Monthly Archives: August 2016

Selling Off A Bit of My Sacred Space

Posted on by learning to live like water

deck furniture

I have a few things that I need to sell or give away, large items, before I move. Yesterday I put some ads on a FB page that is a never-ending tag sale for my town only. I put my deck furniture and my grill up, for $50 each. I could have sold the deck furniture 10 times in 3 hours, it was amazing. A guy is coming by today to get it. I think I paid Walmart $150 or something for it when I moved in. It needs new cushions, they are all thread-bare now.

But I will miss it. It’s where I sit in the summer, in the morning, in the evening. It’s where S and I used to sit and talk, or star gaze for hours. We watched the meteor shower out here one night. One night we saw moondogs, it was my first time. But I digress. There are so many memories for me, every time I start sorting and packing. This will be good to let go of. One less reminder of what was and wasn’t.

Still, it feels like I’m selling off pieces of my sacred space.  Gotta let go of stuff, like the Buddha says, Non-attachment is the way.

For the next few weeks, I’ll just have to pull another chair out here, and maybe a tv table.

I didn’t get any bites on the grill, which needs new burners. My son said they are not a big deal to put in. The grill cost me $350 or so, It’s in good shape except the burners. It’s a really good grill.

Today I have to clean up the washer and dryer in the basement, the spare ones, and get them listed. I brought them with me from the condo I had been living in, they are perfectly good. I thought my son might want them if and when he moved out, never forseeing the moves that would happen 5 years later. And I have a couch and loveseat in the basement, that he uses. They are both pull-out beds, nice green microfiber. I also bought those for the condo I rented for 4 years. I need to sell them too. Or I’ll have to just give them away.

My neighborhood is having a tag sale next Saturday. So whatever is left, I will try to sell then. I have a lot of just stuff I’m not taking. Like a door wreath for the winter with a snowman on it. Not really appropriate for Florida, LOL. Snow shovels, maybe a rake.

This morning I need to get to the grocery store, and clean up my kitchen counters and floors, then continue with the packing and sorting. It feels overwhelming at times. So much to do.

Last night my girlfriend who is also moving when I’m moving, went out with me for a bite to eat. I just could not put together a meal. Tired, I guess. And needed some human connection, after being alone all day with my thoughts and memories. So we went to a local Mexican restaurant, I had shrimp and bacon quesadillas, it was good. One glass of wine and that was it. It’s been so great to have a friend going through this same thing, albeit she is only moving 15 miles from here, and not stopping working, and her kids will stay with her. So not the same, but still, similar.

At least I’m moving along down this path, getting things done. I hope I don’t have to be at the closing, and can leave a day or two before the closing. Gotta get an answer on that from my atty.

Onward….. Love and light, all.

 

Picture at top is my deck furniture.  🙂

How I Got My Breath Back (A Poem)

Posted on by learning to live like water

You took my breath away
Quietly,
I didn’t notice
That it was gone
Until
I couldn’t breathe.

I wanted to breathe again
‘Twas not my lungs you stole
But my heart
That you constricted.
I gave my heart to you
And you began to squeeze it
Sweetly, gently, at first.
I let you continue.
Not realizing
You wanted all the love that it held.

Greedy, you were.
And afraid.
That I might have some left
For myself
For someone else.
Never knowing
You could have it all
Without taking.

It flowed freely
Till you squeezed it dry.
And when it stopped….
You let go,
You dropped it on the ground,
Like an old cigarette,
Squishing it with your foot
To make sure it was out for the count,
And walked away,
To find another victim
Whose heart you could crush
With your gentle greedy squeezing.

What you didn’t realize was,
When you let go of mine,
I refilled it.
I won’t give it back to you.

You’ll always be a vagabond
Searching for a heart to clutch
And steal the lifeforce from.
But like mine,
When you let go,
Each one will fill up once more,
Never letting you touch them again.

Haiku No. 144: Let Us Rise Strong

Posted on by learning to live like water

Brave and broken hearted

Today is my day
To live, to love, to enjoy.
It’s yours too, my friend.

How will you spend it,
This gift, a glorious day?
Let yourself feel love.

Don’t let the pain steal
From you the joy that is yours.
Your birthright, my friend.

Let the pain transform
You, more lovely than before.
Don’t let it own you.

Feel it til it’s gone,
Then see who you really are.
Rise, my friend, rise strong.

How I Deal With the Pain of Having Had A Narcissist in My Bed (A Sequel)

Posted on by learning to live like water

This is actually a sequel, I guess, to the narcissist post immediately preceding this post.  In the same newsletter from Oprah.com there was this excerpt from Marianne Williamson’s book “From Tears to Triumph, The Spiritual Journey from Suffering to Enlightenment.”

