Maybe The Universe Is Working in My Behalf.

Posted on by learning to live like water

This is me this morning.

Thank God for Ambien.  After working almost 40 hours in 4 days, I was exhausted.  But….didn’t consider going to bed until about 1 AM.  I was on the phone with a friend out in Montana for hours, crying on her shoulder, venting my anger, my hurt, my pain. I didn’t want to go lay down in the bed that he would  never join me in again.  I was afraid a torrent of raging tears would start that I couldn’t stop.  Somehow I calmed myself and slept for 4 1/2 hours. I guess due to 2 glasses of wine and an Ambien.  Bad to do together, but it worked for me last night.

I called him back, at midnight, or12:30 and asked him if she was there now.  No, he said.  I didn’t even know why I called him. I said, “You piece of shit.  You fucking piece of shit.”  and hung up.  I don’t know why I did it.  I just had, have so much rage.

II called him twice at 3 AM. He didn’t answer. I wanted to know when this happened, how long has he been seeing her.  I want to know if that’s why I never saw  him all summer, why he couldn’t make any plans ever, why he was always wanting to come here to my house, and never me to his.  I feel like I have a right to know how blind and stupid I’ve been and how big an asshole he is.

He said in his voice mail, “It’s all I ever wanted and you knew that.”  WHAT AN ASSHOLE.  No, I did not know that, when he was sleeping with me, talking to me all day long, having intimate conversations with me, begging me to come see him the Sunday before last.  No I did not know that he still was stuck on the fucking woman who tried to break him and abandoned him and took him for all she could.

Was I too strong for him?  I didn’t need him, but oh I wanted him and he knew that.  I loved being with him.  I put my heart on my sleeve and he fucking chewed it up and spit it out last night.  “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

And you didn’t fucking mean not to.  You meant to use me,and what I so willingly offered,to make yourself feel good.  The way it affected me was none of your business I guess.

But then there’s this.  Last Sunday we had a blow up, I just got sick of him calling me stupid because I couldn’t translate the two word texts he was sending me, and ended up misunderstanding him.  Just sick of it.  The wall went up, and I spent the week, trying to get over him.  Sure I would, I didn’t even miss him til yesterday.  I didn’t even see him as the same man til yesterday.

So, maybe, just maybe, this whole thing, the whole week, has been the universe working in my behalf.  Last Sunday was just preparation for him to tell me this last night.  As angry and hurt as I am, had I not spent the week trying to get over him, and move on by myself, last night would have been even worse, so much worse.

And seeing that, looking at that, I feel better.  I feel maybe the Universe is about to bring me what I want, about to open a door that’s been closed, because I couldn’t close the door on S.  Even though he clearly wasn’t actively participating in our whatever it was relationship.

They psychic back in June told me to stand my ground, that when I close the wrong doors the right ones will open.  She didn’t mention that I would have the door slammed in my face, and feel broken again, but still…the door is now shut for good.  I think it was probably necessary for something like this to happen for me to shut it and seal it shut, never to be reopened.

I’ll get over it.  That much I know.  I am still in shock, but I’ll get past it.  He can be with her, and find some more misery to cry about. He can work til he’s 75 to keep her out of debt, probably will pay for her divorce.  That’s probably why she came back.  She married someone very impulsively, she’s unable to manage her money, and can’t afford a divorce, so she’ll probably mooch the money off of him, and he’ll gladly pay some more so the bitch can continue to hurt him.  Stupid idiot.  Who would want someone back that took them for so much?  Someone who is used to being punished by those he loved.

Well that’s not me.  The people I love are given wings to fly.  Even him, when he told me he needed to go find himself.  figure out what he wanted.  I told him to go do it, that I fully supported it.  And what a bunch of bullshit that turned out to be.  The first chance he had, he dove right into the past.  Setting himself up to spend his life in more pain.  He survived liver cancer.  The liver is where we hold all our anger.  So, do I think they had 12 years of bliss together?  Doubtful.

And his daughter, with whom he’s become close…I’m sure she’ll be very happy.  She hates this woman, who she feels broke up her family. He told me, his daughter wanted nothing to do with her.  The woman was the cause of a rift between he and his kids that lasted years.  Welcome to the past again Scott.  It’s what you always wanted.

Where is the joy?  I know in my head I’m lucky to be out.  As my friend said last night, I’m glad it happened, it needed to happen for you to get away from him.  He’s really a loser.  You deserve so much better.  You make loving you so easy.  And he just couldn’t see it.

