I’ve always called coincidences coinsigndences, because I don’t believe in coincidences, and have found most of them to be a sign of something. It’s a word that I borrow from an old friend of mine. Some of them I can read in advance now, like getting all of S’s energy last week, and knowing it meant I would hear from him.

In my last blog I mentioned that I thought it might be nice to call my ex and let him know how well my son was doing. I said that first I would talk to my son, because it’s his news. He called me this morning and said, sure, he didn’t care if I told his dad. He didn’t want to talk to him, but was ok with me telling him.

I still did not decide. It takes a lot to deal with his father in a conversation and I have to be ready for it, to be silent with his “alternative facts” and just let him believe them, because to do otherwise will just end in an argument. I am not up for that scene with him. But still, it might me a kind thing for me to do, to get him up to date on our son.

I talked to both my sisters about my younger sisters upcoming visit, and to

my bff in CT just to catch up, and then went to Walmart to get a few things for my sister’s visit. While I was there, the dogs started barking on my phone. That’s my ex’s ringer. I chose not to take the call in Walmart, since there were like 1000 people in there, getting ready for Superbowl. I let it go to voice mail. He asked me to call him, and told me he was really tired, he’d been working on his truck and didn’t know how he was gonna work out of that mess…Then said he just figured he’d call me because he said he would.

This is what I mean by alternative facts. I have not talked to him in over 4 months. He did not say he was going to call me, because he hasn’t talked to me to say that. This is the kind of stuff I have to sift through when I talk to him. A lot of bullshit, made up “alternative facts” which he absolutely believes to be true because he said it. (Told you he was a lot like tRump.)

Oh and the truck part. That was to let me know how broke he is, what terrible shape he is in. And you know, I’m supposed to feel guilty because I did not squander my portion of our estate. But he still thinks the entire estate was his, and I shouldn’t have gotten anything. Alternative facts.

When I got in the car to come home, I called him, but there was no answer. I left him a voice mail. Told him it was weird how I’d planned to call him today, and he called me. Told him I’d be around the rest of the day, to call me back. I don’t normally have a connection with him, on any level. But apparently there is something going on, or I would not have thought of calling him on the day he chose to call me, after not communicating since my son and I were in Colorado in the beginning of September.

It’s good to be aware that it’s a sign of something. It gives me a better read, allows me to stand back a little further when I do talk to him and observe more.

Last weekend it was S haunting me. This weekend my ex. My ex doesn’t really upset me, because I’ve never told him to leave me alone. Never asked him to please not contact me. S, yes, that made me mad, since I quite clearly had told him to leave me alone.

I’ll have to wait til I talk to my ex to find out what the coinsigndence is about this time. Maybe has something to do with the sale of my slip. His name was apparently never taken off the deed for it after the divorce was final, which was a bad oversight on the part of my atty. He probably wants some financial compensation for signing off on it. Because he’s so broke, and pathetic, lol, which was what the segue of the problems trying to fix his truck was about.

Ugh. Onward. Time to take a walk maybe. Love and light, all.Coin

Sleep came hard last night. I think it was mostly the antibiotics for my gum infection wreaking havoc on my digestive system. I finally figured it out and took a couple probiotics which seemed to solve the problem. Why I haven’t been taking them from the start, I don’t know. I know better. Anyway it was maybe 3 AM before I fell sound asleep. Woke at 8 AM.

I woke thinking about how well my son is doing at his job. He has no collegedegree, but the mobile phone company he works for is moving him to his own store and promoting him from assistant manager to manager, with a sizeable raise. Then he sent me a screen shot of the company’s national sales for yesterday, he was 2^nd in the nation. He is regularly in the top 10.

And, he has his first gig to DJ his own music at a venue in Denver tomorrow night! He will be opening for someone else, that he really likes. He won’t get paid, but he will get really good exposure. So excited for him. I told him someone better video it and put it on FB.

Then, I thought, I wonder if I should call his dad and tell him how well he’s doing. It would probably give him a lift in the middle of a cold winter. But really…it’s not my news to tell. I will ask my son when I talk to him today if it’s ok. Sometimes I just feel sorry for my ex. Although, if he wanted to know how his son was doing he could just call me, and hasn’t since I’ve been in FL. I should probably just leave it alone.

