A Trying Kind of Day

Posted on by learning to live like water

at-least-i-tried

It was a trying day. Like the kind of day where you’re trying really hard not to quit your job. Grrr. But it’s over.

Since I put up that post about “how long can your sign hold a grudge” I’ve been looking into my Aries traits. I have never been really into astrology, but honestly, everything I read about Aries is on the money with me. Strong, quick tempered but just as quick to get over it and forgive. Energetic. Extroverted. Passionate. Tonight I was looking up my best matches, lol. And whether or not my ex and I, or Scott and I were a good match.  Just informative, I wasn’t doing anything but a little retro-analysis for fun.  Just to see.

My ex was a Pisces. Honestly my Aries traits were so subdued with him, because I was always trying to figure out how to be so he’d be happy. So he’d approve and not loose that vitriolic tongue on me. So whether or not we’d have been a good match if he wasn’t an abusive sociopath, remains to be seen. The site I was reading said Pisces are gentle and intuitive….Well, not my ex. I guess he was in bed, but that was the only place.

But I think when you add all the facets of an abuser to any sign, the rest of the traits are lost, really.

Scott was an Aquarian, and man, he is the quintessential Aquarian. This site said “The relationship of Aries and Aquarius is very exciting, adventurous and interesting. They will enjoy each other’s company as both of them love fun and freedom. Although they share the same personality traits Aquarians need more space than Arians which may create a tiff between them. An Aquarian will always support the spontaneity of an Arian and in turn the Arian will also admire the creativity and innovative ideas of an Aquarian.” Damn, so true….he loved his space (of course, I didn’t know it ws filled with Betty…..) He was creative, and innovative, and I loved those things about him. That his creativity led him to creatively deceive two women….lol. Well, let’s just say, I’m not interested in pursuing that any longer!

I had to laugh….Betty is a Scorpio, supposedly the worst match for an Aquarius. “Scorpio’s moodiness, jealousy, and possessiveness will eventually make Aquarius feel trapped and possibly ignite the water bearer’s roving eye.” Um, maybe…….LOL. Sounds like a match made in, um….heaven? Lol. Well, she should know, she’s known him long enough.

Makes me laugh, how he projected the jealousy thing onto me. Yeah, when he did the prison whore…I was jealous for a moment.  I was more pissed, and appalled and devastated.  He devastated me for a hooker?   Jealousy was a small part of it. When he dumped me by telling me he was going to be with Betty after leading me on all week, I was jealous. But not that much after, I figured he knew what he wanted, and I just missed him.  And still loved him.  When I saw him in January and he was crying to me about her, I wasn’t jealous at all.  Apparently she was, though, when she found out he was with me.  Whatever.  It’s just that I kept wondering why he kept telling me he hated my jealousy when I really wasn’t, have never been, jealous.  I won’t share, but that’s not jealousy.  Hell, I always laughed at the way he flirted with the cashiers and the waitresses, he was funny as hell.  I’ve always known who I am, and that I have value, and if you don’t like it or want it, I’ll find someone who does.

Interesting though. But ’nuff said. Just anecdotal now.

I called my ex this morning, to ask him what would be a good time to drop off all the cassettes I have that I’m gonna give to him, because I can’t play them. He was appropriately grateful. Then he asked how our son was.

I said, “Oh he’s fine. I know he keeps saying he is going to call you but hasn’t done it.” He started to tell me how he thought about it for 3 days, searched his heart….he doesn’t work, and has no friends, so he’s got nothing else to do. Anyway, he came up with the reason my son won’t talk to him (It’s been maybe 6 years or so….) is because my son could never understand why his father and I couldn’t get along and he had to grow up in that bad relationship. Was it ok if he talked to my son about that?

I wanted to laugh. I mean really. But all I said was, “You can talk to him about whatever you want. But you are barking up the wrong tree. The reason he doesn’t talk to you has nothing to do with our relationship or with me.”

Of course he got mad. Got his defensive back up, lol. Idiot. My son won’t talk to him because he physically, emotionally and verbally abused the kid his whole life. Duh. I didn’t say that. I just said, ok, you believe what you want to. I gotta go.