So many people don’t understand how I can forgive my narc, how I can say I still love him, how I can wish good things for him. I think Marianne Williamson explains it here. My quest, my journey, has led me to believe in the power of unconditional love. I believe it is the only thing that can destroy the darkness in people, and the only way to raise the consciousness of all people, is for all of us to try to extend love whenever, wherever we can.

I know he was a classic narc. I know he’s not always happy about that. I know he finds himself in darkness so often, and can’t find a way out. I know he’s been fending for himself since he was tiny, and I know the pain he’s suffered. He’s a classic narc, whose narcissism grew out of some really horrible circumstances.

This article I just copied and will paste below one paragraph from, explains quite well where I am with my emotions for my narcissist. I think the book will probably be next on my booklist to read. I have always said that great beauty can be borne of great pain. I hope this can still be true for my narc at some point in his life, that he’s able to see the soul I’ve always seen and let it shine.

Here are Marianne’s words, with a link to the whole article if you’re interested. Love and light all.

“And that is the ultimate deliverance from suffering—the realization that we can be better people because of it. The spiritual journey from emotional pain to inner peace entails a transformation of our personalities, from being someone weakened by suffering to someone honed by it. Yes, we must look at the darkness within ourselves, and forgive others for the darkness that we see within them, in order to experience the miracle of love that only forgiveness brings. Yet, in so doing, we emerge victorious. And within that light, endless miracles abound. For miracles occur naturally as expressions of love. We grow less imprisoned by our fears as we release them to thoughts of love. No longer in denial about our issues, we atone and learn to forgive ourselves. No longer blaming others, we are able to forgive them. We experience a cosmic re-parenting from which we grow, at last, into the adults we were meant to be. This is the greatest story, the story of all stories, and it is the story of every one of us.”


Read more: http://www.oprah.com/inspiration/the-unexpected-route-to-a-spiritual-miracle#ixzz4GY4zsREc

When a Narcissist Is In Your Bed

Posted on by learning to live like water

Every morning I sit down at the computer, watch the sun come up, and read my email. During the week it’s “Notes from the Universe” that I read first, but I don’t get them on weekends. So I was perusing the multitude of stuff and found this, from Oprah.com

I don’t often write about clinical narcissism. I’ve read a lot of it, but haven’t discussed it too much here. I’ve discussed a LOT falling for and being mad crazy in love with a narcissist though. This morning, there was an article titled “How to Deal with the Narcissist in Your Life.” It is written by Jeffrey Kluger, The author of The Narcissist Next Door: Understanding the Monster in Your Family, in Your Office, in Your Bed—in Your World and he explains how to deal…without destroying yourself.

He listed the 5 places you find them, in your life. The first 2 had to do with work, in the bosses office or the cubicle next door. I didn’t read those, lol. I stopped at #3, “In your bed”. The first advice was this: “Get out of bed. Run away. Don’t look back. Any questions?”

That just made me laugh so hard. It is so true. Because boy, had I recognized it, I would have done that. I knew better. I thought I’d share what else he has to say about it. It’s good information, for anyone who deals with a narc, and it’s not a long read, just a few paragraphs. So much truth, about the being faithful early on, about their sexy charm, about the cheating, about the lying (OMG, that was my narcs specialty, to both of the women who loved him. Imagine how many times he lied to me, and to her about where he was), about them not ever really listening. And yes, I do believe he will always cheat. Maybe not at the moment, but he did, he’s done it a number of times to her, and did to me. I told him I don’t think monogamy is in his genes, and I stand by that. Like it says, it’s about his self image, and he needs lots of women to want him. He told me so many times that he fantasized about having a different woman every day. When I found out about her he asked me, in all seriousness, why he couldn’t have one woman on Wednesday and another one on Saturday? Wow. Just, wow. He may be playing the good puppy on a leash for her now, but that’s not something that will lay low in his psyche forever. One day when she is feeling secure, she’ll loose her grip and he’ll be in someone elses bed. Both times that she’s told him never to talk to her again, he was, or wanted to be, (I said no the second time) in my bed, immediately, again.

Yep, a classic narc. And yeah, get out of bed and run. Don’t look back. It will happen again and again. Heed the red flags flying.

(What always shocks me is how I can at times still miss him so much. And care for him still so much.  Like, WTF is wrong with you????”  But at least I know better than to act on any of it now.)

So, here it is…. and a link to the rest of the article if you’re interested.

“Okay, maybe it’s more complicated than that. It’s very easy to fall for the charm of a narcissist; and since charm often equals sexy, and sexy often equals sex, things get messy fast. Paradoxically, narcissists are often quite faithful in the early stages of relationships, because what frequently leads people to cheat is insecurity: If you’re afraid the person you love doesn’t love you back, you begin looking for your next landing spot. Narcissists can’t conceive that they’re not adored, so they don’t go through that phase.

