Tag Archives: blessings

Blessed, Just Blessed

Posted on by learning to live like water

It’s the day after, lol.  I am exhausted, but happy.  Sitting in my sisters gorgeous home on the side of mountain, it looks like a castle, and feels like one.  I feel like a princess at the moment.

The wedding was the happiest most wonderful experience I have had in so long.  Years, maybe.  My whole family, except my son and my mother, are here.  My sisters, nieces and nephews, and old family, my ex brother-in-law and his awesome new wife, his sister and her husband, my current brother-in-laws family, his daughter and son. Friends of my niece that I haven’t seen in 30 years or so.

We were cracking up, saying it’s just a lovefest when we are all together.  So much laughter, hugging, catching up, and in this gorgeous setting.  The wedding was at the log cabin I put up a pic of in my last blog, it’s another of my sister’s beautiful homes.

The vows took place at 5 pm under an arbor built on the dock in the lake.  There was a bar set up on an overturned john boat down near the lake, with wine, beer and hot apple cider.  Up near the house was a huge tent, heated, with a dance floor, dj and tables for 160 people.  There was another bar near the house, and appetizers everywhere that my sis had planned and we had all pitched in to put together.  The dinner was a buffet BBQ.  Perfect.

The weekend was so what I needed. To be surrounded by people whose values, and life experiences are shared, and are the basis for all our interactions.  We have all had our setbacks, we have all dealt with adversity, tragedy, but our love for each other overrides all else.  I had forgotten how my little sis can make me laugh.  She’s the one person that with me, can get hysterical and we can’t stop laughing.  It was joyous.

My older sis just did so much work for this day.  She had everything laid out perfectly.  She had a minute by minute itinerary, so that nothing would be forgotten.  (Although, my little sis and I are so much more laid back, we were laughing saying to each other “our sister had some control issues.”  because when she tasked us with getting the cheese trays for 160 people ready, she wanted to tell us exactly how to cut the cheese into cubes, lol )  But she is beautiful, smart, funny, and only she in our family could have pulled this off.  Not to mention between the two houses, there were bedrooms enough for all the immediate family.

At one point after dinner, in the tent, I was watching the dancing and “We are family” came on.  I got up and ran to my two sisters, and we danced together, to “We are family, I got all my sisters and me.”  We included in our dance circle, where we had our arms entwined, everyone who cared to join us and brought in everyone we could find.  We all felt like family. I am so blessed.  Just so blessed.

I got a few nice texts from A, hoping I was having a good time, and making me laugh.  I got a nice voice mail from a man I spoke to last week, also wishing me a wonderful weekend, and saying he hoped to meet me when I got back.  And a text from yet a man who has asked me to call him when I get back.  I have let go of the past, I am so looking forward to the future, and letting the old stuff just rest in the realm of life experiences.  I am good with it all.

I think I’m being redundant, here, lol.  I think I said that last blog, but it is so true.  At the end of the day, we only gain from each life experience.

And so, onward.  Life is indeed wonderful.

A Time of Transformation.

Posted on by learning to live like water

  

The sun comes up so much later in just the last 2 weeks.  I’m outside before it, again.  There is a wee, crescent moon, a single star hidden behind the leaves of the tress and the eastern horizon is lighting up pink, fading to gray blue in a cloudless sky.  It is cool, but not cold, about 68 degrees.  No blanket needed this morning, the cool air fees lovely on my bare arms.

I still have a ball in the pit of my stomach, and food is still difficult though I am able to eat without feeling like I’m going to get sick.  I think now, it is not so much pain, but is so much regret, and confusion, and inability to comprehend what this whole past weekend was about.

First, the snake. I knew that the metaphysical meaning of a snake showing up in your life meant change.  I just looked it up for a closer look, at the meaning, it’s been a long time.  Here is what I found.

“Transmutation is the key word here. The shedding of old skin and emotions and transforming them into something bigger and better. If Snake winds itself into your life know that change is in the wind and that you are at the center of it all as the catalyst. Make sure that your intentions are clear and that you have clear a clear sense of the direction that you need to strike out in. Snake is letting you know that these changes are safe and that there is no need to fear them.”

And another site.

“The snake animal meaning is powerfully connected to life force and primal energy. In many cultures, it is revered as a powerful totem representing the source of life. When the snake spirit animal appears in your life, it likely means that healing opportunities, change, important transitions, and increased energy are manifesting.”