I’m better this morning.  I am moving away from all of it.  It’s like a car wreck, and even though I was shaken and bruised, I am basically unscathed.  My soul is intact.  I still know who I am, and where I’m going and what I want, and I know I’ll find it. He loves the car wreck, it’s where he wants to live.  He likes to live close to the edge of the abyss and occasionally see what happens if he falls in.

Once he told me, when talking about being rescued off a sinking fishing boat on Georges Bank or somewhere out in the Atlantic, that he feels the most alive when he’s close to death.  That should have told me everything I need to know about him, shouldn’t it?

Ok, rant for this morning over.  If you made it through this, thank you.  much love.

I Should Stop a Listening to My Music

Posted on by learning to live like water

On my phone when I go to lunch. There is too much to remind me of S.   Songs like Harvest Moon by Neil Young.  Slow dancing in his living room to it. Laying on his shoulder…  I put a lot of Neil on after that. Van Morrison, Someone Like You. Always thought that was about S. 

Also lots of music that brings back the pain, and I don’t want to revisit that either. Silver Spring by Fleetwood Mac, Comfortably Numb by Pink Floyd, Diamonds and Rust by Joan Baez. 

I think I better switch to Pandora.  Less chance of a trigger.  Struggling a little today.  First time all week, probably because it’s a long weekend, and once again  I’m alone. Dammit. I’ll be ok. 

I’m posting this from my phone. Don’t know if the YouTube link will display. 

Not Sure It’s Possible

Posted on by learning to live like water

  I’m not sure of the answer. I’m inclined to say “you don’t”. But I get through each moment that I think of him fondly by remembering the ugly that came with it. I absolutely know that if we got together again, in 2 weeks the ugly would show up, and make me regret it.  So I remain by myself, open to the possibilities. One day at a time.  

Looking for Joy

Posted on by learning to live like water

  

Not a whole lot to say this morning, which is unusual.  Remarkable, some would say.  Just feeling grateful, it’s a cool morning after days of hot weather, Sitting outside watching the sunrise, grateful to be sitting on my deck, to have a deck attached to a house, and a job to go to.  My son is in NYC at a music festival, gone for the weekend, so I have the house to myself.  Going to do a massive cleaning tomorrow, and  hopefully make some plans with someone.

Been thinking a lot about my move to FL next year.  I am already saving listed houses on Zillow, lol.  Think about not having my son around, will love some things about it, hate others.  It’s been just he and I for so long now, we are so close.  I’m sure I will just miss his energy.  I know it’s time for him to fly alone though, so I’m happy he wants to do it.

Looking for some joy today.  I usually find it.

Losing Pain and Gaining Clarity

Posted on by learning to live like water

Image result for clarity

I had a glass of wine again tonight.  Not because I had a headache though.  I was just in the mood. I did work another 10 hour day, well, 9 actually, since I was gone for an hour to physical therapy for my hand.  I’ve been at work from 8:30 til 7 all week, and no closer to catching up, lo.

Difference is, I am not freaked out by it.  I am gonna do what I can do and be content.

I can’t stress how much not having constant pain has changed my attitude.  I am happy, again, like even when I’m working my ass off.  One of the guys at work took one of his grandfather’s old bowling trophies and made me this welcome back gift.

 
Every one laughs when they see it, and I tell them, every time I look at it, I remember that I’m a champion!

But seriously, to be able to sleep through the night, to turn the ignition on in my car with one hand and no pain, and to shift it the same way into drive….  To turn a door knob, drive with 2 hands…  I lived with that pain way too long.  And it was gone the second I came out of the anesthesia.  My muscles are stiff, but loosening up daily.  It’s awesome.

My heart is open, really open, for good things to happen, for good things to come into my life.  I have some adventures waiting, maybe someone to share them with.  Not yet, but the possibilities are endless.  I have no regrets about loving the men, well, there’s only been one man, since I left my marriage.  But I’m free of that pain too, and it’s all good.

Last weekend was the full moon.  Some people get emotional, depressed, by the force the gravity of the moon asserts on our small beings.  It seems that it gave me clarity this month.  Much needed clarity.

Love and light everyone.

Compromise, or Self Accountability?

Posted on by learning to live like water

Damn, I needed a glass of wine tonight.

