Sunrise Thoughts

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I walked out the door at 6:30 this morning to go to the town dock, about a half a block from my sister’s house to watch the sunrise.  I’d only been up a bit, but I could see the sky turning pink over that way, so got dressed, made coffee and off I went.

There was a southeast breeze blowing off the water, and about 65°F, so I was glad I put a light sweater on.  Sunrise was supposed to be 6:45, and normally there are 4 or 5 people there already by 15 minutes before.  Neighbors, and as much as I’ve been down here, I know quite a few.  However, this morning it was just me.

The pink was already leaving the sky when I got there, but it was still beautiful.  I sat on the bench, and closed by eyes, breathing in the balmy salt air breeze, loving the dawn of a new day.  (I am such a morning person.)  Looking at the boats in the harbor, some on moorings, some anchored out with their dinghies tied to the stern, knowing they were on board, waking up to the rocking of the boat in the gentle waves. I remembered feeling that many many times, and missed it.  There’s nothing like waking up on the water, or going to sleep to that same effect either for that matter.  I used to sleep better on our boat than anywhere else.

I opened my email, there was an email from B.  It was kind, articulate, acknowledging my feelings and relationship with S.  I believe she wants to put all the unkindness away, as I do.  I would have liked S to be the one to stand up and say what B did, but he’s who he is, this is a way for him to get someone else to say it for him, so he doesn’t have to acknowledge personally what he said, and did that was so untrue.  But I’m letting it go.  My life is so moving on and away from all of that.   I have no pangs of regret for it, but it is so clearly not what I want in my life.  I cant imagine being in a relationship with someone like him, never being able to trust him, always having to play detective, always needing to verify everything he told me, and dig out the whole truth.  I wish her luck, I really do, because she has so much of her life invested in him.  It was a lesson, a rung on the ladder of my evolution, to know him and to love him.  And now I continue up the ladder.

So, on the balmy sea breeze, I just let it go.  There will probably be more to let go, but it’s all flowing away easily at the moment.  I’ve learned what I needed to learn.  I’m glad I did what I did in January, to complete that lesson.  It was good for me, and caused no pain for me, because I never got reattached.  I saw reality.  I think too, that in the end, it was good for B too, to see the way he actually is, that he could say one thing to her, making her believe he was in so much pain, and actually running to another woman’s bed instead of dealing with the behavior that broke her heart in to a million pieces. For me, seeing that reality makes it easier to let go. I can only hope when her heart is put back together, it is stronger than it was.

As soon as I was done responding to her, a man came and sat down on the other bench with his cup of coffee, and struck up a conversation.  He had an Irish type of brogue, I asked him where he was from (because most people you meet here are not from here, lol.)  He was from Thunder Bay Canada.  I have met so many Canadian people between last night at the art show and now him. Like maybe 4 or 5 new people, friends of my sis, all from Canada.  We talked a bit, about the area, and the mornings, and the sunrise.  A very nice man.  We walked back down the dock in conversation, and I found out he’s renting the upper floor of the house across the street from my sis’s house.  He’s been renting it for 6 or 7 years now in the winter.  We joked about why everyone in the world isn’t in Florida for the winter, lol.  I said, well I soon hope to be.  He asked about winter in CT, and I told him about the 4 ft of snow we got one night 2 years ago, lol.  We agreed that the sunrise is a perfect way to start the day.

It was so pleasant, just to have a normal conversation with a man on my own.  Kind of like a gift from the Universe, saying see what will happen when you have let all that other stuff flow out of you, and away on the breeze?  Feeling so much like this place is exactly where I need to be.

So, I’m posting a couple pics of the sunrise. The one at the top was just before.  The one at the bottom is just after.  It was just an average, maybe even below average, but still just lovely.  Love and light all.

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Solitary Thoughts on Revenge, Truth, Happiness, and Love

 

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I was alone all day today, after my son went to work around noon. I was going to take a walk with a friend from my book club, but after I grocery shopped I was exhausted. I suppose because I only got about 4 hours sleep last night, and worked around the house changing sheets, doing laundry, cleaning windows, until I went to the store. So, I didn’t go for the walk.

I had a text conversation with the new guy from a dating site, and it went nowhere. Boring, lol. Might have been a scammer, Idk. But when he asked what I wanted in a man, I said, “Hmmm, funny, interesting, creative, maybe slightly outside the box like me. Someone I feel a connection with.” And that was the last I heard from him, lol. Literally. Not, “well it’s been nice talking to you”, nothing. Just disappeared. I wasn’t interested at all, so didn’t follow it up. Boring. Self absorbed.

