My BFF, upon hearing that I now have a snake in the house said “OMG!!! That’s a sign!! There’s a snake in the house and you won’t have any piece till you get him out!!!”
It is rather coincidental don’t you think? And I don’t believe in coincidences. 😏😧😱👀
I’m having a bad day. I made a little peace with S, and an hour later was sobbing because he’s with Betty Boop. I can’t seem to stay with it. I suppose time will heal, or give me distance and perspective, and I’ll still have a friend. But right now, I am continually falling apart.
When he did the prison whore, at least I could call him, talk to him when I was like this. I could hear his voice, I knew it was a one time thing and he had no feeling for her at all. Right now I’m on my own, and I know he is in love with her, and I’m so jealous, I tried so hard to get him to love me. I can hardly stand it.
Anyone who has been through this, please tell me how to accept what your heart just refuses to.
On top of this, my damn cat brought a small garter snake in the house. I screamed, she dropped it, it’s apparently taken up residence under my sectional so I can’t see it, and even if I could I am terrified of it. OMG. Ii have no idea what to do and it’s in my HOUSE.
Then I went to the liquor store to get some wine because I’m out, and it wouldn’t accept my debit card for debit or credit. I called the bank, and all my $ is in there so IDK what is up, but I had to then put the wine and the groceries I bought on a credit card.
Geezus when the day goes bad it goes bad.
I just called my BFF and talked to her. I couldn’t talk to her yesterday, she wasn’t home, I didn’t want to ruin her day, nor could I listen to what she had to say yesterday. But I talked to her today, ready to hear her. She has been telling me for 18 months (the whole relationship) that my relationship with S was unhealthy, that it was not serving me, because we had a hard time from the very beginning. She is so wonderful, she makes me see myself, and see what’s going on with clear eyes. She hates seeing me hurt, and he’s hurt me so many times. She’s so right about so much. She even realized, without me saying it, that I loved him because he made me laugh, and I lived without laughter in my marriage for so many years. Also, that S was non-judgmental, he didn’t make me feel bad about myself. And that again, was the opposite of the man I was married to. These things were so important to me, that I looked past his anger, his lashing out at me, his name calling.
I mean, look at me, even here. Trying to make out like his fucking the prison whore last winter was not so bad…. Geezus. Who the hell am I? Sometimes I don’t know myself.
And I feel so much better, if, for no other reason, that I have such good friends, who will help me, and speak the truth. And do it with love in their heart.
Which, I gotta admit, S had none for me when he told me Friday night. It was all about his happiness, none about my hurt or pain. Until later when he realized how hurt I was, but even then, he wanted me to be happy for him. Which I will never be, but he knows that now. And he knows why, it is not just reasons that self serve me.
My BFF gave me strength, and I think I’ll be ok now, for awhile. And if I get weak, she promised if I call her she will talk me down again.
Blessed. Grateful. For people who have the ability to love without condition.
Confusion and chaos
Beginning to unravel
Into some comprehensible circumstance.
I want my close friend,
Most of all.
What we shared,
He can’t share with her,
she was not a part of it.
He has said this…
that it was ours and our alone.
Nor is she part of the close friendship we share.
He knows my secrets,
I know his.
They are ours to keep.
I will lose something here,
But it was something I had already decided to lose.
Now, I have gained back my close friend,
Now I can still have the laughter,
The conversation,
The connection without pain.
I’m still scared,
At the change.
I’ve never traveled this road before
And I still love him.
But it seems safe, for now.
It is easier on my heart,
For now.
Going to go to the beach tomorrow
And re-find my center.
That where it usually is,
Hovering over the sea,
knowing that I will know where to look for it.
It is easier to contemplate a future that includes him
In some way
than one that doesn’t.
My first tears fell last night. The anger gave way to the cause of it and I broke down sobbing last night. I woke up doing the same this morning. Thank God I have the sleeping pills from my carpal tunnel, they afford me 5 or 6 hours of sleep.
I miss him so much, if I think about it for a second, my heart just squeezes and all that pain just pours down my face, just wracking my body.
This morning, I unblocked him and sent him this pathetic text.
“I miss you so much I can’t breathe. I can’t stop crying. I’m a mess. I tried so hard to love you so well and it didn’t matter even one teeny bit. I unblocked you in case you have a pang of conscience about walking so briskly away from the woman that loved you.”
Because, this ex gf, Betty Boop, I don’t believe she loves him. I believe she needs something from him, and is using his love for her to get it. I don’t think anyone who leaves a 12 year relationship, runs off an marries a man she doesn’t know, and walks out on the marriage 18 months later, has a clue about herself. I don’t know her. I don’t need to know her, her actions tell me who she is.and my intuition.
Maybe S likes being so much smarter than her. Maybe it feeds his ego, to have some sexy dumb woman think he’s smart. It feeds his ego enough that he doesn’t mind being used by her to take care of all her financial needs.
