Tag Archives: peace

Settling Out

Posted on by learning to live like water

Sunrise 11-07-15

Sunrise from my deck

Feeling peaceful this morning.  It was week full of turmoil, but has ended ahead of where it started, emotionally.  It started with me missing S last Sunday, and making the mistake of telling him.  It opened the door to him telling me to come see him then, the minute she walked out his door. Which led to raw emotions, again, and to ugliness between us.  It led to me having to cut him off completely in order to move forward.  Which led to the dream (I don’t know what else to call it, but it was way more than a dream)….which freaked me out, but then made me realize that I had let him go, energetically, that I could do it at my most vulnerable.  Not saying it wasn’t hard, and didn’t hurt, but I did it, for me.

I was so concerned with the lesson.  I think it was the balance of the Unconditional Love lesson, that we have to extend that love to ourselves, first.  We have to be strong enough to let go of those things that hurt us, that no longer serve us, even if we love them.

So, now I follow my own advice for the moment and will go where the love is.  Which leads me to some peace this morning, starting with the beautiful sunrise. Peaceful in the sense that I can think things through, without angst.

A and I will talk this weekend about Christmas break this weekend.  He wanted to last night but it was too late for me, I was too tired.  It deserves more attention than that.  I am conflicted, to say the least.  I would rather he came here, he might be open to it, because his house is getting gutted, and there’s a good chance it won’t be done by then anyway.  I’m still uncertain about the long term implications, but I think that I need to just let what happens happen.  I love him enough to spend 5 days with him.  I know he won’t make me sorry.  My only issue is guilt that I don’t feel the same about him as he does me, but I’m not that far off.  I think it’s the distance that keeps me from engaging my heart more.  But I’m not even sure about that.

Am I just being lazy, accepting what is here, in front of me, offering me unconditional love, but without the passion that I crave?  Am I just being impatient?  Is it just that my defenses are down?  I love the relationship I have with him at the moment, would I ruin that with expectation on his part if I do this? Because I don’t want to commit to a long distance relationship… And I don’t want the perception of friends with benefits, because we are way more than friends, we have been lovers in the past…

God I don’t know. Sometimes I think I should just be celibate until I find the passion I crave.

I hope the psychic calls me back today.

The weekends have been so hard for me since S dumped me so easily.  Last weekend I made it til Sunday morning. I hope I can get through Sunday this week, without being hit by a rogue wave.  Even if I get knocked down, I won’t reach out…I’m sure of that.  He is growing fainter in my psyche.  I ignore his messages, the ones I feel, (there aren’t any others) more easily now, they are always the same. And only lead to more pain.

I am beginning to feel that he stopped reading my blog, I’m hoping. But I’ve thought that before, and was surprised to find out he still read them.  It doesn’t really matter, I don’t have to deal with his emotions over them, unless he visits me in a dream again.

Just thoughts, emotions settling out.  Time to get the day underway.

Love and light.

Monday Morning Musings.

Posted on by learning to live like water

BOTH

I have 4 ginormous bags of candy for Halloween.  About 800 pieces of small candies.  I get about 300 trick-or-treaters.  I live in a very family oriented development, lots of kids. It’s one long street that loops around, maybe 150 homes, well lit.  People bring carloads of kids here and drop them off.

Usually my best friend comes over and hands out candy with me, we sit on my front steps with a drink and have fun talking to and seeing the kids in their costumes.  This year, we both forgot it was Saturday night, she’s not sure her husband didn’t make plans, so I still have to find that out.  Another friend said she might stop by.  But if no one can come, I may ask Jim, the new guy if he wants to come do it with me.

I’m not sure I’m ready to have him at my house.  But I suppose I will know better by the end of the week, when we’ve been out a couple more times.  We have lunch tomorrow, and dinner on Friday night.  He actually made me smile, he wanted to go to lunch, but he said, “I don’t want to give up Friday night though…”  He actually called me yesterday morning to see if I could meet him again for coffee.  I declined, I was making plans to go out and run errands with a friend.  That would probably have been too much for me, too soon, to see him both days of the weekend.  I really have to take this slow.  But it was really pleasant for me to know he wants to see me, that he enjoys my company. I enjoy his, but my heart is so guarded right now.  I want to take my time, and let it open in it’s own time.  It’s open to “like” right now.  Not to passion, but to “like”. Passion too soon gets me in a lot of trouble anyway, lol.  Anyway, he is in the middle of his divorce, not done with it yet. I was a bit concerned about that, but as we talked, I could tell his marriage is definitely over, and just the details of splitting assets etc have to be completed. It’s not a problem for me at the moment, I am not feeling attached at this point.

