Category Archives: Acceptance

Sometimes No Answer is the Answer We Need

Posted on by learning to live like water

no-answer

It is so lovely to be off on Monday.  Not only for the extra day off, but because a 4 day work week is so much more palatable than a 5 day.  Sigh…..

I have sent S a text and left a voice mail, asking him about a dr appt he had Friday.  Previously he’d promised to let me know what happened, but I got so angry with him last week for his inability to own his actions, and then to blame me for them, thus denying me once again, that except for one voice mail from him I have not heard from him.  He has not responded to my requests to be informed.

So, I’m just going to have to not know, I guess.  It bothers me somewhat, since I have had such energetic pulls regarding his health in the last few months.  Even when we didn’t speak for two months, I sent him an email saying, please go to the dr.  I have a bad feeling here.  It also bothers me because I told him that whatever it was, I’d be beside him, he wouldn’t be alone.  A promise I’d be hard-pressed to keep at this moment, and perhaps one he doesn’t want me to keep anyway.  IDK.

Besides, I guess I don’t need to know, really.  I need to not be tied to the dysfunction that has commanded front and center in my life for the last month, to let it go, and move away from it.  I removed myself, so the others involved could deal with their issues without my energy.  Even if he had bad news at the dr, I still need to be removed, I guess.

I’ll be in FL in about 3 weeks for a week’s vacation.  My sis and I are going to find a realtor to just begin the search for the neighborhood I want, and research what’s affordable in the places I’m looking at, and who knows maybe come up with some other places. I can get info about the taxes, about the insurance regulations down there, etc.   I’m so looking forward to a clean fresh start, leaving all the old pain and sadness and angers behind me.  It will be so much fun, to actually be moving down the path to this dream, instead of just dreaming.

I am still so excited that my friend may have a buyer for my house.  I have been asking the Universe to let me sell this house quickly and easily….could this be the universe bringing me what I ask for?  Maybe…we’ll see.  It wouldn’t be the first time I have gotten the answer I needed and wanted.

I’d sure like to get off this bumpy road, onto some smoothly paved road with beautiful scenery.  It’s work, but I’ll get there.

Love and light to all.

You’ll Get What You Need

Posted on by learning to live like water

I went to a friend’s house last night with a bottle of wine.  She is a member of my book club, and gets me and the person I am, and how I need to be consistent with my values.  She helped me to manage the anger I felt over the events of the last week, and other issues around them.  I was exhausted, I hadn’t slept but 3 hours the night before, and worked a full busy day.  I think I was running on adrenaline until about 9:30 last night, when I had the overwhelming desire to just lay down and go to sleep.  So I went home and did that.

I keep going back to my friend the gong player’s words, that the deck is always stacked in our favor.  Even when it seems it’s not.  I can believe that and hold on to it.

It’s going to be an incredibly cold weekend here, low temps below 0°F, and wind chills tonight of -20’s F.  Luckily it’s only a couple of days, and not weeks.  Seems a good weekend to start the serious business of getting the house ready to sell, especially since it’s a 3 day weekend here in the US.  I am really ready to work toward beginning this new chapter of my life, and leaving all this old, ugly stuff behind me.

Life doesn’t always give us what we want, thankfully, but usually gives us what we need.  As usual, may the universe work everything out for everyone’s highest good.  Love and light.

Stepping Away From The Edge This Morning

Posted on by learning to live like water

stay away from the edge

The edge is off this morning.  I slept fairly well, without any help from Ambien, though I did have my weird drink which may have helped.  It’s a new day.  A COLD one, and it’s snowing again.  Which makes it every day this week, 4 days, it has snowed.  Thankfully not a lot.  But it gets old, just like when it rains all week.  They say this weekend it won’t snow, but the overnight lows will be -2°F.  That’s frigging cold.

UGH.

I think I need to focus on gratitude today.  I have so much to be grateful for.  And I forget, at times, like last night.  Like when I’m bitching about the snow and cold.  I have a warm house, a lovely house, a decent car, a decent job.  A family who loves me, and friends.  And my health, which while I have my issues (diabetes) they are well controlled and my overall health is fine.

When we come from a place where we have enough, we always have enough.  When we come from a place of lack, we will always lack.  Like Byron Katie says, I seem to always have exactly what I need.  I have enough.

