Tag Archives: communication

Compromise, or Self Accountability?

Posted on by learning to live like water

Damn, I needed a glass of wine tonight.

First a little update. A bought the house. I got 2 or 3 group texts, with pictures…waxing poetic about Santa Fe. He got to Santa Fe on the weekend. Previously he spent less than a week there last winter. And in 3 days, he decided to change his mind completely about his lifestyle, and put a contract on a house, which he couldn’t even have had inspected yet. WTF? I kept thinking something is really wrong with him. Then later today, probably because he had no response from me about the house, I got a private text. I have NO idea how it got through, but he asked if I had the surgery. I deleted it without reading, or even opening, so it would show on is phone as “undelivered”. That really threw me, I mean, how does he get a text through when I have both his numbers blocked, and it’s coming from a blocked number? And made me more concerned about his motivation to do what he’s doing. I mean, that would be severely delusional, if I had anything to do with his decision. But then, I was married to a man who still thinks his 23 year old son could be a professional soccer goalie. People are quite capable of spinning great yarns and believing them. So yeah, that gave me a little headache.

The wine tasted good. I’m only having one glass, even though I’d like more, lol. But it’s a week night, yada yada.

But then.

I was thinking about my relationships with S, and A. Before A’s text. And how I compromised myself, both times. With A…I accepted his love for me, misdirected and perhaps ill motivated as it might have been. I accepted it without loving him back, because he made me feel good. It was a lush feeling, for awhile, to have someone adore me. To hold me, before he left and tell me he loved me “so much”. To hug me and say, “Thank God you came back to me.” I had just gone to say goodbye…he was leaving forever….I didn’t say I was back, he told himself that story. I didn’t disabuse him of that notion. I felt he was leaving, I’d probably not see him again, let him leave happy. Which is probably why I worry about his motivation in buying a house so impulsively. I mean…it’s not my worry really, he’s a grown man, but how can it be a good decision based on so little information.

But I compromised myself with him. I didn’t tell him the truth, at least not all the time. When it got too much, I did. I never told him that I loved him, I never led him on, but I accepted love from someone who I didn’t love back, and that feels wrong. Like I should have been more honest, I shouldn’t have been so self absorbed in enjoying the huge ego boost I got from it. Just feels wrong. Like I used him, even though that wasn’t my intention. I tried to love him but I couldn’t. I knew I could love S, so I went back to S.

I knew I did love S. I adored him. And he broke my heart so many times. Finally I got smart and headed him off at the pass, but not before I cried a river, a fucking ocean, over that man. Wondering what was wrong with me, that he could so easily dismiss me. So the compromise there was, that I allowed myself to love a man, with everything I had, who didn’t love me back. He would tell me he missed me, but he only missed sex. He said once he missed making me laugh. But he also told me he didn’t want to be in love, or a relationship, that he wanted to see other women. So I guess the lauging and the sex wasn’t that big a deal. I gotta give him honesty. He only led me on once.

After he fucked the prison whore, which I have lots of blogs about last winter, as I tried to work through that. He knew I had begun to see A, and just didn’t want someone else to have me. I thought he wanted me. He told me everything, almost, that I ever wanted to hear, he did everything I’d dreamed about. It took me about 30 seconds to cast A aside and be with S.

And then once S knew I was with him, not A….all those things disappeared, never to be seen again. And we went back to our non-relationship status and it hurt more than ever.

Because I compromised myself. I gave myself willingly, because I wanted to love him. And I didn’t care that he didn’t love me. I let myself do that….treated myself like a tramp, like shit, because I wanted to love him. He treated me…ok, unless he was having a bad day, but he never was dishonest with me, except that one time, to keep me from being with A. I shouldn’t have allowed that either.

So here I am, compromised. By two men, on opposite ends of the spectrum. One, I let him love me, and I didn’t, couldn’t, love him back, but let him lavish it on me, just to make myself feel valuable. The other, I loved, with nothing in return. I let myself be used. Used honestly. It was only my fault.

So the question is…..should I be feeling bad about any of this? Am I responsible for the fact that A loved me, unrequited? No more than S is responsible that I loved him, unrequited. We can only control our own emotions. We can only set our own standards for ourselves.

