Just Some Random Thoughts

My lunch was nice.  We went to a deli run by a very upscale restaurant chain in the area.  Great NY style sandwiches, on bread that they make.  I don’t always get a sandwich when I go there, often I get their salads, maybe a feta cheese and spinach croissant.  It was Jim’s first time, I think he enjoyed it.

I explained to him about the freshness of the breakup.  How the relationship was done, but it was still fresh and I was being very cautious, and taking things slow.  He seemed ok with it, He said, “one day at a time.”  I feel better that he knows this about me.  He still wanted to make plans for Friday night.  🙂  He had a son who played hockey until about the same age as my son, so we exchanged some hockey stories, some stories of our youth. our lives. He had his new phone, I sent him his first text today, lol.  And I was the recipient of his first one, ever!!  LOL.

I had a spell where I missed S today, like crazy.  I managed to work through it.  I got back to the place where unconditional love for him is the only emotion I am comfortable with, it is who I am, it is what I believe.

We talked a bit tonight at book club about soul journeys, and contracts, and agreements.  There is a well known surgeon who has written books (or a book) about this. His name escapes me at the moment, I’ll have to find out from my friend who has been to one of his workshops.  But he says, he is sure that in a past life he murdered someone with a knife.  So in this life, he is saving people with a knife.  So, perhaps if we were abused in this life, we are learning the other side by asking to have a life in which we are abused, because we were an abuser in a past life, so that we can know the light and the dark, and grow and evolve.It’s an interesting concept to think about, and we only touched on it.  It leaves a lot of unanswered questions though.

Dr. Brian Weiss, head of Psychology at University of Miami, and author of Many Lives, Many Masters, (and many other books about past lives) found that often the same group of people agree to incarnate over and over again, to work out karmic differences, or to help each other achieve a goal, a lesson that one of them wants to learn.  I think this explains how there are some people with whom we have an instant and enduring connection, against the odds.

I was at a meditation group one night, when  new girl came in.  She sat her chair down next to me.  Instantly, really, within minutes we were in a deep conversation, about crystals, and meditation, and a whole host of other things.  We were on a high speed information exchange.  She and I have remained friends since then, she put me in touch with her reiki teacher when I wanted to become certified.  I used to see a lot of her, but we don’t connect much anymore, because the group has been disbanded, and really people’s lives just run in different directions, intersecting for awhile.  But we always both said we felt like we had known each other forever, immediately.

I’ll be honest here, I felt like I knew S, and loved him,  before I ever met him.  I guess I won’t find out in this lifetime, but it was similar to my friend above.  I don’t know if he ever felt that or not, but really that kind of connection is really on a level I have worked at for a long time, as did my girlfriend above.   And really S and I are so different, such different experiences, there was nothing really to bond us, except a love of the sea, which was strong in both of us.  I always loved that I didn’t have to try to explain it to him, I just knew he felt the same way about it. I’ll always appreciate all the places he took me to along the shoreline.  Though, I’d liked to have gone in the summer too, lol.   Night and day.   But we did….for awhile.  Daybreak and sunset.

Just kind of ruminating on it, because of the discussions we had at book club.

Not Ready for Prime Time

Been thinking a lot about Jim, the guy I’ve just met and having lunch with tomorrow.  I like him, he’s a good guy.  But honestly, he’s jumping in with both feet and I’m just not ready for that.  I am flattered by his attention, and his desire to spend time with me and talk to me.  He called me at lunch, he bought a smartphone today, mostly so he could take pics and check FaceBook now that we are friends, and text, though we’ve not done that yet. He called m on my lunch, he called me tonight. I am holding back, big time.  I am just not ready for an intense relationship, it hasn’t even been a month since my world disintegrated and I’ve had to try to rebuild it.  I invited my cousin over tonight to just talk for awhile tonight.  Partly because she had some real stuff she needed to talk about, party because I wanted to have a legit reason to not talk to him too long.

So tomorrow at lunch, I am going to explain to him about S, and how the relationship break-up is fresh, and I need to move slowly.  We’re going out to dinner Friday.  My bff can’t come over on Saturday to hand out candy.  But I asked a couple other friends to come too.  I thought about asking Jim, but I don’t want to invite him to my house.  That would just send the wrong message, not what I want to do.

