Tag Archives: anger’

The Power of Unconditional Love, A Personal Story

Posted on by learning to live like water

This morning I was struggling.  The aftermath of my outburst last week was wreaking havoc with my emotions.  I was at work, thankfully busy, but every minute I was alone, I was in tears.  This afternoon, I became kind of numb to it.  Mostly because I have no control over the outcome, and my brain on overload just shut the emotions down.  I made it through the day numb.  Comfortably numb.

I worked late, on purpose, so that I wouldn’t sit home thinking about it.  On the way home, after a 10 hr day, I began to think about it again.  I said to myself, “So, if the worst happens, will it be the worst thing you have ever lived through?”

The answer is no…absolutely not.  I began to remember, in full living color, the darkest days of my life.  I got through them.  Successfully.  I triumphed.  I decided to write about it, I am ready now, to see it in perspective, and to recognize my own strength, my own intuition, my own gut instinct.

It begins with my son.

I moved out of my old house in March 2007, after 30 years of marriage.  I didn’t file for divorce until the beginning of August that year.  The reasons, the singular event that made me realize I HAD to file, for me but even moreso for my son, is another whole blog.  Just let me say, I had my reasons and they were compelling.

My son lived with his father.  My son played hockey, for over a decade I knew myself as a “hockeymom”.  His father controlled his hockey career.  Was his coach, his advisor, and his biggest and most cruel critic.  It was a control mechanism for his father.   His father used hockey to control my son, and he used my son to control me.

Example:  One day my son and I were going to go to the mall.  My ex normally hated shopping trips, hated the mall, had a bad back so hated walking around the mall.  But this day, he decided he wanted to go. He didn’t want my son and I alone without him.  Control.  We had been at each other’s throats for days, I did NOT want to sit in a car with him to the mall, and have to deal with him all day.  My son and I loved going together.  We would go to Dunkin Donuts, and fast food, and do all the things that his father didn’t allow.  Before we got home we’d have to empty the car of all the wrappers and bags, but we’d always be laughing.  So this day, his dad decided to go, and I couldn’t cope with his dad.  Simple.  I told his father he could go and I’d stay home and get some work done.  He insisted we all go together.  I thought I would lose my mind if I went, so I kept saying no.  He got my son on the phone and told him, that he was sorry, but he wouldn’t be able to coach him anymore, or go to his games, or practices, and that they wouldn’t be able to spend much time together because his mother, me, wouldn’t do what he wanted.

Those were his words, exactly.  My son became hysterical, he was maybe 11, and screamed at me, “Mom, what are you doing?  You HAVE to go, I’m going to lose my father….”

Needless to say I went.  I drove.  My son and I sat in the car, waiting for his father to come to the car so we could leave.  His dad finally came out, beer in his hand, got in the car, and said to my son, ” See what a little pressure can do?”  He was PROUD of his behavior.

So there you have it…the control factor.

When I moved out, my son lived with my ex, due to the hockey factor.  It was the main event of our lives.  My son refused to spend a night with me, or come over unless his father insisted.  He was terrified of angering his father, whose temper was volatile and scary.  He was 6’2″, about 250 lbs.  He had arms as big as most men’s legs and was strong as an ox.  When I filed for divorce, my ex kept trying to talk me out of it.  As I said, my reasons were compelling for any sane woman, and I refused to “pause” it as he asked.  My court date wasn’t for 2 months.  I had to get through those 2 months and then I would have some rights to see my son.  I could not help my son if I had no access to him.

I had been paying for all 3 cell phones.  After all, I was the one, only one, bringing money into the household.  We lived off my check.  I had continued to pay for them, because additional phones were only $10 a month or something.  When I refused to stop the divorce proceeding, my ex bought he and my son new cell phones, and they refused to give me the numbers.  I know my son refused because his father told him to, we have discussed it since.  My son was 15, and trying to survive.

But this meant, that I couldn’t call my son.  I called the house phone, they shut the ringers off.  I had no way to contact my son, and see if he was ok.  If you can imagine, he was living with a man who thought nothing of hurting him, in order to get to me.  And I was unable to even check on him.  So, about 3 times a week, I would go over to my old house and bang on the door, and beg my son to come out, and just give me a hug.  I was generally sobbing hysterically.  He would hug me until I calmed.  We might have a brief conversation, but mostly I just wanted to see he was ok.  To see him.  To hold him, my only child.  I knew that his father was on the other side of the door, listening to every word we said.