A loved me, (I am not sure that’s even past tense at the moment), but I’m not responsible for his emotions. I never led him on, I just enjoyed his company. Until recently, when he was wanting a bigger camper “in case” I wanted to come see him, and then suddenly a house. And the way his conversation went far more intimate than I was comfortable with.

S…didn’t. I knew it. He’s not responsible for my emotions. I guess I kept thinking that he would love me someday, that some day he’d want me the way I wanted him. But it was my stupid dream, his was to be free. Over time, I began to detach. We saw each other rarely, we talked a lot, but there was nothing growing there, except separation. I accepted that over the summer, and little by little let the dream go. When he lost his temper with me over nothing this past weekend, it was not hard at all to close the book, and decide not to turn the page. I hadn’t seen him in a month. While I thought I missed him, I was actually in the process of detaching. This was the first time it has not hurt. Maybe there are no tears left to cry, but at any rate, I’m not and that’s a good thing.

(Let me just note here, that I have not been blogging about S and I for some time now.  The things in this blog are all things I have published before, so I don’t feel like I am breaking any trust by talking about them.  I cannot write this blog without mentioning them.  I am not going into any detail about why I closed the book on that relationship, now or ever.  If I did, I would be breaking the trust.)

Going forward….I don’t want to compromise. I will choose, yes choose, to love only someone who is capable of loving me back. I will not stay with someone just because he loves me. I will have balance, or be alone. It’s only myself that I have to not let down. No one else. Maybe I’ll be alone, but that would be preferable to not liking the person I have become. I’m alone right now, and you know what? It feels fine.

What Is Going On With A?

Posted on by learning to live like water

Some of you may remember A, the guy I dated after S did the prison whore, and then on and off as S and I went through our 2 week on-off cycles. A had a plan to sell his 3800 sq. ft. home and live with his 44 yr old son out of a camper. Which he did.  Put about 30,000 miles on his truck in 6 months. Finally, I realized that #1, I would never want an intimate long distance relationship, #2, that I was not really attracted to A in any kind of long term intimate way, #3, that the continuing communication wit him, mostly via text, was a distraction to me figuring out what I really wanted.

I communicated this to A, and he responded by trying to change my mind.  Just before this, he had been talking about buying a bigger motor home (the one he had was tiny, 150 sq. ft.) “in case you want to visit me” was his first reason.  I didn’t respond to that.  Because, it’s just not an idea I could wrap my mind around, and assumed there were other reasons, like even for his son and him there was no privacy in the small one.  I had seen it, it wasn’t really pleasant in any way.  He said that about the time he asked me if I’d have time to visit him next summer.

In talking to me after my communication, he told me that he would never get remarried (he is a widow of just over a year), which is fine with me because marriage is not an idea I ever want to visit again.  He also told me he planned to be homeless and live out of the camper/motor home for a couple of years because he was enjoying their travels so much.  He said he had wanderlust enough to last a long time.  When he left CT he had a plan to be in Santa Fe by this fall, then go back to his brother’s ranch in TX, then decide where they might want to stay for next spring/summer, but he loved Santa Fe the best, it was his first choice.

Now, I think it is fine for someone to follow their dream, or their bliss, it is, in fact, what anyone, everyone, should do.  However, I would not have any interest in visiting him (or anyone) for any length of time in a camper/motor home.  It’s just not my thing.  I told him I was a home body, just talking in general, that I would always want to have a home base.  (To be clear, I could stay on a boat for 2 weeks, a nice, good sized boat, but then that’s my thing.  Not camping.)  So, I was happy for him, I knew I would never want to be a part of that and he didn’t seem to be asking me, until he started with the visiting thing, and the needing a bigger camper/motor home in case you want to see me thing.

So, for all these reasons, I decided to just block him.  Then I wouldn’t get texts I felt compelled to answer, and if he just stopped hearing from me, hopefully he would move on, and let go.  It felt like a clean, necessary break to me.

For some reason, even though I have blocked all  his numbers, and everyone on his group text list, I still get his group texts.  I cannot stop them.