It’s a wish I have for everyone, that they always have enough.  Enough food, heat, love, money, friends, family, hope, joy.  Enough.

I have  gong bath tonight.  My sound healing meditation, where I will spend an hour or so in some other place, allowing things that need releasing to release, healing my confused soul.  I am so looking forward to it.  It is timely, this one, but then…so often they are, there is always something to work on.  There is always another layer to peel off to find my way to my inner peace, to become more authentically myself, and the person I strive to be.

I’ve often said, I’ve never been addicted to anything, except coffee, lol.  Don’t mess with my morning coffee….  But maybe I’m addicted to the sound of 8 gongs crescendo-ing into a tsunami of sound and vibration.  If so, it’s an addiction I’ll hold on to, at least until I move to Florida.  Maybe I’ll have to buy a gong and hold my own down there.

Life looks much more hopeful this morning.  Love and light to all.

 

 

 

 

Doing The Best We Can

Posted on by learning to live like water

the best we can

Do you think people are doing the best they can, usually?  It’s a question we were asking at book club last night, as we sat around my kitchen table eating my soup and biscuits.  We read “The Untethered Soul”, and it seemed ironic to all of us, that the place we used the lessons the most was at work.  Because all of us spend 8 (at least!) hours a day there with people with whom we have to get along, by necessity not by choice.

In her book Rising Strong, Brene Brown has a whole chapter on whether or not people are doing the best they can.  I remember reading it on my way to Virginia to my nieces wedding.  I was reading before the plane took off, and 20 minutes later, I was reading this chapter, the break-up with S very fresh, only 2 weeks before.  I was looking so forward to being with my whole family, in their loving arms, for a joyous occasion.

I wasn’t doing well with the break-up. I was devastated.  The text I got, ending our relationship, was just so cruel, I couldn’t get past it.  I knew I was the one that holding onto the pain would kill.  But I couldn’t seem to find a way out of it, and then, I didn’t even know the whole truth, I didn’t even know they’d been together all summer, and S denied it vehemently.

I was sitting in the plane and read this chapter about whether or not most people are doing the best they can.  A door was opened for me, with that chapter, to walk through, toward forgiveness.  I clutched my kindle to my chest for a moment, and turned to look out the window, so my seat mates wouldn’t see the tears rolling down my cheeks.  As I looked out the window, I saw we were flying down Long Island Sound, over places that I loved, that my ex and I had gone to in the boat many times.  Places where. I have memories with my son as a toddler, long hot summer days.  Shelter Island, Three Mile Harbor, Sag Harbor, Montauk.  I have called them places of my dreams.

It was like a gift, to see those places at that moment, the water sparkling in the autumn sun, the islands and harbors clear and crisp.  I realized then, that S, and my ex, were doing the best they could at the time.  Caught up in something they lost control of, emotions that had their root somewhere deep inside of them.  And me too….  I had been writing out my pain here, because that’s how I deal with pain.  I knew S read it, I was lashing out at him.

Doing the best I could also.

I hadn’t spoken to him for some days at least, at that time.  When the plane landed, I sent him a text telling him that I knew he was doing the best he could, and that I hoped he knew I was too.

I find acknowledging this so much easier than being angry and vengeful.  I believe in unconditional love, which means we don’t get to pick and choose who we love.  I have been blessed to have unconditional love all my life, and I was flying into it, going to my family.  Who was I to judge anyone else?  We don’t know the burdens another carries.  Even though I thought I knew him well, obviously I didn’t know him that well.

My ex….was all about power and control, because he didn’t know how else to keep people in his life.  The idea of unconditional love was foreign to him, and he never realized that the only control he ever had over me was the amount he loved me.  Which, by the end, I didn’t feel at all.  And he blindsided himself, he thought I had no choice but to stay with him.  Thought that right up until I walked out the door.

But I think, in all honesty, he was doing the best he could with the tools he was given, to keep his family together.  He just wasn’t able to love, wholly and unconditionally.   He didn’t know better.  What’s worse, is he didn’t believe he was worthy of love just because he existed.  He was taught that love had to be earned, and could be taken away at any moment.

I can’t think of anything more painful that believing for your whole life that you are not worthy of love and belonging.  As if, because he was the child of broken people, it changed the fact that he still, on his own, was worthy.  He tried, really, to be different, but he didn’t have the tools.  I didn’t understand, and was caught up in that cycle of abuse, power, control.  I was unequipped to help him.