But I knew, instinctively, that my son needed to know that I loved him, that I was still standing, no matter what he threw at me.  He needed to know that I knew what was going on, and that I would never stop loving him.  Ever.  For two months, I stood there crying, telling him I loved him.  I asked nothing of him, except once in awhile, his phone number when the pain became too strong.   He would always say, “soon Mom, I’ll give it to you soon….”

Fast forward to a court date, where I got visitation, court ordered.  And the phone numbers, court ordered.  And it still took another month before my ex would abide by the orders.  He continued to play games with the phones.  But, I had 4 hours minimum with my son every week.  Dinner twice a week, and supposedly every other weekend.  I still was not allowed to drive him to hockey games, or practice or home.  Since he played both days of every weekend, my time with him was limited.

But…it was enough.  I showed him a different way to live.  He became glad to come over.  He still struggled with his father’s control, but eventually, he was riding his bike over to my house when it wasn’t my time, hiding his bike inside my house, just to have some “free” time.

Eventually, a year and 2 months after I filed for divorce, he left for school from his father’s house, and came home to my house.  He never went back.  He left EVERYHING, he came with the clothes on his back.  I had bought him a pair of jeans and a few shirts, long before, on the off chance he wanted to stay with me unexpectedly.  But I had to take him out and buy him a new wardrobe for school.  He didn’t want to even look at his father.

That was his freedom day, Sept. 29, 2008.  I got him counseling, I talked with him, we worked through a lot of really hard stuff.  It was not easy.  But today, I am so proud of the young man he’s become.  Just so proud.

Now, I’ve been known to say there is always a lesson.  We don’t always know what the lesson is.  Sometimes it comes years later, sometimes we never recognize it.  But the lesson here, for me, was simple, and is the core of my spiritual beliefs now.

Simply….the power of unconditional love is greater than any other power in the universe.  Nothing that evil can do can hold a candle to the light of unconditional love.  Fear, and anger, and hate…..have no power when faced with unconditional love.  I don’t know why I was so blessed to know this, instinctively.   Back then I had not one spiritual thought in my head.  But I loved my son, unconditionally and always.  This love gave him a place to go, a path out of the dark chaos that his father would have us in forever.  I take no credit for this.  I was the conduit for a source, an energy, much greater than me.  It came from somewhere, flowed through me, to my son.  And saved both our lives.

Back to this morning….I hope the power in unconditional love brings a happy ending to my struggle.  Is it a difficult struggle, yes.  But the worst of my life…No. I am strong.  I triumphed over the ugly, the cruel, the mean, and so did my son.  I will get through it, however it turns out.  I am strong, stronger than I ever knew.  I’d been forgetting that lately.  I make mistakes, I am good, bad, imperfect, loving, kind, mean, and crazy, at any given moment.   I’m working on it all.  But I am strong, all the time.  I’ll grow, I’ll get better.  Because I am strong.  And I know where real power comes from.

Wanting, or Needing? I Know My Answer

Posted on by learning to live like water

It was late. The pain was still raw, as if I’d had surgery done on my heart. The anger visceral, because it covered the pain. Demons gnawed at my very sinew, baring their bloody teeth. Some of them churned my stomach, like a hurricane in the middle of my body. My breath, my very breath, was being stolen from me. I could feel the fury coursing through my veins, my eyes and head and heart pounding in an evil dance.

I sat on the edge of the bed.

“I don’t want to get in.” I said, to nobody. “Maybe I’ll go sleep on the couch. Then I won’t think of him. Sleeping with her, never with me again.” Although loathe to sleep in my bed, I knew I had to do put one leg in, then the other. Lay on the pillows that we used to share. I had to be comfortable in my own bed.

But first, I put on a nightgown. So I wouldn’t have visions of him, not next to me naked. Next to her naked. So I wouldn’t feel the luxury of the sheets on my skin. So I could avoid the worst pain.

I sat on the edge of the bed again. I had to know. “Is she sleeping in your bed?” I asked. “No.” I drew out some more anger, to mask the pain.

Sleeping pills and wine… I got a little sleep somehow.

I woke 2 hours later, it was 3 AM. I called him, but he wouldn’t answer. I wanted to know. I needed to know. How long had I been the fool?

