Attracting Grace

A new day, a new week.  I have been talking, well texting, with S all weekend.  I hope we got somewhere, I can’t be sure.  I just hope he understands where I’m at with our relationship.  It seemed last night perhaps he did, but I can’t be sure.  Time will tell I guess.  I am the same as always with  him, I love him, but can’t continue to be second in his heart to his ex girlfriend, nor will I stand by while he checks out the rest of the female population.  As I said before, I will love him from a safe distance, until either my feelings for him fade, or his feelings for her and desire to be free to date other women fade.  I’ll keep my heart safe that way.

My son has told me this weekend that when I move to Florida he is going to move to Colorado.  A lot of his friends are moving that way, and he has two of his best friends who want to join him.  The company he works for would likely be able to arrange a transfer, and he will be saving all year to have a financial cushion.  I’m happy that he’s making plans, and being pragmatic about it.  I will miss him so much, but honestly…he had planned to stay here as it was.  so CT or CO, both a long distance from Florida.  And I know he will come see me.  He’ll be by a major airport, so it won’t be difficult.  Apparently a lot of young people are heading that way.  Some because pot is legal, but my son is not a smoker, toker, whatever,  Some because there is so much to do, outdoor activities, and that’s more like him.  He’s always been athletic, and loves to be active.  He’ll have roommates, and he’ll be 24.  Perfect time for him to branch out on his own.

He and I went out to dinner last night, which we rarely do.  We hardly see each other, he either works late and gets home when I’m in bed, or if he doesn’t work late he is off with his friends.

It was a good weekend, even though the Beach Whores had to call off our beach day.  I got a lot done, and yesterday rested my arm that has carpal tunnel all day.  Last night was the first night in weeks that I slept well, without pain.

I’ve been doing the Deepak Chopra (in conjunction with Oprah) 21 day meditation, “Attracting Grace Through Gratitude”.  It’s in the 3rd week now, he is such a wonderful teacher.  I have done many of these 21 days meditations.  His voice is so soothing.

I hope I am attracting grace.  I feel like there was some grace in my ongoing conversation with S over the weekend, and with my son.  Two people who are very important in my life.  And I am grateful, for all the blessings I have.  I’m not feeling angst at the moment, and both of those situations, S and my son, could and have brought it to me before.  So, I guess that there is some grace in that.

Ripples

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dsrUxhaaWks

I am a fan of Oprah’s show SuperSoulSunday.  She has had a lot of incredible teachers on this show, and I’ve learned so much from them.  This morning she had a re-run of the interview with John Mackey, the founder of Whole Foods.  At the end of the show she did “Soul to Soul” with him where she asked him a set of questions she asks all her guests.

One of the questions is “What is the lesson that has taken you the longest to learn?”  He said,and I am paraphrasing, “The lesson I continue to learn, over and over, is that we have a wake.  Our actions ripple out in ways that affect people and our world in ways we will never know, can never imagine.  So I keep learning that I have to be kind, that I have a responsibility to make sure that what ripples out from me helps people, is positive, and doesn’t hurt anyone.”

All I could think is, wow, so true.  Everything we do ripples out.  Sometimes we see the results, or some of the results.  Sometimes we have no idea.

I remember when I was introduced to “cord cutting”.  It’s a thing you can do, a kind of ceremony, calling in your guides, archangels etc., and cut the energetic cords which connect you to someone.  It is done with love, never hate. Never ill feeling.  I did it to help free myself from my ex.  I went to a group meditation, and imagined cutting the energetic cords which bound us and came from that long dysfunctional relationship.  I imagined the two of us flying around saying “Good bye, maybe I’ll see you, maybe I won’t.  Have a good life…” And I felt freer from that negativity than I ever had when the meditation was over.  Which I thought was the end result.

But a few days later, my ex showed up at the front door of the condo I was renting.  I wasn’t home but my son was.  He got out of his car, and his father said to him. “I apologize for everything I ever did to you…..”  For a few short months it lasted, they had a relationship, until his father slipped back into  his old ways, and began to play with his son’s life and emotions again.