Damn the connection I have with him. If I am right they were together last night, and this morning. I know he’ll go read the text in private, I know he won’t have read any of my blogs until he’s alone. Maybe he’ll stop reading them altogether. After all, I suppose he doesn’t really need to know what I’m thinking now. He’s got her to occupy his mind. Maybe he’s spending all of the long holiday weekend with her. Something he would never do with me.
I need to let go. I forgot how painful this roller coaster is. Last night I was pretty high, I was not caring, until I got home. This morning, I feel like I’m gonna die if I don’t talk to him. I know it would be so much better if I could just cut off communication, but I just can’t, quite yet.
I still know that I’ll be ok. I know I’ll get through this. I know there is someone out there who will love me and what I have to offer. It is just so hard to think of him with her. That’s where I get stuck. I need to do a lot of work around that one thing. I just can’t stand him being with someone else.
He used to tell me that they never talked during the week. Sometimes a quick, “are we on for the weekend” message. I thought that so strange. He and I talked all the time, texting during the day at work, in the evening, sometimes talking on the phone. Seems so strange that he loved someone so much that he never talked to. Just seems…a cold way to have a relationship.
Well, if that’s what he wants, that’s what he wants. I could never want it. I loved our conversations. Intimate, flirty, downright sexual, intellectual, spiritual, debates at times One reason I loved him was his ability to discuss intelligently a huge wide rage of subjects and interject his pretty expansive and varied life experiences to them. I miss his stories. I miss how he made me laugh. I thought he liked it too. I know he liked what I did for him in bed.
And she shows up, and he just takes her back, and tosses me to the side. It’s killing me today. Just killing me. So much rejection, so suddenly.
I just had a glimmer though, a small one. I thought how a week ago, he called me dumb because I misunderstood his two word communications when he was in NJ. How angry it made me. How unnecessary it was for him to talk to me like that. I knew it was because he was in a bad mood from his sisters, and taking it out on me. When I stood up to it, it got worse. He was swearing at me, because I misunderstood him. He had forgotten his phone charger altogether, and was trying to save the battery. He’s always had one in the car, I’m pretty sure, and I just assumed that since he was driving he was able to charge the phone. that he only hadn’t been able to charge it when he was in his sisters house. I told him he was the stupid one for forgetting the charger, and that he was also an asshole for calling me dumb and everything else he called me. And later that evening, when I knew he was home and wasn’t contacting me, I sent him an email, telling him that I missed the man I thought he was, but the one that showed up that day, I didn’t want within 100 miles of me.
So the question I’m asking, that’s given me a little glimmer, is….If he were to decide he didn’t want to be with her, and wanted to be with me, do I really want that back in my life? Because that’s our two week cycle. I still don’t want to that man, that calls me names, and flashes his anger like a weapon, within 100 miles of me. I only want the funny one, the one who makes me laugh, the one who tells great stories, and the one who is so physically passionate, though selfish. I can’t have one without the other. And I really don’t want the other.
That answer makes it easier to deal with the fact that he’s with her right now. Tears have finally stopped. If I remove Betty Boop from the equation, it is all the same. He and I can’t work for more that 2 weeks without a blow up. That book needed to be closed.
God, I have come full circle with this blog.
Writing is so therapeutic. I couldn’t do this if I couldn’t write and work this stuff out. I didn’t expect this to go here, but here I am. My circle may look like the one in the picture, full of twists and turns. It may be convoluted, but I ended up back where I was before Betty Boop showed up.
Just wondering, out loud, how someone does that, and puts his head on the pillow and goes to sleep. How do you rip apart someones heart, and not even check to see if they’re ok. How do you walk away and refuse to be accountable for the damage you have done? How do you just walk away from someone you have talked to, intimately, every day for over 18 months? How do you not give a damn how they feel, if they can sleep or eat or breathe?
I guess I had more words, they were just slow in being born because I’m so tired. I think I’m done for the night now.
Can’t write tonight. Can’t form a coherent though. Maybe I’ve written so much I’m out of words. It’s only temporary.
I’ll be back tomorrow.
I get emails from The Secret, called The Secret Scrolls. I said earlier today, that maybe the universe actually conspired in my behalf, to create an issue so impossible that I had to forget about S, to make way for another better door to open. This is the scroll I got (as well as everyone else who subscribes) today. Sometimes the message is for you, sometimes it’s for others. Today, it was for me. I’m about to go out on the town with friends. Who knows what may happen? 🙂
A Secret Scrolls message from Rhonda Byrne
Creator of The Secret
From The Secret Daily Teachings
This is because when people see a big change appearing they are often fearful that it is something bad. But it is important to remember that when something big changes in our lives, it means something better is coming.