It’s just that when your kid does really well you want to share it with someone who cares as much as you, which in a normal circumstance would be his father. But I can’t say his dad does, he makes stuff up about why son won’t talk to him, he has created “alternative facts” about it. And, it often just makes him mad that he has to find out about his son through me.

Still, I think he’d like to know. Then he could brag to people about him, and act like he is part of his life. Although….no one really talks to him except his sister occasionally and one of his cousins.

I’ll ponder it today. And talk to my son. My intuition is telling me it would be a nice thing to do. Then I remember that he’s not a nice person, and I am torn. It’s really my son’s call. It’s his news.

I have a lot to get done today, in preparation for my little sister to come on Tuesday. So excited about that. It will be SO much fun for the three of us to spend time together. So often when we are together it is a family reunion or something, where everyone is there, all the kids etc, and not generally for more than a few days. There are usually so many people to catch up with. But this is just us 3 sisters, for a week. For the first time in many years.

I’ve been out for 3 nights in a row. Open mic on Thursday, artwalk on Friday, and last night an art show for a school. Thing is, the last two things I really didn’t want to go to but had committed. Friday it was a friend’s birthday too, so we celebrated by buying him a pizza. I’m really feeling the need for solitude lately. Just putzing around my house, taking walks alone. I don’t know if it’s all the noise politically that I’m trying to get away from, or what. But just being alone, with my music, is really what I want. And then to just spend the week with family. I think I’ll get re-grounded.

Daily ruminations. I write, therefore I am, LOL.

Love and light, all.

I took a walk down by the water today. There were lots and lots of people. Tourists. Beach volleyball enthusiasts were enjoying a big tournament.  But in the other direction, things were quieter. Low tide and beautiful seabirds. Such a lovely place to walk. 
Low tide. Pelican on a buoy. Peaceful. 

Beautiful gray heron sitting on the rail on the fishing pier. Closest I’ve ever gotten to one. They are usually very skittish, and generally love their solitude.  

Love and light everyone. 

For almost 2 weeks I’ve been able to sleep without a sleep aid. I mean sleep well, 8 hours, waking up only once or twice and being able to get right back to sleep. It’s amazing.

Why the sudden change? A lot of reasons I suppose. I removed the drama from my life. That was usually the main thing on my mind when I’d wake up and be unable to get back to sleep for hours. All the questions about what was going on, why things were the way they were. Stupid. Absolutely unnecessary.

And then, retirement. I believe I’ve finally adjusted to the fact that I’m retired. My psyche has calmed down. No big responsibilities. No boss to report to. Knowing my day, each day is my own. To a certain extent, lol. Like today, my handyman said he was coming at 8 am to finish my dryer vent and a few other things. So, ok I had to be dressed by 8, lol. He’s in the attic as I write this and I’m sipping my 2^nd cup of coffee.

I often, often wonder how I managed to do what I used to do. Work a good 45 hours each week. Take care of a big house. Go out with my friends on a regular basis (though not like I do now, lol). But still… Now if I have a dr appointment during the day that’s my only commitment, lol. I’ve finally scheduled an eye exam that the dr has been telling me to do for 3 years. It’s supposed to be annual when you’re diabetic. Now it’s covered by my insurance, so I’ll go. I’m glad I made a dentist appointment for last week, or I’d be dying from the infection in my gum right now. It was bad last night, but is better this morning. I’ll schedule the oral surgery for after my younger sis leaves next week.

I have committed to taking care of myself better. I’m walking a mile or two at least 4 times a week. Not drinking (or other things) much. Committed to doing the things I’m passionate about. Writing, creating. And still finishing up getting this house the way I want it.

Sleep is a wonderful thing. I had forgotten what it was like, really, to feel rested each morning when I wake up. Even tRump isn’t keeping me up, though he did give me nightmares. There are probably more of those to come.

It’s like Elizabeth Gilbert said in the physics of the quest, the truth is not being withheld from me.   So I can finally sleep.