I will always believe that it was a ripple out of the cord cutting I did with  him.  At the time I said to someone, telling the story…”You throw a stone in the water, you never know what will ripple up on the shore.”  I like the idea of us leaving a wake behind us…..same idea, but it seems a more powerful representation.

And I love the idea, the truth, that we have a responsibility to not hurt others, to make sure that what washes up on the shores of the rest of humanity lifts them and shines light on them.

Gaining Understanding

I went to a gong bath tonight. In case you don’t know what that is, it’s a meditation, which lasts about an hour, which takes place with the vibrations of primarily 8 gongs, with some crystal bowls, drums, bells, and other vibrational equipment. The gongs range in size from about 18” in diameter to maybe 44”. Gongs vibrate at the same rate as the human body, so the sound does not go around you, it goes through you. When they play them loud it’s incredibly loud, and is a perfect time to let go of anything that no longer serves you.

The meditative state I am able to achieve during the gongs is extremely deep. Usually. Generally speaking, the louder the gongs, the deeper I go. That’s because when they are loud, you cannot hold a thought, it’s just not possible.

Tonight, I had no intention when I went to the gong. I know I’ve been through a lot of emotional stuff in the last couple of weeks. Ending it with S, issues with my sister and my mother. Also watching my ex self-destruct, even from a distance, is not pleasant.  While I had no set intention, I knew the gongs would take me where I needed to go.

Tonight, I was in a place where S was, energetically. We were not together, or apart, just both there. He was looking at me. I used to say to him that I could “see” him. I could see his center, I could see his soul, his essence. I don’t think he understood. Tonight, he was, in this deep meditative state I was in, looking at me, I think, trying to see me. He could not. He just looked at me with this questioning look on his face. Of course, in time and space I have no idea how long that was for. In that place it seemed like a very long time. He was trying….but he couldn’t.

I believe for a person to see anyone else, they first have to see themselves, they first have to know that their center comes from love, that love, unconditional love, is the beginning and end of every soul. It is there before you have a body, it is to what we return when our bodies give out. I am sure S could not see that in himself, so he couldn’t see it in anyone else.

I had no regret, no sadness, just understanding. I believe that’s why he kept thinking he needed to be alone for awhile, and discover who he was. And that’s also why I supported his doing that. But every time I supported it and encouraged it and said, “just check in with me from time to time, maybe, let me know how you’re doing” he would want to be with me, for a short time. I can’t do the short time. I can’t do the physical without the emotional. I can’t. But I do hope he undertakes this journey on his own, with out the safety net of my bed to fall into his old ways.

If he ever is able to see himself and love himself, so that he can see others the way I could see him, I’d love to hear about it.

A on the other hand, sees himself, and others, and never has a bad word to say, is happy in his life. And is eager to share love. I don’t think anyone can help but love him, he attracts it, as he gives it. S once said to me, “but you don’t love him.” He’s right, I don’t love him in the way that I loved S, in the way I want to love a partner. But I love him.

I saw him briefly during the meditation too. He just made me smile.

My friend who went with me tonight was having problems with her daughter today. I think most of the problems are because she, my friend, cannot let go of her kids, and they are adults now. On the way there I just wanted to tell her “You are too much in their business.” She knows, studied Byron Katie for a long time, and knows what I mean. There are three types of business according to Katie….mine yours and Gods. We only belong in our own. But I didn’t say anything before hand because I wanted to help her, not accuse her of something.

After the bath, on the way home, I told her that sometimes people have to back up, to get some perspective in order to see each other as a whole person. And maybe that’s what her daughter was doing now. I told her what she needs to do for her daughter is just be there, just love her, unconditionally. If her daughter gets mad, or upset, to just say, “Honey, I don’t want to fight with you. I just love you….can I just have a hug?” I told her that her daughter needs to know she will still be standing there no matter what they dish out to her. Because eventually, they will see it, and love her back.

Love attracts love. Anger attracts anger. Hate attracts hate. But love is the strongest….there is nothing stronger than unconditional love.

It was such a good meditation tonight.

