Making Progress in Small Steps

Posted on by learning to live like water

progress-in-the-small-steps

It was a good day today, a very nice Christmas.  Breakfast and dinner with my son, gifts….We hung out together for a good part of the day.  Got his computer set up and working. I asked him if he thought I should invite his dad for dinner.  He looked at me like I was kind of crazy and said, “No……”

Progress is made in very small steps, I guess.

I went to my friend’s house this evening to take part in her huge family celebration.  Her family treats me as one of it’s own.  I have spent Christmases and Thanksgivings with them for years, since I left my marriage.  It’s loud and noisy and there are little children playing, pregnant nieces due any day, and tons of food and drink.  It’s so much fun, so lovely to be included in that wonderful chaos with such an incredible undercurrent of love running through it.

Crazier still, to be sitting in her kitchen with all the windows and doors open.  It was downright warm today!  There is a lake in town, I lived on it for 30 years with my ex.  Last December it was frozen almost all of December, with ice boats and hockey games on it all the time.  Today some of my friends launched their boat, and went water skiing with a Santa Suit on!  It was on the news!

I made plans to go out tomorrow night with a single girlfriend.  It will be fun, I’m looking forward to that.  But I hope to get a walk in sometime tomorrow and walk off some of this food, lol.  I felt good at my friends tonight, because family members I hadn’t seen in a long time noticed my weight loss. 🙂  There is so much food in my house right now though, I will have to work at keeping it off.  I’d like to drop another 10 lbs before I go to Florida in March.

Working still, continuously, on focusing my energy on what is, and acceptance, and holding the experiences of the past year in my hands and my heart.  This too, is a work in progress.  And progress in this work is also measured in small steps.  But we move forward, a little bit at a time.

Christmas Morning Epiphany

Posted on by learning to live like water

Christmas Sunrise 2015

It’s Christmas morning.  I’ve been up since before dawn, and managed to catch the sunrise, which was beautiful.  It is such an unusual Christmas morning. It’s warm out, I went out on the deck to take this picture, and left the slider open, it’s almost 60° outside!  Certainly not a normal New England Christmas!

I have had a few epiphanies this morning.  One was while I lay in bed, luxuriating in the fact that I did not have to get up, and go to work.  For the last couple of months, my elbows, forearms and wrists have been in a lot of pain while I slept and when I wake.  I believe it’s just arthritis. At least that’s what I’ve been saying.

I did realize this morning, that the pain has increased substantially since the break-up.  I also realized I have not been dealing with it, just trying to ignore it, and have been focused more on obsessing about the break-up.  What he did, to me, to her, to himself.  Trying to understand that mindset that would create a situation that was bound to fail, to hurt himself most of all.

I decided that starting today, I was going to redirect that energy to myself, and find out what the emotional components of arthritis presenting in my arms was.  Louis Hay’s book “You Can Heal Your Life” has a permanent place on my coffee table.  I got up, I did my morning meditation, (which I gave a little extra time today), and then consulted the book.  I was not surprised at what I found, because I knew there was an emotional component linked inextricably to my recent experience.  But here’s what it said.

Elbows (I have a limited range of motion at the moment):  Represents changing directions and accepting new experiences.

Wrists (also limited range of motion):  Represents movement and ease.

Arms (specifically for me, throbbing pain in my forearms when I rest):  Represents the capacity and the ability to hold the experiences of life.

Wow.  I am obviously not accepting, nor moving through the experience of the break-up, the deception that was visited on me, well.  It is manifesting in my body.

It had also caused sleep issues, causing me to be dependent on taking a prescription sleep aid.  I have not taken any this week, and I am finally getting back into my own old sleep patterns.  Which probably allowed me to re-evaluate this pain in my arms.

I have to look at the lies and deception that culminated in such a painful break-up as an experience. An experience from which to learn something, about myself.  I learned about trust, about loving myself first.  And I also learned that I still have the capacity to love someone intensely and passionately.

These are lessons that I would not know, if I didn’t live through that experience.  It is now my task to accept the experience, without regret.  To embrace the lesson.  It is said that those who make your life the hardest are your greatest teachers.