But yeah, I think people, for the most part are doing the best they can based on their level of consciousness at the time.  I try to remember that when I’m at work, and people irritate me.  I try to take a breath, and be kind, compassionate.  I don’t know what burdens they are carrying.

It’s a lesson worth holding on to.  We’re all just walking each other home, after all.

This and That

Posted on by learning to live like water

acceptance

I don’t have a whole lot to say this morning.  It’s a clear, very cold day here in New England.  I guess we may get our first appreciable snow on Saturday, which means at least I don’t have to drive in it.  We had kind of hoped that we’d get a pass on snow this winter, but that’s probably pretty unrealistic, lol.

Not much on my mind today, but here I am writing about it, lol.  Acceptance…that was my meditation, accepting what is.  I’m learning, and practicing staying in the moment, trying not to have expectations about what is or isn’t going to happen in my life, like when I move to Florida.  All I know is I will not have to go to work every day, lol.  And be able to go to the beach whenever the mood hits me, which at the moment seems like every day.

Before my mom had her stroke, she was working on writing, at her 3  daughters request, an autobiography of her nearly 100 years on this earth.  She was an English teacher, she loved to write.  She was 92, and going to the library to do research, to make notes etc.  My sister found her work on it,  and we talked briefly about completing it when I move down there, like a joint effort.  Mom has many many pictures, and many of them have the names of the people written on the back.  I think it might be a fun project for my older sis and I to do together.

My son is going to Colorado today.  I have encouraged him to go visit.  He intends to move there when I move to Florida.  I told him he really ought to check it out before he moves there, to see if he even likes it.  There is a girl there, lol….that he really likes.  So he’s making a quick 3 day trip.

He works as an assistant manager of a national store chain.  Yesterday they chose him to participate in a store manager training program, which only a few of the assistants are offered.  It’s a 5 month program, and when it’s done, and a store becomes available, he will get it.  I’m so proud of him, he’s only been on this job for 5 months.  But he is good at it, he understands business and team work, just instinctively. So I am the proud mama this morning.  Considering his difficult childhood, God, I am so blessed he is such a great kid.

So all is well in my land today.  Quiet, moving forward.  Happy.  Guess I had a little more to write about than I thought, lol.

 

 

 

Let It Be

Posted on by learning to live like water

let it be

This morning I chose a guided meditation on acceptance. It seemed quite clear to me after my last blog, Still Waiting, that I was not doing a good job of accepting what is. I have been holding on, waiting for some resolution, some miracle of understanding to happen.

The guided part of the meditation asks, “What would your life be like if you could accept someone else’s point of view all the time?” I remember thinking, “I can’t…accept lies and deception of another person as a way to achieve personal satisfaction….I can’t.” As the guided part ended and I slipped into the gap, I thought, but why not just accept what happened, as just what happened? Why not, just allow it to be, since it is, it was, what happened? Why fight this forever?

And, at least, for that 20 minutes, I accepted it. I accepted the pain, and the heartache, and that I loved him, and who he was, and who I was, and the lessons I learned, and the place to which it has brought me. Without judgment. Without tears, without any emotion about it. I just observed it, as an experience of my life.

Which is exactly how I view my long relationship with my ex-husband. I can see the good, the bad, the ending, the beginning, the differences, the pain, the joy….

And for that time while I was in that deep gap of silence, and maybe longer, I can see the same with Scott. It was good, it was bad, it was thwarted because of his inability to be accountable for his actions. His actions before me, his actions with me. His actions with her. I don’t judge, I actually have a good idea what burdens he carries. And that he carries even more now, somewhere deep inside that damaged psyche. For that I can have compassion.

I accept it is the way it is. At least for now. It may not last. But it may. It seemed to resonate on a deeper level than before. I can only hope. I can only be mindful, as I move through the next days, weeks, months, and let it be.

Which is ironic, it’s what he always wanted me to do, lol. Let it be. Don’t tell her, let it be. Don’t ask that question, let it be. Don’t look for answers, let it be.

Suddenly, I think I can let it be, but only because I have answered my questions, I know what happened, I see quite clearly. I stood in my own truth, I did what I needed to do. The story is written, the truth came out, the whole truth. The rest of the story unfolded as it should have, and my story continues to unfold, as does his, as does hers, but those are none of my business.

