I don’t know. I just don’t know.

I went to bed last night, in my bed, but my room is empty. Everything that made it mine is packed away. Still, it felt safe, and reassuring, and then I realized it was the last time I will go to sleep in that bed in that room. Which brought on a flood of tears, just a flood.

I WANT to go to Florida. I am not second guessing this decision in any way. But, my God, I have loved this place, this house, this town, and I love so many people.

I took a bag of cassette tapes to my ex yesterday. I had about 25 of them. I was driving around with them in my car for the whole summer almost, intending to drop them off, but never being able to pull it together to go to his house. But I don’t have room in the car for a bag of cassettes that I can’t listen to because I have no cassette player. So, I sucked it up and drove over. His cars were all there, so he was home. But I didn’t knock on the door, I just set them down beside the door to his tiny cottage, and left them. As I set them down, all I could smell was the must, and mold, and memories of a life that should not have turned out that way.

He lives next door to the scene of the crime, our old house, where for at least the last 10 years of our life together he emotionally tortured me and my son. The house is in such disrepair, the people who bought it have left it as is. I have no idea what their plan is. I would suppose that at some point they will tear it down and rebuild. But in the meantime, the acre of grass on the lake front has not been mowed all summer. Nothing, absolutely nothing, has changed since my ex lived there.

I drove away in such sadness, for the loss of what was our dream, for the wretchedness of my ex’s life now. For all that never was, but could have been, and all that was, and shouldn’t have been.

I called him to tell them I left them there. He said, “You should have knocked on the door, I could have said hi.” He doesn’t have even a clue how I feel about it all. I just said that I have so much to do, the movers are coming tomorrow.

I have told him 3 times now what the plan for myself and our son is. And still, he asks again, and can’t remember. His mother died from Parkinson’s an Alzheimer’s. I fear it’s setting in with him, and he is alone and far too secretive to tell anyone. I asked him for his email, and he began to go into an epiphany about why he doesn’t have email, but is on the computer all the time. And nothing he says makes any sense. i.e. that he didn’t have the right equipment for email.  That he had set it up many times but it was always hacked.  That he explained all this to our son, and started going into detail about a conversation that never took place.  I asked him if he talked to my son.  And he kind of stopped, dead in his tracks and said, oh I don’t remember when I told him this.  I haven’t talked to him in a long time.

Yeah, like 6 years.  This is what I mean when I say, he just makes up stories and believes them, or assumes everyone does, stories that have absolutely no basis in reality.  Stories that rewrite history in the way he’d like it to be.

Luckily the movers called, and I had a reason to cut the conversation short.

He wears me out, emotionally. Not good emotions either. Triggers, and sadness, and incredulity at the life he’s chosen to live. Yet, I feel I do him some good, talking to him, that somehow it offers him some kind of consolation that I can still care enough to do the right thing.  But it takes so much out of me.

It will be so good for me to leave all of it 1500 miles away. I would be so much happier if I was leaving a situation knowing he would be ok, but I am pretty sure his life will end as a tragedy. He will die in that cottage, and no one will know for days. Or he’ll be found wandering the streets, non-sensical. Or trying to get into the house next door, thinking it’s still his. There is no indication from him that it will not be that way, and every indication it will.

The day was tough, between that, and the Salvation Army not taking my couches, and finishing up all the packing, running up and down stairs many many times.

Then one of my oldest friends came over with my old next door neighbor, (she lives on the other side of my old house from my ex) to say goodbye, and we visited for about an hour on my couch in my boxed up house. It was nice.

This morning, though, I woke up as I went to sleep, weeping again, knowing it was the last time I would wake up in that room that has been my sanctuary for these last 5 years.

I can’t wait til I’m in Florida, and settled in, and can have that feeling again. I just need to get through these last 2 days in tact.

I don’t want to sound ungrateful, because I’m not. I am so blessed in this life, to be able to do what I’m doing, and have friends and family who totally support me in every way possible. But there’s always a ying to the yang and I guess I’m finding it in these last days.

Time for a nice long meditation, and then onward, toward my new life.

Love and light, everyone.

This has been a rough day. The movers are coming tomorrow. Everything is packed except my bedding, which I’ll wash and pack first thing tomorrow morning. Most of the boxes are taped up, and labeled.

But I’ve been on the verge of tears all day. And alone all day, which doesn’t help. Even though people have been calling me on and off all day. I didn’t expect to feel so emotional over this, but I probably should have. I’ve lived in this town since 1978. Kind of silly to think it wouldn’t be really hard.

