Category Archives: Unconditional Love

Trying to Get Back to Myself

Posted on by learning to live like water

I just watched a documentary on Lama Garchen Rinpochet, who is considered to be a Buddha.  My friend with whom I am staying last night and tonight, had the great honor of meeting him.

Evolved, to say the least.  He travels the world, for the purpose of bringing love to all sentient beings.  All, not just some.  People cry, sob, for the love he gives them. You can see pure joy on their faces.  .

Unconditional love.

And that’s how we become happy, according to the dharma.

I believe it. I am finally getting back to the place where I know that unconditional love is my way.  I know that is when I am happiest, when I am acknowledging that believing in unconditional love means, loving people, without judgement, despite what you may feel on some other, less evolved, level.

The documentary reminded me who I was, who I wanted to be.  The nastiness of last week set me back.  I felt like I had to reclaim my life, my memories, what was MINE back from those who wanted to take it from me, pretend it never was, that it didn’t exist.

Tonight I remembered, I realized, that it’s mine, and try as they might, they can’t take it, so why get upset?  My life, my experiences, my truth, and my unconditional love can’t be taken. By anyone.

So,  the investment I had in bringing the truth to light, caused me to experience some really ugly emotions, some mine, some theirs.

I realize that there are people who are attached to their pain, to their story, that believe spreading it around will make it thinner for them.  But the opposite happens, and it becomes pervasive.

I have released all attachment to that outcome. I know what is mine, in my heart, and can’t be taken by that darkness. I know what was, what is, and I know where I want to go.  And that’s back to forgiveness, and unconditional love, and sending love and light to all, including those who tried to take it from me. They  need it most of all.

Love and light….. 🙂

WWYD? (What would you do?)

Posted on by learning to live like water

 

What would you do

What would you do?

If someone you used to love, told their ex-not-quite-current girlfriend (I don’t know what her status is at the moment.) that the only reason they asked you over for the weekend was for the sex?  Because she found out and was hurt, and he couldn’t stand up and own that what happened, happened because he wanted it to?

What if you found out this, in a round about way, from the ex-not-quite-current girlfriend, who was just trying to make sense of what happened to her?

What if, this ex-lover denied and betrayed you to her over and over, and had done the same to you, with her, up until recently?  And what if, that whole weekend you’d been trying to help  him, while your heart broke, to find a way back to her, because that’s what would make him happy.

What would you do?

Well, I wrote them both an email.  I told the story from my perspective.  I told her I was not angry at her, it was just a lie that she believed.  I was angry at him, for minimalizing and marginalizing our relationship.   I made it clear what I believed to be the truth and why.

I am a lover of the truth. I need it out on the table, I need to see it all, I need to allow people to draw their own conclusions from what IS, not what one person wants it to be to assuage their guilt.

What happens now, is what happens.  Probably nothing.  I hope she’ll forgive him for caring for someone when she was out of the picture, and even when she was in it.  Emotions don’t die, but he chose her, and I have to live with that, and can, and I am. I believe he still cares, and feels bad that he’s done it to me again, but didn’t see another way to heal the rift with her, than telling yet another tale

But that’s the problem for me. I mean I’m the loser here.  But I won’t live with him lying about who I was to him, and who he was to me, for a short time. I won’t be turned into some bimbo who fucked a man who didn’t give a shit about her.  For God’s sake.  I don’t regret a minute of of any of the time I ever spent with him, I am not ashamed or embarrassed by anything I ever did with him.  I’m sorry it hurt her, and I’m sure she probably feels the same about me now, because she’s a kind person.

It’s over now, I want to let it go.  I want to keep the memories I have, unflawed by his lies, his spinning of the truth into something other than it was.  I just want to be perceived as someone who loved him, and someone he cared for.  And then I want to find someone who can love me the way I can love.

He’ll never be able to love anyone that way.  But I know there are other people, men, who can.  He was good practice for me.  I learned what I want, and what I don’t, in a man.

I want someone who I can trust.  Someone whose light doesn’t come on once in a while and shine so brightly that it hurts your eyes because they are so accustomed to the darkness.  I want someone whose light illuminates my path, and whose path I can illuminate, and we can keep each other from falling into the pitfalls because we have so much light.

So, what would you do?  Did I over-react? Or was it appropriate and necessary?  I’d love your thoughts.

 

Too Old??

Posted on by learning to live like water

love heals

I’m getting too old for this.  Really…..

Too old to go to work at 8:15 every day, and and get home at 7 PM.  I’m so exhausted when I get home.  Thankfully, I usually think ahead and have some decent food left over in the fridge from the weekend.  Grateful for that.

