Monthly Archives: August 2016

Lessons From Skywalking (A Poem)

Posted on by learning to live like water

skywalking

Skywalking, she sees
as above, so below
As within, so without.

No footprints were left in the clouds.
No sign that her spirit floated by
She reached for a star,
To guide her
She reached within
To discern her path.

She saw the beautiful earth
The bluest deepest oceans teeming with life,
The green forests full of tall trees,
The mountains scraping the clouds with majestey
The deserts, vast and simple.

Was it an illusion?
Or mixed with reality?
Unsure, but greater
She walked home
To this earth
Where she tread softly still
Leaving no mark upon this earth.

Grateful to walk,
And to fly when she wanted.
‘Twas love that lifted her
To the sky.
‘Twas love that brought her home again.

In the end, there is only love.
Always and everlasting.

By Deborah E. Dayen

Picture from Google Images

First Surrender, Then Gratitude

Posted on by learning to live like water

I was up for 2 hours in the middle of the night last night, worrying. About my son’s living arrangements, or lack of, in CO. About whether or not the people are going to accept my offer about the foundation cracks in the house. But more about my son. Because, that’s what we do. As mothers. I don’t care about the fact it could cost me $5000, I care that my son had no place to live in CO.

I wrote the poem this morning. My head hurt, my stomach was upset. Bad enough when your only child leaves home, but to leave it so far away, and not to yet know where he will go, if it will be safe…. My son and I have been through so much. I don’t want the terror visited on him by his father ever to visit him again. So, yeah, I’m a little over-protective I guess. But I’ve seen the dark side. I’ve worked too hard to leave it in our past, to take a chance again that it might find a way in.

So, then, on the way to work, I had a conversation with the Universe. It went something like this.

“I can’t do anything about this.” “It’s not in my control.” “I’m turning it over to you, because in your infinite wisdom, what should happen will happen. I am good with whatever it is. I’ll take him to FL and we will drive to CO from there if we have to. I just want him to be in a safe, comfortable place. But it’s up to you, what happens. I let go. I give it to you.”

Or something along those lines. I don’t remember exactly the words, they were thought words, running through my head.

Immediately, I felt physically better, and more able to face the day ahead at work.

I was at work about a half hour and my son called me. In a wicked (a very New England thing to say) cheery voice he said, “Hi, Mom. I think I really have a place this time.” He went on to tell me that he just talked to a woman for a half hour, she had a 4 bedroom home in the town he wants to live in. He said, “She’s a carbon copy of you Mom, she’s into spiritual healing and all that stuff. She teaches English to immigrants. She has another room you can rent if you come to see me, half the price of a hotel room. She’s gonna send me the application. She said I have a really great personality, and she has a really good feeling about me.”

So, what I did on the way to work, was surrender it to the Universe. Let go of attachment to the outcome, and trust.

And what I got in response was exactly the answer I needed.  Immediately. First After we hung up I just looked up and said, “Thank you.” I felt like crying. I have stressed so much over this.

He’s only going to live there a few months, but I think it is a perfect step down from the comfort of living with me, to living on his own. It is perfect. She sent the application tonight, he filled it out immediately and returned it. He will give her the security deposit, and I will feel safe enough to drive my son to CO.

I am so grateful right now. So grateful, on so many levels. Just can’t say more. He’s my only kid, and he’s an awesome kid. I’m just grateful.

Love and light.

Lots of Happy Flowing

Posted on by learning to live like water

I had a good day today! As I sit here eating my single square of salted caramel dark chocolate, I am feeling about as good as this morning! Cool…..

I went to my endocrinologist this morning. Diabetes dr. My numbers were good! And I lost 4 more lbs. A total of, idk, 25 maybe in the last year. It all was good enough to cut my meds back some. Not a lot, but it’s the first time they’ve ever wanted to cut them back! I’m on the right trajectory! Made me really happy! She checked all my prescriptions and made sure I had enough refills to get by until I get a new dr.

One odd thing was, they took my blood pressure, and it’s historically been low. I told her it was probably going to be high, with all the stress from moving, etc. It was 130/54. I said, who has BP like that? The top number is high, the low number is low. Weird……Usually, it’s like 115/70 or so. That was a little crazy.

Work was a bear today, but so what? 2 ½ weeks and it will be over for me. Not my problem then.

Then I had my hair done after work, cut and highlighted. Damn, I will miss my hair dresser. She gave me the formula for the color that she uses, so I can find someone down there maybe.