The Value of Being Able to Say “I’m Sorry”

Hoʻoponopono

The Polynesian method for reconciliation and forgiveness

This poster is something I learned in Reiki.  A method, and words, when heartfelt, to resolve the damage we do to each other through our actions and words.

So many people are unable to apologize, and to make amends.  My ex, for example, was never able to acknowledge damage he did to me, or our relationship.  I have often thought since that he had borderline personality disorder, as he was unable to feel empathy at all.  He could never understand anyone’s pain except his own.  and he could not apologize.  It was a large contributor to our subsequent divorce.

A long time ago i heard about the 4-R method for dealing with having hurt someone, intentionally or not. It is quite similar to the Polynesian method of Hoʻoponopono.

1. The first R is for Recognition.  One has to recognize that their actions, or words, have caused another pain.

2. The second R is for Remorse.  Remorse is sincerely feeling bad that you caused someone pain.

3. The third R is or Regret.  Regretting your actions, or words, that caused the pain.  It is different from remorse.  Remorse is about the pain caused.  Regret is about the thing that caused the pain.

4. The fourth R is Repair.  Repair of the damage done.  It starts with an apology, a heart felt, unconditional apology. One that doesn’t involve excuses, buts, or extenuating circumstances.  Just a straight-forward, “I’m so sorry I hurt you.”

One night when my ex falsely accused our son of something heinous, he apologized the next day…but he apologized for being tired.  He didn’t apologize for his words and actions that had us all up all night.  I simply told him, “Tired is not what you did wrong.”  But he couldn’t apologize for his words that devastated my son, or kept me up all  night trying to calm my son down, who couldn’t believe that his father accused him.

He knew he had done wrong.  But he couldn’t face it.  I suppose it went back to his childhood, where if he did something wrong he got the crap beaten out of him.  And often it wasn’t he that did the wrong thing, but he got the beating anyway.  That’s regrettable, that’s sad for him…but until it’s acknowledged, and that baggage worked through, it is just a cycle that continues.  Even if he didn’t beat our son, he was teaching him, by his own actions, not to be accountable for his actions.  Teaching him that other’s feelings didn’t matter.  Teaching him that the only thing that mattered was that his own ego was in tact, and not bruised by his actions, or words that came out of  his mouth.

The saddest part is that his inability to feel my son’s pain, or mine, or anyone else’s, has isolated him.  He is alone, no one in his family wants to be around him, because it is a trait that carries to every one, no one feels safe around him . He has no relationship with his son.  My son feels he has no father.  I used to tell my ex, “You’re going to die old, sick and all alone, because you push away the people that love you.”  And that’s what has happened.

“I’m sorry” are two beautiful words.  They build a bridge between two people, a bridge that can be crossed to find common ground.  It comes from love…from the soul, not the ego.  An ego given free reign, without the soul’s love and compassion, is really, in my estimation, the cause of all ill in the world.  People’s egos make them believe that their emotions, their beliefs, their pain, is far deeper than anyone else’s, and that everyone else’s is secondary to theirs.

So, I’ve tried to live by the 4 R’s.  It’s one reason I wrote yesterday’s blog, Lucky 7’s.  I realized I had been unfair to S, and wanted to repair that.  Not that anything I said before was not true, just that it was unbalanced, and putting it on here hurt him.  It’s what I have taught my son in the years since we both left his father, and I think he gets it now.

But we are still done, I don’t expect to be writing much more about him.  We just can’t find common ground on many important subjects.  Apologies being one of them.

Apologies are good for the soul.  I wish my ex had been able to see that.

Contentment

I’m working on contentment.  I would like to be content with things as they are, not wishing they were different.  Today, after the chaotic week I had, I actually feel it’s possible.

There’s a cleansing rain falling, been falling since yesterday afternoon.  It’s actually a winter type Nor’easter, having rained about an inch or so in that time.  If it was winter, it would have been a foot of snow.  One of the reasons I want to move to where winter isn’t.  Or at least doesn’t include storms with snow measured in feet.

Content.  Actually, I am feeling pretty content today.  I have started the work on my house to get it ready to sell.  I lost two more pounds this week, which brings me to about 10 lbs since winter, a really good thing.  If I could lose 20 more, I’d be really content!  But two pounds in a week is good, enough to content me.

