Category Archives: Unconditional Love

This Morning, No Loss, Only Gain

Posted on by learning to live like water

 

happiness

This morning I awoke at my normal time, 5:30. It was lovely, cool. The day yesterday was in the high 80’s, as today is supposed to be, and the night was cool, it’s in the low 60’s this morning. Perfection, not a cloud in the sky. The people who bought my deck furniture have not come back yet to pick it up, so I am still sitting in my sacred space, typing this. Another gifted day for me.

I awoke happy this morning. Really feeling happy. I don’t know if I finally sat with that funk long enough, missing him, or what, but today it seems gone. Today I feel so ready to move forward, with no regrets, not longings for anything that wasn’t. Today I can see that what was behind me should be behind me, and that what I have in front of me can be just the most amazing part of my life.

I have told my son that the least of my worries is whether or not he’ll get a job. He’s been filling out applications online and has had 3 or 4 good call backs. He hasn’t found a place to live yet, and that has been my biggest worry. I told him last night, if he doesn’t have a place to live he’s coming with me, lol. There is no way I’m taking him to Denver without a place waiting for him. He said he’s contacted 50 places and they won’t get back to him.

So I looked on Craigslist myself last night. I came to realize that he probably hasn’t gotten a callback because he has no rental history. I told him, you need to tell them you’ve been paying $400 a month for years, which he has, to me. That he’s been making a car payment for over a year, never a minute late. And he bought some stuff on a credit card, just so he’d have credit, and paid it off on time. I told him to get a free credit check and print it out and tell people they are welcome to see it.

He said he’s going to do that this morning, and hopefully that will make a difference. He is seriously one of the most responsible 24 year olds I know. He’s offering 3 months rent up front. Because I’m serious, he’s not going without a place to live. No way. And I know he doesn’t want to come to Florida and live in a town full of “90 year olds Mom.” LOL. Whatever. Just find a nice place to live and I’ll be good.

Didn’t hear from my buyers about the offer I made yet. I’m guessing they had to have the report checked out by someone. I hope I hear today. I can’t imagine that they won’t take it, if they love the house. I don’t think I could be more fair.

So much to do this week. Tag sale Saturday, and I need to make sure I get everything together that I want to try to sell. Tonight I have a hair appointment, Thursday I’m going out with some friends for dinner. So I have tomorrow night and Friday night to prepare.

Work has become a little easier. I’m turning over most everything to my replacement to do, while I’m still there, to assist in whatever she has questions about. She is still so overwhelmed, she gets so confused so easily, but it’s not to be unexpected. She has had to learn the basics of 3 different companies in a relatively short amount of time. I’m sure she’ll be fine, but I know she’s terrified for me to leave.

The other girl who I’m training is not in such a confusing job, and seems to pick it up easily and does not get too upset, she just figures out stuff on her own. She still requires my help on things, but only things that come up that are completely foreign to her.

I think I’m leaving both jobs in good hands, and have done a good job of training them as best I can.

I met with my financial counselor yesterday to talk about what I need to do with the money from the house, and to find out where I should take money from when I need it, and how to switch over my 401K, etc. It all looks good. I feel comfortable with my plans and he seemed to feel comfortable too.

I’ll tell my ex that I’m moving pretty soon, maybe next week, so he won’t get blindsided by it when he goes to his niece’s wedding. I won’t be seeing that whole family again most likely, except maybe the cousin with whom I’m good friends. But I haven’t seen them for years anyway, so it’s fine. They are all very cloistered in their fears of each other.

So, I’m ready. This morning I’m ready for this next chapter of my life to start, and I’m not even feeling choked up when I think about my son being so far away. Well, a little, but not overwhelmingly. For the last 4 days it was so hard. Today I don’t feel like I’m losing anything, only gaining.

It’s a beautiful day today, my life is becoming what I dreamed it would. At the end of the day, there is only love. Always and all ways.

Love and light.

Letting Go of You, A Little Bit at a Time (A poem)

Posted on by learning to live like water

IMG_2193 (1)

Sunrise from the town dock, Longboat Key, Florida

I let it go
On the summer wind,
With the sun in my eyes,
I let it go.

I remembered what we did here.
I remembered how it felt then.
I smiled, and I cried, just a little.
I will always miss what was
and I will always miss what wasn’t.

But letting go is something I’m getting good at.
Knowing that letting go
Opens the space
For something new and wonderful
To come in.

Entering the autumn of my life,
I cling to summer.
So, I go where it is warm,
Where I’ll not be reminded
Of the summer dreams that
turned into nightmares.
Where new dreams will be born.