My son at least started getting call backs and text backs on the rooms and apts he’s looking at Progress, but it’s slow. He got another call back on his resume too. Coming together slow but sure.

So, it’s all good. Life is good.

Love and light.

This Morning, No Loss, Only Gain

Posted on by learning to live like water

 

happiness

This morning I awoke at my normal time, 5:30. It was lovely, cool. The day yesterday was in the high 80’s, as today is supposed to be, and the night was cool, it’s in the low 60’s this morning. Perfection, not a cloud in the sky. The people who bought my deck furniture have not come back yet to pick it up, so I am still sitting in my sacred space, typing this. Another gifted day for me.

I awoke happy this morning. Really feeling happy. I don’t know if I finally sat with that funk long enough, missing him, or what, but today it seems gone. Today I feel so ready to move forward, with no regrets, not longings for anything that wasn’t. Today I can see that what was behind me should be behind me, and that what I have in front of me can be just the most amazing part of my life.

I have told my son that the least of my worries is whether or not he’ll get a job. He’s been filling out applications online and has had 3 or 4 good call backs. He hasn’t found a place to live yet, and that has been my biggest worry. I told him last night, if he doesn’t have a place to live he’s coming with me, lol. There is no way I’m taking him to Denver without a place waiting for him. He said he’s contacted 50 places and they won’t get back to him.

So I looked on Craigslist myself last night. I came to realize that he probably hasn’t gotten a callback because he has no rental history. I told him, you need to tell them you’ve been paying $400 a month for years, which he has, to me. That he’s been making a car payment for over a year, never a minute late. And he bought some stuff on a credit card, just so he’d have credit, and paid it off on time. I told him to get a free credit check and print it out and tell people they are welcome to see it.

He said he’s going to do that this morning, and hopefully that will make a difference. He is seriously one of the most responsible 24 year olds I know. He’s offering 3 months rent up front. Because I’m serious, he’s not going without a place to live. No way. And I know he doesn’t want to come to Florida and live in a town full of “90 year olds Mom.” LOL. Whatever. Just find a nice place to live and I’ll be good.

Didn’t hear from my buyers about the offer I made yet. I’m guessing they had to have the report checked out by someone. I hope I hear today. I can’t imagine that they won’t take it, if they love the house. I don’t think I could be more fair.

So much to do this week. Tag sale Saturday, and I need to make sure I get everything together that I want to try to sell. Tonight I have a hair appointment, Thursday I’m going out with some friends for dinner. So I have tomorrow night and Friday night to prepare.

Work has become a little easier. I’m turning over most everything to my replacement to do, while I’m still there, to assist in whatever she has questions about. She is still so overwhelmed, she gets so confused so easily, but it’s not to be unexpected. She has had to learn the basics of 3 different companies in a relatively short amount of time. I’m sure she’ll be fine, but I know she’s terrified for me to leave.

The other girl who I’m training is not in such a confusing job, and seems to pick it up easily and does not get too upset, she just figures out stuff on her own. She still requires my help on things, but only things that come up that are completely foreign to her.

I think I’m leaving both jobs in good hands, and have done a good job of training them as best I can.

I met with my financial counselor yesterday to talk about what I need to do with the money from the house, and to find out where I should take money from when I need it, and how to switch over my 401K, etc. It all looks good. I feel comfortable with my plans and he seemed to feel comfortable too.

I’ll tell my ex that I’m moving pretty soon, maybe next week, so he won’t get blindsided by it when he goes to his niece’s wedding. I won’t be seeing that whole family again most likely, except maybe the cousin with whom I’m good friends. But I haven’t seen them for years anyway, so it’s fine. They are all very cloistered in their fears of each other.

So, I’m ready. This morning I’m ready for this next chapter of my life to start, and I’m not even feeling choked up when I think about my son being so far away. Well, a little, but not overwhelmingly. For the last 4 days it was so hard. Today I don’t feel like I’m losing anything, only gaining.

It’s a beautiful day today, my life is becoming what I dreamed it would. At the end of the day, there is only love. Always and all ways.

Love and light.

What Will Be (A Poem)

Posted on by learning to live like water

front door

Today, I imagined
That someone came up the steps
to the orange door
To my bright yellow bungalow.
He was following behind me,
And I opened the door,
I turned to smile at him
And took his hand
And led him inside.

I’m not telling any more about that,
(She says, with a wink and a smile).

But it was nice.
It was fresh,
And sweet,
And loving
And fun.