So, believing that there are no coincidences, I should probably look at the snakes appearance in my life in the very middle of all the weekend chaos, as a sign, that there is huge change coming, and not to be afraid of it.  That, combined with the message from the Secret Scrolls that I  published a couple days ago, which both said the same thing.  I need to lose the fear of change.

I sat last night, after I published my last blog on wanting to know the truth, and rolled around the events of the day and the weekend.  I am not meaning to be obsessed.  This is a habit I got into when I was married to a man who delighted in being devious, and loved to gaslight me, and just see if he could create a situation that would make me believe all the wrong things.  He did it for the pure joy of knowing he could control my mind and emotions.  So, I learned to read the signs, to be hypervigilant, to do my best to stay one step ahead of him.

In replaying everything last night, I still know that the conversation I had with S was not the truth.  That it was far from the truth. And that it’s design was to lead me into some chaotic path, back to him, without him having to own up to whatever it was he had planned, designed, and carried out.

Maybe it was like I said, they were together, it didn’t work out, and he was backtracking, to undo the damage he had done. Maybe the entire scenario was a fabrication, right from the start, maybe he never talked to  her at all, but made this up because he knows how jealous I am, to reassure himself that I still wanted him, and to get me to stop with ending the relationship.  I had been publishing all week prior to the appearance of Betty Boop, that I was done with the screwy relationship, that caused way more pain than pleasure for me.  Nothing adds up to him receiving a call  from her, telling me she’s back in his life, I should be happy for him, and it’s all he ever wanted, and then telling me they have just talked for a week.  I believe either they got together, hence me not hearing from him all weekend, and suffering all weekend, because he just didn’t give a damn, he was so caught up in the possibility that she was “back in his life”, or he made the whole thing up to keep me from breaking  up with him.

I have the voicemails still, that he left telling me he wished I’d be happy for him.  But I don’t want to listen to them again.  In my memory, they seem genuine, his voice seems as if he’s not acting.  But then again, he’s good at taking on roles,

The point this morning is, it doesn’t matter to me right now exactly what happened.  I know I don’t have the truth, and what the truth is doesn’t matter nearly as much as the fact that I was lied to.  And that is only equal with the fact that he knew how much pain I was in all weekend, and did nothing at all to ease it.

He is incapable of loving, but even more important he cannot empathize, he has no ability to understand another person’s pain, and he cannot stand to be accountable for the consequences of his actions.  Childish, immature, and so far from the man I thought he was, and so far from the man I want.

Back to the snake, I know the ball in the pit of my stomach is the transformation which has begun.  My transformation, out of this relationship, to open the door in a real way to a better, happier life.  It is letting go of something I held dear for a long time, and had dreams around, but every minute the fog is burning off my psyche and I see the truth a little bit better.  As it comes into focus, I will heal.

This morning, even though I can look at what happened and still feel enormous anger at S, I have to feel sorry for him too, that he felt compelled to make up a story to me, rather than tell the truth.  That he has so little confidence in who he is, that he can’t be real, even with me, who never asked him for anything except love which was the one thing I could not have. I hope he does what he’s been telling me he needs to do for 6 months, and that is to go and find  himself.  Find what he wants, find what he needs to be, and do with the years remaining on this earth.  He has so much potential, but he sets himself up for failure in his belief that he is not worthy of love and belonging.  I thought I could help him learn to believe that he has value because he exists, for no other reason.  But I can’t, couldn’t.  He needs to find that out for himself, to love himself.  He needs to learn to silence his ego, and allow his spirit to lead the way.  Then there is a possibility he will be able to love another person and not cause them both endless pain.

The sun is up now.  It promises to be a hot late summer day.  This time of year, I always think, is this the last hot day until next summer?  Will I feel the waves of warm moist heat on my skin again for many months? Every warm day in September is a blessing.  It is a good time for change, for transformation.  The autumn here is known for it’s beauty, the hills and mountains heavily wooded, covered with red, and gold, and orange, and still some green.  It can be breathtaking.

I would like to have my breath taken away by something beautiful for a change.

Note:  the picture at the top is from my deck as I wrote this blog.

We Can Always Choose Love

Posted on by learning to live like water

This morning I listened to Deepak Chopra say “If we have a choice between love and grievance, we can always choose love.”  He went on to talk about noticing and allowing into our hearts the abundance of love all around us.