So a week after I just stopped the communication, I got a picture of his new, much larger, camper/motor home. This is about a week after he said the thing about needing one in case I came to visit him.  I immediately thought, “Damn, I hope he didn’t buy that thinking I would come to see him.”  But I thought, that would be crazy…no one would do that, would they?  No…I hope not.

Today, I got a group text with pictures of a house, and the scenery around it, in Santa Fe.  With the message “going to make an offer on this house tomorrow.”  WHAAAAA?  This is a guy who not more than 3 weeks ago insisted he didn’t want to own a home, wanted to continue to roam the countryside, seeing new sites, visiting new place, meeting new people, and was quite content to be “homeless.”  A couple weeks later he’s buying a house.  And he JUST got to Santa Fe about 3 days ago.

Again, I thought…I hope this has nothing to do with me.

I’m probably just paranoid.  He has not tried to reach me that I know of.  Of course, being blocked, I don’t get any texts, which was our main way of communication.  But there are no blocked call voice mails, and no emails.  It’s just that he was the kind of guy who got into me so much that all my interests became his.  Except the camping thing, which he and his son planned long before he knew me.  But the music I loved became what he listened to, my spiritual journey started to become his.  If I was going to Sam’s club he wanted to come with me.  Or anywhere.  ….idk.  That was something I didn’t really like.  At first, I found his attention flattering.  Then…it became too much.  We didn’t go out that long, only a few weeks, maybe a month.  He pushed it along way too fast.  When we first met I was broken, and bruised by S and the prison whore, it felt good to have someone who adored me, and made me his world.  But I realized that was totally selfish, and that I just didn’t feel the same, and found it easy to tell him I was going to try again with S.  That was 6 months ago.  Then I saw him a little bit before he left, when S and I were constantly breaking up. I just fear that A hasn’t really let go of some story he made up.

Anyway, when I got the text, I deleted it, as I do all his texts.  I hope he decided to buy a home because he wanted one, not because he suddenly thought I might come visit him if he had a home.  It just was so sudden, as was his purchase of a much bigger camper/motor home.  Didn’t seem particularly thought out…planned out…and was the opposite of his intention just weeks ago.

I sure wish I’d stop getting his group texts.  I’m looking forward to the day when I’ve shed past entanglements and made room for something new to come in the door.

On Vacation, Finally!

Posted on by learning to live like water

I am officially on vacation for a week.  No work.  Sigh.  Tomorrow I drive up to the Adirondack Mtns of upstate NY.  It should be a beautiful 4 hour drive.  Through the Berkshires Mts of Massachussetts, and then the Adirondacks.   It will be the longest trip I’ve ever taken alone.  Me and my music and my thoughts.  It’s going to be a beautiful day.

Today, I pretty much cut A loose.  We will remain friends, but it always creeps toward intimacy and I just can’t go there with him.  #1, I don’t feel it for him.  Sometimes, I wish he was around, because he is good to me, it’s all about me, but then, it’s just too much for me with him.  I don’t know if that’s because I am such a one-man woman, I just don’t feel right being intimate, even just talking, with someone when I want to be with someone else.  And I don’t want to maintain an intimate relationship with anyone that I might see once or twice a year.  Long distance is not what I want.

And that someone else, well, there’s not much to say about him. I’m not saying I want to be with him, because that means something different to each of us.  Right now…we are on opposite sides of the moon, (he’ll say he’s on the dark side of the moon I have no doubt).  But whatever, even though I miss him so much, I am not willing to go over to what he wants, at least what I think he wants.  He tells me I am wrong about him, but not how I am wrong.  I only have his words and actions to go by.  Could be that he doesn’t know what he wants, or that it changes frequently, neither of which is bad, it just implies that he needs time to himself to figure it out.  Maybe it means that he wants to have his cake and eat it too.  We used to laugh over that phrase, who doesn’t want to eat their cake?  But I think it’s meant to convey that you can’t have it both ways, i.e. he can’t have me only when he wants me, so until he wants more of me, he can’t have me.  Or it could be that I’m just wrong, but I don’t feel like I am.  Idk, S….talk to me.  Tell me.  I’m listening.