I had asked him why he was single. Was he divorced, or widowed? He said, “Didn’t you read that in my profile?” Well, if I did I forgot….. Geezus, I didn’t memorize it! So when he asked me what I wanted in a man, I said, in the middle of the description, “This is all in my profile too, lol.” Trying to make him look at himself. Apparently, he didn’t like me or me throwing his words back at him.

God I can’t put up with crap, at all, any more. Geezus. Be real.

When I said it, what I wanted in a man, I was actually describing all the things I loved about S. Too bad he balances it with all lies, deception, unhealthy living, not being able to stand in his story, not being able to own his actions. And casting blame all around him rather than look it in the eye and deal with it. Too bad he can’t recognize and accept love, given to him just because he was. Too bad he had to assign motive to it. Well, there was a motive, then. To help him to be happy. That was all. I already was, am. I loved him enough, just to want him to be.

I doubt that he is, happy. I doubt he has what he wants, and I doubt he even knows what that is. I don’t think it’s what he professed it to be, or his behavior would have been different. He had some pie in the sky thing that was going to make him happy, but it wouldn’t have. Sooner or later he would have fucked it up again. Because he couldn’t/can’t be happy on his own. He couldn’t/can’t love himself. Neither she nor I, nor both of us together at the same time, could love him enough for him to love himself. No matter if we both loved him with every fiber of our being. It would never have been enough.

It makes me hurt for him. But it doesn’t make me want to unblock him on my phone. I can’t do it again with him. Even if that’s not on the table, I have no way of knowing, and I am not going to take the chance.

I talked on the phone to Montana, my friend who lives up there, this afternoon for about an hour, maybe longer. That was nice. She had me google these Arched Cabins. They are pretty cool, I gotta say, and inexpensive. We talked about books, about dating, about our men or lack of, about our abusive ex’s, our kids. Covered a lot of ground, lol.

But then I was alone again. I have to stay busy when I’m alone, that’s when it would be easiest to crack the door open to S again. Just unblock him to see if he tried to reach me. Or just leave him a message. Or an email. Or a text, to see if he’d answer. Or carry on a conversation with him in my head that I will never have. It’s when I’m home, and alone, especially if I’m tired, that he starts creeping into my psyche again.

So, I vacuumed. I washed the floors. I made some buffalo wings. I cut up some fruit. I fell asleep for about 20 minutes on the couch.

Now I’m watching Wild, which was such a wonderful book, and the movie is very true to the book. I’ve seen her, Cheryl Strayed, many times, mostly on OWN. She is one amazing woman.

She undertook walking the PCT (Pacific Crest Trail, the west coast equivalent of The Appalachian Trail on the east coast) because her life was a mess. She ruined her marriage cheating on her husband with anyone she met. She was a heroin addict for quite a while. So she walked this trail, by herself, about 2000 miles. She ended it a different person than she began.

I hope S can find his PCT, his journey out of the darkness. It’s my most sincere hope for him.

I know he thinks I posted the truth about our January together as revenge to him for saying he didn’t want me at his house. But it wasn’t revenge. It was for her, it was all for her, so she would know the truth he would never tell her. So she could decide, with all the facts in her hand, whether or not she really wanted to be with him or not. Maybe she did, maybe they reached some common ground. Maybe she walked away forever. Maybe she’s still stuck in limbo, loving a man who would screw her over because he has no center, no ability to make a good decision. No comprehension of right and wrong.  Loving a man who will always pick immediate gratification over the long term repercussions.  He’ll always deal with those if and when they show up.

I know she loved him. I know I loved him. Like I said before, it would never matter how much someone loved him. Until he can find his own light, and let it shine, no one can love him enough.

So I posted it for her. It had nothing to do with him. It was for her, I hoped she’d read it, and at least know the truth. I knew it would hurt. But not as much as finding out you’ve made a decision based on the lie that poured out of the mouth of someone you loved and wanted to trust. My mistake was thinking that love and trust went hand in hand. They should, but they don’t. Or didn’t, in this case.

He said all the right things to me during that short time. About changing, about living honestly. He confided many things to me that he had not before. I really had hope for him. Then the moment he was under pressure, he defaulted back to that underhanded man who can’t own his actions, who can’t stand in his story, who has to not be at fault for a situation he created.

And I knew then, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I couldn’t have him in my life, no matter how much I loved him and wanted his happiness. I knew that at the end of the day, there would never be anything but endless pain for me if he was in my life.

It was small, compared to the betrayal of last summer. But it was the confirmation I needed. I needed to see if his words were real, or contrived to keep me in his bed, while he pulled himself together and figured out how to get her back. I got my answer. She told me, he can’t stand to be alone.

I don’t know if he is alone now or not. I am, but I’m ok with it. I can make myself happy. I have a rich full life without a man. Friends that call, that will go out with me. Things to do, things for which I have passion. I feel like I have a place in the world that I’m comfortable with.