In the meantime, A has continued to be my rock.  I swear, I don’t know where I’d be without him these past 3 weeks.  He’s gentle, and loving and compassionate.  Even from 2000 miles away.  There is not a mean bone in his body, even when he’s been rejected big time, when I blew him off for S  last spring when I came home from Florida, he never stopped loving me.  Just the same way I will always love S. A always has welcomed me with open arms.  Though this last time, he said, “No more disappearing acts, ok?”

Today was a decent day.  I have some clean-up from the break-up still to do, little odds and ends that I want to take care of that will keep me on track.  I had bought the song “Comfortably Numb” by Pink FLoyd over the summer, when I discovered it, one of the times that S disappeared on me (probably with BB, though I have no idea really).  Later he said he felt I “stole” it from him, that it had a lot of meaning to him.  Stole it?  That was just stupid, I didn’t even know about it til I was googling pictures for that exact phrase “comfortably numb”.  I just felt that way because I was drinking wine every night for 3 nights until I was numb, “comfortably numb”, because he had disappeared without a trace, and I thought he was really really sick, and was terrified for him.  I want to delete it from my play list now, because it reminds me of him, and the darkness that he slid back into and allowed it to break us up.  The song is really too dark for me.

There is a book he gave me, that I sent back to him a couple months ago when I was sick of the bs, and got my own copy, called “Jitterbug Perfume.”  It seems to be a funny, off-beat book.  I liked what I read of it.  But I’ve tried to pick it up since my world was turned upside down, and it’s my own copy, but it either infuriates me to read it, or makes me cry, so I need to bury it away somewhere to read another time.

Stuff like that, stuff that I’m ok about until, without trying, it jumps in my face. Little things, that I need to get out of my life, even the periphery.

Well I didn’t too so well not writing about him, but better.  I’m ok tonight.  I’ll be even better tomorrow.

Love and light all….

Monday Morning Musings.

BOTH

I have 4 ginormous bags of candy for Halloween.  About 800 pieces of small candies.  I get about 300 trick-or-treaters.  I live in a very family oriented development, lots of kids. It’s one long street that loops around, maybe 150 homes, well lit.  People bring carloads of kids here and drop them off.

Usually my best friend comes over and hands out candy with me, we sit on my front steps with a drink and have fun talking to and seeing the kids in their costumes.  This year, we both forgot it was Saturday night, she’s not sure her husband didn’t make plans, so I still have to find that out.  Another friend said she might stop by.  But if no one can come, I may ask Jim, the new guy if he wants to come do it with me.

I’m not sure I’m ready to have him at my house.  But I suppose I will know better by the end of the week, when we’ve been out a couple more times.  We have lunch tomorrow, and dinner on Friday night.  He actually made me smile, he wanted to go to lunch, but he said, “I don’t want to give up Friday night though…”  He actually called me yesterday morning to see if I could meet him again for coffee.  I declined, I was making plans to go out and run errands with a friend.  That would probably have been too much for me, too soon, to see him both days of the weekend.  I really have to take this slow.  But it was really pleasant for me to know he wants to see me, that he enjoys my company. I enjoy his, but my heart is so guarded right now.  I want to take my time, and let it open in it’s own time.  It’s open to “like” right now.  Not to passion, but to “like”. Passion too soon gets me in a lot of trouble anyway, lol.  Anyway, he is in the middle of his divorce, not done with it yet. I was a bit concerned about that, but as we talked, I could tell his marriage is definitely over, and just the details of splitting assets etc have to be completed. It’s not a problem for me at the moment, I am not feeling attached at this point.

I have book club tomorrow night.  I always enjoy that, being with 4 of my best friends, talking about our books, and the way our spiritual journeys have impacted our lives.  Yesterday I immersed myself in the book.  Also watched a marathon of Oprah’s new series “Belief” which ended with Louis Schwartzberg’s short film “Gratitude”.  If you get a chance, watch it on youtube, it’s an amazing piece of film.  All of it helped me in moving forward.

I’m feeling at peace this morning.  I have been doing the Ho’oponopono (inspired by Megan) and will continue to .  It is healing for both you and the one you direct it to.  I feel this morning that I have a deeper understanding of unconditional love, and how I can feel it without attachment.  I think I have found my center again.  I have also been doing self reiki, knowing that my heart chakra has been blocked for some time.  One of the members of my book club also performs reiki, I may ask her to give it to me.  It is more effective for me I think, than self-reiki.  At least, right now.

Just some Monday morning musings.  Love and light, all.

