Tag Archives: letting go

I Can’t Help But Wonder

Posted on by learning to live like water

ethereal cords

I’m home now, with 10 days off.   I wish I could have gone to Florida to see my family but Christmas is the wrong time to fly to Florida.  I’ll go in March for half the price.

I have no big plans for the time.  I think I’ll take my two screen doors and have them re-screened.  Maybe clean up my spare bedroom that I use for storage mainly.  I have to get this house ready to sell in the spring but it at times is just an overwhelming job.  I guess because I’m by myself.

It’s good to have some real downtime, after the chaos of the last couple months.  Emotionally, I want to settle down.  I want off the roller coaster.  Most of the time I think I’m off of it, but sometimes a random thought will send me off. Or a random dream, lol. I don’t want to think about it anymore, I want to move forward.

I haven’t made jewelry in months, and it’s something I love doing.  So, maybe I’ll do some of that.  I’ve been putting all my passion into writing.  It’s really been the way I’ve worked through all the pain that was handed me because I fell in love with a man who is incapable of loving anyone, especially himself.  It made me question myself, to distrust myself.  Made me afraid to put myself out there, because I found myself loving him against the warning signs, despite his own warnings, despite the shoddy way he treated me.

Who was I?  Why did I allow that?

If you believe in past lives, there is a school of thought that we plan out our lives before we are born to experience and learn lessons for the evolution of our souls.  There is a story I heard somewhere, where one soul wanted to reincarnate on the dark side, to learn a lesson only that life could teach him. And he asked his soulmate….not to leave him behind.  To remember who he was, and bring him back from the dark.  In Many Lives, Many Masters, by Dr. Brian Weiss, he talks about groups of people who agree to reincarnate together.  This is for the purpose of helping each other with these lessons, or to work out karmic differences.  His research, and his books, are very convincing.

If you follow this blog, you may know that I have always felt a strong energetic connection to Scott.  I have always seen his soul, and not his personna as a human.  It got me in a lot of trouble!  I was constantly discounting what he did and said and how he treated me, because I felt this connection, that spanned far more than the physical distance between us.  I have always felt I knew him, even before we met.  When we met, on a dating site, he was undergoing chemo.  Instead of saying wow, I’m sorry and going on to the next one, we began to message as friends.  I just felt he was alone, that he had no one.  I had no way of knowing that, how would I?  But it was true.  We just messaged for 2 or 3 months.

I guess this is what made it so hard for me to completely let go, because I still feel like we have history, that doesn’t span much time in this lifetime, but actually spans lifetimes.  I feel like there’s communication going on that I can’t comprehend in human terms, but that brought him into my dreams so vividly that I could smell and hear and feel and taste him.

Scott always claimed to love the darkness.  I loved the light.  We had long discussions about this.  I always told  him….that  a single candle obliterates the darkness.  That the darkness doesn’t rush into the light bulb and make it dark.  Yet, he loves the long days, he pulls all his window shades wide open in the day time to let the light in his house.  I felt he loved the darkness because it allowed him to hide, in this lifetime, in human terms.  But the evidence was there that he loved the light, in his soul.

Yet, when I look at this lifetime, I have to be done with him.  There was no joy in loving him, in the end.  I can love him unconditionally, and only hope that he finds his way.  I can’t bring him out of the darkness that he is comfortable in, it’s a journey he has to undertake by himself, for himself.  Maybe all that has happened in the last few months will redirect him.  I really hope that’s the case.

Still, I feel him, even though I’ve tried cutting the energetic cords.  I know that if cord cutting doesn’t work, it’s said that you aren’t ready to give them up.  I feel like I cut them, it works for awhile, a few days, a week, and then those energetic cords somehow come in and wrap around me, so that suddenly out of the blue, I know that he is stressed, or unhappy, or angry.  It is usually negative emotions I feel from him.  I don’t ever feel that he’s happy.  And then things like the dream…blindsided me.  I was happy, he was not on my mind, I wasn’t feeling anything about him, at all…and he comes into my dream so vividly that I could hear and feel him, and makes me cry.  I could smell him when I woke up, he’d been holding me while I sobbed into  his chest.