First a little update. A bought the house. I got 2 or 3 group texts, with pictures…waxing poetic about Santa Fe. He got to Santa Fe on the weekend. Previously he spent less than a week there last winter. And in 3 days, he decided to change his mind completely about his lifestyle, and put a contract on a house, which he couldn’t even have had inspected yet. WTF? I kept thinking something is really wrong with him. Then later today, probably because he had no response from me about the house, I got a private text. I have NO idea how it got through, but he asked if I had the surgery. I deleted it without reading, or even opening, so it would show on is phone as “undelivered”. That really threw me, I mean, how does he get a text through when I have both his numbers blocked, and it’s coming from a blocked number? And made me more concerned about his motivation to do what he’s doing. I mean, that would be severely delusional, if I had anything to do with his decision. But then, I was married to a man who still thinks his 23 year old son could be a professional soccer goalie. People are quite capable of spinning great yarns and believing them. So yeah, that gave me a little headache.

The wine tasted good. I’m only having one glass, even though I’d like more, lol. But it’s a week night, yada yada.

But then.

I was thinking about my relationships with S, and A. Before A’s text. And how I compromised myself, both times. With A…I accepted his love for me, misdirected and perhaps ill motivated as it might have been. I accepted it without loving him back, because he made me feel good. It was a lush feeling, for awhile, to have someone adore me. To hold me, before he left and tell me he loved me “so much”. To hug me and say, “Thank God you came back to me.” I had just gone to say goodbye…he was leaving forever….I didn’t say I was back, he told himself that story. I didn’t disabuse him of that notion. I felt he was leaving, I’d probably not see him again, let him leave happy. Which is probably why I worry about his motivation in buying a house so impulsively. I mean…it’s not my worry really, he’s a grown man, but how can it be a good decision based on so little information.

But I compromised myself with him. I didn’t tell him the truth, at least not all the time. When it got too much, I did. I never told him that I loved him, I never led him on, but I accepted love from someone who I didn’t love back, and that feels wrong. Like I should have been more honest, I shouldn’t have been so self absorbed in enjoying the huge ego boost I got from it. Just feels wrong. Like I used him, even though that wasn’t my intention. I tried to love him but I couldn’t. I knew I could love S, so I went back to S.

I knew I did love S. I adored him. And he broke my heart so many times. Finally I got smart and headed him off at the pass, but not before I cried a river, a fucking ocean, over that man. Wondering what was wrong with me, that he could so easily dismiss me. So the compromise there was, that I allowed myself to love a man, with everything I had, who didn’t love me back. He would tell me he missed me, but he only missed sex. He said once he missed making me laugh. But he also told me he didn’t want to be in love, or a relationship, that he wanted to see other women. So I guess the lauging and the sex wasn’t that big a deal. I gotta give him honesty. He only led me on once.

After he fucked the prison whore, which I have lots of blogs about last winter, as I tried to work through that. He knew I had begun to see A, and just didn’t want someone else to have me. I thought he wanted me. He told me everything, almost, that I ever wanted to hear, he did everything I’d dreamed about. It took me about 30 seconds to cast A aside and be with S.

And then once S knew I was with him, not A….all those things disappeared, never to be seen again. And we went back to our non-relationship status and it hurt more than ever.

Because I compromised myself. I gave myself willingly, because I wanted to love him. And I didn’t care that he didn’t love me. I let myself do that….treated myself like a tramp, like shit, because I wanted to love him. He treated me…ok, unless he was having a bad day, but he never was dishonest with me, except that one time, to keep me from being with A. I shouldn’t have allowed that either.

So here I am, compromised. By two men, on opposite ends of the spectrum. One, I let him love me, and I didn’t, couldn’t, love him back, but let him lavish it on me, just to make myself feel valuable. The other, I loved, with nothing in return. I let myself be used. Used honestly. It was only my fault.

So the question is…..should I be feeling bad about any of this? Am I responsible for the fact that A loved me, unrequited? No more than S is responsible that I loved him, unrequited. We can only control our own emotions. We can only set our own standards for ourselves.

A loved me, (I am not sure that’s even past tense at the moment), but I’m not responsible for his emotions. I never led him on, I just enjoyed his company. Until recently, when he was wanting a bigger camper “in case” I wanted to come see him, and then suddenly a house. And the way his conversation went far more intimate than I was comfortable with.

S…didn’t. I knew it. He’s not responsible for my emotions. I guess I kept thinking that he would love me someday, that some day he’d want me the way I wanted him. But it was my stupid dream, his was to be free. Over time, I began to detach. We saw each other rarely, we talked a lot, but there was nothing growing there, except separation. I accepted that over the summer, and little by little let the dream go. When he lost his temper with me over nothing this past weekend, it was not hard at all to close the book, and decide not to turn the page. I hadn’t seen him in a month. While I thought I missed him, I was actually in the process of detaching. This was the first time it has not hurt. Maybe there are no tears left to cry, but at any rate, I’m not and that’s a good thing.