And ended the conversation.

Maybe he’ll call a couple more people who don’t know my son, and haven’t spoken to me in 10 years for some advice. He’s lost his business, his home, his boat, his family. And it’s all someone else’s fault I guess. Probably mine…..

So with that conversation, I became more sure that they will never have a relationship. Even if my son called him, talked to him, the minute his father started on him with this bullshit, son would get pissed and walk away.

His father will never own up to the damage he did. It’s clear.

It’s sad, for my son. I’d love him to have a father. But not one like that, that can’t see the truth, can’t own what he has done, can’t recognize, feel remorse and repair the damage. Nope. My 23 year old son can do that. His 65 year old father cannot.

Sad. It’s sad for my ex. He’s gonna live his life out in this 500 sq. ft cottage, in the shadow of the life he could have had, right next door…..It’s actually kinda creepy…..

So, I’m thinking, it snowed today. I talked to my ex and he was the asshole I’ve always known and loved. Work was beyond chaotic today.

But I did try…..with my ex, to get somewhere with him. He told me he doesn’t want my thoughts on how to resolve his relationship with my son. So he won’t get them.

Love and light to all. Even him…..

 

Feeling The Joy Again, Finally

Posted on by learning to live like water

joy balloon

Boy.  The closer I get to not having to work, the less I want to go every day.  So here I sit, Monday morning, just wishing it was 2 months from now and (hopefully) my house would be sold and I’d be packing to leave.

I am not good with the transitory phase.  Once I decide I want to go in another direction, I just want to be there. When I visit family or friends, and the day comes where I have to go home, I just want to beam myself home, (“Beam me up, or in this case home, Scotty”).  That’s about where I am today, Monday morning.

I’d so much rather be doing something that would facilitate my moving, than going to work.  I think I will work a little when I get to Florida, maybe 20 hours a week.  But it won’t be a job like this, no serious responsibility, or big decisions to make.  Something mindless and maybe even fun, lol.

On top of not wanting to work, especially on Monday, when I have to work til 7, it is snowing.  It snowed yesterday.  Give it up winter!  It was 60’s last week, now it’s 30’s and snowing.  Another reason I want to get out of town, lol.  I have never lived where there wasn’t winter to deal with, and I am SOOO looking forward to it.

I was talking to my sister yesterday, telling her how I was packing up clothes to give away that I won’t need.  Looking in my coat closet, at my 5 or 10 winter coats.  She said, “well you’ll need a warm jacket, and maybe a coat, once in a while.  But you won’t need your ice scraper!  Or your mittens!”  We laughed, me, I almost cried, lol.  I will be so happy never to walk out into 0° temps again, with 5 layers of thick clothing and still be cold.  I hate being cold.  I am too old to be cold.  I won’t ever have my house set at 62°(F) again, when it’s so cold that to sit on the couch with my lap top, I am dressed my fleece pajamas, slipper boots, a thick pink robe, and a blanket over me.  (This just made me think of Scott, without being upset, lol.  He hated my pink robe.  He called it the “dreaded pink robe.”  If I wanted to make him laugh I’d send him a pic of me in it. Well those are old days, a funny memory.)

Do you suppose I’ll ever complain about the heat in Florida? I suppose. If I do, then…I’ll have to call my friends up here, in New England, or my friend up in the Adirondacks of New York, and see if I can come visit for a bit. I think I can find a bed. Airfare is cheap between Tampa and here.

Speaking of my friend from upstate NY, I think she’s coming to visit me next month. I want her to come before I leave here. She is an old high school buddy, we will have so much fun.

My new male friend will call tonight. He sent a message saying he would, and so far, he has done exactly as he says. Marbles in the jar. He’s reliable. He does what he says he will, time after time. Maybe we will make plans to meet, that would be nice. I look forward to talking to him, he has this easy, kind manner, his voice is relaxing. I feel like maybe we could be good friends, if nothing else, because I’m leaving.

I feel recovered this morning, from all my emotional upset that was wrapped around Maggie’s passing. Back to being excited about moving, about my new life. The old emotions have retreated to the place where they belong. They have a place in my heart always. But I feel, at the moment anyway, that I am done obsessing about them. There is so much for me to be happy about, grateful for, excited about. These are the things which will occupy my mind today.