I am going to go to the psychic again, and try to get a handle on how to deal with this.  I guess it was healthy that I made it known he isn’t welcome in my dreams, or anywhere.  And that the sadness didn’t carry into my life.  I was only angry that he found a way into my dreams.  But he didn’t make me sad again.  That’s real progress for me.

Just sometimes, I feel like I’d like to stay in touch, in case my soul promised his that I wouldn’t leave him behind, on a level I can’t even understand.  It also would explain a lot about why on a whole different level he couldn’t let go.  In human terms, he loved the adoration from a purely narcissistic view.  But on another level altogether, he was holding on for a completely different reason.

I think I sound a little crazy.  But I think I’ve managed to work out here why I occasionally have to go back and try to figure out what was going on.

I once asked him if he thought we knew each other in a past life.  He said, “Well we won’t know til we leave this life, so why spend time wondering about it?”

But I can’t help it….

 

 

Even in My Sleep, Again. Sigh.

Posted on by learning to live like water

Last night was a kind of tough night.  I’m trying to get off of the Ambien to sleep.  I’m not a good sleeper.  I started taking it when I had carpal tunnel last summer because it allowed me to sleep through some of the pain that condition caused at night.  Then that was immediately followed by the break-up with Scott…and I’ve been taking it ever since.  It seems that no matter how tired I am when I go to bed, the minute the light goes off my brain goes into a busy conversation about everything.  Ambien gives me about 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep, which was such a blessing.  But I know it’s not good to be dependent on it, so I’ve been trying to wean myself.

Last night I didn’t take one. I’d been falling asleep on the couch and I felt like there was nothing going on that would keep me up.  But as usual, I had a hard time getting to sleep, but finally did.  Then I woke up every two hours, did a lot of tossing and turning.

And dreaming.  I normally don’t remember my dreams, but of course….this one woke me up.  I dreamed of him again.  He came here, I could hear the slider to my deck open, and at that point I thought I really heard it.  Then he came up to my room, began snuggling, and then asked me again if I would see him while he was with her (I am pretty sure they aren’t together actually, and won’t be). That part was so real, again, like the last time I dreamed of him.  I felt like he was there.  It feels like a visitation of his spirit or soul, not a dream.  But then some weird, real dream stuff.  It was day, and my cat kept getting outside and chased by male cats.  Scott was severely allergic to my cat. But I had to deal with getting the cat back in.   Then we were sitting outside, in a place I don’t recognize, and we were talking, but I was saying no, I can’t do what you want.  He stood up to go, and I buried my head in his chest crying, and he held me.

That’s what woke me up.  (When he came to see me after he first told me about her, he just watched me writhe in pain, and didn’t make a move to even ease the pain he had caused.)  I haven’t cried over him in weeks, maybe two months.  And I’m not sad about it, now that I’m awake. Nor do I have any illusions about who he is or want him in my life.  But I guess that the dream is some indication that I still have some pain buried from the whole thing which I’ll have to deal with.

I still feel like I have a happy life.  He can’t take that away from me.  I’m tired this morning, but I’m ok.  I just wish he’d stop coming to me in my sleep.  It’s only been twice, but it’s two times too many.   The first time I still feel was more than a dream.  When I woke that time I could still feel and taste smell him in my room.  This time wasn’t quite that bad, but more than I want.

It’s a process.  I wonder when I’ll get to the bottom layer of the pain and hurt, and finally be completely free of him.

In the meantime, I will be grateful for all that I have, and that I have a wonderful life of my own.  That will be my focus, as I continue to work him out of my psyche.

