Life IS Surely Calling Me

I was so tired when I got home last night. I wrote, because I wanted, as always, to try to record it while it was still fresh. This morning I remembered a couple other things that were kinda cool yesterday, and actually just coincidental, but then there aren’t any coincidences, so think what you will….

On the way to work I take the back roads through the town I live in, because they’re paving the main road and the pavement is a mess. But going this way, which is a road around the lake in town, there is a spot where they have closed the road down to one lane for construction. They have a stop sign at either end and the one lane section is about 50′ with jersey barriers on either side. Generally you stop and take turns with the cars lined up on the other side. Yesterday however, they had a cop there directing the flow of traffic and he was waving the whole line through. He was a big guy, and I’m gonna guess in his 50’s. At least, from a quick glance obviously not a kid. As he waved me through, making that “come on” motion with his hand, I looked at him. He changed his hand motion to an actual wave, with a big smile. The kind of smile that made me giggle, lol. I thought what a nice way to start the day, having some random man kind of flirt with me, lol! At my age you take it where you can get it, lol.

The other thing was that last night when I got into my car to drive to the restaurant where we were all meeting, I plugged my phone into the stereo as I always do. I always have all my music on shuffle, so it just plays in random order all the time. But I thought it was so cool, and really, such a message from the universe, that when I put it on, as I drove out of work for the last time, Beth Hart’s song called Life is Calling began to play. How friggin’ perfect is that?

I got to the restaurant in a couple of minutes, it’s very close to work. And sat in the car til the song ended. As it ended and I got out of the car, my dear dear friend who retired in January was walking up to the car, with a gift bag of goodies.

It’s been a long time since I spent a day feeling loved, and loving back. I hope it becomes the norm, because what a lift it gave me.

Just wanted to remember those two things too, about yesterday. I’ve put the song “Life is Calling” up before, but am putting it again, since I feel like it’s absolutely how I feel.

Love and light.

Life Without My Stuff

(I had such a hard time titling this post.  I kept wanting to call it Breaking My Life Into Pieces but thought that sounded too much like a sad love affair, and I’ve surely written enough of those, lol.  Athough the emotion is not dissimilar, strangely.  Big change comes hard, most times, whether it’s a love affair, your kid moving out, or you moving away.  There is always some degree of loss, and some degree of gain.)

The people who bought my deck furniture two weeks ago finally came back and got it last night. The wife is very excited to have it, which makes me feel good. But now, I can’t sit outside in the morning and write and have my coffee and listen to the birds and feel the cool morning air because there is no place to sit. I can’t even take a chair from my kitchen table out because I sold the kitchen table.

It feels like watching my life get broken into pieces and sold off, or given away. I was able to schedule the Salvation Army to come pick up my son’s couches on Sept 12. I’ll give them a bunch of other stuff that I have that’s in decent shape. I have to call a guy whose name a friend gave me, to take a bunch of stuff to the dump for me. I have a large collection of half burned candles I want to give away….Good Yankee candles for the most part. But I think I’ll have to throw them out.

I never thought I was attached to things. Really. My ex is attached to things, he can’t let go of anything even when it drags him under. I’m not attached like that, I can divest myself of what I don’t want to take with me, but it is harder than I expected to walk through my house without all the stuff that is normally there, just part of my life. I am a bit shaken by it.

I’ll be glad in a few weeks, when I can start putting it back in a place I want it, in Florida. When I can again have my house with my stuff, and feel like, yeah, it’s my house when I come through the door. Right now, even my bedroom is beginning to look strange to me. The nightstands almost cleared off, the closet with nothing in it except shoes, and my summer clothes. Drawers have been emptied out.

I’m making lists of what has to be done yet. Call the insurance co, call the utilities, call the cable company, call the garbage pick up. I wish honestly I’d quit working last Friday. I just have so much to do before I take off for Denver.

Which is another stressor altogether. I should be down about 10 lbs by the time this is over. I know my friend, my bff, is planning a goodbye party of some kind when I get back from Denver. She invited me to dinner the 9th. But I KNOW her. Besides her nephew said to me last time I saw him, “Well, we are having that party for you anyway, right?” LOL. Gave it away, lol. But I’m not telling her, I will fake it and be surprised. That will be nice, really, to see everyone one last time before I go.

