Tag Archives: acceptance

Who Will Walk Through The Fire With Me?

Posted on by learning to live like water

I went to a friends house for dinner and a bottle of wine.  We were gonna go out but changed our minds.  It was really nice to just sit with two people who love each other, and love me, as a close close friend.  My friend and I went off to gab girl talk.  She’s a psychiatric nurse,and had some insight on my week’s struggles.  We are close, been friends for years.  Our kids met in the 5th grade, about 15 years ago, we have been friends since.  She’s one of the members of my book club.

We somehow got onto sexuality, probably in discussing my recently ended relationship.  I told her I dived into sex too early, with S, and it was nice to have someone I could consider a partner in it.  So, it was part of the attachment problem for me, because they go hand in hand for me, sex and attachment.  I guess S enjoyed it…he told me a few times it was the best he ever had.   And trust me, he had had many sexual partners. He did tell me I was overconfident, lol, but was laughing when he said it.  So…my friend wanted to know what I did to make it the best, lol.  I said, I loved him.  But that wasn’t what she meant, she loves her husband very much and they are best friends.  She would just like  him  to feel that way, like it was the best.  I was able to talk to her, about being with S, without pain.

So I am good tonight.  I know I won’t get blindsided by my past tonight.  I can’t imagine it would be important enough for S to make a trip up here, to convince me he didn’t do anything wrong, so I am pretty sure I’m in the clear. It’s nice to feel good, in control of my life, and not scattered, not 1000 threads of my life scattered in different directions, trying to grasp something to hold onto.

I’ve been reading Rising Strong, by Brene Brown.  It’s about being able to get up, strongly, when you are knocked out for the count by someone.  Because as she says, if you’re gonna be vulnerable, which is a strength, because it’s the birthplace of creativity, joy, love, and worthiness, and belonging, then you are gonna get knocked down.  And it’s all about our ability to rise from the floor, strong.

She teaches looking at a problem in 3 acts…the definition of the issue, the action in which the issue is addressed, and the final resolution, where all things come together, to make you stronger, smarter, and learn a lesson. She says we forget the second act.  We want to brush over our struggles, our battles to work ourselves out of pain, heartache, anger., whatever the emotion is that you are struggling with.  But really that struggle is where it’s at.  That’s where we learn, where we become strong.

So, I am slugging it out with heartache, the second act, but tonight I’m winning.  I am seeing clearly here.  I am not a pile of mush, I am actually happy tonight.  I had dinner with people I love and who love me.  I had texted with my dear friend A.  My girlfriend asked me if I am not leading him on, but no.  A is a good good friend.  I can tell him everything and anything.  He knows exactly how I felt about S.  We have talked about our own chemistry, our own relationship, nothing held back. There are no secrets.  We flirt on occasionally, in the morning, when I’m getting ready for work and we are texting.  He tells me he loves me, still.  I have said it to him.  Because he’s willing to walk through the fire with me, to make sure I’m not alone.  How could I not love him?  I am really blessed.

I see, now, that S would never walk through the fire with me, or for me.  He would have not even held out his hand to me.  It’s whatever, I don’t care tonight. The passion I have had for him is waning. I’m grateful there are people in my life that would walk through the fire with me, for me.  I would have done it for S, I would do it for A.  And my family of friends here.

There is no reason to be morose.  My life is rich and full, and I am blessed.

PHEW!!!

Posted on by learning to live like water

As the morning wears on, I am asking myself why I am even grieving the loss of this relationship?  I mean, seriously?  This man in unscrupulous, he told me he was bad, but by all that is holy, I never believed anyone could do this to anyone else.  It’s monstrous.  What is there to grieve?  Betty Boop did me a HUGE favor, showing up on the scene, needing to use him for something else.  HUGE.

Thank you Betty Boop.

For two days of pain, I will save a lifetime of any more pain from this man.  There will be no more chances to “take another little piece of my heart, now baby.”  Imagine if this had gone on, if she had wanted to stay married to her “revenge” husband, and he had visited me in Florida?  What terror might he have visited on me then?  And between now and then?