On top of that, it infuriates him that I write about him here.  It’s a problem, because he is so much a part of my thoughts, I can’t write a cohesive complete thought without mentioning him.  I will try though, I will try out of respect for his wishes.   It’s just another way in which we are opposites.  I wear my heart on my sleeve, I will put myself out there.  I believe vulnerability is just necessary, as Brene Brown says.  Suffice to say, S does not wear his heart on  his sleeve.

I had my pre-op exam this morning.  They told me it would take a half hr.  It took almost 2 full hours.  EKG, blood work.  On top of it, they had a new software system that no one could use well.  I tried to get a cup of Starbucks after, but you could tell I was in a different world than the one where I live when there was a 10 car line there at 11 in the morning.  I didn’t get any coffee, suffice to say.  I had work waiting….UGH.

I am pretty sure I left work in good shape, no orders waiting to ship, nothing that anyone had to finish for me.  I was stressed out to the max til about 5 when I realized I would finish it all, and did, by 5:45. So I can vacation in peace, knowing I won’t walk into a huge mess when I get back.  My department, which is just me, did the best in the whole company last month.  And for the year I have already doubled the total sales for last year.  I should be on commission, lol.  But all I get is OT, and too much of it as it is.  Getting too old for this.

I keep thinking, I could collect soc sec now, and work 20 hrs a week at a supermarket or something to make up the difference.  It is doable.  Then I could spend all winter getting the house ready to sell, not stress over the frigging snow and cold, or, more importantly, my job.  I may give that some serious though in the coming months.

Well I need to go pack.  I will be in the warm, familial embrace of my friend and her family for a few days, a welcome respite.  Her heart is on her sleeve too.  I probably won’t be on here nearly as much for a few days, though I’m taking my computer, because sometimes I have to write like a compulsion.  The picture at the top is where I’ll be til late Tuesday.

Voice Mails

Posted on by learning to live like water

I finally looked to see if S had left me a voice mail.  I didn’t so much as mean to, but I got a couple of voice mails I needed to listen to and saw there were 13 blocked voice mails, which were from him.  It makes me sad, but resigned to how it is.

I have no anger, no animosity.  He wants to talk.

As he said, in that lovely poem he wrote (which he is or was angry with me for publishing, tho when he gave it to me he told me I could put it up here or I wouldn’t have) “fate has determined that nothing will grow between us.”  I believe this is true, in this moment, the present moment.  We have talked about our issues dozens of times, on my deck, in  his living room, at the park where we met.  There is no resolution, now.  I want something he doesn’t.  I want a relationship where I am part of my lovers life, in all ways.  I don’t want a superficial sexual relationship with a friend.  He wants to be free, to see the world through his own eyes, without anyone else’s input.

I get that, I do.  But we have to go our separate ways for now.  If he gets tired of that journey, maybe then we’ll have something to talk about..  Right now, there is nothing more to say, and seeing and talking to him will not change it.  Our paths came together for awhile, we found comfort with each other, but that fragile tie was stretched to the breaking point this summer.  By me wanting more, by him wanting less.  It snapped, it broke.  It’s over, as it was.  It’s over for now, unless one of us does some major changing regarding what we want in life, and that won’t be me.  I know what I want, have known for a long time, years. One of my constant prayers is that I will know the love of a good man before I die.   I’m not going to change, I’m going to be who I am, and continue on the journey to find and create the life I want.  I know there is someone out there who will join me in that.

I am not going to unblock him.  I don’t want to have even one more conversation about this, about being friends, about how he wants to be free, about how he misses me, etc.  I am not going to commit to any of that right now.  Being friends with him in the past has always left me open to sexual innuendo, flirting, and it sucks me right back in.  So no, for now, no.  Maybe time and distance will change that.  Maybe not.

We can only live in this moment, and for now..the way things are at this moment, the door has to remain closed.

I don’t know what the future holds for anyone.  I can say, yes, I’m going to sell my house and move to Florida.  That’s all I really know right now.  I hope S will take this time to be free, to find himself, to figure out how he wants to live his life out and try to be happy.  I hope he does not get angry with me, but I am standing my ground for my own protection.  Maybe a time will come when I don’t feel I need to, but for now I just want to get away from the memories, the dreams I had for us.  They were only my dreams, not shared by him, not even shared with him because I knew they would push him even farther away.  Now….I think we need to have that space and distance and time, before we can really be friends, not looking for anything but friendship.