I wish him well. I hope he finds some happiness, true, real happiness within himself before he dies. I hope she is well. I hope her heart is healing, and isn’t broken again. She’s still showing up on my FB page, I like to think that’s because we are friends on another level.

I suppose, considering the connection that I have always believed S and I have, that he and I are friends on some other level too.

So this blog has stretched out, lol. I guess I had a lot on my mind. Hope everyone has a nice evening. Or whatever it is, wherever you are. Love and light.

It Doesn’t Matter

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I had a romantic notion, I guess, of what a twin flame was.  I was horrified to think that someone who is so wrought with his own emotional problems, deep-seated issues that he can’t figure out himself, that cause him to act in ways that are hurtful to himself and others, could be my twin flame. 

This morning, it doesn’t matter.  It is, what it is.  If he doesn’t mature spiritually, we will not connect in this lifetime.  That journey is his to travel.  I will continue on my path, he on his.  Maybe in some lifetime we will connect.  I don’t think in this one, though I can’t possibly know when we will connect. 

Maybe I’ll find out that he’s really not my twin flame.  Maybe there are coincidences after all, and none of them are signs.

Though, my intuition tells me differently.

The relationship with him is rife with signs, but if he doesn’t read them, and only I do, it doesn’t matter. Or, if he reads them but discredits them, it doesn’t matter.

My intuition tells me that it just doesn’t matter here, in the present moment, what his soulful relationship to me is. 

I’ll let it be.  I’ll trust my intuition to guide me through whatever comes up.  My purpose here is to evolve my soul.  I believe it’s everyone’s, but if it’s not recognized on a human level by someone else, even a twin flame, it doesn’t make any difference to me. 

Since we don’t talk, ever now, which is so weird really after communicating constantly all day every day, except when we were in a push away phase, I have no idea where his head is at.  It’s been since November 19 that I have talked to him.  Since the weight of the lies fell out of his mouth and onto my heart, and as he asked me to lie for him, to become what he was, and I had to tell him he was dead to me. 

He is not dead to me, as a soul.  His current choices, as a human, made him dead to me.  Until he can grow, and change.  I have wondered when I will hear from him again, thinking in months maybe.  Because I have been sure I will at some point.  But now?  Maybe not for years.  Maybe not until we move on from this life. 

It doesn’t matter anyway.  My life moves on, the way it was.  The path was moving forward nicely, and then he showed up and I stumbled and lost myself, spun arouand and around, because there were some lessons I needed to learn, and now my life goes on.

My friend to whom I gave Reiki texted me last night to tell me that the issue she had that brought her to me yesterday, had taken on a whole, different feeling.  The issue has to do with her sister, and is ongoing.  They talked, they both laughed, good healing belly laughs.  The issue remains, but my friend was able to support her sister, and lift her.  I was delighted.

My friend also has issues with her ankle.  It hurts her often and a lot.  She said it was killing her when she got here.  Last night she said she forgot about it, there was no pain from it at all.  I’m sure it’s not gone, the issue with her ankle, but I’m so happy she had some relief.

It is satisfying to be able to help people.  To reach outside my own issues, and leave them be.  To make a deeper connection with people close to me.

I found a great site for guided free meditations.  https://www.tarabrach.com/guided-meditations/     I did one this morning that was on “knowing”.  Takes you very deep, to rest in your knowing.  I found some peace there.  My solar plexus was very tight when I got there.  I did self-reiki on it, while I did the meditation.  It feels fine now.

I guess that the tightness was caused by left over emotions from last night’s twin flame revelation.  Right now, it means nothing, because we are apart, as we were before, and it’s not my job to wait for him to catch up, as my medium friend said.  It’s his to catch up. He doesn’t listen to his soul much, he doesn’t think he has one, or doesn’t think it’s connected to the loving energy of the universe. 

People will make any excuse for bad behavior won’t they?  If you can believe you are not connected then I suppose that gives you free rein to do whatever the heck your narcissistic ego tells you to. 

Not my problem.  It doesn’t matter.  I won’t bump into him again, unless he matures. 

 

 

 

Christmas Eve Growing Pains

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Christmas Eve.  The cooking is done for tonight.  We had a nice meal, but now my son has retreated to his space, and I’m here alone with the tv and my computer.  I miss the old days of being with extended family, having people around.

I called my ex today and told him there was soup and cookies on his doorknob.  He seemed really happy that I thought of him, and that I called.  He got me up to date on his family.  Most of it I knew but I didn’t tell him.  He didn’t sound drunk, so maybe he has stayed off the alcohol.  We had a nice conversation, and that’s a relief.  I called him because I knew if he didn’t go out of the house through that door, he wouldn’t know it was there.  And he didn’t know.  I was glad he called.