I wish you love and light,
I wish all good things for you.
Even though we don’t talk,
We talk, on levels we don’t understand.
I still feel you, all the time.
I hope you are happier than what I feel.

Let us both feel good about what was,
Just between us, when there was no one else.
Peace to you. Peace to me.
Love always and all ways.

Selling Off A Bit of My Sacred Space

Posted on by learning to live like water

deck furniture

I have a few things that I need to sell or give away, large items, before I move. Yesterday I put some ads on a FB page that is a never-ending tag sale for my town only. I put my deck furniture and my grill up, for $50 each. I could have sold the deck furniture 10 times in 3 hours, it was amazing. A guy is coming by today to get it. I think I paid Walmart $150 or something for it when I moved in. It needs new cushions, they are all thread-bare now.

But I will miss it. It’s where I sit in the summer, in the morning, in the evening. It’s where S and I used to sit and talk, or star gaze for hours. We watched the meteor shower out here one night. One night we saw moondogs, it was my first time. But I digress. There are so many memories for me, every time I start sorting and packing. This will be good to let go of. One less reminder of what was and wasn’t.

Still, it feels like I’m selling off pieces of my sacred space.  Gotta let go of stuff, like the Buddha says, Non-attachment is the way.

For the next few weeks, I’ll just have to pull another chair out here, and maybe a tv table.

I didn’t get any bites on the grill, which needs new burners. My son said they are not a big deal to put in. The grill cost me $350 or so, It’s in good shape except the burners. It’s a really good grill.

Today I have to clean up the washer and dryer in the basement, the spare ones, and get them listed. I brought them with me from the condo I had been living in, they are perfectly good. I thought my son might want them if and when he moved out, never forseeing the moves that would happen 5 years later. And I have a couch and loveseat in the basement, that he uses. They are both pull-out beds, nice green microfiber. I also bought those for the condo I rented for 4 years. I need to sell them too. Or I’ll have to just give them away.

My neighborhood is having a tag sale next Saturday. So whatever is left, I will try to sell then. I have a lot of just stuff I’m not taking. Like a door wreath for the winter with a snowman on it. Not really appropriate for Florida, LOL. Snow shovels, maybe a rake.

This morning I need to get to the grocery store, and clean up my kitchen counters and floors, then continue with the packing and sorting. It feels overwhelming at times. So much to do.

Last night my girlfriend who is also moving when I’m moving, went out with me for a bite to eat. I just could not put together a meal. Tired, I guess. And needed some human connection, after being alone all day with my thoughts and memories. So we went to a local Mexican restaurant, I had shrimp and bacon quesadillas, it was good. One glass of wine and that was it. It’s been so great to have a friend going through this same thing, albeit she is only moving 15 miles from here, and not stopping working, and her kids will stay with her. So not the same, but still, similar.

At least I’m moving along down this path, getting things done. I hope I don’t have to be at the closing, and can leave a day or two before the closing. Gotta get an answer on that from my atty.

Onward….. Love and light, all.

 

Picture at top is my deck furniture.  🙂

How I Deal With the Pain of Having Had A Narcissist in My Bed (A Sequel)

Posted on by learning to live like water

This is actually a sequel, I guess, to the narcissist post immediately preceding this post.  In the same newsletter from Oprah.com there was this excerpt from Marianne Williamson’s book “From Tears to Triumph, The Spiritual Journey from Suffering to Enlightenment.”

So many people don’t understand how I can forgive my narc, how I can say I still love him, how I can wish good things for him. I think Marianne Williamson explains it here. My quest, my journey, has led me to believe in the power of unconditional love. I believe it is the only thing that can destroy the darkness in people, and the only way to raise the consciousness of all people, is for all of us to try to extend love whenever, wherever we can.

I know he was a classic narc. I know he’s not always happy about that. I know he finds himself in darkness so often, and can’t find a way out. I know he’s been fending for himself since he was tiny, and I know the pain he’s suffered. He’s a classic narc, whose narcissism grew out of some really horrible circumstances.

This article I just copied and will paste below one paragraph from, explains quite well where I am with my emotions for my narcissist. I think the book will probably be next on my booklist to read. I have always said that great beauty can be borne of great pain. I hope this can still be true for my narc at some point in his life, that he’s able to see the soul I’ve always seen and let it shine.

Here are Marianne’s words, with a link to the whole article if you’re interested. Love and light all.