Moving On

I woke with a sore throat and sneezing this morning, even though I slept 8 1/2 hrs.  I had a feeling that would happen, I was so run down from the weekend.  I wish I could have slept better when I was there, but it is what it is.  It doesn’t change the fact that it was a wonderful weekend.

I talked to a man I met online last night for the first time.  It was odd.  I have had these initial conversations many times.  I met S online, and A.  This conversation felt much more like an interview than getting to know someone.  Scratch him off of the list.  He said he felt I held back.  Which, lol, is the opposite of what most people say about me, when it comes to putting myself out there and saying what is on my mind.  At first S thought it was “refreshing” that I didn’t hold back and just said what was on my mind.  Then when he began withdrawing, it irritated him.  Whatever, I have always spoken my mind, though I try to be gentler about it than I used to be.  I think this man expects a lot of a first phone call!  People have to earn the right to hear my story now, I’m not going to tell my story to someone on a first phone call.  I was much more comfortable speaking to the man who wants to meet me later this week.  I’m supposed to be speaking with him again tonight, to make plans to meet we’ll see where that goes.

S was texting me over the weekend, of course. He has always tried to demand my attention when I’m with my family.  I even told him I have bad cell service there, and every time I’d get service my phone would alert, “I’d like to hear from you.”  “Are you there?”   And when he didn’t like what I had to say which was basically, “I dont know what is on your mind but there’s no way back for us, so why don’t you go bother your girlfriend”, he told me “F**k you” 4 times. I shouldn’t have responded at all. I finally blocked him again.  Then he leaves me a blocked voice mail yesterday, saying he just wants to talk, he doesn’t want to get back together. Why would I want to talk to someone who tells me fuck you, when he doesn’t get the reaction he’s looking for.  And why would I want to talk to him anyway?  He offers me nothing.  There is no joy anywhere around him.

I don’t know why he won’t leave me alone.  He’s got his silent woman.  I don’t want to hear about how he’s thinking of me, how he’s surprised how much he misses me, how I planted seeds of doubt in his mind.  Geezus.  Leave me alone.  For God’s sake, he made his choice, I wish he’d just live with it, and bother her.  Go tell her he’s got seeds of doubt planted, and that he misses me.  She obviously likes the mindfuck game and is willing to play it with him.  I’m not.  UGH.

I suppose some of it was my fault though.  I was reading Brene Brown’s book, Rising Strong, on the flight down to Virginia and she had this whole chapter on how most people are doing the best they can with the tools they have and their level of consciousness at the time.  I wrote a blog about it, but I also sent him a message while I was on that flight, saying “look, I get that you are doing the best you can, and so have I been.”  Because I just hate the ugliness.  But I didn’t mean I wanted to start up a conversation with him again.  So, I suppose I started it.  He never addressed what I said, just jumped right in with how he’s thinking about me, and how he’s surprised how much he misses me.  What is the point of that?   I told him he would miss me, I know it every day because I still feel him. I told him back when he did this, that for the rest of  his life he will hear the sound of my voice, the woman who loved him.  Who wouldn’t miss the unconditional love and acceptance?  Who wouldn’t miss being with someone who doesn’t require you to hide who you are?  But it’s done, he broke it way beyond repair, and I’m over it.

I have hesitated even writing about his contact, I don’t want to give it any energy, but it’s on my mind, how much he loves to fuck with my emotions, and I need to get the energy out of my head, on into the universe.

Onward. Alone, temporarily.

The Experience of Loving Too Much

My friend Megan, who has a wonderful blog, Finding My Way Home, https://wordpress.com/read/blog/feed/35347124, put up a bunch of posters today and these two really resonated with me.  This one, because what happened to me in the last two weeks has forever changed me.  For the better.  Wiser, smarter, more accountable to myself, more intuitive, more sensitive. I lost nothing.  I gained tremendously.  I can never see what was, the way I saw it before.  And I can never go there again.

https://lovewillleadyouhome.files.wordpress.com/2015/10/1654124_10152243489908628_1118880557_n.jpg

This one, because this is something I believe with every fiber of my being.  It’s the way I am.  Hold nothing back.  Have no regrets that you held something back. It’s too intense for some people.  But I know there is someone else out there, who wants to squeeze every drop of passion out of this life that they can, and will join me on this incredible ride.

https://lovewillleadyouhome.files.wordpress.com/2015/10/10712882_940728489270657_7209657586118780195_n.jpg

That’s all for tonight.  I am packing to go to my niece’s wedding, to spend 4 days with people like me, that believe this too.  I cannot wait to be immersed in that energy for 4 days.