So I’ll let it be. Right now, I stop asking questions, I stop holding on to the trauma and the pain and the love….. Just let it be. It was an experience. Like taking a trip, like taking a drive, like any other experience. I may have learned more from it, and so I will be grateful for it. I don’t wish it never happened, because then I would not have known that I can still love passionately, unconditionally. I would not know that trust needs to be earned. I would not know that unconditional love has to extend to ourselves first. Always.

Acceptance. I hope I can continue to let it be. I know that the waves may still wash over me, I hope I can go back to this place, and let the waves come in, and go. Let the tide rise and fall again. I hope I can find the man I’m looking for somewhere along the tideline. Where all the treasure washes up.

Christmas Morning Epiphany

Posted on by learning to live like water

Christmas Sunrise 2015

It’s Christmas morning.  I’ve been up since before dawn, and managed to catch the sunrise, which was beautiful.  It is such an unusual Christmas morning. It’s warm out, I went out on the deck to take this picture, and left the slider open, it’s almost 60° outside!  Certainly not a normal New England Christmas!

I have had a few epiphanies this morning.  One was while I lay in bed, luxuriating in the fact that I did not have to get up, and go to work.  For the last couple of months, my elbows, forearms and wrists have been in a lot of pain while I slept and when I wake.  I believe it’s just arthritis. At least that’s what I’ve been saying.

I did realize this morning, that the pain has increased substantially since the break-up.  I also realized I have not been dealing with it, just trying to ignore it, and have been focused more on obsessing about the break-up.  What he did, to me, to her, to himself.  Trying to understand that mindset that would create a situation that was bound to fail, to hurt himself most of all.

I decided that starting today, I was going to redirect that energy to myself, and find out what the emotional components of arthritis presenting in my arms was.  Louis Hay’s book “You Can Heal Your Life” has a permanent place on my coffee table.  I got up, I did my morning meditation, (which I gave a little extra time today), and then consulted the book.  I was not surprised at what I found, because I knew there was an emotional component linked inextricably to my recent experience.  But here’s what it said.

Elbows (I have a limited range of motion at the moment):  Represents changing directions and accepting new experiences.

Wrists (also limited range of motion):  Represents movement and ease.

Arms (specifically for me, throbbing pain in my forearms when I rest):  Represents the capacity and the ability to hold the experiences of life.

Wow.  I am obviously not accepting, nor moving through the experience of the break-up, the deception that was visited on me, well.  It is manifesting in my body.

It had also caused sleep issues, causing me to be dependent on taking a prescription sleep aid.  I have not taken any this week, and I am finally getting back into my own old sleep patterns.  Which probably allowed me to re-evaluate this pain in my arms.

I have to look at the lies and deception that culminated in such a painful break-up as an experience. An experience from which to learn something, about myself.  I learned about trust, about loving myself first.  And I also learned that I still have the capacity to love someone intensely and passionately.

These are lessons that I would not know, if I didn’t live through that experience.  It is now my task to accept the experience, without regret.  To embrace the lesson.  It is said that those who make your life the hardest are your greatest teachers.

Perhaps, if my purpose in his life was to remind him of his intrinsic value, his was to teach me those invaluable lessons.  That trust is something earned, not given freely like love.  That we have to love ourselves first, and enough, to walk away when we recognize that a relationship does not serve us and only takes from us, causing us pain.  To know that I can love passionately and intensely?  Well, that’s just a gift.

The break-up also has brought me to feeling compassion for the man with whom I spent most of my life.  He also created a situation which was bound to fail.  There could be no other outcome of the way he was living.

It is obvious to me, that there is a healing in the wind.  Healing my bruised psyche of the pain that the lies and deception caused me.  Healing the relationship with my ex, because it may be that it’s possible now.  I will take that as it comes.  The journey back to life is still his to take.

Healing between my son and his father. I can only pray.  It’s not my relationship, I can only facilitate the loving kind of environment that would make space for it.

I hope there is healing for Scott.  Not necessarily the way he wants it, but for him to reconsider the way he lives his life, and change it so that he can live out his life in a rich full way.  But his journey is his, it’s none of my business.  I am hopeful for him, but there is no expectation.  And I doubt if I’ll ever know what the outcome is for him, of all this trauma.  So I wish him love and light, he is in my prayers.  But my life diverges, and I will be leaving that path behind me.  I just deleted the whole text thread with him, which went back almost 3 months to the week after I initially found out about Betty.  I intend also to delete all the emails I have sent him, including a lot of writing I did just for him.  I let it go, I send it to the universe now, where I trust it will be atoned and turned into something beautiful.