But they’ll cheat soon enough, because for narcissists, a relationship is all about how the partner enhances their own self-image. That means always trading up to someone who’s younger, prettier, richer—or just plain newer. Narcissists will lie about where they’ve been and what they’re doing; they’ll listen less and less when you speak (not that they ever listened much to begin with), and they’ll leave you flat if you don’t leave first.

If you’re married to a narcissist you’re in a lot deeper. Here you must confront the problem squarely and suggest—indeed, insist on—either marriage counseling, individual therapy for your spouse, or both. Narcissists resist that, since the nature of the condition is that they don’t accept that anything is wrong with them. But stand your ground—and if that doesn’t work, consider leaving the marriage. You deserve better.

This broad rule holds for both sexes, but when it comes to romance, women really are in greater peril than men. A 2008 study, by a researcher at New Mexico State University, looked at the improbable attraction many women have to men who exhibit the so-called dark triad of personality traits: narcissism, Machiavellianism and impulsive thrill-seeking. The paper crunched the statistics and found that these men outscore other men in number of sexual encounters in any given week, month or year. If you’re seeing or married to one of these guys, that alone argues for getting single or unmarried fast.”


Read more: http://www.oprah.com/spirit/how-to-deal-with-the-narcissist-in-your-life_1#ixzz4GXu4xESF


Haiku No. 143: Retirement (7 parts, yeah it’s long, lol)

Posted on by learning to live like water

retirement

Three weeks of work left.
Holy cow! It’s happening!
I’ve never not worked.

Not since age 19
When I was in school, felt free.
I only worked summers.

In 3 weeks I’m done.
A week later, head out west
with my son, I’m scared.

In 5 weeks, I’ll move
Myself. My life. So scary.
So exciting too.

At times, think I’m nuts
to do all this, at this age.
But is there a choice?

No, there’s not, for me.
So onward, to warmer climes
And easier life.

Feeling joy rising.
Peace is happening, starts now
Love is forever.

(Very) Early Morning Musings

Posted on by learning to live like water

I woke at 4:15 this morning. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised because I was asleep at 9:30. I lay in bed for about 45 minutes, just thinking about things. Moving, the foundation cracks, lol, the men I’ve loved.

The moving, the house selling, it will all be over soon. So, I just have to make my way through each day, and do what needs to be done. Taking it one thing at a time, I’m sure I’ll get it all done, easily.

The men, idk. I was thinking about my ex. His name is the same as my son’s so I don’t use it on here, because I don’t want to confuse anyone. But it’s Bruce. I was thinking about the fondness I still feel for S, and how I have none for my ex, who I was with for 40 years. I guess the difference is my ex, B, eroded that love every day for years with his control and abuse of me, and my son. I don’t wish him any ill, I don’t have to, lol. He’s done a damn fine job of fucking up his life with no help from me. I wish him love and light, all good things, but I know with his last breath he will blame me for his problems.

I thought about how, when he was in control, he used to occasionally have these 2 or 3 day brain-washing sessions with me, before my son was born. He would brow beat me, and yell at me, and threaten me for days. I couldn’t leave the house. I was his captive scapegoat for all the ills in his life. And back then we had very few ills. We had enough money, a decent home, a yacht, but still he had to make me feel less than human anytime I began to feel happy and secure. And then he’d say, “I love you, I would think you’d listen to me, knowing it was for your own good.” Geezus. It was for his. To have himself a servant who would do everything, who was dancing around trying to win his favor.

One particular time, during one of those brain-washing sessions, he decided that I did not deserve my 1 1/3 carat heart shaped diamond. He ordered me to give it to him. I refused. He got up from the couch as I sobbed, went in the kitchen and got a pair of pliers out of a drawer where he kept a few tools. He came back, and grabbed my hand and broke the setting, so that the diamond fell out. I am sure, 100% positive, that if I’d fought him he would have broken my hand. He was 6’2”, about 240 lbs, and had arms like most people’s thighs. Very strong, he was a nationally ranked swimmer at one time.

He put the diamond and the broken setting in an envelope and put it in a kind of jewelry box in our bedroom. Folded up tight, so it was about a 1” square. I always knew where it was. I believed that some day he’d realize what a good wife I was, and how I was trying so hard to do everything he asked (while he did nothing at all for me, but I guess I believed I didn’t deserve it) and he’d get it reset one day.

He never did.

When I moved out of the house in 2007, I opened the envelope and took the diamond. I left him the broken setting.

But that just illustrates how dysfunctional he was, and I was, and we were. That we managed to have my son after that is amazing. But thank God, my son is a blessing to me borne of that pain.