Peace out.  Thank you Megan.  I’m so glad we have become friends, half way around the world from each other.

Disconnection

I saw S last night.  It was a kind of swan song, I guess, though not so graceful as a swan.  We got a take out pizza and took it up to a park and ate it outside, it was nice out, about 70.  He had been asking me to talk to me, so I finally relented, having things of my own to ask, and to say.

I wrote a blog last night, and then took it down.  I wrote another shorter one, and put it up, but it’s not here this morning, so I don’t know what happened to that one.  No big deal. I had just begun to process what happened anyway, and I felt confused, disjointed.  I still do, I will for some time.

He says he is not “with” her.  That he still does not want some intense loving relationship with anyone.  Ok, I can buy that.  But he’s spent part of the last two weekends with her, so he obviously would rather be with her than me.  I suppose, because I do feel intensely about him.  There is nothing about me that is not passionate.  The way I loved him, the way I love the ocean, the way I write, the way I feel about anything.  She and he don’t talk all week, they never did, he told me that when I met him. He likes that.  They would get together on the weekend, for some of the time.  I can’t even fathom, a 12 year relationship in which i didn’t communicate with my significant other all week, but got together on the weekend for some semblance of intimacy.  I could not even consider it a relationship, to bed someone that I was not involved with 5 days a week, and then suddenly saw on the weekend.  It would be like being with a stranger.

He always complained I talked too much.  I think he and she occupy the same space at times, but don’t have much to say. He buries his feelings, they are not up for discussion.  My feelings…well, my heart is on my sleeve.  No one ever has to wonder how i feel.  It’s the only way to be connected to the rest of the human race.  I know it is the only way to allow love into my life, and creativity, and joy, and trust.  I know now that not everyone deserves to hear my story, to have my trust.  But still, I will only temper the ease with which I lean into vulnerability, I won’t change it.  I think all humans crave connection, I agree with Brene Brown that it is basic to the human psyche.

To fall in love with a man who wished no real connection….well, it was not something I ever considered, that there are people who freely admit they don’t want that deep, rich, full connection with others. In this way, I understand that part of why he is “with” her, or not “with” her, as he says.  She wants no connection, nor does he.  They are acquaintances, who share some physical intimacy at times, but not really connection, because then they go their separate ways and have no interest in maintaining the tie for the next week.  No deepening of it, no reveling in it.  Just do it, enjoy it, and go home.  It’s a lifestyle I can’t fathom, and can walk away from, and leave it to them.

Personally I think she wanted more, which is why she cheated on him and left him.  Perhaps, in practicing disconnect all those year, she was unable to put herself out for someone else, and after the infatuation wore off, she couldn’t connect with her new husband.  She also went back to what she was comfortable with.  I would expect that she is a lot like S, with walls up to keep people out, and herself walled in.  The fact that she could leave him when he was dying, and take all she could from him, is another thing altogether.

I still don’t understand, why he would invite back into his life, someone who did what she did to him.  He said he wipes the slate clean, he doesn’t hold a grudge.  I said, I don’t hold one with my ex either, I have forgiven him for what he did to me.  But would I welcome him, and that, back into my life?  No, never.  I know what chaos he can cause…I know he hasn’t changed.  I know what he would bring.  It’s one thing to forgive, it’s quite another to ask to be taken down again by inviting it back in.  But it’s not my cross to bear, and I won’t be there to pick up the pieces for him when she does it again.

In the meantime, he has the relationship with which he is comfortable.  Physical need fulfilled when he needs it, and not to have to give anything up.

The whole thing makes it much easier to let go.  I can love the man, I will always love the time we spent together on my deck, in my bed, driving around on excursions, our funny flirty texts. But knowing that what drives him is an intense desire to be alone, even when he is with someone, just allows me to let go.  It is the opposite of what drives me.

I love connection. I love intimacy, emotional, spiritual and physical intimacy.  I know there are men out there who love it too.  I now look forward to finding one, and putting S into the “someone that I once loved” category.  It’s where he wants to be.

He said, “Can we still know each other, can’t I still call you and see how you’re doing in Florida?”  I suppose, maybe someday, his voice won’t hurt me, it won’t remind me how I loved a man who wanted no part of it.  Maybe someday we can be “friends”. The trouble is I will never be that disconnected.  The love I feel for him will always be there between us, even when it’s buried, and I have let a new love into my heart, and built a relationship with someone who wants to reciprocate, I’m not sure I can ever talk to him without remembering.