Love and light, everyone.

Just a quick check-in before bed tonight. I was out most of the evening at the artwalk in town, celebrating a friend’s birthday. It was such a nice night. Didn’t even need a jacket.

Then I came home to find out that a judge stayed the immigration/refugee order, and that all people with valid visas can now board planes for the US. WE WON! Amazing……Such good news. Such a good way to end a week that’s been just full of chaos and bad news. I’ll go to bed happy.

Don’t give up hope…..Love and light.

Such a nice night at the open mic night. It was warm, and many good friends, and laughter, oh, the laughter. The music was wonderful. My close friend that I always sit with was back this week, he wasn’t there last week. We caught up, I told him how crazy and upset I had gotten over what was going on in this country. I told him why I get so triggered by it. He is such a good friend. He listens intently to me, he asks me questions, he admonishes me to not let it ruin my outlook on the world. I am so grateful for his presence in my life. To be treated that way, by a man, is such a gift.

He sang early. He always sings old ballads, like Unforgettable, that kind of song. He has this rich velvet voice, perfect for the songs he sings. Tonight, and probably from now on, there were lots of newcomers, snowbirds. Tourists, who are having dinner there, and watch the show. When my friend sang, not a soul was talking. Everyone was listening to him, it was so amazing. I was so happy for him. He came back to the table after and I took his hand and told him he was fabulous. (As did everyone else.)

I sat with a woman I have sat with before, but tonight I found out she’s as passionate as me about what’s going on. She’s an actress, taught acting for many many years. Now considers herself a sculptor. But so interesting. Anyway, we promised each other if we hear of a protest we will contact the other and we’ll go.

My two friends that I go regularly to the open mic night with came over to my house after it was over, and we talked for about a half hour, unwinding. I shared my chocolate, lol.

Feel so blessed to have found a home here, to live here, to have started making a life here that is so rich and full. I have felt such a darkness cast over us all since last weekend and the outrageous acts of our government, but tonight I remembered that the world is still a beautiful place.

Love and light…

I just went for an initial visit to my dentist here in FL. They just did x-rays and checked them. They found that when I had a wisdom tooth extracted about 5 years ago, a piece of tooth or root was left in my gum. And now has an infection. Which means, I now have to go back to an oral surgeon and pay to have my gum cut open again and the piece of whatever it is removed.

I am not happy about this. I hated the dr who removed that tooth in the first place. He was accepted by my insurance at the time, so I used him, but I disliked him from the beginning. I remember calling him days after the tooth was extracted and asking him why it still hurt so much. He told me I burned the socket using mouthwash. I used mouthwash after I threw up the damn Vicodin. Once. Because I didn’t take anymore Vicodin, lol. But that gum has hurt periodically since it was done. Now I know why. And now I have to go back and go through having my gum cut open again, to remedy his shoddy work. I am pissed off. But first I have to take a round of antibiotics. And I don’t know how much of that my insurance will pay, although I have considerably better insurance than I used to. I’m getting a crown done for $800, vs the $1450 it cost up north. But still….

I was in the dentists office, waiting as we do. Reading FB, WP, etc on my phone. The dentist and his hygienist are both immigrants with thick accents. Lovely people, really. Nice communication, very thorough. And as I waited and read, I thought, how terrified these people must be.

God it’s hard not to hate. I walked around for so many years in fear that I would unwittingly unleash a barrage at myself from my ex. It could have been over anything….. Talk about walking on eggshells. And this is what Cheetoman wants us to do. Live in fear of him, of his actions, his words. His hostility, his anger, his unpredictability. God, look what the man did to the Australian PM yesterday. One of our best and closest allies.

Tonight is open mic night, and I can’t wait. It will be good to sit and relax and be with like-minded people. I’ve not had a glass of wine all week, but I might tonight. I haven’t wanted to be in an altered state in any way lately, I guess because there is too much happening and I need to keep my head about me. So I may not tonight either. Might be a good night for herbal tea.