Perhaps, if my purpose in his life was to remind him of his intrinsic value, his was to teach me those invaluable lessons.  That trust is something earned, not given freely like love.  That we have to love ourselves first, and enough, to walk away when we recognize that a relationship does not serve us and only takes from us, causing us pain.  To know that I can love passionately and intensely?  Well, that’s just a gift.

The break-up also has brought me to feeling compassion for the man with whom I spent most of my life.  He also created a situation which was bound to fail.  There could be no other outcome of the way he was living.

It is obvious to me, that there is a healing in the wind.  Healing my bruised psyche of the pain that the lies and deception caused me.  Healing the relationship with my ex, because it may be that it’s possible now.  I will take that as it comes.  The journey back to life is still his to take.

Healing between my son and his father. I can only pray.  It’s not my relationship, I can only facilitate the loving kind of environment that would make space for it.

I hope there is healing for Scott.  Not necessarily the way he wants it, but for him to reconsider the way he lives his life, and change it so that he can live out his life in a rich full way.  But his journey is his, it’s none of my business.  I am hopeful for him, but there is no expectation.  And I doubt if I’ll ever know what the outcome is for him, of all this trauma.  So I wish him love and light, he is in my prayers.  But my life diverges, and I will be leaving that path behind me.  I just deleted the whole text thread with him, which went back almost 3 months to the week after I initially found out about Betty.  I intend also to delete all the emails I have sent him, including a lot of writing I did just for him.  I let it go, I send it to the universe now, where I trust it will be atoned and turned into something beautiful.

I see the break-up now, as a fissure.  A huge crack in my life, which not only allows the light in, but also allows space to grow.  Like a seed breaking ground to become a beautiful flower, or a tall tree, or some other magnificent creation.  Everything reaches for the light.

On this Christmas morning, I change my focus, to accepting fully and with gratitude the experiences which continue to shape my life.  I regret nothing.  I will hold the experiences, not only in my arms but in my heart.  I will change direction gracefully, and let go of the pain and devastation that has been my focus for the past few months.

The best Christmas gift I could give myself.

Merry Christmas everyone.  Love and light to all.

 

 

Christmas Eve Growing Pains

Posted on by learning to live like water

growing pains

Christmas Eve.  The cooking is done for tonight.  We had a nice meal, but now my son has retreated to his space, and I’m here alone with the tv and my computer.  I miss the old days of being with extended family, having people around.

I called my ex today and told him there was soup and cookies on his doorknob.  He seemed really happy that I thought of him, and that I called.  He got me up to date on his family.  Most of it I knew but I didn’t tell him.  He didn’t sound drunk, so maybe he has stayed off the alcohol.  We had a nice conversation, and that’s a relief.  I called him because I knew if he didn’t go out of the house through that door, he wouldn’t know it was there.  And he didn’t know.  I was glad he called.

I told my son his father was going to call him.  I told him about our nice conversation.  I said, “you know, it would be nice if we were all at least talking before we all move.”  My son nodded, and agreed.  He has not talked to his father in 4 years.  At least.  I think it’s time, really.  He’s been away from his dad for 7 years, I’ve been for 9.

His dad called tonight, while we were eating.  My son didn’t answer it, but said he would call him back tomorrow.  I would be so happy if the relationship with my son and his father improved to the point that they were on speaking terms.  I was going to say was normal, but I think that’s asking a lot.  If my son can talk to his father, at all, without fear or resentment, I would be happy.  That’s a Christmas gift in itself.

While I was writing, my son came up and he and I just had an intimate, hard conversation about moving.  He to Colorado, me to Florida.  He is afraid he won’t have saved enough money to move, and set up a new life there by the time the house sells.  He just told me he is happy here.  He doesn’t want to even move, he would be happier if we were just staying here.  But he knows I can’t stay here and keep the house if I retire.  It’s just too expensive to live here.  But we came up with a plan, I assured him I would work with him.  But it’s up to him to make a plan he can live with, and then work the plan.