Oh, and work, lol. I guess work will also still have to take up some of my space today. But not for long. Lots of joy in my heart this morning.

Love and light.

Sorting, Cleaning, and Organizing a Shift in My Thinking

Posted on by learning to live like water

change-thoughts

This picture at the top is a description of what happened to me today. I’m having a glass of wine, after spending the day cleaning, sorting, tossing, organizing. My nightstands were first. Put the stack of books next to my bed into a box of books that will go with me. Put away the prism light, tho not too far away. Both my nightstands are covered in crystals, which I love. I’ll put them away for the pictures, but then bring them back out.

My dresser, yikes. I have so much jewelry! All but a few odd pieces are things I made. Necklaces, bracelets, wire-wrapped pendants, earrings. How to organize it, so I can still use it, and so it can be hidden for the pictures. I think I figured it out, we’ll see.

Then I went to the spare bedroom closets. I cleaned them out of junk awhile back. But today I pulled out pants and sweaters that I haven’t worn, mostly too big, and won’t need in Florida. Two garbage bags full. Probably take them to Savers, the proceeds all go to Big Brothers and Sisters.

Then I went after two ginormous stacks of papers in one closet, all from my divorce. I can’t tell you how much paper there was, for a divorce that lasted 4 years, went to the Supreme Court. There were filings, depositions, motions, decisions, appeals, agreements (that’s a laugh….every one of them agreed to, none of the agreements kept by my ex), bank records, personal and our business, accounting records, spreadsheets, tax returns, yada yada yada.

It made me unbelievably sad. I found the mortgage deed to our first house, paid in full after 15 years. Our cute little cape cod house, with the slate roof, and 150′ of lake front. The promise was so sweet, we had the world by the tail. Except for the occasional outburst that would land dishes and food on the floor, broken and sprayed all over, for me to clean up. We had a set of collector plates, all Normal Rockwell plates, $40 each I think. He broke every one of them one night. I always thought it was my fault, I’d caused it, that’s what he told me. Sociopaths can be very convincing.

It’s all gone now. He fought to keep my name off the deed of that house, and it was a blessing in the end, because once the first mortgage was paid off, none of the debt that caused him to lose the house in foreclosure was mine. His little plan for power and control backfired.I The universe is self-correcting….

Then I found piles of my old journals. Hand-written on legal pads and spiral notebooks. I wrote them because I couldn’t talk to anyone about what was happening to me, and to my son. I was embarrassed, ashamed, I thought it was my fault. I had to at least write it down, I had to at least release it to the universe. I’d never heard of blogging then.

While I was going through this, as if on cue, my phone started playing “The Prayer”. “Lead us to a place, guide us with your grace, to a place where we’ll be safe.” He did……

I went from the sweet promise of our first home, to hating every minute in that house. Hating to come home from work, never knowing what I’d walk into.

I found the mortgage papers for this house where I live now, after I found the demand letters from my atty to his, saying ok, the Supreme Court says pay her, so pay her. Thank God I left when I did, before he had gone through all the money we spent all those years working for. He still blew his portion, which was more than half. But I got enough to start over, and for that I am eternally grateful to the Universe.

I’ve been so happy here. My son has been so happy here. We had five good years here. Full of love and light and joy. Friends, and family. Spontaneous get-togethers. I think even Scott liked the energy here, he used to love to sit on the deck and talk til the wee hours our first summer together. Even our second summer, we still sat out there talking, though it was not as often, he had Betty then. I will be sad to leave here, but look forward to my future life.

Funny though, when I found all the stuff about my ex, the divorce papers, the journals….I just wanted to pitch them. Been holding onto them all these years, and now, I wanted that part of my life over. And I thought, I think it’s time to say the same about my loving Scott. I need for that to be over too, in my head. It’s still fresh, and I’m still attached by the energy, but it’s over. Today I realized that at the end of the day, I don’t feel much different about him than I do my ex. Sad for them, sad for the promise that never blossomed.