At any rate, my neck and back are not acting up today, which to me, means I’ve made some peace within myself as to how to proceed emotionally. I hope someone makes me laugh, really laugh tonight. I need that. I miss it in my life. It’s all been too serious lately. Too too too deadly serious.

I already took my walk today down by the water. I was pleased that when I went into the dentists office, the young dental assistant said, upon finding out I am retired, “You seem to keep yourself in pretty good shape.” !!! Nice coming from a young man maybe my son’s age! At least it gave me something to smile about. Oh, and three people complimented me on my pendant I was wearing, one of my wire wrapped creations. Now if someone would just make me laugh. Just to stop being so serious for a few minutes.

Onward we go. Love and light, everyone.

I think I have taken sufficient time to regroup. I think I have figured out how to take an active role in the good good fight, while staying sane.

This morning I went back on FB, and some news agencies, to get caught up with what’s been happening while I took my hiatus.

The first thing I read is that Trump wants to revamp and rename the program designed to counter terrorism from “Countering Violent Extremism,” or CVE, would be changed to “Countering Islamic Extremism” or “Countering Radical Islamic Extremism. Singling out only Islamic terrorists. So if you are a white Christian terrorist I guess you get a pass.

The next thing I read is that the Senate committees pushed through nominations of tRumps to the floor of the senate, by suspending all their rules. Which to me is scarier than the first thing I read. They are following Cheetoman’s example. If he doesn’t have to obey the law and/or the rules, apparently they don’t either. After all, leadership comes from above.

Let me say that it is now my firm belief that what is going on in Washington is a coup. By definition. I’m not being alarmist. The blatant disregard that we are seeing of the laws, the constitution, and human decency most of all, scream it from the rafters.

The next thing I read was how tRumps immigration and refugee ban is most hurting children and women. It’s an article in the Nytimes, https://www.nytimes.com/2017/01/31/world/middleeast/trump-immigration-ban-children.html?smid=fb-nytimes&smtyp=cur

Then I saw things that gave me hope……

In Victoria Texas, where the mosque was burned. I’m sure caused in no small part because of tRumps hateful immigration ban against Muslims. They have raised in less than a week $900,000 on their Gofundme page to rebuild. But even more heartening is the fact that the leaders of the Jewish synagogue there gave the keys to the synagogue to the Muslim leaders and told them they can use the synagogue until their mosque is rebuilt.

Love trumps hate.

Then I read that more than 800 Christian leaders, prior to a National Prayer Breakfast, denounced tRumps hypocracy. “A conscience that is not awake to suffering and fails to respond is walled off from the love of God.” tRump and his damn walls.

Love trumps hate.

I read that the Council on American-Islamic Relations filed a federal lawsuit challenging the constitutionality of the immigration order In Tampa on behalf of Florida residents who are affected by it.

Accountability.

I have decided that for each thing these despots, these haters, these narcissistic power mongers do, we need to react with love toward the same people they are trying to hurt. We have to fight the good fight every day, but do it with love in our hearts. I’m not saying anger isn’t justified at what they are doing. I’m just saying, don’t live there. Let the anger motivate us to do good, to wipe out the desolation in some even small way. Let it make us kind to everyone you meet. Let it cause us to do good in the world. Not cause us hate. Not to make us like them.

When I was going through my contentious, long divorce, I was constantly angry, and had to find a way to channel the anger to be productive, to a positive ending for me and my son. The one saying I will always remember that helped me get through was “Holding on to hate and anger is like taking poison and thinking the other guy is gonna die.” It was a hard time for me. I didn’t see daylight for a few years, but slowly the tables began to turn on my own personal despot. Love triumphed in the end. The battle was long and tedious, but I didn’t give up, I refused to hold onto the hate and anger.

The lessons were not lost on me. I will take time each day to care for myself, with my meditation practice, taking a walk, reading the work of people who are wiser and more loving than me, eating right, sleeping well. I will revel in the sheer beauty of another dawn, or sunset, of a sea breeze on my face, of the love of friends and family.

And then, I’ll get back to the good fight. I will fight the good fight, and live to see another beautiful day. Light trumps dark, every time. And love trumps hate, every time.

Love and light to all.