Tag Archives: love

Who Will Walk Through The Fire With Me?

Posted on by learning to live like water

I went to a friends house for dinner and a bottle of wine.  We were gonna go out but changed our minds.  It was really nice to just sit with two people who love each other, and love me, as a close close friend.  My friend and I went off to gab girl talk.  She’s a psychiatric nurse,and had some insight on my week’s struggles.  We are close, been friends for years.  Our kids met in the 5th grade, about 15 years ago, we have been friends since.  She’s one of the members of my book club.

We somehow got onto sexuality, probably in discussing my recently ended relationship.  I told her I dived into sex too early, with S, and it was nice to have someone I could consider a partner in it.  So, it was part of the attachment problem for me, because they go hand in hand for me, sex and attachment.  I guess S enjoyed it…he told me a few times it was the best he ever had.   And trust me, he had had many sexual partners. He did tell me I was overconfident, lol, but was laughing when he said it.  So…my friend wanted to know what I did to make it the best, lol.  I said, I loved him.  But that wasn’t what she meant, she loves her husband very much and they are best friends.  She would just like  him  to feel that way, like it was the best.  I was able to talk to her, about being with S, without pain.

So I am good tonight.  I know I won’t get blindsided by my past tonight.  I can’t imagine it would be important enough for S to make a trip up here, to convince me he didn’t do anything wrong, so I am pretty sure I’m in the clear. It’s nice to feel good, in control of my life, and not scattered, not 1000 threads of my life scattered in different directions, trying to grasp something to hold onto.

I’ve been reading Rising Strong, by Brene Brown.  It’s about being able to get up, strongly, when you are knocked out for the count by someone.  Because as she says, if you’re gonna be vulnerable, which is a strength, because it’s the birthplace of creativity, joy, love, and worthiness, and belonging, then you are gonna get knocked down.  And it’s all about our ability to rise from the floor, strong.

She teaches looking at a problem in 3 acts…the definition of the issue, the action in which the issue is addressed, and the final resolution, where all things come together, to make you stronger, smarter, and learn a lesson. She says we forget the second act.  We want to brush over our struggles, our battles to work ourselves out of pain, heartache, anger., whatever the emotion is that you are struggling with.  But really that struggle is where it’s at.  That’s where we learn, where we become strong.

So, I am slugging it out with heartache, the second act, but tonight I’m winning.  I am seeing clearly here.  I am not a pile of mush, I am actually happy tonight.  I had dinner with people I love and who love me.  I had texted with my dear friend A.  My girlfriend asked me if I am not leading him on, but no.  A is a good good friend.  I can tell him everything and anything.  He knows exactly how I felt about S.  We have talked about our own chemistry, our own relationship, nothing held back. There are no secrets.  We flirt on occasionally, in the morning, when I’m getting ready for work and we are texting.  He tells me he loves me, still.  I have said it to him.  Because he’s willing to walk through the fire with me, to make sure I’m not alone.  How could I not love him?  I am really blessed.

I see, now, that S would never walk through the fire with me, or for me.  He would have not even held out his hand to me.  It’s whatever, I don’t care tonight. The passion I have had for him is waning. I’m grateful there are people in my life that would walk through the fire with me, for me.  I would have done it for S, I would do it for A.  And my family of friends here.

There is no reason to be morose.  My life is rich and full, and I am blessed.

Forgiveness

Posted on by learning to live like water

This is a lesson I from my marriage.  It is the only way to release the pain, anger, disappointment, sadness, the bitter taste of cruelty and mistreatment, and begin to rebuild your life.

I want to do this with S.  He chose what he chose, for his own reasons, never to be really understood by me.  I don’t believe he wanted to hurt me.  I believe he didn’t know how NOT to hurt me.  It can’t be undone, and it’s time for me to accept it, and stop trying rationalize that which is to me, irrational.  Another lesson from my marriage, you cannot explain an irrational act.  It’s time I remember that.