I had a bunch of cassette tapes I took with me when I left my ex. I put them all in a bag today when I came across them and I’m going to give them to him. I have nowhere to play them, he has a cassette player in all three of his cars. I also have a bunch of LP’s that I took with me. Vinyl records. But I’m keeping them, I want to get a turn-table some day.

My sister called me today. So full of excitement about my house, she got me refreshed as to the good things that I have in front of me. She’s scoped out windows for the house, she says her hubby is itching to go do work on the little house. I have gone to sleep thinking about my cute little yellow Florida house with the orange shutters and green trim, and the palm tree at the corner of the house. She can’t wait to help me landscape the yard, she has such good knowledge of what plants will do well, which ones won’t. She is a great gardener. We’ll take lunch breaks on the beach. 🙂 🙂

We talked about how fun it will be for us to live close to each other. We haven’t lived near each other since we left home. She exclaimed…. “I love your little town, I’ll be coming over there all the time!!!” I am looking so forward to being able to say “Hey why don’t you come over for dinner tonight…” Or lunch, or whatever. Just to hang out with my sis, my family. To be able to run to Long Boat and watch the sun go down with her and her hubby over the Gulf.

I’ve been chatting with a man all week, a different kind of guy. He knows I’m moving. He is kind, centered, from what I can tell, spiritual. We have spoken on the phone. He isn’t pressing for anything, except a friendship, meaning, he seems willing to let things happen in their own time. I have not told him of my recent heartache, it seems irrelevant to our very budding relationship. I’m not looking for a relationship. Just someone to do things with maybe and have some fun. It’s nice to talk to a man without an agenda.

I’ve run the gamut of emotions today, covering my life, really, my whole adult life today, in the cleaning out and organizing and shedding of those things which no longer serve me. The men I loved, I still love. Some more than others, for sure. I wish good things for them. I hope my ex can find some joy. I hope Scott does too. My life moves onward. Joyfully.

Love and light…..

Sunday Thoughts

Posted on by learning to live like water

challenges

The weather here has retreated back to winter for a few days.  An Alberta Clipper dumped a few inches of snow on us in a very short time this morning, and now has stopped.  Yesterday it was warm and rainy, typical spring weather.  Like me, the weather can’t quite let go of the past, yet, knows that the best is yet to come. 

Still, I know that the past is not what I want. And the future is so bright, right now.

I had a hard time getting to sleep last night. Well…not getting to sleep, staying asleep. I think, left-over emotions from Maggie’s passing. She was the first living being that I have stood by, watching as she left this world little by little. Letting her go, little by little. And grateful, when her time came, that she was no longer in pain. Grateful that she had been in my life for these last 8 ½ years, to comfort me when I most needed it, to love me when the darkness came, when the fear for and missing of my son overwhelmed me. When the illusion of being loved was no longer an option. When the person who loved me the best, the most, the longest, the purest, left this world.

Honestly, she would hear me cry, and hop up on the bed, and lay on the pillow next to me, resting herself on my arm, or hand, purring loudly. She was my constant companion, where I was, she was. When she heard my mediation music go on in the morning, she would jump up on the couch, walk around me, rub her head against my cheek, and lay down beside me purring, as I drifted into the space between the words. She always greeted me by the door when I came home, having been alerted that I was home by the garage door opening. It will take me some time not to be looking for her to race up the stairs ahead of me, and then sit in the bathroom, waiting for me to turn on the water in the sink for her drink.

Watching her slide into the void, sharing that experience with her, felt like an honor. She was here, she slowly drifted away. She seemed afraid in moments, she was calmed by my voice and my hand petting her head gently. My son too, throughout her last night, came up to check on her often. He brought her food and water bowls in the room where I had made her a bed, he took food out of the bowl and put it by her head, trying to will her to eat a little.

Her loss, brought up the other losses, of the last few months. I work my way through all those emotions, again, and wonder when they will just be memories, and not arouse pain, or longing, or wistfulness. When I will just miss those people, without attachment to their loss. When will all the working through will be done.

