Tag Archives: Breaking up

Going to Clean House

Posted on by learning to live like water

Image result for Getting over a broken heart

I was going to do house cleaning anyway, it’s the first day I have been able to since my surgery.  But I am going to empty it of any vestige of him, there will be nothing around to remind me of him.  Except…you know the furniture.  The places we spent time together, the deck, the family room, the bedroom, the kitchen.  Those memories will have to just fade away.

I have some white sage smudge sticks.  I will set one up in every room we spent time in, and clean the energy.  It will help me to forget him.  It will help my anger.  It will help my hurt.  Thank God I have some knowledge of how to deal with energy.

I will ask a friend to send me reiki.  She helped me after the prison whore, when I thought I was gonna die.  She will help me again this time.  I can do self-reiki too.

I can get productive.  I can make plans with friends for tonight.  Hopefully for tomorrow.  and Monday.  But I’m gonna get my house spotless, clean out my garage, if my hand can take it. Gonna sit out on the deck and try to get into a deep meditation, on releasing the past.  Releasing the pain.

I texted with S a little this morning,  I wanted to know how long…he has only talked to her, and for 3 days.  But he stopped answering me, I was a bit to caustic I guess.  But in the same way I wear my heart on my sleeve, I also wear my anger and my pain.  And the truth.  He disappeared.  I don’t care.

That was cool to write.   I DON’T CARE.  It just came out of me with real ease.  Without any thought.  I don’t care.

At least not right now.

I’m so glad my son is gone for the weekend.  I’m so glad he will never have to know about this.  He hates S for the amount he’s hurt me.  Just seriously can’t stand him.  My son has seen me get so hurt in his lifetime, he can’t understand why I would continue to see someone who continues to hurt me, and use me for his own benefit.  And the kid is right.  I’m just glad he’s gone.  I won’t ever tell him, S has not been around in weeks, so he will just leave it be and be glad he isn’t around now.

I’m going to be fine.

Maybe The Universe Is Working in My Behalf.

Posted on by learning to live like water

This is me this morning.

Thank God for Ambien.  After working almost 40 hours in 4 days, I was exhausted.  But….didn’t consider going to bed until about 1 AM.  I was on the phone with a friend out in Montana for hours, crying on her shoulder, venting my anger, my hurt, my pain. I didn’t want to go lay down in the bed that he would  never join me in again.  I was afraid a torrent of raging tears would start that I couldn’t stop.  Somehow I calmed myself and slept for 4 1/2 hours. I guess due to 2 glasses of wine and an Ambien.  Bad to do together, but it worked for me last night.

I called him back, at midnight, or12:30 and asked him if she was there now.  No, he said.  I didn’t even know why I called him. I said, “You piece of shit.  You fucking piece of shit.”  and hung up.  I don’t know why I did it.  I just had, have so much rage.

II called him twice at 3 AM. He didn’t answer. I wanted to know when this happened, how long has he been seeing her.  I want to know if that’s why I never saw  him all summer, why he couldn’t make any plans ever, why he was always wanting to come here to my house, and never me to his.  I feel like I have a right to know how blind and stupid I’ve been and how big an asshole he is.

He said in his voice mail, “It’s all I ever wanted and you knew that.”  WHAT AN ASSHOLE.  No, I did not know that, when he was sleeping with me, talking to me all day long, having intimate conversations with me, begging me to come see him the Sunday before last.  No I did not know that he still was stuck on the fucking woman who tried to break him and abandoned him and took him for all she could.

Was I too strong for him?  I didn’t need him, but oh I wanted him and he knew that.  I loved being with him.  I put my heart on my sleeve and he fucking chewed it up and spit it out last night.  “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

And you didn’t fucking mean not to.  You meant to use me,and what I so willingly offered,to make yourself feel good.  The way it affected me was none of your business I guess.

But then there’s this.  Last Sunday we had a blow up, I just got sick of him calling me stupid because I couldn’t translate the two word texts he was sending me, and ended up misunderstanding him.  Just sick of it.  The wall went up, and I spent the week, trying to get over him.  Sure I would, I didn’t even miss him til yesterday.  I didn’t even see him as the same man til yesterday.