I had a glass of wine while it heated up tonight. It tasted good. I just wanted to get in the fast lane to get to the slow lane. It worked, lol.

I’m too old for the energetic thing too. It’s over, whatever it was. I’ve been through it 100 times. Even the main sign that was plaguing me since Monday has disappeared. Thankfully. It was so weird. But I followed my instincts to get rid of it, and I did. I know this is cryptic, and I apologize. Just trust me, it was weird. But I also knew where it was coming from.

It seems that the only way to deal with that kind of energetic spike is with unconditional love. I’m calling it spike because it’s not really an attack, though that sounds more dramatic. It’s just a matter of feeling someone else’s energy, their emotions, or just feeling like they are trying on some level to make contact with you. To get your energy focused on them. In this case, I don’t want the contact. I know what will happen, I know it will cord me to this person yet again and that’s not something that I want to have happen.

When we were talking, I would just call him, or text him and find out what was going on. It’s easier to deal with, but then, if we were talking he already had my energy focused on him, and was just strengthening it.

I’ve been angry, upset, tried to ignore it. Nothing works, except the things I did today. I sent reiki this morning. I recited the Ho-oponopono (I’m sorry, Please forgive me, Thank you, I love you) and the Meditation I put up in an earlier post. Plus, I’ve been praying for him, for his happiness, and his health.

It’s the unconditional love, present in all of those things, that can turn the negative energy around, and send it back to do some good. The good thing is, you heal yourself when you do any of it. You are the conduit, so the positive energy comes from the universe and passes through you, as it goes wherever you send it.

Tonight I’m free of it, until the next time, lol.

I made plans to go out with a friend tomorrow after work. A nice local place, with a band. Older crowd. Decent food, small. We want to meet some local men, lol. We’ll have fun, we always do.

Less than a week til I go until Florida! Yay! I have a lot to do this weekend in preparation to be gone for a week.

Maybe I’m not so old as I felt when I got home tonight.

Gonna get a good night’s sleep tonight, see if I can wake up laughing again.

Love and light all.

 

Rising, Rising Strong

Posted on by learning to live like water

Woke up happy today! Even though it was my cat Maggie who woke me at 5:30, snuffing and purring around my head. I don’t know why she did, it’s not her normal MO. But whatever. I laid in bed for about 15 minutes, luxuriating in the fact that I did not have to get out of bed and get ready for work. I slept well, again.

Feeling more centered and grounded, and myself than I have in a long time. There are no unresolved issues in my head. I have a lot going on, like, a real life. No illusions, it is all real at the moment, and not something I have to roll around in my head constantly wondering what is really going on. I have vacation, plans with friends, a house to get ready for sale, things to do.

There is no drama. I can’t believe what a difference it makes, to have the drama out of my life. I sleep, for one thing. I am smiling a lot more. Thinking clearly. God, it’s so good to feel like maybe all that stuff really is in the past, and I only have good things to look forward to at the moment.

I guess some people, just love the drama. I like it in a movie, or a play. But in my life? Uh uh. No. Not at all. To live it? Nope. I leave those who love it, to live it on their own. I remove myself….

Real life, real truthful, honest life is so much more interesting. Knowing who you are, and what you want is so much more fulfilling than the wondering what is going on, or the creating a situation where no one knows what’s going on. I have extracted myself from that situation.

The sun is out today, bright, beautiful. It is cold but warming. I intend to take a long walk today, hopefully I’ll find a friend to go with me. Life is also bright and beautiful at the moment.

In the words of Rumi…

You have seen my descent

This is me

Posted on by learning to live like water

Heart on sleeve

Brene Brown says that allowing yourself to be vulnerable is the most courageous thing you can do.  I totally agree with her.

S used to say all the time that I scared him to death.  I think this was why.  I was not afraid, ever, to say how I felt, to put it all out there. To risk saying I love you, with no guarantee that the emotion was returned.  And, as it turned out, it wasn’t.

But you know, what other people think of me is none of my business.  But if I love you, I want to make sure you know it.  Make sure I never have regrets about not saying something.  I never ever want to think, “oh maybe if I’d just said that, I’d just shown him”.

And I don’t. I have no regrets, about any of the men in my life.  I put myself out there, I allowed myself to love fully, intensely, passionately, completely, beyond what I ever thought was possible.  If it wasn’t returned, it was these men’s problem.  I will do it again, I will risk the pain all over again, because the reward of loving that way is so worth the risk.  I’ll find him, the man who knows this.  I know it.

Yeah, if I’m going to leave a lasting impression in this world, let it be one of loving without reason, beyond limit.  Any day.  Anything else is not living the way life is meant to be lived.

Love and light, all.