Why would any sane person want anything to do with this guy?  You’d have to be as sociopathic as him, and I have no doubt she is, with her history.  She played him one up, she used him better than he used her.  Two complete losers in my book.

God, I got off easy.  With only a little loss of my dignity, and self esteem.  Thank God, he wanted to be on his own this summer, and didn’t use the summer to suck me in deeper.  Thank God.  Everything happens for a reason, doesn’t it?

I am disgusted with myself (but I’ll get over it) for ever giving him the time of day, for ever lavishing the love on him that I did.  For ever thinking he was capable of being a decent human being.  But you know…all I did was love him.  I did nothing evil, or mean, or hurtful to him.

Although, I’m sure when he reads this, he will say I’m crucifying him.  Because he only sees what he feels, he is incapable of seeing what another feels, or of seeing and being accountable for the damage he does to innocent people.

Maybe if I’m lucky, he’ll get angry enough at me to stop reading my blog.  I wish he would.  Go on about his business with Betty Boop, I’m sure there is an urgent need for him there.  A new car, a divorce that needs paying for.  Of course, first she’ll have to schmooze him, but I give her credit, on being able to do what she did on his birthday in January of last year when he was diagnosed with cancer, after she got a new kitchen out of him.  Well played Betty Boop.  I’m sure he deserved it.  And he’s right back in for more.  You sure are good at it, girl.

When clarity comes, it comes like a hurricane force wind.   So happy to be free.

PHEW!!!!

Releasing

Posted on by learning to live like water

release-the-past-let-it-go

I managed to get through a 10 minute meditation this morning.  It was on releasing the past.  It reminded me to frame the past in such a way that I understand that what was done to me, was done from the level of consciousness that S was at when he did it.  It wasn’t done purposefully to hurt me, he is just unconscious of how his actions hurt, devastate people.  Because he fears vulnerability so much, and keeps so many walls around himself, he cannot possibly understand what it is like to have no walls up.

I always believed he had a higher level of consciousness, though I don’t know why I thought that.  Maybe because he is smart, it seemed something he would know.  He could discuss almost anything, intelligently.  I guess, the ability to speak about it, and have academic understanding, is a long ways from feeling it, and knowing it, and living from that level in your heart.

I was able to maybe release just a teeny bit of it.  There is still so much hurt, that if I think about it, I just fall apart.  Someone who is so smart, should be wise enough, compassionate enough not to willfully hurt someone who loves him.  Or so I thought.  But his level of consciousness is so wrapped up in his ego…I know it’s hard for him to even see me.

But I see him.  I wish I didn’t, but I always have, I always will.

Dealing With It

Posted on by learning to live like water

So…this morning, after I had cried an inordinate amount of time, I got on FB and chatted with my best friend. The one who told me not to talk about him to her, because she knew he was only going to continue to hurt me. I told her….she felt bad for me. When it comes to our friendship, nothing can really hurt us. When she loves you, she loves you, she’s like me with that, and it’s why we are so close. I thank God that I have people in my life like her. She has always made me feel like family, literally, invites me to every holiday and family gathering of her large boisterous fun clan. They are all used to me, lol. Because I have no family here, it has been a godsend for me.

Then I talked to A, who I totally blew off yesterday, in my pain. A also loves me, like my friend. Unconditionally. I told him in pieces what happened. I have been chatting with him on and off, and today he is such a blessing to me. He lets me know that there are men who can love and be loved unconditionally. He told me again today, that he loves me, but we are purely friends now, because he has chosen to live in the Southwest, and me here and Florida, and nothing else would work. He is so angry that this happened to me, he is as angry as my son. They know it was me who was stupid enough to buy into what S was selling, but still….A has called him a prick. I told him don’t waste your energy hating S, he’s his own worst enemy.