He feels better.  It’s overwhelming to him, he’s only lived in this small New England town his whole life.  Growing pains.  He’s kind of been living in between being totally on his own and being taken care of by a parent.  He’s talking about embarking on his own life, and he’s overwhelmed by it.  But he’ll be fine.

I have to say, we have been happy here.  Living here has been a hard won dream come true.  This is the place where we healed from the years of abuse.  The end of this segment of our lives is going to bring big changes to us both.  They will be good changes, but changes nonetheless.

Seems like a lot of growing pains this Christmas.  My son, and his life.  His and my relationship with his father.  Me with letting go of those things that have not served me well this past year, the things that have drained me, and given nothing back.  Over the next week, I want to fully let these things go,  and focus my attention where it will move me forward in my dreams, and bring me joy.

Still, I am so blessed this Christmas.  So much to be grateful for.  And I am.  More than I can say.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

 

 

Chasing Those Blues Away

Posted on by learning to live like water

Ok, I’ve been a little morose today.  I’m home alone, though my son will be home later to have Christmas Eve dinner with me.  But I missed not having someone, even the narc or the sociopath, around for the holidays.

Which is stupid, because the sociopath made sure every holiday was about him, and not in a good way.  He’d have a fit over something, anything, and we’d all be put in our place.  S, well, I saw him the weekend after, not for Christmas.  He went to  his ex-wife’s to see his kids, that was fine.  We had a nice weekend after, exchanged gifts.  That was before BB came back into his life.

So today I just wished there was someone around, family, friends or someone!!!  But I know all my friends are either working today or getting ready to have company etc.  So it was me by myself.

I had to go out to get wine and Amaretto (for the sauce for a cake).  I packed a small container of cookies and one of the soup my ex’s mother used to make, and took it to his house.  I parked about halfway down the driveway so he wouldn’t hear me (it’s long, about 200 ft, and winds through woods to the lake) and walked up and put the bag on his door.   He was home, I’m sure because his three cars were in the driveway.  3 cars, and he doesn’t sell any of them.  And he’s broke.  It’s so weird to look at my old house next door and no one is living there at the moment.  I’m guessing they are doing some major renovation inside before anyone moves in.  But it was still strange.  I don’t know how he can stand it, to be less than 100′ away from his home of 40 years.  And why he has 3 cars…..  He wanted me to loan him $7K to keep the boat from getting auctioned off.  But wouldn’t sell a car or two.  Oh well, not my worry.   I hope he finds the bag of stuff…though he may not if he doesn’t go out.  Crazy….

Anyway, when I got back from that excursion, I was looking through some old conversations between S and I…and really, that got me out of the doldrums.  He was so in denial, trying to undo the things he said to me, and earlier, trying to keep me in his life.  Geezus.  I realized just how self-centered he was, just how little he cared really about anyone, except for his own pleasure.  And I sighed a big sigh, realized how fortunate I was to find out the truth and not waste any more of my precious time or love on him,  and got back to myself.

No, there’s no one special right now in my life.  I still feel like there will be, and in the not too distant future.  I asked the pendulum, lol.  It agreed. I put some Christmas Carols on and got busy in the kitchen.  I began to think about my son being home, and how lucky I am to be with him, and here.  When I went to the package store, I saw my bffs nephew, who I will see tomorrow at her house. He is like family to me too.  I really have so much going for me in my life.  No one special, well, that’s something that can’t be remedied til I find the right person.  I’m sure he’s out there.

It’s also SOOOO strange to go outside and the temps are like spring or fall.  It’s actually humid, in the 60’s.  No jacket needed.  We are breaking every record held for temperature in New England this weekend.  And next week, they’re predicting snow on Tuesday.  Well, it had to come sometime, lol.

So, now that I’ve stopped feeling sorry for myself…..lol, I wish everyone Happy Holidays.   Heading back to the kitchen, lol.  Maybe I’ll have some Christmas liquid spirit while I cook!