I’m still the fool. Because I still let it hurt me. Because I still allow the anger to consume me. Because he’s not worth it, he’s never given me back anything. Yet, I sat there, sit here, empty. Wanting him to fill the void.

I guess I always did, and because he was here with me, I thought some day he would.

There’s always a lesson. Some people can’t. Just can’t, fill an emotional void. Some people run from the emotions. They don’t want to feel. So they numb. Numb with drugs, numb with alcohol, numb with cigarettes, numb with food. Some people numb the present by living in the past, because, you can rewrite your past. You can make a nightmare into a dream. Or a dream into a nightmare. And believe it.

I’m kind of getting it. Having someone who needs you to take care of them, keeps you from having to invest in them emotionally. “See, see what I did for you. How can you question my love for you?” “I gave you a kitchen, I bought you a car. Of course I love you.”

But something made her run, into the arms of another man. Who, of course, she didn’t even know, let alone love. A grown woman? No, an emotional teenager. And now she wants out, and of course, he will take care of it for her. Of course. It will prove that he loves her. Of course, it doesn’t prove that she loves him. It only proves that she needs  him.  Then when she runs again, after she is free….he can wear his pain like a badge, “All women hurt me. I don’t ever want to love again.”

All women, except me. I didn’t hurt him. But I didn’t want anything either. Except his love. That was it, that was all.  The one thing that he gives no one.  Not even himself.

But I’ll be gone. I’ll be in the arms and bed of someone who wants me, and doesn’t need to take care of me.

I don’t want to need anyone, nor do I want to be needed. But want, oh what a glorious thing that is, to want someone, and have them want you back. I’ll find him.

Disclaimer:  I don’t know for a fact that any of that about her is true.  It is my intuitions best guess.  Only time will tell.

Going to Clean House

Posted on by learning to live like water

Image result for Getting over a broken heart

I was going to do house cleaning anyway, it’s the first day I have been able to since my surgery.  But I am going to empty it of any vestige of him, there will be nothing around to remind me of him.  Except…you know the furniture.  The places we spent time together, the deck, the family room, the bedroom, the kitchen.  Those memories will have to just fade away.

I have some white sage smudge sticks.  I will set one up in every room we spent time in, and clean the energy.  It will help me to forget him.  It will help my anger.  It will help my hurt.  Thank God I have some knowledge of how to deal with energy.

I will ask a friend to send me reiki.  She helped me after the prison whore, when I thought I was gonna die.  She will help me again this time.  I can do self-reiki too.

I can get productive.  I can make plans with friends for tonight.  Hopefully for tomorrow.  and Monday.  But I’m gonna get my house spotless, clean out my garage, if my hand can take it. Gonna sit out on the deck and try to get into a deep meditation, on releasing the past.  Releasing the pain.

I texted with S a little this morning,  I wanted to know how long…he has only talked to her, and for 3 days.  But he stopped answering me, I was a bit to caustic I guess.  But in the same way I wear my heart on my sleeve, I also wear my anger and my pain.  And the truth.  He disappeared.  I don’t care.

That was cool to write.   I DON’T CARE.  It just came out of me with real ease.  Without any thought.  I don’t care.

At least not right now.

I’m so glad my son is gone for the weekend.  I’m so glad he will never have to know about this.  He hates S for the amount he’s hurt me.  Just seriously can’t stand him.  My son has seen me get so hurt in his lifetime, he can’t understand why I would continue to see someone who continues to hurt me, and use me for his own benefit.  And the kid is right.  I’m just glad he’s gone.  I won’t ever tell him, S has not been around in weeks, so he will just leave it be and be glad he isn’t around now.

I’m going to be fine.

Maybe The Universe Is Working in My Behalf.

Posted on by learning to live like water

This is me this morning.

Thank God for Ambien.  After working almost 40 hours in 4 days, I was exhausted.  But….didn’t consider going to bed until about 1 AM.  I was on the phone with a friend out in Montana for hours, crying on her shoulder, venting my anger, my hurt, my pain. I didn’t want to go lay down in the bed that he would  never join me in again.  I was afraid a torrent of raging tears would start that I couldn’t stop.  Somehow I calmed myself and slept for 4 1/2 hours. I guess due to 2 glasses of wine and an Ambien.  Bad to do together, but it worked for me last night.