S…..well, he betrayed me when I loved him the most. My love for him didn’t die over time. It never had a chance to die a natural death. I grieved and grieved, and still do some days. It’s easier when I never hear from him, I’m much more able to see the dysfunction that surrounds him, and was part of our relationship so much more clearly. I know it would never have lasted, even if there were no B, because I wanted more that he’s capable of giving. It’s been almost 2 months now since I’ve heard from him, and I am fine with it. I have some fond memories, tempered by the reality of his nature. I can love him, who he was to me, I can be grateful for that time in my life. I am so happy to know that after my long miserable marriage, (and long miserable divorce) I can still love someone so passionately, so intensely.

I don’t think he and I can be friends, though. I’d like to be, but I don’t think B will allow it. Even if I’m in FL, 1500 miles away, she would be jealous. He says she’s not, I say, you don’t see it. She’s a master of the passive aggressive stuff. Never wants to talk to him again, until I do. Then she does. Never wants to be with him again, until I am, then she still loves him. Whatever.

I know that I can’t go there again. I can say never say never, but I gotta be real. He is never going to want to make the changes that I’d like to see in him. I think he is much more comfortable with the game playing, the push pull thing, and with misery and unhappiness than happiness, because he sabotages his own life constantly in an effort to prove to himself he’s not worthy. I will always tell him he is. I would, am, always here for him if he wants to talk. But I know he can’t trust himself, so he doesn’t trust me.

I will say, one reason I loved him so, was because he let me be me. All the time. Even though I talked too much, lol. He knew how to quiet me down. Take me to the beach, or somewhere, tell me a story, put on some music that was new to me and tell me about it, or take me to bed. But the freedom I felt with him, after being with a man who tried to control what I said, wore, how I wore my hair, how I walked, yada yada yada, was blissful for me. For that I will always love him. Now that I know what that’s like, I intend to find it again, in a man who is capable of loving, who seeks the light, and is happy and likes himself.

All good lessons with these men. Painful, but good. I know myself, I’ve found myself through the pain that I experienced with them both. I can say to my ex, I love you and I wish all good things for him, he is making himself pay for sins he thinks he must have committed, I am sure. I can say to S, love always and all ways, because that too is true. Because I do. I will. All the betrayal, really, that S orchestrated, was him, sabotaging himself, setting himself up to fail. He hurt me, yes, but for me it’s temporary. I can find my way out. I don’t look into the abyss. I walk away from it, even if I’m on my hands and knees crawling.

At peace this lovely morning. Nice to put things into perspective.

Love and light, everyone.

I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends

Posted on by learning to live like water

I am so blessed to have friends like I do. Honest to God. My friend Peter the gong player, aka owner of probably the most respected concrete company in this area, came over tonight. He came tonight, instead of tomorrow, so that when he gets into his office at 5:30 he can write up a report for me. He’s my age, 65. His birthday is 3 days after mine. And he is up working at 5:30 then at my house at 5:30 PM. He was here for about 45 minutes.

He said all of the cracks are settling cracks. There is nothing structural to worry about. They are caused by not compacting the ground well enough under the slab, and the slab settles, and makes cracks. He said, I don’t need to take up tiles. I can tell you if I take up tiles I will find a crack. But they are all settling cracks.

So, I said, You know Peter, if there’s something that needs fixing there’s something there. But at least if you tell me that I’ll know it’s true. He said, “Deb, there’s no structural damage, nor is there a crack that would cause it.”

So we’ll see what the buyers say when we get his report. He is such a decent man. Holds gong baths, runs sweat lodges, is a long time mentor for The Mankind project. These are the things through which I’ve come to know him, so I know that the way he runs his business is completely above board.

I sit next to our controller at work. I was telling him how my friend who owned the concrete business was coming out to look at my house, and mentioned his company, and the controller said, “Peter?!!!” Turns out, he is best friends with Peter’s brother, was in the Mankind project with him, and has gone to his sweat lodges. I was like, “We had all this in common, all this time???!!!” So we’ve been chit chatting a lot about all that stuff. Who knew, lol!

I’m feeling way more relaxed tonight. I have hot water. I have a slight handle on the foundation cracks. My son is feeling good because he got 2 phone interviews today from apps he’s filled out on line. He’s very excited about the T-Mobile one. He’s hoping they get back to him for a Skype interview.

My work is the same as ever, but I have so little interest in it right now. It is a struggle to stay with it, it really is. I am so ready to be done. 3 weeks after tomorrow. Sigh…..Getting so close.

Love and light everyone.

Rising, A Poem

Posted on by learning to live like water

A thin layer of morning dew
coats the world in the early morning hours.
The sun rises,
and the dew transforms.
Curling, rising,
Finding its way back to source.

When I came outside early this morning, the morning dew was steaming off of every surface.  It was so beautiful.  I captured it in video, but cannot put the video up here.  I hope you can envision it, and share it with me anyway.   Love and light.

By Deborah E. Dayen