So, maybe, just maybe, this whole thing, the whole week, has been the universe working in my behalf.  Last Sunday was just preparation for him to tell me this last night.  As angry and hurt as I am, had I not spent the week trying to get over him, and move on by myself, last night would have been even worse, so much worse.

And seeing that, looking at that, I feel better.  I feel maybe the Universe is about to bring me what I want, about to open a door that’s been closed, because I couldn’t close the door on S.  Even though he clearly wasn’t actively participating in our whatever it was relationship.

They psychic back in June told me to stand my ground, that when I close the wrong doors the right ones will open.  She didn’t mention that I would have the door slammed in my face, and feel broken again, but still…the door is now shut for good.  I think it was probably necessary for something like this to happen for me to shut it and seal it shut, never to be reopened.

I’ll get over it.  That much I know.  I am still in shock, but I’ll get past it.  He can be with her, and find some more misery to cry about. He can work til he’s 75 to keep her out of debt, probably will pay for her divorce.  That’s probably why she came back.  She married someone very impulsively, she’s unable to manage her money, and can’t afford a divorce, so she’ll probably mooch the money off of him, and he’ll gladly pay some more so the bitch can continue to hurt him.  Stupid idiot.  Who would want someone back that took them for so much?  Someone who is used to being punished by those he loved.

Well that’s not me.  The people I love are given wings to fly.  Even him, when he told me he needed to go find himself.  figure out what he wanted.  I told him to go do it, that I fully supported it.  And what a bunch of bullshit that turned out to be.  The first chance he had, he dove right into the past.  Setting himself up to spend his life in more pain.  He survived liver cancer.  The liver is where we hold all our anger.  So, do I think they had 12 years of bliss together?  Doubtful.

And his daughter, with whom he’s become close…I’m sure she’ll be very happy.  She hates this woman, who she feels broke up her family. He told me, his daughter wanted nothing to do with her.  The woman was the cause of a rift between he and his kids that lasted years.  Welcome to the past again Scott.  It’s what you always wanted.

Where is the joy?  I know in my head I’m lucky to be out.  As my friend said last night, I’m glad it happened, it needed to happen for you to get away from him.  He’s really a loser.  You deserve so much better.  You make loving you so easy.  And he just couldn’t see it.

I’m better this morning.  I am moving away from all of it.  It’s like a car wreck, and even though I was shaken and bruised, I am basically unscathed.  My soul is intact.  I still know who I am, and where I’m going and what I want, and I know I’ll find it. He loves the car wreck, it’s where he wants to live.  He likes to live close to the edge of the abyss and occasionally see what happens if he falls in.

Once he told me, when talking about being rescued off a sinking fishing boat on Georges Bank or somewhere out in the Atlantic, that he feels the most alive when he’s close to death.  That should have told me everything I need to know about him, shouldn’t it?

Ok, rant for this morning over.  If you made it through this, thank you.  much love.

Voice Mails

Posted on by learning to live like water

I finally looked to see if S had left me a voice mail.  I didn’t so much as mean to, but I got a couple of voice mails I needed to listen to and saw there were 13 blocked voice mails, which were from him.  It makes me sad, but resigned to how it is.

I have no anger, no animosity.  He wants to talk.

As he said, in that lovely poem he wrote (which he is or was angry with me for publishing, tho when he gave it to me he told me I could put it up here or I wouldn’t have) “fate has determined that nothing will grow between us.”  I believe this is true, in this moment, the present moment.  We have talked about our issues dozens of times, on my deck, in  his living room, at the park where we met.  There is no resolution, now.  I want something he doesn’t.  I want a relationship where I am part of my lovers life, in all ways.  I don’t want a superficial sexual relationship with a friend.  He wants to be free, to see the world through his own eyes, without anyone else’s input.