Mystic Pizza

Posted on by learning to live like water

Last night I was surfing the channels on TV, tired, unstressed, kind of wanted maybe a chick flick or something.  I stumbled onto Mystic Pizza.  It’s kind of a classic, Julia Roberts got her start.  Mystic is about an hour from where I live, I’ve been there many times and I like watching movies where I recognize the scenery.  So that’s what I watched.

In this case, as the movie went on, I thought, maybe not such a good idea.  Mystic is also a place I went with S, on our excursions.  It is on the CT shoreline, where I had wanted to spend the day yesterday but couldn’t.  But the thing that really got me was the 3 girls and their relationships, all the kissing.  S did not like kiissing, and rarely did more than a quick kiss goodbye. It was seriously withheld after our first date, and I think the idea, the implied promise, that it may happen again kept me hanging on.  Thus, my poem last night, Just a Kiss.

Of course, until I realized it just kept getting farther away, and finally, that it was never going to happen again.  He got what he wanted from me, there was no need to give me  more.  He wasn’t feeling it, he didn’t want to feel it, and I no longer craved it from him.  I just wanted to be free to find it.

By the end of the movie, I was just glad that I no longer felt the desire to have it from him, nor did I have the desire to interact at all with him.  I’m so glad I cut off communication by blocking him on my phone, it has helped me regain my equilibrium.  He can call and leave a voice mail, but I am not even checking to see if he did.  I don’t want to know.  I hope he has not, I hope he has respected my request to not try to communicate with me.

It’s funny, too, how my carpal tunnel the last few nights has not been nearly as painful.  My cousin told me that when the right arm has pain it’s from too much giving.  I’ve stopped giving to him, and my arm is much better at night.  It still hurts, I will still get the surgery, but it’s so nice not to wake up with shooting pains in it, like someone is sticking a hot poker down my arm, and my hands and fingers aching and throbbing.  Something to be said for the emotional component of all physical issues, isn’t there?

I guess that pain, like all the other from this difficult relationship, is receding.

Staightening Out the Mess I Created

Posted on by learning to live like water

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I had a rough day yesterday.  Feelings of being taken for granted permeated my brain, my being, from the people at work, to S.  I was angry by the afternoon.

At work, the lead admin is on vacation.  Her desk is deemed the most important admin job because she supports the sales of our biggest, main product. When she is gone, I cover her desk.  I have always done this, no one else knows how to do it.  Of course, no one covers mine while I cover hers, and my work generally gets behind.  This time, it has fallen way behind because we are all unbelievably busy.  My boss seems to be oblivious to it all, and just keeps piling tasks on me, which someone else could do but he’s afraid they will get mucked up.  I’m  afraid they won’t get done at all.  Anyway, the pressure got to me yesterday of expectations and realistic capabilities and I began to fold.

I heard from S, in his ever to be playful way.  He felt better yesterday, but not great.  I asked something of him that my ego wanted, just to feel like I mattered in a certain way.  I ended up in angry with him, because he doesn’t do on-demand things, ever, and I wanted, needed it.

Last night I had a dream, that I was at a table, maybe a luncheon, in a house where my sis lives in Florida.  And all these wonderful spiritual teachers were there.  We were talking and walking outside with each other, it was amazing.  Lots of crystal jewelry, I remember especially one woman’s beautiful fluorite broach.  Fluorite is one of the most healing of stones.  And someone came and gave me a card, and it was from S, and all I remember it saying was that he loved me, in his own handwriting.  Which he has never said to me, and which I suspect from time to time, but then he will say he doesn’t want to be in love.  And when he backs off I am sure he doesn’t love me, and when he pulls me back, I think he must or why would he do this?

This morning, I did my Byron Katie thing on my thought about him.

1. Do I know it’s true?  Yes.

2. Do I know absolutely that it’s true.  No.  I can never ever know for sure what goes on in his  head. (or anyone’s for that matter.)