I have book club tomorrow night.  I always enjoy that, being with 4 of my best friends, talking about our books, and the way our spiritual journeys have impacted our lives.  Yesterday I immersed myself in the book.  Also watched a marathon of Oprah’s new series “Belief” which ended with Louis Schwartzberg’s short film “Gratitude”.  If you get a chance, watch it on youtube, it’s an amazing piece of film.  All of it helped me in moving forward.

I’m feeling at peace this morning.  I have been doing the Ho’oponopono (inspired by Megan) and will continue to .  It is healing for both you and the one you direct it to.  I feel this morning that I have a deeper understanding of unconditional love, and how I can feel it without attachment.  I think I have found my center again.  I have also been doing self reiki, knowing that my heart chakra has been blocked for some time.  One of the members of my book club also performs reiki, I may ask her to give it to me.  It is more effective for me I think, than self-reiki.  At least, right now.

Just some Monday morning musings.  Love and light, all.

Forgiveness

Posted on by learning to live like water

This is a lesson I from my marriage.  It is the only way to release the pain, anger, disappointment, sadness, the bitter taste of cruelty and mistreatment, and begin to rebuild your life.

I want to do this with S.  He chose what he chose, for his own reasons, never to be really understood by me.  I don’t believe he wanted to hurt me.  I believe he didn’t know how NOT to hurt me.  It can’t be undone, and it’s time for me to accept it, and stop trying rationalize that which is to me, irrational.  Another lesson from my marriage, you cannot explain an irrational act.  It’s time I remember that.

My focus now, will be to forgive, to find the unconditional love that I have always had for him and leave it somewhere deep in my heart.  It is never a bad thing to love, it is never stupid, and I think it had a purpose in his life.  I hope it did.  Even if he doesn’t see it now, maybe he will someday.  I’d hate for this all to have been for naught.  I hope that in his dark days, of which he has a lot this time of year, as the days grow shorter and darker, he will be able to know that someone loved him without limit, beyond reason, and it will give him strength.

This morning, I begin cutting the energetic cords between us, by beginning the process of forgiveness.

Sundogs and Gongs

Posted on by learning to live like water


It’s a beautiful morning this morning.  Cool, not cold, the leaves are beginning to turn in earnest, and the sunrise painted the sky.  (I took the pic from my deck at about 6:30).  Promises to be a good day.

I went to a gong bath last night.  It was really good to see my old friend.  She had such a struggle in the past years, but has come out on the other side whole, with even more compassion than ever, more love than ever. The energy in the room was calm, healing. She has done some interesting things since she recovered from her cancer and her long time (20+ years) ended.  She told me she used to ask herself why all this happened to her, and really struggled with it.  She came to the conclusion she may never know and she’s no longer asking.  I smiled at her and said, “You always used to tell me I didn’t need to know….”  And she laughed, because she walked through a lot of my divorce/custody stuff with me.  She was not a close close friend, but was kind of a spiritual adviser.  Through her I found the gongs, found meditation, found a path that has worked for me.

The gongs worked their magic.  I went to purposefully try to make some sense, in my heart, of my relationship with S.  I think I was able to do that, though it will probably take some time to settle out.  When it was over, I realized my eyes and eyelashes were moist  I had not known that I had been crying at all.  I felt kind of drained….but knew that that feeling would not stay, I knew that it was just emotions being released, and replaced, and acknowledged.

Yesterday I saw two sundogs….once on the way to work, once while I was at lunch.  I was texting with S, and the conversation ended badly.  He seemed angry, I was frustrated.  During that conversation I saw the second sun dog.  They have always been a good sign for me, a sign that everything will be ok.  That there is a greater power, that can do miraculous things like put an aura around the sun, and that the world is indeed unfolding as it should.  (In case you have never seen one, this is a google pic.  I only saw one, the one to the right of the sun.  It showed as a sideways rainbow, with a glowing spot in the middle.)

As I said to my friend…we don’t have to know why, just accept enjoy the fact that they exist.  Accept and enjoy our lives.  When one door closes another will really open, the universe is conspiring to bring us what we ask for.

My prayer has always been that I would know the love of a good man before I die.  I still believe that is coming toward me. I’m guessing that things not working out with S, if they don’t, has been so that I have room in my heart for the right man when he shows up.  And that maybe I’ll be able to recognize him when he does.  I still will always love S, but I know I can let go of any dream I had that he was the one.

Anyway, I’m not sure the story with S is fully written.  I’ll just see what happens, and follow my intuition and my heart.  I’ll continue doing those things that make me stronger, meditating, gong baths, connecting with people, writing, being creative, taking care of my house, celebrating that I have a rich full life.

Contentment

Posted on by learning to live like water

I’m working on contentment.  I would like to be content with things as they are, not wishing they were different.  Today, after the chaotic week I had, I actually feel it’s possible.