Peace……

Christmas Eve Morning Musings

Posted on by learning to live like water

love and belonging

Before I went to bed last night I used my very unscientific method of confirming my feelings about knowing him from a past life, I asked my pendulum, both of them.  LOL.  They both said, yes, we have known each other in past lives.  They both said yes, I was supposed to remind him of who he was.  But no, I was not supposed to bring him back from the darkness.

Which is a relief…..Because I did my best, while we were together, to tell him that he had a beautiful soul, and that I could see it.  The darkness, the things that have happened to him in his life, have obscured it, in his own mind.  I always saw it, and even now, I know that it was his insatiable need to be loved that made him deceive.  I know his holes are so deep that he just couldn’t let go.  Such erroneous thinking.

Ruin is a gift, S.  It is the only way to begin transformation. I know he’s saying “bullshit” to that, lol.  But it’s true.  The trip back from the darkness is his to undertake, when he’s sick of having his life go wrong.

I saw him, I still see him…I forgive his inability to believe enough in himself to tell the truth.  I do know that the person the most hurt by all he did was himself.  So, the fact that I made sure she knew the truth is secondary.  If there had been nothing to tell, he wouldn’t be there.

The fact that I’m sure he blames me for the misery he’s in now….well, honestly, what he thinks of me is none of my business.

My ex has the same issues, of not believing anyone could love him based on his own merit.  And blaming me. He never was with another woman, but he lied about finances, about what he was doing, about his life, about his successes and failures, and blamed everyone else for everything.  In the end, everything was my fault, and still is, I know.  I really want to take him some Christmas food today.  I will try, but honestly, I don’t even know if he’s even living in the same place.  I’ll try, as long as I can do it without running into him.  I haven’t seen him in about 2 years, though I’ve talked to him during that time.  But I just don’t want to come face to face and have to talk to him.  It would be uncomfortable for us both.

I have considered inviting him over for the holiday.  But first, my son and he have no relationship.  My son is content that way, even though I know he’s avoiding feeling all the stuff that he had to deal with with his father.  I could not do that to my son. He’s made a lot of progress, and is a great kid, but he’s not ready to deal with his father’s abuse.

I also know that my ex believes everything we had together, all of the money and possessions, were his, not ours….so the fact that I have a lovely home while he lost everything he had because he borrowed so much money and thought he’d never have to pay it back, would just anger him.  He really thought he could lie his way out of of having to pay the money back.  He would look at me and think this house is really his, that it was bought with his money.  The fact that I worked side by side with him for 25 years, and then for 10 more ran his business while he descended into severe alcoholism, means nothing to him. I was there to serve him, not to partner with him.  I’m just so grateful that I got out before he threw it all away and was able to salvage enough to have a nice life for my son and myself.

So I have to leave him alone.  But I’d still like to bring him something, so he’d know we were thinking of him.  He can use that information however he wants, to build his ego or to regret his actions that caused him to lose us.

I got a message from a guy on a dating site this morning.  His profile just made me laugh, it was so obviously a spoof on profiles.  It’s too bad he lives a little too far outside my geographic area, about an hour and a half or so from me.  But God, I hope I actually find someone who has a sense of humor like that.  It would be so much fun.

It seems I mostly get messages from men who live in California, Arizona, Texas….lol.  One this morning from Manitoba Canada, lol.  I live on the east coast, it’s pretty densely populated here.  But most of the profiles I come across are so boring!  Where are all the funny, alive men?  That was the attraction with S, he made me laugh and he was never boring.  If he just could have been honest, geez….

Well time to wrap gifts.  Make cakes. Clean up the kitchen, the house.  My son is working all day, so won’t be home til this evening.  It will be a nice low-key evening and I’m looking forward to it.

Happy Christmas Eve to all.

 

I Can’t Help But Wonder

Posted on by learning to live like water

ethereal cords

I’m home now, with 10 days off.   I wish I could have gone to Florida to see my family but Christmas is the wrong time to fly to Florida.  I’ll go in March for half the price.

I have no big plans for the time.  I think I’ll take my two screen doors and have them re-screened.  Maybe clean up my spare bedroom that I use for storage mainly.  I have to get this house ready to sell in the spring but it at times is just an overwhelming job.  I guess because I’m by myself.