I have found that missing someone is easier than losing them. Most of the time, I can miss those who are gone from my life, and it is just an undercurrent of my life. Part of who I am, what makes me the unique person I am. But another loss, makes a new crack, and before the light fills it, the emotions all pour out of the crack, into my heart. When they are done, finished, the light will fill the crack, I will have a greater glow than before.

The people we have loved will always live on in our hearts, they will always have a place there. The energy connections remain, a comforting hum in the cacophonous din of the world.

Love and light….

On Being An Aging Hippie

Posted on by learning to live like water

aging hippie

I am an aging hippie.  I graduated high school in 1969, the year of Woodstock.  I did not get to go, I lived in Iowa at the time. Instead, that summer, I went to Chicago with my boyfriend of 3 years, who played lead guitar in the best band in town, and another couple, and we saw Blind Faith. It was a birthday present for my boyfriend. I saw a few concerts during that time of my life.  I saw the Beatles, twice, the Rolling Stones twice, The Grateful Dead, the Allman Brothers, It’s a Beautiful Day, Steppenwolf, Lovin’ Spoonful, a myriad of lesser names, like Donovan…..But I think Blind Faith was probably the best concert.  They were a band of the greatest musicians of the time, Eric Clapton, Ginger Baker, Steve Winwood and Rick Grech.  They toured one summer, made one album and that was it….But what amazing alchemy they had.  Anyway, that was my Woodstock, to sit in the 9th row and watch Erick Clapton….  My younger sister, who continues to go to concerts, still tells me she is sooo jealous that I got to see Blind Faith.

I left the town I lived in to go to college at the University of Iowa.  A huge school, 40,000 undergrads, maybe 10,000 grad students. The home of the University of Iowa Writers Workshop, attended by many many incredibly famous and accomplished writers.  To be invited there is HUGE in a writers life.  I was also pulled into the drug culture.  My ex and I were living together, and smoking a lot of pot, we tried psychdelics, we tried a lot of things.  We had a lot of fun, we had two cats a pure white female named Annie, and a pure black male named Alex.  We hung out at the bars during happy hour, buying dime beers and 25 cent wine coolers with a table full of our friends.

We took part in the anti-Viet Nam war protests. They had set a curfew, and I remember walking around the campus, and seeing national guardsmen or state police on the roofs of buildings with high-powered rifles following me as I walked up the hill, their guns trained on me.   As a freshman at school, I was living in the men’s dorm with my ex, not officially, because it wasn’t allowed, but unofficially.  During the riots which closed the school after a major building was burned to the ground, the national guard tear-gassed the dorm, the hallways.  I was afraid to run out, because I wasn’t supposed to be there anyway , but also because we could see kids out the windows getting beat with billy clubs, there were hundreds of state police and national guard around the dorm.  So we stuffed a towel under the door and wrapped one around our faces. But to this day, I can tell you that tear gas is aptly named.

We both (my ex and I) quit school for lack of interest, but stayed in the city for another year or two.  Working, smoking dope, hanging out, wasting time, having a ball for ourselves.  I have not, since that time, felt that free.

I will say though, that our interest in drugs was looking for enlightenment.  It was NOT about “hey man, lets get high and have some fun, do some shit….”  Of course, we did…but the overall intention was to evolve, even back then.  Though I’m not sure it was a coherent thought.  I do know that at some point back then, the objective was lost, and the drugs became the end, not the means, and I was ready to let go of that life when we moved.  It felt like a waste of time.

When we left Iowa City a couple years later, and came to Connecticut, we just left that life behind.  Took on responsibility, real jobs, took on debt for a house and cars, got married, owned our own business, worked all the time. Pot smoking was out, concert going was out.  I wish  many times that we hadn’t given it all up, there was a lot of value that was left behind.  My ex began sliding down the slippery slope of power and control, probably exacerbated by working for his father for 14 years, who was the donor of the abusive gene.