 

Setting Myself Free

Posted on by learning to live like water

freedom

Woke unsettled this morning.  I think it’s him again, he is always so depressed before the winter solstice anyway, with the short dark days.  He’s suffered from depression for most of his life.

I want to say, well no wonder….look how he lives.

But I have to just let it go, it’s his to deal with. I did a meditation, I turned the energy back around to him, cut the cords, again.  Asked his soul to fly away and to leave me be.

I thought about his cold cold lies.  His beautiful blue eyes lying to me.  Were they laughing?  I feel sad for him, it all caught up to him, and I’m sure he’s having a hard time.  Well….so did I.  I’ve made it through, but for me it’s just a matter of recognizing him and letting it all go.  I can still see his soul, the one he won’t even acknowledge that he has. Knowing he could only do what he did, because of where his head was at.  I will always feel affection for who I know hides behind the chaos he creates for himself. But it’s like you might feel for a wayward child, not the love of a woman for a man.

He has to deal with his head being in that place, repeatedly.  Hurting people who loved him, killing off their love for him.  Leaving him alone.

Much harder to face.  He used to say he was impulsive, he didn’t have a filter.  And after would say, “Oh…man, I won’t do that again.”  He may want to rethink that lifestyle, and try to do things that won’t blow up in his face, and in the process rip lives apart.

But whatever he does, I need to actively pursue cutting the energy cords with him, sending them back to him, or into the universe.  Setting myself completely free of him.  It’s one thing to tell him about the concern over his health, but another to wake up feeling his depression over the state he’s in.

He never could let me go…so I have to set myself free.  The fact that we do not talk doesn’t mean that there isn’t intense communication being attempted at levels we cannot comprehend.

I have not heard from A again.  I may, when he leaves this woman’s house.  LOL.  I idly wonder if he’s still going to see the Michigan woman.  I hope he finds what he’s looking for, because I know that I could never be it for him.  I also know if I could have been…there would be no Tobi, no Michigan woman.  I hope he doesn’t make a mistake in his pursuit of a relationship.  He’s so impulsive, and he pushes things far beyond their natural state.  It’s like he feels he has to lock it up, or it will disappear, instead of letting it grow.  He told me the other day that I was the one who keeps breaking his heart.  I want to say….then let it be broken, and let it heal.  Like I had to to with S.  He wants to bury the pain.  He is not much more aware than S of the repercussions of what he does.

I sure know how to pick dysfunctional men.  Maybe the third time will be the charm, if I get a third chance.  LOL.  I’m going to use the law of attraction, and visualize the man I want, over and over.  Somewhere in the middle of that spectrum between total deception and total neediness.

Florida.  Maybe in Florida there is someone looking for a woman who can love, and be loved.  Who’s slightly outside the box.  And rather outspoken.  I see things pretty clearly, and am not afraid to talk about what I see.  It endears me to some people.

Even though I know energy can travel over distance, in fact, distance is not even a factor with energy, I feel like when I am moved to Florida I will feel free of all this emotional chaos.  I will have other, new chaos, as I resettle in a new place, without my huge support base.  But I think it will be a smooth transition, calmed by being close to the sea, and warm water, and family nearby.

I feel like I’ll be free there.  Finally.

Believing

Posted on by learning to live like water

In gratitude this morning.  I awoke early as usual, about 5:15.  I felt peace, for a lovely change.  No angst over the past, no worry about the future.

I have a ring with a large larimar stone.  This is the stone of the Caribbean, it’s only found there.  It’s metaphysical properties are tranquility of sea and air to the heart and mind.  It is supposed to soothe and uplift hurt, fear, depression, pain of life and changes, with love.  I bought the ring in St. Thomas when I took my son on a cruise when he graduated from high school.

 

 

The day I was decorating my house for Christmas, at about 5 PM I looked at my ring and the stone had fallen out somewhere.  I had no idea when or where.  I had been digging in boxes of ornaments, and decorations, doing laundry, cleaning, run an errand to the drugstore.  I dug through the boxes I’d been in but to no avail.  While I was sad it was gone, I had a feeling that it would just turn up somewhere.  I don’t know why, I wasn’t frantic, I just thought it would.