I get that, I do.  But we have to go our separate ways for now.  If he gets tired of that journey, maybe then we’ll have something to talk about..  Right now, there is nothing more to say, and seeing and talking to him will not change it.  Our paths came together for awhile, we found comfort with each other, but that fragile tie was stretched to the breaking point this summer.  By me wanting more, by him wanting less.  It snapped, it broke.  It’s over, as it was.  It’s over for now, unless one of us does some major changing regarding what we want in life, and that won’t be me.  I know what I want, have known for a long time, years. One of my constant prayers is that I will know the love of a good man before I die.   I’m not going to change, I’m going to be who I am, and continue on the journey to find and create the life I want.  I know there is someone out there who will join me in that.

I am not going to unblock him.  I don’t want to have even one more conversation about this, about being friends, about how he wants to be free, about how he misses me, etc.  I am not going to commit to any of that right now.  Being friends with him in the past has always left me open to sexual innuendo, flirting, and it sucks me right back in.  So no, for now, no.  Maybe time and distance will change that.  Maybe not.

We can only live in this moment, and for now..the way things are at this moment, the door has to remain closed.

I don’t know what the future holds for anyone.  I can say, yes, I’m going to sell my house and move to Florida.  That’s all I really know right now.  I hope S will take this time to be free, to find himself, to figure out how he wants to live his life out and try to be happy.  I hope he does not get angry with me, but I am standing my ground for my own protection.  Maybe a time will come when I don’t feel I need to, but for now I just want to get away from the memories, the dreams I had for us.  They were only my dreams, not shared by him, not even shared with him because I knew they would push him even farther away.  Now….I think we need to have that space and distance and time, before we can really be friends, not looking for anything but friendship.

And So I Am

Posted on by learning to live like water

I’m still angry this morning.  At hm for continuing to push his agenda that I clearly stated I didn’t want. For months I have stated it. For months he has continued.  The last time he came to me with the understanding that we’d spend the day together.  And then he changed his mind in the morning, and left me.   Disrespect.  Selfishness.  Egocentric.  UGH.

I’m angry at myself, for continuing to offer him my whole self, when it clearly was not wanted or appreciated.  For not walking away for good.  Oh I walked, many times, and when he’d pull me back, I’d willingly go, like some hypnotized zombie.  That’s not who I am.

I wrote just yesterday, that if I’m gonna miss him then let me miss him and get over it and move on, or have the longing fulfilled.  I will, without a doubt, get over it and move on.  Because that’s what I do.  I don’t waste a lot of time grieving over what never could be.  I’ll give it all I have, to make it work.  Once I come to terms with the reality that it will never work, I’ll walk and never look back.  I’m about 100 miles away now, with a lot more walking in front of me, and the view is lovely,.

I sent him a text last night, telling him not to try to reach me.  To find a hooker if he’s horny (because that way he can have sex with no attachment).  Then I blocked him, just to make sure I wasn’t disturbed.

Maybe he won’t try.  I hope.  I  hope he goes off and does his “being free” thing.  That’s what I’m gong to do.  Be free until I find someone who wants what I have to offer, and offers what I want to have.  I know he’s out there somewhere.

Just to prove my point, I got a text from A yesterday, who is staying in the Michigan UP, and has very erratic phone service.  He said, “I miss wishing you good morning and good night every day.  It’s just such a nice way to start and end a day.”

WTF was I doing, attaching myself to someone who is incapable of a thought like that?

This is how I sit with my anger.  I write about it, and then it disappears.  Ok, vent over for now.  I may have one or two more as I continue my walk, but eventually, I’ll be back in that happy place all the time.

Closing That Door

Posted on by learning to live like water

I swear, next time I want to believe that maybe S cares for me, I hope someone slaps me upside the head.  Hard.  All week, and particularly today, based on our flirty conversations via text, I thought we were gonna spend some real time together this weekend.  Flirty, intimate conversation.

I thought, because he had asked me if I had plans for this evening, followed by a big smiley face, that I’d see him tonight and tomorrow.  Why?  Because I have told him, unequivocally, that I don’t want want to be together for the just the night.  If he doesn’t want to spend the day with me like he did all winter, don’t bother.