I called him back, at midnight, or12:30 and asked him if she was there now.  No, he said.  I didn’t even know why I called him. I said, “You piece of shit.  You fucking piece of shit.”  and hung up.  I don’t know why I did it.  I just had, have so much rage.

II called him twice at 3 AM. He didn’t answer. I wanted to know when this happened, how long has he been seeing her.  I want to know if that’s why I never saw  him all summer, why he couldn’t make any plans ever, why he was always wanting to come here to my house, and never me to his.  I feel like I have a right to know how blind and stupid I’ve been and how big an asshole he is.

He said in his voice mail, “It’s all I ever wanted and you knew that.”  WHAT AN ASSHOLE.  No, I did not know that, when he was sleeping with me, talking to me all day long, having intimate conversations with me, begging me to come see him the Sunday before last.  No I did not know that he still was stuck on the fucking woman who tried to break him and abandoned him and took him for all she could.

Was I too strong for him?  I didn’t need him, but oh I wanted him and he knew that.  I loved being with him.  I put my heart on my sleeve and he fucking chewed it up and spit it out last night.  “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

And you didn’t fucking mean not to.  You meant to use me,and what I so willingly offered,to make yourself feel good.  The way it affected me was none of your business I guess.

But then there’s this.  Last Sunday we had a blow up, I just got sick of him calling me stupid because I couldn’t translate the two word texts he was sending me, and ended up misunderstanding him.  Just sick of it.  The wall went up, and I spent the week, trying to get over him.  Sure I would, I didn’t even miss him til yesterday.  I didn’t even see him as the same man til yesterday.

So, maybe, just maybe, this whole thing, the whole week, has been the universe working in my behalf.  Last Sunday was just preparation for him to tell me this last night.  As angry and hurt as I am, had I not spent the week trying to get over him, and move on by myself, last night would have been even worse, so much worse.

And seeing that, looking at that, I feel better.  I feel maybe the Universe is about to bring me what I want, about to open a door that’s been closed, because I couldn’t close the door on S.  Even though he clearly wasn’t actively participating in our whatever it was relationship.

They psychic back in June told me to stand my ground, that when I close the wrong doors the right ones will open.  She didn’t mention that I would have the door slammed in my face, and feel broken again, but still…the door is now shut for good.  I think it was probably necessary for something like this to happen for me to shut it and seal it shut, never to be reopened.

I’ll get over it.  That much I know.  I am still in shock, but I’ll get past it.  He can be with her, and find some more misery to cry about. He can work til he’s 75 to keep her out of debt, probably will pay for her divorce.  That’s probably why she came back.  She married someone very impulsively, she’s unable to manage her money, and can’t afford a divorce, so she’ll probably mooch the money off of him, and he’ll gladly pay some more so the bitch can continue to hurt him.  Stupid idiot.  Who would want someone back that took them for so much?  Someone who is used to being punished by those he loved.

Well that’s not me.  The people I love are given wings to fly.  Even him, when he told me he needed to go find himself.  figure out what he wanted.  I told him to go do it, that I fully supported it.  And what a bunch of bullshit that turned out to be.  The first chance he had, he dove right into the past.  Setting himself up to spend his life in more pain.  He survived liver cancer.  The liver is where we hold all our anger.  So, do I think they had 12 years of bliss together?  Doubtful.

And his daughter, with whom he’s become close…I’m sure she’ll be very happy.  She hates this woman, who she feels broke up her family. He told me, his daughter wanted nothing to do with her.  The woman was the cause of a rift between he and his kids that lasted years.  Welcome to the past again Scott.  It’s what you always wanted.

Where is the joy?  I know in my head I’m lucky to be out.  As my friend said last night, I’m glad it happened, it needed to happen for you to get away from him.  He’s really a loser.  You deserve so much better.  You make loving you so easy.  And he just couldn’t see it.

I’m better this morning.  I am moving away from all of it.  It’s like a car wreck, and even though I was shaken and bruised, I am basically unscathed.  My soul is intact.  I still know who I am, and where I’m going and what I want, and I know I’ll find it. He loves the car wreck, it’s where he wants to live.  He likes to live close to the edge of the abyss and occasionally see what happens if he falls in.

Once he told me, when talking about being rescued off a sinking fishing boat on Georges Bank or somewhere out in the Atlantic, that he feels the most alive when he’s close to death.  That should have told me everything I need to know about him, shouldn’t it?

Ok, rant for this morning over.  If you made it through this, thank you.  much love.