Anyway, that was me. When I was with him in January,  Scott was telling me how he and Betty were old hippies. They knew each other then, though were not romantically involved.  Then they lost track of each other for 30 or 40 years.  I told  him , yes well I was a hippie too.  Scott then told me that I wasn’t a real hippie, that I didn’t “live the life”.  I remember looking at him quizzically, wondering why he would say that, especially considering he knew very little of my old life, and he asked very little.  He didn’t offer it up, I didn’t feel like defending part of my life to him. He assumed.  (You know the old adage about doing that…..)  I didn’t disabuse him, it didn’t really matter to me.  By that point I knew I was moving, I was not trying to build a relationship again.  I was just there, in the moment, enjoying his company.  But I would guess maybe because I didn’t live in a commune, or participate in orgies, or become some drug addicted wastoid, that he didn’t feel I qualified.

Well…I wasn’t a hippie like he was.  Thank God….but I was part of a huge culture of love and peace. I was as much a part of that, and it a part of me, as anyone.  Free love was not part of who I was, I could never just randomly have sex with anyone.  But I don’t think that disqualifies me, it just separates my experience from his. I drew the line at hard drugs.  And it’s a good thing.  My ex, who was my boyfriend at the time, expressed some interest in them, in “trying” them.  I didn’t at the time, realize what an addictive personality he had, but thank God I drew the line and told him not if he wanted to stay with me.

Anyway, now, 45 years later, I find that both my sisters and I smoke pot once in awhile, once in a great while.  My old high school friends too.  We didn’t, for so many years.  And now, with retirement in my sights and the pressures of raising a family and paying off the mortgage lessened, it is nice to do, once in awhile.  I smoked with Scott, twice in all the time I knew him.  And a couple times with Addie.  I’m still much more prone to have a glass of wine, if I want to relax.  Even moreso, just to have a glass of water.

I still, even more passionately, seek enlightenment.  And I find it not through pot, or psyhedelic drugs, but through meditation, gong baths, sound and vibrational meditations, reading as much as I can of the great teachers we have today.  I have never gotten as high on pot or LSD as I have from a gong bath.  It’s different, it expands by going within, peeling back the layers, facilitating a reconnection to our true selves, our spirit, our souls.  We come into this world on the breath of angels, and then begin to forget, and begin the battle of the ego vs. the soul.

This is why Learning to Live Like Water is the journey BACK to source.  Because I know I was there, and I want to get back there.  I am so pleased to have so many people join me on this journey.

Love and light, all….

 

 

 

Thoughts on Healing

Posted on by learning to live like water

Healing

I’ve had a lot of thoughts about healing in the last 24 hours. This is just me, working out my thoughts.

In the circles I run in, “emotional healing” is a big deal.  It is what we are always doing.  Sometimes with a narrow focus, like trying to get over a failed love affair, or the loss of someone close to us.  Often though, to heal from these things, we find out we have to dig deeper.  Sometimes the healing is very broad, it encompasses all of our pain, and comes down to the base idea that we have decided we are separate from the one great thing. That concept, that idea in itself, is faulty and will lead to all kinds of emotional angst.

In my case, it is easy to understand why I grieve and and have healing to do from the loss of the people and animals I have loved, who have moved on to the next level.  The healing there is just really adjusting to life without them, but knowing they are in truly a better place, and haven’t really left us.

Getting over a love that didn’t work out makes me go deeper, and ask questions.

Why was I so attracted to this person?  Why did I ignore the red flags?  Why did I allow him to treat me so badly?  (And by allow, I mean, stick around continually after he did it?) Why did I think so little of myself?  And, finally….what did I learn?

These same questions can be asked in a million different situations, which have made us unhappy.

I really believe that our soul’s purpose in this life, (which makes it our purpose….our only real purpose) is to learn the karmic lessons we have agreed to learn, so that our souls can evolve. I believe that this is the definition of karma….that if we don’t learn these lessons they will keep repeating until we do. That can become, what goes around comes around. But I don’t believe karma is about paying for it if you do something which harms yourself or someone else. That just perpetuates a negative cycle. I think it’s more about learning, and evolving. I think if you learn the lesson and truly change your path, then the lesson is learned, and won’t come around to bite you. The payback, if there is any, is the pain you feel when you truly understand the damage you did and truly feel remorse over it. Empathy, to understand how another feels. The pain you feel, if you are truly changing and learning and evolving, will cause you to do all you can to repair the damage done by your false ego.

The three R’s…recognition, remorse, repair.

