  I thought so, but maybe not. 2. No. No. NO.  3. I am emotional.  4. Relaxed, happy, non-judgmental.

I don’t know what was real, and what wasn’t.  But I do know this.

Love never hurts. It never makes you feel bad about yourself. It never makes you insecure.  If it’s doing that 75% of the time, and bringing you joy 25% of the time, it’s not love.  Especially, when you’re the only one whose thinking it is.

Well….whether or not it was love isn’t really important now, because the love, if that’s what it was, is gone.  Poof!  In a big cloud of epithets cast for reasons not fully understood, it’s gone.

I think though,  it’s floating around in the universe, waiting to come back where it’s real.

On Vulnerability and Love

Posted on by learning to live like water

The morning was gray, and quiet. I sat on my deck, having coffee, reading blogs, reading email. Doing some pensive introspection. About myself. About S. About vulnerability.

I have been a champion of vulnerability. I have watched Brene Brown’s TED talk on vulnerability maybe a dozen times. She speaks to what I have always known, but did not form into a cohesive thought until I saw her speak.

I have never been afraid to be vulnerable. Not with my friends, not with strangers, not with the men in my life. Not in my blogs, or my book, or with my son. I do believe that you don’t give someone all your secrets, until they have proven the right to hear them.  I give it out a little at a time, but I give it.  I will initiate it.  I am not afraid of it.

I believe it is the only way to have a real, fulfilling, human experience. I believe, as Brene does, that it is the birthplace of creativity, of joy. It is the ying of the yang. You can’t know joy if you don’t risk something. You can’t be creative if you are afraid of failure. You can’t expect someone to open up to you their deepest darkest secrets if you won’t share in kind.

Vulnerability means that you take a risk, you put yourself out there. Not knowing what the outcome will be, if you think that there might be a reward that makes it worthwhile. There is no risk-free existence. You can’t imagine that just because you love someone they will always love you back. You can’t believe that everything will always stay the same. Change happens. And when it happens, and you hurt from it, instead of closing your heart, you have to thank God you are able to love so passionately, so fully. Because it means you are alive. If you hurt….it is the ying to the yang. There is no great reward without great suffering.

Ram Dass tells a story about his guru, who when given the option of love vs. suffering, chose suffering, because it was then that he would grow. Learn about himself.

So, we wish those who cause us to suffer, love and light. We let them go on their way, in their life, and hope that they find joy. We find ourselves better prepared to go on with LIFE, and LIVING, because we have a deeper understanding of what brings us joy, and peace.

One of my favorite quotes is from Khalil Gibran. It states:

Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.

I have a friend who was devastated by an ex. This persons heart is closed now, for the most part. They do not want to love again, to risk giving of themselves because the pain is so great. I see cracks in the wall occasionally. But the person quickly fills them in, and retreats behind the wall again.

To me, it is like being dead before you are dead. So love didn’t work out that time, or the time before. Maybe it worked for awhile, a long while, and then it changed. Change is part of life. Loving to me is living. I cant’ separate the love of a person, from love of myself, my family, of every living thing. To stop one is to diminish all. Because they are all connected.

This being said….if we love someone to the best of our ability, and they choose not to return it for whatever reason, it’s not healthy for us to continue to dream that they will. There is a time to let go, and acknowledge that this is not the one for you. It comes with self awareness. Let go with joy, wishing all blessings and happiness to that person. And then risk being vulnerability again.

Never forget that once you decide what you want, the universe will conspire to make that happen. Thoughts become things, so think the thoughts about what you want. Not about what you don’t.

And live. LIVE.

Learning to Love What Is

Posted on by learning to live like water

I’m trying to work some stuff out here.

I’ve got some kind of bug. My throat is a little sore causing some laryngitis, and my right eye is a little weepy. I have carpal tunnel in my right hand, arm, wrist, which has been acting up. And this morning, the fingers on my left hand are quite stiff and sore in the joints.

I’m a believer in the emotional component of all illness. I am quite rarely sick, this maybe the first time in a couple years. So I am looking at all the symptoms, with Louise Hay’s book by my side “You Can Heal Your Life”.

A sore throat has to do with holding in angry words and feeling unable to express yourself, the inability to speak up for one’s self, swallowed anger, stifled creativity and refusal to change. Issues with the throat in general have to do with expression, creativity.

Carpal Tunnel Syndrome has to do with frustration and anger at seeming injustices of life.

Arthritis has to do with feeling unloved, criticism and resentment.

Our hands and wrists have to do with the ease through which we move through change.

Eyes have to do with the capacity to see clearly. Eye problems have to do with not liking what you see in your own life.