From Anger to Hurt

Posted on by learning to live like water

This poster is about how it was.  He knew, he didn’t feel it, and he didn’t care.  It had no impact on him at all. He still wanted what he wanted, the effect on me of that was inconsequential in his mind.

Anger has subdued this morning, and turned to a visceral pain. I didn’t sleep well, I was too angry yesterday, and had a hard time calming my psyche for sleep, even though I was also exhausted, after leaving the house at 8, and getting home at 8.  Going to be a long day today.

I don’t understand how a seemingly fairly enlightened man can treat someone the way he treated me. How he could push his agenda, knowing it caused me pain, knowing I didn’t want what he wanted.  I tried and tried to end it in a way we could stay friends, telling him we just wanted different things.  And in the end, he still was trying to come here for the night, even though in the next breath he said he just wanted to be free.  How does he reconcile those two actions?  I have no idea.

He says he has loved women and been hurt by them all.  I wonder….did he treat them all as objects to use for his own gratification?  I have no idea.  He didn’t love me, i knew that.  But I thought he cared about me.  I can’t imagine asking someone to give themselves to you when you know they adore you, and then saying, well it’s nice but I want to be free. That’s caring??  Not in my book.

I feel stupid, then I say, at least I know I can love. At least I know I can feel.  At least I know I am capable of empathy.  I gave myself to him in love.

All winter we would spend the day together, go to breakfast, he would take me places, we would laugh, we’d come back, take a nap, we’d have fun. Then suddenly he stopped, he no longer wanted to do anything.  At first he said he was busy getting his yard in shape in the spring.  But he just stopped cold, anything except “a nice afternoon” or a “Nice night” together. My dreams of summer, that he knew I had, just slipped away.  He was oblivious.  I tried to end it, he pulled me back. Why?

Did it fill his ego to have an adoring woman in the background?  I suppose. He was unconscionable to ask of me what he asked. He knew I was incapable of enjoying that. But I allowed it, a few times, because I missed him.  Finally in the end, I knew the pain I would feel if I allowed it would offset any pleasure it gave me, times10.

It’s over.  I’m sitting with my sadness, and hurt.  By tonight I would expect I will be on a much more even keel, or at least by tomorrow. I am glad I stood my ground, I am happy that I left myself with a shred of dignity.

Onward, as Liz Gilbert says all the time.  Putting one foot in front of the other, making tentative, but real,forward movement.

Tonight I’m Angry

Posted on by learning to live like water

Warning:  This is a little raw.  I’m apologizing up front, but I need to get it out of my head and into the universe, where it will be righted and atoned by the greater consciousness of which we are all part.

Lord I was so pissed off today.  So angry.  Angry at S, more at myself.  At S, because he is who he is.  He’s selfish, self centered, self absorbed, narcissistic  So yeah, I’m mad at him because it was always all about him  I always knew that.  But suddenly, it pisses me off beyond reason.

Mostly, I am furious with myself beyond measure.  He should have been gone with the prison whore.  Why why why???? did I allow him back in my life?  Back then, I went through all the grief, all the tears, that come from loving and trusting someone who would go out and fuck a stranger.  And why did he even tell me, if he was never gonna do it again?  To hurt me, that’s why.  Because no good was going to come out of it, but he didn’t need to tell me, unless he was gonna do it again and again.

But no I let him back in.  I gave A the boot, when A had shown up in my life simultaneously with the prison whore, and A made me feel beautiful, and valuable, and precious, and loved…  WTF was I thinking???  A STILL makes me feel that way, every day when we talk, or text.  The fact that I sent him away, and acted like an ass, and hurt him, did not change how he felt about me.  If he wasn’t on the road constantly, by his choice, “seeing America”, satisfying his wanderlust, who knows what could develop.  As it is, we are close friends.  I’m beginning to hope his travels bring him back this way sometime.

S once asked me why I would be with him, just because “he loves you.”  As if it was nothing to be loved!!!  Geezus.  Oh no, S.  Much better to have someone fuck you and feel nothing for you, not want to spend a minute with you unless you’re in bed.  Who’s there for their own satisfaction, and could care less about yours.  Much nicer to be in love with someone who doesn’t want you in their life, doesn’t want their kids to know about you, or their friends.  Who wants you to be their fucking secret.  Literally.