I am content to know that S is not in imminent danger with his health, and content that he has not communicated with me.  It’s kind of freeing, to get away from the chaotic emotion which has defined our relationship.

I had two 2 hour phone conversations with friends yesterday, close close friends.  It’s unusual for me, to spend that much time on the  phone, but it was what I needed, to feel that close connection with people I love and have known for many years.

I’m going down to the shore today to collect the money from the guy who is renting my boat slip for the season.  That will be nice.  The rain should be over by about noon, I’m going later.  It always does me good to be where I can smell the salt air.  Growing up in the middle of this country, I never dreamed that one day my life would involve being out on the ocean every weekend and vacation of the summer. God, how I loved it.  For the 30 years I was married, summer was about being on the ocean.  Going to sleep to the lapping of the water on the sides of the boat, waking up to gentle rocking, having coffee in the cockpit, listening to the gulls, watching the fishing boats ply the waters.  I miss it…but who knows, maybe it will someday be part of my life again.  We owned our slip at a dockominium complex, and in the divorce, my ex got the boat, and I got the slip.  He has since sold the boat, which made me sad.  It was a lovely boat, I picked it out. But it is what it is. When a marriage goes bad, there’s no where to get away on a boat, and I had to give it up too.

So, contentment, is where I am today.  Accepting what is, happily.  Hopefully with grace.  I would have to say that grace led me to this content place, and I am blessed.

The Psychic/Angel Reading

So, I had my psychic reading. It was pretty amazing, and I’d totally do it again.

The medium started out telling me I had two native American guides behind me, (I think that means they kind of have your back…) one male one female. The first thing she did was tell me their advice on something very personal, which I’m not going to put here, but it was lengthy, on target, out of the blue, and believeable. Then she said, “I’m hearing a lot about Florida…”

OMG, my two friends and I jumped! That is so the focus of my life right now. Trying to get my house ready to sell, planning to move to Florida. Hoping my mother will still be around when I do, being near my sister, never ever having to deal with a New England winter again.

She said, “they say it will be a really good thing for you. They say it will offer you many opportunities, and you can choose any or all of them. And it will be easier for you financially there….” It was pretty amazing. She knew nothing about me except my name before this.

Then she had a female presence, over me, which means older than me. She asked if my mother was alive and since she is, we determined this was her mother. She said, “She says she was a good cook, loved to cook from scratch, grow her own vegetables, etc. But never got to pass that information on to your mother or you.” I said, “Because she died when my mother was 4 years old.” Now, considering my mom was born in 1921, this makes my grandmother’s death in 1925, living on an Indiana farm, of course she made everything from scratch and grew her own stuff. The medium said, “She said she didn’t want to leave your mother so young, but that it was part of both of their journeys. It made your mother strong, and able to deal with so many things in her life..” She suggested I pass that along to my mother, and I might when I see her again. I will have to decide if it would be well-receive by my mom, but since it is something her mother asked me to do, I probably will.

Which is what my sisters and I have always said, that Mom is able to adjust to any situation with such grace. Obviously, the one she faces now the hardest, not being able to communicate and being partially paralyzed resulting in the loss of so much of her prized independence. But I do believe that because of her mothers death so young, and subsequently living with a variety of aunts and uncles, that she learned how to adjust to different living situations, and to make friends and make people love her. Because everyone loves her.

The medium said she was showing her two faces, identical…did I look like my mother? No….My mother looked just like her mother. The medium said, “It seems as if it was close enough that people remarked on it.” Oh yes, in fact, it caused problems with my mothers older sister, because everyone commented on how much mom looked like my grandmother, and never mentioned her older sis, who as I understand it, was quite jealous of the fact and the attention it brought Mom.

It was pretty cool to have a communication with my grandmother that I never met. And to know she is with me.

Then she had a male presence which was undoubtedly my father. First off, she had advice on the same personal situation as the native American guides, which validated that it was my father, because it was exactly what he would say to me, lol.