I’m sure my blogs are getting kind of boring, just about the stress, and the angst, and things I have to do to accomplish this. Let me say it is WAY more stress than leaving my ex-husband was. For one thing, I was running full-tilt boogie from a life that was killing me, literally. I couldn’t wait to get out of the pressure-cooker of that house, away from him and his lying power trip. I couldn’t wait to live somewhere where I could wake up and everything was the same as when I went to bed. I didn’t take much with me, and I was going a mile and a half away.

This move…the life I have here is wonderful, and I don’t particularly want to leave it. I just want to stop working and I can’t, and live here. And I am sick to death of winter. It’s so difficult when you are on your own, and have to deal with all the snow, and cold and heating bills by yourself. I’m sick of driving to work and/or home in snow, shoveling my car off, getting snow in my shoes, when I leave work. But mostly sick of having to go to work anyway, lol.

My life….I’m just blessed. My son and I are happy sharing the same space while we both have our own lives. I have a ton of friends, so I’m not usually alone unless I choose to be. But I can’t keep this house if I don’t work, and I don’t want to work, so off I go to my mortgage free bungalow in Florida. It will all be good, but the transition is difficult, really difficult.

Time to get this day underway. Love and light, all.

Selling Off A Bit of My Sacred Space

deck furniture

I have a few things that I need to sell or give away, large items, before I move. Yesterday I put some ads on a FB page that is a never-ending tag sale for my town only. I put my deck furniture and my grill up, for $50 each. I could have sold the deck furniture 10 times in 3 hours, it was amazing. A guy is coming by today to get it. I think I paid Walmart $150 or something for it when I moved in. It needs new cushions, they are all thread-bare now.

But I will miss it. It’s where I sit in the summer, in the morning, in the evening. It’s where S and I used to sit and talk, or star gaze for hours. We watched the meteor shower out here one night. One night we saw moondogs, it was my first time. But I digress. There are so many memories for me, every time I start sorting and packing. This will be good to let go of. One less reminder of what was and wasn’t.

Still, it feels like I’m selling off pieces of my sacred space.  Gotta let go of stuff, like the Buddha says, Non-attachment is the way.

For the next few weeks, I’ll just have to pull another chair out here, and maybe a tv table.

I didn’t get any bites on the grill, which needs new burners. My son said they are not a big deal to put in. The grill cost me $350 or so, It’s in good shape except the burners. It’s a really good grill.

Today I have to clean up the washer and dryer in the basement, the spare ones, and get them listed. I brought them with me from the condo I had been living in, they are perfectly good. I thought my son might want them if and when he moved out, never forseeing the moves that would happen 5 years later. And I have a couch and loveseat in the basement, that he uses. They are both pull-out beds, nice green microfiber. I also bought those for the condo I rented for 4 years. I need to sell them too. Or I’ll have to just give them away.

My neighborhood is having a tag sale next Saturday. So whatever is left, I will try to sell then. I have a lot of just stuff I’m not taking. Like a door wreath for the winter with a snowman on it. Not really appropriate for Florida, LOL. Snow shovels, maybe a rake.

This morning I need to get to the grocery store, and clean up my kitchen counters and floors, then continue with the packing and sorting. It feels overwhelming at times. So much to do.

Last night my girlfriend who is also moving when I’m moving, went out with me for a bite to eat. I just could not put together a meal. Tired, I guess. And needed some human connection, after being alone all day with my thoughts and memories. So we went to a local Mexican restaurant, I had shrimp and bacon quesadillas, it was good. One glass of wine and that was it. It’s been so great to have a friend going through this same thing, albeit she is only moving 15 miles from here, and not stopping working, and her kids will stay with her. So not the same, but still, similar.

At least I’m moving along down this path, getting things done. I hope I don’t have to be at the closing, and can leave a day or two before the closing. Gotta get an answer on that from my atty.

Onward….. Love and light, all.

 

Picture at top is my deck furniture.  🙂

(Very) Early Morning Musings

I woke at 4:15 this morning. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised because I was asleep at 9:30. I lay in bed for about 45 minutes, just thinking about things. Moving, the foundation cracks, lol, the men I’ve loved.

The moving, the house selling, it will all be over soon. So, I just have to make my way through each day, and do what needs to be done. Taking it one thing at a time, I’m sure I’ll get it all done, easily.

The men, idk. I was thinking about my ex. His name is the same as my son’s so I don’t use it on here, because I don’t want to confuse anyone. But it’s Bruce. I was thinking about the fondness I still feel for S, and how I have none for my ex, who I was with for 40 years. I guess the difference is my ex, B, eroded that love every day for years with his control and abuse of me, and my son. I don’t wish him any ill, I don’t have to, lol. He’s done a damn fine job of fucking up his life with no help from me. I wish him love and light, all good things, but I know with his last breath he will blame me for his problems.