There were no games.
There was no pain.
There was steamy breath
In the air conditioned room.
The palm fronds swept against the porch
And a tropical wind blew across the deck.

I didn’t think about my past.
I didn’t think about my future.
I was happy
In the moment
With this man who was no longer
A stranger to me.

He’s waiting for me there.
He may not know it, yet,
But sure enough,
He’ll tell me that he has been
After we meet,
When we dance up the steps,
Into my front door,
And close the door on the world.

Caught in the Transition

Posted on by learning to live like water

Words not coming easily this morning. Life in flux, wanting to cling to the old life, while the new life knocks on my door. I planned the new life meticulously. I want it. I’m also afraid for it to come.

Change. So much change.

I went out with my bff last night to hear her husband’s band play at the place on the lake that’s out doors. I expected maybe 10 or so friends, but as it turned out it was more like 40. Mostly her family, who are family to me. They’ve included me in so many holidays, and birthdays, and wonderful events. I’ve no family except my son here, so her family became mine. It was good to see them, before I move. But also so many goodbyes, and people I might not see again.

I have had that on my mind now, all weekend, well longer to be truthful. All the people who I won’t see again. And of course, S…..I guess as long as I was here, there was a chance I might see him again, if he was ever free of her. But in moving, it is unlikely, and I really have to let go. I know he’ll cling to her more, without another option. I know all the bad things he is, yet I also know the good, and I miss him, every day, still.

That’s what was causing my free-fall yesterday. My friends caught me mid-air, and kept me from crashing face first onto a brutal landscape. I am so grateful for these people in my life. Maybe I need to go have a good cry for myself.

I have to get on with the business of downsizing my life. I have to let go of the things that have not served me well. I sold my deck furniture yesterday They are coming back today or tomorrow to pick it up. My sacred space will no longer have a table and chairs for me to sit with my morning coffee, and do my meditation. Until I get to my new home, and buy some furniture for that deck.

Transition. Change. It’s all hard. At 65 I am ready to be settled once again. I know I will be, in a place that will make me very happy. But the next 6 weeks are going to be very difficult, as I let go of a good lilfe here, for what I believe will be a better life there.

Maybe I need to go have a good cry for myself. Release the attachment. Let the love take over and the gratitude. I am so far from the dark place I was in 10 years ago, when I was plotting a way to be free of my ex. My life has manifested in wonderful and amazing ways. I need to trust it will continue to do so. And that it will do this for my son also.

Onward…The only direction possible.

Love and light to all.

Awaiting Rebirth

Posted on by learning to live like water

free falling

Free falling
Can’t find the ripcord.
Headed straight for a fall
A hard,
bone-breaking,
Spirit shattering,
Intersection with reality.

Oh God, that I could change it
That my parachute would appear,
And carry me safely on the wind
To land softly, on my feet.

Prayers rise,
As I fall
Unable to stop the momentum
Unable to grasp
What I reach for.

How does one
Overcome
A fall to earth
Destined to hurt,
Seemingly unavoidable?

If only there were arms to catch me
To soften the ache
That grows larger
As I grow closer to
The impact.

It is total ruin
Of my psyche.
I know not
How to breathe,
Or laugh,
Or cry,
Or feel.

I am dying
Every second it comes closer.

If ruin is the road to transformation.
Into what will I transform?

This pile of skin and bones
Head and heart.
Somewhere,
Among the broken, scattered, pieces of myself
Lies my soul.

Awaiting rebirth.

ribirth.jpg

By Deborah E. Dayen

Pictures from Google Images.

Letting Go of You, A Little Bit at a Time (A poem)

Posted on by learning to live like water

IMG_2193 (1)

Sunrise from the town dock, Longboat Key, Florida

I let it go
On the summer wind,
With the sun in my eyes,
I let it go.

I remembered what we did here.
I remembered how it felt then.
I smiled, and I cried, just a little.
I will always miss what was
and I will always miss what wasn’t.

But letting go is something I’m getting good at.
Knowing that letting go
Opens the space
For something new and wonderful
To come in.

Entering the autumn of my life,
I cling to summer.
So, I go where it is warm,
Where I’ll not be reminded
Of the summer dreams that
turned into nightmares.
Where new dreams will be born.

I wish you love and light,
I wish all good things for you.
Even though we don’t talk,
We talk, on levels we don’t understand.
I still feel you, all the time.
I hope you are happier than what I feel.

Let us both feel good about what was,
Just between us, when there was no one else.
Peace to you. Peace to me.
Love always and all ways.