3.  How do I feel when I think that thought?  Bereft, lonely, sad, unloved, uncared for, used, abused, broken hearted.

4.  And how would I feel without that thought?  Happy, content, most likely still crazy about him.

So, all that angst over something that may or may not be true.  I went to see my best friend’s daughter in West Side Story last night, S called me on the way there, and I was mean, I was still angry.  Yet when I got out of the play, there was a text asking me to call him when I got home.  So do I believe I don’t matter to him, when he is able to get through my angst and still want to talk to me?  It seems like I should let him speak for himself, and stop imposing my belief, which is not coming from my best self, on him.

As it was, when I called  him I woke him, and just told him to go back to sleep, we could talk today.  Because it was late, he’s been so sick, and I was tired.  It was nice to hear his voice.

I think that loving someone I see so sporadically is playing with me.  I need to either shit or get off the pot with this relationship.  Either we have one or not, I want to be done questioning where we stand with each other.  If I’m gonna miss him so much, either let me miss him and get over it and move on, or let the longing be fulfilled by seeing him on a regular basis.  For me there is no in between.

So, S, if you read this, I’m sorry for spiraling into the stratosphere yesterday.  There may have been underlying reasons that were valid, but I didn’t need to go where I went.

It’s going to be a perfect beach weekend.  I hope, maybe, dream, maybe that I’ll finally get to spend a perfect summer beach day with him at one of the beautiful places he took me in the winter.  I suppose it will depend on a lot of things.  In the end, my heart aches to be with him.

Now if I can just get through today at work, without a meltdown, I think I will be ok.  The picture is from one of the beautiful beaches we went to in the winter.  I will end with Ho’oponopono.

I’m sorry.

Please forgive me

Thank you.

I love you.

Friday Night

Posted on by learning to live like water

Its Friday night... Time to be a hero and rescue some wine trapped in a bottle. for @Alicia Straka: Alcohol Humor, Super Heros, Funny Friday, Alicia, My Life, Wine Traps, Anyday, Friday Nights, Amirite

Sitting on my deck, it’s 81°F at 7 pm, and the air is dry, finally….after wickedly high humidity and thunderstorms all week.  I am having crab rangoons with siracha sauce and a nice glass of cabernet, tho I’m sorry to say that I have now finished off the bottle, with this first glass.  Not to worry, there is Chardonnay in the fridge, lol.  I had a bag of potato chips, made locally, Rosemary and Olive oil.  I wasn’t sure I’d like them, but they are good!  Feeling strong tonight, centered, unafraid.  Gong baths are so good for me, lol.

I talked to S today, first time all week.  No, not talked.  Texted.  and emailed.  Started off as an email, but I unblocked him on my phone sensing no danger to my psyche.  I’m standing my ground, lol.  I really didn’t want it to end ugly.  We talked about our relationship….Ahhh it was all good.  To be open and fearless, lol.

I heard from A today as well, quite a bit.  He’s camping in the Cascades in Washington State….remote camping spot, in the woods, next to a river where he has what seems to be a private beach.  He sent me a “selfie” of his leg, lol.

I love Friday nights  No plans for tomorrow except to get my family room measured for a new carpet.  However, when I booked it I forgot there’s a parade in town from 11 to about 1.  They are to call me between 7 and 9 to set up the time.  If they can’t work around that I’ll reschedule for next weekend.  There are fireworks tomorrow I’d like to see, but no one to go with….

Sunday I have plans with a friend.  It’s going to be close to 90° all weekend, I love the heat.  My kind of summer weekend.  Except the air conditioning bills, lol.

Need to refill my wine glass.  Have a good weekend everyone.

The End of The Line

Posted on by learning to live like water

After I posted my last three blogs yesterday I heard from S via text.  His normal greeting, kind of joking, kidding, laden with sexual innuendo.  I am used to it, but I didn’t play along.  I was not unfriendly, I just don’t want to go there.  Then apparently he read all the blogs while we texted. Or, more correctly while we stopped texting.  When I heard from him again, he was upset over the blogs, tho would give me no specifics.

I told him I wished he would stop reading them.  That his reading them makes me feel like I need to censure what I say for his benefit.  But I don’t..I won’t.  I need to write what is on my mind without fear of repercussion, it is my way of working through things.  But him reading the blogs, and my feelings on our difficult relationship, has caused so many problems.