My focus now, will be to forgive, to find the unconditional love that I have always had for him and leave it somewhere deep in my heart.  It is never a bad thing to love, it is never stupid, and I think it had a purpose in his life.  I hope it did.  Even if he doesn’t see it now, maybe he will someday.  I’d hate for this all to have been for naught.  I hope that in his dark days, of which he has a lot this time of year, as the days grow shorter and darker, he will be able to know that someone loved him without limit, beyond reason, and it will give him strength.

This morning, I begin cutting the energetic cords between us, by beginning the process of forgiveness.

More Work

Posted on by learning to live like water

  
All these posts, about healing, letting go, working through the trauma. I’ve said it all so many times. I’m sure S reads  it and thinks yeah she’ll be contacting me soon. 

All my friends say “yeah we’ve heard that before.”  Even my son. 

And I recognize that always after a few days I begin missing him. 

So yeah, the posts are me, trying to convince myself. But this time, there is no going back. There is no “I miss you” message to send. 

The man I loved didn’t exist. He was a construct of my imagination and desire.  Even though I could, and still can, see his soul, the person he covers it with,and uses to deny his true self even to himself, is completely opposite of what I believed he could be, and thought was. I have to remind myself constantly of who he chooses to be, regardless of my belief that he was capable of so much more. 

Some people want to rise to others expectations. Others want to lower yours so they can remain in the place they are comfortable, regardless of its darkness, it chill, starkness, devoid of human compassion. 

There’s a poster on FB, I see all the time that says “be the person your dog thinks you are. “.  Some people try to live up to that expectation. Some people abuse the dog so they can make the dog change its mind.  

S is the second. He tried to change me to become like him. Sex without love. Secrets held dearer than life. Walls, not bridges. 

I am so glad that I refused to change who I was. And in fact, left him many times for just that reason. 

So.. I’ll get through it this time. I won’t become a shell of the person I am for anyone.  He is not insisting this time. He is not sucking me back in for another go round at it. He has Betty Boop and she’s already there with him 

All I would be is an ego boost for him.  He would have kept “sexting” me if I allowed it. He’d even arrange a tryst occasionally if I allowed it.  Of course she’d never know, until he wanted to crush her at some point. 

I’ve been there with him before. He’s good at crushing.  Not so good at nurturing. 

No not going back. Just working through it.  Helps me see through the thinning fog. 

Dealing With It

Posted on by learning to live like water

So…this morning, after I had cried an inordinate amount of time, I got on FB and chatted with my best friend. The one who told me not to talk about him to her, because she knew he was only going to continue to hurt me. I told her….she felt bad for me. When it comes to our friendship, nothing can really hurt us. When she loves you, she loves you, she’s like me with that, and it’s why we are so close. I thank God that I have people in my life like her. She has always made me feel like family, literally, invites me to every holiday and family gathering of her large boisterous fun clan. They are all used to me, lol. Because I have no family here, it has been a godsend for me.

Then I talked to A, who I totally blew off yesterday, in my pain. A also loves me, like my friend. Unconditionally. I told him in pieces what happened. I have been chatting with him on and off, and today he is such a blessing to me. He lets me know that there are men who can love and be loved unconditionally. He told me again today, that he loves me, but we are purely friends now, because he has chosen to live in the Southwest, and me here and Florida, and nothing else would work. He is so angry that this happened to me, he is as angry as my son. They know it was me who was stupid enough to buy into what S was selling, but still….A has called him a prick. I told him don’t waste your energy hating S, he’s his own worst enemy.

It was A who really has talked me down. He could be mean and bitter, and not talk to me, I have so screwed him over for S. But he isn’t. He loves me so much, he makes me feel good about myself. He thinks I’m beautiful. He thinks I’m funny. He knows I’m flawed, and he just told me he loves my flaws. And we are just friends. We were intimate, once, now we are just friends. He is seeing someone in his new home, and I am happy for him. He said, she knows about you….I said, because you are an honest and loving man.