So I began my meditation with that thought, because although I sit out here on my deck alone, I can feel love from many sources.  It gives me strength.  Then I took that strength and focused on visualizing my good health, my financial abundance, selling my house for what I need to get for it, finding the perfect spot in Florida.  Maybe even finding the love of my life.

Asking, believing and receiving.  Three simple steps to achieving the life you want.  I’m going back to that place, so simple yet so effective it has been in my life.

I had this surgery with no pain, and honestly, there have been other rather profound changes in my life, in my psyche, that have occurred in these last 4 days,  None of them painful.  Just forward motion. It’s a good experience, to be able to close a book and open another without a huge amount of drama.

Breathing deeply, and counting my blessings.  Sending love and light to all.

A Refresher Course

Posted on by learning to live like water

 

I had a bad week this past week.  Stress over surgery, stress over work, stress over missing more work, over the insurance paying for the surgery…

Man, I did an absolutely awesome job of attracting negative energy to myself. Geezus.

Since I got home yesterday, I have watched TED talks, and documentaries, all of a spiritual nature.  Although all different, they all end up with the same message….all we really need is love.  To love ourselves, especially.  And to be grateful.  To believe that the universe conspires to make our thoughts become things.

Which is where I have fallen down, of late.

When I was going through that long, contentious divorce, and I was broke, and  I had an 18  yr old son with a broken ankle from a bad car accident (2 cars, totaled), lots of hospital bills, no longer got child support, no assistance from his father with the broken ankle bills, and every asset my ex and I had accumulated in our 32  year marriage was in his name, every single one, and he wasn’t sharing….Every day I would write a list of what I was grateful for.  And I would state unequivocally that I knew that my abundance would come to me, that the universe was working on getting it to me in the most efficient way possible, and that I knew  beyond a shadow of a doubt that it just had not manifested yet.

And every time I was really dead broke, some money came from somewhere, from unexpected places, at times utterly blowing my mind.

Tonight, I watched “The Secret”.  I have the book, I get the newsletter but never watched the movie.  It was such a good refresher course.  Thoughts do become things, and I know it, for God’s sake I am living proof.  I own my home, and my son is with me and has turned out to be a great young man, because simply I dreamed about it, and believed it would happen.  I would add, that I never wished ill upon my ex either, because the universe only hears the ill will that you are thinking about, and that would attract it to me.  He, on the other hand, obsessed about ruining me, ruining my relationship with my son.  It was all he thought about for 4 years.  And now…he has ruined himself, he has no relationship with our son.  What he thought about was what he got.

But this last week….I was worry worry worry.  I was sure everything bad that could happen would happen. And it did.  Going to the surgery center yesterday, I was terrified.  My blood pressure, normally about 115/65 was 144/85 or something.  They left me alone for about 10 or 15 minutes as they prepped the OR.  I closed my eyes and forced myself into a deep meditation.  As I calmed, I reassured myself it would all go fine.  I did a little self-reiki.

When they came in to get me, the ball of emotion in my solar plexus was gone, and since then, I have been doing the work, reminding myself over and over again, about love and gratitude, and energy work, and how thoughts become things.

Starting to feel myself again, thankfully.   Remembering to read and think and type the things about which I have passion, which bring me joy.  If you feel good, you will attract good to you. I don’t think the universe can do anything but that.  The law of attraction is a physical law of the universe, applying to everything in it.  Thoughts too.

In the words of Mike Dooley, (www.tut.com, daily Notes from the Universe) “Thoughts become things.  So think the good ones.”

A Little Closer to Not Working

Posted on by learning to live like water

I just talked to my mother. She’s 94, living in a memory care facility in Florida. She is not happy there, even though hospice workers tell us that it’s one of the best in the area. She wants to be with her family, which is what we would all hope if we make it to 94. But she had a major stroke last fall, and cannot speak, read, or write and is partially paralyzed on her right side. Sad, she was an English teacher, and an avid reader. We used to talk for ages about the books we were reading. Mom needs care 24/7. I wish it weren’t so, because no matter how good the facility, at least down there, the aide to patient ratio is about 20 to 1, and the aides just can’t spend time with her, and time is all she craves. I get so sad thinking about it, imagine never being able to ask a question, voice an opinion, take part in any activities. I asked her if there were things for her to do tonight, and she said, “Oh yes….” which was a good sign. She can usually answer yes and no questions, which is what I try to ask her, and then she babbles unintelligibly until you ask another question.