It’s good to have some real downtime, after the chaos of the last couple months.  Emotionally, I want to settle down.  I want off the roller coaster.  Most of the time I think I’m off of it, but sometimes a random thought will send me off. Or a random dream, lol. I don’t want to think about it anymore, I want to move forward.

I haven’t made jewelry in months, and it’s something I love doing.  So, maybe I’ll do some of that.  I’ve been putting all my passion into writing.  It’s really been the way I’ve worked through all the pain that was handed me because I fell in love with a man who is incapable of loving anyone, especially himself.  It made me question myself, to distrust myself.  Made me afraid to put myself out there, because I found myself loving him against the warning signs, despite his own warnings, despite the shoddy way he treated me.

Who was I?  Why did I allow that?

If you believe in past lives, there is a school of thought that we plan out our lives before we are born to experience and learn lessons for the evolution of our souls.  There is a story I heard somewhere, where one soul wanted to reincarnate on the dark side, to learn a lesson only that life could teach him. And he asked his soulmate….not to leave him behind.  To remember who he was, and bring him back from the dark.  In Many Lives, Many Masters, by Dr. Brian Weiss, he talks about groups of people who agree to reincarnate together.  This is for the purpose of helping each other with these lessons, or to work out karmic differences.  His research, and his books, are very convincing.

If you follow this blog, you may know that I have always felt a strong energetic connection to Scott.  I have always seen his soul, and not his personna as a human.  It got me in a lot of trouble!  I was constantly discounting what he did and said and how he treated me, because I felt this connection, that spanned far more than the physical distance between us.  I have always felt I knew him, even before we met.  When we met, on a dating site, he was undergoing chemo.  Instead of saying wow, I’m sorry and going on to the next one, we began to message as friends.  I just felt he was alone, that he had no one.  I had no way of knowing that, how would I?  But it was true.  We just messaged for 2 or 3 months.

I guess this is what made it so hard for me to completely let go, because I still feel like we have history, that doesn’t span much time in this lifetime, but actually spans lifetimes.  I feel like there’s communication going on that I can’t comprehend in human terms, but that brought him into my dreams so vividly that I could smell and hear and feel and taste him.

Scott always claimed to love the darkness.  I loved the light.  We had long discussions about this.  I always told  him….that  a single candle obliterates the darkness.  That the darkness doesn’t rush into the light bulb and make it dark.  Yet, he loves the long days, he pulls all his window shades wide open in the day time to let the light in his house.  I felt he loved the darkness because it allowed him to hide, in this lifetime, in human terms.  But the evidence was there that he loved the light, in his soul.

Yet, when I look at this lifetime, I have to be done with him.  There was no joy in loving him, in the end.  I can love him unconditionally, and only hope that he finds his way.  I can’t bring him out of the darkness that he is comfortable in, it’s a journey he has to undertake by himself, for himself.  Maybe all that has happened in the last few months will redirect him.  I really hope that’s the case.

Still, I feel him, even though I’ve tried cutting the energetic cords.  I know that if cord cutting doesn’t work, it’s said that you aren’t ready to give them up.  I feel like I cut them, it works for awhile, a few days, a week, and then those energetic cords somehow come in and wrap around me, so that suddenly out of the blue, I know that he is stressed, or unhappy, or angry.  It is usually negative emotions I feel from him.  I don’t ever feel that he’s happy.  And then things like the dream…blindsided me.  I was happy, he was not on my mind, I wasn’t feeling anything about him, at all…and he comes into my dream so vividly that I could hear and feel him, and makes me cry.  I could smell him when I woke up, he’d been holding me while I sobbed into  his chest.

I am going to go to the psychic again, and try to get a handle on how to deal with this.  I guess it was healthy that I made it known he isn’t welcome in my dreams, or anywhere.  And that the sadness didn’t carry into my life.  I was only angry that he found a way into my dreams.  But he didn’t make me sad again.  That’s real progress for me.