Hockey Lessons

Posted on by learning to live like water

hockey lessons

Geez, I had a good day on WP.  Not a lot of visitors, or likes or comments, but like double the normal amount of views.  I have no idea what caused it, someone was reading old posts.  But it gave me a lift, it’s nice to see interest, although a few likes would have been nice, lol.  But then, maybe it was someone who didn’t want to register. 

Whatever.  Brene Brown says the world needs us to share our creativity, and this is mine, at least it’s my most passionate creative effort.  So I am happy for a day when twice the normal amount of my blogs are read. 

I got my hair done tonight. It’s such a treat to have it done.  Feels like pampering myself.  My hairdresser has two young girls who play hockey, and since my son played for 10 or 12 years, we have a lot in common.  I so remember our lives being wrapped around that sport.  Crazy. Hours in the car, driving all over New England for a one hour youth hockey game and turning around and coming home.  It would have been great family time, if my ex hadn’t been such an ass, and had to “coach” my son by telling him about everything he’d done wrong and “motivating” him by telling him he sucked at the game.  Poor kid.  I tried to stay out of it, because that only made it worse.  But there were times I couldn’t.  To sit in that enclosed car for 2 or 3 hours and listen to him verbally beat up my son was unbearable at times.  So I’d interfere, and redirect my husband’s anger at me, and off my son.  About the time my son got bigger than my ex, and a lot tougher, my ex stopped.  It also helped when I moved out, because he needed my son as an ally. 

Luckily, my son loved the game, and played anyway, and actually became quite good in spite of his father. (It’s no coincidence he hasn’t talked to his father in about 5 years.)  Many years he played up a year to the next age group.  He’s a big strong athletic kid.   He finally had to quit to be free of his dad, but he learned a lot of good lessons.  How to think on his feet (hockey is one fast game), what team work is, commitment to something, to other people.  How you can’t bullshit your way through life.  If you throw bullshit around in that game you’ll get hurt.

And how to skate like the wind.

Well, life lessons for a young man from hockey.  Some for his mom too.  Maybe even for his father, if his father can sit down and own what he did.  But I doubt it.  He seems so stuck on a life that didn’t work out the way he wanted, despite his best attempts to control the behavior of everyone around him, via threats, and yelling, and brow beating, withholding….

He never understood that the only control he ever had over my son and I was the amount he loved us. And that never showed up at all. Both my son and I tried endlessly to earn his love, his approval, to meet or exceed his expectations. Never could. Not when he changed by the minute what he expected or wanted from us.

I don’t understand the mind set. Well…I do. He believes love is something you earn, not something you deserve just because you are. He used to tell me to “use” my love for my son to motivate him. To give it and take it away as a reward or a punishment.

Can you imagine? Geezus.

It was the main reason I left him, almost 9 years ago. I had to give my son a choice, I had to let him know there are other options, other ways to live that are joyful. I wanted him to know that living in a household where two parents can’t say a kind word to each other, and the father has a temper tantrum on a regular basis that included throwing things, and making messes for me to clean up, wasn’t normal. I needed it for me, but if I didn’t do it for him, I would have lost him, I know.

So, wow, I wasn’t expecting this blog to go here, but it did….

Better times started the day I moved out. There were rougher times, but that was the beginning. The end of the fighting, anyway. Except in court, we did that for long enough.

We have such a good life now. Just blessed, really. It all turned out well, I think we learned our lessons. I know that love is the overriding emotion in this household. And that’s the only way I would have it.

Love and light, all…..

 

 

 

You’ll Get What You Need

Posted on by learning to live like water

I went to a friend’s house last night with a bottle of wine.  She is a member of my book club, and gets me and the person I am, and how I need to be consistent with my values.  She helped me to manage the anger I felt over the events of the last week, and other issues around them.  I was exhausted, I hadn’t slept but 3 hours the night before, and worked a full busy day.  I think I was running on adrenaline until about 9:30 last night, when I had the overwhelming desire to just lay down and go to sleep.  So I went home and did that.

I keep going back to my friend the gong player’s words, that the deck is always stacked in our favor.  Even when it seems it’s not.  I can believe that and hold on to it.

It’s going to be an incredibly cold weekend here, low temps below 0°F, and wind chills tonight of -20’s F.  Luckily it’s only a couple of days, and not weeks.  Seems a good weekend to start the serious business of getting the house ready to sell, especially since it’s a 3 day weekend here in the US.  I am really ready to work toward beginning this new chapter of my life, and leaving all this old, ugly stuff behind me.

Life doesn’t always give us what we want, thankfully, but usually gives us what we need.  As usual, may the universe work everything out for everyone’s highest good.  Love and light.