I told my son his father was going to call him.  I told him about our nice conversation.  I said, “you know, it would be nice if we were all at least talking before we all move.”  My son nodded, and agreed.  He has not talked to his father in 4 years.  At least.  I think it’s time, really.  He’s been away from his dad for 7 years, I’ve been for 9.

His dad called tonight, while we were eating.  My son didn’t answer it, but said he would call him back tomorrow.  I would be so happy if the relationship with my son and his father improved to the point that they were on speaking terms.  I was going to say was normal, but I think that’s asking a lot.  If my son can talk to his father, at all, without fear or resentment, I would be happy.  That’s a Christmas gift in itself.

While I was writing, my son came up and he and I just had an intimate, hard conversation about moving.  He to Colorado, me to Florida.  He is afraid he won’t have saved enough money to move, and set up a new life there by the time the house sells.  He just told me he is happy here.  He doesn’t want to even move, he would be happier if we were just staying here.  But he knows I can’t stay here and keep the house if I retire.  It’s just too expensive to live here.  But we came up with a plan, I assured him I would work with him.  But it’s up to him to make a plan he can live with, and then work the plan.

He feels better.  It’s overwhelming to him, he’s only lived in this small New England town his whole life.  Growing pains.  He’s kind of been living in between being totally on his own and being taken care of by a parent.  He’s talking about embarking on his own life, and he’s overwhelmed by it.  But he’ll be fine.

I have to say, we have been happy here.  Living here has been a hard won dream come true.  This is the place where we healed from the years of abuse.  The end of this segment of our lives is going to bring big changes to us both.  They will be good changes, but changes nonetheless.

Seems like a lot of growing pains this Christmas.  My son, and his life.  His and my relationship with his father.  Me with letting go of those things that have not served me well this past year, the things that have drained me, and given nothing back.  Over the next week, I want to fully let these things go,  and focus my attention where it will move me forward in my dreams, and bring me joy.

Still, I am so blessed this Christmas.  So much to be grateful for.  And I am.  More than I can say.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

 

 

Non-Monogamy?

Another weirdly warm December day today. Yesterday it was in the mid-60’s, today will be similar, but cloudy not sunny.  We are all loving it.  Our heat doesn’t go on, we don’t have to wear 5 layers of clothes to stay warm, my winter coat has not come out of the closet yet this year!

Awesome, just awesome.

I don’t know what’s going on with A, he was acting weird last night.  He did finally text me, and quickly said “goodnight sweetie” then began to talk about his date Friday night.  How she’s nicer than the last woman he dated, and how she’d invited him and his son to Christmas.  I said, “Wow, on the first date….”  because that actually seems a little weird to me, to ask someone on the first date to come to your home for Christmas.  I will say he exudes kindness and love, but still…just seems a little needy on her part or something to me.  And on his, to accept that quickly.  To me, coming to someone’s home on Christmas speaks to a closer level of connection than a single date.

But then I began to think how he’s going to meet the Michigan woman in a month…and this one wants him for Christmas, and I wondered…and asked… “Did you tell her about Michigan?”   Because, really…someone who is asking you to Christmas on the first date obviously likes you and I would guess she’s not thinking about being one of many partners.

He didn’t answer.  At all.  I have not heard since I asked the question.

Maybe he feels it’s none of my business, but we are close friends, I can ask him anything, I thought, or tell him anything.  And if he’s going to get chummy with this new woman, she should know his plans.  I will always advocate having the truth on the table.  Anything else is just self-serving.

I’m thinking I don’t really like this new thing he’s doing, deciding that he doesn’t want to be monogamous.  He said he wants to learn to share better. ??? I think it’s an idea he picked up from the Michigan woman, who last week, was “off with her other boyfriend.”   Speaking from experience, it’s a recipe for disaster.  When he told me that a week or so ago, I said,  “I can’t do that, Addie.  Scott would have loved it if I could, but I can’t.”  Reminding him of the pain it caused me.   It is incongruous with the man I have known for the better part of a year, for him to not be monogamous, for him not to be forthcoming about his intentions with others.  I’m not jealous, I’d love for him to find someone who loves him madly.   I can’t love him that way, and lord knows I tried, but it wasn’t there.

I’m afraid he’s a mess.  And I still know if I wanted to be in a relationship with him, he’d give it all up….  I don’t know if he’s more hurt than he will admit by my not wanting him to come here, by my not wanting to have an intimate relationship with him and is trying to fill the hole.  I’m not tuned into him like I am/was (hopefully was) to Scott. So I can’t read it that well from 2000 miles.