“And that is the ultimate deliverance from suffering—the realization that we can be better people because of it. The spiritual journey from emotional pain to inner peace entails a transformation of our personalities, from being someone weakened by suffering to someone honed by it. Yes, we must look at the darkness within ourselves, and forgive others for the darkness that we see within them, in order to experience the miracle of love that only forgiveness brings. Yet, in so doing, we emerge victorious. And within that light, endless miracles abound. For miracles occur naturally as expressions of love. We grow less imprisoned by our fears as we release them to thoughts of love. No longer in denial about our issues, we atone and learn to forgive ourselves. No longer blaming others, we are able to forgive them. We experience a cosmic re-parenting from which we grow, at last, into the adults we were meant to be. This is the greatest story, the story of all stories, and it is the story of every one of us.”


Read more: http://www.oprah.com/inspiration/the-unexpected-route-to-a-spiritual-miracle#ixzz4GY4zsREc

(Very) Early Morning Musings

Posted on by learning to live like water

I woke at 4:15 this morning. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised because I was asleep at 9:30. I lay in bed for about 45 minutes, just thinking about things. Moving, the foundation cracks, lol, the men I’ve loved.

The moving, the house selling, it will all be over soon. So, I just have to make my way through each day, and do what needs to be done. Taking it one thing at a time, I’m sure I’ll get it all done, easily.

The men, idk. I was thinking about my ex. His name is the same as my son’s so I don’t use it on here, because I don’t want to confuse anyone. But it’s Bruce. I was thinking about the fondness I still feel for S, and how I have none for my ex, who I was with for 40 years. I guess the difference is my ex, B, eroded that love every day for years with his control and abuse of me, and my son. I don’t wish him any ill, I don’t have to, lol. He’s done a damn fine job of fucking up his life with no help from me. I wish him love and light, all good things, but I know with his last breath he will blame me for his problems.

I thought about how, when he was in control, he used to occasionally have these 2 or 3 day brain-washing sessions with me, before my son was born. He would brow beat me, and yell at me, and threaten me for days. I couldn’t leave the house. I was his captive scapegoat for all the ills in his life. And back then we had very few ills. We had enough money, a decent home, a yacht, but still he had to make me feel less than human anytime I began to feel happy and secure. And then he’d say, “I love you, I would think you’d listen to me, knowing it was for your own good.” Geezus. It was for his. To have himself a servant who would do everything, who was dancing around trying to win his favor.

One particular time, during one of those brain-washing sessions, he decided that I did not deserve my 1 1/3 carat heart shaped diamond. He ordered me to give it to him. I refused. He got up from the couch as I sobbed, went in the kitchen and got a pair of pliers out of a drawer where he kept a few tools. He came back, and grabbed my hand and broke the setting, so that the diamond fell out. I am sure, 100% positive, that if I’d fought him he would have broken my hand. He was 6’2”, about 240 lbs, and had arms like most people’s thighs. Very strong, he was a nationally ranked swimmer at one time.

He put the diamond and the broken setting in an envelope and put it in a kind of jewelry box in our bedroom. Folded up tight, so it was about a 1” square. I always knew where it was. I believed that some day he’d realize what a good wife I was, and how I was trying so hard to do everything he asked (while he did nothing at all for me, but I guess I believed I didn’t deserve it) and he’d get it reset one day.

He never did.

When I moved out of the house in 2007, I opened the envelope and took the diamond. I left him the broken setting.

But that just illustrates how dysfunctional he was, and I was, and we were. That we managed to have my son after that is amazing. But thank God, my son is a blessing to me borne of that pain.

S…..well, he betrayed me when I loved him the most. My love for him didn’t die over time. It never had a chance to die a natural death. I grieved and grieved, and still do some days. It’s easier when I never hear from him, I’m much more able to see the dysfunction that surrounds him, and was part of our relationship so much more clearly. I know it would never have lasted, even if there were no B, because I wanted more that he’s capable of giving. It’s been almost 2 months now since I’ve heard from him, and I am fine with it. I have some fond memories, tempered by the reality of his nature. I can love him, who he was to me, I can be grateful for that time in my life. I am so happy to know that after my long miserable marriage, (and long miserable divorce) I can still love someone so passionately, so intensely.

I don’t think he and I can be friends, though. I’d like to be, but I don’t think B will allow it. Even if I’m in FL, 1500 miles away, she would be jealous. He says she’s not, I say, you don’t see it. She’s a master of the passive aggressive stuff. Never wants to talk to him again, until I do. Then she does. Never wants to be with him again, until I am, then she still loves him. Whatever.