Her voice was weak tonight, very soft, and quiet. It’s never been like that before. It makes me so sad. I so wish I already lived in Florida. She would be happy at this place if we could come visit her every day. My little sis is going to see her next week. I’m happy about that.

My vacation is whittling down to the last couple of days. Tomorrow I have a party for which I had to make an appetizer and dessert. I made “Pecan Cloud” cookies, which are really just baked meringue with pecans in them. They are so good!!! For an appetizer, I got some proscuitto, fresh peaches, arugula and blue cheese. You layer the peaches with the arugula and blue cheese and wrap the proscuitto around it. They are really good.

Then another friend texted me about doing something on Sunday, it’s going to be 90. We made tentative plans to do something, we will decide at the party tomorrow. Because the rest of our crowd will be there. Probably be about 60 people, it will be fun. Sunday will probably be the beach, or maybe my friend’s boat.

I have had such a nice vacation. Trip to the Adirondacks, Newport, a party, the beach, great weather. Good friends, saw S one evening, and had a couple days at home, to do stuff around here and relax, Reading, writing. It’s all good.

Except Mom. I wish she was happy.

And except, I want to retire more than ever. To spend my days as I feel like, and to be closer to my mother.

Thoughts on a Summer Morning

Posted on by learning to live like water

If it doesn't open

I had plans to go to the ocean today.  I was going to go very early, and watch the water world awaken.  I even had my bag packed with a towel, sunscreen and a book.  I was going by myself, to renew my spirit after last week.

But my body had different ideas.  I woke in the night with a terrible stomach ache, and it took me some time to get back to sleep.  I ended up sleeping past the time I had wanted to be sitting at the water’s edge, on this blue blue morning.  Now if I go, I will sit in traffic, there will be a line to get in, and the beach will be crowded. So I stayed home.  Another day, another time.

I had planned to be there at about 7:30, and come home around noon.  Because I have a lot to do at home since I will be gone next weekend, to visit an old and treasured friend in the Adirondack’s of NY.  She and I have been friends since we were 12.  We grew up in the midwest, it is a blessing to have an old close friend 4 hours away.

I feel peaceful this morning.  Full of gratitude on this lovely perfect summer morning.  Sitting on my deck, overlooking the trees that border my yard, smelling the lavender that grows at the bottom of the few steps to my deck.  There is peace here.

There is no more angst or anger over S.  The whole relationship is receding, quickly.  It hasn’t been there, in reality, in months, so I’m finding it slides away easily, after the first 12 hours.  It was a dream I had, and now I have a new one.  It’s as simple as that.  I’ve had lots of dreams in my life, some worked out, some didn’t.  The ones that did renewed my faith, the ones that didn’t taught me a lesson, so that when I choose a new dream, I am smarter, wiser. I saw the poster at the top of this blog on FB today, and thought, yes, I should have stopped trying to open that door a long time ago.  As should he.have.

I have to say he was honest, though.  He wrote the poem below a few weeks ago.  Even though he was still trying to have sex with me.  His world is different from mine.  That kind of thing happens between friends, or even strangers,  in his world, when there is nothing else going on.  For me, it is a celebration of connection, I could never lower it to a status of a physical need, fulfilled by anyone who was willing.  His honest assessment of where we were weeks ago was that we were like night and day, and would never be together.  I find that so sad, and empty.  Not the way I want to live my life.  But apparently, he is content this way.  By himself, invulnerable to pain, but also to joy.  To me not to feel would be the saddest thing.  If I hurt, thank God I am capable of hurting, of loving, of desiring.  Any other way of living is like being dead already.  Death will come soon enough.

Catching My Breath

Posted on by learning to live like water

Resting. Sitting back and catching my breath.  It’s been a full, but rather introspective, few days.  Quiet, as thankfully, I have not heard anything from the dark side.  His books were delivered to him today, I just tracked them.  I guess that’s it.  After a year, return the books, and be satisfied with an ugly ending.

I am…satisfied with it. I see now, really, that’s the only way it would end with him.  I mean, he loves the darkness.  It still kind of blows my mind that he consciously chooses that.  I’m grateful that it wasn’t uglier.  I’ve never known anyone who chose darkness and admitted it.

My ex lived in fear of the darkness, but in the end, it finally took him.  He didn’t choose darkness, he just couldn’t figure out how to go to the light.  And now, he can’t understand what happened to his life, and blames everyone and everything except himself.  Or did….I don’t know if that’s still true.  He may have come to terms with the life he chose, now that he’s fallen about as far as he could go.  It gives me no happiness, no pleasure, to see him like this, but it’s his journey, I chose differently.  I have considered calling him, but then I would be sticking my nose in his business.  He knows he can call me, and has done so in the past.