I thought about how, when he was in control, he used to occasionally have these 2 or 3 day brain-washing sessions with me, before my son was born. He would brow beat me, and yell at me, and threaten me for days. I couldn’t leave the house. I was his captive scapegoat for all the ills in his life. And back then we had very few ills. We had enough money, a decent home, a yacht, but still he had to make me feel less than human anytime I began to feel happy and secure. And then he’d say, “I love you, I would think you’d listen to me, knowing it was for your own good.” Geezus. It was for his. To have himself a servant who would do everything, who was dancing around trying to win his favor.

One particular time, during one of those brain-washing sessions, he decided that I did not deserve my 1 1/3 carat heart shaped diamond. He ordered me to give it to him. I refused. He got up from the couch as I sobbed, went in the kitchen and got a pair of pliers out of a drawer where he kept a few tools. He came back, and grabbed my hand and broke the setting, so that the diamond fell out. I am sure, 100% positive, that if I’d fought him he would have broken my hand. He was 6’2”, about 240 lbs, and had arms like most people’s thighs. Very strong, he was a nationally ranked swimmer at one time.

He put the diamond and the broken setting in an envelope and put it in a kind of jewelry box in our bedroom. Folded up tight, so it was about a 1” square. I always knew where it was. I believed that some day he’d realize what a good wife I was, and how I was trying so hard to do everything he asked (while he did nothing at all for me, but I guess I believed I didn’t deserve it) and he’d get it reset one day.

He never did.

When I moved out of the house in 2007, I opened the envelope and took the diamond. I left him the broken setting.

But that just illustrates how dysfunctional he was, and I was, and we were. That we managed to have my son after that is amazing. But thank God, my son is a blessing to me borne of that pain.

S…..well, he betrayed me when I loved him the most. My love for him didn’t die over time. It never had a chance to die a natural death. I grieved and grieved, and still do some days. It’s easier when I never hear from him, I’m much more able to see the dysfunction that surrounds him, and was part of our relationship so much more clearly. I know it would never have lasted, even if there were no B, because I wanted more that he’s capable of giving. It’s been almost 2 months now since I’ve heard from him, and I am fine with it. I have some fond memories, tempered by the reality of his nature. I can love him, who he was to me, I can be grateful for that time in my life. I am so happy to know that after my long miserable marriage, (and long miserable divorce) I can still love someone so passionately, so intensely.

I don’t think he and I can be friends, though. I’d like to be, but I don’t think B will allow it. Even if I’m in FL, 1500 miles away, she would be jealous. He says she’s not, I say, you don’t see it. She’s a master of the passive aggressive stuff. Never wants to talk to him again, until I do. Then she does. Never wants to be with him again, until I am, then she still loves him. Whatever.

I know that I can’t go there again. I can say never say never, but I gotta be real. He is never going to want to make the changes that I’d like to see in him. I think he is much more comfortable with the game playing, the push pull thing, and with misery and unhappiness than happiness, because he sabotages his own life constantly in an effort to prove to himself he’s not worthy. I will always tell him he is. I would, am, always here for him if he wants to talk. But I know he can’t trust himself, so he doesn’t trust me.

I will say, one reason I loved him so, was because he let me be me. All the time. Even though I talked too much, lol. He knew how to quiet me down. Take me to the beach, or somewhere, tell me a story, put on some music that was new to me and tell me about it, or take me to bed. But the freedom I felt with him, after being with a man who tried to control what I said, wore, how I wore my hair, how I walked, yada yada yada, was blissful for me. For that I will always love him. Now that I know what that’s like, I intend to find it again, in a man who is capable of loving, who seeks the light, and is happy and likes himself.

All good lessons with these men. Painful, but good. I know myself, I’ve found myself through the pain that I experienced with them both. I can say to my ex, I love you and I wish all good things for him, he is making himself pay for sins he thinks he must have committed, I am sure. I can say to S, love always and all ways, because that too is true. Because I do. I will. All the betrayal, really, that S orchestrated, was him, sabotaging himself, setting himself up to fail. He hurt me, yes, but for me it’s temporary. I can find my way out. I don’t look into the abyss. I walk away from it, even if I’m on my hands and knees crawling.

At peace this lovely morning. Nice to put things into perspective.

Love and light, everyone.

Maybe It’s Time…..