Just sometimes, I feel like I’d like to stay in touch, in case my soul promised his that I wouldn’t leave him behind, on a level I can’t even understand.  It also would explain a lot about why on a whole different level he couldn’t let go.  In human terms, he loved the adoration from a purely narcissistic view.  But on another level altogether, he was holding on for a completely different reason.

I think I sound a little crazy.  But I think I’ve managed to work out here why I occasionally have to go back and try to figure out what was going on.

I once asked him if he thought we knew each other in a past life.  He said, “Well we won’t know til we leave this life, so why spend time wondering about it?”

But I can’t help it….

 

 

Slept with Gratitude Last Night

Posted on by learning to live like water

Today is the last day of work for 10 days.  Oh how lovely.  Our company does not do a company sponsored Christmas party, so we put on a potluck of our own. I’m bringing pulled pork and cookies.  There are about 20 of us, and there will be so much food!  It’s fun.  We don’t even tell our boss, lol.

It’s going to be warm here for Christmas.  Crazy… in the 60’s.  Unheard of.  More likely and normal to be below freezing.  But I’ll take it, I’m good with it!  Probably going to open my windows tomorrow!

I slept better last night, though I still wake up a lot.  No crazy dreams, nothing at all that I remember.  That’s how it usually is.  When I woke I started thanking the universe for all my blessings, whatever popped into my head.  I also played the CD I play almost every night while I go to sleep.  Its called Environment 1 by Anugama.  It’s music set to the sound of waves crashing. Very peaceful.  And I got back to sleep, every time without a whole lot of effort.

Thank you, Universe.

I suppose tomorrow begins a cooking marathon, lol.  I make a cake every year, a from-scratch angel food cake with fresh raspberries and a raspberry amaretto sauce.  I make one for me, and one as a birthday present for my bff whose birthday was Monday.  I bring it over to her house Christmas Day at some point.  And baked stuffed shrimp for dinner for my son and I.  Christmas I’ll make a ham, since my son wants me to make split pea soup with the leftovers, scalloped potatoes, some kind of veggie.

It’s a quiet Christmas with just he and I but that’s fine.  I wonder if we’ll be together next year, with me moving to Florida and he moving to Colorado.  I may have to fly him to see me at some point over the holidays.  I will miss him so much.  But I’ll have other family there, which will be nice.  And he had a family of friends who will be there, and he’s excited to be starting out on his own.  He’s been transitioning, working full time for a long time now, 4 or 5 years, and making his own car payment, contributing to the household.  I’m very glad that he’s ready to be on his own, but I will miss him so much.

And who knows….maybe there will be someone new in my life.  That would be nice.  I think I’ll be more careful the next time, before I give my heart away.

Life is good this morning.  Happy again.  I really do hope that S finds some peace, but it’s a journey he has to take alone.  Which, though he always said that’s what he wanted, is really not.  I don’t believe anyone really wants to be alone.  I think it’s human nature to want connection.

Peace, everyone.  Love and light.

 

 

Hey You! Get Off Of My Cloud!

Posted on by learning to live like water

 

Sunday night I posted the blog about my amazing, happy day.  It was so great to actually spend a whole day being happy.  I posted it, and went to bed basically.

I woke up an hour later with a start, somewhat alarmed.  My waking thought was, “He’s going to be SOOO mad that I’m happy.  I’ll probably hear from him.”  I know he blames me for his misery, even if he were to own the lies and deceit, he still believes it’s my fault for having to make sure she knew the full extent of what he was doing to her.

He’s miserable, and it’s my fault.  So, as with my ex, if he’s unhappy, I better not be happy.  And that thought woke me, and put me on a little edge.  Thinking I’d get a message from him saying, “Nice that you can be so happy after you ruin my life.”   Or something along those lines.

Then I thought about it.  I have not heard from him since Thursday, November 19, when he called me at work, wanting me to lie to her about our relationship, and he found out I had sent her a letter.  So, I thought, no, he’s not going to initiate a conversation now, 5 weeks later.  He’ll be mad, but he won’t contact me.