I see the break-up now, as a fissure.  A huge crack in my life, which not only allows the light in, but also allows space to grow.  Like a seed breaking ground to become a beautiful flower, or a tall tree, or some other magnificent creation.  Everything reaches for the light.

On this Christmas morning, I change my focus, to accepting fully and with gratitude the experiences which continue to shape my life.  I regret nothing.  I will hold the experiences, not only in my arms but in my heart.  I will change direction gracefully, and let go of the pain and devastation that has been my focus for the past few months.

The best Christmas gift I could give myself.

Merry Christmas everyone.  Love and light to all.

 

 

The Tidal Pool

Posted on by learning to live like water

tidal pool

Life is quiet now.

Like a tidal pool on a hot summer day.

Life teams below

But nothing disturbs the surface.

I care not

What is happening elsewhere.

If he is angry

Or she is crying,

Or if they are together in bed.

My heart is still.

My soul is still.

I am still.

It’s not that there is peace.

Peace may come when I forget his name.

And what he did to me.

Peace may be part of the story

Someday

But right now,

I settle for stillness.

Out of the Darkness, Into the Sun

Posted on by learning to live like water

Happy this morning.  A is fine, I got my “goodnight sweetie.  I love you.”  He feels bad he left his phone at home, and he banged his head with a floorboard and has a big bandaid on his forehead.  But he’s safe and whole, and I’m relieved.

Looking forward to the day.  Making some new friends on here, and elsewhere.  Future looks bright, continuing to be drama free.  I still get the energy vibe from S, I am getting good at recognizing it, and it’s not that I ignore it, its just that I know he needs to work through this himself.  He kept telling me he wanted to be alone, and even though it was an excuse so he could see Betty and keep me, now it’s true for him, so I hope he makes use of the time.  Could be that what he said, the lie, was closer to the truth of his soul.  He set his life up to fail, and bring him where he is.  He manifested the state he’s in.   I hope he comes out of it better, stronger, wiser, kinder, and more whole.  I hope the child who steers that riverboat makes it to the distant shore.

Most of us know that great beauty can be borne of tragedy.  I sincerely hope he can find it.   I think I’m well on my way, to creating a more beautiful life out of the tragedy of loving him.  The picture at the top made me think of this.  There are 3 hands, one for me, for him, for Betty. And the bird, flying….we reach for it, to fly with it.  I know it’s carrying me now.  I hope its carrying them too.  Out of the darkness, into the sun.

Life is good.  Love and light.

Soothed

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My lovely weekend had a little blip last night.  But it didn’t last, it didn’t hurt. It just triggered some anger, some negative emotion.

It was soothed by a long intimate conversation with A, until way past my bedtime.  At times I wish A was here with me that way.  I love him too.  Our relationship is close, deep, intimate, a human connection. Telling secrets, being honest, and non-judgmental.  It is so good for me, right now, to have a man in my life I can trust completely, implicitly.

He asked me to send a pic of S, he wanted to visualize the devil.  I obliged, I only have one picture on my phone still.  The rest are on the computer that crashed.

A tells me a woman invited him to her hot tub.  He tells me he doesn’t trust her. But he’s going to go anyway, lol.  I said, go….but does she know about the one in MI you are going to see?  No….but he said he wasn’t going to get intimate with the hot tub woman.

We watch out for each other, we love each other more than friends, not like lovers, but deeply.  We are a blessing to each other.  He tells me I saved his life.  I tell him, he saved mine when S tried to crush my soul.  A has always been there for me, to pick me up, to make me look in the mirror, and see that I am still a beautiful person, worthy of love and belonging.  Even with the faults that the mirror shines back at me.  He offers his shoulder, he offers his heart.  He gives me a soft place to land. I hope I do that for him too.

Lucky, so lucky to have him in my life.  It’s no coincidence that we met the day after Scott told me about doing the prison whore, when I was so down, so miserable, so broken.  He was and is a gift from the universe.

I told him, I can be such a shit…and he said, yes, and I love that about you too.

It’s a love like the sun has for the earth….he never says I owe him.  I never say he owes me.

Blessed.