Love can change

I took my son out for Vietnamese Pho for dinner tonight. It’s one of his favorite foods, usually the place he chooses if he has a choice. I am still so tired from this bug, and not sleeping this week, I couldn’t put together a dinner for him, and I didn’t get home til 6:30 anyway. I got him an ice cream cake, which is tradition. He’s never been a big fan of regular cake, even though all of mine are made from scratch.

It was really nice to go out with him. He’s going to a music festival in Las Vegas next month, and he’s so excited. Almost all his friends from here are going, and his friends from Colorado. I’m so happy to see him living his life.

On the way home though, I thought about how I won’t be with him on his next birthday most likely. I thought about how I’m going to miss him. It’s been just he and I for 8 years now. We are so close. I got all choked up in the car. He asked, “Are you ok Mom?” Yeah…I’m just going to miss you. We don’t hang out a lot, but we enjoy each other’s company. That’s gonna be a hard transition. Really hard.

I’ve been reading Marianne Williamson’s book The Gift of Change. It’s like she gently takes my heart, my soul, and my mind, and aligns them all with her words.

Today I put up a snarky post, with the song Silver Spring, telling how and why I got the song on my playlist, because of the first betrayal of me by S. The one he admitted to, the one I’ve always called the prison whore. Because I heard it playing, it reminded me of the first and all of the subsequent betrayals and I just wanted to put it down, on paper. Well, on the page. I did. In my inimitable way, hard, cold, edgy truth.

Then I read this sentence, in The Gift of Change, when I was at lunch.

“Our mission is to affirm the essential goodness in people even when they’ve made mistakes.”

And I thought about that post. Even though it was true, every word, it was designed to make one person uncomfortable with his behavior. To make him squirm. To make him look at himself. I could self-righteously say I hoped he’d change if he saw it in print, but I know better. I knew it would just piss him off, and maybe even shame him, to have me telling the world what he’d done. And I guess that’s what I wanted to do.

I deleted it. I rewrote it so it was more closely aligned with my pain, not his behavior. It was a mistake he made. He made a lot of them. But he’s living with the consequences, I’m not, not now. If I’m going to be who I want to be, I need to encourage what is good about him. Not broadcast any longer what is bad about him.

I’ve waivered. I go from encouraging open and honest communication to being triggered into furiousness. I have not been consistent, as I’ve tried to heal. And really, who is? It’s a roller coaster, one day it’s way in the past, the next day, something brings it front and center and it’s all you can do to not put your head down on your desk at work and cry.

It’s not my job to try to fix the behavior that caused the pain. But it’s also not my job to rub it in, through this blog, and remind him over and over of what he did. It’s my job to take care of me, and practice and find ways to encourage what makes me grow, and heal, and spread my light.

“Practice kindness,” Marianne says, “and you will become kind. Practice discipline, and you will become disciplined. Practice forgiveness, and you will start to become forgiving. Practice charity, and you start to become charitable. Practice gentleness, and you start to become gentle.” She goes on to say, “We become gracious when we decide to be gracious.”

I don’t know if this is just a phase for me. Or if I’m really sick of hitting him over the head with my words. Maybe I have enough distance that it seems old to me, at least right now. Maybe I’ve just gotten past it. Maybe, though, maybe I am afraid that my endless barbs at him are keeping him stuck where he doesn’t want to be.

Even though, he doesn’t have to read this blog. I don’t know why he does. He wrote one, on his own blog, after a year. It was one sentence, a barb, aimed at me, his only follower. I unfollowed him. Lol.  I didn’t want to get baited.  I already have an arsenal stored away if I feel like getting angry with him.  I don’t need anything else added to it.

But he still reads my blog, for whatever reason. Maybe, like he said once, it’s like the train wreck you can’t drive by. Maybe he hopes one day I’ll just stop…and go back to writing things like The Story in His Eyes, or The 7 Reasons I Love You. Or stop writing about him altogether. Maybe he just thinks he deserves my ire. Maybe he just wants to know what’s on my mind, hoping I’ve finally moved on.

Maybe he’s trying to find the unconditional love I always promised, in my words.

Maybe one day I will stop. I don’t think I’m quite done with it, I don’t think I’ve healed completely. I still think I’m picking up pieces of myself daily, and trying to meld them back into the whole. And as long as I’m doing that, I’ll probably continue to write about it. It’s just part of my process.

But, I think I will try to be kinder, lighter. I think I’ll try to shed some light, instead of pointing out the darkness. Even if my light doesn’t dispel his darkness, it might dispel someone’s.