Well, I’m not going to obsess over it.  Things change, and it seems he is too.  If this path continues, we won’t be so close anymore, because I can’t admire what he’s doing at the moment.  I’ll miss him, but it is what it is. I’m still grateful to have him, to have had him in my life, he’s never treated me with anything but love and respect, except for his little anomaly yesterday asking to come see me after he’s been with the MI woman.  But it does show where he’s headed….not a good thing.

 

Whatever Remains, Let It Go

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It was quiet by the ocean yesterday.  There were other people in the park, couples walking their dogs, or walking the walking paths, kids flying kits.  Not many on the beach though. maybe a half dozen.  I was alone, a few people were alone as well.

The park is an old estate, complete with a 40 room mansion, now used mostly for weddings.  I went to one there once, we were walking around the mansion, pretending we were actors in Downtown Abbey.  There are all kinds of formal gardens, and one has a statue of a Buddha in it.  Usually when I go, I offer something from the sea to the Buddha, a pretty stone or shell.  I did so yesterday too, and set it down with the intention of letting go.

I had done something others might feel was foolish before I went.  S used to talk a lot about when a relationship ends wanting closure.  I had been feeling that I wished it didn’t end so ugly, though I don’t know what other outcome there could have been, when there were so many lies and deceptions, all by him.

But I texted him, just saying I would be there, if he’d like to talk, and get some closure.  I didn’t have any expectation that he’d come, I didn’t really care if he came.  I have had a feeling that he’s a wreck, I thought it might be something he needed.  But there was no answer, which is answer enough in itself.  I won’t ask again.  It was for him, not for me.  And really, what closure would there be?  He probably blames me that he’s lost Betty, not himself.  I doubt very much that at this late date, he is ever going to own his story, this story, that he created to fail.

It makes me sad for him, but it’s his journey.  I wash my hands of it.  If he wants to reach me he knows how.  But since he didn’t respond to the text, I’m pretty sure he won’t try, at least not for a long time.

In the meantime, I am loving having a drama-free life.  I didn’t realize the toll it was taking on me.  There was constant never ending drama, even before the breakup.  There was him always wanting to see me for a few hours, me fighting it, me wanting him, me trying to understand what was going on.  I was spending so much time and energy on him.  And now, I have a lot of time and energy for myself, my son, my home, my friends, and who knows what else. It’s like breathing again.

A has been in constant communication with me from Santa Fe.  He was dating a woman who a couple weeks ago decided they would just be friends, which he was ok with.  Then asked him to her hot tub.  He was going to go.  Then he sent her by accident a picture of himself, meant for me.  It was just his normal good morning sweet Deb picture, but she took exception to it, though he says she knew about me, and also, that they were just friends.  Then yesterday she told him he wasn’t giving her enough attention or courting her properly….

He said, this is way too confusing.  Too much drama.  I’m afraid this is goodbye.

I kind of felt bad for him, but really…she sounds like she had mixed emotions, and was so inconsistent.  He was fine, but a little frustrated, confused by it.  I think I helped him understand it a little, and I was glad to be there for him.  He has talked me down so many times. He asked if my life was still drama-free, and I was happy to tell him yes.

I do miss S, from time to time.  But I always remember him before last spring, when she came back.  When I remember what transpired between last spring and now….it is easy to walk away from it, and put it all behind me.  I’m still looking, but I have the feeling that the man I’m looking for will be in Florida when I move there.

Just some introspective thoughts today.  Morning meditation:  Breathe in love.  Breathe out Scott.  Whatever remains, let it go.

Love and light.

PS  The picture at the top I took yesterday.  It is where I own a boat slip.  It reminds me to keep my perspective on what a small part of my journey the last 18 months really is.

 

 

Real Communication

I love intimate communication.  The kind of conversations you have where you learn about the other persons soul, where there is no judgement, only give and take, and connections are made.

I have these conversations with my friends, often.  It requires the willingness to be vulnerable, to put yourself out there, to show up and be seen, but it also creates connection that is unbreakable.  I think when a relationship ends, for me, it is the loss of communication that I miss the most.  When a friend moves away, I miss the late night conversations the most.  The talks on the deck late into the night over a glass of wine, or a cigarette.  (I don’t smoke, but some of my friends do, or did.)

I do a lot of texting during the day, because at work, my office is a big open space, and most everyone can hear a phone conversation.  Texting is quiet, and something you can do when you have a minute, a conversation can go on for a long time, it doesn’t require that you stop an important task at work to continue the conversation.

I just don’t like when texting takes over for real conversation all the time.  It is nice to hear the other person’s voice, to add the additional information that audio gives you.  The way you can tell if the person on the other end of the line is pensive, or happy, or sad.  If they are being glib or earnest.  I like that I text with Jim but it doesn’t take over, we still talk by phone.  Even A, when we get into a sweet intimate conversation talking about our relationship, past and present, will call me.  I have had what I thought were real, truthful, intimate conversations via text, but found out later, they were just a diversion.  So, I don’t trust texting now, for any personal, intimate conversation.