Two days later I was at work, and my son called me, that he’d found my stone in the washing machine!  It fell out while I loaded the sheets into the washer.  Now I just have to reset it into the setting and I’ll have my ring back.

This is how I am feeling about my life right now.  It isn’t perfect, but what I want I know is going to come.  And I can let go of the angst, at least for today.  The angst, and all the other negative emotions that the last 6 months have brought me, I just let go.  I almost brought the drama back into my life this weekend, but it wasn’t supposed to happen and didn’t.  I am so grateful for that I can’t even express it.  I am so grateful to have a wonderful life to just settle into, and know that if I just believe, the things I want will manifest.  It has always been so, and will always be.

I remember during my divorce, thinking every day, that what I wanted had already happened, it just had not manifested yet.  I feel this now….the things I want, in the vast expanse of the universe in which there is no space and time, have already happened.  They are waiting for the perfect time to manifest.  I know they are coming.

Breathe in love.  Breathe out all that no longer serves you.

And believe….just believe.

 

 

WTF Was I Thinking Yesterday??

Posted on by learning to live like water

I have been asking myself all day, “What were you thinking yesterday?”

Thank God, thank God, that he did not answer my text.  THAT was the universe watching out for me.  Knowing that my heart can be soft, too soft for my own good.  Geezus.  It’s closed up tight again in his direction.  Open in all others.

I have all of his texts from back in September before I knew about her at all, through the week prior, to the weekend he told me he was going to be with her, to the most recent after finding out he’d been with her all summer.  And all the ones in between breaking up and finding this out.

We texted a LOT.  Like every day, morning, noon and night.  Even when I wasn’t seeing him, most days we were still communicating.  He was still trying to convince me to be in his life, while she was in it.  I didn’t do it, thank God, I kept that small dignity.  I kept that small amount of self-respect.

But re-reading those texts today….The sheer volume of bold-faced, -look-you-in-the-eye lies that he was capable of just pissed me off again.  I mean, seriously.  I can’t even imagine the lies he told her. The realizations she had to face.   I think because I had let go of the anger, and felt sorry for him.  Even A feels sorry for him, even A says, “he needs our prayers.  I just went from hating him to pitying him.”  And S has caused a lot of pain for A with those lies.

He’s right, S is to be pitied.  That he continued right up til she got my letter to lie, to me, to her.  When someone lies that much, they have no self-respect, no self-love.  They don’t believe they are worth the breath it takes to keep them alive. (Which is probably why he smokes when he has COPD.)

So, tonight on the way home, I was still in re-anger at his ability to look me in the eye and lie. And then I thought about my blog this morning, and half way home just did a “driving” meditation. Breathe in love.  Breathe out Scott.

So, ok, I am not angry.  He is his own worst enemy.  I pity him.  But yesterday, I might have invited him back into my life.  OMG.  I am so glad he didn’t answer, and I got a reprieve from the universe.  To invite that madness back in, with no evidence that he learned ANYTHING, except that he underestimated me.  And that’s a maybe.  He’s still probably trying to figure out why he couldn’t get away with it.

The truth always outs.  I didn’t go researching, I didn’t try to figure it out.  I just knew that a lie will show up, because it’s an anomaly in the universe.  The universe thrives on truth and love and a lie is like rotten apple, the universe will just throw it out and right it.

So, maybe he blocked me and didn’t get it.  Maybe he got it and ignored it.  Whatever it was, GOOD.  I can’t imagine Betty will ever forgive him.  I at least got to absorb it in pieces, she had to face it all at once, in a tsunami of undeniable truth.  I have a feeling they were making plans to retire together.  That’s why the urgent need for him to finish the work on his house, so he could sell it, probably move in with her.  (He told me she had terrible credit, that’s why he’d had to buy a car for her, and she was going to pay him back.  I guess when he screwed her best friend he got the car back… because it’s the one he drove.Of course, that could have been a lie too.) So, I think she had a lot at stake here besides a boyfriend.