Well, I heard from him at 2:30, kept waiting for directives about tonight/this weekend, because when I make plans he tells me I am pushing.  I didn’t hear from him again until about 7:30.  5 hours, I was waiting to figure out what I am doing this weekend.  He’s been so sick, but he felt well enough to go to a car show.  A car show.  He said he wanted to test how he felt walking around.  See if he got dizzy, and nauseous   Bullshit.  He wanted to go to the car show.  And I wasn’t important enough in his life for him to tell me. He knew I’d be sitting there waiting, like some fucking fool.  Must have had a good laugh at my expense.  Filled that empty space called an ego right up with my fucking adoration.

He said, when I heard from him at 7:30, that he wanted to drive up here to talk, but that even if he ended up spending the night, he’d leave in the morning.  I told him don’t bother.  Not interested in sleeping with someone who doesn’t want to spend any other time with me.

All fucking winter I dreamed about going to the beach with him, spending a great day, coming home, spending a lovely night with him.  All fucking winter.  It’s August.  Hasn’t happened yet.

Saturday he has stuff to do.  Oh and like that’s special.  No one who owns a house and works has anything to do on the weekend.  No just S, he’s so special. Sunday he likes to keep for “himself”.  So guess what?  He can’t fit me into his busy life.  Well, guess what else, I could, fit him in.  But I no longer want to.  I’ll find someone who has time for me outside of the bedroom.  Feel like a stupid idiotic teenager who bought a bunch of empty promises in exchange for her virginity.

Cut me to the chase.  Blindsided.  Broken.  Bruised. Beat.  How many times do I have to repeat myself?  It’s not what I want. If you don’t want a relationship with me that involves doing things together, spending time together not in bed,I’m not your woman.  Geezus.  I am so sick of allowing myself to get sucked in again.  I’m an idiot.

He told me the reason he doesn’t want to be in a relationship is not because he doesn’t want to be with me but that he wants to be free.  Then GO.  Be free S.  That doesn’t mean having me in the background to deal with you when you’re horny. You need to get laid? Go find a prison whore.

Be free.  I’ll be free.  I’ll find someone who wants me, for me, who wants to love me, who loves what I have to offer.  Who won’t take someone’s precious love for them and treat it like it’s a hamburger from MickeyD’s.

Be free.  Be dark.  Be whatever the fuck you want S.  But you won’t be in my heart.  Not any more.  I’m gonna somehow forget I loved you, and wanted to be part of your life.  And I won’t look back.

The psychic told me when I close the wrong doors, the right ones will open.  I’m all about closing the doors.  The S door is now officially closed.

Taking Stock

Posted on by learning to live like water

I guess I am taking stock of where I am.  How am I doing, really, after the nasty break up?  And not talking to S all week.

I have to say, I’m ok.  I find myself a little pissed off at him from time to time, but then, it’s really at myself. Not like anyone couldn’t have seen it coming.  I loved him, enough that I put blinders on to the red flags.  I am beginning to get used to the texts not being from him, when my alert goes off.  And it doesn’t bring a pang of sadness either.  I don’t know why, but I am sitting on my deck, it’s evening, and for some reason I keep feeling like he’s going to be walking up the steps any minute, but I know damned well he is not, and I don’t want him to.  Just a feeling.  Maybe he’s thinking about me, or something.  Maybe I’m making it up, lol.  Just that we had that kind of connection, and just because part of it is over, doesn’t mean the connection is broken.  It would be easier if it was.  And maybe it is, it just needs time to deactivate.

I have been so angry at him, for being so ugly, and for the way he sucked me back in, only to hurt me.  Why apologize to me, and say you will never do those things again, when that is so far from your intention. The last day I saw him, we lay in bed and fell asleep.  He had a hold of my hand, and every time I tried to move it, he grasped it tighter.  Why?  Just because he could?  And because he could make me think there was something there?

There wasn’t.  Not anything.  Yet I believed over and over again that there was.  Because I wanted to.  Because what was an illusion was what I dreamed of.  He knew, and he played me, to get what he wanted.  Then he unplayed me, again, to get what he wanted.  And me, the willing participant.