How different from a man who would blindside me, inflicting as much pain as possible.

Dark vs light. Night vs. Day. Ego vs. spirit. We all choose. Make no mistake, S, you chose to be who you are.

I have been talking to a friend from here on WhatsApp. She and I have similar issues, she has been so helpful. My ex’s cousin, who is a close friend, and is the closest thing to family I have, has helped me a lot too.

So I have people, people who love me, people who support me. I need to surround myself with people like myself, who can love without limit, and accept the same. Whose only dysfunction might be they care too much, lol.

I also reactivated a dating profile on one site. I am just putting the energy out there. I’m free, I’m available, I am willing. And that’s a huge thing, to be willing.

I am beginning to get past it. I can see how toxic S is, for me, for himself. I see so clearly how he is only comfortable with extreme dysfunction. And how I wasn’t, and why our relationship would end every 2 weeks. There was a HUGE physical attraction. There is some kind of energetic connection. But I can have that with someone who can love and appreciate being loved, can’t I?

Pretty soon I’ll block his phone number, so when Betty Boop goes home tonight he can’t reach me. I’ll delete his texts soon, so I don’t see them when I open my app. I’ll get rid of all his pictures. I already did that with some that were my favorites. I don’t want to hear from him, he can’t do anything but give me more pain. I know this is a roller coaster. I know that I will go from anger to pain to healing over and over again. This is the first wave of feeling like I will survive. And it feels fucking good.

I bought a dark chocolate caramel chocolate bar to take him. Or give to him if he came here. Yesterday, I thought I’d throw it away. I though I would gag if I tried to eat it. Today, I think I will open it, and eat some. I’ve wasted enough on him. Why waste $3 more?

So…to paraphase one of my favorite authors, and spiritual guides, Brene Brown, from her TED talk on vulnerability, instead of catastrophizing my life because I got involved with a shit, I will thank God that I can hurt this much, that I could be so passionate, that I can love that deeply, because it means I am alive, and not dead, not walking around numb to this life. And for those that are numb, and settling for a life that will bring them pain after pain, I can’t feel anything but pity.

Waves

Posted on by learning to live like water

102

Picture from East Beach, Rhode Island

The anger wave is being replaced
By the wave of complete devastation.
The one that rolls over your body,
And you begin to understand
What drowning is like.
Flooding the body with tears,
The ones that have been stuck in your throat for hours
The ones you tried so hard not to cry,
Because you were afraid
Once you started you may never stop.
The tears that come from somewhere deep in your soul
Accompanied by violent body-wracking sobs
Gurgling up as the wave rolls over you
Filling you with liquid pain
Stealing your oxygen.
You heart screams,
“Let me out,
Bring me to the surface
I’m going to die…
I’m going to stop beating.”

How it keeps on,
I don’t know.
The pain which radiates from it
Disables me.
Completely.

How I want it to be over.
To drown,
How lovely it would be
To be numb enough that the waves don’t hurt me.
Just numb.
No joy, no pain, no nothing.
No him, no her, no me.

To be in a land where nothing reminded me.
No life, only gray, only rocks, only dirt.
Nothing to stimulate a memory,
Or a desire.

It is worse than death.
There is no peace.
In death, I would be reborn.
In this,
only suffering.

The Art of War

Posted on by learning to live like water

I’m sitting here so morose.  Feeling like I’m the only woman in the world who has ever been played.  Only woman who has ever been blindsided by someone she loved.  Like no one else has ever felt this kind of pain.

It’s so ridiculous.  I have friends who have endured this, and become stronger.  Some of these friends actually shared their lives, had kids, and had to somehow get through this same kind of betrayal.

I gave him the power over me.  I chose to love him. Last week, he told me I could change things between us.   I said, “No, S.  If I could have, I would have.  But you get to choose who you are going to love, who you are going to be with.  I don’t get to choose for anyone.  I chose for myself.  I chose you, I chose to love you intensely, emotionally, and physically.  You have to choose for yourself.”