And this is why I’m furious with myself.  WHY did I think ANY of this was ok?  WHY did I think so little of myself?

I slid right into the mold my ex “groomed” me for all those years.  The “be used and abused” mold.  He abused me beyond compare.  S used me beyond compare.  Twins from different mothers.

Don’t worry.  I will stop beating myself up about this.  But not until the lesson is ingrained into my psyche enough that I will never ever allow a man to use me again.

Saturday night when I woke with the stomach ache, and I threw up one time and it was over, I felt fine the rest of the night, I couldn’t figure out what caused it.  I ate the exact same things my son did, all day, except we ordered different food at the restaurant, but it was well cooked, hot, the plates were so hot you couldn’t touch them.  I had a drink that my son didn’t have at home but just one.  Today, a friend at work said “maybe it has to do with S”…

And I thought about it…the emotional component of vomiting according to Louise Hay in You Can Heal Your Life, is “violent rejection of ideas.”  Yep, that about covers it.  I violently reject the idea of having sex with someone I don’t care about or who doesn’t care about me.  I violently object to a man coming to my house to fuck me like a common whore. All the anger I was trying not to release because I was afraid I’d never stop screaming, came violently out of me in the middle of the night, 24 hours after.

I guess the anger will come and go.  Like it did with the prison whore.  But I won’t be caught in that web again.  If I never talk to him, never see him, never hear his voice, it will be too soon.

And So I Am

Posted on by learning to live like water

I’m still angry this morning.  At hm for continuing to push his agenda that I clearly stated I didn’t want. For months I have stated it. For months he has continued.  The last time he came to me with the understanding that we’d spend the day together.  And then he changed his mind in the morning, and left me.   Disrespect.  Selfishness.  Egocentric.  UGH.

I’m angry at myself, for continuing to offer him my whole self, when it clearly was not wanted or appreciated.  For not walking away for good.  Oh I walked, many times, and when he’d pull me back, I’d willingly go, like some hypnotized zombie.  That’s not who I am.

I wrote just yesterday, that if I’m gonna miss him then let me miss him and get over it and move on, or have the longing fulfilled.  I will, without a doubt, get over it and move on.  Because that’s what I do.  I don’t waste a lot of time grieving over what never could be.  I’ll give it all I have, to make it work.  Once I come to terms with the reality that it will never work, I’ll walk and never look back.  I’m about 100 miles away now, with a lot more walking in front of me, and the view is lovely,.

I sent him a text last night, telling him not to try to reach me.  To find a hooker if he’s horny (because that way he can have sex with no attachment).  Then I blocked him, just to make sure I wasn’t disturbed.

Maybe he won’t try.  I hope.  I  hope he goes off and does his “being free” thing.  That’s what I’m gong to do.  Be free until I find someone who wants what I have to offer, and offers what I want to have.  I know he’s out there somewhere.

Just to prove my point, I got a text from A yesterday, who is staying in the Michigan UP, and has very erratic phone service.  He said, “I miss wishing you good morning and good night every day.  It’s just such a nice way to start and end a day.”

WTF was I doing, attaching myself to someone who is incapable of a thought like that?

This is how I sit with my anger.  I write about it, and then it disappears.  Ok, vent over for now.  I may have one or two more as I continue my walk, but eventually, I’ll be back in that happy place all the time.

Closing That Door

Posted on by learning to live like water

I swear, next time I want to believe that maybe S cares for me, I hope someone slaps me upside the head.  Hard.  All week, and particularly today, based on our flirty conversations via text, I thought we were gonna spend some real time together this weekend.  Flirty, intimate conversation.

I thought, because he had asked me if I had plans for this evening, followed by a big smiley face, that I’d see him tonight and tomorrow.  Why?  Because I have told him, unequivocally, that I don’t want want to be together for the just the night.  If he doesn’t want to spend the day with me like he did all winter, don’t bother.

Well, I heard from him at 2:30, kept waiting for directives about tonight/this weekend, because when I make plans he tells me I am pushing.  I didn’t hear from him again until about 7:30.  5 hours, I was waiting to figure out what I am doing this weekend.  He’s been so sick, but he felt well enough to go to a car show.  A car show.  He said he wanted to test how he felt walking around.  See if he got dizzy, and nauseous   Bullshit.  He wanted to go to the car show.  And I wasn’t important enough in his life for him to tell me. He knew I’d be sitting there waiting, like some fucking fool.  Must have had a good laugh at my expense.  Filled that empty space called an ego right up with my fucking adoration.