Understand, I believe he still reads my blogs.  If for no other reason, for the attention, but I think it has to do with him wondering if Betty and I ever talk, or will talk.  Just to be aware of where I am, what I’m thinking.

So…..I went back to sleep and was fine.  My good mood lasted through yesterday.  Then that dream, where he came to me, it was so real, and made me cry again.  I can’t describe how real this dream, in the beginning and the one I had a month and a half ago, were.  I can still remember hearing that slider door last night, and him coming in the room.

But the point is, I was sure I was going to hear from him about that “happy” blog.  And last night I heard from him, in a way I didn’t expect to, but is consistent with the energetic connection we have.  He showed up in my dream, he visited me in a way in which his presence, energetically, was palpable.

I met a woman about a week ago, who is an onconolgy nurse, but also does reiki, and intuitive healing and energy balancing.  We were talking about this relationship, and some of the issues she has, just sharing and getting feedback, and she said, “You know, this could have been going on for centuries with this guy.”  I have always felt that way, that I knew  him in another life, I have always seen things about him that were just clear as day to me, like his being the child who steered his riverboat into the deep,and it sunk.  We could have a contentious relationship that spans lifetimes.

Well his showing up in my dream really made me angry all day.  But finally tonight, I realized that he doesn’t do it intentionally, I don’t think.  I will make a concerted effort to inform the powers that be, that he’s not welcome in my dreams, or anywhere else around me…..

GET OFF OF MY CLOUD!!!  Lol.

 

Even in My Sleep, Again. Sigh.

Posted on by learning to live like water

Last night was a kind of tough night.  I’m trying to get off of the Ambien to sleep.  I’m not a good sleeper.  I started taking it when I had carpal tunnel last summer because it allowed me to sleep through some of the pain that condition caused at night.  Then that was immediately followed by the break-up with Scott…and I’ve been taking it ever since.  It seems that no matter how tired I am when I go to bed, the minute the light goes off my brain goes into a busy conversation about everything.  Ambien gives me about 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep, which was such a blessing.  But I know it’s not good to be dependent on it, so I’ve been trying to wean myself.

Last night I didn’t take one. I’d been falling asleep on the couch and I felt like there was nothing going on that would keep me up.  But as usual, I had a hard time getting to sleep, but finally did.  Then I woke up every two hours, did a lot of tossing and turning.

And dreaming.  I normally don’t remember my dreams, but of course….this one woke me up.  I dreamed of him again.  He came here, I could hear the slider to my deck open, and at that point I thought I really heard it.  Then he came up to my room, began snuggling, and then asked me again if I would see him while he was with her (I am pretty sure they aren’t together actually, and won’t be). That part was so real, again, like the last time I dreamed of him.  I felt like he was there.  It feels like a visitation of his spirit or soul, not a dream.  But then some weird, real dream stuff.  It was day, and my cat kept getting outside and chased by male cats.  Scott was severely allergic to my cat. But I had to deal with getting the cat back in.   Then we were sitting outside, in a place I don’t recognize, and we were talking, but I was saying no, I can’t do what you want.  He stood up to go, and I buried my head in his chest crying, and he held me.

That’s what woke me up.  (When he came to see me after he first told me about her, he just watched me writhe in pain, and didn’t make a move to even ease the pain he had caused.)  I haven’t cried over him in weeks, maybe two months.  And I’m not sad about it, now that I’m awake. Nor do I have any illusions about who he is or want him in my life.  But I guess that the dream is some indication that I still have some pain buried from the whole thing which I’ll have to deal with.

I still feel like I have a happy life.  He can’t take that away from me.  I’m tired this morning, but I’m ok.  I just wish he’d stop coming to me in my sleep.  It’s only been twice, but it’s two times too many.   The first time I still feel was more than a dream.  When I woke that time I could still feel and taste smell him in my room.  This time wasn’t quite that bad, but more than I want.

It’s a process.  I wonder when I’ll get to the bottom layer of the pain and hurt, and finally be completely free of him.

In the meantime, I will be grateful for all that I have, and that I have a wonderful life of my own.  That will be my focus, as I continue to work him out of my psyche.