And thereby…I told him what to do.  Not knowing that he was weighing me against her, I gave him the backing to choose her, over me.  To devastate me.  Because I didn’t know. I gave him the words, to justify what he did.

Which would have been fine, if he’d come clean with me at that point.  Instead of telling me I should stop talking about the past, I should should be talking about the future.  Instead of telling me, when I told him that any physical connection is only an expression of how much I love him.  And telling me, “I think you need to tell me that a dozen more times. XOXO.”  One week ago.

He couldn’t tell me.  He had to lie to me.  Because make no mistake, withholding the truth is lying.

I’ll find love again.  And it will go both ways.  The fact that he won’t, gives me no joy.

But the decision has been made.  There is no turning back. I won’t be there if it falls apart.  And how can it not?  A woman who leaves her boyfriend of 12 years when she thinks he’s dying, to get married to someone she cheated on him with, after taking him for as much as she can, and a man that uses people for his own benefit, with no care for the devastation he leaves in his wake.

Why did I allow myself to ever become a factor here?  It will take me some time to answer that question.

Betrayal goes so deep, it turns your insides out, it turns your thinking and all you held dear, upside down.  You don’t trust yourself, because you are sure you should have known better.  You should have seen it coming, but you didn’t.  You trusted the wrong person.

S used to tell me to read “The Art of War”.  He said the first rule of war was to avoid it all costs.

Well……I think it’s him should read it.  I think BETRAYAL has caused plenty of wars.  Maybe, because he felt he could play God, and play me….he thinks it doesn’t apply to him.

Well-Played. Another Story of Betrayal, but This One is True

Posted on by learning to live like water

Last weekend, the day of the eclipse, I hadn’t talked to S in 2 or 3 days, and was fine with it.  But I thought it was a really sucky way to end a relationship, so I texted him “Are you really never going to talk to me again?”

We texted.  That’s all we ever did.  A torrid texting affair. Why did I care?  Idk, I always saw the good in him, the desire to be good, the desire not to fuck things up.  I once gave him an inner child crystal, because his inner child was so tortured. That day, his whole tone changed with me, as if heard me (thus, the poem “The Gift of Being Heard.)  Well I might have been heard, but I was still fucked over.

All week, we texted intimately.  I LONGED for him, I wanted him so bad.  He talked of doing intimate things with me, alluding to the weekend.  I held back asking for plans, it’s always been the kiss of death for me with him.  He likes to feel he’s driving the train, and that things are spontaneous.  Just yesterday, I sent him intimate pictures of me, because he asked.  But he was quiet last night.  Before I went to bed I asked him “S, is something wrong?  Please talk to me.”  He answered that he fell asleep on the couch…we texted a few times, and said goodnight.  I thought everything was ok.   Just this morning, he texted me at 4 am.

Then, no word.  I sent him one text, but held back….fearful of ruining it.  But then I got this text….

“I don’t know how to deal with this…so I am just going to say it.  I am going to be with someone else this weekend.  I am busy and don’t want to talk about it.  Peace.”

A TEXT.  A FUCKING TEXT.

Well, you all know the wave of emotions that hit you like a tsunami.  Like you can’t breathe, you can’t think, you can’t talk.  My son was in the room with me, and I’d been waiting for my phone to update to go somewhere.  This text was the first thing I saw when it was done.  I managed to say to my son, “Well the phone’s done.  I’m gonna go.”  He was leaving for work soon, won’t be home til later, and will never know what S did to me today.  Bad enough, I told my son last night I’d be going to S”s or he’d probably be coming here tonight. My son scolded me for being stupid, told me that S has made me cry more than his father.  Why am I being so stupid about him?  But all I have to say is that we decided not to, and let it fade.  I haven’t seen much of S for months, my son won’t think much of it, except he’ll be glad he doesn’t have to deal with him.  I am ashamed and embarrassed at how I made excuses for S with my son.  Geezus.  The kid at 23 is 100 times the man S will ever be. He’s a stand-up honest and decent young man.  I thought if nothing else S was honest with me.  I have said so here….that he was an honest and decent man…  If only I could re-write history.