There’s a cleansing rain falling, been falling since yesterday afternoon.  It’s actually a winter type Nor’easter, having rained about an inch or so in that time.  If it was winter, it would have been a foot of snow.  One of the reasons I want to move to where winter isn’t.  Or at least doesn’t include storms with snow measured in feet.

Content.  Actually, I am feeling pretty content today.  I have started the work on my house to get it ready to sell.  I lost two more pounds this week, which brings me to about 10 lbs since winter, a really good thing.  If I could lose 20 more, I’d be really content!  But two pounds in a week is good, enough to content me.

I am content to know that S is not in imminent danger with his health, and content that he has not communicated with me.  It’s kind of freeing, to get away from the chaotic emotion which has defined our relationship.

I had two 2 hour phone conversations with friends yesterday, close close friends.  It’s unusual for me, to spend that much time on the  phone, but it was what I needed, to feel that close connection with people I love and have known for many years.

I’m going down to the shore today to collect the money from the guy who is renting my boat slip for the season.  That will be nice.  The rain should be over by about noon, I’m going later.  It always does me good to be where I can smell the salt air.  Growing up in the middle of this country, I never dreamed that one day my life would involve being out on the ocean every weekend and vacation of the summer. God, how I loved it.  For the 30 years I was married, summer was about being on the ocean.  Going to sleep to the lapping of the water on the sides of the boat, waking up to gentle rocking, having coffee in the cockpit, listening to the gulls, watching the fishing boats ply the waters.  I miss it…but who knows, maybe it will someday be part of my life again.  We owned our slip at a dockominium complex, and in the divorce, my ex got the boat, and I got the slip.  He has since sold the boat, which made me sad.  It was a lovely boat, I picked it out. But it is what it is. When a marriage goes bad, there’s no where to get away on a boat, and I had to give it up too.

So, contentment, is where I am today.  Accepting what is, happily.  Hopefully with grace.  I would have to say that grace led me to this content place, and I am blessed.

Peace

Posted on by learning to live like water

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In the stillness of the early morning

In the cool rays of a rising sun

The echoes of the crickets not yet stopped their chirping

There is peace.

In the expansiveness of a quiet mind

In the depth of a waking soul

In the beauty seen with eyes closed

There is peace.

In the hope of worlds unspoken

In the joy of dreams unseen

In the love that is unconditional

There is peace.

Transformation

Posted on by learning to live like water

I talked to my ex husband yesterday.  It is unusual.  I didn’t talk to him for 6 or 8 months, and twice now in the last 10 days.  He has led himself down the primrose path to destruction.  I believe that now, now that he has created so much chaos for himself,, he is reaching out to the one person who he knows always loved him.  He needed help sorting something out, and I was able to cut through the bullshit for him, (which is all self created by him), and let him see reality.

Then he told me his aunt passed away a couple of days ago.  This is unusual, in that this is the 3rd (at least) member of his family to die since we’ve been apart, but the first one he’s told me about.  It was too late for me to go to the wake or the funeral, but at least I can send her children a card.  They were part of my life for 40 years, I was grateful that he told me.  Which means to me, that he perhaps doesn’t see me anymore as the cause of all his problems, but as someone who just had to save her own life,, (and our sons).  Perhaps it means that going forward our relationship will be based on commonalities, on the better part of our history, instead of the abuse he piled on my son and I in an effort to maintain control.  I hope so.  I would like to see him as a friend.  It’s been 8 1/2 years since I left him.

I would hope that the same can be true of S and I.  S was the first man I was involved with since my divorce.  I feel still the unconditional love I have always felt for him, despite the ugliness that came up in the last few days.  I know we can’t be together as we were right now, but I am not forecasting the future.  How can we know?

My friend A left on a grand adventure this morning.  Downsized from a 3800 sq ft beautiful home to a camper, with his son.  They are headed out to the Olympic Peninsula eventually, stopping along the way where ever they feel the desire.  By October he will be in Texas at his brothers ranch, and then on to the Southwest in the spring.  I went to see him, and he told me,  “Look at me, I have to say this now, I won’t have another chance.  I know I scared you with it before.  But,   I just want you to know I love you so much.  You have forever changed me.”  I still do not feel the passion for him that he feels for me, and I’m glad, because I was just able to be excited for him to take on this adventure.  He’s a sweet man, we will stay in touch.

But the whole point is, love never dies, does it?  It can change, and transform, but it’s energy.  Energy can’t be created or destroyed, only transformed.  My love for these 3 men in my life will continue to change, but it will always exist.  No matter what has been thrown at me, the hate, the anger, the viciousness that can accompany pain….in the end, it is always love that is left.

I’m at peace with all of this.  I’m happy to have found a way back to peace with all of them.

Love and light, all.