Then the medium said, “I hear someone yelling ‘Fore!!!’ Did your father play golf?” OMG, I jumped, the hair stood up on my arms. “Yes,” I answered. “Every moment that he could.” He once got a hole in one, I think it was his proudest moment next to the birth of his 3 daughters.

She asked if he was part of a group of men, like a club or something because he was with these men and was happy… I could only think of the Air Force, he was in the reserves til a few years before he died in 1988.

It was wonderful to hear from him, she told me how he loves me and is with me. These things I knew, he always made sure we knew he loved us, and I have always known he was with me.

She asked who did the Ancestry.com thing. That is my older sister…she was able to put together about a 4 page family tree. The medium said, “but I hear that you weren’t able to have those family discussions where 3 or 4 generations sit around passing along family stories…” And this was so true. I said, “no, we weren’t but we’ve gotten my mother to write down a lot of her life, and to tag all the photos we can find.” The medium said that there are legacy writers now, who interview elders and then turn their stories into books for them.

Which I think was maybe a message for me about the writing, maybe in conjunction with my 2 sisters, since we all share a love of writing, particularly my older sis and I. I spoke to my sis about it yesterday, that maybe when I move down to Florida, we could collaborate. Just throwing the idea out but she was receptive.

The medium also told us in the beginning that some messages are meant for more than one of us. At one point, she was asking another woman about someone in her family who had a name like a flower, a young person. The woman nodded but didn’t really respond as if she knew exactly who she was talking about. But I think it was meant more for me. My niece who died in a car accident 10 years ago when she was 24….her name was Aster. I had been hoping she’d show up and I think she did. I should have spoken up…I didn’t because it wasn’t my reading, but in hindsight I should have. Next time I will.

So…it was pretty amazing, satisfying, good for my soul. I have no doubt that my loved ones were there, or my guides (how else did she know about Florida??). Looking forward to doing it again sometime.

On Vulnerability and Love

The morning was gray, and quiet. I sat on my deck, having coffee, reading blogs, reading email. Doing some pensive introspection. About myself. About S. About vulnerability.

I have been a champion of vulnerability. I have watched Brene Brown’s TED talk on vulnerability maybe a dozen times. She speaks to what I have always known, but did not form into a cohesive thought until I saw her speak.

I have never been afraid to be vulnerable. Not with my friends, not with strangers, not with the men in my life. Not in my blogs, or my book, or with my son. I do believe that you don’t give someone all your secrets, until they have proven the right to hear them.  I give it out a little at a time, but I give it.  I will initiate it.  I am not afraid of it.

I believe it is the only way to have a real, fulfilling, human experience. I believe, as Brene does, that it is the birthplace of creativity, of joy. It is the ying of the yang. You can’t know joy if you don’t risk something. You can’t be creative if you are afraid of failure. You can’t expect someone to open up to you their deepest darkest secrets if you won’t share in kind.

Vulnerability means that you take a risk, you put yourself out there. Not knowing what the outcome will be, if you think that there might be a reward that makes it worthwhile. There is no risk-free existence. You can’t imagine that just because you love someone they will always love you back. You can’t believe that everything will always stay the same. Change happens. And when it happens, and you hurt from it, instead of closing your heart, you have to thank God you are able to love so passionately, so fully. Because it means you are alive. If you hurt….it is the ying to the yang. There is no great reward without great suffering.

Ram Dass tells a story about his guru, who when given the option of love vs. suffering, chose suffering, because it was then that he would grow. Learn about himself.

So, we wish those who cause us to suffer, love and light. We let them go on their way, in their life, and hope that they find joy. We find ourselves better prepared to go on with LIFE, and LIVING, because we have a deeper understanding of what brings us joy, and peace.

One of my favorite quotes is from Khalil Gibran. It states:

Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.

I have a friend who was devastated by an ex. This persons heart is closed now, for the most part. They do not want to love again, to risk giving of themselves because the pain is so great. I see cracks in the wall occasionally. But the person quickly fills them in, and retreats behind the wall again.

To me, it is like being dead before you are dead. So love didn’t work out that time, or the time before. Maybe it worked for awhile, a long while, and then it changed. Change is part of life. Loving to me is living. I cant’ separate the love of a person, from love of myself, my family, of every living thing. To stop one is to diminish all. Because they are all connected.