(Let me just note here, that I have not been blogging about S and I for some time now.  The things in this blog are all things I have published before, so I don’t feel like I am breaking any trust by talking about them.  I cannot write this blog without mentioning them.  I am not going into any detail about why I closed the book on that relationship, now or ever.  If I did, I would be breaking the trust.)

Going forward….I don’t want to compromise. I will choose, yes choose, to love only someone who is capable of loving me back. I will not stay with someone just because he loves me. I will have balance, or be alone. It’s only myself that I have to not let down. No one else. Maybe I’ll be alone, but that would be preferable to not liking the person I have become. I’m alone right now, and you know what? It feels fine.

Just a Sad Life

Posted on by learning to live like water

My ex.  Where to start.  Sheesh.

His home, my old home of 30 years, that he fought so diligently to keep me from ever feeling ownership of, or having any legal right to, was foreclosed on.  The process took about 2 years, he fought it with all he could and I’m sure with a lot of imaginary stories that the court, and the bank, had to investigate to find the truth.  At any rate, it was finally sold last spring.  He told the new owners he’d be out in 60 days.  He is still there.

One of my best friends works with the new owner’s son-in-law.  They apparently had a court date, to get a court order to remove him from the house on Monday.  I told my riends I doubted he would show (having experienced way too many court dates with my ex..).

While I was at the dr on Monday having my bandage on my hand removed, my ex called my son. I assumed since son got that call that ex was not in court.  But, as it turned out he was there, and calling my son from there.   My son does not take his calls, lets them all go to voice mail.  In this voice mail, he asked my son why doesn’t he try out for the professional soccer team that’s coming to Hartford.

My son was looking at me, like, “WHAT is the matter with him Mom?”  I think he said that too.  I mean, my son played soccer for a year when he quit hockey, for fun.  When he was 17-18.  He is now 23.  Has not played in 5 years, and was never anything but a recreational soccer player.

Apparently my ex has not been able to give up the dream that our son would be a professional athlete.  Geezus.  Talk about delusional.

But what bothered me even more is that this was what he was thinking about at court, where he was about to get booted out of his home.  I am pretty sure he has made no effort to find a place to live, that he’s done nothing to clean out the place, even though the buyers got a dumpster for him and offered to help him.  He still has cars there, and all his stuff.  And now he has 2 weeks, 14 days, to move out or the sherriff will come and remove him.

They buyers have said that once he goes my son and I can go and take anything that’s left in the house, but we have also heard that the town will come and clean the house out.  Which seems ludicrous to me, that the town would spend money cleaning out the house, I hope that is not true.  But I’ve emailed my attorney to find out the truth.  I might call the police department too, and ask them.

Not that the point of this is what can I get from there.  I want my father’s shotgun, it’s an antique, and it’s one of the few things I had from him.  I had given it to my son, but it was left there when my son walked away from his father.  My son wants his hockey stuff, jerseys, trophies, pictures, memorabilia, etc.  There are things there of value, remnants of the time years ago we were making good money.  I would hate to see them lost.

I can’t call my ex.  I feel sure he wouldn’t even take my call, and that even if he did, he would never tell me the truth, but make up some delusional story that he is actually probably believing.

It is so sad.  The whole thing is so sad.  I am so glad that I got away, and my son and I are not part of this, that I was able to salvage what I could.

In the divorce, my ex got the house, the business, (which is in receivership, a solution to the foreclosure it was in), our boat, and as much money as I was given, if not more.  And this is where he’s at, 4 years after the Supreme Court upheld the judge’s decision to not enforce the post nuptial agreement my ex forced on me in a grandiose effort at power and control all during our marriage.  He had everything, and now is losing everything.

Most importantly, his mind, he has lost his mind.  He went from an aggressive, smart man with every advantage to a total mess.  I told him years ago, when he appealed the decision, that he would end up homeless if he stayed on this path.  When I was married to him, I warned him he would die, old and sick and all alone because  he pushed away everyone that loved him.

I’m a little sad for him this morning, I think I will do the Ho’oponopono for him today.  It can’t hurt.  It will  help me to feel like I’m doing what I can energetically.  I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you.  Over and over.

It’s up to the universe now.  He’s getting what he thought about, though he wanted it to happen to me, not him.

Just sad…..

What Is Going On With A?