Communication, real, intimate, truthful, sweet conversation is just such a blessing.

Writing…is also a great way to communicate.  I am generally more eloquent with the written word, lol.  I can look at what I write, and review it, and see if it’s exactly what I meant.  I have been known to send huge long texts…..the kind that are received on the other end as 10 texts, lol. Just because it’s my comfort zone at times, and at times when what I have to say I can’t say, verbally, to the other party, for whatever reason.  Because I’m not somewhere where I can talk, but it needs to be said. Because I’m too emotional to be able to spit it all out verbally.

Tonight when I go to dinner with Jim, I’m going to work at building an open and easy communication, because while he so far has been willing to show up and put himself out there, I can see he’s still not comfortable with it.  And me, I suppose I am more willing, but it’s my nature, first of all, to say, “This is me, I will be this person today, tonight and tomorrow….”  But also, I have been working for years now, to connect with myself and know who I am.

And still, I learn more every day. Close, intimate conversations with others where you listen, speak, and exchange ideas is how we learn about ourselves.  We see what is reflected back to us, we see where we want to go, and where we don’t.

Communication, really, is how we connect, if we are real and honest and willing.

Tough Day Ahead

tough dayAs I expected, I heard from S last night, I would guess it wasn’t long after Betty Boop was gone home.  Nothing was accomplished, I had told him he was unblocked in case he had anything to say to me.  Apparently he did not, last night, though he says he has plenty to say, but chose not to say it.  Of course, I was in bed, I was exhausted having slept very little the night before.  I had no expectations from him.  I just left the lines of communication open.

Why?  I don’t really know.  In hindsight, I don’t know that it was even a healthy thing to do.  He burned the bridge, when he played me.  I don’t know that hearing from him will dull the burn still blistering on my skin.  I woke up this morning feeling nauseous after about 5 hours of sleep.  Nauseous and crying, and wondering how he could do that to me, again.  Then I thought of A’s calm steady love of me, and how he gently, and carefully, and sweetly talked me down yesterday.  How he offered me the unconditional love that S spurned.  It was calming, to know that A will always be there for me.  Even as just a friend, he is a male friend who loves me, and understands how I love people.  I am so grateful that he is still in my life.

Maybe if I talk to S, I will get a clearer picture of who he is, and how he could do what he did to me, making it easier to let him go.  But maybe not.  I have a feeling he still wants me in the periphery of his life, to be able to text and talk to me, and to spend his time with Betty Boop.  That’s not going to happen.  No matter what, I cannot go back to where I was.  He made his choice, spraying out as much pain as possible in his wake. I don’t want to be with a man who can do that.

I bought Brene Brown’s new book “Rising Strong” last night, after watching her on SuperSoulSunday,  I think it is exactly what I need to hear to heal from this devastation, to find my way back to wanting to live.  She says, “Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, joy, creativity,…but if you’re going to be vulnerable, you are going to fall down.”  This book is about getting back up….and exactly what I need right now, help in getting back up.

This day is going to be tough.  I have to work til 7 tonight and I was awake at 4 am, and am still so stressed, I can feel my heart pounding in my chest.  It will be good though, to get back to a regular schedule, and not to be alone all day.  I know the people who love me will check in with me.  I’ll make it through the day, and hopefully be a little better tonight than I am this morning.

Love and light everyone.

A Time of Transformation.

  

The sun comes up so much later in just the last 2 weeks.  I’m outside before it, again.  There is a wee, crescent moon, a single star hidden behind the leaves of the tress and the eastern horizon is lighting up pink, fading to gray blue in a cloudless sky.  It is cool, but not cold, about 68 degrees.  No blanket needed this morning, the cool air fees lovely on my bare arms.

I still have a ball in the pit of my stomach, and food is still difficult though I am able to eat without feeling like I’m going to get sick.  I think now, it is not so much pain, but is so much regret, and confusion, and inability to comprehend what this whole past weekend was about.

First, the snake. I knew that the metaphysical meaning of a snake showing up in your life meant change.  I just looked it up for a closer look, at the meaning, it’s been a long time.  Here is what I found.

“Transmutation is the key word here. The shedding of old skin and emotions and transforming them into something bigger and better. If Snake winds itself into your life know that change is in the wind and that you are at the center of it all as the catalyst. Make sure that your intentions are clear and that you have clear a clear sense of the direction that you need to strike out in. Snake is letting you know that these changes are safe and that there is no need to fear them.”

And another site.