He screwed me over, but I’m very independent, and didn’t need him for anything.  I just wanted him, but I can want someone else.  Just think this may have fouled their plans for retirement.  Well….he didn’t want it that bad, or he would have let me go last spring.  He played it to the hilt, to the moment he knew she was going to get my letter.

As for me…I can forgive.  Right now.  I’m not even mad anymore.  But forget?  Invite that lunacy back into my life?  No fucking way.  LOL.  Yes, I feel strongly about it.

Thank you Universe, for cutting me some slack, and doing what was for my highest good.  Blessed, just blessed.

Whatever Remains, Let It Go

Posted on by learning to live like water

IMG_1997.JPG

It was quiet by the ocean yesterday.  There were other people in the park, couples walking their dogs, or walking the walking paths, kids flying kits.  Not many on the beach though. maybe a half dozen.  I was alone, a few people were alone as well.

The park is an old estate, complete with a 40 room mansion, now used mostly for weddings.  I went to one there once, we were walking around the mansion, pretending we were actors in Downtown Abbey.  There are all kinds of formal gardens, and one has a statue of a Buddha in it.  Usually when I go, I offer something from the sea to the Buddha, a pretty stone or shell.  I did so yesterday too, and set it down with the intention of letting go.

I had done something others might feel was foolish before I went.  S used to talk a lot about when a relationship ends wanting closure.  I had been feeling that I wished it didn’t end so ugly, though I don’t know what other outcome there could have been, when there were so many lies and deceptions, all by him.

But I texted him, just saying I would be there, if he’d like to talk, and get some closure.  I didn’t have any expectation that he’d come, I didn’t really care if he came.  I have had a feeling that he’s a wreck, I thought it might be something he needed.  But there was no answer, which is answer enough in itself.  I won’t ask again.  It was for him, not for me.  And really, what closure would there be?  He probably blames me that he’s lost Betty, not himself.  I doubt very much that at this late date, he is ever going to own his story, this story, that he created to fail.

It makes me sad for him, but it’s his journey.  I wash my hands of it.  If he wants to reach me he knows how.  But since he didn’t respond to the text, I’m pretty sure he won’t try, at least not for a long time.

In the meantime, I am loving having a drama-free life.  I didn’t realize the toll it was taking on me.  There was constant never ending drama, even before the breakup.  There was him always wanting to see me for a few hours, me fighting it, me wanting him, me trying to understand what was going on.  I was spending so much time and energy on him.  And now, I have a lot of time and energy for myself, my son, my home, my friends, and who knows what else. It’s like breathing again.

A has been in constant communication with me from Santa Fe.  He was dating a woman who a couple weeks ago decided they would just be friends, which he was ok with.  Then asked him to her hot tub.  He was going to go.  Then he sent her by accident a picture of himself, meant for me.  It was just his normal good morning sweet Deb picture, but she took exception to it, though he says she knew about me, and also, that they were just friends.  Then yesterday she told him he wasn’t giving her enough attention or courting her properly….

He said, this is way too confusing.  Too much drama.  I’m afraid this is goodbye.

I kind of felt bad for him, but really…she sounds like she had mixed emotions, and was so inconsistent.  He was fine, but a little frustrated, confused by it.  I think I helped him understand it a little, and I was glad to be there for him.  He has talked me down so many times. He asked if my life was still drama-free, and I was happy to tell him yes.

I do miss S, from time to time.  But I always remember him before last spring, when she came back.  When I remember what transpired between last spring and now….it is easy to walk away from it, and put it all behind me.  I’m still looking, but I have the feeling that the man I’m looking for will be in Florida when I move there.