I have had an ongoing issue with someone for the last couple of weeks. I wanted this person to do something that they were not comfortable with, quite simply. And I was pushing and they were resisting. It seemed a no brainer to me. Something that would have been fun, enjoyable…whatever. To them it was maybe those things, but maybe not. I can’t speak for them, only or myself.

So….as it turned out it came to a head last night. This person is not going to do this thing with me. I am going to do it alone.

I felt sorry for myself. I felt unloved. I criticized myself, feeling I wasn’t good enough. I also did not feel I was able to express myself fully, not on this subject, nor others with this person, because often I think that expressing what I really feel puts them under pressure. So I swallow it, and don’t say it, when I clearly want to.

This person refused to talk to me about it anymore last night, and cut me off from communication. I was angry, resentful.

Thus, all my symptoms.

Coincidentally, I have been reading Byron Katie’s “The Work” for our book club. And I put the 4 questions to only one of these problems, since it is a process taking time.

I realized that I have been stifling what I had to say about the situation. But I did that on purpose because I knew it would not come out with any loving intent, and I didn’t want to go there with this person. But you know what happens to the stuff you bury…..It makes you sick. Voila! I am sick.

I felt very unloved, and was beating myself up for being so pushy last night. I woke up with a very sore left hand. I am loved, even if not in the way I want to be, but by many others, and by this person as well. The person’s choice not to do this thing with me doesn’t reflect whether or not I am cared about by them, only that they were not comfortable with this particular thing.

But I railed against it, and how frustrating and unfair it was, and guess what, my carpal tunnel has been acting up all week.

I am not moving through changes easily, I am not accepting what is. My joints hurt.

And lastly, I don’t like what I’m seeing, and my right eye is bothering me.

Pretty clear, that the body follows the mind, isn’t it?

So…..doing The Work last night brought me to these conclusions. I don’t love myself. I am afraid of change. My thoughts are not creating a joyful and abundant life for me, but one of lack.

This is all about me, not about this person. It is not what they have done but about my reaction to what they feel. Like Byron Katie says, “Who would you be if you didn’t have that thought?”

I would be excited to do this thing on my own. I would share it, and the excitement, with this person, instead of putting the burden on them to create the excitement with me, and thus in some ways, for me. I would be happy I was doing it, whether or not I was alone.

I want to say maybe it’s meant to be, that I do it alone. Maybe there is a door opening there that I am too blind to see, or to fearful to want to walk through. But why? Because it is what it is. The reality is that I’m doing it alone, so I need to rejoice in that. I need to love what is. Why? Because it is what is happening, and it’s not something I can change. The universe doesn’t screw up, I have trusted it before to work things out for my highest good, and for this person’s. And so this must be it.

This person may join me in this at some point. They have said that. But they can’t right now, so I’ll forge ahead, and repeat to myself every minute that I can that I am loved, I love myself, I will create a joyful life, and I will accept the way life unfolds before me. By myself, I will do this, I will not burden another with these things.

I will walk through the fear I have of doing these things alone, and realize I am quite capable of enjoying them on my own. I’ll find my way.

Acceptance of what is is hard, until we actually realize we have no choice. So we can be mad about it, and ruin this moment, or we can accept it, and find some joy in it, and go forward happily.

I will choose the 2nd reaction. I’m sure it gets easier with practice.

It’s all a lesson in learning to live like water.