“The snake animal meaning is powerfully connected to life force and primal energy. In many cultures, it is revered as a powerful totem representing the source of life. When the snake spirit animal appears in your life, it likely means that healing opportunities, change, important transitions, and increased energy are manifesting.”

So, believing that there are no coincidences, I should probably look at the snakes appearance in my life in the very middle of all the weekend chaos, as a sign, that there is huge change coming, and not to be afraid of it.  That, combined with the message from the Secret Scrolls that I  published a couple days ago, which both said the same thing.  I need to lose the fear of change.

I sat last night, after I published my last blog on wanting to know the truth, and rolled around the events of the day and the weekend.  I am not meaning to be obsessed.  This is a habit I got into when I was married to a man who delighted in being devious, and loved to gaslight me, and just see if he could create a situation that would make me believe all the wrong things.  He did it for the pure joy of knowing he could control my mind and emotions.  So, I learned to read the signs, to be hypervigilant, to do my best to stay one step ahead of him.

In replaying everything last night, I still know that the conversation I had with S was not the truth.  That it was far from the truth. And that it’s design was to lead me into some chaotic path, back to him, without him having to own up to whatever it was he had planned, designed, and carried out.

Maybe it was like I said, they were together, it didn’t work out, and he was backtracking, to undo the damage he had done. Maybe the entire scenario was a fabrication, right from the start, maybe he never talked to  her at all, but made this up because he knows how jealous I am, to reassure himself that I still wanted him, and to get me to stop with ending the relationship.  I had been publishing all week prior to the appearance of Betty Boop, that I was done with the screwy relationship, that caused way more pain than pleasure for me.  Nothing adds up to him receiving a call  from her, telling me she’s back in his life, I should be happy for him, and it’s all he ever wanted, and then telling me they have just talked for a week.  I believe either they got together, hence me not hearing from him all weekend, and suffering all weekend, because he just didn’t give a damn, he was so caught up in the possibility that she was “back in his life”, or he made the whole thing up to keep me from breaking  up with him.

I have the voicemails still, that he left telling me he wished I’d be happy for him.  But I don’t want to listen to them again.  In my memory, they seem genuine, his voice seems as if he’s not acting.  But then again, he’s good at taking on roles,

The point this morning is, it doesn’t matter to me right now exactly what happened.  I know I don’t have the truth, and what the truth is doesn’t matter nearly as much as the fact that I was lied to.  And that is only equal with the fact that he knew how much pain I was in all weekend, and did nothing at all to ease it.

He is incapable of loving, but even more important he cannot empathize, he has no ability to understand another person’s pain, and he cannot stand to be accountable for the consequences of his actions.  Childish, immature, and so far from the man I thought he was, and so far from the man I want.

Back to the snake, I know the ball in the pit of my stomach is the transformation which has begun.  My transformation, out of this relationship, to open the door in a real way to a better, happier life.  It is letting go of something I held dear for a long time, and had dreams around, but every minute the fog is burning off my psyche and I see the truth a little bit better.  As it comes into focus, I will heal.

This morning, even though I can look at what happened and still feel enormous anger at S, I have to feel sorry for him too, that he felt compelled to make up a story to me, rather than tell the truth.  That he has so little confidence in who he is, that he can’t be real, even with me, who never asked him for anything except love which was the one thing I could not have. I hope he does what he’s been telling me he needs to do for 6 months, and that is to go and find  himself.  Find what he wants, find what he needs to be, and do with the years remaining on this earth.  He has so much potential, but he sets himself up for failure in his belief that he is not worthy of love and belonging.  I thought I could help him learn to believe that he has value because he exists, for no other reason.  But I can’t, couldn’t.  He needs to find that out for himself, to love himself.  He needs to learn to silence his ego, and allow his spirit to lead the way.  Then there is a possibility he will be able to love another person and not cause them both endless pain.

The sun is up now.  It promises to be a hot late summer day.  This time of year, I always think, is this the last hot day until next summer?  Will I feel the waves of warm moist heat on my skin again for many months? Every warm day in September is a blessing.  It is a good time for change, for transformation.  The autumn here is known for it’s beauty, the hills and mountains heavily wooded, covered with red, and gold, and orange, and still some green.  It can be breathtaking.

I would like to have my breath taken away by something beautiful for a change.

Note:  the picture at the top is from my deck as I wrote this blog.

Maybe The Universe Is Working in My Behalf.

This is me this morning.

Thank God for Ambien.  After working almost 40 hours in 4 days, I was exhausted.  But….didn’t consider going to bed until about 1 AM.  I was on the phone with a friend out in Montana for hours, crying on her shoulder, venting my anger, my hurt, my pain. I didn’t want to go lay down in the bed that he would  never join me in again.  I was afraid a torrent of raging tears would start that I couldn’t stop.  Somehow I calmed myself and slept for 4 1/2 hours. I guess due to 2 glasses of wine and an Ambien.  Bad to do together, but it worked for me last night.