Posted on by learning to live like water

Some of you may remember A, the guy I dated after S did the prison whore, and then on and off as S and I went through our 2 week on-off cycles. A had a plan to sell his 3800 sq. ft. home and live with his 44 yr old son out of a camper. Which he did.  Put about 30,000 miles on his truck in 6 months. Finally, I realized that #1, I would never want an intimate long distance relationship, #2, that I was not really attracted to A in any kind of long term intimate way, #3, that the continuing communication wit him, mostly via text, was a distraction to me figuring out what I really wanted.

I communicated this to A, and he responded by trying to change my mind.  Just before this, he had been talking about buying a bigger motor home (the one he had was tiny, 150 sq. ft.) “in case you want to visit me” was his first reason.  I didn’t respond to that.  Because, it’s just not an idea I could wrap my mind around, and assumed there were other reasons, like even for his son and him there was no privacy in the small one.  I had seen it, it wasn’t really pleasant in any way.  He said that about the time he asked me if I’d have time to visit him next summer.

In talking to me after my communication, he told me that he would never get remarried (he is a widow of just over a year), which is fine with me because marriage is not an idea I ever want to visit again.  He also told me he planned to be homeless and live out of the camper/motor home for a couple of years because he was enjoying their travels so much.  He said he had wanderlust enough to last a long time.  When he left CT he had a plan to be in Santa Fe by this fall, then go back to his brother’s ranch in TX, then decide where they might want to stay for next spring/summer, but he loved Santa Fe the best, it was his first choice.

Now, I think it is fine for someone to follow their dream, or their bliss, it is, in fact, what anyone, everyone, should do.  However, I would not have any interest in visiting him (or anyone) for any length of time in a camper/motor home.  It’s just not my thing.  I told him I was a home body, just talking in general, that I would always want to have a home base.  (To be clear, I could stay on a boat for 2 weeks, a nice, good sized boat, but then that’s my thing.  Not camping.)  So, I was happy for him, I knew I would never want to be a part of that and he didn’t seem to be asking me, until he started with the visiting thing, and the needing a bigger camper/motor home in case you want to see me thing.

So, for all these reasons, I decided to just block him.  Then I wouldn’t get texts I felt compelled to answer, and if he just stopped hearing from me, hopefully he would move on, and let go.  It felt like a clean, necessary break to me.

For some reason, even though I have blocked all  his numbers, and everyone on his group text list, I still get his group texts.  I cannot stop them.

So a week after I just stopped the communication, I got a picture of his new, much larger, camper/motor home. This is about a week after he said the thing about needing one in case I came to visit him.  I immediately thought, “Damn, I hope he didn’t buy that thinking I would come to see him.”  But I thought, that would be crazy…no one would do that, would they?  No…I hope not.

Today, I got a group text with pictures of a house, and the scenery around it, in Santa Fe.  With the message “going to make an offer on this house tomorrow.”  WHAAAAA?  This is a guy who not more than 3 weeks ago insisted he didn’t want to own a home, wanted to continue to roam the countryside, seeing new sites, visiting new place, meeting new people, and was quite content to be “homeless.”  A couple weeks later he’s buying a house.  And he JUST got to Santa Fe about 3 days ago.

Again, I thought…I hope this has nothing to do with me.

I’m probably just paranoid.  He has not tried to reach me that I know of.  Of course, being blocked, I don’t get any texts, which was our main way of communication.  But there are no blocked call voice mails, and no emails.  It’s just that he was the kind of guy who got into me so much that all my interests became his.  Except the camping thing, which he and his son planned long before he knew me.  But the music I loved became what he listened to, my spiritual journey started to become his.  If I was going to Sam’s club he wanted to come with me.  Or anywhere.  ….idk.  That was something I didn’t really like.  At first, I found his attention flattering.  Then…it became too much.  We didn’t go out that long, only a few weeks, maybe a month.  He pushed it along way too fast.  When we first met I was broken, and bruised by S and the prison whore, it felt good to have someone who adored me, and made me his world.  But I realized that was totally selfish, and that I just didn’t feel the same, and found it easy to tell him I was going to try again with S.  That was 6 months ago.  Then I saw him a little bit before he left, when S and I were constantly breaking up. I just fear that A hasn’t really let go of some story he made up.

Anyway, when I got the text, I deleted it, as I do all his texts.  I hope he decided to buy a home because he wanted one, not because he suddenly thought I might come visit him if he had a home.  It just was so sudden, as was his purchase of a much bigger camper/motor home.  Didn’t seem particularly thought out…planned out…and was the opposite of his intention just weeks ago.

I sure wish I’d stop getting his group texts.  I’m looking forward to the day when I’ve shed past entanglements and made room for something new to come in the door.