Right now, I am looking forward to moving on, but I’m not moved on yet.  I still feel wrecked, broken, confused, rejected.  I had hoped for some tenderness from him last night, I guess that’s why I went, hoping he’d at least own the fact that his actions devastated me.  But there was none.  There was more him telling me it was my own fault, that he was honest with me.  He was….but he knew how I felt, and did nothing to mitigate the pain that what he was doing caused me.  I can own the fact that I loved him without limit, knowing he didn’t want to, and didn’t feel the same. But so what, he knew.  He spent time with me knowing how I felt.  He pulled me back to him in every time I tried to leave. Why he did that I don’t know.  It was dishonest. There is something abusive about that, being pulled in, just to fulfill his ego, with no intention.  “I don’t want you to dump me” he said to me back then.  So, he wanted my adoration, he wanted what I did for him. And he used me, and threw me out.

Last night I realized that I am left by myself to find my way back.   He says he has feelings too.  And he’s all about what he’s feeling, making sure I understand what they are, but he’s not able to feel empathy for me.  Disconnect.  Walling oneself in, so no one can get in, and you can’t get out, and the only thing that matters is what you feel.  As I can’t comprehend the disconnect he has, he cannot fathom the love I felt.

He watched me cry and shake.  He made no move to comfort me.  He had no remorse, no empathy. Cold.

It was a little hard to take.

But he is who he is.  Like I said, I can much more easily let go.  I knew when I met with him, that if nothing else, I would get clarity.  And really, that’s all I got.  But it’s something. It is positive motion.  Pretty soon, I’ll stop writing about him.  This blog will anger him I’m sure, but that seems to be all he can feel with me anyway.  Anger because I wanted to be with him, anger that I loved him and wanted him to love me back.  Anger that I wasn’t satisfied with the non-loving relationship he’s been trying to push on me for 6 months now. Anger that I can write so openly about him and I.  Don’t worry S, no one will ever know who you are.  She walked back into his life, and he could suddenly have that disconnected, shallow relationship that he wants, where he doesn’t have to give anything of himself.  Oh, maybe money, maybe things, but not anything of himself.

It was me who finally said, “We really don’t have anything to talk about” and got up to walk to the car.  There was no hug and kiss goodbye, there was nothing said.  I gave him the pizza I’d bought, that i didn’t eat one piece of. We just each got in our car, and drove home, knowing that there really was no way back.

Disconnected. Over. Done.

Onward, as Liz Gilbert says.  Onward.

Add-on:  I just remembered, when I talked to him on that fateful Saturday, when he told me he was going to be with her, I asked  him if she knew that he texted me at 4 am, that he asked for pictures of me the night before.  He said, no.  I said “well tell her, she deserves to know the truth. ” When he objected, I said, you tell her, or I will do everything in my power to tell her myself.”  At that, he got furious, and threatened me, enough so that I screen-shot the text, for my own protection.  So, that he’s not “with” her seems to be her doing, not his.  He clearly thought he was “with” her when he spoke to me that morning, and didn’t want any interference of the truth to change it.  And now he rewrites history.

Better

I ate dinner tonight!  Like a real whole dinner.  First time in days and days.  And I don’t feel nauseous.  Not guessing it will last, but it feels good to feel kind of like myself again.  I got tons of stuff done today. I know I broke the rules with S, lol, but I think I followed my heart, and the end result was progress for me. I will never contact him just to cry, or to beg him for some attention.  What I did today brought me some clarity, and I’m glad to have it.  His lack of response speaks as loudly as a response would have.  And I only wanted a response, either a conversation or silence will answer what I wanted to know.  I got one the answer of silence. So, ok…nuff said.

I am sure that I will have rough days to come, but right now, I have a good understanding of where he’s at, and why the whole thing transpired.  I get better why he chose her, I understand what he needs and it’s not some direct speaking, assertive Aries woman who doesn’t let things go til they are resolved.

I got back on one dating site last week, but haven’t been able to drum up any interest.  Today, I forced myself.  And as it turned out, I got a message from a nice man who lives about a half hour from here.  Seems he and I have things in common.

I’m tired, really, emotionally exhausted.  I’ll be going to bed early tonight.  But It’s nice to write a blog where I’m not losing it.

Peace out.  Tough day, but worth it.