This being said….if we love someone to the best of our ability, and they choose not to return it for whatever reason, it’s not healthy for us to continue to dream that they will. There is a time to let go, and acknowledge that this is not the one for you. It comes with self awareness. Let go with joy, wishing all blessings and happiness to that person. And then risk being vulnerability again.

Never forget that once you decide what you want, the universe will conspire to make that happen. Thoughts become things, so think the thoughts about what you want. Not about what you don’t.

And live. LIVE.

Being Intentional

My book club has been reading Seat of the Soul by Gary Zukov. It’s a small group, 5 of us. The book has a couple of chapters on intentions, and how important it is that we mindfully set intentions.

I first began to learn about intentions during my divorce. During that time I was seeking any and all information that could help me find my way through the minefield of ending a 40 year relationship, a 32 year marriage, and keep my head centered and grounded, and not get caught up in the vortex of negative emotions that surrounded it.

I’m not sure where or how the idea of setting intentions came to me. But at some point during the divorce I stopped thinking about how things were (scary, lonely, broke, sad, missing my son) and instead thinking about what I wanted them to be (my son with me, in my own beautiful sunlit home). I stopped wishing that my ex would get hit by a bus, and began dreaming about shopping for furniture.

4 years after I started that chaotic process, I had a beautiful home, on the side of a hill where the property is bordered by tall trees, and the sun shines through my skylights and warms my soul. My son and I have been very happy here.

So, I’m proof that intentions can work.

I started with parking places. Driving to the grocery store, or Walmart,I got in the habit of saying “I will get a good parking space. I will get a good parking space.” It has almost always worked. If, driving to work, I set the intention that the day would go smoothly, it often would.

Now….as with others in my book club, I don’t know what my intentions are. I watched Oprah say that after she read Seat of the Soul, she insisted that every show she did had an intention. So what are mine now?

To finish and publish my book, and have at least a few people who don’t know me buy it. To be able to retire comfortably in a warmer climate, and to spend my days making jewelry, writing, reading, performing reiki for people. Near or on a beach, listening to the sound of the waves, watching dolphins, collecting shells, eating fresh fruit and veggies, and maybe, if I really do it right, having the company of a special man to share it all with.

The thing is, I’m blessed with a wonderful life. My divorce was hard, contentious, drawn out, emotional. The same as all divorces. But I was blessed to have a wonderful close knit group of friends who saw me through it. Who helped me grow, who included me always. Like I told a friend at book club, I had a wonderful life the second I left that house where everything was broken down, let go, ad falling apart. The marriage was just one more thing that didn’t work anymore. The minute I was out, friends were at the door with the movers to help me begin my new life.

But back to intentions. Should I be setting them for some loftier goal? World peace maybe?

I think I have to, we all have to, listen to our hearts. To our gut. And follow our passion. Every thought we have affects the whole. Today I saw a video that a Korean woman had set up an experiment to show how her emotions affected water in bowls set out around here in a pattern of sacred geometry. It clearly showed how we our thoughts and emotions ripple outward.

The thing is, it would be easy to set a negative intention without even knowing you were doing it. If, for instance, you wake up dreading your day, thinking about what is going to go wrong at work, it probably will. We had an order at work that just went bad. First we got the wrong product. Then the right product got stuck in customs, then left behind at the UPS facility, twice, extra security scans…yada yada yada. I was saying to my boss, boy when an order goes wrong it really goes wrong.

But did it go wrong because we expected it to? It’s so easy, and is external ego power like Gary Zukov says, to find fault with others and play the blame game and expect it all to go bad. But was it partially caused by our acceptance, our expectation, that it would go bad?

As for world peace….well, I tend to believe that our souls choose these lives to learn specific lessons. And for some reason I don’t think the lesson I came here to learn was how to achieve world peace. But perhaps it was, how to achieve inner peace.

So, for now, I will continue setting intentions for finishing and publishing my book, for retiring where it is warm, for spending my days doing things that are a passion for me, and with, hopefully, someone who I’m passionate about and who is passionate about me.