Just some introspective thoughts today.  Morning meditation:  Breathe in love.  Breathe out Scott.  Whatever remains, let it go.

Love and light.

PS  The picture at the top I took yesterday.  It is where I own a boat slip.  It reminds me to keep my perspective on what a small part of my journey the last 18 months really is.

 

 

A Long, Busy, Happy Day

Posted on by learning to live like water

Been a long busy day.  I didn’t stop for 5 minutes all day, except for lunch.  a 9 hour work day, plus an hour drive time.  But lunch was lovely.  I went to my spot at the cove on the Connecticut River, pulled up to the water, and read, watched the seagulls, listened to the wind on the water, and even did a 5 minute meditation.

I was in a good mood all day.  It was sunny (it’s been raining for 2 days here), and not cold yet, which is such a blessing.  It’s been exactly 2 weeks since the big drama, and I feel my blood pressure going down daily (not that it’s ever high.  I have pretty low blood pressure, happily.) My psyche is becoming my own again, I’m much more in balance than any time in the last 6 or 8 months.  I’m not obsessing over some man who was never going to offer me what I needed, or wanted.  I see him….I have always seen him.  I forgive him.  And I’m done with him.  Of course, sometimes I miss talking to him, that was just fun, but it always led to heartbreak, so when I remember that, I can let go of missing him pretty quick.  And easily.

Healing completely just takes time.  But I do believe Rumi is right, the wound is where the light enters us.  And I do believe that what results will be more beautiful than it was.

Feeling Content

Posted on by learning to live like water

 

 

contentment-275x206Putting up Christmas decorations today. All but the tree. I’ll get to that maybe tonight, the lights at least. The rest of it tomorrow.

I didn’t go to the sweat lodge today. The sweat lodge tends to be emotional, a way to release, to reconnect with yourself at the deepest level. It’s good, sometimes. But I have been emotional now for so long. Riding the roller coaster of emotions, I just didn’t want to be emotional today. Or this weekend. I am sick of my emotions, sick of crying, sick of being angry, sick of it all. I just want to move on, and live a normal life, with all that chaos and drama in the past. Where it belongs.

So, in addition to the Christmas decorations I did laundry, cleaned my kitchen, changed the sheets on my bed, put stuff away as I took stuff out, lol.  I also managed to get my new computer updated so I could install the printer without freezing the computer.  And I had to work at downloading Open Office too.  But I got it all done, seems to be working ok.  Every time I installed the new printer on this computer it would lock it up and I’d have to reset it to the initial settings.  Grrr.

Then I sat down to take a break. I found a movie I’ve wanted to see on On-Demand, for free. It was A Winter’s Tale, with Colin Firth and Russell Crowe. I had a few mixed emotions about it.

Scott had given me the book last spring, one of the last times I was at his house. It was a nice gesture. He said he just thought I might like it, a blend of fantasy, and fiction, love across the ages. A few weeks later he began to push me away, because she was back, unknown to me. I loved the book, it is one of my favorite books now.

One of the many times I tried to break it off with him, he asked me to give him the book back. He’d also given me another, Jitterbug Perfume. I guess at some point, I got angry with his little offers of a “nice afternoon” or to come over after work, and never stay. I told him not to come at all, if he wouldn’t stay. What he wanted I didn’t. I sent both books back to him after buying my own copies off of ebay for less than $5 each, including shipping. The break-up didn’t last, we reconciled after a few days. I probably gave in to him, but he might have come for the night too, that happened a couple times. I was just so crazy about him. Geezus.

Anyway, there was a lot of his energy around the movie. I was pretty sure I could deal with the triggers. As it turned out, there were not really any triggers, but the movie was well acted but terrible if you’ve read the book. I didn’t see how they could make a movie of it that would run less than say, 5 hours. Well they did, because they changed the story, and left out huge important parts of it. So….read the book, don’t watch the movie, lol.