I know that I can’t go there again. I can say never say never, but I gotta be real. He is never going to want to make the changes that I’d like to see in him. I think he is much more comfortable with the game playing, the push pull thing, and with misery and unhappiness than happiness, because he sabotages his own life constantly in an effort to prove to himself he’s not worthy. I will always tell him he is. I would, am, always here for him if he wants to talk. But I know he can’t trust himself, so he doesn’t trust me.

I will say, one reason I loved him so, was because he let me be me. All the time. Even though I talked too much, lol. He knew how to quiet me down. Take me to the beach, or somewhere, tell me a story, put on some music that was new to me and tell me about it, or take me to bed. But the freedom I felt with him, after being with a man who tried to control what I said, wore, how I wore my hair, how I walked, yada yada yada, was blissful for me. For that I will always love him. Now that I know what that’s like, I intend to find it again, in a man who is capable of loving, who seeks the light, and is happy and likes himself.

All good lessons with these men. Painful, but good. I know myself, I’ve found myself through the pain that I experienced with them both. I can say to my ex, I love you and I wish all good things for him, he is making himself pay for sins he thinks he must have committed, I am sure. I can say to S, love always and all ways, because that too is true. Because I do. I will. All the betrayal, really, that S orchestrated, was him, sabotaging himself, setting himself up to fail. He hurt me, yes, but for me it’s temporary. I can find my way out. I don’t look into the abyss. I walk away from it, even if I’m on my hands and knees crawling.

At peace this lovely morning. Nice to put things into perspective.

Love and light, everyone.

Haiku No. 129: Ancient Connection (4 parts)

Posted on by learning to live like water

connection2

Imperceptible
Except to her, she could feel
His torment, or joy.

It ran through her soul
Igniting threads, erratic
But never-ending.

Most days she ignored
The twinkling showers of sparks
Some days were blinding.

Honor connection
It is ancient, and holy
She’s known him, always.

A Shift in Perception

Posted on by learning to live like water

 

Last night, I watched my son slip into his place in the family. Easily, without thought, without effort. Surrounded by those connected to him by blood, but more importantly, connected to him by love. What joy filled my heart as my only child was embraced by cousins, aunts, and uncles who have only seen him a handful of times in his 24 years, but love him and drew him into the circle as if he was with them every day.

I think this morning of my ex-husband and his family, with whom we spent every holiday, all our 32 years together. It so rarely felt like a place of love, so rarely felt like a warm embrace. There were a few of them that were capable and extended that love, but there was more competition than love. There was so much of people trying to prove that they deserved to be there, and more than anyone else. How do I describe the difference?

I describe it as A Course in Miracles. One family knows we are all part of the one great thing, and that love is really the only power we have in the world to change anyone. One family is sure we are all separate from each other, not connected, and that we have to fight for our place here.

My son now not only knows, but feels part of that one thing, and I am forever forever grateful to the people, my family, who made it possible. The love my mother and father showered on us has so obviously, so easily, so beautifully passed down from them to their children, grandchildren.

God I am so grateful today. Grateful to have left that darkness behind.

I think my son actually got excited about his move to Colorado last night, talking to his cousins about it. They are all older than him, and have more life experiences. I just think it eased his mind so much to know he isn’t really all alone, and that he has more real family than just me.

I saw the shift, I felt the shift, in his perception, from fear to love.

Which A Course In Miracles tells us, is the miracle.

Love and light:)

The View

Posted on by learning to live like water

View from Carols

The picture above is the view from my sisters deck, which I look out at, as I write this. It is uncommonly beautiful here this time of year. Those mountains are the edge of the Blue Ridge Mountains. You can see at the top left of the picture how the mountains are rising, higher and higher. That’s where the Blue Ridge are, Shenandoah National Park, and Skyline Drive. It is cloudy today, as you can see, and warm and muggy. I can hear thunder in the distance, and it echoes off the mountains.

I am removed from the crazy world I’ve been in for the last couple of months. It is peaceful here, thought provoking. It is also humbling. It’s like when you are at the ocean, and reminded of your tiny but important place in the world because the expanse of the ocean is so vast and beautiful. Here it is the massiveness of the mountains towering around you that does the same. These mountains are not like the Rockies, not jagged, not high enough to have tree-lines with just rock above. But high enough, to make you sit back and catch your breath, and put you in your place.