I got silence.  He did not respond to me.  I knew he was angry.  I re-read them quickly, but really didn’t think they were offensive.  Maybe the reblog of “Exhausted” could be perceived that way.  Had the tables been turned I would have asked questions, but that’s not his way.

He said, “I am gone.”  I said, “Ok, Love always.”

I was not upset.  He has been gone from this relationship in any real way for a long time, and I have accepted that, and given up any expectation that he would ever care for me in the way I did for him.  And I have also become clear in my own head that I don’t want any part of the push pull game that goes on endlessly between us.  Pulling me to him til he has me, then pushing me away til I am gone. Repeat and repeat ad infinitum.

I guess he made the same decision that I did, that this relationship doesn’t work.  But I don’t know, will never know his real reasons for saying he was gone.  I have been pretty gone since the 4 day silence a week ago. That was the ultimate push me phase, and it sent me far from him.  The conversation this weekend was the beginning of the pull me back to him phase, but it wasn’t happening for me.  I don’t know if he thought it was.

I know very little about his thoughts, he does not share them.  This blog is about my feelings, it is about what I see in our relationship.  It is, because it’s my blog, my viewpoint.  I know he sees things differently, but I don’t know much about his viewpoint.  It’s ok, it’s exhausting to have to wrap my head around him and try to make sense of what he wants when he keeps his silence and his emotional distance from me. I can’t do it any more, and apparently neither can he.

It’s all good.  I am fine.  I accepted the end when I was panic stricken over his health and realized he went to New Jersey and was actually refusing to ease my mind. If truth be told, I was at the end the week before, when I was trying to end it, because I was so unhappy, and the health issues came up, only telling me so I wouldn’t leave him.  It was manipulative to do that, it was cruel to leave me hanging.

I loved him well, I will always love him.  I just accept fully that we are not meant to be.  It was fun for awhile, but it’s not any more.  I needed the relationship to evolve.  It was de-volving in my view.  I think we are at the end here this time.

Getting Grounded in Reality

Posted on by learning to live like water

I finally talked to S.  Well, that’s stretching it. We texted.  And I think in the end, we came to an amicable understanding that we needed to stop seeing each other.  That’s how I hoped it would be.  I have no anger, I have no regrets.  I understand him, and I think that while he may not completely understand me, he at least respects my feelings now.  I didn’t want this to end in a blaze of anger and ego, and I think that’s what we managed to do.

Last night I had a strange dream.  I had been thinking how S was now free (he always was, but there will be nothing pulling him back now) to go discover who he is, on his own, discover his passions, decide how he wants to spend his retirement.  That thought converted to a dream as I fell asleep, I guess.  I dreamed he came to just “check in”, just visit.  I was sitting outside, on the side of a hill, next to a border garden, backed up by a fence..  There was another man sitting with me, who I didn’t recognize. I never saw S in this dream but I know he was sitting with us.  I said to him something about my sister…and then “my sister knows everything.”  (LOL, I know I was talking about my older sis, even though I have a younger as well.) When I said it, suddenly a human form began to break out of the garden, sitting up, forming before my eyes from the dirt and grass and flowers in the garden.

I guess that kind of freaked me out, I wasn’t scared,  but it was just weird….and it woke me up.  I don’t know  what it had to do with S, or me.  I don’t think I can look up “human form created from garden” on dreammoods.com, lol.  I would guess it had something to do with being grounded, a spirit, connection to the earth.  As for how my sister ties into it, I really don’t know.  She went through such a hard time this winter, trying to care for my mother after her stroke, and has spent the couple of months regrounding herself, in much the same way I do when I get lost.

That’s two strange dreams I’ve had in a couple of days.  The other one upset me, this one didn’t, but I thought about it a lot, had a hard time getting back to sleep, and ended up texting S, further explaining to him that I still can see him, I still know there is something in his soul worth loving, and that someday I hope he is able to believe it and open it up to someone.  And I felt quite grounded, loving and detached when I said it.  So maybe that was the point of the dream, to help me to become grounded in the reality that it is over with S.

On to a new day, a new week.  I hope there are some new and exciting things coming my way.   And yours.

Love and light.