So played.

The thing is, I had hope all week.  I really did.  But I knew…he’s capable of withdrawing on a dime.  I asked him many times in the last few weeks, are you seeing Betty Boop?  Does she want to get back together with you?  He said always that he only talked to her a little, and he didn’t know.  Always.

He played me. Big time.  I loved him so much and he used it, to make himself feel good.  He loved my adoration, the way I was always there. We finally talked around noon, because I told him if he didn’t man up and call me that I was gonna show up on his doorstep, and tell Betty Boop about me.   He said he’d been weighing one of us against the other all week.

And that’s where I got mad.  FURIOUS.  What right does he have, to put me in competition with another woman and not tell me????  Or her??? Who the fuck does he think he is???  Fucking playing God with me. As if I’d have stuck around if I thought they were doing anything more than talking.  What a fucktard.  I am still so angry at that.  Had he chose me, would he ever have told me that I almost lost to her?  Would I ever have known the truth?  He must have seen her, I haven’t asked, I don’t want to know.  (hear Stevie Nicks in the background singing Silver Spring “I don’t want to know….”)

I told him he should have told me.  And her, and let us both make up our minds if we wanted to be in that triangle.  Because I for sure didn’t.  Don’t. Won’t EVER with any man, compete for his attention.  I loved him well, unconditionally, and he repaid me this way?  Thinking that was ok?

He said, she knows about you now.  I said, “Does she know that you asked for a picture of me last night???  That you texted me at 4 AM this morning???”  No…he said.  THEN TELL HER.  LET HER MAKE UP HER MIND.  YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO PLAY GOD WITH HER ANYMORE THAN YOU DID WITH ME.

He has called me about 5 times since then.  Because I told him, if I ever have the opportunity to tell her, I will.  (Though I don’t know her last name, so I can’t even look her address up.)  He asked why I can’t just let things unfold.  I said, this is how they unfold when you fuck someone over.  When you play people, when you hurt people, when you use people.  This is how they unfold.

But the universe will make sure she knows.  Besides, I am pretty sure that a woman who left him when he thought he was dying, (he had cancer, and only an experimental drug saved his life, and a philanthropic organization that paid for it but the drug came along after she split, she thought he was dying)  and took him for as much as she possibly could, to run off and get married to someone she’d been cheating on him with, is playing him too.  They deserve each other, and what they get. I told him, that’s all he thinks he deserves, that’s all he’s gonna get.

I am wordy, I have been sending him long texts telling him what a fuckup he is, and why.  And he knows I’m right.  But he’s stuck on this woman that will hurt him again, whatever.  He said, “this is the #1 reason I don’t want you.”  the wordy texts, the righteous indignation.  I said, “OH it’s so much harder to take my righteous indignation than a woman who will leave you when you’re dying, and who’ll take you for all she can, and run off and get married to someone she cheated on you with.”  Yeah, I can see how my truthful words are harder to take.

God he’s a real piece of work.  I sure know how to pick ’em.

I will always love this man’s soul, because that’s what unconditional love is, but I never want to see him again.  I know, I am sure, (he says I’m overconfident), because I know him, I see him, he has told me everything, things that she doesn’t know and I’m sure never will…and I was still there for him, because I could see his soul, that I loved him better than any other person in his life.  I still see his soul, and will always know he is capable of so much more.  But the human that he is…needs to stay clear of me.  Enough heartbreak for one man to accomplish.

I’m gonna get back on that horse and ride.  I haven’t cried yet, I hope I don’t.  I have wasted way too many tears on him, he has broken my heart more often than my ex did.  My ex…didn’t break my heart in the traditional sense.  He became someone I could not love, romantically.  S….has broken my heart, I loved him 1000 times more than any other man.  But I don’t want to cry for him again.  I want to actively pursue someone who can appreciate a woman who can love beyond reason, beyond all measure, both emotionally, spiritually, and physically.