Before my mother died, actually long before, we, her daughters, and asked her many times to write out her life history, because we felt it was remarkable, and she was remarkable, and that we’d like to be able to pass it along to our own children, so they would know where they came from. Mom worked on it from time to time, over the last 15 years of her life. In the 6 months or so before she had her stroke, she was working diligently on it. She would go to the library and look things up, and write, and make notes. She was 93 when she was doing this. That alone is a remarkable feat.

My sister who took care of her for the later part of her life, found all her notes, and all that she had written, and has compiled it into a biography, which is actually an autobiography, since Mom wrote most of it, but my sister had to edit it, and try to decipher my mother’s 93 year old handwriting.

My sister also has done our genealogy back a long long ways, on my mother’s side. There are very good family records, and she found a lot on Ancestry and another site. She found out that one family, the Redfields, could be followed back to John and Priscilla Alden and the Mayflower. I had also followed it a long long time ago, and given her one branch, of my mother’s fathers family, that went back to the year 1010 in England, and ending perhaps in France, that I got from Ancestry.  That branch had ties to one of the founding fathers of the state I now live in, Connecticut.  So we have this huge compilation of where we come from.

I don’t think this is unusual. I’ve heard that if you go back 7 generations we are all connected. It is fascinating, however, to actually trace your own roots, to see the names of your great-to-the-power-of-8 grandparents. Where they were born and died, and when.

Most of my mother’s ancestors moved to the midwest of the US, to Indiana, in the early 1800’s. I always think that those people, were so incredibly brave. To leave the settled part of the country, the east coast, and venture 1000 miles west, at a time when there were no roads, no infrastructure, no nothing. Outposts and trading posts, and some really rich farmland. So they went, and struggled and created a life out of wilderness.

So so gutsy.

Anyway, that’s where my head it at. Grateful for those that came before me, so that I could have the wonderful life I have. Grateful for the strong hearts and minds that they passed down to me. And which I took for granted for much of my life. When I look at the things I think I “struggle” over, I have to remember them.  And have a little perspective on my life.

Love and light everyone.

Loving Energy

Posted on by learning to live like water

My sisters and all of our kids are going to meet in Virginia at my older sisters house this weekend, for 5 days.  We are going to take my mom’s remains and lay them next to my father, who was waiting for her for almost 30 years.  I know they’re together now, even if I hadn’t gone to a psychic who told me they were together.  It will be warm and sweet and poignant and loving.  And fun, we always always have enjoyed each other’s company, thanks to my mom in large part, who never fostered sibling rivalry, but only sibling love.

I have to write something to say when we do this.  I’ve been thinking about it for a couple of weeks, and ideas are starting to form in my head.  Which is a good thing, but now I have to get them into some semblance of order, and then figure out how to say them or read them without crying.

I’m taking my computer with me, because God forbid I couldn’t write for 5 days.  But I won’t be around as much, for sure.  Guessing that I’ll start my day writing, as usual.

It seems that a few of the blogs I follow have suddenly taken hiatus, for short periods to refresh themselves.  I probably will do the same, while I am there.  But not completely, because this is how I work things out, and absorb things, and assimilate.  Often a blog leads me to somewhere where I didn’t plan to go, but there I am.  Last night’s blog about a larger perspective is a good example.  I did not expect it to work out with the realization that I need to open my heart again….but I’m grateful that it did, and that the wisdom came through me somehow.

Maybe it was a consequence of sending reiki to Scott yesterday, unbidden, because I felt he needed it.  I haven’t felt like it in a long while, for reasons which are pretty obvious.  I didn’t want to strengthen a connection that causes me pain.  Yesterday, I didn’t feel it caused me any pain.  it was just something I could do, and I felt it might benefit him, and so I did.  And the lovely thing about reiki is that when you give it, you get it, because it passes through you.  As a practitioner, you are only a conduit.  I’m glad I got back to the space where I could do that, send it to him.  I know of no one who needs the loving energy of the universe more, if he’s open to that receiving it, and sending it confirms to me that I’m healing in the direction I want to go.  Opening my heart, not so much to him, because the love I have felt for him is in the end always there, but I think that I let go of some fear, and that’s a blessing.  I feel for the first time in weeks, that I could talk to him without anger or pain.  Not that I’m going to (I see horrified looks on some of my friend’s faces….), but that at the moment, I could do this, and hold my own, lovingly without anger.  It might just be temporary, but its where I’d rather be.  Not filled with anger and fear, not constantly remembering what he did, but trying to remember that it was the best he could do, and using that larger perspective to forgive.

So on to my sisters, and my family. I’m leaving Saturday morning.  My son is coming Sunday.  Gonna make some memories.  🙂

Love and light, everyone.