It was A who really has talked me down. He could be mean and bitter, and not talk to me, I have so screwed him over for S. But he isn’t. He loves me so much, he makes me feel good about myself. He thinks I’m beautiful. He thinks I’m funny. He knows I’m flawed, and he just told me he loves my flaws. And we are just friends. We were intimate, once, now we are just friends. He is seeing someone in his new home, and I am happy for him. He said, she knows about you….I said, because you are an honest and loving man.

How different from a man who would blindside me, inflicting as much pain as possible.

Dark vs light. Night vs. Day. Ego vs. spirit. We all choose. Make no mistake, S, you chose to be who you are.

I have been talking to a friend from here on WhatsApp. She and I have similar issues, she has been so helpful. My ex’s cousin, who is a close friend, and is the closest thing to family I have, has helped me a lot too.

So I have people, people who love me, people who support me. I need to surround myself with people like myself, who can love without limit, and accept the same. Whose only dysfunction might be they care too much, lol.

I also reactivated a dating profile on one site. I am just putting the energy out there. I’m free, I’m available, I am willing. And that’s a huge thing, to be willing.

I am beginning to get past it. I can see how toxic S is, for me, for himself. I see so clearly how he is only comfortable with extreme dysfunction. And how I wasn’t, and why our relationship would end every 2 weeks. There was a HUGE physical attraction. There is some kind of energetic connection. But I can have that with someone who can love and appreciate being loved, can’t I?

Pretty soon I’ll block his phone number, so when Betty Boop goes home tonight he can’t reach me. I’ll delete his texts soon, so I don’t see them when I open my app. I’ll get rid of all his pictures. I already did that with some that were my favorites. I don’t want to hear from him, he can’t do anything but give me more pain. I know this is a roller coaster. I know that I will go from anger to pain to healing over and over again. This is the first wave of feeling like I will survive. And it feels fucking good.

I bought a dark chocolate caramel chocolate bar to take him. Or give to him if he came here. Yesterday, I thought I’d throw it away. I though I would gag if I tried to eat it. Today, I think I will open it, and eat some. I’ve wasted enough on him. Why waste $3 more?

So…to paraphase one of my favorite authors, and spiritual guides, Brene Brown, from her TED talk on vulnerability, instead of catastrophizing my life because I got involved with a shit, I will thank God that I can hurt this much, that I could be so passionate, that I can love that deeply, because it means I am alive, and not dead, not walking around numb to this life. And for those that are numb, and settling for a life that will bring them pain after pain, I can’t feel anything but pity.

The Gift of Being Heard

Posted on by learning to live like water

Grateful this morning.

The words spoke of compassion

Of understanding

and set my mind and heart

at ease.

Feeling grateful today.

No minds were changed,

They didn’t need to be.

But connection was made.

You are you,

I am me.

I hear you.

I hear you.

What a gift to be heard.

To be acknowledged.

And accepted.

Perhaps, the angst

was eclipsed .

With the darkness of the night,

And set free as the light of the full moon returned.

Grateful.

Golden Silence

Posted on by learning to live like water

A nice day.

A nice evening.

I can be happy without him.

I wasn’t sure.

But fact is,

we were night and day,

never to occupy the same space.

Maybe I accepted it, finally.

Maybe he forced me by his 24 hours of silence.

Perhaps,

silence really is golden.

The words

that could be spoken,

are redundant,

not necessary.

So, better to have silence,

to remember the past fondly,

And let it go.

Retrospecitve

Posted on by learning to live like water

My life generally has rolled along, in a calm, fairly smooth rhythm that I am comfortable with. Working, writing, making jewelry, cooking, reading, taking care of the house, hanging out with friends.  For about a year, there was time with S included in that rhythm, but this summer he took himself out of it, needing to follow a slightly different path. I have missed him.

Lately, the energy has been chaotic.  I had surgery, and before that had constant pain and was basically handicapped, unable to use my right hand.  Work became so incredibly busy, 9 and 10 hour days have become the norm, and I’m still never caught up.  My son started a new job. My old life has just disintegrated and disappeared before my eyes.  Not a bad thing,  mind you.  Just….there were always remnants of it around.  But now our business is closed and for sale, my ex is kicked out of our old house, my beautiful boat is being auctioned off for unpaid storage fees.  Ex disappeared for about a week, which had no effect on me except it was just strange in too many ways.  He surfaced yesterday, he called my son and gave him his new phone number. Based on the number, he is still in town.  To be honest, I’d kind of hoped he had moved farther away, but then…he hates change.  I should have known he’d stay in the town he has lived in or 40 years.