The other book, Jitterbug Perfume, is in my desk at work. I started it before we broke up, I read the first few chapters and liked it too. But I’ve picked it up since and it just made me angry and hurt, and I can’t even look at it. Now that I have the facts, I just get disgusted looking at it, so it will stay in my desk drawer at work, where I will hardly ever see it.

Last night I slept without Ambien for the first time in months. I started taking it when I had carpal tunnel, it allowed me to sleep through some of the pain. Then I kept taking it when Scott dumped me, so I could get 5 or 6 hours of sleep. I’ve been afraid to not take it, afraid I wouldn’t sleep. But last night I did ok. I woke up a couple times but got back to sleep.

I got a couple messages from men on a dating site, (NOT OKCupid where I met S!). I’ve messaged with one of them before, and he said he’s looking forward to talking this week. That would be nice. The other guy wrote a very funny message, he made me laugh. Very outside the box, interesting writing style. He’s not my type physically, but his message made me laugh so hard, I answered it anyway. You never know. I love to laugh.

Talked to A this morning for a long while. He has met a woman in Michigan on-line….I was like, A, it’s so far!!! He wants so badly to be in love, he still loves me so much, I know. He told me so twice this morning. But he’s respectful of my wishes, of the fact that I don’t want a long distance relationship, that our chemistry isn’t like that for me. He says he’s going to go to MI to meet this woman, that’s almost as far as here. I’m afraid for him but it’s his deal. He said he will talk to me about it. I told him to trust his gut, that he doesn’t need my energy in the mix. (He said it already is.) I really want him to be happy. He is such a good loving soul. We have never lied to each other, never led each other on. I know I have broken his heart, a couple times, but I did it honestly, I let him know what was going on, and how I felt; He was never blindsided. I owned it, and I stayed with him while he dealt with it. We have had some very tender moments, moments which were real.

It’s nice to have had a few tender moments that were real with a man.

Last night he said he probably needs to live alone for awhile. Because he never has. He lost his wife to cancer in July of 2014. His son lives with him. He said, he is trying to learn how to “uncouple”. I told him I’ve been uncoupled for a long long while (9 years). I don’t include having been with Scott as having been a couple. I was crazy in love with him, but he never let us be a couple. I look back and have to just let it all go, I don’t think it meant anything to him at all.

My son is having “Friendsgiving” tonight at our house.  That should be interesting.  They will stay in his space, he said they’re all bringing food.  I love that energy.

It’s been a nice day, just getting stuff done, no exhausting emotions around anything. Feeling content, looking forward with a smile.

The Darkness Has Passed, and I’m so Grateful

Posted on by learning to live like water

I am in much better shape this morning than last night when I wrote my last blog.  Pretty much back to the place where the whole affair just disgusts me, that I participated in it at all, even though I didn’t have any knowledge of the facts.  I am back to seeing him as a defective, sick man.  Completely devoid of normal human empathy and compassion, as my friend Megan pointed out.  He feels it for himself, no one else.  Not missing him at all.

It’s good to be in a place where the random memory bombs just set off a small detonation, and then disappear.  I feel like I have a clearer understanding of what happened to me.  I see where I was feeling the truth, even though he constantly denied it.  I needed to trust my gut, my intuition more, and going forward, will listen more astutely.  It’s a good lesson for me.

I had been feeling so bad for Betty when I first realized she had no idea, but really….she had a relationship with him that left him to his own devices all week, and he’d already proven to her he was untrustworthy with her former best friend.  She also set herself up.  Yesterday I realized that he didn’t lie anywhere near as much to her, he wasn’t trying to blow her off to see me, so lies weren’t needed.  Just the lies of omission, lol, that he was with me when he wasn’t with her.  But ignorance was bliss, for awhile.  We both had to get the big lie.  I’m just way ahead of her on the healing path.  Who knows, she may forgive him, and let him back.  He can’t be monogamous, he can’t draw a line for himself he won’t cross.  If it’s not me, it will be someone else, one day when she least suspects it.  It’s just who he is.  Lies and deception and living on the edge are what he likes.