Counting My Blessings

Posted on by learning to live like water

Sitting out on my deck, having coffee outside this morning. It’s my first time this season.  It’s where I spend my hour to myself every morning when it’s warm enough.  It’s not really warm out yet, it’s ony 50°F, but I have a blanket around my shoulders and the sun is warm on my back.  There are few clouds in the brilliant blue early morning sky.  It promises to be a beautiful day.
There are a few things on my mind this morning.  I did a gratitude meditation, and have so much to be thankful for.  For one, that I have this place to sit and have my coffee.  That my health, while I am diabetic, and arthritic, is actually pretty good.  The diabetes is well controlled, the arthritis seems to be improving as of late.  It is really only in my hands that I have an issue with it.  I haven’t had as much as a cold in maybe a year, and even then, the last cold I had was very minor. So I say, I am blessed with good health.  Nothing that affects my quality of life.
I am grateful for my family.  My son who is doing remarkably well, is healthy, strong.  He has found his niche I think, and is making something of his life.  I’ve worked hard with him to overcome the affects of growing up in an abusive dysfunctional household, and he seems to be emotionally mature.  I am proud of him.  And grateful.
I’m grateful for my two sisters, and my mother.  We have always all been very close, even though we live at great distances from each other. My mother’s stroke, which has left her partially paralzyed and unable to communicate, has stressed and tested the bonds between my sisters and I, but we have always had our base in love and care, and when things get tough, we return to it, for comfort and love.
I am grateful for the presence of S in my life.  He has added a dimension to the joy in my life that seems to balance it.
I am grateful for my family of friends.  Last night I went with a friend to a high school play to see another friend”s daughter.   We got to the high school close to starting time, because we had waited to watch the Kentucky Derby before we went.  The friend whose daughter was in the play greeted us  at the door.  “Go down to the 4th row,” she said.  “You’ll see everyone, there are seats there for you.”  And there in the 4th row were more of our friends, and some of her family, who I am also close to.  I love being part of a group of people who have been best friends for 10 or 15 yars. Blessed.  Just blessed.
I ran into my old next door neighbor at the play.  I knew my old house had been sold in a foreclosure sale.  I am concerned about what my ex will do,he has lived there almost 40 years now.  He does not adapt to change well,which really is the crux of why he lost the home. I also know that he blames me for it all, (because if I hadn’t left him, and he hadn’t had to give me a settlement….yada yada yada) and so I am not in a position to call him and see how he is, what his plans are, to ease my mind that he will recover from this.  I know he is devastated, but I don’t want to be at the receiving end of his anger again, at least, not face to face.  He is probably going to lose his business too.
Truth be told, if I hadn’t left him, and then our son, he would most likely still be drinking, and would have gone through all the money he had to give me, (since he already went through much more money than the amount awarded me) and we would all be facing homelessness.  My being there, working with him was just a form of enablement.
But it’s sad, to see someone with whom you shared so much of your life, get to such a state.  Knowing that there was a time when he, we, could have had everything we ever wanted  Ego and greed and fear destroyed his life.  I pray that someday he’ll see the real reasons why his life unfolded as it did.
But this morning, I turn to gratitude.  That some light shone on me, and I have been able to create a joyful life.  Family, friends, a man who I thoroughly enjoy who boggles my imagination every time I’m with him, a home, a life.  I am blessed.
I can’t remember who said it, but some one said, “If you only have one prayer, let it be Thank you.”  This morning it is Thank you.

Off of the Spinning Wheel

Posted on by learning to live like water

Ever evolving life, and relationships.  I am choosing for the time being not to be writing about my relationship with S.  I will only say that I think we perhaps hit a turning point last weekend. And this is about me…not him or us.

I have realized how obsessive I have been about our relationship.  I have been unbalanced about it for quite some time.  I was making S my life, instead of giving him a place in my life.  It is too much burden for anyone to bear, to be your life.  As a result, I want to focus on some of the other things that I’m passionate about, while not giving up my passion for him.

Acceptance of what is has not been an easy thing for me.  I have been trying to make sure I am safe, which is a hold over, baggage, from a terrible long marriage.  Too many years lived where I so rarely felt safe.  Even those times that I thought I was, I found out I wasn’t.  It was all, everything, a manipulation.  My ex might make me feel safe for a day, an hour, a week, maybe even a month or two.  And just when I got relaxed and happy, he would pull the rug out, turn my world upside down, with no warning.  Crazy Making.

I apparently expected S to do this too, and he does not. He does not have a manipulative or controlling bone in his body. I realized I have projected my fears onto him, and he didn’t deserve that treatment. He’s not my ex, nothing about him is like my ex.

I feel like I have been spinning around on the outside of a wheel that was started when I was married.  I took 5 years after that was over, and didn’t consider dating.  I wanted to rediscover myself.  After all those years of wrapping my head around someone else, trying to keep him happy, which was not possible, I needed to find out who I was again.

I thought I had a pretty good handle on it, until I met someone I was incredibly attracted to.  Old fears began clawing at the back of my mind, and I wanted to have a relationship that I was safe in,skipping over the part where the relationship just grows at it’s own pace, developing….pushing beyond what he was ready for. I wanted to go from Point A to Point B without traveling the distance.

And suddenly, I saw it.  I saw what I was doing.  I see it now.  And what I realize is, I AM SAFE.  Because I am strong, independent, and have a lovely life of which he is now part, an integral part, but not the whole thing.  I think he is happy about this.  I am happy to accept what he feels able to willingly give me.  I don’t feel the need to ask more.  It’s time really, to trust that the universe has brought us together for a reason, and leave it at that to evolve as it will.  Maybe we will grow together, maybe for a short or long time.  Now…right now, I feel good to have a handle on myself, and trust in myself, and my gut to keep my evolving in a more fulfilling balanced way.

I feel like I was holding on to that spinning wheel with one hand, and let go….just let go.  The wheel still spins I’m sure, but I’m not on it. I may be a little dizzy, lol, but I’m getting my groove back.  Life is good.