The universe, the great consciousness of which we are all part, is unconditional love. Unconditional…..meaning, you don’t have to do anything except exist to have it.  It is not earned, or given, and can’t be taken away.  Unconditional.  That one great thing, wants you to remember you are part of it, and that we are all so connected. That if you hurt, I hurt. If you hurt someone, you hurt everyone. If you love someone, truly unconditional love, not selfish ego-boosting pretend love…then everyone benefits from the extension of that love.

(If this sounds like lessons from A Course in Miracles, it probably is, lol.)

S has said to me a few times since the truth became known, “I know I’m going to pay 5 lifetimes for what I did to you.” (I’m using this as an example only, not to be talking about him. It’s just such a clear illustration of the kind of faulty thinking that separates.) But he didn’t change, he kept doing it, or attempting to, until she and I put a stop to it. Even though he’s not doing it now, as far as I know, he has not been able to feel empathy for what he did to she and I, he has not repaired the damage, at least not with me.  He has run from the implications.  He left it, with the lies that were exposed, acknowledged.  But there were more in the works. Lies about the things that can’t be proved, but are known.  About feelings, and motivations.  I believe it’s just a matter of time until his ego forces him back into the same lesson, over again. Not to be berating him, but to see him. My heart aches for him to keep living this lesson over and over again.

He recognized, but there was no true remorse, and no real attempt to repair. When push came to shove, he couldn’t cross over, and stick with it. (I think it is in large part because admitting it, and truly seeing it causes so much shame that it becomes easier to continue rather than face it. Short term gain, vs long term ramifications.) So…yes, he will continue to experience the same lesson over and over, because he is a narcissist, who puts his ego ahead of everything else. He once told me the only reason he hadn’t finished himself off was because he had so much fear that the next life would be worse than this one.

As if he had no control over that. As if, he couldn’t change his life and his thinking right now…..and alter his path. Imagine being such a slave to your ego, that you would keep causing yourself the same pain over and over at it’s direction. As if the unconditional love of the universe would hold a grudge. The universe simply wants us to evolve. That loving energy is not hell-bent for revenge, or punishment. It’s hell bent for us to evolve into more loving, caring beings. The ego, on the other hand, uses fear to drive us. Why anyone would want to live their life in fear instead of love, when the choice is made clear to them, is beyond me.  But we have a choice, because we have free will.  To learn the lesson, or not.

So…healing, for all of us, I think, is a matter of peeling back the layers, one at a time. As humans, there is always another layer. We are, after all, spiritual beings having a human experience. Healing is evolving. Evolving, to me, is why we are here.

Love and light, and sweet healing, to all.

 

 

Bubbling

Posted on by learning to live like water

Bubbles

I came  home tonight, and my son and I found a spot under the evergreens that line the border of my back yard, and dug a hole, and buried her.  My sweet little Maggie.  I miss her already.

Not much to say tonight.  I very much appreciate all the thoughts and wishes from everyone.  Just laying low, letting it bubble up.  Lots of it tonight, old stuff, new stuff. I didn’t really want to excavate, but that seems to be where I’m headed.

Bubble bubble. Love and light.

 

The Day Passes

Posted on by learning to live like water

The day is going by. I’m busy at work, that’s a good thing. I asked my son if he could be home to bury Maggie with me and  he said, yes of course. Glad about that. He happened to be off work today. 

I’ll feel better when that’s over.  

Next week I guess I should get started on pricing up insurance for the Fl house. This weekend, runs to the dump and clearing off the counters and my dresser which is covered by jewelry. 

Was reading old blogs, that someone was reading, it showed in my stats that they were read. Seemed random. 2, 4, 6, 9 months ago.   But whatever.  Reading them, knowing what I know now, I was so naive. And didn’t think I was. So trusting. Because I wanted to believe. 

Time and distance have given me perspective. Shown me the lessons. 

Still….like Liz Gilbert says, when the karma of a relationship is gone, all that’s left is the love. At least on my end. I have let go…. Finally and completely.  The love is somewhat tempered by reality though. I still find myself wishing the reality hadn’t been so brutal. It wasn’t necessary.  But it is what it is. 

Love and light.