I called him back, at midnight, or12:30 and asked him if she was there now.  No, he said.  I didn’t even know why I called him. I said, “You piece of shit.  You fucking piece of shit.”  and hung up.  I don’t know why I did it.  I just had, have so much rage.

II called him twice at 3 AM. He didn’t answer. I wanted to know when this happened, how long has he been seeing her.  I want to know if that’s why I never saw  him all summer, why he couldn’t make any plans ever, why he was always wanting to come here to my house, and never me to his.  I feel like I have a right to know how blind and stupid I’ve been and how big an asshole he is.

He said in his voice mail, “It’s all I ever wanted and you knew that.”  WHAT AN ASSHOLE.  No, I did not know that, when he was sleeping with me, talking to me all day long, having intimate conversations with me, begging me to come see him the Sunday before last.  No I did not know that he still was stuck on the fucking woman who tried to break him and abandoned him and took him for all she could.

Was I too strong for him?  I didn’t need him, but oh I wanted him and he knew that.  I loved being with him.  I put my heart on my sleeve and he fucking chewed it up and spit it out last night.  “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

And you didn’t fucking mean not to.  You meant to use me,and what I so willingly offered,to make yourself feel good.  The way it affected me was none of your business I guess.

But then there’s this.  Last Sunday we had a blow up, I just got sick of him calling me stupid because I couldn’t translate the two word texts he was sending me, and ended up misunderstanding him.  Just sick of it.  The wall went up, and I spent the week, trying to get over him.  Sure I would, I didn’t even miss him til yesterday.  I didn’t even see him as the same man til yesterday.

So, maybe, just maybe, this whole thing, the whole week, has been the universe working in my behalf.  Last Sunday was just preparation for him to tell me this last night.  As angry and hurt as I am, had I not spent the week trying to get over him, and move on by myself, last night would have been even worse, so much worse.

And seeing that, looking at that, I feel better.  I feel maybe the Universe is about to bring me what I want, about to open a door that’s been closed, because I couldn’t close the door on S.  Even though he clearly wasn’t actively participating in our whatever it was relationship.

They psychic back in June told me to stand my ground, that when I close the wrong doors the right ones will open.  She didn’t mention that I would have the door slammed in my face, and feel broken again, but still…the door is now shut for good.  I think it was probably necessary for something like this to happen for me to shut it and seal it shut, never to be reopened.

I’ll get over it.  That much I know.  I am still in shock, but I’ll get past it.  He can be with her, and find some more misery to cry about. He can work til he’s 75 to keep her out of debt, probably will pay for her divorce.  That’s probably why she came back.  She married someone very impulsively, she’s unable to manage her money, and can’t afford a divorce, so she’ll probably mooch the money off of him, and he’ll gladly pay some more so the bitch can continue to hurt him.  Stupid idiot.  Who would want someone back that took them for so much?  Someone who is used to being punished by those he loved.

Well that’s not me.  The people I love are given wings to fly.  Even him, when he told me he needed to go find himself.  figure out what he wanted.  I told him to go do it, that I fully supported it.  And what a bunch of bullshit that turned out to be.  The first chance he had, he dove right into the past.  Setting himself up to spend his life in more pain.  He survived liver cancer.  The liver is where we hold all our anger.  So, do I think they had 12 years of bliss together?  Doubtful.

And his daughter, with whom he’s become close…I’m sure she’ll be very happy.  She hates this woman, who she feels broke up her family. He told me, his daughter wanted nothing to do with her.  The woman was the cause of a rift between he and his kids that lasted years.  Welcome to the past again Scott.  It’s what you always wanted.

Where is the joy?  I know in my head I’m lucky to be out.  As my friend said last night, I’m glad it happened, it needed to happen for you to get away from him.  He’s really a loser.  You deserve so much better.  You make loving you so easy.  And he just couldn’t see it.

I’m better this morning.  I am moving away from all of it.  It’s like a car wreck, and even though I was shaken and bruised, I am basically unscathed.  My soul is intact.  I still know who I am, and where I’m going and what I want, and I know I’ll find it. He loves the car wreck, it’s where he wants to live.  He likes to live close to the edge of the abyss and occasionally see what happens if he falls in.

Once he told me, when talking about being rescued off a sinking fishing boat on Georges Bank or somewhere out in the Atlantic, that he feels the most alive when he’s close to death.  That should have told me everything I need to know about him, shouldn’t it?

Ok, rant for this morning over.  If you made it through this, thank you.  much love.