I told him, finally, that he will miss me.  And he will.

Questions

Posted on by learning to live like water

I’m trying to learn to stay in the moment.  I’m trying not to make up stories in my head, and even more, I’m trying not to believe the stories I tell myself.  Byron Katie teaches a method to inquire as to the truth of the stories we believe with the following 4 questions.

Do you know it’s true?  no.

(In case the first answer was yes)….Do you absolutely positively know it’s true?  No.

(If the answer is yes, then move forward based on that absolute truth.)

How do you feel when you think that thought?  Afraid, insecure, unloved, uncared for, disrespected, hurt, lonely.  (In other words, all the negative unhappy emotions that you can think of.)

Who would you be without that thought?  Content, patient, loving, self-assured, trusting, safe, busy, relaxed.

So why would I hold onto a thought that I don’t know (and in my heart don’t believe) is true, when it makes me feel like shit?

Because…history…triggers…fear…ego…

Ego.  Goddam ego, telling me maybe it’s true, and what will you do if it is, and how will it feel when you know it wasn’t real, you’re about to get blindsided, and yada yada yada.  Stupid monkey mind egoic voices screaming in my ear, “fear fear fear.”

In my marriage, I had to assume the opposite of what came out of his mouth was true. I had to take all the clues, and hints, (because there was always a piece of the truth in what he said, and he spun his lie around that truth) and then investigate and he never disappointed, he was always lying, when the whole truth came out.  It got so I didn’t even get mad, I couldn’t confront him with the truth, and expose his lies, because my anger and indignance at being lied to (again) only exacerbated the situation.  I just had to deal with the lies, work around them, discover the truth on my own, and then do my best to act based on whatever the truth actually was.

Of course, I was just burying anger, but that’s another blog.

I don’t have to do that anymore, but my mind is so trained to do it, I can’t seem to stop, unless I can find stillness somewhere.  I try hard to hold myself back from seeking constant reassurance.  I know it’s irritating, to people who have never lied to me.

So back to Byron Katie….my problem lies between acting on the third question and rising to the fourth, so that I don’t create problems that don’t exist.  The negative voices are so many, so deep-seated, they don’t want to let go. They tell me I’m being a fool. I fight to ignore them.  Because I know….they don’t have any good news, and are only afraid of losing their power.

Buddha teaches that attachment and desire are the causes of all pain….(or something like that…).  But how can we not be attached, nor desire the object of our affection?  When that attachment and desire is fulfilled, it is a beautiful thing.

I don’t know the answer to these questions. Well…I do know that I have to continue to try not to listen to my monkey mind.  I do know that I need to wait, to have patience, I have to let the truth make itself known, in its own time.  To fill my own time, and be flexible, because that’s what it takes right now.

Grateful For My Breath

Posted on by learning to live like water

I had a difficult night, and only slept a few hours.  Today will be a long day, but I’ll get through it.  My ginger kitty, Maggie, was so sweet.  She heard me break down, in the dark, and jumped up and sat next to me, licking my hand and my arm, to tell me she loved me.  She lay down beside me with her head on my arm, to comfort me.

Letting go is so hard.  It’s not just the person, it’s all you wished and prayed and  hoped would happen.  It all has to go, and it leaves a hole.  A painful hole.

He called me, he wished there was something he could do for my pain, but in his honesty, anything he could have done would have been a lie, and he hasn’t ever lied to me about it.  It’s one reason I love him, he just doesn’t lie, or make up stories to get what he wants. I told him give me a few days, I’ll be ok.

I have to remember what the psychic said….that when I close the wrong doors the right ones will open. The problem is realizing and accepting that what I was so attached to was the wrong door.  But  it was.

At least my words are coming back

Breathing, just breathing, and grateful for my breath.