He did cause me an inordinate amount of pain, and I did love him without limit. But he also caused me an inordinate amount of laughter, and that’s one of the reasons I loved  him so much.

Food for thought, that’s all.  Maybe it’s time for a change.

Love and light.

Everything Must Change

This is a song from my way way past.  I have so many changes going on at the moment, and some, most are good.   Some are exciting.  Some are painful.  Some will be painful until they heal, and the change is complete. Getting through the sale of this house, the move to Florida, resettling my son in Colorado, and hopefully letting go of all the trauma of the past year, somehow releasing the hold that it has on me.  Somehow resolving the conflict between what’s in my heart, and what I know will only bring me pain as it is now.

She says “There are not many things in life you can be sure of….”

Well, one of the things that you an be sure of is that if I loved you, I will always love you.  That’s just how I roll. Forgiveness is easier for me than resentment.  Love is easier than hate.  For me.  Not saying that has to be true for everyone, it just is for me.  Just one of those things, those few precious things, that never changes for me.  And I’m glad to have a few things I can count on in my heart, to bring me home again.   Betrayal, inconsideration, disrespecting, it all makes me angry.  It hurts me to the core.  But it hurts, it angers, because I love.  And I always will, there’s not a thing anyone can do about it.

Time for me to let go, open the door again to allow new life in. Welcome the change.  But always always love the things  and people I loved.  There is a reason they are in my heart.

 

Dealing With Unsettledness This Morning

 

unsettled

I’m unsettled this morning. Lots of reasons.

First, concern over my son moving to Colorado. I would feel better if I knew this was something he really wanted to do, not a choice he was making out of necessity, because he can’t stay here. I was happy when I thought he was really looking forward to it. Now, as his mother, I can’t help but feel sad that my choice is making him make a choice he didn’t want to have to make. You know, if you have kids, that your whole life is about putting your kids first. This time, I can’t. He’s an adult, and I can’t stay here and retire. He gets that, he understands. But he doesn’t like it.

Of course, I have made him so comfortable here. No real responsibility here. His own space, really like his own apartment, but he doesn’t worry about the utility bills, or food in the fridge. He pays me $400 a month, he makes his car payment. He does his own laundry. But I’ve always dealt with everything. Why would he want to leave?

I know it will be good for him. I know he needs to do this, even if he doesn’t want to. It’s just that when I was his age, I’d been on my own for about 3 years, a long way from my family, and I was fearless. I had no fear that my life wouldn’t work out the way I wanted. (And it didn’t, but I had no fear about it anyway, lol.)

Then there are the logistics of he and I moving. If the house sells quickly, I’m afraid the closing date will fall in the middle of June which will be a problem for me. We are going to VA in early June, to have a memorial for my mother, and bury her remains next to my dad. In the middle of June son is going to Las Vegas to a music festival he’s been planning for a year. He’ll be gone a week. I am afraid I will be packing up the house before he’s gone. I will have to insist on the end of June for the earliest closing date, if I should get an offer. That’s all, I guess.

I had hoped to drive out to CO with him, and help him get settled. And then come back and drive myself to FL. That would be ideal. I don’t want him going by himself. He’s nervous enough as it is. The alternative is, he could come to FL with me, and we could drive to CO from there.

I guess I should stop worrying about it, and just deal with one thing at a time, as it comes. Duh. Stay in the moment. I may not even get an offer til June, and not close til July some time. I need to trust the universe to work it out in my behalf.

Actually, I think this is all that has unsettled me this morning, lol. Aside from the fact that my arthritis in my hands woke me in the middle of the night and I had to get up and take a couple ibuprofen. Louise Hay says problems with hands, wrists and elbows all have to do with handling new experiences and changes well, easily. That makes sense. I had the trauma of my relationship ending, and now this move to Florida, which, while I want it to happen, is anything but easy.

I didn’t handle the relationship ending at all well. For a long time I thought it would kill me. It took me 6 months to see the reality, the truth. To move on and away from it, from him. To see him for the who he is. That’s not to be putting him down, either. It’s just a fact. It was all about him, and always will be all about him. He’ll always be someone, too, who cannot stand up and be counted. It’s not my issue to deal with, it’s just a fact. It’s not what I want in a man. To know that, in my heart, allows me to let go easily. He was another life lesson. That’s all.

As for the moving…I’m not nervous about it being the right thing. It’s just resettling my son so that he’s comfortable and the logistics of the whole thing. It’s overwhelming to have to do it all by myself. It’s the way it is though, so I will just plug away at it.