Enough about him.  Really.  This morning I’m sick of it again, lol.

It’s Thanksgiving.  I made a beautiful pumpkin pie last night.  This morning I am making a jello mold, the stuffing for the turkey was made Tuesday night.  I have a small 12 lb turkey for my son and I, and will put it in the oven around noon so we can eat around 4.  Then a few other things, twice baked potatoes, baked butternut squash.  My son bought a really good bottle of wine, which was really sweet.  He’s growing up and realized he should contribute.  It will be fun to hang with him for the day.  He’ll probably have friends over tonight, which is also good with me. I love having young people in the house, even though they mainly stay in his space, my finished basement.  Still, I like the energy.  It’s invigorating.

I’ve been talking to A a lot.  He’s really gutted his new home.  His son smashed his finger in a car door and had to have it stitched up.  A is not pushing it with me, though I can feel his feelings have not changed.  And right now…as long as he is not pushing me, it is soothing, and a blessing for me. He said he wishes he were here, he’d love to go to the sweat lodge with me tomorrow.  He sends me love every morning, every night, he reminds me of my worth.  I try to also remind him.  I wish I could love him the way he wants, he so deserves it.  I really have a lot of self introspection to do, though….I am not really in a place to be with anyone.

But I’m oh so grateful for A and his loving attention.  Lots of things I’m grateful for on this lovely cold Thanksgiving morning.  For my son, for my friends who have been hanging with me through all this stupid drama.  For my book club, which is 3 of my best friends.  We’re going out to dinner on Tuesday.  I’m grateful for this blog, which allows me to release my emotions in a productive way.  I’m grateful to live in my lovely home, to have a decent job.  Grateful to be able to put a feast on my table today.  To know what I know, lol, and be open to continue learning. Grateful that a relationship that caused me far more tears than joy in the last 6 months is over. I think the dark days are over for the most part.

Happy Thanksgiving, with love and light.

As Good As It Gets, for the moment

Posted on by learning to live like water

Mondays I work late, til 7.  I started work at 9.  So, it was another long, busy day.  It’s good, that it’s busy.

But now I’m home.  I’ve eaten leftovers from Sunday, when I usually manage to make a decent meal.  I have a half glass of cabernet beside me, 3 squares of dark chocolate, in my warm fleece jammies, lol.  It’s about as good as I can get it at the moment.

Good, considering I was a little angry about things today, but I wrote the anger off to the still present emotional waves.  When I thought about how cruelly he ended it with me 7 weeks ago, and then wouldn’t let me go, kept calling and texting and leaving me voice mails, asking me to come see him, right up to the moment he was exposed, and then had the unmitigated gall to ask me to lie for him….Geezus.  It just pissed me off.  I mean, really what rock did he crawl out from under?  But I’m over it.  A little rage bubbles up, I consider the source, and honest to God, I have to laugh at someone who is so clueless.  Geezus.

So, now I’m home, in my beautiful home, relaxing, writing, being happy.  A is texting me with his undying love, which from 2000 miles is a soothing.  He has gutted his new home, he’s sent me pics.  He and his son are doing all the work.  A is 69, man, he’s working his ass off physically.

I so didn’t want to be at work today.  I can’t wait to put this house on the market in spring.  I am believing that it will sell by summer.  I just can’t wait to retire, and not work.  Own a home with no mortgage.  I wanted to be writing all day today.  It has become such a passion, to sit down and put my thoughts and emotions to written word.  So healing.

My cousin was reading some of the poetry I’ve written and put up here last night.  She knows what I’ve been through and could feel it in what I wrote.  She said, “Damn, Deb, you are good…”  I told her the only problem is that to write a good poem I apparently need to be tortured, lol. Or crazy in love.  So… lately I’m just tortured.

The love will come, the love will come.  My heart is open, the love will come.