Sigh.  I am not really hurting, just reviewing my part in this.  How I allowed myself to be used, and thus abused. How can I blame him, he loves the dark side.  It is exactly what someone who craves that would do.  Powerful ego.  Drives him to prove to himself he can do it, I guess.  Wow.  Cool.  Ugly.

I don’t regret that I loved him.  It’s never a bad thing to put love out into the world.  And he needs love probably more than anyone I ever met.  I love being in love.  I just hope next time, that it’s real, that the object of my affection feels somewhat the same, and has no desire to manipulate me to make himself feel good.  I hope I see the signs and believe them, and am a little more pragmatic.

I’ve been talking to A quite a bit since he kind of came apart on me the other night.  But we are more close friends, even though he occasionally says he wishes I were there with him, or he here with me.  He’s just lonely, it’s been just he and his son for 3 months now, except for short stays with friends or relatives.  And A likes the company of a woman.  It’s nice to have a male friend who tries to make me feel good about myself.

So, how am I doing?  I’m fine.  It’s requiring a little more introspection than I thought it would.  I mean, I was trying to end that relationship for weeks, and he kept drawing me back in with his illness, with his apology.  Just so he wouldn’t have to feel like I dumped him.  Why go there?  I kept telling him we wanted different things.  He kept saying I had no idea what he wanted.  Well, I do.  I did then, and I do now.  He wants to grieve his angel of darkness for the rest of his days, and see how many women he can bed while he does it.  More power to him.  I will not be among the many.

The End of The Line

Posted on by learning to live like water

After I posted my last three blogs yesterday I heard from S via text.  His normal greeting, kind of joking, kidding, laden with sexual innuendo.  I am used to it, but I didn’t play along.  I was not unfriendly, I just don’t want to go there.  Then apparently he read all the blogs while we texted. Or, more correctly while we stopped texting.  When I heard from him again, he was upset over the blogs, tho would give me no specifics.

I told him I wished he would stop reading them.  That his reading them makes me feel like I need to censure what I say for his benefit.  But I don’t..I won’t.  I need to write what is on my mind without fear of repercussion, it is my way of working through things.  But him reading the blogs, and my feelings on our difficult relationship, has caused so many problems.

I got silence.  He did not respond to me.  I knew he was angry.  I re-read them quickly, but really didn’t think they were offensive.  Maybe the reblog of “Exhausted” could be perceived that way.  Had the tables been turned I would have asked questions, but that’s not his way.

He said, “I am gone.”  I said, “Ok, Love always.”

I was not upset.  He has been gone from this relationship in any real way for a long time, and I have accepted that, and given up any expectation that he would ever care for me in the way I did for him.  And I have also become clear in my own head that I don’t want any part of the push pull game that goes on endlessly between us.  Pulling me to him til he has me, then pushing me away til I am gone. Repeat and repeat ad infinitum.

I guess he made the same decision that I did, that this relationship doesn’t work.  But I don’t know, will never know his real reasons for saying he was gone.  I have been pretty gone since the 4 day silence a week ago. That was the ultimate push me phase, and it sent me far from him.  The conversation this weekend was the beginning of the pull me back to him phase, but it wasn’t happening for me.  I don’t know if he thought it was.

I know very little about his thoughts, he does not share them.  This blog is about my feelings, it is about what I see in our relationship.  It is, because it’s my blog, my viewpoint.  I know he sees things differently, but I don’t know much about his viewpoint.  It’s ok, it’s exhausting to have to wrap my head around him and try to make sense of what he wants when he keeps his silence and his emotional distance from me. I can’t do it any more, and apparently neither can he.

It’s all good.  I am fine.  I accepted the end when I was panic stricken over his health and realized he went to New Jersey and was actually refusing to ease my mind. If truth be told, I was at the end the week before, when I was trying to end it, because I was so unhappy, and the health issues came up, only telling me so I wouldn’t leave him.  It was manipulative to do that, it was cruel to leave me hanging.

I loved him well, I will always love him.  I just accept fully that we are not meant to be.  It was fun for awhile, but it’s not any more.  I needed the relationship to evolve.  It was de-volving in my view.  I think we are at the end here this time.