There cannot be a vacuum in the Universe, and so as something moves out, something must come in and replace it. When change comes, relax, have total faith, and know that the change is ALL GOOD.
It was late. The pain was still raw, as if I’d had surgery done on my heart. The anger visceral, because it covered the pain. Demons gnawed at my very sinew, baring their bloody teeth. Some of them churned my stomach, like a hurricane in the middle of my body. My breath, my very breath, was being stolen from me. I could feel the fury coursing through my veins, my eyes and head and heart pounding in an evil dance.
I sat on the edge of the bed.
“I don’t want to get in.” I said, to nobody. “Maybe I’ll go sleep on the couch. Then I won’t think of him. Sleeping with her, never with me again.” Although loathe to sleep in my bed, I knew I had to do put one leg in, then the other. Lay on the pillows that we used to share. I had to be comfortable in my own bed.
But first, I put on a nightgown. So I wouldn’t have visions of him, not next to me naked. Next to her naked. So I wouldn’t feel the luxury of the sheets on my skin. So I could avoid the worst pain.
I sat on the edge of the bed again. I had to know. “Is she sleeping in your bed?” I asked. “No.” I drew out some more anger, to mask the pain.
Sleeping pills and wine… I got a little sleep somehow.
I woke 2 hours later, it was 3 AM. I called him, but he wouldn’t answer. I wanted to know. I needed to know. How long had I been the fool?
I’m still the fool. Because I still let it hurt me. Because I still allow the anger to consume me. Because he’s not worth it, he’s never given me back anything. Yet, I sat there, sit here, empty. Wanting him to fill the void.
I guess I always did, and because he was here with me, I thought some day he would.
There’s always a lesson. Some people can’t. Just can’t, fill an emotional void. Some people run from the emotions. They don’t want to feel. So they numb. Numb with drugs, numb with alcohol, numb with cigarettes, numb with food. Some people numb the present by living in the past, because, you can rewrite your past. You can make a nightmare into a dream. Or a dream into a nightmare. And believe it.
I’m kind of getting it. Having someone who needs you to take care of them, keeps you from having to invest in them emotionally. “See, see what I did for you. How can you question my love for you?” “I gave you a kitchen, I bought you a car. Of course I love you.”
But something made her run, into the arms of another man. Who, of course, she didn’t even know, let alone love. A grown woman? No, an emotional teenager. And now she wants out, and of course, he will take care of it for her. Of course. It will prove that he loves her. Of course, it doesn’t prove that she loves him. It only proves that she needs him. Then when she runs again, after she is free….he can wear his pain like a badge, “All women hurt me. I don’t ever want to love again.”
All women, except me. I didn’t hurt him. But I didn’t want anything either. Except his love. That was it, that was all. The one thing that he gives no one. Not even himself.
But I’ll be gone. I’ll be in the arms and bed of someone who wants me, and doesn’t need to take care of me.
I don’t want to need anyone, nor do I want to be needed. But want, oh what a glorious thing that is, to want someone, and have them want you back. I’ll find him.
Disclaimer: I don’t know for a fact that any of that about her is true. It is my intuitions best guess. Only time will tell.
I was going to do house cleaning anyway, it’s the first day I have been able to since my surgery. But I am going to empty it of any vestige of him, there will be nothing around to remind me of him. Except…you know the furniture. The places we spent time together, the deck, the family room, the bedroom, the kitchen. Those memories will have to just fade away.
I have some white sage smudge sticks. I will set one up in every room we spent time in, and clean the energy. It will help me to forget him. It will help my anger. It will help my hurt. Thank God I have some knowledge of how to deal with energy.
I will ask a friend to send me reiki. She helped me after the prison whore, when I thought I was gonna die. She will help me again this time. I can do self-reiki too.
I can get productive. I can make plans with friends for tonight. Hopefully for tomorrow. and Monday. But I’m gonna get my house spotless, clean out my garage, if my hand can take it. Gonna sit out on the deck and try to get into a deep meditation, on releasing the past. Releasing the pain.
I texted with S a little this morning, I wanted to know how long…he has only talked to her, and for 3 days. But he stopped answering me, I was a bit to caustic I guess. But in the same way I wear my heart on my sleeve, I also wear my anger and my pain. And the truth. He disappeared. I don’t care.
That was cool to write. I DON’T CARE. It just came out of me with real ease. Without any thought. I don’t care.
At least not right now.
I’m so glad my son is gone for the weekend. I’m so glad he will never have to know about this. He hates S for the amount he’s hurt me. Just seriously can’t stand him. My son has seen me get so hurt in his lifetime, he can’t understand why I would continue to see someone who continues to hurt me, and use me for his own benefit. And the kid is right. I’m just glad he’s gone. I won’t ever tell him, S has not been around in weeks, so he will just leave it be and be glad he isn’t around now.
I’m going to be fine.
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