S and I…well anyone who follows my blog knows that that relationship has become tumultuous, difficult, painful…as we both go our separate ways but neither of us has been quite willing to let go, for different reasons.  I’m trying to come to terms with that now, and I think some headway has been made.  I love him, I always will.  But our paths diverge, for now.

I look forward to getting back into my own rhythm.  It won’t be the same.  People, time, and events change us, grow us.  I have grown.  I have had a good look at myself recently, at my reactionary tendencies, and I know where my work lies ahead.  I also know what I need from a relationship more clearly than ever. I have known for some time the direction I want my life to take, and I will forge ahead on that path.

This morning, for the next how ever many days it takes, I am going to just sit back and breathe.  Try to assimilate all the big changes into my life, find the lessons, find some contentment with what is, let go of the things that aren’t and never will be. There’s another gong bath Friday, I am thinking I’ll go.  Acceptance, I guess, is what I will strive for in the present.

I have always considered myself a happy person.  While I don’t always feel happy, I always know that I will be, again.  My faith that things will all be ok…is  strong,  I believe the universe is conspiring in my behalf.  Living in the present, I’ll watch it unfold, and remember to be grateful.

A Day Alone

Posted on by learning to live like water

Went out with a friend last night, just for a couple glasses of wine.  It was nice, a lovely warm evening, felt like typical summer.  We sat outside, and talked and talked, lol.  It was good to get out, and not be left alone with my thoughts again.

The struggle was easier yesterday, I was in a place of acceptance, thanks to the gongs.  Sound healing is beginning to reach a standing in the scientific community.  Which well it should.  Everything vibrates, everything is vibration.  Gongs match the human vibration on a cellular level, and they seem to know where to go, what you need to deal with, and allow it to happen.  It can be painful as it comes up, not just emotionally, but sometimes physically.  I have had joint issues, etc, that were painful during the gongs, but so  much better after.  One night my carpal tunnel was killing me during the gong bath, but that night I slept with absolutely no pain, no sleeping pills, nothing.  And sometimes, it is emotional pain that comes up…and is allowed to heal, like Friday night.

So much healing is available.

Anyway, the gray skies have cleared to sunny, clear, but breezy.  A sailor’s dream.  I  think I’ll be home today, making jewelry.  Except to run out to the store, and get the bagels for my son that I forgot yesterday.  I looked at my checking account balance this morning, lol.  I need to get some new things on my jewelry site, and make some money….Probably sit on my deck, it’s my favorite place to do it.  I have so much stuff, that has been sitting idle, not made because of my issues with my hand.  But that’s now resolved, so I think I’ll get creative today and see what comes up.

I’ll be alone today, all day…my son is working, then has a date…he’ll be gone until late.  I hope that the voices in my head stay still, and let me be, lol.  It’s easier not to think about “things” when his chaotic energy is in the house.  Young, effusive, righteous, lol.  places to go, people to see, things to do…..

Love and light all, have a peaceful Sunday.

Maybe

Posted on by learning to live like water

Still holding on to the summer

That’s leaving so quickly.

Still wearing my flip-flops,

dreaming of the beach.

Dreaming of star-gazing on warm summer nights.

I apparently love to kid myself.

And not to let go,

And not to accept that which I don’t want.

Cooler mornings and shorter days.

Not my thing.

The voices are demanding

That I accept what is.

September, creeping toward the end.

leaves changing colors,

falling to the ground.

Dreams of summer falling with them

Give me sensuous summer nights

and glorious hot summer days.

Let go, let go, the voice commands.

A few more days….just a few… I beg.

Maybe.

Is the answer.

Just, maybe.