I need to be grateful, I think. So here’s the list.

Grateful for:

My health

My son’s health

My sister and brother-in-law, and all they’ve done to help me.

The rest of my family.

My friends.

The financial ability to make the dream a reality.

My lovely home here, which I will miss.

That it will be 70 and sunny today.

Ok, feel better already. Love and light everyone.

Sleep, sweet sleep. Ahhhh.

sweet-sleep-wm

I can’t believe how well I’ve been sleeping.  Except for the night I went out dancing and drank a little too much.  But I’ve been getting 7 hours of good sleep every night, with no problem.

To me, the ability to sleep well is such an indicator of healing.  For months after and during all the drama with S, I was taking 10 mg of Ambien every night to get 5 or 6 hours of sleep, and it didn’t always work.  Now, I just go to sleep within minutes of turning my light out at night.  It shows me, more than anything, how much I have let go, forgiven, moved on.  It’s also helpful to know that I still have measures in place so that I can’t hear from, or get involved in any drama with, him or her.  The energy connection is still there, like the ringing in my ears (that I have because I am mostly deaf in one ear) but I am now able to just tune it out.  Never thought I could do that, but I can.

I messaged the Florida realtor last night, and told her I accepted the counter offer. The seller is going to hook up the gas to the stove/oven and to the hot water heater, which will cost her.  Plus she’s going to upgrade the electric at the same time.  So, I agreed that I’d meet her half way as she asked, between my original offer and my new offer.  I told the realtor, let’s get this done, I don’t want to fool around with it any more.

My house here won’t sell for what I’d hoped.  More than I bought it for but not enough to recoup all my money after I pay the realtor and state conveyance tax, which is 1% of the sale price.  But I’ll still be ok, there will still be enough there to do what I planned.

Moving on down the road.  And into the shower, gotta go to work.  🙂

Love and light.

 

 

An Easier Day Today

 

Last night I was able to sit for a little while, without the glass of wine I thought I’d have, but decided not to, and make some decisions about the house.

I’m spending $375 on the mold test. Really, it’s just for my peace of mind, to know. It is so scary to be doing this alone, so I am doing all I can to ensure that I don’t have unexpected issues to deal with. This requires extension of the contract until next week, it was by this Saturday that we had to make a decision if we were going ahead or not. Now it will be the end of next week while we wait for the results of the test.

But these tests and inspections are running more than I thought they would. $600 for the home inspection, $375 for this, $450 for the hydrostatic test, and Idk what the termite test will be. So about $2000 that I’m spending on the house that I can’t get back, so I sure hope there is no big problem outside of the ones I know.

Providing the tests come back satisfactory, we will go back in and ask that they reduce the price to fix the electric. The service needs to be upgraded so it runs the house with the new heat / AC. And the wiring needs to be redone in the house, to get the outlets all grounded. We feel they should give back to reimburse for doing that, since it’s ridiculous to add those things to a house and not have ensured the electric supply could handle it. Then small things, like hook up the gas stove to gas from the street, etc. If they will come down a few $1000 on the price and do the small things, then I will have myself a house. The work I can have done before I move down there, for the most part. At least the electric. I can stay at my sisters while the windows get put in, which is something I knew I’d have to do when I bid on the house.

Today should be easier, not having to read inspection reports under pressure to make a decision. I have to meet with the insurance guy about medicare tonight, and also talk to my boss about it too. I think I can save some money going on Medicare, even buying the supplement to it. That’s not nearly as much stress as the house, lol.

My cat seems better, she’s been up and about since I wrote the blog last night, so maybe I was imagining things, maybe she just had a couple bad days.

So all seems well this morning. I’ll have a 3 day weekend (here in the US we don’t have the Monday after Easter off.) But it is an extra day to get work done on the house, so that’s a good thing.

I’m so glad that I have my meditation practice. It’s been helping me to get through all this house stuff, and through the left-over emotions around S. I need so badly to just let all that go, I have so much stuff that’s more important to my life to be focused on. So I’m trying, and I think I have a bit of success every day. It’s amazing how a narcissist can get into our heads, him with his push pull. I think I’m so accustomed to it, I keep waiting for the next round. Hopefully with time, I won’t be waiting for it. Just a habit.

Well off to another busy day at work, but it will be all work today. Not all that other stuff too. Good to have a place to write it out, and have people comment back to me. Really helps me out, to blog.

Love and light.