Keepin’On Keepin’ On

Posted on by learning to live like water

ho'oponpono

I just came home from my gong meditation. It was very emotional tonight. The last time I was at one, I came home and found out an hour later that my mother had passed away. On the way there, I had an overwhelming sadness, of missing her. Just wanted to cry. During the meditation tonight, I felt her presence, all the time with me. It was warm and comforting and close, and emotional.

Combined with the other emotionally charged chaos of this week, I ended up with my head in my hands at one point. Releasing, releasing. Release often comes in the form of a chill for me, a chill that starts from the inside, usually in my heart or solar plexus chakras, and radiates out. It happens in the summer when it’s hot, in the winter when it’s cold. I always have a blanket over me because it’s so intense. Like the inside of my body is shivering.

I had a talk after it was over with my two friends who put it on. This one takes place in their house, which is just beautiful. They didn’t know about Mom, so we talked about it, how intense tonight’s meditation was, and rich, and warm. How I felt I wasn’t alone, and could feel her with me. Soothing me, she knows my heart. She knows my pain, she is my mother and she’s still here for me. I wanted them to know, that they facilitated something special.

Love never dies. Even when those you love and who love you are not with you, they are with you. If I love someone, I will always love them. I will always want the best for them. I will always want them to be happy. I learned this from my mother, who always loved me. It was good to feel her love tonight. Very healing.

I began to do the Ho’oponopono towards the end tonight. Maybe just to myself, I don’t know. Maybe I want to heal everyone, I don’t know. It is just such a beautiful mantra. It feels like surrender, like giving it up to the universe. My friend who plays the gongs said tonight, “It’s all stacked in our favor you know.”

Yes, I know. Even when it feels like it’s not. I know it is. It is this simple truth that lets me keep on keepin’ on.

Difficult Emotions

Posted on by learning to live like water

Regrets, shame, guilt….Some very difficult emotions to manage.

I try, honestly, to live in a way I don’t have too many regrets.  It’s been a lesson I learned the hard way, so I try to always look at the big picture when I do something.  Sometimes, I don’t, or can’t.  Sometimes I get carried away and do things that I can’t be sure how they will turn out.  Don’t we all?

I tend to listen to my gut, my intuition.   Things have happened recently where I did that.  I couldn’t see the all the ramifications, there was no way to know what they would be, at least for me.  I followed my heart, my intuition.  I don’t regret it, for myself.  I warned others about doing things they would regret.  They made their choices.

Now I find out that these actions, which were far from mine alone, hurt other people, and have caused some of the other emotions in others.

I am sorry for that.  I don’t regret doing what I did, because the actions were something I needed. They helped me with my healing, they helped me to ease the pain of rejection and loss from the events of last fall.  That others were hurt, or feel guilty was inevitable, in that situation I guess.  I take no joy in that fact.

But at any rate, I am sorry for the discomfort of others.  The situation, from the beginning almost a year ago, was bound to hurt people, and keep hurting people.  I have retreated.  I have taken myself out, and leave the others to heal as best they can.  I tried to help, but I had my own healing too to deal with.  I know I did what I could to help.  And I did what I needed to to heal.  The fact is, those two things were never going to be the same thing.

I still believe in unconditional love.  I hope those hurt, and those immersed in guilt, can understand that it was hard for me too. I was always the odd woman out.  I’ll be fine, eventually.  I only wish the best for everyone, and ask the universe to work things out for the highest good of all of us.

 

A Little More On Physics

Posted on by learning to live like water

Following up my last post….the Physics of the Quest.

It is amazing how uplifting it is, to actually see the truth about some thing that’s been making you crazy, or just taking up too much of your headspace.  To be able to put it all in it’s own place in your psyche and actually just go to sleep, untroubled.  To wake up, and know where you are going, and see the possibilities in front of you.  To be able to let other things go, when you are able to see how incongruent they are with your beliefs and values, your desires, your lifestyle, your dreams.   Just identify and expunge.

It’s also good to know people are doing the best, from the place they are in  at the time. Then you don’t need to hold a grudge, don’t need to hang on to hate and anger and pain. I feel so much sadness for people who are so afraid of the truth.  To imagine that anything else will protect you.  So silly. The other choices, the ones other than facing and accepting the truth, will just make you sick.

As if lying and hiding the truth will ever protect you or anyone else.

Duh.

The truth really does set you free…..Just fly, lift your wings onto the breeze and let it carry you where you want to go.

Especially if you can combine it with unconditional love.  Love that never dies, but love that doesn’t weigh you down either.

In the words of Crosby, Stills and Nash,  “Let the water come and carry you away.”

Oh yeah.