He said, when I heard from him at 7:30, that he wanted to drive up here to talk, but that even if he ended up spending the night, he’d leave in the morning.  I told him don’t bother.  Not interested in sleeping with someone who doesn’t want to spend any other time with me.

All fucking winter I dreamed about going to the beach with him, spending a great day, coming home, spending a lovely night with him.  All fucking winter.  It’s August.  Hasn’t happened yet.

Saturday he has stuff to do.  Oh and like that’s special.  No one who owns a house and works has anything to do on the weekend.  No just S, he’s so special. Sunday he likes to keep for “himself”.  So guess what?  He can’t fit me into his busy life.  Well, guess what else, I could, fit him in.  But I no longer want to.  I’ll find someone who has time for me outside of the bedroom.  Feel like a stupid idiotic teenager who bought a bunch of empty promises in exchange for her virginity.

Cut me to the chase.  Blindsided.  Broken.  Bruised. Beat.  How many times do I have to repeat myself?  It’s not what I want. If you don’t want a relationship with me that involves doing things together, spending time together not in bed,I’m not your woman.  Geezus.  I am so sick of allowing myself to get sucked in again.  I’m an idiot.

He told me the reason he doesn’t want to be in a relationship is not because he doesn’t want to be with me but that he wants to be free.  Then GO.  Be free S.  That doesn’t mean having me in the background to deal with you when you’re horny. You need to get laid? Go find a prison whore.

Be free.  I’ll be free.  I’ll find someone who wants me, for me, who wants to love me, who loves what I have to offer.  Who won’t take someone’s precious love for them and treat it like it’s a hamburger from MickeyD’s.

Be free.  Be dark.  Be whatever the fuck you want S.  But you won’t be in my heart.  Not any more.  I’m gonna somehow forget I loved you, and wanted to be part of your life.  And I won’t look back.

The psychic told me when I close the wrong doors, the right ones will open.  I’m all about closing the doors.  The S door is now officially closed.

Staightening Out the Mess I Created

Posted on by learning to live like water

103

I had a rough day yesterday.  Feelings of being taken for granted permeated my brain, my being, from the people at work, to S.  I was angry by the afternoon.

At work, the lead admin is on vacation.  Her desk is deemed the most important admin job because she supports the sales of our biggest, main product. When she is gone, I cover her desk.  I have always done this, no one else knows how to do it.  Of course, no one covers mine while I cover hers, and my work generally gets behind.  This time, it has fallen way behind because we are all unbelievably busy.  My boss seems to be oblivious to it all, and just keeps piling tasks on me, which someone else could do but he’s afraid they will get mucked up.  I’m  afraid they won’t get done at all.  Anyway, the pressure got to me yesterday of expectations and realistic capabilities and I began to fold.

I heard from S, in his ever to be playful way.  He felt better yesterday, but not great.  I asked something of him that my ego wanted, just to feel like I mattered in a certain way.  I ended up in angry with him, because he doesn’t do on-demand things, ever, and I wanted, needed it.

Last night I had a dream, that I was at a table, maybe a luncheon, in a house where my sis lives in Florida.  And all these wonderful spiritual teachers were there.  We were talking and walking outside with each other, it was amazing.  Lots of crystal jewelry, I remember especially one woman’s beautiful fluorite broach.  Fluorite is one of the most healing of stones.  And someone came and gave me a card, and it was from S, and all I remember it saying was that he loved me, in his own handwriting.  Which he has never said to me, and which I suspect from time to time, but then he will say he doesn’t want to be in love.  And when he backs off I am sure he doesn’t love me, and when he pulls me back, I think he must or why would he do this?

This morning, I did my Byron Katie thing on my thought about him.

1. Do I know it’s true?  Yes.

2. Do I know absolutely that it’s true.  No.  I can never ever know for sure what goes on in his  head. (or anyone’s for that matter.)

3.  How do I feel when I think that thought?  Bereft, lonely, sad, unloved, uncared for, used, abused, broken hearted.

4.  And how would I feel without that thought?  Happy, content, most likely still crazy about him.

So, all that angst over something that may or may not be true.  I went to see my best friend’s daughter in West Side Story last night, S called me on the way there, and I was mean, I was still angry.  Yet when I got out of the play, there was a text asking me to call him when I got home.  So do I believe I don’t matter to him, when he is able to get through my angst and still want to talk to me?  It seems like I should let him speak for himself, and stop imposing my belief, which is not coming from my best self, on him.