Salvation Army came to take my couches and wouldn’t take them because the mattresses on the pull out beds have a couple of tiny tears where the springs rubbed against the bed frame. Now, I am frantic trying to get someone to take them off my hands before I leave, so I don’t have to pay the buyers to have them hauled away. I was ready to cry. So stupid, they are nice couches in good shape. Just so stupid.

Then to make things worse, my internet went out. I called the cable co, and they said it was my past due bill, so I paid it, but was surprised because it’s barely a day or two late, I was going to pay it before I left. Well, the internet didn’t come back on, so I shut down and rebooted and noticed when it came back on it was in airplane mode. Which would explain why it wasn’t working. The frigging cursor on a lap top hops around so much, it must have done that without me seeing it. So pissed me off.

I just realized tonight that my guest room bed will be here tomorrow night, since the buyers wanted to keep it. So I could stay here, not at my friends, tomorrow night. After talking to her though, I think i’m better off at her house. I’m starting to lose my shit being alone all day and night with all my stuff in boxes. I need to be around people who know me.

I’m so crazy with this move. I need to be on my way.

Love and light.

It’s my last full day in my house. I can hardly believe it. And I have so much to do I probably won’t even have a second to stop and think about it until tonight. I have some silly worries too.

Like, I HAVE to have a cup of coffee when I get up. Just one cup. But it’s necessary to get on about the day. So I’m concerned about not having the coffee-maker packed by the morning, if they come in the morning, yet, I need it out to have a cup. I’m thinking I’ll just put that super important appliance in the car with me, if I don’t have room to pack it, lol.

Like, I have to give the movers cash or a postal money order. So I have never gotten a postal money order and wonder if they will take a check, or put it on my debit card. Or do I have to run to the bank and get the cash? My bank isi 20 minutes from here. I’ve used the same bank for 20 or so years, but it’s in the city, there are no branches here in my town.

Like, I want to take a shower tonight, and then wash the towels. I want to wash the sheets on my bed tomorrow when I get up. Which means none of them will be packed. And my comforter. I suppose I can try to cram that in somewhere today. If the movers don’t come until afternoon I will have time to pack the sheets and towels and bathmat that I’m using before they come. IDK.

I have to figure this stupid little stuff out today. Can you tell I’m getting down to the nitty gritty?

I’ve moved twice before this, in 10 years. But each move was about a mile and a half away from the other. So I could just make multiple trips back and forth. This move is a little, a lot, different, lol.

Well, I’m off and running this morning. No time to waste. Life is calling…..

Love and light.

My son and I have had long text conversations. He is adjusting, but still not comfortable. He said he dislikes eating dinner alone in a strange house. I said, you usually eat by yourself while on Xbox with your friends.

I know, Mom, but the vibe is different.

I get that. It’s not home.

This house does not seem like mine any longer either. Especially without him in it. I have to admit a few tears rolled down my cheeks when he said that. He chose a hard path, to leave everything he’s ever known. I could not have talked him out of it. And shouldn’t have. He’ll adjust. He’s a strong young man, and he knows what he wants.

But God, I miss him.

My friends are coming over this morning. To take a bunch of my stuff. My snow blower, weed wacker, food in my pantry and freezer. And whatever else they want that I’ve got piled up to have Salvation Army take away tomorrow.

My house will be pretty empty after tonight, except for all the boxes, containing all my possessions of a lifetime.

There is so much to do between now and Tuesday, when the movers come. I woke at 5:30 this morning, wanting to sleep longer. I’d had about 7 hours of sleep, so really, I’d had enough sleep. It was dark…….

But those lists kept writing themselves in my mind. I was thinking about the mail, and how I need to stop the mail here on Thursday, and have it forwarded. Then it occurred to me, that I’ve been having the mail from Florida forwarded here, and need to stop that. However…I’m not sure I have a mailbox up at my house. So I guess I need to just have it held in FL til I get there and deal with the mailbox. In fact, I may not need a mailbox at the street there, they may deliver it to the house. I’ll have to contact the post office there and find out.

Today I’ll get the fridge in the basement cleaned out, and vac and mop the floor. Then try to finish my clothes. I told my son I’ll be so glad to not be living out of a suitcase. I’m looking forward to seeing my sister Thursday.

Getting toward the end of this leg of the journey. The next leg, moving in, should be fun. Some of my best oldest friends will be there to help me.

Thank God for the strong friendships I’ve made during my life. Just thank God.

Love and light.