S wanted to know why I thought I was superior because I chose the light.  Superior?   Hardly….But I will say that the light is far superior to the dark.  I am not, just because I chose it. But what I chose?  A single candle can obliterate the darkness. All of our personal power is in the light, in love.  There is none in darkness and fear.

I know this from personal experience, that the universe works through love, that it brings you what you seek in the shortest way possible, once you surrender to it.  Sometimes it comes from exactly the opposite direction you thought it would.

This is what my book is about.  How I discovered the power of unconditional love in my darkest hours.  My biggest fault, I would guess, is that I try to illuminate the path for everyone, and not everyone is open to it.  We each have our own path to walk, and the thing is, even if you choose the darkness….at some time you will be unable to avoid the light. It will surround you, and saturate you, and you will finally have peace.

Counting My Blessings

Posted on by learning to live like water

Sitting out on my deck, having coffee outside this morning. It’s my first time this season.  It’s where I spend my hour to myself every morning when it’s warm enough.  It’s not really warm out yet, it’s ony 50°F, but I have a blanket around my shoulders and the sun is warm on my back.  There are few clouds in the brilliant blue early morning sky.  It promises to be a beautiful day.
There are a few things on my mind this morning.  I did a gratitude meditation, and have so much to be thankful for.  For one, that I have this place to sit and have my coffee.  That my health, while I am diabetic, and arthritic, is actually pretty good.  The diabetes is well controlled, the arthritis seems to be improving as of late.  It is really only in my hands that I have an issue with it.  I haven’t had as much as a cold in maybe a year, and even then, the last cold I had was very minor. So I say, I am blessed with good health.  Nothing that affects my quality of life.
I am grateful for my family.  My son who is doing remarkably well, is healthy, strong.  He has found his niche I think, and is making something of his life.  I’ve worked hard with him to overcome the affects of growing up in an abusive dysfunctional household, and he seems to be emotionally mature.  I am proud of him.  And grateful.
I’m grateful for my two sisters, and my mother.  We have always all been very close, even though we live at great distances from each other. My mother’s stroke, which has left her partially paralzyed and unable to communicate, has stressed and tested the bonds between my sisters and I, but we have always had our base in love and care, and when things get tough, we return to it, for comfort and love.
I am grateful for the presence of S in my life.  He has added a dimension to the joy in my life that seems to balance it.
I am grateful for my family of friends.  Last night I went with a friend to a high school play to see another friend”s daughter.   We got to the high school close to starting time, because we had waited to watch the Kentucky Derby before we went.  The friend whose daughter was in the play greeted us  at the door.  “Go down to the 4th row,” she said.  “You’ll see everyone, there are seats there for you.”  And there in the 4th row were more of our friends, and some of her family, who I am also close to.  I love being part of a group of people who have been best friends for 10 or 15 yars. Blessed.  Just blessed.
I ran into my old next door neighbor at the play.  I knew my old house had been sold in a foreclosure sale.  I am concerned about what my ex will do,he has lived there almost 40 years now.  He does not adapt to change well,which really is the crux of why he lost the home. I also know that he blames me for it all, (because if I hadn’t left him, and he hadn’t had to give me a settlement….yada yada yada) and so I am not in a position to call him and see how he is, what his plans are, to ease my mind that he will recover from this.  I know he is devastated, but I don’t want to be at the receiving end of his anger again, at least, not face to face.  He is probably going to lose his business too.
Truth be told, if I hadn’t left him, and then our son, he would most likely still be drinking, and would have gone through all the money he had to give me, (since he already went through much more money than the amount awarded me) and we would all be facing homelessness.  My being there, working with him was just a form of enablement.
But it’s sad, to see someone with whom you shared so much of your life, get to such a state.  Knowing that there was a time when he, we, could have had everything we ever wanted  Ego and greed and fear destroyed his life.  I pray that someday he’ll see the real reasons why his life unfolded as it did.
But this morning, I turn to gratitude.  That some light shone on me, and I have been able to create a joyful life.  Family, friends, a man who I thoroughly enjoy who boggles my imagination every time I’m with him, a home, a life.  I am blessed.
I can’t remember who said it, but some one said, “If you only have one prayer, let it be Thank you.”  This morning it is Thank you.