As it was, when I called  him I woke him, and just told him to go back to sleep, we could talk today.  Because it was late, he’s been so sick, and I was tired.  It was nice to hear his voice.

I think that loving someone I see so sporadically is playing with me.  I need to either shit or get off the pot with this relationship.  Either we have one or not, I want to be done questioning where we stand with each other.  If I’m gonna miss him so much, either let me miss him and get over it and move on, or let the longing be fulfilled by seeing him on a regular basis.  For me there is no in between.

So, S, if you read this, I’m sorry for spiraling into the stratosphere yesterday.  There may have been underlying reasons that were valid, but I didn’t need to go where I went.

It’s going to be a perfect beach weekend.  I hope, maybe, dream, maybe that I’ll finally get to spend a perfect summer beach day with him at one of the beautiful places he took me in the winter.  I suppose it will depend on a lot of things.  In the end, my heart aches to be with him.

Now if I can just get through today at work, without a meltdown, I think I will be ok.  The picture is from one of the beautiful beaches we went to in the winter.  I will end with Ho’oponopono.

I’m sorry.

Please forgive me

Thank you.

I love you.

Taking Stock

Posted on by learning to live like water

I guess I am taking stock of where I am.  How am I doing, really, after the nasty break up?  And not talking to S all week.

I have to say, I’m ok.  I find myself a little pissed off at him from time to time, but then, it’s really at myself. Not like anyone couldn’t have seen it coming.  I loved him, enough that I put blinders on to the red flags.  I am beginning to get used to the texts not being from him, when my alert goes off.  And it doesn’t bring a pang of sadness either.  I don’t know why, but I am sitting on my deck, it’s evening, and for some reason I keep feeling like he’s going to be walking up the steps any minute, but I know damned well he is not, and I don’t want him to.  Just a feeling.  Maybe he’s thinking about me, or something.  Maybe I’m making it up, lol.  Just that we had that kind of connection, and just because part of it is over, doesn’t mean the connection is broken.  It would be easier if it was.  And maybe it is, it just needs time to deactivate.

I have been so angry at him, for being so ugly, and for the way he sucked me back in, only to hurt me.  Why apologize to me, and say you will never do those things again, when that is so far from your intention. The last day I saw him, we lay in bed and fell asleep.  He had a hold of my hand, and every time I tried to move it, he grasped it tighter.  Why?  Just because he could?  And because he could make me think there was something there?

There wasn’t.  Not anything.  Yet I believed over and over again that there was.  Because I wanted to.  Because what was an illusion was what I dreamed of.  He knew, and he played me, to get what he wanted.  Then he unplayed me, again, to get what he wanted.  And me, the willing participant.

Sigh.  I am not really hurting, just reviewing my part in this.  How I allowed myself to be used, and thus abused. How can I blame him, he loves the dark side.  It is exactly what someone who craves that would do.  Powerful ego.  Drives him to prove to himself he can do it, I guess.  Wow.  Cool.  Ugly.

I don’t regret that I loved him.  It’s never a bad thing to put love out into the world.  And he needs love probably more than anyone I ever met.  I love being in love.  I just hope next time, that it’s real, that the object of my affection feels somewhat the same, and has no desire to manipulate me to make himself feel good.  I hope I see the signs and believe them, and am a little more pragmatic.

I’ve been talking to A quite a bit since he kind of came apart on me the other night.  But we are more close friends, even though he occasionally says he wishes I were there with him, or he here with me.  He’s just lonely, it’s been just he and his son for 3 months now, except for short stays with friends or relatives.  And A likes the company of a woman.  It’s nice to have a male friend who tries to make me feel good about myself.

So, how am I doing?  I’m fine.  It’s requiring a little more introspection than I thought it would.  I mean, I was trying to end that relationship for weeks, and he kept drawing me back in with his illness, with his apology.  Just so he wouldn’t have to feel like I dumped him.  Why go there?  I kept telling him we wanted different things.  He kept saying I had no idea what he wanted.  Well, I do.  I did then, and I do now.  He wants to grieve his angel of darkness for the rest of his days, and see how many women he can bed while he does it.  More power to him.  I will not be among the many.